I have a strong willed, defiant child. This is a child who sets his face against us and has made up his mind that life will be his way or no way. He will stand and look you straight in the eye and say "I will not listen to you." "I will NOT do what you say, no matter what." I don't know how many of you have a ten year old child who says and does these things, but it takes all a parent has to keep from hauling off and (as my parents used to say)slap the taste out of his mouth. I would not slap my child across the face, but don't think I have not felt like it in moments like these.
I will confess that we used to spank him for defiance and rebellion. As a matter of fact, he has been grounded, had every privilege in the book revoked, been made to do extra chores, stand in the corner, write sentences, sit in time out, lectured to and given natural and logical consequences. Evidently, none of these things had much effect on him, because we have been consistent and he is still a very strong willed child who seems to behave fine until the inevitable moment when he does not get his own way about even the slightest issue. We finally agreed to stop spanking him for several reasons. (See my study on The Biblical Rod) One of the primary reasons is because what do you do when you have a child like this? Do you spank harder? Do you spank longer? Do you leave bruising and marks and risk arrest for breaking the law? Do you keep on even though it is obviously not working? And for those of you who are spankers: yes, we did it the right way. With all of the prayer, not in anger, in private, with affection afterwards, etc. (I have yet to figure out where all of that came from since God did not give detailed instructions for this so-called Biblical mandate.)
Moms usually read tons of books about child rearing. I have read just about all of them, personally. I have read books from every end of the parenting spectrum. I have read the ones who advocate harsh authoritarianism. I have pondered over the ones who believe we should just let our children do what they want, so we are "taking them seriously". And I have read all of the authors who advocate methods in between dictatorial and permissiveness.
Lately, I have cried out to God saying, "What are we doing wrong here?" "Show me the way." "Why won't this child listen?" "Help me God." I have begged God. I have pleaded with Him. I have poured my heart out over my concerns for this child's future. It seems God is speaking in His still small voice. I have had the flu this past week, thus I was forced into a time of rest. God uses these times to speak to us or maybe we are still enough to finally listen. I would like to share some things that God has been showing me.
When I said "God, nothing seems to work with this child, it is seemingly hopeless." Here is what He said: "Psalm 119:114 Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word." When I screamed in desperation: "Lead me to someone who can show me what will work with this child." He said: "Isaiah 55:11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it." "Where are we falling short in his training Lord?" He said: "Psalm 119:11 Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee."
"God, you mean there is only ONE answer? Can it really be this simple? Is your Word really that effective? Can I really trust in you? Do you mean it? Your Word will not return void and if hidden in the heart it will keep my child and I from sinning against you?"
We can seek counsel from mere man all we want, whether in the form of books or verbal consultation, but only this ONE thing is promised. We are only promised that if we train them up in the way they should go and in the nurture and admonition of God, that He will bless it! How do we do this? Look at His Word. He tells us in Deuteronomy 6: 4-9. 4 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD: 5 And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. 6 And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: 7 And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. 8 And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes. 9 And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates.
We accomplish this by spending our daily time with God and making sure we set the example of it in front of our children. We read the Bible in front of them. We pray in front of them. We go about every minute of every hour of every day in an attitude of prayer. We see Jesus in the everyday small things of our daily lives. We praise Him when we work, play and pray. We verbally encourage our children from the Word. We memorize it as a family. We hide HIS word in our hearts!
You say, "Oh that sounds so simple?" It should be simple, but we have complicated things. We are distracted by TV, computers, phones, sports, church programs, relationship problems, work, magazines, books, news, gadgets and the list goes on and on. We don't have time to put God first because we are too busy being carnal and putting all of these material things first. We go about our daily lives and think we are so spiritual because we sprinkle in a little spirituality from time to time, when in actuality, we should be spiritual in every area of our lives, maybe sprinkling in a little time of Godly humor or refreshment from time to time.
So, when we determine that our child is hopeless and "nothing" works, what we are really saying is that God must not be Truth. He must lie because He says His Word DOES work and we are saying it does not. So, next time we are tempted to throw in the towel on our seemingly incorrigible youngster, let us ask ourselves the following questions:
Does my child know God's Word is important to me?
Has my child seen me while I fall to my knees and seek God's wisdom and discernment for life?
Do I love God with all my heart, might and soul and can my child see this example in my life?
Do I use God's Word to teach daily lessons about life?
Do I see to it that our family is memorizing the Scriptures?
Do I pray without ceasing?
Am I known as a man/woman of prayer?
Is the Scripture displayed prominently about our home?
Do we teach them diligently?
Is my child subjected to ungodly influences?
These are questions I am asking myself and I am anxious to see what God will do when I can give an honest answer which will be pleasing to Him.
Sometimes it is good to set aside all of the advice from books and support groups. Just spend some time examining yourself and saying along with the Psalmist "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 139:23-24)We have to learn to "be still" and know that he is God. (Psalm 46:10) We have to plant ourselves by the rivers of water and meditate on his word day and night. (Psalm 1:2-3) We have to take our counsel from the right source (Psalm 1:1)
Strong willed children can be a blessing. They cause us to draw closer to God than we would have been otherwise. Some children are compliant and bend easily. We can give them a disappointed look or show sadness and right away, they want to do the right thing. But, self willed children don't care about these things. These are the children whose behavior causes us to turn to the only place we can turn. Only God can change our heart or their heart. He can stop wars. He can change the hearts of kings. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. He can give us the wisdom and understanding to raise warriors for His army as well! Are we going to do what it takes? Let us trust the Words of Jesus when he says in John 8:32 "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
Update: It has been over a year since I wrote this article. My 11 year old son has made drastic improvements since we stopped spanking him. He is obeying better, milder mannered, kinder, more reasonable and more fun to be around. He is also learning to play chess, which has boosted his confidence and made him feel really great! :c)