Quote from Ray Stedman in an article called "A Pastor's Authority" "This is the nature of all authority among Christians, even that of the Lord himself! He does not force our obedience, but obtains it by love, expressed either in circumstantial discipline or by awakening gratitude through the meeting of our desperate needs."
Although this particular quote came from an article on the pastor's authority, it can be applied to any situation of authority. This article will relate this quote to parenting.
This devotion will answer the following question: What is true obedience? If you have to force obedience, is it TRUE obedience?
Let us look at some examples:
If a child is being selfish and you punish him for his selfishness, does he become any less selfish? The answer would be no. Why? Because then he is simply pretending to be unselfish to avoid punishment which is also a selfish motive for being unselfish. If selfishness is in his heart, no amount of forced outward compliance will make the child unselfish. Only God can change the heart. So, what about other problems like lying, disrespect, stealing, etc? If a child has a propensity toward lying, will a spanking beat the lies out? No! He will still desire to lie, he will just learn to get better at it or he will stop doing it in order to avoid punishment. He could learn this lesson just as well through proper modeling and practice at truth telling. He can also learn this lesson by parents who do not try to trap him into lying. God is also capable of teaching these lessons to our children in His own way. He is sovereign over their lives, just as He is over ours.
The Greek definition for obedience from Strong's Lexicon: 1. to listen, to harken (a.) of one who on the knock at the door comes to listen who it is, (the duty of a porter) 2. to harken to a command 3. obey, be obedient to, submit to
From The New International Webster's Family Dictionary of the English Language: To do the bidding of; be obedient to. 2. To carry into effect; execute as a command. 3. To act in accordance with; be guided by; to obey the law.
Anyone can outwardly submit while being inwardly non compliant or disobedient. So, how do we guide our children into true obedience? When our children disobey, we continuously point them back to the cross, we remind them that they are special to the Lord because he died for the very sin they are committing. We should use natural consequences and model obedience ourselves. Mother models obedience by providing her household with all the things necessary to keep it running smoothly. She keeps the laundry done, dishes done and meals on the table. She teaches and trains her children to help in these duties. Her children appreciate her for what she does because she does it with an unselfish attitude and a servant's heart. She shows respect to her husband by having dinner on the table and the home peaceful when he arrives home tired and hungry. He models obedience and respect by showing the children that he is thankful for her efforts and by being considerate of their physical, spiritual and emotional needs. The parents model obedience to the Lord by having a consistent time of fellowship with God through daily Bible reading and prayer. We must never provoke them to anger as this is the number one reason for rebellion. Please see Why Do Children Misbehave? for more on preventing anger and discouragement.
The members of the family work together as a team. Each one realizing that his place and duty in the family is as important as anyone else's. Every one is not out for their own selfish ambitions and motives, but each one is preferring the other above himself. This starts with the parents and lessons are actually caught as much as they are taught.
Jesus taught his disciples by example and through the use of verbal language as well. He did not FORCE their compliance. He did not try to break their will. He simply molded their will to His by walking what he talked. We are to follow His example.
Forced obedience is not true obedience. True obedience come from the deep recesses of the heart. True obedience comes from a desire to please those who treat us right and those who make us feel like a special part of their lives. If you want true obedience from your child, treat them with dignity and respect. Do not do for them what they can do for themselves. Teach them to do it for the Lord because of all He is and who He is. Fulfill your own responsibilities as unto the Lord, singing and making melody in your heart as you go. This will give your child a thirst for righteousness and a desire to do what is well pleasing to Him for the right reason and with a pure heart.
Lastly, keep in mind that this verse in Ephesians 6:1 does NOT say Parents MAKE your children obey. It DOES say: CHILDREN obey your parents. It is to the CHILDREN!