Stuart Kaplowitz -- Child & Family Therapy

Parents:

          In the last newsletter, we explored homework time and how you can enhance this process together.  Following up on this important issue, I would like to further address the thought of working as a team by having family meetings.   I will start by touching on the art of encouragement.   Communication is the key to both.  In my work with children and their families, I note sometimes how we say something is more important than what we actually say.  Along these lines, recent studies have shown that children need to hear at least 5-10 positives about themselves to counteract even 1 “negative.”  Can you imagine this?

When I meet with children, I always want to start learning about their strengths.  Strengths are like tools that I can then help children use to address the issues they may face. Too often though, kids (and adults) have a difficult time verbalizing the good things about themselves.  If you asked your child what are the good things about them, what would they say?  Think about it and then ask them.  Don’t be surprised if you don’t exactly match. 

Children are like seedlings – they grow best when they are in a nurturing environment.  No one has enough armor to withstand a constant barrage of “no” and “don’t.”  So how do we encourage our children?  One of the most important ways we do this is by being there for them.  By asking how their day was, you show you are interested.  By helping them with homework or talking to them about an issue they are struggling with, you show them that together as a team, they can be a part of the solution.  By tossing the ball around, playing a board game, reading a book together, etc., you show them just how invested you are in them.  Please do not discount even 5 minutes a day that you can involve yourself in their lives, as this valuable time builds their emotional well-being and personal strengths.

Family meetings are a great way to encourage family cooperation as well as open up communication in the home.  Also, a long-term benefit is that kids get to practice skills such as listening, expressing views, setting goals and problem-solving.  Imagine what amazing possibilities could be accomplished in just a 1 hour sitting a week. 

Pick a day or evening that could be consistent each week and please do not skip when there is not a pre-meet agenda.  If you meet only when a problem arises, the kids will associate meetings with something negative.  Regular meetings also create cooling-off periods.  For example, instead of having to immediately address every little thing (sibling getting into other’s stuff, kids wanting more television time later bedtimes, etc.) that your child may bring up each day, have them bring it up at that week’s meeting.  Of course, this can work the same way for you.  If there are a number of problems you find yourself dealing with on a daily basis (kids not doing their chores regularly, not completing all their work during homework / reading time, etc.) you can bring one or two of what you see as the bigger issues to the next meeting and ask for a family solution.

The goal would not be to bring up every single thing each member can think of, but rather target something that each family member is concerned about.  Again, this is where the importance of consistency of regular meetings comes in, so everyone knows they have a regular forum to be heard.  Make it clear that this activity is important and try to eliminate potential distractions.  For instance, don’t answer the phone and you may not want to delay dinner if this means that everyone will be hungry and irritable.  Choose a time that works for your family.  If one night is the “slow” night in your home, with no practice or other outside activities, that may work best.

Start meetings by going over an agenda that each family member can add to during the week, which maybe you can keep on the refrigerator or somewhere else that is visible.  This gets everyone involved, prepared for what will be addressed, and allow you to help prioritize and keep everyone on task.  If you like, families can rotate who helps facilitate the meetings and be able to summarize and write down the outcome for all to see and remember.

Basic ground rules like letting everyone speak w/out being interrupted and not criticizing someone else’s input can be reiterated at the start of each meeting.  Work towards consensus but it needs to be clear to the kids that sometimes parents must have the final word.  Keep in mind that family meetings can be fun as well.  You may want to talk about upcoming family days, whether it is a vacation or even an afternoon activity, again getting kids involved in the discussion.  Finally, it is a good idea to review progress from previous meetings, highlight the successes family members have made as well as reexamine past items that may not have gone as hoped.  This is yet another neat thing about meeting regularly; sometimes we need to tinker with initial thoughts and plans to make them work even better.  Things rarely go exactly as we expect and this can be ok as well.