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       (c)2006 Steven Margach

WELCOME TO THE JOKES SECTION
 

This is just a selection of jokes that i've found on the net

       

Actual call centre conversations

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

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RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"

Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):

"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

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Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too F£$king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

 

 

"The Man Who Loved Beans"

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin.. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!



Island Of Cannibals

ISLAND OF CANNIBALS

Three guys were out on their boat and got ship wrecked. They ended up on an island populated by cannibals. The head of the cannibals said that if they done a task they would not be eaten. The head of the cannibals told the three men to go and find a different type of fruit each, and bring ten of the same fruit back. So all three men went for the fruit, the first guy came back with ten apples. The head of the cannibals said "take each apple and put them up your ass one at a time, without making an expression on your face or laughing". The first guy started putting the apples up his ass, after the second apple he yelled out in pain and was eaten. The second guy came back with a bunch of berries, the same rules were explained to him, he started putting the berries up his ass and was just putting the last berry up his ass when he burst out laughing and was eaten. The first guy and the second guy met each other in heaven and the first guy said "why did you start laughing? You almost got away with it" the second guy replied "I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples".

LIFE EXPLAINED

HOW TO MAKE A MODEL PLANE

 

STUPID WARNING LABELS

I really dont think that people are so stupid that they need these warning labels.  Have a look for yourself, these used to be actual warning and instruction labels.

Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
Sign at Railroad Station

Cannot be made non-poisonous.
Windshield Wash Fluid

Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.
Hammer

Caution: Hot beverages are hot!
Coffee Cup

Caution: Never drive with the cover on your windshield
Automobile Windshield cover:

Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish
Dog Shampoo

Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball.
Rubber Ball

Directions: Use like regular soap
Dial soap

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
Swedish chain saw

Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.
SGI computer

Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Children's cough medicine

Do not eat toner.
Laser Printer Cartridge

Do not eat urinal cakes.
Rest Stop in Wisconsin

Do not light the flame near the face.
Cigarette Lighter

Do not look into laser with remaining eye.
Laser Pointer

Do not pour liquids into your television set.
Television Owner’s Manual

Do not put lit candles on phone.
Cordless Phone

Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.
Battery

Do not turn upside down. (printed on bottom of the box)
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert

Do not use for drying pets.
Microwave Oven

Do not use intimately.
Deodorant

Do not use orally after using rectally.
Electronic Thermometer

Do not use orally.
Toilet Bowl Cleaning Brush

Fits one head.
Hotel Shower Cap

For external use only!
Curling Iron

For indoor or outdoor use only.
Christmas lights

For lifting purposes only
Car Jack

If swallowed or lodged in ear or nose see doctor.
Ray-O-Vac Renewal AA Batteries

If you are seated in an exit aisle and are unable to read this, please ask a stewardess to reseat you.
Cayman Airlines safety booklet

Instructional video on hooking up your VCR included.
VCR

Keep out of children.
Korean Kitchen Knives

Not dishwasher safe.
TV Remote Control

Not for human consumption.
Package of Dice

Not for weight control.
Breath Savers

Not to be used as a personal flotation device.
6x10 inch inflatable picture frame

Not to be used as protection from a tornado.
blanket from Taiwan

Not to be used for the other use.
Japanese food processor

Open packet and eat contents.
Pack of Peanuts

PARENT: Please exercise caution—mask and chest plate are not protective; cape does not enable wearer to fly.
Bat Man The Animated Series Armor Set

Peel fruit from cellophane before eating.
Fruit Roll-ups

Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator.
Grapes

Product will be hot after heating.
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding

Remember: Objects in mirror are actually behind you.
Bike Helmet Mirror

Remove used tampon before inserting a new one.
Tampax Tampons

Serving suggestion: Defrost.
Swann frozen dinners

Theft of this container is a crime.
Milk Crate

There shall be three (3) access levels with level 4 being the highest level.
Fire Alarm System

This camera only works when there is film inside.
Camera

This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly.
Halloween Superman Costume

THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
Insect Spray from New Zealand

Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.
Soft Drink

Use caution when using near fire, flame, or sparks.
Fireplace Lighter

USE EXTREME CAUTION when stretching cord over load. Keep face and other vulnerable body parts away from potential cord rebound path.
Bungee cord

USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
Taiwanese shampoo

Warning - this spray is harmful to bees
Insect Spray

Warning! Never iron clothes on the body.
Rowenta Iron

Warning: contains nuts
Sainsbury's Peanuts

Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems.
Midol PMS

WARNING: Do not use in shower. Never use while sleeping.
Conair Pro Style 1600 hair dryer

Warning: Do not use on eyes.
Heated Seat Cushion

Warning: drug may cause sleepiness.
Sleeping Pill Prescription

Warning: Flame may cause fire.
Butane Lighter

Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.
Rat Poison

Warning: knives are sharp!
Sharpening Stone

Warning: may cause drowsiness.
Nytol

Warning: May contain small parts.
Frisbee

WARNING: Not for use as earplugs.
Silly Putty

Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated.
Pop-Tarts

Warning: Remove child before folding baby stroller.
Baby Stroller

Warning: This product can burn eyes
Curling Iron

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Fritos

 

 Little girls fire truck:

A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has
the wagon
tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a
closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied one
wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to
tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster." 
The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at
the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes
and says......
"You're probably right............. but then I wouldn't have
a f*cking siren, would I ?????!"

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner/significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms &randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,' and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' !

 

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again'.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly 'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!'

 

   

7 reasons not to mess with a child:

(#1)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a person because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The
little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a person; it was
physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will
ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little
girl replied, "Then you ask him".

(#2)

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The
teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without
missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They
will in a minute."

(#3)

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us
how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little
boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

(#4)

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette
head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do
something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

(#5)

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how
nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small
voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's
dead."

(#6)

A teacher was giving a lesson on the > circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in
the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing
upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A
little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

(#7)

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE.
God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of
the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.



 
WELCOME TO THE EXTRA'S SECTION

In this section you can see some extra things i've added for download, such as wallpapers. Have a look and see if you want to download anything. If you are wanting to use the wallpapers as wallpapers you have to right click on the picture once it is loaded and go to save as. Choose to save the picture as a BMP (Bit Map) then you can use it as a wallpaper.

Stick Destruction Studios Wallpaper

1024X768

This is the Stick Destruction Studios Wallpaper designed by me.

Command & Conquer Stick Alert Wallpaper

800X600

1024X768

This is a wallpaper for a flash game that i am making because i am a big Command & Conquer fan. The wallpaper was designed by me. A big thank you goes to Dave ( creator of Hostage Situation and Hostage Situation 2 ) for providing the first person view of the M16. And to Westwood Studios (http://www.westwood.ea.com) for making the Command & Conquer series which we all love.

James Bond - Green Organisation Wallpaper

800X600

1024X768

This is the wallpaper for a flash game im going to be making in the future. The demo is already on my site in the flash section. The wallpaper was designed by me.

Car Trouble Wallpaper

800X600

1024X768

This is a new wallpaper. Its the wallpaper for my newest flash movie - Car Trouble which is now in the flash section. The wallpaper was designed by me.

Green Destruction Camp 2 Wallpaper

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This is my newest wallpaper designed by me for my newest movie - Green Destruction Camp 2. Just one of a few shorts im going to be making. You can view it in the homepage since im making shorts for my homepage, after they have been in the homepagefor a while i will change it then you can view them in the flash section. The guns in the wallpaper are by James M.


Stick Destruction Studios ©


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