By Steve Bequette
One day after a fun night out, I happened to wake up in the morning (OK, it was around 3:00pm) and decided to go downstairs and fix some pasta. I was standing by my counter and heard something off to the right of me. It was the pitter patter of some kind of animal. I saw something BIG and black scurry across my floor. Now I don’t want to over state it. It wasn’t the size of a Doberman or anything, but it sure as hell was bigger than a cockroach. It was at least big enough that I heard it running across the floor. All I saw was a streak of black run from my refrigerator to my stove. I immediately went over to investigate. What ever it was, it was gone by the time I got over there. Seth was downstairs sleeping, so I yelled down to him to see if he wanted to help me find this thing. Bear in mind, I had no idea what I was up against, a mouse, a rat, a black squirell, a snake, maybe even a miniature panther. Seth came up and we started with a search for some sort of rodent, and then moved on the obligatory poop search. We did find a suspect pellet behind the fridge, but later investigation and chemical dna tests revealed that it was nothing more than a piece of discarded human dermal matter, or commonly know as house dust.
Chapter 2 The Suspicion
As you might have guessed, I was starting to wonder if maybe my eyes and ears were just playing tricks on me. About an hour after the sighting, I was standing in the kitchen again, sort of waiting to pounce like and angry feline, and I heard some sort of rustling in my cabinets. I listened closer, to try to identify which cabinet the offending sound was perpetrating from. I called Seth back up to listen too, mainly to convince him that what I thought I saw was real, and partially because I had seen that movie “mamba” about a black mamba that invades a house and kills a guy after he opens the cabinet. As I said before, I still wasn’t sure what I was up against at this point, so better to let Seth get bit than myself. As he came up and I called him in, the sound stopped, therefore destroying my credibility even further. I may have a little history of psychosis, but most of it has been induced from true warranted paranoia. Needless to say the offending animal stopped making noise, so Seth decided with my influence to check the cabinets. Nothing was found except some spaghetti, chutney (Don’t Ask), and some Enfamil that was left there from the dark ages when my Brother and EX-sister in law lived with me.
Chapter 3 The Plan of Attack
I decided to take a trip to Wal-Mart to purchase a solution to my problem. I went on the assumption that the animal I almost saw and definitely heard was some sort of common rodent. After deduction that although my house may be dirty, it hasn’t accumulated enough to support burrowing animals such as moles, groundhogs, and weasels, I decided that I was probably dealing with a member of the mouse-rat family. So, with me being a creature of overkill, I purchased 8 sticky pads and one mouse bait hotel. I figured I would start with just 4 sticky pads on the floor with one next to the fridge where I saw the creature, one next to the stove where I think it went under, one on the other side of the stove incase that was it’s escape route, and one behind the trash can, just in case it decides it wants a taste of the crumbs left over from my pop-tarts.
Chapter 4 The Wait
Being of an engineering type mind, I calculated that most likely the next morning I would wake up and find a little fuzzy mouse attached to a sticky pad, that I could simply take out to the edge of my yard and humanely deposit in the woods. (Where it would probably inhumanely freeze to death in a matter of minutes in the snow, but hey at least I was giving it a chance) The next morning I woke up and ready to do my animal relocation plan, but got downstairs and found all of the sticky pads empty, and no mouse. A typical engineering project takes longer to develop so I figured I would give it another day before I tried to take more drastic measures like turning my heat off for a week. The next day I awoke to the same scene. But I knew he was still in there somewhere lurking in the dark laughing at me.
Chapter 5 The First Hit
Having no experience dealing with said rodents before, I decided I should take the approach of identifying with the enemy. I thought if I was a mouse, what kind of food would I like to eat that would draw me on to a sticky pad that probably meant certain death. I happened to order a pizza that night, and man was it a good pizza. I figured I would probably entertain a life and death situation for a beer, and actually have entertained a life and death situation for a beer when I was in Saudi Arabia, but I’m not going to waste my beer on a non paying guest in my house. Hey, when the rodent starts paying rent, and cleaning my bathrooms, I will be glad to share my beer, but that wasn’t the case at the time. I decided that the closest thing that I was willing to share was my pizza so I deposited one of the pieces of pizza crust on one of the sticky pads. I slept that night and woke up to nothing but four sticky pads, one with an untouched piece of pizza crust. Assuming that the problem was not that the monster did not have an appetite for pepperoni, with pineapple, and jalapeno, I decided to leave all as it was. I went to work and came home to search the internet for information about my upcoming vacation to Aruba (Where hopefully they are not invaded by trespassing rodents. After I got off the computer, I started heading downstairs and I heard a ruckus, or at least as much of a ruckus as one might expect when a scurrying animal gets caught on a sticky pad. Thinking finally I got the little bastard, I came down to find 4 empty sticky pads, one in which still had a piece of pizza crust on it. BUT…..Eureka! One of the pads next to the stove had moved an inch. I got a hit, but for some reason the abominable monster did not stick to the pad. He may have gotten away this time, but victory will be mine said the Klondike Katt. “I’ll make mince meat outta dat mouse!”
Chapter 6 The Lull
I decided that my pizza would be too appetizing to resist, to a furry rodent, so I decided to give it another day. At this point I was contemplating covering my floor with yellow post-it notes. They may not stop the enemy, but with a bunch of yellow attached to it, I may be able to track it better when it is out in the open. I decided to wait another night, and really didn’t want to entertain the idea of turning off my heat yet, as with frozen pipes, and a mild case of pneumonia, I figured I would be a little more uncomfortable than I was dorming with a thieving rodent. That night I had darts, after which I came home and found no change. I made a mental note to put in an order at work the next day to get a box of 600 post-it notes. My sister (Not the EX) in law offered her cat’s assistance, but baring the ability to shave the cat, I could deal with living with a mouse, but with a cat in my house I wouldn’t be able to enter it for months unless the house is steam cleaned, evacuated of all air, and refilled through a super air cleaner.
Chapter 7 Mighty Mouse
Unfortunately, I now play two nights a week on a dart league, so Wednesday night I had to shoot darts again. After darts I came home to grizzly sight! I half expected to find an angry teeth barring mouse, stuck to a pad, but steadfastly guarding it’s pizza. Instead I saw three sticky pads. Now bear in mind, I didn’t buy the simple paper glue strips. I bought the ultra strength plastic based TOM-CAT mouse adhesives. These things are heavy, at least for a mouse. Well, when I got home, there were only 3 sticky pads, and I know I put down four. My first thought was, I got him, but then I thought, I got him, but where? I got out the flashlight, and a pan (lets not forget that movie mamba!) and decided to go on a mouse hunt. I found the missing sticky pad underneath the stove, with the pizza crust still attached, but no mouse attached. This monster has drug the sticky pad at least 4-5 feet, and then still managed to escape from it! OK, now I decided I have to once again re-evaluate what I’m dealing with. At this point I think it might just be a rat. We’re not talking sweet fuzzy furry fun anymore. We’re talking a plague carrying, Hanta virus infected, macaroni eating, teeth barring predator! Now, I’m pissed, and pulling out all of the stops. Mouse hotel is now in place, and the other USELESS sticky pads are down. When I got to work today, I borrowed 3 of their glue tapes as well. I will prevail in this issue, we are talking about MY pasta! I have a feeling tonight will be the night for the final battle, I’ll keep the site updated as the nightmare unfolds!
Chapter 8 Calm Before the Storm
After 6 days, no hits! What does this mean? I put some cheese-its down, some real cheese, and some peanut butter. The sticky traps have not been touched! I started wondering if maybe the rat has died, as it has ample access to food but not good access to water. I think the only water it could get is out of my toilets. Although that alone should kill most living things, it has the added bonus of true blue water sanitizer in it. You know the little hockey pucks you put in the back of the toilet to make the water blue so you can’t see the stains so well? They basically just leave blue stains when the toilet hasn’t been flushed in a while. So, I probably have some dead rat with a blue mouth, foul smell, and watering eyes somewhere in the back of my pantry. The other scenario is that it is still alive but has wised up to my sticky trap technique. I doubt that it would simply vacate my house on it’s own, remembering 3 particular issues with humans; My brother living there, my roommate living there, and girl that I left there one day which meant I had to go away and wait a day figuring she would either starve to death or leave to buy food. (Yeah, I’m sure Lori and Nelson remembers that day!). It is time for a new Rat catching technique. I will either now move to less humane methods such as a Rat trap, or simply place a little bit of my Thermonuclear nacho dip on the counter in a bowl. Barring on the assumption that the rat is still alive as I have not given it permission to die in my house, I need more options. One word of caution to all: Don’t accidentally step on a glue trap with your bare feet in the dark. Skin comes off with the trap! I’m starting to have nightmares about this issue. I hear little noises in the night that sound like something moving through the walls. And remembering the mamba movie I’ve resorted to only eating out and not cooking as I’m afraid to open my cabinet doors. You never know, and if this animal could move a trap 5 ft. and still get off it, I really don’t want it jumping in my face. I need to get this issue resolved before I go to Sweden on Monday, or the thing could be the size of a small Doberman if allowed to eat unchecked!
Chapter 9 After Sweden
I came back after 10 days and Sweden with no signs of Mighty Mouse. I am now back to the assumption that it is a mouse. I decided to do a little research on droppings, and how to identify which comes from a mouse or a rat. I have found some droppings, and I put them to the test. Basing the assumption that we are dealing with either a mouse or a rat and not a hedgehog or mole, the droppings appear to be more the size of a mouse. Now for the kicker, in my analytical mind I have determined that some of the droppings are old and some are at least newer. I will not go into the details of this, but rest assured I used complex scientific methods to determine this, such as finding out which ones were harder. I’ve seen people use the same sort of methods when dealing with dog and cattle droppings, so I believe that the principles probably also apply to common house rodent as well. So, finally I have a breakthrough in the case. The older droppings are a darker sort of black, but the new ones are a bright green, almost neon green. This tells me that my Thermo-Nuclear Nacho dip has partially or completely done the job. I either have a dead mouse somewhere in the cabinets, or I have at least succeeded in giving it a very severe case of dysentery! I’m still extremely suspicious of my dwindling food supply so I have increased the profitability of establishments such as Daniel’s BBQ, McDonalds, Sonic, and Pizza Hut. My next plan is to hire some experts (that are extremely expensive) to come take all of the food out of my cabinets, and clean up the mouse droppings, and hopefully in the process find the corpse of the offending vermin. These experts are well trained I hope in such jobs. Actually they are my three nieces that live at my parents’ house, but hey, I’m cheap, nor would I want a complete stranger finding a mouse carcass in my house. I’m actually running out of options as the temperature outside is no longer low enough to take the plan of turning off the heat. I also found out from my extensive 5 minute Internet research that mice and rats get all of the water they need from the food they eat, so cutting off that supply will be useless. I’ll keep you updated.