Starskys Lady

Why should I get up? Another day to get through, and for what? Too much shit is happening and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. What’s the time? Oh hell, who cares? I’m not gonna get up today; no matter who tells me to. No, not today and not tomorrow either. Damn sun is shining. I wonder why. “Why are you shining, stupid sun? Can’t you see I don’t need you now?”

I’m getting crazy, shouting at the sun. Yes Kenny, finally you’re going crazy. You did it boy, you really did it. It took a few months but now you finally snapped. Cabrillo for you then, huh? Sounds good to me, nothing to think about, to worry about, to feel shit about. Just me and nothing else. They’ll feed me, so no need to think about that too. God, I’m so tired, so very, very tired. I wonder why I’m so tired. Had a few days off and did nothing; didn’t even play my guitar. Don’t want to hear music anymore. Just silence, deadly silence. I wish I were dead. Did I just think that? Dead? No, not dead, not dead. But why not?  Who’d care? Who’d miss me? I’m a real pain in the ass lately, so everybody will be relieved when I’m gone. Pain in the ass? That’s not true. I’ve become a monster, something inhuman. Something that likes hurting people and pushing them away. Not human, no I’m not human anymore. Goddamn birds singing like everything is normal. Don’t they know it’s not appreciated? Where’s my gun? I gotta shoot them or they’ll never shut up. Shit, too tired to get up. That’s funny, I’m too tired to get my gun and shoot myself. My father was right; I’m no good, I’m evil, I don’t deserve to live. But how am I gonna end up dead when I’m even too tired to get my gun? Maybe just lying here will finally do the trick. Yes, that’s what I’m gonna do, lie here until I die. How long would that take? A week? That’s too long, must find a quicker way without getting out of bed. Maybe I can suffocate myself with a pillow. You’re really losing it, don’t you Kenny? You can’t suffocate yourself like that. You should know, you’re a cop. And what a lousy cop I am. Should never have become a cop. Should have listened to my father, the bastard. Yeah, like being a minister would change the world. Was I ever that young and full of ideals? Must have been, I defied my father didn’t I? I believed I could change things. What a fool I was. And still am. Nothing can change things, everything is fixed and you can’t change it. Hey, that sounds familiar. Where did I hear that before? Some musical I guess. Wait, I remember. It was Jesus Christ Superstar! Phew, glad I remembered that in time. Wouldn’t want to die without knowing where that came from.

Damn, someone is coming; I can hear the door opening.

“Hutch, you awake?”

Damn, it’s Starsky.

“Are you all right? Hutch?”

Well Kenny, there is your reason for getting up. “I’m coming Starsk!”