Joke One
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.

Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! "

A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"

The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

Joke Two
A True Senior Moment

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes," the man said and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Joke Three
Things a Mother would never say.

1.How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back? 2.Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too. 3.Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week. 4.Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day. 5.That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse. 6.Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper. 7.The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here. 8.Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad. 9.Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs? 10.Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

Joke Four
A big, fat lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The bartender says," Hey, where'd you get the pig." She says, "It's not a pig it's a duck." He says, "I was talking to the duck."

Joke Five
He is not stupid! Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand. Little Jimmy stood up, alone. Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?" "No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."

Joke Six
Confused Child
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse",she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra", which he does. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties". Johnny finishes removing these too. His mother then says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!

Joke Seven
The seal
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing," his mother asked? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

Joke Seven
The nice guy
A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!" The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down. As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?" The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me." The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."

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Short Jokes

Girl: Will you love me after marriage too?
Boy: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When I must give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.

Que: Why do we drink water...??
Ans: I am too shocked... you don't know? Because we cannot eat it.

God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU. :-D

What are the fastest ways of communication?
Three fastest means of communication in the world:
(1)Tele-phone
(2)Tele-vision
(3)Tell-a-woman
You still want faster?
Tell her not to tell anyone :-)

A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad why do you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?"
Dad answer, "So when I'm dead no one will dare to touch your mom!"

One early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
Mom: "Wake up son. It's time to go to school."
Son: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
Mom: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
Son: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
Mom: "Oh! That's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
Son: "Give me two reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
Mom: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun make a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a plie of chocolate chip cookies.
A child written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."