Mr. Calamis was a man of science. He spent every single day of his life questioning his existence and all of his surroundings. He was pretty much fine with his life except for the fact that he never had a girlfriend (or any friend, for that matter). That was most likely due to the fact that Mr. Calamis was a tall, skinny, isolated, glasses-bearing nerd who did nothing but study bubbling test tubes and sliced open carcasses of fetal pigs. Mr. Calamis loved doing these sorts of things, but, like any normal human, he wanted more. He wanted to be able to share his slightly pathetic life (though he would beg to differ with that statement) with someone else. But chicks just did not dig nerdy, bony scientists.

As strange as he was, Mr. Calamis was down to earth about one thing: he didn’t believe the lies that girls like guys who are intelligent and all that other crap. He knew all that they cared about were muscles and looking like you could beat the shit out of just about any other puny human on earth. So, being the man of science that he was, Mr. Calamis decided that he would invent a serum that could give him superhuman size and strength.

After nearly a year of nonstop studying and experimenting, Mr. Calamis finally came up with the serum. Little did he know that while he was busy recording the formula for the serum in his notepad, a cockroach found it’s way into the test tube that contained the unique serum. The ugly little insect found its way into Mr. Calamis’ lab, assisted by the odor of a few remnants of artificial powdered cheese that had fallen off of Mr. Calamis’ Nacho Cheesier Doritos (a mainstay in every geeky scientists’ diet). After finishing his writings, Mr. Calamis immediately poured the thick blue liquid down his pharynx, cockroach and all, and he immediately felt changes occur.

As he was finishing drinking the serum, he felt a lump in his throat. This was no figure of speech either. It was obviously the roach. And, Mr. Calamis, being the scientist he was, could tell just by the texture of the little insect in his throat that it was a cockroach. Except Mr. Calamis didn’t call it simply a “cockroach”. To him it was known as a Gromphadorhina, but that’s beside the point. The point was that Mr. Calamis had just swallowed and was in the process of digesting a super-strength serum with a small side of one cockroach.

His flesh began ripping like latex in a George Romero zombie film. He attempted to release all of his anger, fear, uncertainty, and pain out in one ear-piercing, tonsil-destroying scream. The only feeling that perished after his scream was uncertainty. He knew what was coming next, and it wasn’t good at all. If only that cockroach would have stayed out of the serum, everything would be fine. But, as depressing as it seems, life is not fair, and it was only after these side effects occurred that Mr. Calamis began realizing this.

Poking through the holes in Mr. Calamis’ flesh were giant, hairy-yet-slimy, blood-soaked insect legs. His face wasn’t looking any prettier. Two giant unknown pointed objects began poking through each of his cheeks. As his cheeks burst open, the unknown objects transformed into two giant antennae. As he spit up some blood, he weakly cried out in despair. He was pretty much praying for death. The bad part was that he wouldn’t find death for a long while—instead, he’d find endless torture. I mean, at what point in time would giant cockroach body parts protruding through your flesh ever feel good?

Mr. Calamis (well, I don’t know if he’d be called a “Mr.” considering the state he was in) ran blindly across the lab, sending many test tubes and unnamable animal parts crashing to the floor, in either an explosion of glass or a puddle of blood, depending on what was hitting the floor first. He used his newfound insect legs to break a hole into the wall of his lab, where he ran outside and out to the “unaware-that-a-rampaging-beast-is-upon-us” citizens of the city. He ran past the Toys R Us, and the ABC liquor store, and the Adult Supercenter, leaving a trail of blood behind him. People everywhere were staring at the cockroach/man, wondering where the hell he came from. Some reached for their cell phones to dial 911. Eventually the cops arrived, and set out to catch up with the roach man.

One cop car ran directly into the roach man. It didn’t affect the roach man at all, but the car was totaled. The two cops who were inside the now upside-down car, laid there, bloody and bruised, near death, struggling to escape and at the same time calling in for a SWAT team.

After about 15 minutes a SWAT team arrived. Their only task was to destroy the horrible roach man. Their only obstacle was the fact that they had no idea where he was now. The SWAT team split up and searched the city. Most people ran inside the stores that they were nearest too, fearing that they might just encounter the wretched creature.

Some of the SWAT members heard a scream come from the Toys R’ Us, so they immediately made their way into the store. Sure enough, the roach man was inside, tearing apart an innocent employee. The SWAT team fired their guns rapidly. The roach man, infested with bullets like a three-year old corpse is infested with maggots, fell to the floor with one last blood-soaked whimper. The SWAT team stood by the corpse of the creature, staring at it in disbelief. A couple of the SWAT members predicted that the creature would rise again and kill off more humans, and they might have been correct had the creature not lost as much blood as it had. It was definitely dead. But what were they to do with the body? Unfortunately they did not realize that the serum-infected blood of the creature was contagious.