Published by Poetry Now in the anthology 'Spell Casting' September 2001.
Just a bit of nonsense!
The princess was flicking impatiently through The Guardian Angel Herald, when a headline caught her attention – ‘Jack in genetic modification scandal’. She tutted to herself. What had he been thinking? He should have known it would attract attention, right outside his bedroom window for all to see! It had grown so fast, too!
She turned the page, and gasped. Centre page was an enlarged photograph of two beaming newly-weds. The caption read: “Mr & Mrs Thumb, who were married Saturday last at, 11.30 am, at All Sprites Church. Reception was held at the Bluebell Inn.” The princess giggled in amazement. Thumbelina Thumb! Imagine!
Still giggling, she continued to cast a brief eye over the rest of the paper. Goldilocks, smilingly advertising ‘Lorlikehell hair colour – Are you worth it? and ‘Sleeping Beauty in Numbutotal drugs question!’ Now the princess was shocked – Beauty had always seemed so innocent! ‘Wolfe cleared of Pigism and swine-ist remarks.’ She shook her head and “Dear dear-ed” at the state of affairs in Fairyland.
When at last she found the property section, there was only one agent listed;
‘M. Bellish & D. Seeve, Estate Agents, are pleased to offer a desirable woodland residence. Off beaten track, rustic atmosphere, quaint furnishing. Private access to well and woodshed. Ideal for first time buyers, hermits and/or socially unacceptable. Outside w/c, no chain. Viewing by appointment only.’
'Not for me,' she thought, 'perhaps I should just take that pea from under my mattress?'
Published by Anchor Books in the anthology; 'A Classic Collection of Comic Verse,' September 2001
When Jack fell down the hill
All the way down, he blamed Jill.
And Humpty-Dumpty was no brave heart
They say that he just fell apart.
Mary might have helped Jack stop
But she was busy grilling a chop
(Good thing Bo-Peep was fast asleep
And yet to know she’d lost her sheep)
As for Old King Cole and his thousand men
They were all out, at the pub again.
Goosey gander wandered all round town,
But didn’t pass the hill that Jack came tumbling down.
The King of Hearts had troubles enough
(What with the Queen finding out about the birds and tarts and stuff.)
All I know is, when Jack landed,
It wasn’t vinegar and brown paper he demanded.
Twinkle twinkling stars danced in his head.
No rhyme could repeat the words he said.
He threw down the now empty bucket
And shouted up to Jill “I’ll chuck it – (Got you!)
Up to you! You draw the water!
I’m off to marry some rich king’s daughter!”
But Jill was having none of this. “Hey!” she yelled, “We made a deal!
How dare you leave! How do you think I feel?
How will the rhyme begin if you are done?
‘Jill went up the hill, got the water and spilt none?’
There’s no excitement in that line, no story to relate,
Get your bucket, and your backside, back up here mate!”
And so, they both still toil away – you’ll know if you read the verse.
Jill’s fine, as she always is. But Jack’s headache’s getting worse!