These silent tears I cry

This pain I keep inside

I don’t know how much longer

I can keep myself alive

Each day I’m getting smaller

As my darkness takes me over

I think I may be slipping away

Into the pit of hopelessness

What can I do

How hard must I try

To keep you from hating

The person I am inside

I feel so alone

So inadequate

What is so wrong with me

That you should hate me so

The words that you say to me

Each and everyday

Leave lasting impressions

On my fragile mind

What is it in me

That causes you so much anger

That everything I do

Should make you hurt me with the evil words you say

I am sick of being guilty

Each time we fight

Why is it my lips say sorry

And yours stay sealed with silence

Do you no longer love me

Or did you even ever

Am I just a means

To the end that you are seeking

I feel no more than a child

Who is not worthy of trust

Our lives are so separate

I’m beginning to feel so desperate

Kristen Rice-Alam

written Feb. 18-07

To Dad,

  I want to write to you my feelings that have been bothering me for ages now.  I think all my problems started with self harm when Kyle left the house because he was the only one that was on my side.  He was the only one I could trust with my feelings.  I still feel the same way today.  I remember vividly the day you came to my room on your farm and told me to apologize to paulet after she had beat me up because she almost caused you guys to get a divorce.  Dad, do you realize how much that hurt me?  And yes it did hurt me and still does that Paulet would cut up the one thing from my childhood that I cherished more than anything, my baby picture.  When I had asked her about it years ago she said it wasn’t mine anyways, well newsflash, I am sure it didn’t’ have any sentimental value to her and I am also sure she would have been hurt had one of her daughters baby pictures been cut up by me without asking.  You no longer seem to take notice as to when I am upset or hurt.  As long as Paulet is happy so are you.  I hate that, dad and I feel no connection between us anymore which is why I am sometimes very rude to you.  I don’t feel important at all in your family and sometimes wish I could go to Bangladesh to Tanvirs parents because they make me feel special.  You always have and still do stick up for Paulet even when it hurts me.  I feel you love her daughters more than you do me because that’s what she wants.  I really don’t want to be included in your so called family functions anymore especially since Mathew is there because I always end up feeling hurt.  I don’t know how many times I need to hear how much bigger Mathew is than Amira before Paulet will think she got the point across.  I grew up my whole life thinking that life was a competition and that I had to win peoples love and acceptance and it really really bothers me to see Paulet comparing Amira and Mathew all the time about their size.  I don’t care who’s bigger.  Paulet got mad at you in Mountanas for saying that because Amira doesn’t sleep that much it means shes intelligent because she thinks Mathew sleeps all the time.  Well, news flash, all newborns sleep all the time.  Why is it ok for her to say things about Mathew and not you about Amira.  I also hate the way she oohs and aahhs over Mathew everytime she sees him and the only time she mentions something good about Amira is when she sees I am upset.  I don’t care about material gifts either, you can’t buy your way into my heart.  I have had my heart broken enough in my life that I am not going to let anybody else in to screw me up even more.  I am angry at you dad for how you have been unresponsive to my feelings and you just act like everythings ok as long as Paulet is happy, you’re happy.  You have changed a lot.  I don’t know that I want to trust anybody anymore nor that I want your sympathy.  I don’t want gifts or anything.  I wish I had my mom, somebody to love me for who I am.  Somebody to be there to talk to me when I need to talk.  I know you guys are there but everytime I am in your presence I never feel like I fit in.  I don’t know whats the matter with me but I wish I could run away from all of you and just leave my past behind.  I remember ever since you got with Paulet I wanted her to love me like she does her daughters but I have come to the conclusion that this will never be true.  Blood is important, that I now know.  Yes, I am and was upset about the thanksgiving because I was really excited about it and looking forward to doing something myself for my family and when Paulet changes the plans like that so she can accommodate her own needs it hurts me.  I realize Andrias wedding is important and was willing to postpone thanksgiving but she just said I don’t think you could handle it anyways, why not have it at the farm.  That hurt me.  I have plans too you know and feelings.  Sometimes I would like to feel included but right now my stomach is unsettling and I feel I would rather leave you all behind.  I don’t need another competition in my life.  I don’t want to feel left out or used anymore.  I feel it would be easier to not be a part of the family.

Kristen

Now that I have written a letter to everyone else I may as well write to myself.  Today the police confirmed my worthlessness.  I am a whiner and I require too much of people.  It’s a wonder Tanvir hasn’t yet divorced me.  I am an asshole and hurt everybody that I encounter.  I am ultrasensitive and a bad mom and wife.  Tanvir is right to say all the nasty things in the world he can find about me.  I am a psycho like he says.  Who would want to love me when I don’t even love myself.  My mom doesn’t even love me for God sakes, why should I expect anybody else to love me.  I am worthless and will never get better, why am I trying to fool myself.  I would have done everyone a favor by jumping off a cliff.  I am an embarrassment and I am embaressed of myself.  I feel ugly to even be seen or heard.  I am ashamed of who and what I am and wish God hadn’t put me on this earth.  I live only because I don’t want to hurt those who do love me, not because I am better than death.  I deserve nothing more than to die and put everyone out of misery with my presence.  I don’t know how I became to be this monster that I am but I am here and wish with all my heart that I wasn’t.  Life can be cruel sometimes and cheat you of death.  I am a horrible mother, and will probably end up just like my mom.  I don’t know how anybody can even say they love me or stick around.  Its no wonder Tanvir never wants to be at home.  Would I want to be with myself either, NO! I hate myself more than my worst enemy.  I deserve any and all ridicule that I get.  Everyone is right and I am wrong. 

Weight: 110

Caloric Intake: 211

Hey,

   I didn't really do anything today.  I guess I was kinda lazy.  I am so frustrated right now.  Every morning I wake up and weigh myself and my scale seems to be stuck on 110.  I don't know what to do, but I can't stand all this fat on me.  I want to reach my short-term goal of 105 pounds real soon.  Being fat sux the big one!!!!! 

Kristen

Weight: 107

Caloric Intake: 60 cals so far

I am so happy, I have finally managed to lose some weight.  For awhile there my scale was stuck on 110 pounds.  anyways, the days kinda suck and drag on.  I feel like I have no life, all I do is homework and sit in my room.  Maybe I will kill myself by starving to death.  Who knows?  Right now I don't really care what happens to me.  Life seems so dull and boring.  Sometimes it just repeats itself and i feel like I am playing a video tape over and over again.  I don't know if anybody feels the same way, but I sure the hell do.  Well, I haven't cut myself since i got my stitches so thats good I guess.  Although, I do wish that one time when I cut deep I would actually bleed to death instead of just getting stitched up and ready to live another day in this world.  Anyways, gotta go do some more homework, FUN!!!!  NOT!

Kristen

C.W: 105.5

G.W: 90

Caloric Intake: 230

I don't really know how I am doing or what i am feeling.  Why am I here, sometimes I wonder.  Thanks to all my ana buddies for your support.  You guys mean the world to me.  Without you i would be lost.  I am still going to college but it can be really stressful sometimes.  I hope I don't freak out and cut myself again at the college.  However, I have to admit, it was kinda kewl seeing my blood everywhere.  Man, I still have homework to do.  I better get cracking..  Take care everybody.

Kristen

CW-105

1st GW-100

2nd GW-95

Caloric Intake:  Nothing yet today

I love ana. But at times i find myself wondering where my life is heading. I have always excelled in school and i know i could do great but everytime I give up ana i feel empty inside. i feel devoured by total darkness and emptiness. It want to be so thin that I disappear. i want to see my bones poke through my skin and see no fat. I don't know why i became ana or why ana chose me but she did and I am ana so i must live with it. It is hard and frustrating at times and I hate lying to my family and friends. My life is confusing, even I don't understand myself. Do i really hate myself that much? Is that why i cut myself all the time and starve. The answers to these questions I just don't know. Why did god choose this life for me to live. i just want to give up and die. i want my life to be over, maybe that's why I starve myself. Maybe it's nothing more than a death wish.

Kristen



Kristen

CW-104.5

1st GW-100

Caloric Intake-90 so far

I saw my psychiatrist today and it went ok. He told me that I looked skinney so that made me feel good.  I haven't eaten much today which is good.  I think my body is adjusting to me starving myself cuz i don;'t feel hungry that often anymore.  I fill up on coffee and eat as little as I can.  I am so happy that i keep losing weight everyday.  It is very encouraging.  I have to do sociology homework tonight which sucks.  i have a midterm on Tuesday so I better study.  Not much else is new. 

Do you ever feel so alone, so hopeless, so desperate that you feel like your soul is dead and you're nothing but a walking zombie.  That's how I feel right now.  I feel like a worthless piece of crap that has no fucking friends.  I hope to god I die soon or somebody murders me.  At least I wouldn't have to suffer in this fucking ruthless world anymore where nobody give to shits about anybody but themselves.  I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate this world!  Two of my fucking roommates just told me that they are moving out and they didn't even give a month's notice or anything at all.  I got back from a weekend at my cuzins b4 I got this news.  NOw I hate myself and feel used and taken advantage of.  I have no friends and no life and I don't want to live anymore.  I pray to God that I die soon.

Kristen

I hate myself today.  Well, when don't I?  I have been so outta control lately and I hate myself for it.  I have binged a few times and have let the food win.  I was totally outta control and I should be punished.  I am trying to restrict as much as I can now, but I find it so hard at night time not to binge.  That's when I feel like eating the most.  But food is evil, and I am not gonna binge tonight.  I need to stay in control and beat my enemy.  I got down to 101.5lbs the other day and that made me so happy.  That is the lowest weight I have ever been in my life, since puberty of course.  I will reward myself once I reach 99 pounds.  Picked that weight cuz it will be my starting in the 2 digits.  Wooppii.  I am so excited.  I feel like a failure though in a way.  Im dropping outta college cuz I just can't take it anymore.  I keep cuttin myself in class and stuff. I think I am going to do my studies through correspondence.  Hopefully that works better.  I cleaned so much today and I am so happy.  Burned lots of cals doin that, lol.  Anyways, my fuckin hand hurts cuz I cut it up the other day.  Don't know what the hell I was thinkin but I will never do that again. 

Kristen

Man do I ever hate my life.  OK, today started out ok and then I decided to go downtown for a walk since I ate lots of chocolate in the morning and felt really bad about it.  I went to the park and read a bit and then decided to  start walking home but on my way home I went weird.  I saw a piece of glass and picked it up and was gonna cut myself.  I didn't want to cut my arms anymore cuz my soon to be husband would see it, so I did a quick slash on my stomach. It bled so that was good...I just needed to see blood.  Anyways, I am like fatter than ever.  I can't believe how outta control I have been lately with my eating.  I gotta get back in control. Last night I watched the movie "A Simple Life" and I was so jealous of Paris Hiltons body.  She is like so skinney.  But I am glad I saw it cuz that gave me the inspiration I needed to get back on track.  I am gonna start restricting like hell and when I eat it will only be fruits/veggies.  NO PROCESSED FOODS FOR ME.  I think the world is trying to poison me.  I hope I get skinney soon and will definately update ya if I do.  I wanna get to at least 100 soon.  I was at 98 but then I lost it, so I know that I CAN do it if I am determined which I am.  Anyways, talk to ya later.

Kristen

I have done good so far today and its already 5pm.  I haven't eaten anything yet and I feel great.  I have been so outta control lately with my eating so this afternoon instead of eating something cuz I felt bored I just had a nap.  I am feeling good now and am gonna try my hardest not to eat anything at all today.  I wanna be like I was before when I had way more control.  I used to just eat a few baby carrots and slices of an apple if I was really good.  Now it seems I am always being weak and giving in to my cravings.  I am sick of doing that cuz it always makes me feel guilty.  I am also jealous of all those models on TV and actors and everytime I see them I feel envious that I am not that skinney yet.  I want people to know I have control and to do that I need to be skinnier.  It's just so hard sometimes cuz food is like everywhere you go.  Thats all people do is eat, eat, eat.  Sometimes I think this world is eating itself to death so why can't I starve myself to death.  At least I am not following everybody else and being hypnotized by all those disgusting food commercials for fatty foods.  I am gonna try to stick to diet Pepsi, coffee, water, and if I must eat, fruits or veggies.  Man, I am feeling so restless right now and I hate it.  Its like I am so unsettled and don't know what to do.  Why am I still here?  My life is a broken record but I am still in it.  This sucks!  I am getting married on Friday.  I am excited about that and scared at the same time.  He is really nice to me and I always feel good when I am with him.  Its just that my life is going to change and I have always had a hard time accepting change.  I also feel like I will be a huge burden to him.  I mean I don't want to hurt anybody but myself but I know when I do that I automatically hurt others, but still that doesn't stop me.  Man, my life feels messed up.  Well I g2g.

Kristen

OH MAN!!! I don't know what to do anymore..  My eating is like way too outta control.  I ate so much this morning.  I had 6 muffins, can u believe it.  I ate those at 1pm and havent eaten anything since and am not gonna if I have anything to do with it.  Its now 6:40pm.  I feel bad though.  I want to way less and its taking me forever to get back down to 100.  I wish I could be like I was b4.  Now it seems I have no control over anything.  Anytime someone pisses me off it's like I reach for food.  But I am not gonna do that anymore.  Oh man, I was at my cuzins birthday the other day and my grandpa was there.   Guess what he said to me? He first asked me what I was doing with my life and I said I wasn't doing anything right now.  I am on disability and he knows that I have mental health issues, but he doesn't care.  So he's like, you know Kristen, The world doesn't owe u a living.  I wanted to go kill myself right then and there and say ok fine then.  I have been wanting to die for a long time and that just made me feel even more worthless.  It's like I feel like I am a fucking loser thats just in the way of everything, even my own family.  I don't want to spend the governments money either, but I have tried getting a job b4 and it never lasted long cuz I just get way too overwhelmed.  I have decided I am never going to visit him again cuz he's a stubborn, cold-hearted asshole as far as I am concerned.  SO fuck him.  OH man I haven't cut myself in awhile and it's driving me crazy.  Its like trying to quit smoking in a way.  I always crave it.  Anyways I am gonna jet.  TTyl

Kristen

I really hate how my life is going.  Right now I am feeling empty but pure.  I am on my 4th day fasting and it excites me but in a way I would also like to get over this fucking ed because it is taking over my life.  All I think about all day is food.  My mind is evil and everytime I even think about having a bite of something it tells me, "No! You know if u start eating now you will mess up all the progress you have made, gain lots of weight and you won't be able to stop eating once you start".  Food is evil.  It controls me.  I don't know how to get rid of this monster inside me.  I can feel it eating up my body but I know soon my mind is going to go too.  I just wish I could have a miracle and get over this.  But I am scared to death to gain even half a pound.  I want to get to 80lbs at least.  I have never even been that low b4 but I have read and heard about all these other anorexics that can get down to like 45lbs and it makes me so jealous and envious.  I need more control.  Fighting with my urge to eat or not to eat all day is really tiring me out.  I am going insane.  I talked to my mental health worker today and she said she's going to start taking my blood pressure, and weight every week that I see her.  Today she tried to weigh me but I was too scared to let her see how fat I am.  My life evolves around how thin I can be.  The thinner I am the more deserving and happy that I feel.  If I eat, then I just feel guilty all day and I definately can't live with that feeling so I would just rather starve.  Unless some miracle happens I know I will die starving myself to death.

Kristen

I haven't written in here in forever, but today i feel like i need to.  I have been working on changing my website to a recovery site and its taking me awhile partly because I dont want to lose ana.  I feel like i still need her sometimes.   My life is so chaotic sometimes and thats what used to hold me together and i feel that by changing my site I will lose Ana forever.  I still want her in my life but i know I cant have her.  My daughter needs me.  I can tell you that if I didnt have a daughter I would be ana in a second. Its so hard to give up that control issue.  I know she eventually controlled me but at least i still felt I had some control over my life by starving myself.  And I also had a goal with it, to constantly lose weight.  It kept my head on straight so I didnt have to face life.  Now I feel so vulnerable and out in the open.   I am a mom which is a lot of responsibility and scarey at times because I know i have to stay well and I miss having ana.  My daughter is great and I am glad that I had her or else I would probably be dead soon.  I guess God knew that I was getting too outta control and thats why he blessed me with my little princess.  Still now I want to lose weight but not like before.  I will just try to cut down on the bad foods and stay healthy because i need to.  But  I really do miss ana.   I miss keeping count of my weight and everything I eat.  I miss waking up everyday and rising to the challenge of how much i won't eat.  What I dont miss though is the weakness i used to feel and the dizzy spells.  I don't miss the purging that I was eventually doing in the end.  But I miss the control and I miss looking skinney.  I feel so fat nowadays.  My tummy is no longer flat like b4 and it kills me to look in the mirror and see what my body has become.  Anyways i am rambling here so  I will go and i will try to keep u updated on my progress,

Kristen