Kelvin: I just got kicked out of athletics for my entire senior year. I failed the mandatory drug test.

Veronica: So what's new, Kelvin? You failed it last year, too, if I remember correctly.

Kelvin: Yeah, but I'm clean now, for goin' on ten months.

Veronica: Give me your hands, look into my eyes, and swear to that fact.

Kelvin: Veronica, I swear that there is no possible way I could've failed that drug test.

Veronica: Hm.

Kelvin: So am I lyin'?

Veronica: I don't know.

Kelvin: Then what was all that for?

Veronica: I just wanted to see if you'd do it.

---

Veronica: You were very convincing, but I don't do that kind of work anymore.

Kelvin: So who's supposed to help me out, then?

Veronica: Encyclopedia Brown? I hear he's good.

Kelvin: I guess it's true what they say about you then, huh?

Veronica: Probably, but you're gonna have to narrow it down for me.

---

Veronica Voiceover: Suffice to say, I've got plenty of material for any back-to-school "What I did last summer" essay I'm asked to write.

---

Wallace: You didn't call me back last night.

Veronica: Don't go gettin' all girl on me.

---

Wallace: I failed my drug test. I'm booted from athletics for the whole year.

Veronica: You don't do drugs.

Wallace: No duh, Sherlock. And it wasn't just me. Five of us total failed — and Jimmy Day, our starting quarterback, he passed it. And everybody saw him blazin' one up down on the boardwalk.

---

Wallace: So you'll help?

Veronica: Do you even have to ask? Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in...

---

Veronica: Hey, what period do you have office aide this year? Wallace: Believe it or not, I didn't sign up for a second year of office aide. Veronica: Yeah, that doesn't work for me. Wallace: Well, you can take that up with Moms. She had these crazy ideas about me havin' a well-rounded education. But, don't underestimate me. The master key. Yeah. And I got all the administrative passwords I could get my hands on. Veronica: Ooh, you're good. Wallace: You know, you know. I get all my criminal tendencies from you. --- Veronica: Got any enemies you know about? Wallace: Well, there's the Klan. Veronica: This is not really their M.O. Wallace: I guess that leaves everybody that hates you. --- Kelvin: This kid, a sophomore, they call him Butters. You know, he was climbing the pegboard in gym class before PE last year. Tryin' to show off. It pissed me off. Veronica: So? Kelvin: So I pantsed him! It was hysterical! Veronica: Wow, you're cool. --- Veronica: I heard that you were kicked off the cheerleading squad. Meg: Yeah, but you know me, I'm a major stoner. It was really affecting me, too, I was like, "Let's go! Let's go! L-E-T-S...duh..." --- Veronica: Can you think of anyone who might have done this to you? Meg: Well, there is this one person. I used to think she was a friend, but, uh...but yeah, yeah, now that I think about it, she'd have no reservations and she definitely has the talent to pull it off. Let me know if you have any luck tracking her down, 'kay? --- Wallace: Did you learn anything today? Veronica: Kelvin Moore, while giving up his pot-smoking ways, has not given up being an obnoxious jackwad. --- Veronica: I know a 24-year-old floozie who thinks you're hot. Keith: This floozie, did you get her digits? Wallace: Hey, all right now, don't make me have to go home and tell my mama. Keith: Wallace, your mother and I have an understanding. Veronica: You do? Keith: Yes, and it's this: I behave myself, and she doesn't leave me. So please, tell her nothing, other than I worship the ground on which she treads. Wallace: I'm leavin' now. Keith: The ground on which she treads. You might want to write that down. Wallace: Got it. --- Keith: So. Senior year. How was your first day of school, honey? Veronica: Great. I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money, and then skipped out after lunch. Keith: What, no premarital sex? Veronica: Oh. Yeah. Yes. But don't worry, Dad — I swear you're gonna like these guys. Keith: That's my girl. Veronica: I missed you. Keith: Ah, I missed you too. Now where's my turkey pot pie, woman? --- Veronica: Butters? Vincent: "Butters" is the name of the weak, loser suck-up on South Park. "Butters" implies soft, fat... Veronica: But oh so delicious. Vincent: My given name is Vincent. Veronica: I hear you were pantsed in gym last spring, Vincent. Vincent: Are you requesting a private viewing? Veronica: And now, the guy who pantsed you and all the people who might have chuckled end up kicked off athletics for the year. Curious. Vincent: Justice. It can be a bitch. Veronica: You're playing a dangerous game. Kelvin will take your head off if I tell him you're the reason he's off football this year. Vincent: You know what? I don't think he will. Hey, Pop. Clemmons: Son. ---  Wallace: Permanent files are in that brownish-beige filing cabinet. Veronica: I can't believe after a year of working here you don't know the make and model of the filing cabinet. Wallace: Yeah, it is hard to believe. Usually, memorizing that information is the first thing I do when I enter a room containing a filing cabinet. --- Veronica: Scary, isn't it? The lax security? What if someone was trying to alter your permanent file? Wallace: We're trying to alter it, right now. Veronica: Alter it back. There's a difference. Wallace: Alter it back. Cool. I was wondering where we were drawing that ethical line this year. --- Wallace: So there's no alterations, there's no forgery... Veronica: So it appears. Wallace: So I'm screwed, basically. Veronica: Unless...the results were accurate. Wallace: [Rastafarian accent] Yeah, mon. Maybe I smoke so much ganja, I don't even remembah doin' it. --- Veronica: Eat any mystery brownies lately? Wallace: Spirit b—! [quieter] Spirit boxes! The day of the Back to School Athletics Banquet, there were spirit boxes in our lockers. There weren't any brownies in there, but there were cookies. Veronica: Did you eat one? Wallace: I ate six. Veronica: That's my Wallace. --- Veronica: My dad is probably watching us through a telescope. Logan: He's probably impressed with your virtue. Veronica: ...And that telescope is mounted on a rifle. Logan: [mouthing] Five more minutes. --- Logan: You should feel lucky. I mean, you could be out here with some pretty boy jerk just lookin' to get laid. Veronica: Wait. What are you saying, you're not pretty? Logan: What I'm trying to say is, I'm in love with you. Veronica: The things guys'll say to get past second base... --- Veronica: [knocking] Are you done yet? Wallace: It is never going to happen if you keep doin' that! Veronica: I see. Stage fright? I'm making you nervous. Well, according to the box we only need a few drops and it'll test for cocaine, steroids, pot... Keith: What's up, honey? Veronica: Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample. Keith: Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls? --- Veronica: If I know the name of a corporation, how do I find out the names of its shareholders? Keith: You get the strangest homework in health class. Veronica: Can you keep your trap shut if we tell you why we need it? No running off and telling your girlfriend. Keith: Agreed. Veronica: Wallace has been kicked out of athletics for his entire senior year for failing the mandatory drug test. But Wallace is clean. See for yourself. Keith: Himah-oah-ah...I take your word for it. --- Wallace: So what's the plan? Veronica: We're gonna scare 'em. Wallace: How is that gonna help me? Veronica: Well...it'll be fun. --- Veronica: She's taking anyone from newspaper, yearbook, and broadcast news class who wants to tour Shark field tomorrow. Wallace: Wow. I can't believe you're going. Veronica: I like baseball. Wallace: Yeah, but you don't like people. Veronica: I love people. I'm a people person! --- Logan: My sister is negotiating with networks to sell her version of the Aaron Echolls story. I think the sticking point is she's insisting she play herself. The producers, on the other hand, are insisting on Tara Reid. Veronica: Trina wasn't even around. Logan: Who do you suppose cares? I always wanted a TV movie version of my life. Hey, you think they could get Tom Welling to play me? Veronica: Dream on. --- Dick: Logan! And Logan's special lady friend who I approve of wholeheartedly and without reservation. --- Dick: Don't make me go in there and get all Ordinary People on you, Beav. Beaver: The older brother drowns, dumbass. --- Kendall: Welcome home, children. How was school? Who wants a Rice Krispie treat? Beaver: Gee, Mom, you're the best, but I'll pass. Kendall: Hm. Beaver: You met Mumsie, right? Dick: The club, the clambake. Remember? God, you're retarded. Beaver: And yet it's a miracle that I managed to score 400 points higher than you on my SATs, huh? Kendall: Now boys, you don't want me to tell your father you couldn't play nice. Logan: Uh, I want a Rice Krispie treat. Kendall: Go make it yourself then, kid. Do I look like a cook? --- Logan: Ah, young love. Duncan: You're coming on the field trip? I figured you and the other Jets would be rumbling with the Sharks. Logan: Cool it, Action. --- Dick: Miss Dumbass! Miss Dumas: It's "du-mahs," Dick. Dick: Well, my name's pronounced "Ree-shard," and it stinks back here. --- Dick: Hey, who's the lovely young flower blossoming into womanhood? Duncan: Let me guess: you want to pluck her. --- Woody Goodman: Why do I love baseball? The home run. The long ball. I'll admit it: I'm no purist. Give me an 11 to 9 slugfest and I'm in heaven. Beaver: Ah, so that's why Sharks pitching sucks. --- Veronica: You never played Little League? Duncan: Oh. Well, Mom was afraid that a ball would hit me in the face, Dad was afraid it would interfere with mock U.N., and I was afraid I couldn't hit a curveball. Veronica: I'm afraid you're going to get love handles if you eat all that. Duncan: I have an excellent metabolism. Veronica: Well then, it's official: I hate you. --- Dick: Hey. We're not takin' that stank-ass bus back to Neptune. My dad's sending a limo. Would you and your girlfriend — whose quick wit I find enchanting — like to take a trip back in style? Miss Dumbass said it was cool. Duncan: Hell yeah. Veronica: ...Fine. Dick: Cool. Veronica: I feel dirty. Duncan: "Dirty" one "r," or two "r"'s? --- Duncan: You don't owe her anything. You didn't do anything to her. Veronica: You are so not a girl. --- Terrence: So who's your favorite player? Veronica: Um... Duncan: Tell him. Be honest. Terrence: It's Johnny Damon, isn't it? Veronica: He's so pretty. --- Weevil: What are you doin' here, huh? Shouldn't you be running for homecoming queen or something? Veronica: I'm safe standing here, right? I mean, you're not going to shoot me, are you? Driver Ed Veronica Voiceover: If a school bus, traveling forty miles per hour, drives off a cliff and plunges ninety feet into the jagged coastline, how many seconds did the six high school students, their teacher, and bus driver have to contemplate the fact that they're about to die? Two Mississipis' worth of screams, life flashes, and prayers, maybe? But if anyone used that time to make a deal with his maker, only one of them was heard. --- Jackie: When you guys are done breaking up, can I get a macchiato? Veronica: I'm actually just the hostess, but I — Jackie: Look, I don't care if you're the house magician, can you just make me a macchiato? Veronica: You're a macchiato. --- Jessie: You know who I am, right? Veronica: I do. Jessie: Just out of curiosity, did you know who I was last week? Veronica: Nope. Jessie: Your dad drives one bus off a cliff, and your days of being under the radar are over. Veronica: I'm sorry, did you want something? Jessie: Yeah, so...I need proof that my father didn't kill himself. I have a mother, and a little brother, and we've become accustomed to having a place to live and, like, food. --- Woody: Sportsmanship. That's what it's all about, isn't it? It's what separates us from the animals. That and, uh...opposable thumbs. --- Keith: I can't imagine where I'd be if you had gotten back on that bus. Veronica: You'd be sad for a while, and then you'd probably turn my room into some sort of sewing nook or yoga studio. Keith: You don't have to make a joke, you know. Veronica: Sure I do. --- Jackie: Thanks for taking me. I don't know what I would have done. This school is sooooo big. Wallace: You know, I'm just trying to be a nice guy. Jackie: How's that working out for you? Wallace: I'm getting about three hallways' worth of quality time. I'm gonna say it's going pretty good. Jackie: Look, I haven't dated a guy in high school since the eighth grade. Wallace: I'm an old soul. Seriously, these eyes have seen things. Did I mention I'm a nice guy? Jackie: Ah, "nice." The great pantydropper! Wallace: Okay, I'm not that nice. Jackie: Oh, yes you are. Wallace: How do you know? Jackie: 'Cause, I haven't tried to make out with you yet. Wallace: Oh, you're one of those. Only like the bad boys. Why do all the hottest girls always have a daddy complex? Jackie: Daddy complex? Wallace: What? I was kidding. Jackie: I met you about three seconds ago and you've already got me analyzed. Get over yourself. Wallace: Jackie, I'm sorry, I was kidding. Jackie: A "Whatever, bitch" and a 180 back to study hall and we could have had something. --- Logan: Afternoon delight? Ooh, considerably better than fifth-period English. Kendall: Ugh, you need to not remind me you're in high school. There's an ick factor. Logan: Is that so? Kendall: Yeah. School in general, not very hot. Unless I'm wearing a naughty schoolgirl uniform. Then it's very hot. Logan: I'm sure it would be, for the three seconds you had it on. Kendall: You know, you're my first younger guy. Logan: Oh. It is an honor and a privilege. --- Wallace: Whatcha doin'? Veronica: Remebering why I'm a misanthrope. --- Duane: Be careful going around those cliffs. Don't pull a Bussy, please. You're too cute to die. --- Veronica: Either I am getting stealthier or your hearing is not what it used to be. --- Veronica: I have excellent time management skills, I'm also great with people, and I have a very soothing phone voice. Sacks: You're serious? Veronica: As a code three on a one eighty-seven in a res dist. ---

Student: This chick just came out of nowhere, slammed into it. Just pow!

Wallace: You know who it was?

Student: Some blonde chick. She had a nice ass, but I'd never seen her before.

Wallace: See, but now if that's all you got, I gotta go look at every decent-assed blonde chick in the school.

---

Lamb: What are you up to, Veronica?

Veronica: The last question, actually. "Why do you want this position?" Honestly, and really tell me the truth: how much of an ass-kiss would I be if I admit it's to be close to you? Seriously. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you're near?

---

Wallace: Wallace Fennel is on the case. You know what that means?

Jackie: That Wallace Fennel wants to get in my pants.

Wallace: And? What else?

Jackie: That's all I've got.

Wallace: It's already solved.

---

Big Dick: Well, it's a good way to let off some steam, but when you're at the point where you want to shoot someone, you want to take them down, you don't want to wing 'em. Heart, and head. That's where it counts.

Logan: Ain't that the truth.

Big Dick: You need focus. Precision. The ability to only think about the task at hand. When I'm working, my family doesn't exist. Sound awful?

Logan: Mmm, no.

Big Dick: It's not. Because when I'm with my family, work doesn't exist.

Logan: I think my father has a similar philosophy. Yeah. Of course, he's a murderer, so...yeah.

---

Logan: Dude, have you forgotten? I live alone.

Dick: Yeah, but only psycho chicks want to go to Casa de Killer.

---

Veronica: If I die unexpectedly, do me a favor. Go on Oprah, and tell the world I loved kittens.

---

Logan: Hmm. What's different about you? Did you cut your hair or something? FYI, if the cuddling is the best part, he didn't do it right.

---

Veronica Voicever: Okay. I know my father is a brilliant detective with a keen intuition and a finely-tuned B.S. detector, but there is no way he can tell that I've had sex. Right?

Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang 

Veronica Voiceover: Senior year. College applications due in three months, scholarship applications in six. Since most of my extracurricular activities cannot be divulged under state law, my guidance counselor strongly suggested I indulge in a little résumé packing. So as of now, Veronica Mars is a Future Business Leader of America.

---

Veronica: So who are we exploiting now?

Duncan: The workers.

Veronica: Exxccellent.

---

Sacks: Sheriff wants to ask you some questions.

Veronica: My answer was final: I will not go to prom with him.

---

Lamb: So I guess you know why you're here. You wanna tell me about it?

Veronica: Okay. I confess. God, you're good! I have no idea why I'm here. But I'm sure my dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crimebusting stare for no apparent reason.

Lamb: He didn't need to know that you were here. You're eighteen now, kiddo. You're an adult.

Veronica: Well that makes one of us. So are you going to tell me why I'm here, or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly constipated David Caruso?

Lamb: What can you tell me about your relationship with this man?

Veronica: Ah, yes. I remember that summer. He was a roadie for White Snake, I was singing backup for BoyzIIMen. They said it would never work, but —

Lamb: I'm glad that you find this amusing.

---

Veronica: Ugh! Child in the room, hands at your sides, please.

---

Veronica Voiceover: Kendall Lacey Casablancas. Née Lacey Shifflet. Just another Arizona State dropout turned featured music video background dancer turned Laker girl living off a ten thousand dollar a year salary, a purse full of credit cards, and a string of baller boyfriends. Until a twice-divorced white knight swept her away to bimbo paradise. And for a true Hollywood story without the happy ending, David "Curly" Moran: one time stuntman who crashed his career in the '80s. Just remember kids, crystal meth and precision driving don't mix.

---

Wallace: What're you lookin' at?

Veronica: Just...tawdriness.

Wallace: ...What're you lookin' at now?

Veronica: The opposite of tawdriness. Wallace and his pudding cup.

---

Wallace: Hey. I like her, okay? Retract claws.

Veronica: Claws? What claws?

---

Mr. Pope: Congratulations FBLAers, you are now worth exactly one million dollars!

Logan: What? You mean I've lost money? Heads will roll.

---

Mr. Pope: I would've retired earlier, but actually, the, uh, the restoration's been tricky. We had to re-seal the hull twice.

Logan: Didn't plug her right the first time, huh?

---

Duncan: Veronica, it's no big deal. Just what guys do sometimes.

Veronica: I don't think Colin Firth gets into these pointless fisticuffs. A pistol duel, maybe, but...

---

Alicia: So what do you think the kids are doing right now?

Keith: As long as they're not in jail or setting anything on fire, I kinda don't care.

---

Jackie: Hey, Veronica.

Veronica: Hey, Jackie. And...random dude.

---

Kendall: "Veronica"? Is my little boy cheating on me?

Logan: It's just someone from school.

Kendall: Ooh, a schoolgirl.

Logan: Yeah.

Kendall: Should we invite her over? I got a boy toy; a girl toy might spice things up a little.

Logan: I can handle the spice department, thank you very much.

---

Veronica: I love what you've done with the place.

Logan: Yeah. Yeah, now you know what you were missing.

Veronica: Is your girlfriend still here?

Logan: Girlfriend? Girlfriend, uh, you have to be a little more specific.

Veronica: Let me clarify: the one whose husband is gonna break you in half when he finds out that his son's old Cub Scout camperee buddy is secretly plowing his wife.

Logan: Aha. That one is less a girlfriend and more a...playmate. Kind of.

Veronica: I hope you're scared on the inside, Logan. What if I had been Mr. Casablancas? What would you have done then, huh? Just standing here in your towel and your room still reeking of bimbo?

Logan: I suppose I woulda had some 'splainin' to do.

Green-Eyed Monster

Keith: You're supposed to be here organizing the office, not soliciting clients. Maybe you haven't noticed, I'm running for sheriff? I can't even get to the cases I already have.

Veronica: Well, maybe I could help. Just with the little stuff, nothing that requires body armor.

Keith: Veronica, you don't work here. You work at Java the Hut.

Veronica: Yeah, that tip money's going to pay for Stanford.

---

Veronica Voiceover: The only way I'd ever make two grand in a week working at the Hut is if they installed a pole.

---

Julie: Aren't you awfully young to be doing this?

Veronica: It's amazing — I never get tired of that question.

---

Keith: I was out early doing some surveillance, thought I'd stop by, say hi, and send the Fennel men to school with a belly full of sugar.

Wallace: Keith Mars for sheriff.

---

Veronica: My dad spend the night at your place?

Wallace: Yep.

Veronica: He do the a.m. donut fakeout run?

Wallace: Want one?

---

Keith: Smile! Oh, yeah. Work it! Work it! Work it!

Nathan: You're gonna be pullin' that camera outta your —

Keith: Ah, ah. The light's much better where you're standing.

Nathan: Keith Mars. Former sheriff, private detective, author.

Keith: Wow. Carl Morgan. Three years in Lompoc, assault and battery, cocaine possession, intent to sell. We should really give our publicists pats on the back.

---

Veronica: Ruh-roh.

---

Veronica: Julie! Stand down. He's not cheating on you — he's with a rabbi.

Julie: A rabbi? He's not Jewish, I'm Jewish!

Veronica: ...Are you there yet?

---

Veronica Voiceover: Every day. That's what Meg's dad said. What's Duncan doing at the hospital?

[phone rings]

Julie: Do you think he still loves her?

Veronica: I don't know. ...What? Who is this?

---

Veronica: It's 2:27 in the morning. The Silver package has its perks, but post-midnight girl talk is not one of them.

Julie: What if I get an upgrade? What comes after Silver?

Veronica: Psycho?

Julie: What?

Veronica: Gold, Julie. It's three thousand dollars.

---

Weevil: Yo, Martha. I heard you took a ride downtown behind the one-eighty-seven. So did you flop for the cops or did the local Wapner hook you up with some ankle bling?

Veronica: You know the deal, cuz. Every time a kiddie cries in this town, one-time tries to put a case on me. Speaking of bling, what's up with the hoops? If I rub your head, do I get three wishes?

Weevil: You rub my head and you might want to make seeing tomorrow your first wish.

---

Veronica: Where's that disco ball you usually wear?

Weevil: It's probably deep in some chick's shag carpet.

Veronica: You think?

Weevil: Yeah.

Veronica: 'Cause I'm guessing more like...an evidence bag in the sheriff's office.

---

Veronica: My question, and I'm betting it's the Sheriff's, is what was your earring doing at the Road Hog, in the last place Curly Moran was seen alive.

Weevil: You know, I don't even know what earring you're talkin' about, so...

Veronica: It's kinda like the one in your yearbook photo. Hmm, sheriff's department speed dial. If this doesn't get me out of that jaywalking ticket...

---

Weevil: Look, should I be expecting a visit from Lamb? If I know I'm being brought in, I'll put on my good underwear, you know?

Veronica: You should really do that anyway.

---

Jackie: You didn't ask how high.

Wallace: What?

Jackie: Didn't Goldilocks say "jump?"

Wallace: It is not even like that.

Jackie: What's it like?

Wallace: We're friends, Jackie. If she needs me, I'm gonna come through, just like she would for me.

Jackie: Right. I guess you have different rules here. Where I'm from, the girl who you make out with is the one you do favors for. I may have to have a chat with Miss Pixie Stick.

Wallace: I wouldn't do that. She's not somebody you want to piss off.

Jackie: Neither am I.

---

Wallace: Do you own those clothes or did you just make a stop at Dirty Co-Eds 'R' Us?

---

Veronica: Somebody's a big movie buff, I see. Quick, favorite movie of all time. Don't think about it, just answer.

Collin: Oh, I don't know. That's...that's a hard one. This really isn't my place, actually, I'm just housesitting for my friend.

Veronica: Your friend a big Nicolas Cage fan?

Collin: My friend is Nic Cage.

Veronica: Really? Nic Cage. That's hot.

---

Wallace: Uh, hi. Would you like to help the hungry...starving children of...the world?

Collin: I'm sorry, are you selling something?

Wallace: Yes! I am. I'm selling, um...pens and...candy.

Collin: I'll take a couple of boxes of candy.

Wallace: All I got is this box of Ay, Chihuahuas.

Collin: That box is open.

Wallace: You want a couple pens?

---

Veronica: Have you had dinner?

Duncan: Nah, I'm tired of room service.

Veronica: Then may I suggest dim sum...and then some?

---

Duncan: What if we start the evening with "and then some" and work our way back to the dim sum?

Veronica: It's officially under consideration. Can I ask you something first?

Duncan: Yes to costumes, no to props. Does that cover it?

---

Veronica: Oh, sorry, should I hide in the bedroom like a hooker? Perfect!

---

Lizzie: I don't have the password, but we have to get her personal stuff off this computer and put it back by morning.

Duncan: Okay, so...what do you want me to do?

Lizzie: You're the son of a computer visionary. Can't you do something?

Duncan: I can burn a CD?

---

Veronica: Hi, Lizzie. ...Okay, so apparently looks really can't kill. --- Mac: I have to say, it is a little comforting. I haven't snuck out of my house at 3 a.m. in a while. Nice to know I still have the chops. --- Veronica Voiceover: Are you crazy, Duncan? Leaving this out here in the open? Do you leave heroin out when Iggy Pop spends the night?  --- Keith: Here. Can you file this under cases I don't have time for that my disobedient daughter can take behind my back? Veronica: I'm really sorry. Keith: For what? Taking the case, or getting caught? Veronica: Okay, for both. I just thought it was crazy to pass up that amount of money, and I thought I could handle it. Keith: You always think you can handle it, Veronica! Believe it or not, at eighteen you can't handle everything. And you don't get away with it all, either. Veronica: I know. Keith: Whether it's playing I Spy after school or staying out all night at your boyfriend's hotel room. You're just not quite as clever as you think you are.  ---

Veronica: Can I guess? You got a sweet love hangover and you don't need no cure.

---

Mr. Wu: As you know, Homecoming season is upon us.

Veronica: Much like the plague.

---

Corny: I'd like to nominate Veronica Mars!

Ashley Banks: Like, ironically?

Corny: Yeah, she's badass, smokin' hot, and overall nice to come home to.

Logan: Hm, Zippy the Pinhead with a smashing idea.

Ashley Banks: My ass'd make a better Homecoming Queen.

Mandy: We should nominate Veronica. She deserves it. Remember when she helped me find my dog? She was totally nice to me even though we barely knew each other. Plus, she found Polly the parrot last year.

Logan: Veronica Mars: saving the world, one pointless act at a time.

---

Veronica: You are aware that "blanketing the electorate" is like a figure of speech? ...What's that smell?

Keith: A buddy of mine in sanitation called. One of his crews found those in a dumpster downtown.

Veronica: At least Lamb has the sense not to use the dumpster behind the sheriff's department.

---

Keith: Ahhh, look, Veronica, your father's campaign is riding on a gravy train with biscuit wheels. Woody's numbers guys just called to say I've got a twelve-point lead. I don't need to roll around in the mud with Lamb.

Veronica: In that case, it sounds like you don't need a photographer from the Neptune Navigator who knows how to shoot your good side?

Keith: I got nothing but good sides, baby.

---

Madame Sophie: Your grandma wants me to remind you that you're a risk taker, with an...if-it-feels-good-do-it approach to love. You're, uh, supercharged, you're wired, you're ready for action.

Jackie: That lady oughta know — she was married four times.

---

Veronica: Lip balm? It's a surge of lip-quenching fruit flavor.

---

Wallace: How many kneecaps did you break to make that happen?

Veronica: Only like four. The people have spoken, my friend.

---

Logan: There's always Winter Carnival. (gasp) Veronica can be a Ice Princess!

Jackie: Can we skate on her?

---

Duncan: So I was thinking. You're an emancipated minor. I'm an emancipated minor. Maybe we should get together Thursday night. Chug cough syrup, mug some old ladies.

Logan: Oh, golly, I don't know. I was thinking about staying home, making a hope quilt for the lonely.

---

Veronica: It's weird that you live here. I don't want you going all Howard Hughes-y on me.

Duncan: I am not a shut-in. These nails? Neatly trimmed. Though, now that you mention it, I have started bottling my own urine.

Veronica: Ew.

---

Duncan: Hey, what do you say we invite some people over here for an afterparty?

Veronica: Afterparty? After what?

Duncan: The Homecoming dance? The thing after the big game?

Veronica: Oh. Tell me more of this thing you call "Homecoming."

Duncan: I haven't asked you yet. I'm such a dope. Of course I want you to go with me. You're my woman.

Veronica: See? Was that so hard? Okay, I'll be needing an orchid wristlet, preferably in the fuchsia family, a Rolls Royce limo...and some Kane Software stationery.

Duncan: Seriously? Stationery? What for?

Veronica: You're here for your looks. Why don't you leave the heavy thinking to me, sugarpants. Now go make yourself pretty.

---

Duncan: You sure you want to do this?

Logan: Does a bear wear a funny hat?

Duncan: You know this visit's all about mending fences, building bridges, and I'm afraid that my waxing your ass just isn't going to help.

Logan: Woo hoo. You talk it; let's see you walk it.

---

Veronica: Chesty LaRue. Hey, Duncan. I'm fine, I'm slathering up my boobs as we speak.

---

Wallace: You okay, Veronica?

Veronica: Compared to how your girlfriend's gonna be feeling, fan-friggin'-tastic. I hope she really got a kick out of tonight's little performance.

Wallace: What are you talking about? She was worried for you.

Veronica: If by "worried" you mean "enjoying the fruits of her evil labor," yeah.

---

Keith: Tell Wallace I'm pulling for him.

Duncan: Hm. Not feeling the Mars family love. Tough crowd.

Veronica: Oh, come on. It's like rootin' for the Yankees.

Rat Saw God

Cliff: You're out of cocktail weenies, and I'm out of cocktail.

Veronica: We're out of gin.

Cliff: I'm not particular.

News Anchor: And our latest results now show Don Lamb nosing ahead by a percent.

Cliff: Whatever it is, make it a double.

---

Dick: Dude. My stepmom?

Logan: I'm a total piece of crap.

Dick: Better you than the cable guy, I guess. And I'd be lying to say if I never perved on your mom while she was prancin' around the pool in that hardly-there bikini of hers.

Logan: Great. So, no hard feelings?

Dick: No, she gave me a few.

---

Keith: Honey, it's over. Go on to your boyfriend's party. I've got Cliff to keep me company, right Cliff?

Cliff: Right. I promise to hold his hair back if he has to make sick in the toilet.

---

Veronica: Congrats on your old man. Guess that makes you, like, Neptune's First Daughter. Are you ready for all the parade waving and ribbon cutting?

Gia: I thought I'd go more Bush twin style. You know, public drunkenness, sluttiness, minor scandals. Speaking of which, what do you think about Dick?

Veronica: Uh...Casablancas, I presume. Um, well, what can I say? Dick is just...Dick.

---

Officer: Number four, step forward!

Logan: Oh, wow, I'm stunned. You like me! You really like me! Well first, I'd just like to say the other, uh, nominees are all such wonderfully gifted criminals. And I wanna thank my agent, and my publicist, for always shooting me from the left side.

---

Mike: Well, one night we're at this club, right, one of these places that drop this foam crap on you at midnight. So we're there, we're hangin' out, they drop the foam, and...that was the last I saw of her.

Veronica: Did you check under the foam?

Mike: I had to call my parents to fly me home. It basically kind of sucked.

Veronica: Well, at least you got to go to Europe.

Mike: And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

---

Logan: So, my tax dollars at work. Where were you, getting thirds at the Crazy Girls lunch buffet?

Cliff: Actually, they discontinued the buffet. Some health code thing. Okay, my name is Cliff, I'll be your if-you-cannot-afford-an-attorney attorney. So. What are you trying to prove?

Logan: Um...my innocence?

---

Veronica: Cliff, come on, you owe me.

Cliff: I owe you? Who unconfiscated all your fake college IDs?

Veronica: Who got the Lincoln out of your ex's name?

Cliff: Well, who helped put that lien against Lee's Walk-In Donut?

Veronica: And who proved that stripper was color-blind?

Cliff: Okay, who am I calling and what am I giving them?

---

Cliff: Hello? My...my daughter's disappeared. She left her husband and ran off with some wild girlfriend, I think they got into some kind of trouble but I'm sure it's not her fault. Uh, the police said they were headed to Mexico, but no one's seen them. I just need to know if she's okay. Please, could you tell me if she's used her card?

Operator: Uh, what's the number, sir?

Cliff: Uh, oh-nine-two-two-three-three-four-six.

Logan: Isn't that Thelma and Louise?

---

Aaron: Look, Logan...I made a unforgivable mistake, but I am not a murderer.

Logan: Ohhh! So you merely plowed my girlfriend and taped it for your home collection.

---

Logan: They gave me a lawyer.

Aaron: A real lawyer, not some public servant with a mail-order diploma and a three hundred dollar suit.

Cliff: Two for five hundred, actually, but your point remains valid.

---

Veronica: This is it? I would've thought that helping your billionaire boss cover up his daughter's murder woulda snagged you a better office. Or at least a plaque.

---

Dick: If you drink it, you get a shirt.

Duncan: Why do I want a Señor Shrimp shirt?

Dick: It's a shrimp and he's saying "Eat me." It's awesome, we gotta go.

Weevil: Yeah, bro, make sure you bring cigarettes and toilet paper, 'kay? You're talkin' about visiting your buddy Logan in jail, right?

Dick: Uh, we were talkin' about Señor Shrimp.

Weevil: Well, you might wanna drop in anyway, 'cause now they got a witness to your boy killin' Felix and they're gonna hold him. Jail can be scary place for such a...sensitive boy.

Dick: Wait...did I miss a state proposition or something? Is it now a crime to kill a Mexican?

 ---

Duncan: So which is a better place: Chasers or Señor Shrimp?

Veronica: For what? Watching sorority girls stumble?

---

Logan: The best thing about two days in jail? Two days' worth of Ellen on the TiVo. That's sweet viewing.

---

Lamb: That's gonna mess up your TiVo.

---

Douglas: Okay, uh, that's a LeSabre.

Veronica: What did they call that awesome colour? It was...

Douglas: White? That's called white.

Veronica: Yup.

Douglas: Yeah. That particular car is rented right now, but I can get you a Regal with moonroof in teal for two-fifty a week, not including tax and liability, which'd be a great way to go and see Stain.

Veronica: Duh. Stain-duh. Gosh, that is more than I thought. Um, you wouldn't happen to have anything more like...forty?

Douglas: No.

Veronica: Oh.

---

Veronica: You have to help me.

Stacy: What's the problem?

Veronica: Well, to begin with, my colleague is an unbearable Nazi who couldn't find his own ass with a mirror and a miner's hat.

---

Veronica: Actually, there's no "o" in "naughty."

Manager: It's "knotty" with a "k" like in pine. I-i-it's research.

Veronica: Knotty schoolgirls. What will they think of next?

Manager: You want a room? It's thirty bucks a night.

Veronica: Actually, I'm looking for someone.

Manager: Well if it's me, congratulations. Otherwise, unless you get lucky at the Gas-N-Sip, your options are pretty limited around here.

---

Manager: So, you did find someone at the Gas-N-Sip. And now you need a room.

Veronica: Was anyone else in here two nights ago, did you see anyone with her?

Manager: Why? Is he missin' a friend too?

Wiedman: Answer the question or I'll break all your fingers.

---

Keith: I'm here because of my daughter.

Aaron: Now that's funny: so am I.

---

Aaron: So did you come here today to thank me, Keith? You know, for your fifteen minutes? 'Cause if it wasn't for me, no one would have bought that hack book of yours. Uh...I guess you didn't come to thank me. Maybe, maybe you just came here to gloat, hm? No, that doesn't seem like you much either. Why did you come here?

Keith: Former employee shows up dead, sabotaged school bus goes over a cliff, and I start to worry about Veronica's safety.

Aaron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. You think I had something to do with the crash? Hoo. Hoo hoo, you are priceless, Keith! You know, did they give you enough press, you'd find a way to put me on the grassy knoll.

Keith: Truth is, I don't care if you're behind the crash or not. I just want you to know that if anything happens to my daughter in say, the next seventy, eighty years? You're the one who's gonna pay for it.

Aaron: Now, did you come all the way out here just to give me that tough guy speech?

Keith: No, I came all the way out here to show how easily I can get to you. So just...file that away.

---

Veronica: Wow. Where'd you learn that interrogation technique?

Wiedman: Harvard. That's a pretty convincing hysterical routine you got. Where'd you learn that?

Veronica: Watching cheerleading tryout results.

---

Weevil: What the hell is this?

Logan: Hm. Esta. Una. What is their word for "paper"?

Dick: Uh, pay-pair-o.

Logan: Okay, I'll translate, just don't tell the ESL teacher I helped you cheat. That's an eviction notice.

Weevil: You bought my grandmother's house?

Logan: That's right. Su casa is mi casa. But in my defense, Weevil, I do need a new one. You might have heard my former domicile was, uh, burned quite unexpectedly.

Weevil: If you kick my family out—

Logan: Oh, have it your way, we'll all live together in one big wacky sitcom family. On second thought, I'm kicking you out. And on third thought, I wouldn't live in that roach motel if you put a gun to my—

---

Coach: School is not the place for this kind of thing.

Logan: You hear that? School is a place of learning.

Weevil: Yeah, you might want to think what prison is a place of.

---

Veronica: He's a diplomat's son, Clarence. He'll be extradited to Argentina.

Wiedman: That depends on what happens at the casino.

Veronica: What are you gonna do?

Wiedman: You know the drill, Veronica: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

---

Veronica Voiceover: At least, at the end of the day, I get to curl up with my adorable, honest boyfriend.

Logan: It's the sweater, isn't it? Chicks can't resist argyle.

Veronica: Please let go of me.

Logan: Ever the tease.

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner

Duncan: Veronica. You need to stop being The Dude.

Veronica: Stoner bowler doesn't do it for you?

Duncan: A little. Only because I like the way your lips pout when you do guy voice.

Veronica: These lips? I've had 'em for years, I can't do a thing with 'em.

---

Logan: Seriously, though: I was reading Third Wheel: A Beginner's Guide, and we should come up with, like, some kind of code word for when you guys are feeling frisky and, uh, don't want to be disturbed.

Veronica: Like "scram"?

Logan: I was thinking "awkward." But scram's good. Or "amscray."

---

Logan: You're not my grilled cheese.

---

Kendall: iPod girl with the waxy-eared boyfriend. Small world.

Veronica: Like this big.

---

Duncan: Weren't we doin' something?

Veronica: We were making out on the couch, and then that happened. Dick and Beav's stepmom just came over to have a go-around with your bunkmate. How does that not bother you?

Duncan: 'Cause I'm a guy?

---

Duncan: What? She's hot. Like that's news.

Veronica: Well ass-slaps and high fives to Logan for bangin' a hot chick. Maybe she'll buy us beer.

Duncan: I'd ask her, but I think she'll be in there for a while.

---

Mr. Pope: Last week, Miss Mars was, as you kids call it, flush, with Mr. Casablancas breathing down her neck. Well, the worm has turned.

Cassidy: Boo-yeah!

Veronica: Nobody likes an eager beaver.

---

Veronica: Hey, are you sick, or am I gonna see you singing "Twist and Shout" on a parade float? Call me.

---

Logan: Hey, you remember when we, uh, made out against the sink and you had your legs around my waist?

Veronica: Stop, you'll make me blush.

Logan: Honestly, how much easier would your life be if you were indifferent to me?

Veronica: So much, since I'm really struggling. What do you want?

---

Logan: I thought maybe you could do a little sleuthing for old times' sake.

Veronica: Really? Could I?

---

Duncan: So basically, he's between seven and ten and his parents are psycho. That'll narrow it down.

---

Duncan: I think they call it a part-time job. It's when you do this thing called work, and strangers pay you instead of the Allowance Fairy.

Veronica: Ah, the Allowance Fairy. Elusive in Neptune outside the 09er zip.

---

Veronica: Well, the Goodmans don't need a babysitter now that Gia's back, and the others I'll just have to convince to trust me with their children long enough for me to get a writing sample.

Duncan: To compare to the book that Meg stole.

Veronica: Yeah.

Duncan: After we break into Meg's house.

Veronica: Pretty much.

---

Ms. Hauser: STDs will kill you.

Jane: Ah-choo!

Ms. Hauser: Sexually transmitted diseases are no joke, Jane.

Jane: I wasn't laughing, I sneezed.

Ms. Hauser: See how much you're sneezing when you have gonorrhea!

---

Ms. Hauser: All right, people, pair up. You each have a piece of paper with an STD on it. You have to inform your partner that you have said STD.

Veronica: All right, Gia, we can be partners, but: no glove, no love.

---

Gia: Mrs. Hauser, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?

Ms. Hauser: No, Gia, chlamydia is not a flower.

Gia: Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.

Veronica: Your trellis is a whore.

---

Veronica Voiceover: A ten year-old boy who voluntarily washes his hands, who enjoys quiet time, and does what he's told with a smile. If he doesn't pick his nose soon, I'm looking for wires.

---

Veronica: Your 9-1-1 caller, a.k.a. Tom Griffith, is Doctor Tom Griffith. He is a very expensive, well-respected plastic surgeon.

Logan: I don't believe it. There are no respected plastic surgeons.

---

Logan: That's not the guy from the bridge.

Veronica: What are you talking about? You told the police you couldn't identify the guy, you said the whole night was a blur.

Logan: I lied.

Veronica: 'Course you did.

---

 Veronica Voiceover: Wallace, Wallace, Wallace. Wherefore art thou? I know that quote doesn't really work, but you get the point. Things that have changed in the nineteen hours since my last e-mail: I've grown four inches, changed my name to London, and have discovered that apparently I'm not the only love of Duncan's life. You really need to start answering my e-mails. This is a little too Doogie Howser's journal for me.

---

Betina: When's the last time you had a lunch like this? Dick: When I was a Brady. --- Veronica: No bark? Is it your day off? --- Logan's Answering Machine: It's Logan. "Life's tragedy is that we grow old too soon and wise too late." Ben Frankin. Veronica: The good news is, I'm perfect the way I am. The bad, your plastic surgeon is a mensch. --- Gia: You brought your sleeping bag, that's so cute! Veronica: Well, I like to have the option. Don't judge me for my Ninja Turtles. --- Veronica: Whoa, somebody likes their label maker. Gia: Yeah, at least we know where to find everything. Veronica Voiceover: Yes, like the anal psychos are located right about...here. Great. They kill their guests and steal their shoes. [Sound of laughter] Veronica Voiceover: Please tell me they kill their guests. --- Gia: I have a surprise for you. Don't peek! Veronica Voiceover: My spidey-sense is tingling. Something bad is happening. Gia: It's a girls' night! --- Kendall: That was perfect, baby. Oh, it feels so good to be with you, I just want to be with you all the time. Logan: Uh, bit of advice: when looking for a sugar daddy, at least pick the richest guy in the hotel suite. ...I'm sorry. Did that hurt your feeling? Kendall: I can't believe you just said that to me. Doesn't this mean anything to you? Logan: It does. It means I'm getting laid. And I owe your village a goat. --- Kendall: You know, you can joke all you want. I know we have a connection, Logan. You know, it may have just started off as sex, but over these past few months it's grown into something more. Logan: Wow. So, your feelings have grown as your available balance has shrunk. It's like science! One of the problems of sleeping with your stepson's friend: information tends to leak. --- Kendall: I don't know if you've noticed, but you have a pretty good situation for yourself here. Logan: Yeah. Kendall: You wanna go back to playing grab-ass with cheerleaders that have just mastered missionary? See ya. You want things to keep going the way they've been going, I'm gonna need a few things. Logan: I'm sorry, "see ya" was option A? Bessie: when the milk stops being free, I stop drinking it. Kendall: Then what am I supposed to do? Logan: Frankly, my dear...you know the rest. --- Madison: You should put a tattoo right here so people will have something to look at. Girls: Oooooh. Veronica: Ah hah. So Gia, how are things with you and Dick? Madison: Dick? Like, my Dick? --- Dick: We came here for the panty raid! Girl: Oh, God. Dick: We're stayin' for Spin the Bottle! Girl: Woo! Girl: Yeah! Veronica: I'm outta here. --- Keith: When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trenchcoat over my pajamas and come pick you up. Veronica: Sorry, I drive now. And I'm not nine. Keith: You'll always be nine to me. Going on thirty. --- Veronica: Whoa. You two need to be alone? Keith: I know we had the smoking talk somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving. Veronica: Actually, I think it was more of a sentence—"Don't smoke"—and it was between the adventures of Pooh and Goodnight Moon. Keith: 'Splain. --- Veronica: No ski mask? Duncan: You said wear dark colors. Veronica: We're not breaking into a bank vault in a James Bond movie. --- Logan: Poetry reading? --- Veronica: People suck. --- Mr. Manning: What are you doing? You can't do that. I'm the victim here. You have no right to just come into my house and start poking around. Lamb: It's funny: I heard my father give that exact speech once. Ahoy, Mateys! Meg: What does she have? What does she have that I ha— Veronica: Well, I'm conscious. And that's just for starters. --- Veronica: All I'm saying is, I followed him into the cigar shop, he bought some cigars, and he left. Logan: Didn't your dad say the cigar store is a front for drug dealers, I mean, that's gotta be something. Veronica: Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store. Logan: I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at twenty to life. Veronica: Oh, you're being a jackass. Must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favor. Logan: You find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar. --- Veronica: Did Duncan go to bed? Logan: Yes. And he wanted me to tell you to give me your undivided attention. Pretend for a moment that your dog's life is at stake. --- Veronica: Uh-uh, you're staying here. This takes a certain subtlety. But if I need anyone punched in the face, I'll whistle for you. --- Logan: Hey! I've got 9-1-1 on the line, who can give me the address here? No one? Yeah, I've got one of those ankle monitors on, does that help? Yeah. The River Stix. There's blood everywhere. --- Keith: I'm sure those school administrators are a sinister and venal bunch, honey, but in my experience, most crime is personal. Not these, these weird conspiracies. Veronica: Well, in my experience, that is exactly what they want you to think. --- Keith: What? This is the third time I called this week. I sent the damn thing back to you guys two weeks ago! Look, I told the first person my name. Don't you talk to each other? You've got the serial number, you've got everything on those damn databanks! It's on the computer screen right in front of your face! It says WHAT? Oh. Sorry, my fault. Bye. Veronica: Why must you make the tech support people cry? --- Marcos: Ahoy, Mateys! Five-forty on your AM dial. Listen, or walk my enormous plank. Veronica: Oh, I get it. Mac: It's not all crotch-grabbing scatological man-humor. There's a little something for everyone. Veronica: Flatulent sound effects for me? Mac: And bitter tirades for me! --- Veronica: What's this four-week gap here? Mac: Oh, they went on a little sabbatical. Veronica: Do you know why? Mac: I suspect to torture me. Then they came back and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew. So I stopped listening. Veronica: The show's still on? Mac: A bastardized sub-par version of the show's still on. Veronica: Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from? Mac: Yes. ...Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. We can track the signal. Veronica: Wow. I'd be interested to know if you had the capabilities to track said signal. Mac: Look, I'm happy to be the Q to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically-assisted mystery solving? Costs. You wanna play find the crappy radio broadcast, momma's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack. --- Marcos: And here it comes, Imitation Crab. Crab: Arrr! Marcos: The winner of this week's cock...of the walk countdown. Crab: Don't leave 'em hanging, Cap'n. Marcos: It's Logan Echolls! That's forty weeks running. Rosemary's baby: the teen years. If I was his mother, I'd kill myself too. --- Marcos: Duncan Kane. He can't be that rich and that pleasant without harbouring a dark secret. What do you think, Crab? Serial murderer? Puppy strangler? Veronica Voiceover: Girlfriend ignorer? --- Logan: Any news on Nip/Schmuck? Veronica: It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favorite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks. Logan: Well, as far as I know I've done nothing to get their Irish up. --- Logan: If you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want a bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell. Veronica: If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable. Logan: Help me, Mars-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. --- Veronica: I'm feeling the calculating stare, but where's the villainous hand-wringing and maniacal laugh? Weevil: You know, you should be nicer to me. Veronica: Or you'll huff, and puff, and burn my house down? --- Veronica: Wait, what if nerd hunters drive by and tranq and tag me? Mac: That's a risk I'm willing to take. --- Veronica: Excellent work as usual, Q. Mac: Right back at you, Mr. Bond. You've got a plan, right? Veronica: Ish. --- Mac: Um, Butters, you're blankie's blinking. --- Veronica: Well, did you ask him why? Vincent: Yeah. We got together for hot cocoa and cinnamon toast and talked all about his feelings. Mac: Oh! Like girls! --- Veronica Voiceover: Camp SelfQuest. Not to be mistaken for the elf-hunting camp of a similar name. --- Veronica: Fish sticks and chocolate milk, yuck. That can't be good for you. Vincent: Can you graduate already? --- Vincent: Marcos wasn't gay. Veronica: Sure about that? Vincent: Positive. He talked about chicks all the time. I mean, he wasn't a fairy, he was a playboy lovin' booty hound. Veronica: Do me a favor: never describe me. My Mother The Fiend Ms. Hauser: Since you all had such a raucous good time with venereal diseases, I'm sure you'll be thrilled with phase two of Sex Ed. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to parenthood. Veronica: So that's where babies come from. --- Ms. Hauser: Now, find a partner, pick a baby. Veronica: Oh. Aren't we supposed to have a shot of tequila first? --- Veronica: I don't see any cameras here. There's no way you can prove that I broke in. Clemmons: How else could you have gotten your hands on the drug testing results? Veronica: The faked drug test results? Lemme walk you through it. Usually, when I save your butt, I start by — Clemmons: What else have you stolen from my school? I can't imagine that all these keys belong to your property. For instance, what's this one for? Veronica: That one? Let's see...that one opens a Duraguard file safe manufactured prior to 1990. Clemmons: And, uh, this one? Veronica: Fits any Vespa scooter. What? I like to come prepared. --- Clemmons: This is going to take you a very long time if you plan to read each individually. Veronica: I was just — Clemmons: Snooping through school property. Isn't that what landed you here in detention? --- Veronica: Ever hear of genetics, kid? Thanks to your grandma, I've got a 50-50 shot of becoming an alkie. Guess that makes your odds 1 in 4, which isn't so bad. Oh, and there's also this latent mean girl gene. You're lucky you're made out of plastic. --- Veronica: Well there you go, kid. Here's life lesson number one: what goes around, comes around. --- Veronica: You've been working here for, what, like, ever? Any idea what my mom did her senior year to get herself suspended? Clemmons: Let me get this straight: you want follow-up on what I explicitly forbade you from doing yesterday? Veronica: Ummm...yes. Clemmons: More alphabetizing, less cold-casing. --- Veronica: Principal Moorehead? Moorehead: Veronica. I see that Mr. Clemmons is failing in his prime directive. Veronica: What's that? Moorehead: Keeping you out of my face. --- Trina: And you look fantastic! That look is so great. J'adore. So how've you been? I mean, aside from that whole mess with Dad and all. Veronica: What, that? It's water under the bridge. Trina: Great! I've really been meaning to call you. There has been some super-exciting news with the project. Three words: Evan. Rachel. Wood. Veronica: Okay. Trina: She's gonna play you in The Aaron Echolls Story! Name change, since you and your dad won't sign the release forms. It's such a great part! It was all over the trades, you didn't see it? Veronica: I...don't know how I missed it. --- Trina: You! Should audition for the play! Oh, you can audition using anything. Frankly, we need some pretty girls. Veronica: Yeah. Thanks anyway, I can't act. Trina: Oh, acting's overrated. You've got presence, sweetie. Listen, we'll catch up later. Right now, my company needs me. The play is my master and I am its whore! --- Kendall: Someone request turn-on service? Duncan: I'm pretty sure it's called turn-down service. Kendall: Oh. Well, who would want that? --- Kendall: Let me take you for a ride. Duncan: A ride. Kendall: Big D's Maserati's downstairs. You gotta check it out — you would look so hot in it. Duncan: Can't I just be loved for me? Kendall: The Maserati retails for a hundred and fifty grand, but I'll let you have her for half that. You do know how to drive stick, don't you? Duncan: Actually... Kendall: Don't worry, I'll teach you. The fun way. We don't even have to leave the couch. --- Kendall: Do they, like, chemically castrate you boys over at that school? You don't need Sex Ed; I am Sex Ed. --- Kendall: Hi, baby! What took you so long? Logan: Mm. Well, if I had known you were throwing yourself at my roommate, I'd have raced home. Kendall: I brought a surprise for you. I figured you and Duncan could try it. Maybe if you boys play nice, you could share. Or take turns or something. Logan: Duncan's not into that sort of thing, pumpkin. --- Veronica: Sorry I'm late. Keith: Almost started without you. You'd've missed out on my chili surprise. Veronica: You made chili? Keith: Surprise. --- Trina: Wait a minute. Are you, like, sleeping with my little brother? What is he, thirteen? Kendall: Thirteen? He wishes. So, is this your much older sister I've heard nothing about? Logan: Oh yes, where are my manners? Kendall Casablancas, Trina Echolls. Rode hard, meet put away wet. Trina: I'm guessing she's the wet one. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got places to be. Kendall: Where? Is there a club where you, Dedee Pfeiffer, Joey Travolta, and Melissa Rivers all meet for drinks? Trina: There is. I don't think you'd like it, it's twenty-one and over. We're hitting an after party at Chuck E. Cheese, though, if you're free. 'Kay, well, I need him in bed by ten p.m. sharp. He's got school tomorrow. 'Night, all. Logan: Well, the joke's on her: she came over to borrow my video camera. The girl does love a good exit line. --- Kendall: Gee, Cassidy. I didn't think you liked me. Cassidy: I don't. But I find value in your desperation. --- Keith: If she didn't split Jake and your Mom up, well...you wouldn't have me. And that means you wouldn't be you, Veronica. Veronica: And that would be bad, right? Keith: Right. So try to keep that in mind when I tell you this. A Jane Doe baby was delivered to the Balboa County Hospital on May 8th, 1980. Veronica: That's weird. Keith: Gets weirder. They found the baby in the girl's bathroom during the Neptune High School Prom. Veronica: Celeste. Keith: You don't actually listen when I talk, do you? --- Veronica: You're it! --- Duncan: Hey, now, you're not about to badmouth Celeste, are you? Veronica: Heavens, no. I mean, what could I say about that...saint? She is a warm-hearted, good-humoured, lovely woman of high breeding and impeccable social grace. Celeste: Why, thank you, Veronica. --- Celeste: What is she doing here? Veronica: "She" meaning me? I guess I'm here as Duncan's secret girlfriend. Oh! And we have a love child. Wanna hold her? She's snuggly. Celeste: I'll pass. --- Celeste: I told your father something like this would happen. This is exactly why we should have taken you up to Napa. Veronica: Not in front of the baby! Celeste: This isn't amusing, Veronica. Veronica: It's not. Me, breeding with a Kane? No laughing matter. But look: no one has to know, right? Worst case scenario, things don't work out, I'll just dump her off at the big dance. It worked at your prom, didn't it? Celeste: Does she ever make sense, Duncan? Veronica: Does she ever thaw out, Duncan? Celeste: When I look at your face, all I see is your drunk slut of a mother. Duncan: MOM! Celeste: Look, Duncan, she can't just— Duncan: Veronica, I need a moment alone with my mom. Veronica: Sure. We'll be in the bedroom. You don't mind your dirty laundry mixing with your clean laundry, do you? --- Weevil: I thought you killed Felix! Logan: I didn't. Weevil: Yeah. I pretty much know that now. Logan: Oh, are you waiting for the music to swell before you start the apology? Weevil: We have something in common now: we both need to find out who killed Felix. Logan: So what, we team up? Get matching capes, I ride shotgun in a sidecar? Weevil: Somethin' like that, but not yet. You see, I can't let you leave here lookin' the way you did when you walked in. Not if I don't want to end up some bald guy with tattoos who rides the school bus. --- Mac: Phoenix Land Trust, Inc. Cassidy Casablancas, CEO. Cassidy: Nice. I would totally trust this company with my money. Mac: And it'll work wonders with the ladies. Chicks dig scars and acronyms. Cassidy: Good to know. Mac: I'm a giver of info. Cassidy: Yeah, well, as much as I'd like to impress the ladies with my title, I actually need the CEO to be listed as Kendall Casablancas. Mac: Pay me in cash, I ask no questions. Just...tip me off when you're going public. Cassidy: You know, I think that might be illegal. Mac: Still. You're admiring my moxie, aren't ya? Cassidy: Somethin' like that. --- Veronica: Trina, I was lying. That whole bit about wanting to try out for the play, a lie. The truth is, as a baby, you were left in a Neptune High girl's bathroom on prom night twenty-five years ago. Trina: No way. Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere, right? Ashton, come out! You can't get me that easy. Veronica: Trina, I'm dead serious. Trina: Okay. If you're joking, you really can act. You're a natural. --- Veronica: Um...I was gonna use this audition tape to smoke her out. Shame her. I was gonna send the video to all the tabloids. Trina: You're a rascal, Veronica Mars. Veronica: Am I? I was thinking I was something else less flattering. Trina: You know, if we hurry, that tape can make tonight's Entertainment News. Oh, it's the least Big Pat can do for me after leaving all those pervy messages on my voicemail. --- Trina: Look, it's lunchlady Doris. Doris was so nice to me when I went here. Used to always give me extra cake. Veronica: Actually, her name is Mary. Trina: Really. I guess I just decided to call her Doris. --- Trina: Hey, pops. Hope I'm interrupting. Moorehead: Trina! Glad to see you're feeling better, I'd heard that you were— Trina: At death's door? And when exactly were you planning to hook me up with a little bone marrow? Moorehead: Perhaps we should take this outside. Trina: Oh, come on, Dad. It's the least you can do for your daughter, after dumping me in the john on prom night. --- Keith: Hey. You grab dinner yet? Veronica: Funny you should ask. I'm not actually that hungry. I was scrounging through the old fridge for a little study snack and I'm not normally a corn dog type of girl, but this is gonna put me off them forever. Are you keeping a dead rat in our freezer, or do we have a slam-dunk lawsuit against the processed food industry? --- Veronica: You sly old dog. Clemmons: Your sentence is up, Veronica. Unless you're here to atone for something I don't yet know about. Veronica: Deducing I had a key to your office, now that was clever. Obviously you had to find a way to stick me in detention. That way, you could be sure I'd find my way into my mom's permanent file. Clemmons: What are you going on about? Veronica: You read Machiavelli this summer, didn't you? Oooh. Nice. Not taking credit for it — even more badass. One Angry Veronica Veronica: Duncan, how could you — Duncan: Last spring, before we broke up... Veronica: Okay, stop. I was shown a diagram once, I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me? Duncan: This has nothing to do with us. Veronica: Oh, no! Nothing. Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me. I'm fine with it. --- Dick: Hola, boyos. Hope I'm not spoiling a tender moment here, but I just wanted to make sure you got your vaccinations, because the New Year's bash of the century is just a scant week away. Veronica: Of the century? Does Truman Capote know? Dick: Of the millennium. And Truman who? Duncan: Can't. I've got holidays in Sun Valley with the parents. Dick: Dude, seriously. Snow? Pine trees? Family? That's not holidays. Party boat, crazy Chinese pyro guy. I'm feeling that. Think about it. Oh, and Duncan: if you're not coming 'cause of...tension here, there's a chance an old flame might be there. Duncan: What do you mean? Dick: Didn't you hear? Meg. She woke up. Probably going to be partying in no time, so...I'm just sayin'. --- Duncan: I should go see her. Veronica: Got it covered. My visitor's pass from when I picked up Abel Koontz's stuff. All I need is a colour copier and a laminator and we're in business. Don't worry, I do this for all my boyfriends. Duncan: Veronica... Veronica: I know. I'm amazing. --- Keith: You're late. Veronica: That's the idea. Figured if I snuck in close to the end of the day, the chances of it getting even worse are slim. Keith: So you would not characterize your day as "good." Veronica: More along the lines of..."bad." Keith: And how much would it help if I microwaved you some two-day-old lasagna? Veronica: A...medium amount. Keith: And how much would it help if I went out and got some ice cream, too? Veronica: A...lot? Why would I need that much help? Keith: With my sincere regrets. Chocolate chip mint or butter pecan? Veronica: Oh, crap. Jury duty? Keith: I'll get both. --- Lamb: You know, Keith, you really shoulda done more to push fitness when you were here. Keith: Yeah, I was gonna get to that, but the crime fighting kept getting in the way. --- Keith: So to paraphrase, you're telling me the Neptune Sheriff's Department is a locked-down, squared-away citadel of security? Lamb: That's a little flowery, but you can pretty much catch my drift. I run a tight ship, Keith. Keith: And you look good doin' it. Lamb: That's why they elected me, Keith. Keith: So I'm gonna need unrestricted access to your staff at all times. Lamb: Absolutely. We're here to please. Keith: Well in that case, I'll need personal info for everyone who works here. Personnel files, tax returns, security access levels, email addresses, browser histories, all that. Lamb: No problem, buddy. Just say how high. Keith: Oh, I will. --- Keith: Gotta hand it to you, Sacks. You stay on message like nobody's business. If not for the little perspiration problem, you'd make a great White House press secretary. --- Leo: Don is a fine politician, but as a lawman and administrator? The security around here's a joke. Keith: That's odd. He told me security here was quite impressive. Leo: He thinks so. He locks himself out pretty often. --- Keith: I've been so hung up on Aaron Echolls and all this evidence tampering I never stopped to think what those tapes are worth. Leo: Good celebrity porn is scarce these days. --- Veronica: Oh. Hello. Which one are you? Blinky? Humpty? Zorro? Thumper: The name is Thumper. Not that you really care. Veronica: Oh, I care. Deeply. I guess you heard about our new cranberry walnut crumb cake. It's true: it's cran-tastic. --- Logan: I adore what your designer's done with the men's room. That Hefty bag over the busted urinal adds a delicious wabi-sabi feel. Keith: It's Don's thing. We went more mid-century modern back in my day. --- Keith: Thanks for coming by. I'm guessing by your blithe spirits that you have no idea what's up. Logan: No. But they request my presence here weekly, so... --- Logan: Can you seriously imagine me conspiring to save Daddy dearest? Lilly's killer? Keith: I'm just making sure I have every pertinent bit of information. Logan: I'll tell you what, dude: if I hear anything pertinent, I'll get back at you. Keith: The name's not "dude," it's Mr. Mars. --- Keith: I'm sorry, I was looking for my apartment, but I seem to have stumbled upon some sort of magical winter wonderland instead. Why, perhaps this elf can help me. --- Keith: You know, elf, we might not be the richest family in town, but we can afford normal-sized birds once a year or so. Veronica: Game hens. They were just so cute. Plus this way, we won't have to eat leftovers on New Year's. Keith: Well, that's smart thinking. Come on, what do they taste like? Veronica: I don't know. Dense little turkeys? --- Keith: How's about an early peek at one of your Christmas presents? Veronica: What about our strict Christmas morning-only rule? Keith: This Christmas we make our own rules. Follow me! Veronica: I'm so impressed you fit a pony into my room. --- Keith: For that experience you paid fifty grand? Logan: Yeah, all that matters is that the world wide web won't be hosting mpegs of my old man defiling the love of my life. --- Keith: This is a serious crime. Logan: Yeah? Uh, where's the evidence? Keith: I believe those are the tapes right there. Logan: Yeah, those are blank. Keith: Blank tapes made you cry? Logan: Yeah, I thought I'd saved the Daria marathon on them. Keith: Right. And most people have a tape degausser just hanging around on their coffee table. Well, at least tell me this: how did you manage to buy those tapes for a tenth of their market price? Logan: Why, sir, I've always depended upon the kindness of strangers. --- Captain of Industry: Light the yule log, crank the Manheim Steamroller, it's Christmas! Those boys will appeal, and they'll win. I'll sleep with visions of sugarplums, trusting their fate in a jury that doesn't cow-tow to a high school cheerleader! Veronica: Yay! Let me take this moment to thank you. I learned a lot about civic responsibility. --- Woman: I don't know if you've made plans for college, but I think you'd fit right in at Hearst. Veronica: Stay here, in Neptune? Woman: Well, we won't be moving the university. Veronica: I'd really kinda planned on having my car packed and running during graduation ceremonies, just to kinda beat the rush out of Neptune. --- Keith: It's not always easy doing the right thing. Veronica: If that phrase isn't on the Mars family crest, it should be. --- Keith: What's with the janitorial supplies? Veronica: Oh, just tidying up after a billion or so starlings. They seem to be the official courthouse mascot. --- Veronica Voiceover: New Year's Eve. Someone just needs to change the name to Same Old Year's Eve, because that "New," implying all that hope and promise, it's not fooling anyone. --- Keith: I'm hittin' the bunkhouse. Veronica: But...Dad, you'll miss the ball. Keith: Oh, I saw it the past forty years or so. It, you know, drops. You'll see. --- Veronica Voiceover: Okay, I'm a sucker. I'll give this New Year thing one last chance. Donut Run Logan: Hi, ho. Veronica: What did you say? Logan: Oh, your uniform. Hi-ho, it's off to work you go. Veronica: I guess that makes me Snow White. Logan: You must be on your way up to see Mopey. Veronica: How's he doing, Sleazy? --- Logan: Old Italian ladies don't grieve like this. Boy, he must've really loved Meg. Veronica: Well, then there's that other thing. You know, he can't see his baby. Logan: A baby? How'd that happen? --- Logan: There she goes, the angel of mercy. Time to fake the donut. --- Logan: Lost? Kendall: Oh, quit standing there so smug. Tomorrow you're just gonna call me at two in the morning saying you want some company. For your information, that really doesn't satisfy me, Logan. Logan: Really? You always come. --- Dick: Logan told me what happened. You gotta let it go, Ronnie. Take a deep breath, let it go. If you're gonna date an heir to billions, the occasional afternoon quickie, you gotta let it slide. Cost of doing business, you know? Seriously, girls like Kendall, they let you do things that girls like you...well, let's just say you should be thankful. Vile stuff, you know. Really vile stuff. Veronica: Move, Dick. Dick: Just tryin' to be helpful. --- Wallace: Oh, that's just pathetic. Up! Get up! I came over here to see Veronica Mars. Who's this...emo girl? Veronica: Leave me alone, I'm wallowing. Wallace: Not anymore. We're going out. We gotta go see a movie or get in a barfight or something. Veronica: I don't wanna get in a barfight. Wallace: Tough, 'cause you're goin' if I have to drag you. But, before we do, Veronica: shower. You smell bad. Veronica: You're not helping. You think you're helping, but you're not. --- Wallace: I bleed the gold and green. I'm a Pirate born, a Pirate bred. And when me die... Veronica: A Pirate dead? --- Veronica: If your Chicago high school hadn't their tryouts last year, you'd still be there. Wallace: And if "if"s and "but"s were candy and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas. Veronica: What does that mean? Wallace: No clue. Something my mom says. --- Vinnie: Hey, Veronica! What's the haps? Veronica: Oh, you know. I didn't think there'd be air conditioning, but, other than that, this is pretty much how I pictured Hell. --- Celeste: I find comfort in knowing the child isn't yours. Veronica: Let's hope she's got your smile. --- Dick: Oh, no, honey. Bad set, bad set. Don't make daddy hose you down. Logan: You're not real complicated, are you, Dick? Dick: Try not to be. --- Veronica: Waiting for your girlfriend to make bail? Vinnie: No, no, no. Her shift ends at five. I'm waiting for you, V-dog. Veronica: What for? Vinnie: I thought maybe you'd tell me where you're keeping Duncan, save us all some time, you know, earn some karma points. Veronica: I have no idea where he is, and if I did, you would be the...last person I'd tell. Vinnie: Am I hearing you right? Because you'd tell Osama bin Laden before you'd tell me? Because back in my day, we had a little thing called patriotism. Here, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's a negotiation, right? Okay, let's say I sweeten the pot. Let's make it...five thousand dollars, the karma points are yours to keep, and if you act now, I'll throw in a free set of steak knives. --- Logan: Hey, what's the word? Dick: Well, the one they call Bootsy told me no and went on to suggest I perform sexual intercourse upon my own person. Logan: Hm. Doesn't he understand? If you could do that, you'd never come to school. Dick: Boy, that's the truth. --- Logan: And Hector? Dick: Sold me ten hits of E. Mint? Logan: I gave you enough cash for twenty. Dick: Hey, he gave me the 09er discount. Charged me double. --- Morris: Now, Sheriff, I think we should make it clear right from the get-go that we are here to get that baby back. And we are willing to combine our resources— Lamb: I'll share anything that you need. Morris: —until such time as you piss us off. And when that time comes — and it usually comes quickly in Sleepyburg or World's Biggest Ball of Stringsville or wherever the hell we are this week — when that time comes, we will cut you out like you were a meter maid. You don't get the photo op, and you don't get the fruit basket. So repeat after me: Team. Me. Team. Come on, you can do it. Lamb: Team. Morris: Me. Lamb: Me. Morris: Great. So, why don't you get us up to speed with what you've been doing here? --- Veronica: Is the sheriff around? Officer: He's in with the FBI. You're Veronica Mars, aren't you? Veronica: That's me. Officer: Supposed to keep an eye on you. Veronica: Great. Officer: You ever hit the clubs in L.A., Veronica? Veronica: I'm eighteen. Officer: Yeah, show me a club that'll care. I moonlight over at Club Finn. Veronica: Club Finn? Officer: I'm a bouncer. Veronica: Well, I didn't think you were a cage dancer. --- Lamb: Before we go in there, you should probably know something about Veronica Mars. We need to be careful with this one. She's...slippery. Morris: Sheriff, we have interrogated Al Qaeda members at Gitmo. I think we can handle a teenage girl. --- Veronica: Nick and Jessica. Is nothing sacred? Morris: Whoa, Agent Wills, call for backup. Wills: Just the chopper? Morris: Snipers. --- Veronica: Border patrol? Don't bother. Duncan hates Mexico. Lamb: Is that so? Brer Rabbit --- Lamb: So. The FBI. I've thought about it, you know. But, uh, big fish, small town. Has its perks. Still, who knows, I still might apply. Morris: You go to college? Lamb: For a year. Blew out a knee at Southwest Texas playin' ball. Morris: Speak a foreign language? Lamb: A little Mexican. Enough to get by. Tell 'em to turn their music down. Morris: Any expertise in computer science, law, physics, chemistry, forensics, mathematics? Lamb: Expertise? Morris: Small town, big fish. You know, I'd ride with that. --- Lamb: Duncan bookmarked a boat for sale. We tracked down the seller. Turns out, he sold it last week to a teenage boy who paid cash. Veronica: I assume that's a generous use of the term "we"? Lamb: I got a hundred bucks says he's headin' south. What do you think, Veronica? Wanna put your money where your mouth is? How much does your boyfriend hate Mexico, huh? Veronica: Isn't gambling illegal? Lamb: That's what I thought. --- Veronica: Mornin', Sam. Vinnie: Mornin', Ralph. Fritter? Veronica: You should be out looking for Duncan. Vinnie: Oh! Right. Duncan Kane. Ahaha. Ahhh! I got so swept up in your beauty I almost forgot my assignment. --- Weevil: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Do you remember last year, when you looked down on me like you were so much better? Sean: Yeah. Did you get the impression something has changed? Weevil: Well, yeah. It seems both our families are in the domestic staffing industry. That makes us like family. I steal cars, you sell drugs. Hey, I can hardly tell where you end and I begin. --- Weevil: You know why The Reaper was called that? Logan: He lost a bet? --- Lamb: ¿Usted, lo ha visto? Motel Clerk: No. But you all look alike to me. --- Keith: Sounds like they got you, honey. Well, think of the money we'll save on a prom dress. I'm gonna make a sandwich. Anyone want a sandwich? Morris: You're cool, Mr. Mars. You're very cool. And you got a cool daughter. But kidnapping cases don't go away, you should know that. Keith: Is that a no? --- Vinnie: ¿Necisito un paseo? Duncan: Si. Vinnie: Gas, grass, or ass, kid. Nobody rides for free. Duncan: Thirty grand. Vinnie: Pleasure doing business. Oooh, you pay better than your mom. Rashard and Wallace Go To White Castle Inga: How was your book? Keith: Weird. But I expect it'll start making more sense soon. --- Molly: Where did you get this? Weevil: Apparently he was gonna get you tattooed somewhere on his person. And from your reaction, I'm guessing it wasn't gonna be on his forehead. --- Molly: My uncle's a priest there. Weevil: Liam Fitzpatrick? If that guy's a priest, then I'm Buzz Aldrin. --- Veronica: No, the weasel is this basketball guy. God, I just want him smashed. Wallace: Hey! The paper's from the library. Last thing I need is the librarian turning on me too. Ah, Rashard's cool. It's not like he — Veronica: "Cool"? Um, are we thinking of the same word? Because I don't remember, say, Steve McQueen ever hitting a homeless man in his Hummer and framing someone else for it. --- Wallace: If I could just talk to Rashard alone. We were friends. I'm sure — Veronica: Yeah, he'd say, "Excuse me. You're standing between me and my money." Wallace: Man. Is there anybody you don't think is corrupt deep down? Veronica: Yes. You. And I don't want you suffering for it, because jail? Is no fun. Jackie: What's no fun? Veronica: Um...jail? Jackie: Oh, I thought you were talking about Mr. Wu's game-show quiz. Veronica: No, I was talking about jail. --- Wallace: You know a good lawyer? Veronica: I know...a lawyer. --- Cliff: So, it's called self-surrender. At the negotiated time five days hence, Wallace Fennel will turn himself in to the Neptune Sheriff's Department, who will oversee his transfer to the Chicago police. Wallace: What if I'm not there? Cliff: Then they'll issue a warrant, you'll be arrested, probably found guilty, and end up married to some enormous murderer named Tiny. My advice? Be punctual. Veronica: Or prove your innocence. Cliff: Or that. Suit yourself. --- Wallace: All right. So that's good. Veronica: "Good"? What, in the same way that Rashard is "cool"? Do you know what any words actually mean? --- Wallace: I mean, if I'm cleared in the next five days, I'm back on the team in time for the Pan High game. Veronica: Pan High? How can you even think of the game right now? Wallace: Rival school, biggest game of the year? I can't help it. I'm male. Veronica: Well, here's a message from the females: you're nuts. --- Wallace: Can we get in? Veronica: No. But she says it's not uncommon to find certain...slightly skanky girls lurking outside in hopes of meeting the big recruit and, given that these recruits are teen males, often succeeding. Wallace: That happens. So, you think when I apply to college — Veronica: No. --- Keith: Can you dig up the Murray file? I guess now we need to destroy it. Veronica: What? They reconciled? How? Keith: Mystery of love would be my guess. Veronica: A million-dollar "Sorry I banged the maid" ring would be mine. --- Weevil: You met the Fitzpatrick family? Logan: And found them scrappy but loveable. --- Weevil: Okay, we got a Fitzpatrick priest running the show at a church where all the PCHers go, right? Logan: That's decent thinking for a novice. But aren't priests supposed to be, like, good and stuff? --- Veronica Voiceover: Great. So I'm late, it's super-busy, I missed dinner, and it's "make the karaoke machine want to kill itself" night. And also, it seems, "Veronica, I need a favor night." --- Veronica: And how can I help you, sir? Weevil: I need a favor. Veronica: Ah, a favor. One of our specialties. Weevil: I need you to bug the confessional at St. Mary's Church. Veronica: Um…I'm sorry, that's not on our menu. Maybe you should try "you're crazy" down the street? Logan: It's not just for him. Veronica: Isn't this a very odd coincidence... Or, wait — are you guys, like, roomies now and he ate your peanut butter and now you're not speaking? Logan: Funny you should bring up roomies, as I just lost one. I don't suppose you can help me find where Duncan disappeared? Veronica: Ooh, sorry, one favor per customer. Weevil: Uh, yeah, can we stay focused here? 'Cause if we're seen together by the wrong people, that would be bad… Veronica: So, this is sneaking. I've got a pantomime horse disguise you could use. Do either of you have any experience being a horse's ass? Logan: Yeah, I'm glad my misfortunes amuse you. --- Logan: Look, Veronica, can you just once save my ass without comment? Veronica: No. Because saving your ass with comment, it just...it works better for me. --- Lamb: What did you mean by "it smelled"? Dick: Dude, it smelled like the ass of something that died. Lamb And you can't say what it was? Dick I'm not, like, a professional smellologist. It stank. --- Beaver: You know, Dick, he said that we should get a limo, and I think that was, like, his first good idea ever, so... Lamb: Name Curly mean anything to you? Beaver: Uh, the mechanic? Yeah, yeah, I met him, you know, but, uh, well, my dad, he went to the shop, he usually just took my brother, cars being, you know, man stuff. --- Keith: I had a thought about the rat. Veronica: Hmm…that you could make his lips and feet into hot dogs? I think somebody beat you to that one. Keith: You thought it was a sign, a message to you, you were a rat? What if we were just being too fancy and sophisticated? Veronica: That'd be a first. --- Veronica Voiceover: Confession at St. Mary's is 4 to 6, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, with bugging hours just preceding. Do I feel guilty? Yes. Fortunately, that's what this place was made for. --- Veronica: I'm going to hell. It's that simple. I am going straight to hell. --- Father Patrick: I wasn't always on the up-and-up God-wise myself. But I worked at it. There's a passage, Romans 12:19. "Vengeance is mine. I will repay, sayeth the Lord." Veronica: I see now. I guess I should just probably be a better person. Thanks. --- Wallace: Man, I practically peed myself waiting on you. Where have you been? Veronica: Nowhere. But if God asks, I was with you. --- Wallace: What fraternity did you say this was? Veronica: Alpha Rho something. Wallace: Alpha Rho Nu? A black fraternity. Part of us isn't blending in. Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough Weevil: So, what? Only the kids playing with the scissors and the glue can talk? Ms. Hauser: Your student council is working very hard to raise money for your senior trip. Weevil: Their senior trip. The rest of us want to go to Magic Mountain. Madison: It's Catalina. And you're crazy. I am not spending my senior trip watching you hurl hot dog and orange drink off Batman: The Ride. --- J.B.: Better watch your back, Veronica. Veronica: Because you're going to crush me with hideous fake hills? J.B.: Uh, no, the Kane scholarship. I'm three one-thousandths of a point behind you. Veronica: Oooh. --- Ms. Hauser: What wonderful mountains, Madison! Madison: Thank you, Mrs. Hauser! Veronica: Oh, Madison, you have a little... Madison: What? Brown? Because I'm a brown-noser? Veronica: No. Glitter. Because you're a fairy princess! --- Dick: How lucky am I that I got Terrence Cook to sign that ball for me before he blew up my classmates. It's going to be worth so much more than that napkin O.J. signed for me at The Claim Jumper. --- Cora: Jackie! Jackie, hey! Wait up! Jackie: Sorry. I was distracted by the pitchforks and torches. Cora: So how are you? Jackie: I'm wondering if this counts as my fifteen minutes of fame. And if so, what does the child of an alleged murderer wear to winter carnival? --- Veronica: Slushies! Get your ice cold frozen...sugar water. Logan: You had me at "ice cold." Veronica: What's your poison? Logan: Oh, emotionally unavailable women. Let's see...uh, I want something that suits my mood. Veronica: Oooh, I'm sorry. We're all out of liquid evil. Logan: I'll take two of whatever will turn my tongue blue. Veronica: Hot date? Logan: Raincheck? --- Logan: Oh, the rich. How they mock you. Veronica: There's a fifty dollar bill? Logan: Had them made special --- Logan: The hoi polloi. They don't know what they want until I have it. --- Dick: I am so good at this game, bro. Logan: Shooting in a clown's mouth. Your future's bright, Dick. --- Dick: Dude. Am I drunk? Logan: No, dude, you're just special. Dick: Why is the Beav all snuggly with that chick from Ghost World? --- Jackie: This school genuinely sucks. Veronica: True dat. --- Veronica: It's not a carnival until somebody shows butt cheek. --- Ms. Hauser: In less than three minutes, Veronica Mars has lost all the senior trip money. Veronica: Is that a record? --- Ms. Hauser: Why are we standing here chatting? She should be searched. Veronica: It's a metal box, this big. Where exactly do you think I hid it? --- Madison: You want to save yourself some time? Start with her. We all saw her, lurking around. Jackie: Lurking? Uh, you mean, standing while black? --- Veronica: Nice backpack. You like the Powerpuff Girls, huh? Which one is this? Weevil: She's the one that's not shaped like a metal cash box. --- Terrence: The sheriff is using me as a scapegoat. And if there's anyone fit to take on the sheriff's department, it's you. I read your book, Mr. Mars. I, I couldn't put it down. Keith: Yeah, well, if you read it carefully you might remember the famous guy went to jail in the end of that one. --- Keith: In the spirit of full client/investigator disclosure, I'm not offering you this beer out of the goodness of my heart. Terrence: You're not? Keith: Nope. I'm fufilling a long-time fantasy of sharing a cold one with my favorite ball players. And after we're done, we're gonna play catch in the parking lot. --- Mac: So are we winning? Beaver: What? Mac: I feel like we're in a contest with all the other couples — who can hold hands longest. --- Dick: Wow. You guys are cute. Aren't they? Like gerbils. In love. Cassidy: Dickie, don't. Dick: Chill, Beav. I get to give the big brother speech here. Just lookin' out for you. Mac: You don't have to worry. He's fine. Dick: Yeah? Good hands? 'Cause, you gotta take it easy on my bro. If you're gonna pop his cherry, hold back a little. Cassidy: You're such an ass! Dick: Don't go bustin' out any tricks. Be gentle and sweet. You don't wanna spook him. Like right now, I know his hands are just dripping with sweat, and you are so completely grossed out. But you're hangin' in. I dig that. Oop! See how it just slipped right out? Gotta work on that, bro. --- Hannah: Hey! Logan: Hey. Sorry, did you want that? Hannah: No, I bought it for you. Logan: Oh, you are sweet. --- Hannah: Dude! Logan: Okay! Boy, it sounds so unnatural coming from you. Hannah: I say "dude" all the time. Logan: Nope, I don't buy it. No, you're like, I don't know, like the hot daughter of a king he marries off to get, like, Denmark or something. Hannah: You mean a princess. Logan: You know I'm only ever going to call you princess now. Hannah: No, you're not. Logan: Princess. I am. --- Ms. Hauser: Veronica Mars, you are just trouble. All caps, underlined, written in bold. --- J.B.: Even if you found money, there's really no way of proving that it's the stolen money. Ms. Hauser: Not a lot of people carry twelve grand on them. Dick: Uh, I never leave the house without at least thirteen. Weevil: Yeah. Me either. --- Logan: Look, just so you know, I take all my dates here. I don't want you to think you're special or anything. Hannah: Ah, this isn't a date. Logan: Um, I bought you a drink. And I won you a stuffed animal. Check your dictionary, princess. Hannah: I haven't had a date yet. I'm kind of holding out for something special. Logan: Wow, you are a princess. --- Cassidy: Bambi_Gasm. Mac: Of the Boston Gasms? Cassidy: One would hope. --- Weevil: Whoa, sorry. I can't let you frisk me. She's at an impressionable age. --- Veronica: Great news: you didn't steal the senior trip money. Jackie: Uh, good to know. Veronica: Hey, I'm about to watch Mrs. Hauser squirm in her own personal hell. If you're not doing anything... --- Veronica: Look who I found: Miss Trashy-Trash. We marked your words before, and I don't know if you know this, but they formed this, like, totally false accusation. I know. Yikes. I figured you might welcome the opportunity to apologize. Ms. Hauser: Youdidn'tstealthemoneyI'msorry. Veronica: Totally worth it. --- Veronica: I found this in the copy machine. Ms. Hauser: Where did you get this? This is my exam. Veronica: In. The. Copy. Machine. Am I still speaking English? Jackie: Mm-hm. --- J.B.: She's trying to sabotage me. I am like this close to beating her out for the Kane Scholarship. This is just like the stuff that she does. She planted it. Veronica: And for my next trick! I will take J.B. into the hallway, whisper a few magic words, and when we return, he'll confess. J.B.: Yeah. Yeah, that'll happen. Veronica: Don't oversell it, J.B. People will think you're a mark. --- J.B.: That still doesn't prove... Veronica: I'll bet if we check the copy machine log, it'll tell us that copies were made with Mrs. Hauser's code say...4:03, 4:04 P.M. Should I call them over? J.B.: You're bluffing. The copy machine can't do that. Veronica: Well, here's your choice. You can call my bluff, and we'll all find out exactly what the copy machine can do. Of course, if you choose that option, I'm posting this Tritons photo on your homepage. I've heard what happens to Tritons who reveal their secrets. J.B.: I don't have a homepage. Veronica: You will. --- J.B: I stole the test. Veronica: TA DAAAA! --- Veronica: This isn't a sweater. All right, cash! How'd you know? --- Veronica: Buck up, Maddie. Senior trip is back on, sister, six grand! We're Magic Mountain-bound! Oh, you know there's a ride called the Viper, right? Isn't that, like, your mothership? --- Milf: The bad thing about thigh-highs. Dick: Yeah. There's nothing bad about thigh-highs. Milf: I'm waiting to pick up my daughter. Dick: You mean, your sister. Milf: I mean my stepdaughter. I tend to marry older men, then I mess around with the younger ones. Dick: Nice. Milf: You know, I, I have another half hour to kill. I get the feeling that you're fantastic at killing time. --- Dick: What the hell was that? What is that? Milf: What do you call yours? --- Veronica: Got a funny story for you. I call it "How Weevil got his new car." Weevil: Well, are there pictures? 'Cause I'm a little slow. --- Veronica: So when you rented The Thomas Crown Affair, McQueen, or Brosnan? Weevil: Is it your undying love for me, or just good old-fashioned lust? Veronica: ¿Que? Weevil: That kept you from turning me in. Veronica: Love. Of rollercoasters. And hatred of anything that requires me to tie a sweater over my shoulders and be at sea with my classmates. Versatile Toppings Veronica: Dick, you totally nailed me. Dick: Oh, man, so you're the fingernails chick from my New Year's party. I did nail you. That's funny, I remember you taller and less uppity. Veronica: My car, just now. Dick: Oh, jeez. Maybe we should get the highway patrol down here and take some pictures or something. Gimme a break, I barely even touched your stupid door. Veronica: You left some paint. Look. Dick: That's only like the most valuable thing on your car. --- Terrence: I mean, you said it yourself, if all it took was a phone call to blow up that bus, then anybody could've done it from anywhere. So, why not me? A gambler, a cheater, a deadbeat. Who's gonna— Keith: Stop. You had me at "gambler." --- Keith: You don't remember anything you did in between five and eleven? Terrence: Nope. You got something to say? Keith: You remember nothing? Terrence: Where were you at 7:03 that day? Keith: I suppose I don't know. Terrence: Well maybe you blew up the bus --- Veronica: But why would a mugger want to out sweet little Marlena? Ryan: Because she didn't have the five thousand dollars he demanded from her to stay in. Veronica: Why can't the evil just get jobs like the rest of us? --- Male Student: Hey dude, check it out.  Dick: That. Totally. Rocks. Yeah. Dude, why are lesbians like so pissed-off all the time? Let your freak flag fly, ladies! Veronica: How progressive of you, Dick. Dick: Damn, what is it with you? Do you follow me around for fun, or what? Veronica: Would it help if I started making out with my girlfriend in the hall? Dick: Yeah, obviously. But look, I'll fix your car, whatever. You gotta learn to leave me alone. Veronica: And here I thought we were getting to be pals. Dick: Please. You date Logan, he's nailed for murder. You date Duncan, he's wanted for kidnapping. You get put on Robbie and Hunter's jury, they get sent to Chino. You're like rich dude kryptonite, Veronica. This rich dude wants no part of it. --- Veronica: Hey, Carmen. Heard from our favorite videographer lately? Carmen: He called over Christmas to try to apologize for that whole popsicle thing, like people even remember my scandal anymore. Pleasuring inanimate objects was so 2005. Veronica: Yeah, this year's all about pulling kids out of the closet. --- Veronica: Jorge Zadia was a ringer. His name's on Carmen's list. So are you ready to be the bait, Corny? Corny: Hell, yeah. No one's better. I'm what you'd call a "master bait." --- Veronica: It's a Neptune High gay chatroom. Mac: Veronica, you're not... Veronica: No. I'm just curious. Curious as to what's posted on the website, more accurately. --- Mac: Ryan asked me to beef up their security. Veronica: Yeah? I work for Ryan too now, so if you could just— Mac: So then why wouldn't he have let you on it himself? Veronica: Damn you and your valid questions. Look, it's still private if I only see the usernames, right? Mac: A savvy detective such as yourself might deduce who the Pirate SHIPpers are. Veronica: Mac, the only way I can stop the Marlenas and Kylies of this school from being tormented is if I get on that message board. Mac: All right, stop it. You're embarrassing me --- Veronica: Okay, which one is Monday? Jackie: You laugh, but he pretty much used to have one for every day of the month. Veronica: Our lives are so similar. The Mars family hangar is a spitting image of this one. --- Jackie: My dad told me that you're helping out with his case. That means a lot. Especially since he's already been convicted by half the people in Neptune. Veronica: Well, luckily, it's the half I don't like. So it works out. The Quick and The Wed Keith: Veronica, are you absolutely sure what you saw in that hangar were explosives? Veronica: And detonators. Pretty sure. They were marked "C-4." Maybe Terrence has a legitimate use for them. Keith: Trout fishing? --- Logan: Switch it. Dick: Dude, you kidding? Don't you wanna see how it ends? --- Maggie: The Manns are, like, the oldest money in Neptune. Veronica: You mean like from the '80s? Please tell me they invented the fishnet muscle shirt. --- Maggie: Next time, please hold the mike in your right hand, because you nearly blinded the audience with your rock. Veronica: Wow. Somebody parked a diamond Volkswagen on your finger. Maggie: It's ours! We wants it! --- Veronica: I have to say, we don't get that many bachelorette parties at the Hut. Heidi: This is just the first stop of the no-holds-barred bacchanalia. Jane: It's a bachelorette scavenger hunt. Veronica: "One: sing slutty song publicly. Two: talk a man out of his underwear." Heidi: Done and done. --- Veronica: Hey, party-girl. Jane: I need your help. Veronica: Let me guess, the pin-the-penis-on-the-fireman game ended in tears? --- Jane: Here's the thing: my sister's great, but she's— Wallace:  She's kind of a dingbat sometimes. ...What? The last time we all went to the beach, Heidi almost drowned herself trying to swim with the dolphins. --- Veronica: Toying with a sweet little girl's heart just to screw with her dad? I get it, San Quentin isn't quite as enticing as, say, college, but damn, you've really plumbed new depths, Logan. Logan: You're cute when you're jealous. --- Jane: Be it ever so disgusting, there's no place like Heidi's. Veronica: Okay, her apartment being ransacked, not a good sign. Jane: It's okay, this is how it always looks. --- Kendall: I did hear the Kane house is going up for sale. Cassidy: That's the wrong side of town. The deals are all south. Kendall: I think we should buy it. Cassidy: What have I told you about thinking? Kendall: That it makes my breasts smaller? --- Cliff: And how many jurors you think we can find in Neptune who haven't been exposed to your winning charm in the Tinseltown Diaries? Jurors love convicting smug rich boys, it's a fact. I've asked around and, I hope this isn't news to you, but no one likes you. --- Logan: No deal. Cliff: Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt. --- Veronica: Let's not freak out until there's something concrete to freak out about. Wallace: You mean like finding her car abandoned in the middle of nowhere? Veronica: Yeah, like that. --- Veronica: I had the printers forgo the phallic framing. Penises can sometimes be distracting. Jane: I don't know how helpful I'm gonna be; I didn't really get a good look at the guy. It was dark and loud and there were condom balloons hitting my head. --- Veronica Voiceover: The One-Eyed Ducks, perennial champs, lane five. That guy's too big. That guy's too small. That guy's...not a guy, just in desperate need of a stylist. That guy looks just right. Vinnie: Yes! What did I tell you? What did I tell you? --- Veronica: Let me jog your memory: you were thrown out of the Happy Horseshoe the other night for stalking her. Vinnie: If I had a dime for every time I was thrown out of H squared for stalking... Veronica: What was it? A little prenup background check? Vinnie: Well if you already know. Veronica: She's missing. Vinnie: Are you suggesting I kidnapped her? 'Cause, I believe that's your racket. --- Mr. Pope: If you read this morning's paper, then you probably already know that tracking polls indicate there's fifty-seven percent support for Neptune's incorporation. Question: what's that gonna do to us here? Cassidy: Ah, an actual police department. Mr. Pope: Mm-hmm. Dick: Private beaches. Veronica: The rich get richer. Mr. Pope: All right, let's stop there. All those are true, but let's not just focus on the potential upside. --- Heidi: My family hired you to track me down? Veronica: Actually, Jane did. Heidi: You're twelve. Veronica: I'm eighteen. Heidi: You're a barista. Veronica: I'm a— Fine, I'm a barista. --- Kendall: And that is why the Phoenix Land Trust is where you should put your money. Logan: I'm confused. You're talking and your clothes are on. I'm starting to think you really came over here to try and sell me real estate. Kendall: I told you. It's my job. Logan: And that must be the second sign of the apocalypse. --- Veronica: You know what's really disturbing about you? Other than everything? You're a halfway decent private investigator. Vinnie: Stop, you're embarrassing me. Veronica: You can embarrass the shameless?

The Rapes of Graff

Mrs. Murphy: The winner gets a week's internship as Woody's apprentice, which means an opportunity to learn about civic affairs, a plum entry on your college applications, and — this might interest you, Dick — a chance to stand beside Woody Goodman on TV and push the plunger for the demolition of old Sharks Stadium.

Dick: Nuke the stadium? Damn, now I totally wish I could write good.

---

Veronica: So, you should be able to write quite an essay on Freedom. How does it feel to have your case dismissed?

Logan: Well, freedom feels liberating.

Veronica: I see you've got your title.

---

Wallace: Man, you believe it about Logan? That guy's like a cat.

Veronica: You mean useless and selfish?

Wallace: I mean like nine lives. Just wish I knew how he does it.

Veronica: That's funny. I do know how he does it, and I wish I didn't.

---

Wallace: Come on. You'll like it. It's a good school.

Veronica: And if it were in, say, Maine, I'd be excited. But it's in Neptune, so I'm not excited. I'll go, but just to skip school, which excites me.

---

Hannah: I wanted to congratulate you on your big news, but I couldn't find you. I ended up telling the janitor that your locker was mine and I forgot my combination so he'd open it up and I could leave you a little surprise. But I made it before I heard they dropped the charges, so keep that in mind.

Logan: You lied to a janitor?

Hannah: I've resigned myself to burning in hell. You know, all the girls on track are jealous of me.

Logan: I'm sure they could burn in hell, too, if they'd just, uh, put in the effort.

---

Dean: So, right now, we're gonna play a little get-to-know-you game. So everyone pair up. Um, make sure it's someone that you don't already know.

Wallace: Sorry. I don't know her.

Veronica Voiceover: And so it turns out that college is very much like high school.

---

Dean: Okay, so, we're gonna play a game called "Two Truths and a Lie." Does everyone have a buddy? All alone?
Veronica: It's all right. I prefer it.

Dean: Lie. See, that's how the game works. You have to tell your partner two facts and one lie and they have to guess which one is the lie, all right? Okay, so, um, go ahead.

Veronica: Okay, I'm Veronica, I'm from Neptune, and I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Dean: How'd that go?

Veronica: It was a bit of a letdown.

Dean: Hmm. Well, uh, I don't believe that you're from Neptune.

Veronica: Wrong. Is that the end?

Dean: Um, okay, well, uh, my name is Dean, I'm from Wheaton, Illinois, my father owns a Ford dealership, and I also shot a man in Reno, but it was not to watch him die. It was for other issues.

Veronica: Your father doesn't sell Fords.

Dean: That's right. Toyotas. How did you know?

Veronica: It's all in the eyes.

Dean: All right, well, I guess I'll have to watch out for you next year.

Veronica: Oh, I won't be attending.

Dean: All right. Enough lies.

---

Troy: Uh, so, this is weird. How you been, Veronica?

Veronica: Lie. I don't believe you're really interested. Next statement.

Troy: Yeah, okay, I can understand that after what I did, but I'm s—

Veronica: I don't think you understand the rules of this game. You only get one lie.

Troy: Uh, let me start over. Three statements, one false. Uh, my name is Troy. I was a bad boy when we dated, but after a year of private school, therapy, quitting drugs, and dumping my loose-cannon ex-girlfriend, I've changed into a more or less good boy. And I communicate telepathically with all denizens of the sea.

Veronica: Right. So, how long before I catch you talking to a manatee?

Troy: And you have changed not at all.

Veronica: You know me. Same-old, same-old.

---

Troy: I'm not lying to you, Veronica. I just wanted you to know that.

Veronica: Do I care? Really, Troy, you're just water under the bridge. Duplicitous, evil water.

---

Dick: Dude, so, we hanging this weekend, or that chick still have your sac locked up in her Easy Bake Oven?

Logan: Actually, I am now a free man.

Dick: The way we should be, man.

Logan: We? What happened to Madison?

Dick: Bailed. According to her friend, she met someone more mature.

Logan: Where, at Lego Land?

Dick: Whatever, man. Maturity's like one of the two most over-rated things on the planet.

Logan: The other being?

Dick: Chicks.

Logan: Oh, so this worked out great for you.

---

Veronica Voiceover: So it seems Hearst College pretty much has it all: a campus combining modern facilities with the best traditions of learning, check.

Stacy: No, Heidegger's fine if you're a Nazi.

Veronica Voiceover:A student body composed of diverse, interesting, smart people? Check.
And drunken doofuses who corner your points? Check.

Drew: So, you're blonde — 30 points. And a natural, too, another 20. You are super-cute, 50 points. And you're kind of, like, sassy.

Veronica: So, sassy's good?

Drew: More like a degree of difficulty thing. 30 points. And, you're a pro-fro, 80 points.

Veronica: So, if someone were to have sex with me, they'd walk away with 210 points?

Drew: That's high. You should be psyched.

Veronica: I am. Inside.

---

Veronica: As much as I appreciate that display of chivalry, uh, I had it covered.

Troy: Well maybe I wanted to demonstrate that I really had changed.

Veronica: So, you're no longer evil. You're stupid. Congratulations.

---

Dean: Hey, my pro-fros. Fun party, huh?

Wallace: Not bad. I actually talked to a cute girl about Kierkegaard. Made me wish I knew something about Kierkegaard.

Dean: Yeah. Isn't that cool? I mean, in high school, parties are just guys getting drunk and scamming on chicks. But here, you have intellectual conversations.

Wallace: Right.

Dean: Like I saw you talking to that guy. What'd you talk about?

Veronica: Jane Austen. But he dissed Pride and Prejudice, so I had to throw a beer on him.

---

Keith: So, can I ask you a question?

Cliff: Well, she said her name was Daphne.

Keith: No, no, no. How did you call me?

Cliff: Acrobatically. I might have pulled a hamstring.

Keith: Okay, then. Next question...

---

Veronica: What are you doing here?

Troy: The usual. Hair and blood samples, cheek swab. You remember that girl from the party last night, Stacy? Well, I guess she got date-raped.

Lamb: Actually, no. When they use roofies to knock them out, then shave them afterward, we drop the "date" part.

---

Keith: So, Daphne registered under a false name and credit card. Dead end there, so I got the elevator security tape from last night.

Cliff: Well, you must be on good terms with the Neptune Grand security people.

Keith: When my daughter dated a billionaire's kid living alone in the president's suite, me and the security guys got pretty tight.

---

Keith: At 10:15 you're on your way up. My god, Cliff, you're like a wild animal. Is that what the kids call motorboatin'? Cliff: I have a zest for life. So sue me. --- Keith: Look. Cliff: Lamb? Keith: It appears Lamb has a bit of a zest for life himself. 2:11, there's your briefcase. Lamb appears to know your gynecologist. Veronica: Don't mind me. Just keep doing whatever that is. Keith: Uh, just work. I thought you had that Hearst thing. Veronica: On my way. I just need an address. Oh. My. God. I know her. She goes to my school. Her name is Madison Sinclair. --- Veronica Voiceover: Nice. A little more vomit and a dead donkey and you've got a cover spread in Modern Squalor magazine. --- Troy: I kind of bailed on the tour. I got tired of the looks, you know? Veronica: So you figured creepy skulking was a better use of your time? That won't make you seem guilty. --- Troy: My name and number. I left my name and number on her message board. I mean, would I really do that if I had just raped her and shaved off all her hair? Veronica: So I could go check and your name and number would be there? Troy: Or maybe you could just believe me. Veronica: I'll check. --- Dick: My suspicion is you're afraid to embrace your true nature. Logan: Yeah, which is? Dick: We are lone wolves, dude. High-plains drifters, life takers, and heart breakers. Logan: Who play video games all day. --- Veronica: Um...I'm Veronica. I was at the party last night. Stacy: That was, like, the best party ever, right? How was your rape? Veronica: Uh... Stacy: So, what, are you like dropping off some pamphlets or something? Veronica: No. Um...a pamphlet's not gonna cover it. It's just gonna suck. And then it'll suck less. --- Dean: Oh, hey. Um, you know the tour doesn't start until noon? Veronica: If I wanted to find a Hawaiian girl, where would I start? Dean: In Hawaii? --- Keith: Don, would you have time for a question? Lamb: For the two of you? Always. Keith: We're just looking for a little help. Do you know this woman? Lamb: No. We got to do this again some time. Keith: You're sure? Lamb: You got me. I rode an elevator with her. She asked the time, and I tell it. Cliff: Uh, Sheriff? Just a couple more shots...I want to emphasize, this should not be construed as coercion. We're just showing you a picture. Keith: That's Madison Sinclair, who I believe takes World History with my daughter. Lamb: So, what, this is blackmail? She's 18. That's legal. Keith: Sounds like a swell campaign slogan for the next election. We just want to know who this first woman is. Lamb: She's an escort. I've busted her a few times. She hires out as a Sugar Jones. Keith: Great. Thanks, Don. Cliff: I'd vote for you. --- Chip: If you get that scholarship, you got to join. When I got here, I was like, I totally want to be a Pi. Wallace: Uh, yeah, yeah. Once when I was little, I wanted to be ice cream. Chip: Dude, Pi Sig Sig. You're hilarious. You'll totally fit in. --- Chip: Look. This is our business. I don't have to apologize. Veronica: For being a rapist? Nice. I admire a principled stand. Chip: What are you talking about? Veronica: I'm talking about 300 points, exactly the score you goons wrote on Stacy's door the night she was roofied and raped. But the jury will understand. After all, you had to do it or your frat brothers would shave off your awesome Ryan Seacrest hairdo. Chip: I didn't get those 300 points for Stacy Wells. Gordon: Yeah, he nailed the Dean's wife. Chip: Zip it, Gordo. --- Veronica Voiceover: And this looks like it might be the Pacific Island lunch group. Now, who might be wearing a wig. I think I'll follow a hunch. Veronica: Excuse me. Hi, I'm working on a play for the theater department, and I need to find a place that does custom wigs. Did you get yours recently, and did you get it around here? Girl: My what, wig? This is my hair. Veronica: Oh. I...I'm sorry. I thought...thanks anyway. Veronica Voiceover: Great. A dead end and embarrassing to boot. --- Troy: So, they dropped the charges. Thanks, Veronica. Really, I'm not sure that I deserve it, but you're a real friend. Veronica: How about we just call me an acquaintance with reservations? --- Dean: Hey. Did you guys hear about the Pi Sigs? Wallace: Nope. Dean: They got a semester probation. Veronica: If it's double-secret probation, there's a serious leak. Dean: No mixers, no parties, no sports. It was your photo that nailed them. You don't mess around, do you. Wallace: That's Veronica Mars. Making friends and influencing people wherever she goes. See, if you come here next year, you've already got enemies. Just feel right at home. --- Keith: You're back early. Veronica: Yeah, I ditched the goodbye hugging. Can you believe it? Keith: You? Miss hug? So, you must be tired. Why don't you lie in your... Daphne: Is Keith here? Veronica: Dad. Your hooker's here. Keith: Escort, honey. So, why don't you go to your room and do your, uh, blog, whatever you kids do. --- Keith: So, you know if you go to Hearst, you could come home and do your laundry on weekends, and we can talk about Nietzsche, the French Revolution, boys, whatever. Veronica: I told you, Dad, I am going far, far away. It's a dealbreaker. Keith: Hearst is 10 whole exits. Veronica: What do you know about plastic explosives? Keith: Well, that's what I like: a good segue. --- Veronica: So, the contest winner gets to push that thing, you know, that thing like Bugs Bunny always pushes, and the stadium explodes? Foreman: A plunger, right, but if we did our work right, the stadium implodes. Plan B Veronica: "Freedom: That's what it's all about. But talking about it, and being it, that's two different things." Logan: Whew. You came up all deliberate-like, I figured you wanted to be first in line to ask me to the Sadie Hawkins dance, not recite my prize-winning essay. Veronica: Neither, actually. I'm quoting Easy Rider, which you may remember making me watch last summer. Logan: That's funny, it sounds a lot like my essay. Veronica: Yeah. Weird. --- Jane: I heard the FBLA won the drawing to host the Sadie Hawkins dance. Dances are the best fundraisers — the band made like three grand at last year's. Veronica: This face? Right here? My over-the-moon face. --- Jane: Thinking of asking some special boy? Veronica: I'm flying solo for the foreseeable future. I'll be working it, though. Wallace: You work it, girlfriend! Veronica: Taking keepsake couples photos. --- Weevil: Need your help. Veronica: Augh, if I had fifty bucks every time someone said that... Weevil: Look, I know it's a drag being you— Veronica: No, seriously, I'm gonna need fifty bucks if you expect me to keep listening. Weevil: Well, I'm banking on, uh, curiosity getting the better of you. Veronica: ...All right, tell me! Damn my curiosity. --- Weevil: And, uh, Thumper has something on me. There's this video on his cell. Veronica: Do go on. Weevil: I didn't exactly tell you the whole truth about how I handled the Curly situation. Veronica: Shocker. Weevil: I think that's Scout's honor, and your fingers are supp— Veronica: Not important. Moving on. --- Mr. Wu: This is study hall. Do you two know what we do in study hall? Jackie: Gimme a minute, I think I know this one... --- Mac: What are you doing? Cassidy: Um, you know, just standing here, wondering what I've done to make you ashamed of me. It's the age thing, isn't it? You know, me and my full blush of youth, and you and your...advancing years. Mac: I'm standing in the middle of the hallway holding your hand, dorkwad. --- Cassidy: And if the dance blows half as much as I'm guessing it will, we can cut out early. Go straight for the good stuff. Mac: Ooh, my. Cassidy: I'm talking about Neptune's Best Pizza Quest '06. You, get your mind out of the gutter. --- Veronica: Hey. I need a second. Logan: I'm sorry, I can't be late for my first day. Call the county courthouse, ask for the assistant to the honorary deputy mayor. They'll pencil you in. Veronica: I need you to do something for me. Logan: Veronica. Ask not what Logan can do for you, but what you do for Logan. Veronica: That's gonna get old real soon. Logan: Let me know when that time comes. Until then, you know me: always be speaking softly and carrying a big stick. --- Veronica: Tell me everything you remember about the night Felix was killed. Logan: You do know I've been cleared of all charges, right? The whole dead Felix business has lost its intrigue for me, and when something stops being important to me, my memory gets a little fuzzy. Wait...who are you? Veronica: The murder is still unsolved. Logan: And yet, somehow, I sleep like a baby. Veronica: If Thumper did do it, he's about to get away with killing Felix, framing you, taking over the PCH bike club, and cornering the high school drug trade. We should invite him to speak at FBLA. Logan: Follow the bouncing ball: Not. My. Problem. Veronica: You don't remember anything about the guy who stopped and helped you? The 911 caller? Logan: Mexican dude, driving a truck. Oh, his truck had a bumper sticker. It said "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT"...something. Veronica: Thanks. Well, run along, Deputy Dawg, go serve your community. --- Woody: Now, I'm sure you're aware that I've introduced a bill proposing the incorporation of Neptune. Logan: Glad you brought it up. I'm backing the plan. In fact, I'm throwing my considerable weight behind it. I say we take it a step further and erect a wall around Neptune proper, keep the rifraff out. You want me to visit some of the local community centers, sell them on it? Woody: Not quite yet, but I appreciate the offer. For now, we just need this mail separated into pro- and anti-incorporation piles. Logan: Uh, isn't Beverly here a bit more suited to this kind of thing? Beverly: I've got a letter opener you can borrow. Woody: Beats pulling a drive-through shift at Woody's Burgers, right? Logan: I wouldn't know. You're the one who's served twenty billion. --- Keith: Logan? Logan: That's Honorary Deputy County Commissioner Echolls to you. --- Logan: So this is staking out, huh? Looks sexier in the movies. Veronica: Did you hear anything from Hannah? Logan: Does deafening silence count? Veronica: You know, I'm not sure, but I think when they start shipping your girlfriends off, you're officially a bad boy. Logan: Her dad and your dad should get together and go bowling. --- Weevil: You find the witness? Veronica: Yeah. Found out he's as good as no witness at all. Not a big fan of the PCHers. Weevil: Yeah. Their popularity's really gone downhill without me. --- Mac: This serves as a pre-emptive apology for the conversation that's about to take place. Okay. And...Beaver and I occasionally, you know, uh, make out. Veronica: Mmm. I made out once. Back in the day. I think he had me pinned up against a woolly mammoth. Mac: So not that I'm an expert in this sorta stuff, but four months, typical high school boy, there should be some...under the...bra action, no? Veronica: Let me consult my Idiot's Guide to Wanton Behavior. Basically, you're asking me because I'm the sluttiest person you know? Mac: Um, "slutty" is your word choice. Mine was "worldly." --- Woody: You know, looking at you, reminds me of the good old days, when I was young and ripped. Betcha have some fun with the ladies, huh? Logan: Uh, the ones that survive. --- Veronica: So after all this, it looks like Felix got himself killed bragging about his sex life. Weevil: Thumper made it up, okay? You wanna make a guy like Liam lose his mind? Call a girl in his family a whore, say that she'll let you do what any— Keith: Eli. Veronica. Don't tell me: lab report. Veronica: History exam. Roman history. Man, that Caligula...whoo. --- Lamb: Look up Eli Navarro. There's gotta be something outstanding we can book him on. Weevil: Well, if I did it, it's outstanding. Lamb: Still pickin' winners, huh, Veronica? Veronica: I told you: when I start picking losers, it's all you. We were just in the neighborhood, thought we'd drop by, solve a murder case for you. Lamb: Well, bonus points for bringing the perp along. So who's the deceased? Veronica: Eduardo Orozco killed Felix. Lamb: Thumper. But he's got such a cute nickname. --- Veronica: Here's proof that they're working together. Liam Fitzpatrick practically confesses to orchestrating Felix's death on this tape. Liam: [on tape] —plugged the good ship Molly-pop. You should be glad he's dead. If your dad wasn't in prison, he'd a done it himself. Lamb: Imagine how helpful that recording would be if was obtained legally. Not to mention an actual confession. Veronica: Note the absence of a silver platter. This was more to steer you in the right direction than to, say, do your job for you. Actually, it was doing your job for you. Getting admissible evidence seems like the least you can do. Lamb: There's less I can do. Trust me. --- Weevil: Well, an 09er could come in here with tea leaves and a ouija board and they'd send out a SWAT team. It's time for Plan B. Veronica: Not just yet, Dirty Harry. Weevil: In case you haven't noticed, I ain't no mick cop. Veronica: Uh...okay. Dirty Sanchez? --- Gia: So my dad likes having you at work. He says you've got potential. I think that was the word. Logan: Well "potential" was the word, but "underachiever" is the sentiment. Gia: Ha ha. The demolition ceremony's gonna be fun. Are you nervous? What if you push the plunger and nothing happens? Logan: You mean like if there were total silence? Let's try to imagine it. --- Gia: For a friendship to work, you have to be completely honest, which is something I have absolutely no problem with. But you...you run from the truth. Logan: Only when it's chasin' me. Gia: Do you know what I think? I think you use sarcasm and anger as a way to keep people from getting too close to you. Logan: You know, I do. But it doesn't always work. Gia: Tell me what you think about me. Seriously. Be completely honest. Veronica: Dance with me. Logan: Oh, God. --- Logan: When I dreamed of this moment, "I've Had the Time of My Life" was always playing. Well, what can you do. --- Thumper: I was goin' into Saint Mary's to make the drop. Next thing I knew, somebody grabbed me and I was out. When I woke up, the cash was gone. Liam: That baby face looks real pretty for someone who got jumped. So what, you get hit in the head? Thumper: No, some kind of a... Liam: Use the Vulcan death grip? --- Liam: Oh, duct tape. Is there anything it ain't good for?

I Am God

Ms. James: You were sleeping in class. Mrs. Taft says she's reprimanded you three times for wearing headphones while she's teaching.

Veronica: She's reading The Golden Bowl...aloud, with a fake English accent.

Ms. James: You were caught ripping down another student's poster.

Veronica: Am I being followed?

---

Ms. James: Something you want to talk about?

Veronica: Yeah, but Jennifer Love Hewitt might be more qualified.

Ms. James: How's that?

Veronica: I'm being haunted. And...she's the Ghost Whisperer. These are the jokes.

Ms. James: Haunted?

Veronica: Yeah, by the kids who died in the bus crash. I take it you don't see them?

Ms. James: Uh, no, Veronica, I don't.

Veronica: Good, neither do I.

---

Veronica: So Meg, what's with that guy, Lucky? Your parents' friend from church? I can't picture them wanting to set you up with someone.

Meg: They weren't outwardly setting us up. They just kept having him over for dinner so he could talk about his four months in Iraq and how he took shrapnel in the ass for America. He'd quote the Bible and they'd point out how great he was. Fun, fun, fun.

Veronica: But you thought he was creepy.

Meg: Have you been reading my emails? My sister gave my computer files to Duncan, not you. Those are my personal, intimate...wait. Forgot. I'm dead. In Veronicaland, no pulse, no privacy.

---

Keith: Honey?

Veronica: I'm fine. It was just a bad dream.

Keith: Did you watch "House of Wax" again? You know that Hilton girl gives you nightmares.

---

Veronica: Betina played these phone messages from Dick for everyone on the bus. This was in the CD player.

Keith: And how did it get here?

Veronica: I willed it?

Keith: You snuck onto the bus?

Veronica: Yeah, like you didn't?

---

Veronica: Yep, I have no idea what compelled me to do that.

Logan: Is it because you're five?

Veronica: I'm a little punchy; I haven't been sleeping.

Logan: Thoughts of me? Hey, I get it. Um, sometimes I'm up all night just thinking about myself.

---

Veronica: Do you know a guy named Lucky? He's one of the night janitors here.

Logan: Tommy Dohanic? Yeah.

Veronica: Why "Lucky"?

Logan: Well, he graduates. Then his parents file Chapter 11; he has to drop out of college. He signs up for Army Rangers. He gets sent to Iraq and four months in, he gets shot.

Veronica: And...that makes him lucky?

Logan: Hey, they shot him in the butt. Could be worse.

---

Logan: You met him too, you know. Remember...

Veronica: ...Hey, Logan, is there a point to this story?

Logan: Will you let me finish? Sheesh!

---

Veronica: Remind me. Why did we break up?

Logan: Well, you thought the other guy had greener grass. Mm, or was it something about me being too much man? No, wait, it was you. You were too much man.

---

Mr. Wu: As I was saying, each team will design a device to protect an egg dropped from increasing heights. The pair whose egg survives the highest drop will earn an "A," plus the team will be excused from Mr. Wu's notorious G.P.A.-killing final exam.

Logan: Boy, Mr. Wu must really like his egg-drop soup.

Dick: Ah, does this assignment come with potsticka?

---

Mr. Wu: That's does it. I'm assigning you partners alphabetically. Dick, I think it's a bad idea for you and Mr. Echolls to be working together.

Dick: So bad it's good?

Mr. Wu: No.

Dick: God, I don't know how I'm gonna quit you. Shhh. It's not me; it's Wu.

---

Logan: You're not gonna get all super-achiever on me, are you?

Wallace: I'm just trying to avoid flunking. Hearst would yank my scholarship.

Logan: Excellent. The bar is so low, we can step over it.

---

Dick: Everybody has their secret shame, V. You get tanked at the wrong party, stumble a couple of rungs down the food chain. You know how it is; you dated that cop.

Veronica: Patience dwindling.

Dick: Sometimes you don't need the prettiest horse, just one that let's you ride bareback.

Veronica: Ever think, maybe, that was a little, I don't know, dangerous?

Dick: What am I, stupid? She was on the pill. I don't know why you're in a bunch. I don't hear her complaining.

Veronica: You know she's dead, right? And she did complain. She played your messages for the whole bus on the way home from Shark Field. That's not a satisfied customer, Dick. That's a woman scorned.

Dick: Well, she had nothing to be scorned about. I even gave her a little gift that day: a Sharks premium ticket package, my Sharks memorabilia gift bag.

Veronica: Tickets they raffled off? You didn't win the tickets.

Dick: Well, I saw that gay kid who won them toss them in the trash, and I thought Betina might like them. Or she could sell them for grocery money or whatever. Pissed-off white trash booty buddy, free tickets, it's a no-brainer.

---

Maureen: Dick Casablancas is the bastard child of Satan.

Veronica: Well, that would explain a lot.

---

Betina: What's with the T-shirts? You just need help keeping us straight in your head?

Peter: Straight? "Queer eye for the dead guy" has Petey wearing a rhinestone fricking rainbow! Seriously, ever heard of butch?

Meg: I have important information.

Peter: Don't we all?

---

Logan: Ah, my buffalo burger has arrived.

Wallace: Must be nice.

Logan: Oh, not for the buffalo.

---

Logan: You don't like me much, do you?

Wallace: The last time we actually talked, you were bashing Veronica's headlights with a crowbar.

Logan: Hm. Foreplay.

---

Wallace: When I die, I want you to raise money for my spread in Vibe.

Veronica: Oh, didn't I email you? You're never allowed to die.

---

Wallace: That girl, Rhonda, and her sister Natalie were in Clemmons' office all the time. Always in trouble, for huffing paint, stealing, fighting, anything to reinforce the P.W.T. stereotype.

Veronica: There's a Pretty Young Thing stereotype? Do I fit it?

Wallace: P.W.T. Poor White Trash.

Veronica: Oh, them. So can you point Rhonda's sister out to me after school?

Wallace: What else am I gonna do?

---

Mr. Wu: Logan, you and Wallace are up.

Logan: I could rub your head for luck.

Wallace: You could try.

---

Angie: I'm in. I got into Stanford.

Dick: All right! You can be roomies with Veronica Mars. There's a pillow-fight I'd like to see.

Angie: Veronica Mars got into Stanford?

Wallace: Yeah. Veronica Mars. Stanford.

Angie: Well, I guess somebody has to do the football team.

---

Dick: I heard in dorms, all the girls shower together. Maybe you and Ronnie could soap each other's backs.

Angie: Mr. Wu, I want another partner. Dick is being inappropriate and didn't help with our project.

Mr. Wu: Dick?

Dick: Dude, I totally helped.

Mr. Wu: Can you, um, pick up your project, bring it to me?

Dick: Ahhh....

Mr. Wu: I'll see you in summer school, Dick.

Dick: What?

Mr. Wu: Oh, believe me, I'm no happier than you.

---

Logan: Congratulations. You've single-handedly fulfilled the Stanford bitch quota.

Angie: Enjoy trade school, Logan

---

Wallace: I think that's Rhonda's sister. Natalie? Veronica: Are you sure there's a "P." before that "W.T."? Wallace: That's definitely her. She drives a 'Vette now? Last year, she offered to make out with me for cigarette money. --- Veronica: You can take the girl out of the trash, but you can't take the trash out of the girl. Oh, the time and effort she's saved me. --- Keith: Why aren't you learning something? Veronica: And a good day to you, too, sir. Just thinking about some great advice you gave me. Keith: "Look both ways"? "Don't stick that in your nose"? Veronica: "Follow the money." --- Wallace: We magnify the drag, decrease the velocity, minimize the force, and decelerate— Logan: Decelerate yourself. Four is officially your espresso limit. Wallace: So, I know why I'm trying to help out Veronica. I want her to get to go to Stanford. Why you doing it? Logan: I don't know, not for Veronica. Wallace: Then what? Logan: Uh, the spirit of competition. Wallace: Yeah. All right. Logan: Why don't you chill while the glue dries? --- Veronica: Got something for me? Keith: Love in my heart. Chili on the stove. Oh, and I ran those financial records. I am a great father. --- Veronica Voiceover: Sometimes, opportunity doesn't knock. It waits for everyone to go to lunch and sneaks in using a key. --- Keith: My coat? Clemmons: Right. It's in the closet. Keith: Yep, that's mine all right. --- Veronica: Peter was gearing up for what he called "the outing of all outings." I was wondering if he was pulling his favorite teacher out of the closet. Mr. Wu: Veronica, I think that when you get out in the world a little more, you'll, you'll discover that not all well-dressed, articulate, detail-oriented men are gay. Many of them are just Asian. --- Logan: Ah, am I still keeping you up at night? You look like Steve Buscemi. Veronica: You...are such...a catch. How has Hannah been able to keep away? --- Ms. James: So that's it? The tombstone art work was just an album cover? Veronica: And Rosebud was just a sled. I didn't just ruin Citizen Kane for you, did I? Ms. James: No, no. Veronica: Good. So, are we done? Ms. James: Well that depends. Do you think you're through being haunted? Veronica: I better be.

Nevermind The Buttocks

Ethan Lavoie: You said that you saw Mr. Echolls and Miss Kane having sex on the videotape.

Veronica: That's right.

Ethan Lavoie: The actual act of intercourse?

Veronica: A sheet was covering them, but the motion of their bodies...suggested copulation.

Ethan Lavoie: It just looked like sex.

Veronica: And sounded like sex.

Ethan Lavoie: Is this an area you have a particular knowledge in, Miss Mars?

Cliff: Mr. Lavoie—

Ethan Lavoie: Well, she said it looked as though they were having sex. I need to make sure she knows what sex looks like.

Cliff: I'm sure Ms. Mars has had the required sexual education course provided by Neptune High School.

Veronica: I got an A minus. Plus, I watch Animal Planet.

---

Keith: Prepare to have your mind blown. Are you ready?

Veronica: Think back eighteen years: small, blonde, baby. Born ready.

Keith: Richard Casablancas was using the life insurance they'd taken out for Dick and Cassidy as a tax shelter. The payout on their policies is over eight figures, and here's the kicker: the beneficiary should both brothers die simultaneously? Kendall Casablancas.

Veronica: The wicked stepmother trying to bump off her rich husband's spawn. That's a Disney movie, isn't it?

---

Weevil: Someone was hungry, huh?

Veronica: Someone is baby talking a python.

Weevil: Yeah. We got a special connection, me and Buddy: top of the food chain.

Veronica: Well, on behalf of Nature, thank you for doing your part in the circle of life.

---

Veronica: Mac Attack, what's the haps?

Mac: I got mugged. By my own principal. They took my cell phone interceptor, and apparently plan on keeping it until the end of the year. What happened to "end of the day"? Why wasn't that working?

Veronica:  Everyone still kept bringing in their cell phone interceptors?

Mac: Is there any chance you can get it back for me? I borrowed it from my buddy at Radio Shack because apparently, I've become a psycho ex-girlfriend and I wanted to listen to Beaver's cell phone calls. ...You're judging me.

Veronica: No. I'm judging myself. Why don't I have a cell phone interceptor?

Mac: Please, respect the business model, Veronica. I do the gadgets; you do the actual espionage.

---

Veronica Voiceover: I don't know if waiting for Clemmons to go to lunch qualifies as espionage, but setting off his secretary's car alarm? Pure Bond.

---

Veronica Voiceover: He changed his lock? Man, he's gotten paranoid.

---

Mac: Wow, Butters, this is—this is way cool of you.

Vincent: Just so you know, I'm an excellent dancer, so...don't worry about that.

Mac: ...Oh. Okay. I'll try not to.

Vincent: Well, I don't have to dance, though. I enjoy it, but I also enjoy a good conversation.

Veronica: Look! Fake vomit. Courtesy of locker...213. And whoever is in locker 792 is sans one "Smell it, bitch" t-shirt.

Vincent: So, Mac, what color dress are you wearing?

Mac: I'm actually wearing pants.

Vincent: Right, I just don't want the corsage to be, like, blue, and your dress is red, and you think I'm an idiot.

Mac: Veronica?

Veronica: Oh, your cell phone interceptor!

---

Veronica:  Do you mind if I give this Anarchist Cookbook back to Weevil?

Vincent: You know his locker number?

Veronica: Who else would brag about meeting Satan halfway?

---

Weevil: Wow. You know, you look exactly like this calendar in my uncle's garage. Now hop your ass off before you scratch my paint.

Veronica: You seen Thumper lately, Weevil? It's just, nobody's heard from him in weeks. He doesn't show up soon, he's gonna miss Prom.

Weevil: Yeah. Well, uh, I'm sure he's crushed.

---

Veronica: Are you telling me you wouldn't off the guy who killed Felix? Well, at least you got it right with Thumper. That makes you...top of the food chain again, right Weevil?

---

Jackie: Veronica? I've got a, uh, favor to ask.

Veronica: Who doesn't?

Jackie: I was hoping you could put in a good word for me at the Hut. I already dropped off an application.

Veronica: Like, for a job? Please. Jackie. Six seventy-five an hour isn't gonna keep your dog in sweaters.

---

Keith: Can you think of any reason Logan Echolls would've gotten three calls from Kendall on the day of the crash?

Veronica: Well, let's see. I believe the Latin term is coitus sordidus.

Keith: They were sleeping together? That was weeks before Kendall's husband fled the country.

Veronica: Logan may be a little fuzzy on the commandments.

---

Logan: As a rule, I like to start every school day with a hot blonde waiting for me in the parking lot.

Veronica: Me too.

Logan: I'm not blonde.

Veronica: Or hot.

---

Veronica: Got a question for you: remember back when you were doing the deed with Dick's stepmom?

Logan: Mm, vaguely. I remember she thought I was hot.

Veronica: Were you with her on the day of the crash? You two talked on the phone a few times that day.

Logan: Man, you're obsessed with my sex life. Do I need to start carrying around a webcam from now on?

Veronica: Logan!

Logan: Day of the crash, day of the crash...uh, I'd really have to consult my feelings journal to be sure.

Veronica: Kendall stood to make millions by sending Dick and Beaver over that cliff. There was an insurance policy.

Logan: Kendall requires a domestic staff to make cereal. You think she could really plot a murder?

Veronica: Were you with her at 7:03?

Logan: No actually, she kicked me out before the sheets were dry. But considering her husband's fondness for handguns and the fact that Dick and Beaver could come home any minute, who could blame her? Anything else? Oh, I, uh, I got to second base with Tammy Forrester in eigth grade in Duncan's closet. And last summer, I made this townie girl moan without even using my hands. Is any of this relevant? Should I make a list?

---

Veronica: I hate fake deer too. Every time I see their stupid fake deer faces I wanna grab a shotgun and go all Cheney on 'em.

---

Keith: Okay, honey. Now prepare to be impressed.

Veronica: Dad, you've shown me your yearbook. The whole Rick Springfield feathered hair thing, it looked awesome on you. But those days are over and it's time to move on.

Keith: This is Kendall Shiflett's high school yearbook.

Veronica: And she was named "Most likely to commit murder for profit"? That'd really support our latest theory.

---

Mary: Now excuse me, but I'm missing Vanna and Pat.

Veronica Voiceover: And what enjoyment exactly do the blind get out of Wheel of Fortune?

--- 

Veronica: What do you need out of Clemmons' office?

Weevil: A paddle. It belonged to Thumper. Clemmons confiscated it.

Veronica: "Belonged"? Interesting use of the past tense. What's so special about this paddle?

Weevil: I saw it when I dumped the carnival cash in Thumper's shop locker. It had license plates engraved on it. I'm guessing that those plates belonged to the people he was delivering product to for the Fitzpatricks. He probably made it as some kind of insurance policy.

Veronica:  How's that working out for him?

---

Veronica Voiceover: What a relief: it seems I wasn't lying about Jackie's waitressing skills. Nice to see all those Manhattan ballet lessons finally pay off in the service industry.

---

Kendall: Why was the former sheriff in my house?

Liam: He didn't say.

Kendall: This is bad.

Liam: I could track him down and ask him.

Kendall: That would be worse.

---

Mac: Bingo. All right, you guys are in.

Veronica: Ah, thanks, Mac.

Mac: I'm not speaking to you. Butters asked if he should rent a room for Prom night. I'm doing this for your dad. Mr. Mars, what else can I do for you?

Keith: You mind printing every email, every document?

Mac: Your word is my Shift-Command. Little computer humor for you, there.

Veronica: I liked it better when you weren't speaking to me.

---

Weevil:  The PCHers ain't dealin' for you no more.

Liam: Okay! So, uh, what, we just...shake hands and walk away like gentlemen?

Weevil: Not sure I'm interested in the handshake, but I'm fine with the walkin' away.

Liam: You know, uh, retirement ain't all it's cracked up to be. Ask Thumper.

Look Who's Stalking

Veronica Voiceover: So my Grandma Reynolds was always saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I wish she was still alive because I'd really like to ask what she suggests for when life gives you chlamydia.

---

Veronica: Please? Get a room. In Australia.

Wallace: Hey, we're practicing for the prom.

Veronica: What debutante bit you and turned you into a prom zombie?

---

Jackie: We just gave in: the whole nine yards, the ridiculous dress, the tux, lobster dinner, limo. I mean, it happens once. Why not go all out?

Mac: Because no one sold you as an indentured servant to Butters.

Veronica: Mac, I didn't think he'd actually—

Mac: He's picking me up in a Hummer limousine. We're having dinner on a replica pirate ship and I suspect he's hired a zeppelin for the ride home. I'm gonna fill my pockets with rocks, get a good grip on your ankle and I'm gonna drop off the top of a mountain.

---

Clemmons: Attention students. Due to a significant number of alcohol violations on the senior trip, this year's prom has been cancelled.

Wallace: What?!

Clemmons: That is all.

Mac: Yes! Prayer works!

---

Gia: Have you ever been stalked?

Veronica: As a matter of fact...

Gia: Because someone's stalking me. I was hoping you might have some tips or something.

Veronica: Dancing around in your underwear with the curtains open is always good. And if you're in chat rooms, and they suggest meeting face to face, do it in an abandoned railroad car down by the river side.

Gia: No! No, no, I mean for catching the guy. I keep seeing this car following me around.

Veronica: Can you describe it?

Gia: It's totally nondescript. I mean, that's what's so unique about it.

Veronica: Um, okay.

---

Veronica: Any reason anyone would want to follow you around?

Gia: Well, last week, at karaoke, I did "Can't Get You Out of My Head" and I dedicated it to this table of cute guys, but then I realised they weren't cute. They were dweeb Pan High guys and not the nice nerd kind but the weird, creepy...

Veronica: Potential stalker kind?

---

Veronica: Mrs. C! I trust you're well.

Kendall: Well, if it isn't little Miss Teen Getaway. Your dad and I were just dealing with a little trouble.

Veronica: Like Trouble, with a capital T, that rhymes with C, that stands for—

Keith: Veronica!

Veronica: I was gonna say cute.

---

Veronica: Can I borrow the remote cameras tonight?

Keith: What for?

Veronica: For...a school project?

Keith: I don't believe you.

Veronica: Okay. This girl I know suspects that one of several creepy weirdoes she sang a Kylie Minogue song to at karaoke night might be following her around. We're trying to narrow down which one it is.

Keith: I like your first answer better.

---

Veronica: And who is this charming fellow?

Keith: The charming fellow who hired the escort to steal Cliff's briefcase.

Veronica: And his heart. Poor Cliff.

Keith: Yeah. She must have been something. 'Cause he won't shut up about it.

---

Veronica: Cameras are on the roof, so if this guy followed you here, we should be able to spot him. Gia: Wow! How Mission: Impossible. I feel like at any moment Tom Cruise is gonna dangle from the ceiling on cables. Veronica: Great. Now I won't be able to sleep. I hope he doesn't try to marry me. --- Gia: There! That's the car. Isn't it totally nondescript? Veronica: That's a 2002 silver Gallant. Gia: We should order him a pizza. He would totally freak. Veronica: Why stop at pizza, Gia? Bet you a hot oil rubdown would really show him. Gia: And you can just look him up, right there on your computer? That's awesome. Veronica: Actually, I'm updating my Netflix queue. No, wait. I think we got him. Gia: Leonardo D'Amato? God, what kind of loser is that? Veronica: Greek-Italian. --- Veronica: Hey, how's it goin'? Logan: Oh, this is gonna be good. Veronica: What? Logan: Ah, you have that "I'd rather be making out with a broken bottle" look. Which if history serves, means you're about to say something awkward. Veronica: This? This is my "I'd rather be spelunking" look. It's like you don't know me at all. --- Veronica: So...you remember Duncan. Logan: Right, blue eyes? Veronica: Right. Logan: Yes. Veronica: You wouldn't happen to know if he was with...and by with I mean with, uh, someone other than Meg? Logan: Well, there was this one girl. She was, uh, blonde, petite. Smelled of marshmallows and promises. Veronica: Promises? Logan: Yep. Veronica: That's the name of my perfume! Logan: You know, generally speaking, I've kinda grown immune to your left field questions. But I'm gonna bite on this one. What do you care who Duncan did when Duncan did do dudettes? Veronica: Would you believe, it's for a college application. Weird, huh? --- Veronica: Well, I'm going to miss these moments. Logan: You going somewhere? Veronica: Oh! You see this? Logan: Mm-hm. Veronica: Uh, this is high school. We're here for four years and then we move on. And all these people you see every day vanish from your life and you never have to think about them again. --- Veronica: Wow, you and your drunk 09er buddies get the prom cancelled, and then use your inherited wealth to throw a private prom. Logan: When you say it like that it sounds unjust. Veronica: How does it sound when you say it? Logan: Mm, glamorous. So...are you coming? [Veronica points to her face] Logan: What...you'd rather be spelunking? Veronica: No! I'd rather be... [pause] Veronica: Strapped down on an ant hill! Logan: Yeah. Veronica: Man, you've really lost it. --- Gia: Is a lunchlady who does body building human interest? Veronica: Human? Maybe. Interest? No. --- Veronica: Okay. I have news. The senior memories once thought lost forever can, in fact, be generated after all, albeit in a slightly degraded form. The rich kids are throwing a private replacement prom. Wallace: Damn, they're just privatizing everything these days. Jackie: Alterna-prom. Hm. Formal attire. Wallace: That's what I'm talkin' about. Veronica: Please don't give us the tux speech again. Wallace: What? You mean, how when I put on a tux, I make James Bond look like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel? Jackie: Shh. Mac: Oh, please tell me Butters knows nothing about this. --- Logan: Who you taking to the alterna-prom? Dick: Well, I considered a lot of chicks, but finally figured I'd just go stag. I mean, it's not the prom: it's the alterna-prom. Why narrow my options? Logan: Shot down, huh? Dick: It's like a conspiracy. Logan: It's a good thing we're graduating. Sounds like you've hit that point where every girl in school knows you. Dick: Bring on the sorority girls! --- Veronica: So Neptune has to keep us? Keith: What's a yacht without barnacles? --- Mr. Wu: Miss Mars, what do you think you're doing? Veronica: Just some clerical business. Mr. Wu: This is study hall. If you wanted clerical hall, you should have signed up for clerical hall. Mr. Echolls, so glad you could join us. Late. Logan: And that is what happens when you never get laid. Veronica: Well why don't you invite him to your bitchin' party? Logan: Hey, speaking of my bitching party, a funny thing happened. That stoner dude Corny whom I don't recall inviting offered to bring dessert. Exactly how many losers are now coming to my party? Veronica: You said invite whoever. Logan: Didn't it occur to you that I might not have meant it? --- Lamb: Everyone freeze. Keith, when you call the Sheriff, you don't have to come yourself. Would you get up off the man? You said you have evidence to back up what you said? Keith: He basically confessed already. We get him in a room for an hour— Lamb: "We"? I appreciate the heads-up. This is a law enforcement matter now, Mr. Mars. You can go. --- Veronica: Mac, you really do look— Mac: Don't distract me. I'm planning how to kill you and make it look like an accident. --- Lamb: What are you looking at, nutjob? Keith: Cut him some slack, Don. Lamb: I wasn't talking to him, Keith. Lucky: I don't think he likes you. --- Dick: Senior year's almost over. In a month, we might never see each other again. Never. Think about how long that is. That's like forever, but worse. Madison: I'm not going to sleep with you. Dick: We could fool around in the bathroom. Old times' sake? Never — it's a long time, Madison. Veronica: Leave her alone, Dick. You don't want to make her have to call the law, 'cause I hear the law really comes down hard. Have you heard that? Madison: So, I guess you're here alone since Duncan, like, ran away, or whatever. Veronica: You mean, took it on the lam? 'Cause I can't imagine what that's like. Can you? Being on the Lamb? Think you'd just want to close your eyes and pray for it all to end. You'd have the cops crawling all over you. Right? What do you think, Madison? --- Dick: Ronnie: what do you think the odds are of you and me hooking up by the end of the night? Veronica: I happen to have them right here. They are...a googolplex to one. Dick: Right on! So I'll send over a bartender and check back in with you later. --- Logan: Alone again. Veronica: Naturally. Logan: I, uh, I know the feeling. Veronica: You? Host of the greatest private replacement prom ever? I'm sure you could have your pick of the bimbos. I really like this song. Logan: You know, I'm surprised, Veronica. And as a keen observer of the human condition, I thought you saw through people better than that. Bimbos? That's not me anymore. Veronica: So what are you like now? Logan: You know. Tortured. Ever since I had my heart broke. Veronica: Hannah really did do a number on you, huh? Logan: Come on, you know I'm not talking about Hannah. I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me. Veronica: Epic how? Logan: Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed, epic. But summer's almost here. We won't see each other at all. Then you'll leave town then...and then it's over. Veronica: Logan... Logan: I'm sorry. About last summer. If I could do it over... Veronica: Come on. Ruined lives, bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard? Logan: No one writes songs about the ones that come easy. --- Logan: Hello. Veronica: First let me say that I'm sorry for running out last night like I did. I was a bit overwhelmed; I needed to collect my thoughts, think about what you said. Logan: Veronica... Veronica: Look, let me just get this out. I don't want to lose you from my life either. And I'm not saying I'm ready to dive back into anything, but after graduation, let's make it a point to see each other. See where that takes us. I remember what you said about our relationship being epic...Oh God Logan: Last night was kind of a blur. Kendall: Is that our room service? No. Just Veronica Mars. What a disappointment. Come on. Let's get you cleaned up. Bye, Veronica. Logan: Look, whatever I said, I... You should know-- Veronica: Stop. Happy Go Lucky Keith: Honey, when you get your chance to testify, it's important you keep yourself in check, okay? Aaron's lawyer's going to use everything in his bag of tricks to rile you. Veronica: Ah, but here's the thing: I'm unrileable. Easygoing Veronica Mars. That's what the kids at school call me. Keith: You sure you don't want to go over your testimony with the lawyers again? Veronica: You know what I want? More than anything in the world? I wanna be there, in court, watching Aaron at the moment the jury reads the verdict. I wanna see that smirk wiped from his face. I wanna see his expression at the exact moment he realizes he'll never be a free man again. Keith: Easygoing Veronica Mars, huh? You know how fat men are sometimes called Tiny? --- Gia: That's for saving my life. Veronica: What do I have to do for a pie? I'm...kidding. They're great. --- Wallace: Where'd these come from? Veronica: Saved someone's life. Can't talk, studying. Wallace: Well, not me, baby. I'm cruisin' through this week. Veronica: Did he just call me "baby"? Jackie: Mm-hm. Wallace: I got my scholarship to Hearst, my grades are fine, good to go. Veronica: Do you want me to cry? Wallace: I'm just sayin'— Veronica: 'Cause I'll cry. --- Veronica: Do you know how long I've wanted to go to Stanford? Wallace: Since middle school? Veronica: Elementary, my dear Wallace. Do you have any idea how long I've waited to say that? --- Jackie: It's so funny that you're working so hard to go to Stanford with Angie Dahl when Wallace, Mac, and your dad will all be in Neptune. Wallace: Said the girl who's leaving all this to go to France. Jackie: Ah, do you see a plane ticket in my hand? Wallace: Seriously? You might stay? Jackie: With Dad still in this mess... Veronica: Could you guys tone down the adorable? Western Civ isn't gonna learn itself. Jackie: I'm gonna need some milk to go with those cupcakes. Anyone want anything? Veronica: Uh, peace? With a side of quiet? --- Weevil: I need your help with something. Um, 'kay, this is a little weird for me, you know— Veronica: Is this going to make me nauseous? Weevil: I need your help with...you know, algebra. Veronica: Like...the math? --- Keith: I'm thinking about getting you some sort of...giant hamster ball, so you can roll everywhere in this protective sphere. Veronica: It'd just draw attention to me. Nobody likes a blonde in a hamster ball. --- Veronica: So, if you have is password... Keith: Which I do. I looked over his shoulder once when he was signing on. Veronica: He should know: you never log in with a Mars nearby. Keith: Woody's got a Sharks team dinner tomorrow night, a whole table reserved for the Goodman family, the coast should be clear. Veronica: Actually, it won't be. Gia is having her number one study buddy over. So... Keith: Veronica. Veronica: What? Why should you break in when I'm invited? Woody'll be at the dinner, and...we both know: if it came down to it, I could take Gia. The password. Give it. Keith: You'll remember it. It's "Mr. Goodwood." Veronica: I'm so not touching his keyboard. --- Logan: You know, if you'd would've given Lilly the performance you gave today, she might've given you the Oscar. --- Veronica: Hey, Cassidy. Who's Amber? Cassidy: I have no idea. Veronica: They keyed the wrong car? How's Amber gonna know that she's a bitch? --- Gia: Oh my God! Veronica: Doesn't look that bad. Gia: No, I'm on MySpace, and I used to have like a thousand friends, and suddenly for some reason now I only have nine hundred something. --- Ethan Lavoie: Is that why you propositioned Mr. Echolls upon discovering the tape of Lilly and my client kissing? Veronica: You mean naked kissing? With Aaron on top gyrating? That tape? --- Lamb: You wanted to see me, Judge? Judge Ferris: There's been a development, Sheriff. Seems Mr. Lobo here was struck by a bolt of lighting. Lamb: What, that he could cash old ladies' social security checks himself and get rid of the slot machines? --- Weevil: This is pointless. Cassidy: No, okay, look. So you know quadratic equations, right? Weevil: Do I look like someone who knows quadratic equations, huh? --- Cassidy: All right, look, so this equation here: what do you think that we should do first? Weevil: Am I a five year-old girl? Huh? Lay it out for me, dawg, come on. Make me understand! Cassidy: Okay, okay, okay! Okay. Okay, so let's say that you and your buddy, you want to buy a twelve pack of a certain item. Say, like, um, like spark plugs, for x dollars, and you want to find out how many of another item, like, um, I dunno, like oil, right, like oil that you can get for the same amount, except oil is y times as much as— Weevil: If this is your idea of terms I'll understand, I'm going to kill you. Or myself. It's a toss-up. Screw it, man, I'll just cheat. Cassidy: No, but — what about my car? Weevil: You know power buffers, right? Well, let's say your door panel is a summer home, right, and you need to clear out the south lawn to make a tennis court so— Mac: F-O-I-L. That's all it is. First, outside, inside, last. All algebra, it's just the formula. Weevil: Now can you teach me that? Mac: You'll still fix his car? Weevil: That's the deal. Mac: Okay. Say you and your buddy buy a twelve pack of spark plugs... I'm just kidding. Here's the quadratic equation. --- Keith: Veronica? Veronica: Yeah? Keith: Can you fly to New York, stop by NYU real quick, find Rick Pickett, and see if he was one of the batboys Woody molested? Veronica: You know I don't fly coach. --- Woody: Most adults don't have their children doing espionage work for them. Keith: Most adults keep their hands off of other people's children. --- Veronica: I want to ask you about something. Logan: How unlike you. You never come to me out of the blue with some random question. --- Weevil: 'Kay, you put another "x" on that paper and we're gonna have a problem. Mac: I'd put little smiley faces, but I don't know if that's gonna sell "wrong." Cassidy: I told you you went too fast on bouncing equations. Mac: I didn't go too fast. Cassidy: You plowed right through! I didn't understand what you were talking about! Mac: No surprise there. Cassidy: What, are you saying you're smarter than me? Mac: No, I wasn't. Here's what that would've sounded like: "I'm smarter than you." Hear the difference? Cassidy: You don't really believe that. Mac: Then why'd I get it tattooed on my hip? Cassidy: Well, if this is what you need to do to feel better about yourself... Mac: If I get you an A, will you shiv him? Weevil: Hey, I got an idea: how 'bout you two geniuses go work out your aggression in some coat room, and then come back here and teach me algebra, huh? --- Wallace: I just took my last high school test ever. Done. Over. I'm outta here. Veronica: And you decided to celebrate by torturing me? Wallace: Whatta you got? One more? Veronica: Nothing like having your future rest on how much you know about the ascendency rules of Babylon. Wallace: Well, I gotta go clean out my locker. Veronica: You got that salmon I left in there for you, right? Wallace: You better enjoy this, 'cause this is as nostalgic as I get. I just wanted to say...it was worth getting taped to a pole. Not Pictured Veronica: Posted today: Meg's dad offering twenty grand for the capture of Woody Goodman. Keith: Well, I'm sure someone'll get him. Veronica: Didn't you say something about "we have a business to run"? Shouldn't you be out hunting him down like the dog he is? Keith: I also said something about us being people with lives. See, I have this kid who's gonna graduate from high school, I don't want to miss it. Veronica: This is Woody Goodman. He blew up a bus and molested children. Keith: Guess I'm just sentimental. --- Veronica: When the management gives you free cake, you're supposed to eat it. I thought you were prepared for Jackie going. Wallace: Never figured it'd go down like this. Veronica: She left you a note? Wallace: "But I was afraid if I saw you, I wouldn't be able get on the plane. I'll always..." Well, then it's just a bunch of private stuff. What can you do about that? Veronica: You could use a method time-tested by women throughout the ages: gorge on cake. --- Vinnie: So, 'course you know about the bounty on this Goodman guy. Keith: I'm aware of it, yes. Vinnie: Twenty G's. That's big boy money. Gonna be a lot of top guys out there for it. I had a thought: we team up. Mars and Vanlowe, pool our resources, split the cash. Keith: Sheriff got you on video breaking into Woody's house. Vinnie: Johnny Law don't know what I got. Keith: Whatta you got? Vinnie: All his records. Tax, medical, corporate, the whole enchilada. We nail him, we split sixty-forty. I'm the sixty, by the way. Keith: Fifty-fifty. If the stuff you got pans out, and no action until after my daughter's graduation. Vinnie: I'm in jail! I deserve sixty. ...I risk my life to bring a fugitive to justice and you're giving me World's Tiniest Violin. Keith: Guess I'm just heartless --- Keith: Seasonal allergies, bad arches...and he had the clap. Hm. Treated twice for chlamydia. Didn't see that in his campaign material. Bingo: heart arrhythmia. Veronica: So that's our strategy? Just wait for him to drop dead? Keith: He has to take a pill every day. There any way you could find out Gia Goodman's cell phone access code? Veronica: Gia's cell? Keith: Woody's lawyer's also an old college buddy of his. If he'd call anyone, it'd be him. If we had Gia's code and could forward her calls... Veronica: I guarantee you she hasn't changed it from the factory default. --- Veronica: So how's the Sheriff business? Keith: Pretty sweet. We got Otis sleeping it off in cell one and Lamb has to wear the Clete the Crime-Fighting Canine costume to all the elementary schools this week. --- Dick: Guess who's going commando? Duncan: Must we? --- Veronica: Anyone know...Wallace Fenn-el? Duncan: I do, he's in my P.E. class. Awesome baller. I think he works at Sac 'N' Pac. Veronica: Awesome baller...that doesn't really help me. Can you point him out? Dick: You didn't hear what happened to him? Sac 'N' Pac got held up when he was working. The robber forced him into the walk-in cooler, he got frostbite. Duncan: Yeah. Dude lost three fingers. Veronica: Oh my God, that's awful! [Duncan and Dick laugh] Logan: Aw sweetie, I love you, but you have to be the most gullible girl I've ever met. Veronica: I'm trusting. Sue me. --- Wallace: So...looking forward to getting out of here? Veronica: I guess. I don't know. High school was a blast. Right? Wallace: Oh. You're one of those. Veronica: What's that supposed to mean? Wallace: Nothing. Have a good life. I'm sure you will. --- Veronica: Tell me about everything! Tell me about this new guy, tell me about Vasser... Lilly: Guy is gone. There was a little disagreement about fooling around with his ex. Veronica: That bastard. Lilly: Oh, no no, it was um, it was me. I kinda fooled around with his ex. I mean, you'd think that guys would dig that, right? ...What? It's college, it's expected. You'll see. --- Veronica: I don't know if I like the idea of you running around a place full of armed, drunk businessmen. Keith: That's why I rarely go to Texas. --- Mac: Guess what? Veronica: What? Mac: Beaver got us a room at the Neptune Grand for tonight. Veronica: Ooh la la. Mac: Any advice? Veronica: Close your eyes and think of England? --- Clemmons: I can't decide if my life is going to be easier or more difficult with you gone. Anything I should know in case I get another one like you someday? Veronica: Don't keep all your passwords taped on the bottom of your stapler. And stay cool, Mr. C. --- Veronica: New York? Keith: We leave Tuesday! Veronica: Broadway, SoHo, the MoMA? Keith: Yankee Stadium, Shea Stadium, Madison Square Garden.  --- Dick: Put on your dancing shoes, Mars, 'cause tonight we're gonna up-chuck the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie to beat. Veronica: Up...chuck? Dick: You heard me. --- Jackie: Hello? Veronica: What, no "bonjour"? Jackie: Veronica? How did you know? Veronica: Well, first, three point one GPA? Doesn't scream Sorbonne. And the Java job — you're a pretty good service industry worker for the daughter of a model living on the Upper West Side who never held a job before. I've known for a while. Jackie: Look, I might've lied about my life, but I swear I never lied to Wallace about how I felt. Veronica: Whatever you told him, it really did the trick, because he just got on a plane to Paris. The good news is, he has a four-hour layover at JFK, so you can go tell him the truth before he's forced to endure several ugly days of rude waiters for nothing. --- Logan: What are you doing here? Aaron: Well, I need a place to stay. How are the suites? Logan: Well, probably an improvement over your previous digs. Might be a little weird, though: I don't think any of the other guests killed anyone. --- Dick: Chug! Chug! Chug! Oh! That's what I'm talkin' about! Feels good to be a man from time to time, does it not? Cassidy: Yes. Dick: Enbom! Get over here! Mac: All I ask is that you don't follow that performance with a belch. Cassidy: Do you wanna go check out the room? Mac: It's liquid! It's courage! It's liquid courage! --- Veronica: Where's your brother? Dick: I think he took Ghost World up to his room. They're probably up there makin' love. Or playing Dungeons and Dragons. Or both. At the same time. They're both, like, twelfth-level dorks. Just sayin'. --- Aaron: Hello, Veronica. Well, don't look so surprised. It's a small town. Now that I'm no longer in jail, we might just run into each other from time to time. Veronica: I'll have to pay better attention to where I'm going, then. Aaron: Well, it's a free country. Those founding fathers were really onto something. Freedom. Ah, it's pretty damn sweet. I like it. Veronica: So did Lilly. Bummer you murdered her. Aaron: You know, I can see why the two of you were such good friends. You're so much alike. Not afraid to speak your minds. You know, that just might be the best part about the day I smashed her head in with an ashtray. Knowing that once and for all, she would finally shut the hell up. --- Logan: Beaver, don't! Cassidy: My name...is Cassidy! Logan: Cassidy, don't! Cassidy: Why not? ...That's what I thought. --- Aaron: Have I told you how much I love...freedom? Kendall: I like it too. And any more freedoming tonight and I'm gonna need a wheelchair. --- Duncan: CW? Wiedman: It's a done deal. --- Keith: I wasn't on the plane. Lamb didn't want me arriving with Woody, getting met by the press, so he had them take me off the plane at the last minute. I rented a car, I drove home. I was a little surprised to find, you know, Logan on the couch, but it was better than finding him elsewhere, right? --- Keith: I can feel it already: the little town blues are melting away. You all packed? Veronica: Vagabond shoes and all. And pepper spray. For if we run into that Trump character. Keith: You sure you don't want to drive with the old man? Veronica: Logan's giving me a ride. We're supposed to "talk." Keith: How'd he take, um...what happened? Veronica: Shrugs it off. Calls himself "Little Orphan Annie." Which I think means, badly. --- Veronica: What are you doing? Logan: I'm not gonna see you for a whole week. That's like, a month. --- Kendall: Aw, young love. No, no, hold that position. Norman Rockwell wants to come in and paint you two. Did he pin on his pin, or was he too shy? Veronica: Why are you here? Logan: Yeah, I didn't know you could come out during daylight hours. Kendall: I have a business proposition for your father. Veronica: Okay, but I'm warning you: he doesn't carry much cash.