Kelvin: I just got kicked out of athletics for my entire senior year. I failed the mandatory drug test.

Veronica: So what's new, Kelvin? You failed it last year, too, if I remember correctly.

Kelvin: Yeah, but I'm clean now, for goin' on ten months.

Veronica: Give me your hands, look into my eyes, and swear to that fact.

Kelvin: Veronica, I swear that there is no possible way I could've failed that drug test.

Veronica: Hm.

Kelvin: So am I lyin'?

Veronica: I don't know.

Kelvin: Then what was all that for?

Veronica: I just wanted to see if you'd do it.

---

Veronica: You were very convincing, but I don't do that kind of work anymore.

Kelvin: So who's supposed to help me out, then?

Veronica: Encyclopedia Brown? I hear he's good.

Kelvin: I guess it's true what they say about you then, huh?

Veronica: Probably, but you're gonna have to narrow it down for me.

---

Veronica Voiceover: Suffice to say, I've got plenty of material for any back-to-school "What I did last summer" essay I'm asked to write.

---

Wallace: You didn't call me back last night.

Veronica: Don't go gettin' all girl on me.

---

Wallace: I failed my drug test. I'm booted from athletics for the whole year.

Veronica: You don't do drugs.

Wallace: No duh, Sherlock. And it wasn't just me. Five of us total failed — and Jimmy Day, our starting quarterback, he passed it. And everybody saw him blazin' one up down on the boardwalk.

---

Wallace: So you'll help?

Veronica: Do you even have to ask? Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in...

---

Veronica: Hey, what period do you have office aide this year? Wallace: Believe it or not, I didn't sign up for a second year of office aide. Veronica: Yeah, that doesn't work for me. Wallace: Well, you can take that up with Moms. She had these crazy ideas about me havin' a well-rounded education. But, don't underestimate me. The master key. Yeah. And I got all the administrative passwords I could get my hands on. Veronica: Ooh, you're good. Wallace: You know, you know. I get all my criminal tendencies from you. --- Veronica: Got any enemies you know about? Wallace: Well, there's the Klan. Veronica: This is not really their M.O. Wallace: I guess that leaves everybody that hates you. --- Kelvin: This kid, a sophomore, they call him Butters. You know, he was climbing the pegboard in gym class before PE last year. Tryin' to show off. It pissed me off. Veronica: So? Kelvin: So I pantsed him! It was hysterical! Veronica: Wow, you're cool. --- Veronica: I heard that you were kicked off the cheerleading squad. Meg: Yeah, but you know me, I'm a major stoner. It was really affecting me, too, I was like, "Let's go! Let's go! L-E-T-S...duh..." --- Veronica: Can you think of anyone who might have done this to you? Meg: Well, there is this one person. I used to think she was a friend, but, uh...but yeah, yeah, now that I think about it, she'd have no reservations and she definitely has the talent to pull it off. Let me know if you have any luck tracking her down, 'kay? --- Wallace: Did you learn anything today? Veronica: Kelvin Moore, while giving up his pot-smoking ways, has not given up being an obnoxious jackwad. --- Veronica: I know a 24-year-old floozie who thinks you're hot. Keith: This floozie, did you get her digits? Wallace: Hey, all right now, don't make me have to go home and tell my mama. Keith: Wallace, your mother and I have an understanding. Veronica: You do? Keith: Yes, and it's this: I behave myself, and she doesn't leave me. So please, tell her nothing, other than I worship the ground on which she treads. Wallace: I'm leavin' now. Keith: The ground on which she treads. You might want to write that down. Wallace: Got it. --- Keith: So. Senior year. How was your first day of school, honey? Veronica: Great. I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money, and then skipped out after lunch. Keith: What, no premarital sex? Veronica: Oh. Yeah. Yes. But don't worry, Dad — I swear you're gonna like these guys. Keith: That's my girl. Veronica: I missed you. Keith: Ah, I missed you too. Now where's my turkey pot pie, woman? --- Veronica: Butters? Vincent: "Butters" is the name of the weak, loser suck-up on South Park. "Butters" implies soft, fat... Veronica: But oh so delicious. Vincent: My given name is Vincent. Veronica: I hear you were pantsed in gym last spring, Vincent. Vincent: Are you requesting a private viewing? Veronica: And now, the guy who pantsed you and all the people who might have chuckled end up kicked off athletics for the year. Curious. Vincent: Justice. It can be a bitch. Veronica: You're playing a dangerous game. Kelvin will take your head off if I tell him you're the reason he's off football this year. Vincent: You know what? I don't think he will. Hey, Pop. Clemmons: Son. ---  Wallace: Permanent files are in that brownish-beige filing cabinet. Veronica: I can't believe after a year of working here you don't know the make and model of the filing cabinet. Wallace: Yeah, it is hard to believe. Usually, memorizing that information is the first thing I do when I enter a room containing a filing cabinet. --- Veronica: Scary, isn't it? The lax security? What if someone was trying to alter your permanent file? Wallace: We're trying to alter it, right now. Veronica: Alter it back. There's a difference. Wallace: Alter it back. Cool. I was wondering where we were drawing that ethical line this year. --- Wallace: So there's no alterations, there's no forgery... Veronica: So it appears. Wallace: So I'm screwed, basically. Veronica: Unless...the results were accurate. Wallace: [Rastafarian accent] Yeah, mon. Maybe I smoke so much ganja, I don't even remembah doin' it. --- Veronica: Eat any mystery brownies lately? Wallace: Spirit b—! [quieter] Spirit boxes! The day of the Back to School Athletics Banquet, there were spirit boxes in our lockers. There weren't any brownies in there, but there were cookies. Veronica: Did you eat one? Wallace: I ate six. Veronica: That's my Wallace. --- Veronica: My dad is probably watching us through a telescope. Logan: He's probably impressed with your virtue. Veronica: ...And that telescope is mounted on a rifle. Logan: [mouthing] Five more minutes. --- Logan: You should feel lucky. I mean, you could be out here with some pretty boy jerk just lookin' to get laid. Veronica: Wait. What are you saying, you're not pretty? Logan: What I'm trying to say is, I'm in love with you. Veronica: The things guys'll say to get past second base... --- Veronica: [knocking] Are you done yet? Wallace: It is never going to happen if you keep doin' that! Veronica: I see. Stage fright? I'm making you nervous. Well, according to the box we only need a few drops and it'll test for cocaine, steroids, pot... Keith: What's up, honey? Veronica: Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample. Keith: Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls? --- Veronica: If I know the name of a corporation, how do I find out the names of its shareholders? Keith: You get the strangest homework in health class. Veronica: Can you keep your trap shut if we tell you why we need it? No running off and telling your girlfriend. Keith: Agreed. Veronica: Wallace has been kicked out of athletics for his entire senior year for failing the mandatory drug test. But Wallace is clean. See for yourself. Keith: Himah-oah-ah...I take your word for it. --- Wallace: So what's the plan? Veronica: We're gonna scare 'em. Wallace: How is that gonna help me? Veronica: Well...it'll be fun. --- Veronica: She's taking anyone from newspaper, yearbook, and broadcast news class who wants to tour Shark field tomorrow. Wallace: Wow. I can't believe you're going. Veronica: I like baseball. Wallace: Yeah, but you don't like people. Veronica: I love people. I'm a people person! --- Logan: My sister is negotiating with networks to sell her version of the Aaron Echolls story. I think the sticking point is she's insisting she play herself. The producers, on the other hand, are insisting on Tara Reid. Veronica: Trina wasn't even around. Logan: Who do you suppose cares? I always wanted a TV movie version of my life. Hey, you think they could get Tom Welling to play me? Veronica: Dream on. --- Dick: Logan! And Logan's special lady friend who I approve of wholeheartedly and without reservation. --- Dick: Don't make me go in there and get all Ordinary People on you, Beav. Beaver: The older brother drowns, dumbass. --- Kendall: Welcome home, children. How was school? Who wants a Rice Krispie treat? Beaver: Gee, Mom, you're the best, but I'll pass. Kendall: Hm. Beaver: You met Mumsie, right? Dick: The club, the clambake. Remember? God, you're retarded. Beaver: And yet it's a miracle that I managed to score 400 points higher than you on my SATs, huh? Kendall: Now boys, you don't want me to tell your father you couldn't play nice. Logan: Uh, I want a Rice Krispie treat. Kendall: Go make it yourself then, kid. Do I look like a cook? --- Logan: Ah, young love. Duncan: You're coming on the field trip? I figured you and the other Jets would be rumbling with the Sharks. Logan: Cool it, Action. --- Dick: Miss Dumbass! Miss Dumas: It's "du-mahs," Dick. Dick: Well, my name's pronounced "Ree-shard," and it stinks back here. --- Dick: Hey, who's the lovely young flower blossoming into womanhood? Duncan: Let me guess: you want to pluck her. --- Woody Goodman: Why do I love baseball? The home run. The long ball. I'll admit it: I'm no purist. Give me an 11 to 9 slugfest and I'm in heaven. Beaver: Ah, so that's why Sharks pitching sucks. --- Veronica: You never played Little League? Duncan: Oh. Well, Mom was afraid that a ball would hit me in the face, Dad was afraid it would interfere with mock U.N., and I was afraid I couldn't hit a curveball. Veronica: I'm afraid you're going to get love handles if you eat all that. Duncan: I have an excellent metabolism. Veronica: Well then, it's official: I hate you. --- Dick: Hey. We're not takin' that stank-ass bus back to Neptune. My dad's sending a limo. Would you and your girlfriend — whose quick wit I find enchanting — like to take a trip back in style? Miss Dumbass said it was cool. Duncan: Hell yeah. Veronica: ...Fine. Dick: Cool. Veronica: I feel dirty. Duncan: "Dirty" one "r," or two "r"'s? --- Duncan: You don't owe her anything. You didn't do anything to her. Veronica: You are so not a girl. --- Terrence: So who's your favorite player? Veronica: Um... Duncan: Tell him. Be honest. Terrence: It's Johnny Damon, isn't it? Veronica: He's so pretty. --- Weevil: What are you doin' here, huh? Shouldn't you be running for homecoming queen or something? Veronica: I'm safe standing here, right? I mean, you're not going to shoot me, are you? Driver Ed Veronica Voiceover: If a school bus, traveling forty miles per hour, drives off a cliff and plunges ninety feet into the jagged coastline, how many seconds did the six high school students, their teacher, and bus driver have to contemplate the fact that they're about to die? Two Mississipis' worth of screams, life flashes, and prayers, maybe? But if anyone used that time to make a deal with his maker, only one of them was heard. --- Jackie: When you guys are done breaking up, can I get a macchiato? Veronica: I'm actually just the hostess, but I — Jackie: Look, I don't care if you're the house magician, can you just make me a macchiato? Veronica: You're a macchiato. --- Jessie: You know who I am, right? Veronica: I do. Jessie: Just out of curiosity, did you know who I was last week? Veronica: Nope. Jessie: Your dad drives one bus off a cliff, and your days of being under the radar are over. Veronica: I'm sorry, did you want something? Jessie: Yeah, so...I need proof that my father didn't kill himself. I have a mother, and a little brother, and we've become accustomed to having a place to live and, like, food. --- Woody: Sportsmanship. That's what it's all about, isn't it? It's what separates us from the animals. That and, uh...opposable thumbs. --- Keith: I can't imagine where I'd be if you had gotten back on that bus. Veronica: You'd be sad for a while, and then you'd probably turn my room into some sort of sewing nook or yoga studio. Keith: You don't have to make a joke, you know. Veronica: Sure I do. --- Jackie: Thanks for taking me. I don't know what I would have done. This school is sooooo big. Wallace: You know, I'm just trying to be a nice guy. Jackie: How's that working out for you? Wallace: I'm getting about three hallways' worth of quality time. I'm gonna say it's going pretty good. Jackie: Look, I haven't dated a guy in high school since the eighth grade. Wallace: I'm an old soul. Seriously, these eyes have seen things. Did I mention I'm a nice guy? Jackie: Ah, "nice." The great pantydropper! Wallace: Okay, I'm not that nice. Jackie: Oh, yes you are. Wallace: How do you know? Jackie: 'Cause, I haven't tried to make out with you yet. Wallace: Oh, you're one of those. Only like the bad boys. Why do all the hottest girls always have a daddy complex? Jackie: Daddy complex? Wallace: What? I was kidding. Jackie: I met you about three seconds ago and you've already got me analyzed. Get over yourself. Wallace: Jackie, I'm sorry, I was kidding. Jackie: A "Whatever, bitch" and a 180 back to study hall and we could have had something. --- Logan: Afternoon delight? Ooh, considerably better than fifth-period English. Kendall: Ugh, you need to not remind me you're in high school. There's an ick factor. Logan: Is that so? Kendall: Yeah. School in general, not very hot. Unless I'm wearing a naughty schoolgirl uniform. Then it's very hot. Logan: I'm sure it would be, for the three seconds you had it on. Kendall: You know, you're my first younger guy. Logan: Oh. It is an honor and a privilege. --- Wallace: Whatcha doin'? Veronica: Remebering why I'm a misanthrope. --- Duane: Be careful going around those cliffs. Don't pull a Bussy, please. You're too cute to die. --- Veronica: Either I am getting stealthier or your hearing is not what it used to be. --- Veronica: I have excellent time management skills, I'm also great with people, and I have a very soothing phone voice. Sacks: You're serious? Veronica: As a code three on a one eighty-seven in a res dist. ---

Student: This chick just came out of nowhere, slammed into it. Just pow!

Wallace: You know who it was?

Student: Some blonde chick. She had a nice ass, but I'd never seen her before.

Wallace: See, but now if that's all you got, I gotta go look at every decent-assed blonde chick in the school.

---

Lamb: What are you up to, Veronica?

Veronica: The last question, actually. "Why do you want this position?" Honestly, and really tell me the truth: how much of an ass-kiss would I be if I admit it's to be close to you? Seriously. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you're near?

---

Wallace: Wallace Fennel is on the case. You know what that means?

Jackie: That Wallace Fennel wants to get in my pants.

Wallace: And? What else?

Jackie: That's all I've got.

Wallace: It's already solved.

---

Big Dick: Well, it's a good way to let off some steam, but when you're at the point where you want to shoot someone, you want to take them down, you don't want to wing 'em. Heart, and head. That's where it counts.

Logan: Ain't that the truth.

Big Dick: You need focus. Precision. The ability to only think about the task at hand. When I'm working, my family doesn't exist. Sound awful?

Logan: Mmm, no.

Big Dick: It's not. Because when I'm with my family, work doesn't exist.

Logan: I think my father has a similar philosophy. Yeah. Of course, he's a murderer, so...yeah.

---

Logan: Dude, have you forgotten? I live alone.

Dick: Yeah, but only psycho chicks want to go to Casa de Killer.

---

Veronica: If I die unexpectedly, do me a favor. Go on Oprah, and tell the world I loved kittens.

---

Logan: Hmm. What's different about you? Did you cut your hair or something? FYI, if the cuddling is the best part, he didn't do it right.

---

Veronica Voicever: Okay. I know my father is a brilliant detective with a keen intuition and a finely-tuned B.S. detector, but there is no way he can tell that I've had sex. Right?

Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang 

Veronica Voiceover: Senior year. College applications due in three months, scholarship applications in six. Since most of my extracurricular activities cannot be divulged under state law, my guidance counselor strongly suggested I indulge in a little résumé packing. So as of now, Veronica Mars is a Future Business Leader of America.

---

Veronica: So who are we exploiting now?

Duncan: The workers.

Veronica: Exxccellent.

---

Sacks: Sheriff wants to ask you some questions.

Veronica: My answer was final: I will not go to prom with him.

---

Lamb: So I guess you know why you're here. You wanna tell me about it?

Veronica: Okay. I confess. God, you're good! I have no idea why I'm here. But I'm sure my dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crimebusting stare for no apparent reason.

Lamb: He didn't need to know that you were here. You're eighteen now, kiddo. You're an adult.

Veronica: Well that makes one of us. So are you going to tell me why I'm here, or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly constipated David Caruso?

Lamb: What can you tell me about your relationship with this man?

Veronica: Ah, yes. I remember that summer. He was a roadie for White Snake, I was singing backup for BoyzIIMen. They said it would never work, but —

Lamb: I'm glad that you find this amusing.

---

Veronica: Ugh! Child in the room, hands at your sides, please.

---

Veronica Voiceover: Kendall Lacey Casablancas. Née Lacey Shifflet. Just another Arizona State dropout turned featured music video background dancer turned Laker girl living off a ten thousand dollar a year salary, a purse full of credit cards, and a string of baller boyfriends. Until a twice-divorced white knight swept her away to bimbo paradise. And for a true Hollywood story without the happy ending, David "Curly" Moran: one time stuntman who crashed his career in the '80s. Just remember kids, crystal meth and precision driving don't mix.

---

Wallace: What're you lookin' at?

Veronica: Just...tawdriness.

Wallace: ...What're you lookin' at now?

Veronica: The opposite of tawdriness. Wallace and his pudding cup.

---

Wallace: Hey. I like her, okay? Retract claws.

Veronica: Claws? What claws?

---

Mr. Pope: Congratulations FBLAers, you are now worth exactly one million dollars!

Logan: What? You mean I've lost money? Heads will roll.

---

Mr. Pope: I would've retired earlier, but actually, the, uh, the restoration's been tricky. We had to re-seal the hull twice.

Logan: Didn't plug her right the first time, huh?

---

Duncan: Veronica, it's no big deal. Just what guys do sometimes.

Veronica: I don't think Colin Firth gets into these pointless fisticuffs. A pistol duel, maybe, but...

---

Alicia: So what do you think the kids are doing right now?

Keith: As long as they're not in jail or setting anything on fire, I kinda don't care.

---

Jackie: Hey, Veronica.

Veronica: Hey, Jackie. And...random dude.

---

Kendall: "Veronica"? Is my little boy cheating on me?

Logan: It's just someone from school.

Kendall: Ooh, a schoolgirl.

Logan: Yeah.

Kendall: Should we invite her over? I got a boy toy; a girl toy might spice things up a little.

Logan: I can handle the spice department, thank you very much.

---

Veronica: I love what you've done with the place.

Logan: Yeah. Yeah, now you know what you were missing.

Veronica: Is your girlfriend still here?

Logan: Girlfriend? Girlfriend, uh, you have to be a little more specific.

Veronica: Let me clarify: the one whose husband is gonna break you in half when he finds out that his son's old Cub Scout camperee buddy is secretly plowing his wife.

Logan: Aha. That one is less a girlfriend and more a...playmate. Kind of.

Veronica: I hope you're scared on the inside, Logan. What if I had been Mr. Casablancas? What would you have done then, huh? Just standing here in your towel and your room still reeking of bimbo?

Logan: I suppose I woulda had some 'splainin' to do.

Green-Eyed Monster

Keith: You're supposed to be here organizing the office, not soliciting clients. Maybe you haven't noticed, I'm running for sheriff? I can't even get to the cases I already have.

Veronica: Well, maybe I could help. Just with the little stuff, nothing that requires body armor.

Keith: Veronica, you don't work here. You work at Java the Hut.

Veronica: Yeah, that tip money's going to pay for Stanford.

---

Veronica Voiceover: The only way I'd ever make two grand in a week working at the Hut is if they installed a pole.

---

Julie: Aren't you awfully young to be doing this?

Veronica: It's amazing — I never get tired of that question.

---

Keith: I was out early doing some surveillance, thought I'd stop by, say hi, and send the Fennel men to school with a belly full of sugar.

Wallace: Keith Mars for sheriff.

---

Veronica: My dad spend the night at your place?

Wallace: Yep.

Veronica: He do the a.m. donut fakeout run?

Wallace: Want one?

---

Keith: Smile! Oh, yeah. Work it! Work it! Work it!

Nathan: You're gonna be pullin' that camera outta your —

Keith: Ah, ah. The light's much better where you're standing.

Nathan: Keith Mars. Former sheriff, private detective, author.

Keith: Wow. Carl Morgan. Three years in Lompoc, assault and battery, cocaine possession, intent to sell. We should really give our publicists pats on the back.

---

Veronica: Ruh-roh.

---

Veronica: Julie! Stand down. He's not cheating on you — he's with a rabbi.

Julie: A rabbi? He's not Jewish, I'm Jewish!

Veronica: ...Are you there yet?

---

Veronica Voiceover: Every day. That's what Meg's dad said. What's Duncan doing at the hospital?

[phone rings]

Julie: Do you think he still loves her?

Veronica: I don't know. ...What? Who is this?

---

Veronica: It's 2:27 in the morning. The Silver package has its perks, but post-midnight girl talk is not one of them.

Julie: What if I get an upgrade? What comes after Silver?

Veronica: Psycho?

Julie: What?

Veronica: Gold, Julie. It's three thousand dollars.

---

Weevil: Yo, Martha. I heard you took a ride downtown behind the one-eighty-seven. So did you flop for the cops or did the local Wapner hook you up with some ankle bling?

Veronica: You know the deal, cuz. Every time a kiddie cries in this town, one-time tries to put a case on me. Speaking of bling, what's up with the hoops? If I rub your head, do I get three wishes?

Weevil: You rub my head and you might want to make seeing tomorrow your first wish.

---

Veronica: Where's that disco ball you usually wear?

Weevil: It's probably deep in some chick's shag carpet.

Veronica: You think?

Weevil: Yeah.

Veronica: 'Cause I'm guessing more like...an evidence bag in the sheriff's office.

---

Veronica: My question, and I'm betting it's the Sheriff's, is what was your earring doing at the Road Hog, in the last place Curly Moran was seen alive.

Weevil: You know, I don't even know what earring you're talkin' about, so...

Veronica: It's kinda like the one in your yearbook photo. Hmm, sheriff's department speed dial. If this doesn't get me out of that jaywalking ticket...

---

Weevil: Look, should I be expecting a visit from Lamb? If I know I'm being brought in, I'll put on my good underwear, you know?

Veronica: You should really do that anyway.

---

Jackie: You didn't ask how high.

Wallace: What?

Jackie: Didn't Goldilocks say "jump?"

Wallace: It is not even like that.

Jackie: What's it like?

Wallace: We're friends, Jackie. If she needs me, I'm gonna come through, just like she would for me.

Jackie: Right. I guess you have different rules here. Where I'm from, the girl who you make out with is the one you do favors for. I may have to have a chat with Miss Pixie Stick.

Wallace: I wouldn't do that. She's not somebody you want to piss off.

Jackie: Neither am I.

---

Wallace: Do you own those clothes or did you just make a stop at Dirty Co-Eds 'R' Us?

---

Veronica: Somebody's a big movie buff, I see. Quick, favorite movie of all time. Don't think about it, just answer.

Collin: Oh, I don't know. That's...that's a hard one. This really isn't my place, actually, I'm just housesitting for my friend.

Veronica: Your friend a big Nicolas Cage fan?

Collin: My friend is Nic Cage.

Veronica: Really? Nic Cage. That's hot.

---

Wallace: Uh, hi. Would you like to help the hungry...starving children of...the world?

Collin: I'm sorry, are you selling something?

Wallace: Yes! I am. I'm selling, um...pens and...candy.

Collin: I'll take a couple of boxes of candy.

Wallace: All I got is this box of Ay, Chihuahuas.

Collin: That box is open.

Wallace: You want a couple pens?

---

Veronica: Have you had dinner?

Duncan: Nah, I'm tired of room service.

Veronica: Then may I suggest dim sum...and then some?

---

Duncan: What if we start the evening with "and then some" and work our way back to the dim sum?

Veronica: It's officially under consideration. Can I ask you something first?

Duncan: Yes to costumes, no to props. Does that cover it?

---

Veronica: Oh, sorry, should I hide in the bedroom like a hooker? Perfect!

---

Lizzie: I don't have the password, but we have to get her personal stuff off this computer and put it back by morning.

Duncan: Okay, so...what do you want me to do?

Lizzie: You're the son of a computer visionary. Can't you do something?

Duncan: I can burn a CD?

---

Veronica: Hi, Lizzie. ...Okay, so apparently looks really can't kill. --- Mac: I have to say, it is a little comforting. I haven't snuck out of my house at 3 a.m. in a while. Nice to know I still have the chops. --- Veronica Voiceover: Are you crazy, Duncan? Leaving this out here in the open? Do you leave heroin out when Iggy Pop spends the night?  --- Keith: Here. Can you file this under cases I don't have time for that my disobedient daughter can take behind my back? Veronica: I'm really sorry. Keith: For what? Taking the case, or getting caught? Veronica: Okay, for both. I just thought it was crazy to pass up that amount of money, and I thought I could handle it. Keith: You always think you can handle it, Veronica! Believe it or not, at eighteen you can't handle everything. And you don't get away with it all, either. Veronica: I know. Keith: Whether it's playing I Spy after school or staying out all night at your boyfriend's hotel room. You're just not quite as clever as you think you are.  ---

Veronica: Can I guess? You got a sweet love hangover and you don't need no cure.

---

Mr. Wu: As you know, Homecoming season is upon us.

Veronica: Much like the plague.

---

Corny: I'd like to nominate Veronica Mars!

Ashley Banks: Like, ironically?

Corny: Yeah, she's badass, smokin' hot, and overall nice to come home to.

Logan: Hm, Zippy the Pinhead with a smashing idea.

Ashley Banks: My ass'd make a better Homecoming Queen.

Mandy: We should nominate Veronica. She deserves it. Remember when she helped me find my dog? She was totally nice to me even though we barely knew each other. Plus, she found Polly the parrot last year.

Logan: Veronica Mars: saving the world, one pointless act at a time.

---

Veronica: You are aware that "blanketing the electorate" is like a figure of speech? ...What's that smell?

Keith: A buddy of mine in sanitation called. One of his crews found those in a dumpster downtown.

Veronica: At least Lamb has the sense not to use the dumpster behind the sheriff's department.

---

Keith: Ahhh, look, Veronica, your father's campaign is riding on a gravy train with biscuit wheels. Woody's numbers guys just called to say I've got a twelve-point lead. I don't need to roll around in the mud with Lamb.

Veronica: In that case, it sounds like you don't need a photographer from the Neptune Navigator who knows how to shoot your good side?

Keith: I got nothing but good sides, baby.

---

Madame Sophie: Your grandma wants me to remind you that you're a risk taker, with an...if-it-feels-good-do-it approach to love. You're, uh, supercharged, you're wired, you're ready for action.

Jackie: That lady oughta know — she was married four times.

---

Veronica: Lip balm? It's a surge of lip-quenching fruit flavor.

---

Wallace: How many kneecaps did you break to make that happen?

Veronica: Only like four. The people have spoken, my friend.

---

Logan: There's always Winter Carnival. (gasp) Veronica can be a Ice Princess!

Jackie: Can we skate on her?

---

Duncan: So I was thinking. You're an emancipated minor. I'm an emancipated minor. Maybe we should get together Thursday night. Chug cough syrup, mug some old ladies.

Logan: Oh, golly, I don't know. I was thinking about staying home, making a hope quilt for the lonely.

---

Veronica: It's weird that you live here. I don't want you going all Howard Hughes-y on me.

Duncan: I am not a shut-in. These nails? Neatly trimmed. Though, now that you mention it, I have started bottling my own urine.

Veronica: Ew.

---

Duncan: Hey, what do you say we invite some people over here for an afterparty?

Veronica: Afterparty? After what?

Duncan: The Homecoming dance? The thing after the big game?

Veronica: Oh. Tell me more of this thing you call "Homecoming."

Duncan: I haven't asked you yet. I'm such a dope. Of course I want you to go with me. You're my woman.

Veronica: See? Was that so hard? Okay, I'll be needing an orchid wristlet, preferably in the fuchsia family, a Rolls Royce limo...and some Kane Software stationery.

Duncan: Seriously? Stationery? What for?

Veronica: You're here for your looks. Why don't you leave the heavy thinking to me, sugarpants. Now go make yourself pretty.

---

Duncan: You sure you want to do this?

Logan: Does a bear wear a funny hat?

Duncan: You know this visit's all about mending fences, building bridges, and I'm afraid that my waxing your ass just isn't going to help.

Logan: Woo hoo. You talk it; let's see you walk it.

---

Veronica: Chesty LaRue. Hey, Duncan. I'm fine, I'm slathering up my boobs as we speak.

---

Wallace: You okay, Veronica?

Veronica: Compared to how your girlfriend's gonna be feeling, fan-friggin'-tastic. I hope she really got a kick out of tonight's little performance.

Wallace: What are you talking about? She was worried for you.

Veronica: If by "worried" you mean "enjoying the fruits of her evil labor," yeah.

---

Keith: Tell Wallace I'm pulling for him.

Duncan: Hm. Not feeling the Mars family love. Tough crowd.

Veronica: Oh, come on. It's like rootin' for the Yankees.

Rat Saw God

Cliff: You're out of cocktail weenies, and I'm out of cocktail.

Veronica: We're out of gin.

Cliff: I'm not particular.

News Anchor: And our latest results now show Don Lamb nosing ahead by a percent.

Cliff: Whatever it is, make it a double.

---

Dick: Dude. My stepmom?

Logan: I'm a total piece of crap.

Dick: Better you than the cable guy, I guess. And I'd be lying to say if I never perved on your mom while she was prancin' around the pool in that hardly-there bikini of hers.

Logan: Great. So, no hard feelings?

Dick: No, she gave me a few.

---

Keith: Honey, it's over. Go on to your boyfriend's party. I've got Cliff to keep me company, right Cliff?

Cliff: Right. I promise to hold his hair back if he has to make sick in the toilet.

---

Veronica: Congrats on your old man. Guess that makes you, like, Neptune's First Daughter. Are you ready for all the parade waving and ribbon cutting?

Gia: I thought I'd go more Bush twin style. You know, public drunkenness, sluttiness, minor scandals. Speaking of which, what do you think about Dick?

Veronica: Uh...Casablancas, I presume. Um, well, what can I say? Dick is just...Dick.

---

Officer: Number four, step forward!

Logan: Oh, wow, I'm stunned. You like me! You really like me! Well first, I'd just like to say the other, uh, nominees are all such wonderfully gifted criminals. And I wanna thank my agent, and my publicist, for always shooting me from the left side.

---

Mike: Well, one night we're at this club, right, one of these places that drop this foam crap on you at midnight. So we're there, we're hangin' out, they drop the foam, and...that was the last I saw of her.

Veronica: Did you check under the foam?

Mike: I had to call my parents to fly me home. It basically kind of sucked.

Veronica: Well, at least you got to go to Europe.

Mike: And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

---

Logan: So, my tax dollars at work. Where were you, getting thirds at the Crazy Girls lunch buffet?

Cliff: Actually, they discontinued the buffet. Some health code thing. Okay, my name is Cliff, I'll be your if-you-cannot-afford-an-attorney attorney. So. What are you trying to prove?

Logan: Um...my innocence?

---

Veronica: Cliff, come on, you owe me.

Cliff: I owe you? Who unconfiscated all your fake college IDs?

Veronica: Who got the Lincoln out of your ex's name?

Cliff: Well, who helped put that lien against Lee's Walk-In Donut?

Veronica: And who proved that stripper was color-blind?

Cliff: Okay, who am I calling and what am I giving them?

---

Cliff: Hello? My...my daughter's disappeared. She left her husband and ran off with some wild girlfriend, I think they got into some kind of trouble but I'm sure it's not her fault. Uh, the police said they were headed to Mexico, but no one's seen them. I just need to know if she's okay. Please, could you tell me if she's used her card?

Operator: Uh, what's the number, sir?

Cliff: Uh, oh-nine-two-two-three-three-four-six.

Logan: Isn't that Thelma and Louise?

---

Aaron: Look, Logan...I made a unforgivable mistake, but I am not a murderer.

Logan: Ohhh! So you merely plowed my girlfriend and taped it for your home collection.

---

Logan: They gave me a lawyer.

Aaron: A real lawyer, not some public servant with a mail-order diploma and a three hundred dollar suit.

Cliff: Two for five hundred, actually, but your point remains valid.

---

Veronica: This is it? I would've thought that helping your billionaire boss cover up his daughter's murder woulda snagged you a better office. Or at least a plaque.

---

Dick: If you drink it, you get a shirt.

Duncan: Why do I want a Señor Shrimp shirt?

Dick: It's a shrimp and he's saying "Eat me." It's awesome, we gotta go.

Weevil: Yeah, bro, make sure you bring cigarettes and toilet paper, 'kay? You're talkin' about visiting your buddy Logan in jail, right?

Dick: Uh, we were talkin' about Señor Shrimp.

Weevil: Well, you might wanna drop in anyway, 'cause now they got a witness to your boy killin' Felix and they're gonna hold him. Jail can be scary place for such a...sensitive boy.

Dick: Wait...did I miss a state proposition or something? Is it now a crime to kill a Mexican?

 ---

Duncan: So which is a better place: Chasers or Señor Shrimp?

Veronica: For what? Watching sorority girls stumble?

---

Logan: The best thing about two days in jail? Two days' worth of Ellen on the TiVo. That's sweet viewing.

---

Lamb: That's gonna mess up your TiVo.

---

Douglas: Okay, uh, that's a LeSabre.

Veronica: What did they call that awesome colour? It was...

Douglas: White? That's called white.

Veronica: Yup.

Douglas: Yeah. That particular car is rented right now, but I can get you a Regal with moonroof in teal for two-fifty a week, not including tax and liability, which'd be a great way to go and see Stain.

Veronica: Duh. Stain-duh. Gosh, that is more than I thought. Um, you wouldn't happen to have anything more like...forty?

Douglas: No.

Veronica: Oh.

---

Veronica: You have to help me.

Stacy: What's the problem?

Veronica: Well, to begin with, my colleague is an unbearable Nazi who couldn't find his own ass with a mirror and a miner's hat.

---

Veronica: Actually, there's no "o" in "naughty."

Manager: It's "knotty" with a "k" like in pine. I-i-it's research.

Veronica: Knotty schoolgirls. What will they think of next?

Manager: You want a room? It's thirty bucks a night.

Veronica: Actually, I'm looking for someone.

Manager: Well if it's me, congratulations. Otherwise, unless you get lucky at the Gas-N-Sip, your options are pretty limited around here.

---

Manager: So, you did find someone at the Gas-N-Sip. And now you need a room.

Veronica: Was anyone else in here two nights ago, did you see anyone with her?

Manager: Why? Is he missin' a friend too?

Wiedman: Answer the question or I'll break all your fingers.

---

Keith: I'm here because of my daughter.

Aaron: Now that's funny: so am I.

---

Aaron: So did you come here today to thank me, Keith? You know, for your fifteen minutes? 'Cause if it wasn't for me, no one would have bought that hack book of yours. Uh...I guess you didn't come to thank me. Maybe, maybe you just came here to gloat, hm? No, that doesn't seem like you much either. Why did you come here?

Keith: Former employee shows up dead, sabotaged school bus goes over a cliff, and I start to worry about Veronica's safety.

Aaron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. You think I had something to do with the crash? Hoo. Hoo hoo, you are priceless, Keith! You know, did they give you enough press, you'd find a way to put me on the grassy knoll.

Keith: Truth is, I don't care if you're behind the crash or not. I just want you to know that if anything happens to my daughter in say, the next seventy, eighty years? You're the one who's gonna pay for it.

Aaron: Now, did you come all the way out here just to give me that tough guy speech?

Keith: No, I came all the way out here to show how easily I can get to you. So just...file that away.

---

Veronica: Wow. Where'd you learn that interrogation technique?

Wiedman: Harvard. That's a pretty convincing hysterical routine you got. Where'd you learn that?

Veronica: Watching cheerleading tryout results.

---

Weevil: What the hell is this?

Logan: Hm. Esta. Una. What is their word for "paper"?

Dick: Uh, pay-pair-o.

Logan: Okay, I'll translate, just don't tell the ESL teacher I helped you cheat. That's an eviction notice.

Weevil: You bought my grandmother's house?

Logan: That's right. Su casa is mi casa. But in my defense, Weevil, I do need a new one. You might have heard my former domicile was, uh, burned quite unexpectedly.

Weevil: If you kick my family out—

Logan: Oh, have it your way, we'll all live together in one big wacky sitcom family. On second thought, I'm kicking you out. And on third thought, I wouldn't live in that roach motel if you put a gun to my—

---

Coach: School is not the place for this kind of thing.

Logan: You hear that? School is a place of learning.

Weevil: Yeah, you might want to think what prison is a place of.

---

Veronica: He's a diplomat's son, Clarence. He'll be extradited to Argentina.

Wiedman: That depends on what happens at the casino.

Veronica: What are you gonna do?

Wiedman: You know the drill, Veronica: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

---

Veronica Voiceover: At least, at the end of the day, I get to curl up with my adorable, honest boyfriend.

Logan: It's the sweater, isn't it? Chicks can't resist argyle.

Veronica: Please let go of me.

Logan: Ever the tease.

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner

Duncan: Veronica. You need to stop being The Dude.

Veronica: Stoner bowler doesn't do it for you?

Duncan: A little. Only because I like the way your lips pout when you do guy voice.

Veronica: These lips? I've had 'em for years, I can't do a thing with 'em.

---

Logan: Seriously, though: I was reading Third Wheel: A Beginner's Guide, and we should come up with, like, some kind of code word for when you guys are feeling frisky and, uh, don't want to be disturbed.

Veronica: Like "scram"?

Logan: I was thinking "awkward." But scram's good. Or "amscray."

---

Logan: You're not my grilled cheese.

---

Kendall: iPod girl with the waxy-eared boyfriend. Small world.

Veronica: Like this big.

---

Duncan: Weren't we doin' something?

Veronica: We were making out on the couch, and then that happened. Dick and Beav's stepmom just came over to have a go-around with your bunkmate. How does that not bother you?

Duncan: 'Cause I'm a guy?

---

Duncan: What? She's hot. Like that's news.

Veronica: Well ass-slaps and high fives to Logan for bangin' a hot chick. Maybe she'll buy us beer.

Duncan: I'd ask her, but I think she'll be in there for a while.

---

Mr. Pope: Last week, Miss Mars was, as you kids call it, flush, with Mr. Casablancas breathing down her neck. Well, the worm has turned.

Cassidy: Boo-yeah!

Veronica: Nobody likes an eager beaver.

---

Veronica: Hey, are you sick, or am I gonna see you singing "Twist and Shout" on a parade float? Call me.

---

Logan: Hey, you remember when we, uh, made out against the sink and you had your legs around my waist?

Veronica: Stop, you'll make me blush.

Logan: Honestly, how much easier would your life be if you were indifferent to me?

Veronica: So much, since I'm really struggling. What do you want?

---

Logan: I thought maybe you could do a little sleuthing for old times' sake.

Veronica: Really? Could I?

---

Duncan: So basically, he's between seven and ten and his parents are psycho. That'll narrow it down.

---

Duncan: I think they call it a part-time job. It's when you do this thing called work, and strangers pay you instead of the Allowance Fairy.

Veronica: Ah, the Allowance Fairy. Elusive in Neptune outside the 09er zip.

---

Veronica: Well, the Goodmans don't need a babysitter now that Gia's back, and the others I'll just have to convince to trust me with their children long enough for me to get a writing sample.

Duncan: To compare to the book that Meg stole.

Veronica: Yeah.

Duncan: After we break into Meg's house.

Veronica: Pretty much.

---

Ms. Hauser: STDs will kill you.

Jane: Ah-choo!

Ms. Hauser: Sexually transmitted diseases are no joke, Jane.

Jane: I wasn't laughing, I sneezed.

Ms. Hauser: See how much you're sneezing when you have gonorrhea!

---

Ms. Hauser: All right, people, pair up. You each have a piece of paper with an STD on it. You have to inform your partner that you have said STD.

Veronica: All right, Gia, we can be partners, but: no glove, no love.

---

Gia: Mrs. Hauser, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?

Ms. Hauser: No, Gia, chlamydia is not a flower.

Gia: Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.

Veronica: Your trellis is a whore.

---

Veronica Voiceover: A ten year-old boy who voluntarily washes his hands, who enjoys quiet time, and does what he's told with a smile. If he doesn't pick his nose soon, I'm looking for wires.

---

Veronica: Your 9-1-1 caller, a.k.a. Tom Griffith, is Doctor Tom Griffith. He is a very expensive, well-respected plastic surgeon.

Logan: I don't believe it. There are no respected plastic surgeons.

---

Logan: That's not the guy from the bridge.

Veronica: What are you talking about? You told the police you couldn't identify the guy, you said the whole night was a blur.

Logan: I lied.

Veronica: 'Course you did.

---

 Veronica Voiceover: Wallace, Wallace, Wallace. Wherefore art thou? I know that quote doesn't really work, but you get the point. Things that have changed in the nineteen hours since my last e-mail: I've grown four inches, changed my name to London, and have discovered that apparently I'm not the only love of Duncan's life. You really need to start answering my e-mails. This is a little too Doogie Howser's journal for me.

---

Betina: When's the last time you had a lunch like this? Dick: When I was a Brady. --- Veronica: No bark? Is it your day off? --- Logan's Answering Machine: It's Logan. "Life's tragedy is that we grow old too soon and wise too late." Ben Frankin. Veronica: The good news is, I'm perfect the way I am. The bad, your plastic surgeon is a mensch. --- Gia: You brought your sleeping bag, that's so cute! Veronica: Well, I like to have the option. Don't judge me for my Ninja Turtles. --- Veronica: Whoa, somebody likes their label maker. Gia: Yeah, at least we know where to find everything. Veronica Voiceover: Yes, like the anal psychos are located right about...here. Great. They kill their guests and steal their shoes. [Sound of laughter] Veronica Voiceover: Please tell me they kill their guests. --- Gia: I have a surprise for you. Don't peek! Veronica Voiceover: My spidey-sense is tingling. Something bad is happening. Gia: It's a girls' night! --- Kendall: That was perfect, baby. Oh, it feels so good to be with you, I just want to be with you all the time. Logan: Uh, bit of advice: when looking for a sugar daddy, at least pick the richest guy in the hotel suite. ...I'm sorry. Did that hurt your feeling? Kendall: I can't believe you just said that to me. Doesn't this mean anything to you? Logan: It does. It means I'm getting laid. And I owe your village a goat. --- Kendall: You know, you can joke all you want. I know we have a connection, Logan. You know, it may have just started off as sex, but over these past few months it's grown into something more. Logan: Wow. So, your feelings have grown as your available balance has shrunk. It's like science! One of the problems of sleeping with your stepson's friend: information tends to leak. --- Kendall: I don't know if you've noticed, but you have a pretty good situation for yourself here. Logan: Yeah. Kendall: You wanna go back to playing grab-ass with cheerleaders that have just mastered missionary? See ya. You want things to keep going the way they've been going, I'm gonna need a few things. Logan: I'm sorry, "see ya" was option A? Bessie: when the milk stops being free, I stop drinking it. Kendall: Then what am I supposed to do? Logan: Frankly, my dear...you know the rest. --- Madison: You should put a tattoo right here so people will have something to look at. Girls: Oooooh. Veronica: Ah hah. So Gia, how are things with you and Dick? Madison: Dick? Like, my Dick? --- Dick: We came here for the panty raid! Girl: Oh, God. Dick: We're stayin' for Spin the Bottle! Girl: Woo! Girl: Yeah! Veronica: I'm outta here. --- Keith: When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trenchcoat over my pajamas and come pick you up. Veronica: Sorry, I drive now. And I'm not nine. Keith: You'll always be nine to me. Going on thirty. --- Veronica: Whoa. You two need to be alone? Keith: I know we had the smoking talk somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving. Veronica: Actually, I think it was more of a sentence—"Don't smoke"—and it was between the adventures of Pooh and Goodnight Moon. Keith: 'Splain. --- Veronica: No ski mask? Duncan: You said wear dark colors. Veronica: We're not breaking into a bank vault in a James Bond movie. --- Logan: Poetry reading? --- Veronica: People suck. --- Mr. Manning: What are you doing? You can't do that. I'm the victim here. You have no right to just come into my house and start poking around. Lamb: It's funny: I heard my father give that exact speech once. Ahoy, Mateys! Meg: What does she have? What does she have that I ha— Veronica: Well, I'm conscious. And that's just for starters. --- Veronica: All I'm saying is, I followed him into the cigar shop, he bought some cigars, and he left. Logan: Didn't your dad say the cigar store is a front for drug dealers, I mean, that's gotta be something. Veronica: Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store. Logan: I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at twenty to life. Veronica: Oh, you're being a jackass. Must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favor. Logan: You find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar. --- Veronica: Did Duncan go to bed? Logan: Yes. And he wanted me to tell you to give me your undivided attention. Pretend for a moment that your dog's life is at stake. --- Veronica: Uh-uh, you're staying here. This takes a certain subtlety. But if I need anyone punched in the face, I'll whistle for you. --- Logan: Hey! I've got 9-1-1 on the line, who can give me the address here? No one? Yeah, I've got one of those ankle monitors on, does that help? Yeah. The River Stix. There's blood everywhere. --- Keith: I'm sure those school administrators are a sinister and venal bunch, honey, but in my experience, most crime is personal. Not these, these weird conspiracies. Veronica: Well, in my experience, that is exactly what they want you to think. --- Keith: What? This is the third time I called this week. I sent the damn thing back to you guys two weeks ago! Look, I told the first person my name. Don't you talk to each other? You've got the serial number, you've got everything on those damn databanks! It's on the computer screen right in front of your face! It says WHAT? Oh. Sorry, my fault. Bye. Veronica: Why must you make the tech support people cry? --- Marcos: Ahoy, Mateys! Five-forty on your AM dial. Listen, or walk my enormous plank. Veronica: Oh, I get it. Mac: It's not all crotch-grabbing scatological man-humor. There's a little something for everyone. Veronica: Flatulent sound effects for me? Mac: And bitter tirades for me! --- Veronica: What's this four-week gap here? Mac: Oh, they went on a little sabbatical. Veronica: Do you know why? Mac: I suspect to torture me. Then they came back and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew. So I stopped listening. Veronica: The show's still on? Mac: A bastardized sub-par version of the show's still on. Veronica: Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from? Mac: Yes. ...Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. We can track the signal. Veronica: Wow. I'd be interested to know if you had the capabilities to track said signal. Mac: Look, I'm happy to be the Q to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically-assisted mystery solving? Costs. You wanna play find the crappy radio broadcast, momma's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack. --- Marcos: And here it comes, Imitation Crab. Crab: Arrr! Marcos: The winner of this week's cock...of the walk countdown. Crab: Don't leave 'em hanging, Cap'n. Marcos: It's Logan Echolls! That's forty weeks running. Rosemary's baby: the teen years. If I was his mother, I'd kill myself too. --- Marcos: Duncan Kane. He can't be that rich and that pleasant without harbouring a dark secret. What do you think, Crab? Serial murderer? Puppy strangler? Veronica Voiceover: Girlfriend ignorer? --- Logan: Any news on Nip/Schmuck? Veronica: It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favorite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks. Logan: Well, as far as I know I've done nothing to get their Irish up. --- Logan: If you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want a bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell. Veronica: If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable. Logan: Help me, Mars-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. --- Veronica: I'm feeling the calculating stare, but where's the villainous hand-wringing and maniacal laugh? Weevil: You know, you should be nicer to me. Veronica: Or you'll huff, and puff, and burn my house down? --- Veronica: Wait, what if nerd hunters drive by and tranq and tag me? Mac: That's a risk I'm willing to take. --- Veronica: Excellent work as usual, Q. Mac: Right back at you, Mr. Bond. You've got a plan, right? Veronica: Ish. --- Mac: Um, Butters, you're blankie's blinking. --- Veronica: Well, did you ask him why? Vincent: Yeah. We got together for hot cocoa and cinnamon toast and talked all about his feelings. Mac: Oh! Like girls! --- Veronica Voiceover: Camp SelfQuest. Not to be mistaken for the elf-hunting camp of a similar name. --- Veronica: Fish sticks and chocolate milk, yuck. That can't be good for you. Vincent: Can you graduate already? --- Vincent: Marcos wasn't gay. Veronica: Sure about that? Vincent: Positive. He talked about chicks all the time. I mean, he wasn't a fairy, he was a playboy lovin' booty hound. Veronica: Do me a favor: never describe me. My Mother The Fiend Ms. Hauser: Since you all had such a raucous good time with venereal diseases, I'm sure you'll be thrilled with phase two of Sex Ed. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to parenthood. Veronica: So that's where babies come from. --- Ms. Hauser: Now, find a partner, pick a baby. Veronica: Oh. Aren't we supposed to have a shot of tequila first? --- Veronica: I don't see any cameras here. There's no way you can prove that I broke in. Clemmons: How else could you have gotten your hands on the drug testing results? Veronica: The faked drug test results? Lemme walk you through it. Usually, when I save your butt, I start by — Clemmons: What else have you stolen from my school? I can't imagine that all these keys belong to your property. For instance, what's this one for? Veronica: That one? Let's see...that one opens a Duraguard file safe manufactured prior to 1990. Clemmons: And, uh, this one? Veronica: Fits any Vespa scooter. What? I like to come prepared. --- Clemmons: This is going to take you a very long time if you plan to read each individually. Veronica: I was just — Clemmons: Snooping through school property. Isn't that what landed you here in detention? --- Veronica: Ever hear of genetics, kid? Thanks to your grandma, I've got a 50-50 shot of becoming an alkie. Guess that makes your odds 1 in 4, which isn't so bad. Oh, and there's also this latent mean girl gene. You're lucky you're made out of plastic. --- Veronica: Well there you go, kid. Here's life lesson number one: what goes around, comes around. --- Veronica: You've been working here for, what, like, ever? Any idea what my mom did her senior year to get herself suspended? Clemmons: Let me get this straight: you want follow-up on what I explicitly forbade you from doing yesterday? Veronica: Ummm...yes. Clemmons: More alphabetizing, less cold-casing. --- Veronica: Principal Moorehead? Moorehead: Veronica. I see that Mr. Clemmons is failing in his prime directive. Veronica: What's that? Moorehead: Keeping you out of my face. --- Trina: And you look fantastic! That look is so great. J'adore. So how've you been? I mean, aside from that whole mess with Dad and all. Veronica: What, that? It's water under the bridge. Trina: Great! I've really been meaning to call you. There has been some super-exciting news with the project. Three words: Evan. Rachel. Wood. Veronica: Okay. Trina: She's gonna play you in The Aaron Echolls Story! Name change, since you and your dad won't sign the release forms. It's such a great part! It was all over the trades, you didn't see it? Veronica: I...don't know how I missed it. --- Trina: You! Should audition for the play! Oh, you can audition using anything. Frankly, we need some pretty girls. Veronica: Yeah. Thanks anyway, I can't act. Trina: Oh, acting's overrated. You've got presence, sweetie. Listen, we'll catch up later. Right now, my company needs me. The play is my master and I am its whore! --- Kendall: Someone request turn-on service? Duncan: I'm pretty sure it's called turn-down service. Kendall: Oh. Well, who would want that? --- Kendall: Let me take you for a ride. Duncan: A ride. Kendall: Big D's Maserati's downstairs. You gotta check it out — you would look so hot in it. Duncan: Can't I just be loved for me? Kendall: The Maserati retails for a hundred and fifty grand, but I'll let you have her for half that. You do know how to drive stick, don't you? Duncan: Actually... Kendall: Don't worry, I'll teach you. The fun way. We don't even have to leave the couch. --- Kendall: Do they, like, chemically castrate you boys over at that school? You don't need Sex Ed; I am Sex Ed. --- Kendall: Hi, baby! What took you so long? Logan: Mm. Well, if I had known you were throwing yourself at my roommate, I'd have raced home. Kendall: I brought a surprise for you. I figured you and Duncan could try it. Maybe if you boys play nice, you could share. Or take turns or something. Logan: Duncan's not into that sort of thing, pumpkin. --- Veronica: Sorry I'm late. Keith: Almost started without you. You'd've missed out on my chili surprise. Veronica: You made chili? Keith: Surprise. --- Trina: Wait a minute. Are you, like, sleeping with my little brother? What is he, thirteen? Kendall: Thirteen? He wishes. So, is this your much older sister I've heard nothing about? Logan: Oh yes, where are my manners? Kendall Casablancas, Trina Echolls. Rode hard, meet put away wet. Trina: I'm guessing she's the wet one. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got places to be. Kendall: Where? Is there a club where you, Dedee Pfeiffer, Joey Travolta, and Melissa Rivers all meet for drinks? Trina: There is. I don't think you'd like it, it's twenty-one and over. We're hitting an after party at Chuck E. Cheese, though, if you're free. 'Kay, well, I need him in bed by ten p.m. sharp. He's got school tomorrow. 'Night, all. Logan: Well, the joke's on her: she came over to borrow my video camera. The girl does love a good exit line. --- Kendall: Gee, Cassidy. I didn't think you liked me. Cassidy: I don't. But I find value in your desperation. --- Keith: If she didn't split Jake and your Mom up, well...you wouldn't have me. And that means you wouldn't be you, Veronica. Veronica: And that would be bad, right? Keith: Right. So try to keep that in mind when I tell you this. A Jane Doe baby was delivered to the Balboa County Hospital on May 8th, 1980. Veronica: That's weird. Keith: Gets weirder. They found the baby in the girl's bathroom during the Neptune High School Prom. Veronica: Celeste. Keith: You don't actually listen when I talk, do you? --- Veronica: You're it! --- Duncan: Hey, now, you're not about to badmouth Celeste, are you? Veronica: Heavens, no. I mean, what could I say about that...saint? She is a warm-hearted, good-humoured, lovely woman of high breeding and impeccable social grace. Celeste: Why, thank you, Veronica. --- Celeste: What is she doing here? Veronica: "She" meaning me? I guess I'm here as Duncan's secret girlfriend. Oh! And we have a love child. Wanna hold her? She's snuggly. Celeste: I'll pass. --- Celeste: I told your father something like this would happen. This is exactly why we should have taken you up to Napa. Veronica: Not in front of the baby! Celeste: This isn't amusing, Veronica. Veronica: It's not. Me, breeding with a Kane? No laughing matter. But look: no one has to know, right? Worst case scenario, things don't work out, I'll just dump her off at the big dance. It worked at your prom, didn't it? Celeste: Does she ever make sense, Duncan? Veronica: Does she ever thaw out, Duncan? Celeste: When I look at your face, all I see is your drunk slut of a mother. Duncan: MOM! Celeste: Look, Duncan, she can't just— Duncan: Veronica, I need a moment alone with my mom. Veronica: Sure. We'll be in the bedroom. You don't mind your dirty laundry mixing with your clean laundry, do you? --- Weevil: I thought you killed Felix! Logan: I didn't. Weevil: Yeah. I pretty much know that now. Logan: Oh, are you waiting for the music to swell before you start the apology? Weevil: We have something in common now: we both need to find out who killed Felix. Logan: So what, we team up? Get matching capes, I ride shotgun in a sidecar? Weevil: Somethin' like that, but not yet. You see, I can't let you leave here lookin' the way you did when you walked in. Not if I don't want to end up some bald guy with tattoos who rides the school bus. --- Mac: Phoenix Land Trust, Inc. Cassidy Casablancas, CEO. Cassidy: Nice. I would totally trust this company with my money. Mac: And it'll work wonders with the ladies. Chicks dig scars and acronyms. Cassidy: Good to know. Mac: I'm a giver of info. Cassidy: Yeah, well, as much as I'd like to impress the ladies with my title, I actually need the CEO to be listed as Kendall Casablancas. Mac: Pay me in cash, I ask no questions. Just...tip me off when you're going public. Cassidy: You know, I think that might be illegal. Mac: Still. You're admiring my moxie, aren't ya? Cassidy: Somethin' like that. --- Veronica: Trina, I was lying. That whole bit about wanting to try out for the play, a lie. The truth is, as a baby, you were left in a Neptune High girl's bathroom on prom night twenty-five years ago. Trina: No way. Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere, right? Ashton, come out! You can't get me that easy. Veronica: Trina, I'm dead serious. Trina: Okay. If you're joking, you really can act. You're a natural. --- Veronica: Um...I was gonna use this audition tape to smoke her out. Shame her. I was gonna send the video to all the tabloids. Trina: You're a rascal, Veronica Mars. Veronica: Am I? I was thinking I was something else less flattering. Trina: You know, if we hurry, that tape can make tonight's Entertainment News. Oh, it's the least Big Pat can do for me after leaving all those pervy messages on my voicemail. --- Trina: Look, it's lunchlady Doris. Doris was so nice to me when I went here. Used to always give me extra cake. Veronica: Actually, her name is Mary. Trina: Really. I guess I just decided to call her Doris. --- Trina: Hey, pops. Hope I'm interrupting. Moorehead: Trina! Glad to see you're feeling better, I'd heard that you were— Trina: At death's door? And when exactly were you planning to hook me up with a little bone marrow? Moorehead: Perhaps we should take this outside. Trina: Oh, come on, Dad. It's the least you can do for your daughter, after dumping me in the john on prom night. --- Keith: Hey. You grab dinner yet? Veronica: Funny you should ask. I'm not actually that hungry. I was scrounging through the old fridge for a little study snack and I'm not normally a corn dog type of girl, but this is gonna put me off them forever. Are you keeping a dead rat in our freezer, or do we have a slam-dunk lawsuit against the processed food industry? --- Veronica: You sly old dog. Clemmons: Your sentence is up, Veronica. Unless you're here to atone for something I don't yet know about. Veronica: Deducing I had a key to your office, now that was clever. Obviously you had to find a way to stick me in detention. That way, you could be sure I'd find my way into my mom's permanent file. Clemmons: What are you going on about? Veronica: You read Machiavelli this summer, didn't you? Oooh. Nice. Not taking credit for it — even more badass. One Angry Veronica Veronica: Duncan, how could you — Duncan: Last spring, before we broke up... Veronica: Okay, stop. I was shown a diagram once, I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me? Duncan: This has nothing to do with us. Veronica: Oh, no! Nothing. Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me. I'm fine with it. --- Dick: Hola, boyos. Hope I'm not spoiling a tender moment here, but I just wanted to make sure you got your vaccinations, because the New Year's bash of the century is just a scant week away. Veronica: Of the century? Does Truman Capote know? Dick: Of the millennium. And Truman who? Duncan: Can't. I've got holidays in Sun Valley with the parents. Dick: Dude, seriously. Snow? Pine trees? Family? That's not holidays. Party boat, crazy Chinese pyro guy. I'm feeling that. Think about it. Oh, and Duncan: if you're not coming 'cause of...tension here, there's a chance an old flame might be there. Duncan: What do you mean? Dick: Didn't you hear? Meg. She woke up. Probably going to be partying in no time, so...I'm just sayin'. --- Duncan: I should go see her. Veronica: Got it covered. My visitor's pass from when I picked up Abel Koontz's stuff. All I need is a colour copier and a laminator and we're in business. Don't worry, I do this for all my boyfriends. Duncan: Veronica... Veronica: I know. I'm amazing. --- Keith: You're late. Veronica: That's the idea. Figured if I snuck in close to the end of the day, the chances of it getting even worse are slim. Keith: So you would not characterize your day as "good." Veronica: More along the lines of..."bad." Keith: And how much would it help if I microwaved you some two-day-old lasagna? Veronica: A...medium amount. Keith: And how much would it help if I went out and got some ice cream, too? Veronica: A...lot? Why would I need that much help? Keith: With my sincere regrets. Chocolate chip mint or butter pecan? Veronica: Oh, crap. Jury duty? Keith: I'll get both. --- Lamb: You know, Keith, you really shoulda done more to push fitness when you were here. Keith: Yeah, I was gonna get to that, but the crime fighting kept getting in the way. --- Keith: So to paraphrase, you're telling me the Neptune Sheriff's Department is a locked-down, squared-away citadel of security? Lamb: That's a little flowery, but you can pretty much catch my drift. I run a tight ship, Keith. Keith: And you look good doin' it. Lamb: That's why they elected me, Keith. Keith: So I'm gonna need unrestricted access to your staff at all times. Lamb: Absolutely. We're here to please. Keith: Well in that case, I'll need personal info for everyone who works here. Personnel files, tax returns, security access levels, email addresses, browser histories, all that. Lamb: No problem, buddy. Just say how high. Keith: Oh, I will. --- Keith: Gotta hand it to you, Sacks. You stay on message like nobody's business. If not for the little perspiration problem, you'd make a great White House press secretary. --- Leo: Don is a fine politician, but as a lawman and administrator? The security around here's a joke. Keith: That's odd. He told me security here was quite impressive. Leo: He thinks so. He locks himself out pretty often. --- Keith: I've been so hung up on Aaron Echolls and all this evidence tampering I never stopped to think what those tapes are worth. Leo: Good celebrity porn is scarce these days. --- Veronica: Oh. Hello. Which one are you? Blinky? Humpty? Zorro? Thumper: The name is Thumper. Not that you really care. Veronica: Oh, I care. Deeply. I guess you heard about our new cranberry walnut crumb cake. It's true: it's cran-tastic. --- Logan: I adore what your designer's done with the men's room. That Hefty bag over the busted urinal adds a delicious wabi-sabi feel. Keith: It's Don's thing. We went more mid-century modern back in my day. --- Keith: Thanks for coming by. I'm guessing by your blithe spirits that you have no idea what's up. Logan: No. But they request my presence here weekly, so... --- Logan: Can you seriously imagine me conspiring to save Daddy dearest? Lilly's killer? Keith: I'm just making sure I have every pertinent bit of information. Logan: I'll tell you what, dude: if I hear anything pertinent, I'll get back at you. Keith: The name's not "dude," it's Mr. Mars. --- Keith: I'm sorry, I was looking for my apartment, but I seem to have stumbled upon some sort of magical winter wonderland instead. Why, perhaps this elf can help me. --- Keith: You know, elf, we might not be the richest family in town, but we can afford normal-sized birds once a year or so. Veronica: Game hens. They were just so cute. Plus this way, we won't have to eat leftovers on New Year's. Keith: Well, that's smart thinking. Come on, what do they taste like? Veronica: I don't know. Dense little turkeys? --- Keith: How's about an early peek at one of your Christmas presents? Veronica: What about our strict Christmas morning-only rule? Keith: This Christmas we make our own rules. Follow me! Veronica: I'm so impressed you fit a pony into my room. --- Keith: For that experience you paid fifty grand? Logan: Yeah, all that matters is that the world wide web won't be hosting mpegs of my old man defiling the love of my life. --- Keith: This is a serious crime. Logan: Yeah? Uh, where's the evidence? Keith: I believe those are the tapes right there. Logan: Yeah, those are blank. Keith: Blank tapes made you cry? Logan: Yeah, I thought I'd saved the Daria marathon on them. Keith: Right. And most people have a tape degausser just hanging around on their coffee table. Well, at least tell me this: how did you manage to buy those tapes for a tenth of their market price? Logan: Why, sir, I've always depended upon the kindness of strangers. --- Captain of Industry: Light the yule log, crank the Manheim Steamroller, it's Christmas! Those boys will appeal, and they'll win. I'll sleep with visions of sugarplums, trusting their fate in a jury that doesn't cow-tow to a high school cheerleader! Veronica: Yay! Let me take this moment to thank you. I learned a lot about civic responsibility. --- Woman: I don't know if you've made plans for college, but I think you'd fit right in at Hearst. Veronica: Stay here, in Neptune? Woman: Well, we won't be moving the university. Veronica: I'd really kinda planned on having my car packed and running during graduation ceremonies, just to kinda beat the rush out of Neptune. --- Keith: It's not always easy doing the right thing. Veronica: If that phrase isn't on the Mars family crest, it should be. --- Keith: What's with the janitorial supplies? Veronica: Oh, just tidying up after a billion or so starlings. They seem to be the official courthouse mascot. --- Veronica Voiceover: New Year's Eve. Someone just needs to change the name to Same Old Year's Eve, because that "New," implying all that hope and promise, it's not fooling anyone. --- Keith: I'm hittin' the bunkhouse. Veronica: But...Dad, you'll miss the ball. Keith: Oh, I saw it the past forty years or so. It, you know, drops. You'll see. --- Veronica Voiceover: Okay, I'm a sucker. I'll give this New Year thing one last chance. Donut Run Logan: Hi, ho. Veronica: What did you say? Logan: Oh, your uniform. Hi-ho, it's off to work you go. Veronica: I guess that makes me Snow White. Logan: You must be on your way up to see Mopey. Veronica: How's he doing, Sleazy? --- Logan: Old Italian ladies don't grieve like this. Boy, he must've really loved Meg. Veronica: Well, then there's that other thing. You know, he can't see his baby. Logan: A baby? How'd that happen? --- Logan: There she goes, the angel of mercy. Time to fake the donut. --- Logan: Lost? Kendall: Oh, quit standing there so smug. Tomorrow you're just gonna call me at two in the morning saying you want some company. For your information, that really doesn't satisfy me, Logan. Logan: Really? You always come. --- Dick: Logan told me what happened. You gotta let it go, Ronnie. Take a deep breath, let it go. If you're gonna date an heir to billions, the occasional afternoon quickie, you gotta let it slide. Cost of doing business, you know? Seriously, girls like Kendall, they let you do things that girls like you...well, let's just say you should be thankful. Vile stuff, you know. Really vile stuff. Veronica: Move, Dick. Dick: Just tryin' to be helpful. --- Wallace: Oh, that's just pathetic. Up! Get up! I came over here to see Veronica Mars. Who's this...emo girl? Veronica: Leave me alone, I'm wallowing. Wallace: Not anymore. We're going out. We gotta go see a movie or get in a barfight or something. Veronica: I don't wanna get in a barfight. Wallace: Tough, 'cause you're goin' if I have to drag you. But, before we do, Veronica: shower. You smell bad. Veronica: You're not helping. You think you're helping, but you're not. --- Wallace: I bleed the gold and green. I'm a Pirate born, a Pirate bred. And when me die... Veronica: A Pirate dead? --- Veronica: If your Chicago high school hadn't their tryouts last year, you'd still be there. Wallace: And if "if"s and "but"s were candy and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas. Veronica: What does that mean? Wallace: No clue. Something my mom says. --- Vinnie: Hey, Veronica! What's the haps? Veronica: Oh, you know. I didn't think there'd be air conditioning, but, other than that, this is pretty much how I pictured Hell. --- Celeste: I find comfort in knowing the child isn't yours. Veronica: Let's hope she's got your smile. --- Dick: Oh, no, honey. Bad set, bad set. Don't make daddy hose you down. Logan: You're not real complicated, are you, Dick? Dick: Try not to be. --- Veronica: Waiting for your girlfriend to make bail? Vinnie: No, no, no. Her shift ends at five. I'm waiting for you, V-dog. Veronica: What for? Vinnie: I thought maybe you'd tell me where you're keeping Duncan, save us all some time, you know, earn some karma points. Veronica: I have no idea where he is, and if I did, you would be the...last person I'd tell. Vinnie: Am I hearing you right? Because you'd tell Osama bin Laden before you'd tell me? Because back in my day, we had a little thing called patriotism. Here, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's a negotiation, right? Okay, let's say I sweeten the pot. Let's make it...five thousand dollars, the karma points are yours to keep, and if you act now, I'll throw in a free set of steak knives. --- Logan: Hey, what's the word? Dick: Well, the one they call Bootsy told me no and went on to suggest I perform sexual intercourse upon my own person. Logan: Hm. Doesn't he understand? If you could do that, you'd never come to school. Dick: Boy, that's the truth. --- Logan: And Hector? Dick: Sold me ten hits of E. Mint? Logan: I gave you enough cash for twenty. Dick: Hey, he gave me the 09er discount. Charged me double. --- Morris: Now, Sheriff, I think we should make it clear right from the get-go that we are here to get that baby back. And we are willing to combine our resources— Lamb: I'll share anything that you need. Morris: —until such time as you piss us off. And when that time comes — and it usually comes quickly in Sleepyburg or World's Biggest Ball of Stringsville or wherever the hell we are this week — when that time comes, we will cut you out like you were a meter maid. You don't get the photo op, and you don't get the fruit basket. So repeat after me: Team. Me. Team. Come on, you can do it. Lamb: Team. Morris: Me. Lamb: Me. Morris: Great. So, why don't you get us up to speed with what you've been doing here? --- Veronica: Is the sheriff around? Officer: He's in with the FBI. You're Veronica Mars, aren't you? Veronica: That's me. Officer: Supposed to keep an eye on you. Veronica: Great. Officer: You ever hit the clubs in L.A., Veronica? Veronica: I'm eighteen. Officer: Yeah, show me a club that'll care. I moonlight over at Club Finn. Veronica: Club Finn? Officer: I'm a bouncer. Veronica: Well, I didn't think you were a cage dancer. --- Lamb: Before we go in there, you should probably know something about Veronica Mars. We need to be careful with this one. She's...slippery. Morris: Sheriff, we have interrogated Al Qaeda members at Gitmo. I think we can handle a teenage girl. --- Veronica: Nick and Jessica. Is nothing sacred? Morris: Whoa, Agent Wills, call for backup. Wills: Just the chopper? Morris: Snipers. --- Veronica: Border patrol? Don't bother. Duncan hates Mexico. Lamb: Is that so? Brer Rabbit --- Lamb: So. The FBI. I've thought about it, you know. But, uh, big fish, small town. Has its perks. Still, who knows, I still might apply. Morris: You go to college? Lamb: For a year. Blew out a knee at Southwest Texas playin' ball. Morris: Speak a foreign language? Lamb: A little Mexican. Enough to get by. Tell 'em to turn their music down. Morris: Any expertise in computer science, law, physics, chemistry, forensics, mathematics? Lamb: Expertise? Morris: Small town, big fish. You know, I'd ride with that. --- Lamb: Duncan bookmarked a boat for sale. We tracked down the seller. Turns out, he sold it last week to a teenage boy who paid cash. Veronica: I assume that's a generous use of the term "we"? Lamb: I got a hundred bucks says he's headin' south. What do you think, Veronica? Wanna put your money where your mouth is? How much does your boyfriend hate Mexico, huh? Veronica: Isn't gambling illegal? Lamb: That's what I thought. --- Veronica: Mornin', Sam. Vinnie: Mornin', Ralph. Fritter? Veronica: You should be out looking for Duncan. Vinnie: Oh! Right. Duncan Kane. Ahaha. Ahhh! I got so swept up in your beauty I almost forgot my assignment. --- Weevil: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Do you remember last year, when you looked down on me like you were so much better? Sean: Yeah. Did you get the impression something has changed? Weevil: Well, yeah. It seems both our families are in the domestic staffing industry. That makes us like family. I steal cars, you sell drugs. Hey, I can hardly tell where you end and I begin. --- Weevil: You know why The Reaper was called that? Logan: He lost a bet? --- Lamb: ¿Usted, lo ha visto? Motel Clerk: No. But you all look alike to me. --- Keith: Sounds like they got you, honey. Well, think of the money we'll save on a prom dress. I'm gonna make a sandwich. Anyone want a sandwich? Morris: You're cool, Mr. Mars. You're very cool. And you got a cool daughter. But kidnapping cases don't go away, you should know that. Keith: Is that a no? --- Vinnie: ¿Necisito un paseo? Duncan: Si. Vinnie: Gas, grass, or ass, kid. Nobody rides for free. Duncan: Thirty grand. Vinnie: Pleasure doing business. Oooh, you pay better than your mom. Rashard and Wallace Go To White Castle Inga: How was your book? Keith: Weird. But I expect it'll start making more sense soon. --- Molly: Where did you get this? Weevil: Apparently he was gonna get you tattooed somewhere on his person. And from your reaction, I'm guessing it wasn't gonna be on his forehead. --- Molly: My uncle's a priest there. Weevil: Liam Fitzpatrick? If that guy's a priest, then I'm Buzz Aldrin. --- Veronica: No, the weasel is this basketball guy. God, I just want him smashed. Wallace: Hey! The paper's from the library. Last thing I need is the librarian turning on me too. Ah, Rashard's cool. It's not like he — Veronica: "Cool"? Um, are we thinking of the same word? Because I don't remember, say, Steve McQueen ever hitting a homeless man in his Hummer and framing someone else for it. --- Wallace: If I could just talk to Rashard alone. We were friends. I'm sure — Veronica: Yeah, he'd say, "Excuse me. You're standing between me and my money." Wallace: Man. Is there anybody you don't think is corrupt deep down? Veronica: Yes. You. And I don't want you suffering for it, because jail? Is no fun. Jackie: What's no fun? Veronica: Um...jail? Jackie: Oh, I thought you were talking about Mr. Wu's game-show quiz. Veronica: No, I was talking about jail. --- Wallace: You know a good lawyer? Veronica: I know...a lawyer. --- Cliff: So, it's called self-surrender. At the negotiated time five days hence, Wallace Fennel will turn himself in to the Neptune Sheriff's Department, who will oversee his transfer to the Chicago police. Wallace: What if I'm not there? Cliff: Then they'll issue a warrant, you'll be arrested, probably found guilty, and end up married to some enormous murderer named Tiny. My advice? Be punctual. Veronica: Or prove your innocence. Cliff: Or that. Suit yourself. --- Wallace: All right. So that's good. Veronica: "Good"? What, in the same way that Rashard is "cool"? Do you know what any words actually mean? --- Wallace: I mean, if I'm cleared in the next five days, I'm back on the team in time for the Pan High game. Veronica: Pan High? How can you even think of the game right now? Wallace: Rival school, biggest game of the year? I can't help it. I'm male. Veronica: Well, here's a message from the females: you're nuts. --- Wallace: Can we get in? Veronica: No. But she says it's not uncommon to find certain...slightly skanky girls lurking outside in hopes of meeting the big recruit and, given that these recruits are teen males, often succeeding. Wallace: That happens. So, you think when I apply to college — Veronica: No. --- Keith: Can you dig up the Murray file? I guess now we need to destroy it. Veronica: What? They reconciled? How? Keith: Mystery of love would be my guess. Veronica: A million-dollar "Sorry I banged the maid" ring would be mine. --- Weevil: You met the Fitzpatrick family? Logan: And found them scrappy but loveable. --- Weevil: Okay, we got a Fitzpatrick priest running the show at a church where all the PCHers go, right? Logan: That's decent thinking for a novice. But aren't priests supposed to be, like, good and stuff? --- Veronica Voiceover: Great. So I'm late, it's super-busy, I missed dinner, and it's "make the karaoke machine want to kill itself" night. And also, it seems, "Veronica, I need a favor night." --- Veronica: And how can I help you, sir? Weevil: I need a favor. Veronica: Ah, a favor. One of our specialties. Weevil: I need you to bug the confessional at St. Mary's Church. Veronica: Um…I'm sorry, that's not on our menu. Maybe you should try "you're crazy" down the street? Logan: It's not just for him. Veronica: Isn't this a very odd coincidence... Or, wait — are you guys, like, roomies now and he ate your peanut butter and now you're not speaking? Logan: Funny you should bring up roomies, as I just lost one. I don't suppose you can help me find where Duncan disappeared? Veronica: Ooh, sorry, one favor per customer. Weevil: Uh, yeah, can we stay focused here? 'Cause if we're seen together by the wrong people, that would be bad… Veronica: So, this is sneaking. I've got a pantomime horse disguise you could use. Do either of you have any experience being a horse's ass? Logan: Yeah, I'm glad my misfortunes amuse you. --- Logan: Look, Veronica, can you just once save my ass without comment? Veronica: No. Because saving your ass with comment, it just...it works better for me. --- Lamb: What did you mean by "it smelled"? Dick: Dude, it smelled like the ass of something that died. Lamb And you can't say what it was? Dick I'm not, like, a professional smellologist. It stank. --- Beaver: You know, Dick, he said that we should get a limo, and I think that was, like, his first good idea ever, so... Lamb: Name Curly mean anything to you? Beaver: Uh, the mechanic? Yeah, yeah, I met him, you know, but, uh, well, my dad, he went to the shop, he usually just took my brother, cars being, you know, man stuff. --- Keith: I had a thought about the rat. Veronica: Hmm…that you could make his lips and feet into hot dogs? I think somebody beat you to that one. Keith: You thought it was a sign, a message to you, you were a rat? What if we were just being too fancy and sophisticated? Veronica: That'd be a first. --- Veronica Voiceover: Confession at St. Mary's is 4 to 6, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, with bugging hours just preceding. Do I feel guilty? Yes. Fortunately, that's what this place was made for. --- Veronica: I'm going to hell. It's that simple. I am going straight to hell. --- Father Patrick: I wasn't always on the up-and-up God-wise myself. But I worked at it. There's a passage, Romans 12:19. "Vengeance is mine. I will repay, sayeth the Lord." Veronica: I see now. I guess I should just probably be a better person. Thanks. --- Wallace: Man, I practically peed myself waiting on you. Where have you been? Veronica: Nowhere. But if God asks, I was with you. --- Wallace: What fraternity did you say this was? Veronica: Alpha Rho something. Wallace: Alpha Rho Nu? A black fraternity. Part of us isn't blending in. Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough Weevil: So, what? Only the kids playing with the scissors and the glue can talk? Ms. Hauser: Your student council is working very hard to raise money for your senior trip. Weevil: Their senior trip. The rest of us want to go to Magic Mountain. Madison: It's Catalina. And you're crazy. I am not spending my senior trip watching you hurl hot dog and orange drink off Batman: The Ride. --- J.B.: Better watch your back, Veronica. Veronica: Because you're going to crush me with hideous fake hills? J.B.: Uh, no, the Kane scholarship. I'm three one-thousandths of a point behind you. Veronica: Oooh. --- Ms. Hauser: What wonderful mountains, Madison! Madison: Thank you, Mrs. Hauser! Veronica: Oh, Madison, you have a little... Madison: What? Brown? Because I'm a brown-noser? Veronica: No. Glitter. Because you're a fairy princess! --- Dick: How lucky am I that I got Terrence Cook to sign that ball for me before he blew up my classmates. It's going to be worth so much more than that napkin O.J. signed for me at The Claim Jumper. --- Cora: Jackie! Jackie, hey! Wait up! Jackie: Sorry. I was distracted by the pitchforks and torches. Cora: So how are you? Jackie: I'm wondering if this counts as my fifteen minutes of fame. And if so, what does the child of an alleged murderer wear to winter carnival? --- Veronica: Slushies! Get your ice cold frozen...sugar water. Logan: You had me at "ice cold." Veronica: What's your poison? Logan: Oh, emotionally unavailable women. Let's see...uh, I want something that suits my mood. Veronica: Oooh, I'm sorry. We're all out of liquid evil. Logan: I'll take two of whatever will turn my tongue blue. Veronica: Hot date? Logan: Raincheck? --- Logan: Oh, the rich. How they mock you. Veronica: There's a fifty dollar bill? Logan: Had them made special --- Logan: The hoi polloi. They don't know what they want until I have it. --- Dick: I am so good at this game, bro. Logan: Shooting in a clown's mouth. Your future's bright, Dick. --- Dick: Dude. Am I drunk? Logan: No, dude, you're just special. Dick: Why is the Beav all snuggly with that chick from Ghost World? --- Jackie: This school genuinely sucks. Veronica: True dat. --- Veronica: It's not a carnival until somebody shows butt cheek. --- Ms. Hauser: In less than three minutes, Veronica Mars has lost all the senior trip money. Veronica: Is that a record? --- Ms. Hauser: Why are we standing here chatting? She should be searched. Veronica: It's a metal box, this big. Where exactly do you think I hid it? --- Madison: You want to save yourself some time? Start with her. We all saw her, lurking around. Jackie: Lurking? Uh, you mean, standing while black? --- Veronica: Nice backpack. You like the Powerpuff Girls, huh? Which one is this? Weevil: She's the one that's not shaped like a metal cash box. --- Terrence: The sheriff is using me as a scapegoat. And if there's anyone fit to take on the sheriff's department, it's you. I read your book, Mr. Mars. I, I couldn't put it down. Keith: Yeah, well, if you read it carefully you might remember the famous guy went to jail in the end of that one. --- Keith: In the spirit of full client/investigator disclosure, I'm not offering you this beer out of the goodness of my heart. Terrence: You're not? Keith: Nope. I'm fufilling a long-time fantasy of sharing a cold one with my favorite ball players. And after we're done, we're gonna play catch in the parking lot. --- Mac: So are we winning? Beaver: What? Mac: I feel like we're in a contest with all the other couples — who can hold hands longest. --- Dick: Wow. You guys are cute. Aren't they? Like gerbils. In love. Cassidy: Dickie, don't. Dick: Chill, Beav. I get to give the big brother speech here. Just lookin' out for you. Mac: You don't have to worry. He's fine. Dick: Yeah? Good hands? 'Cause, you gotta take it easy on my bro. If you're gonna pop his cherry, hold back a little. Cassidy: You're such an ass! Dick: Don't go bustin' out any tricks. Be gentle and sweet. You don't wanna spook him. Like right now, I know his hands are just dripping with sweat, and you are so completely grossed out. But you're hangin' in. I dig that. Oop! See how it just slipped right out? Gotta work on that, bro. --- Hannah: Hey! Logan: Hey. Sorry, did you want that? Hannah: No, I bought it for you. Logan: Oh, you are sweet. --- Hannah: Dude! Logan: Okay! Boy, it sounds so unnatural coming from you. Hannah: I say "dude" all the time. Logan: Nope, I don't buy it. No, you're like, I don't know, like the hot daughter of a king he marries off to get, like, Denmark or something. Hannah: You mean a princess. Logan: You know I'm only ever going to call you princess now. Hannah: No, you're not. Logan: Princess. I am. --- Ms. Hauser: Veronica Mars, you are just trouble. All caps, underlined, written in bold. --- J.B.: Even if you found money, there's really no way of proving that it's the stolen money. Ms. Hauser: Not a lot of people carry twelve grand on them. Dick: Uh, I never leave the house without at least thirteen. Weevil: Yeah. Me either. --- Logan: Look, just so you know, I take all my dates here. I don't want you to think you're special or anything. Hannah: Ah, this isn't a date. Logan: Um, I bought you a drink. And I won you a stuffed animal. Check your dictionary, princess. Hannah: I haven't had a date yet. I'm kind of holding out for something special. Logan: Wow, you are a princess. --- Cassidy: Bambi_Gasm. Mac: Of the Boston Gasms? Cassidy: One would hope. --- Weevil: Whoa, sorry. I can't let you frisk me. She's at an impressionable age. --- Veronica: Great news: you didn't steal the senior trip money. Jackie: Uh, good to know. Veronica: Hey, I'm about to watch Mrs. Hauser squirm in her own personal hell. If you're not doing anything... --- Veronica: Look who I found: Miss Trashy-Trash. We marked your words before, and I don't know if you know this, but they formed this, like, totally false accusation. I know. Yikes. I figured you might welcome the opportunity to apologize. Ms. Hauser: Youdidn'tstealthemoneyI'msorry. Veronica: Totally worth it. --- Veronica: I found this in the copy machine. Ms. Hauser: Where did you get this? This is my exam. Veronica: In. The. Copy. Machine. Am I still speaking English? Jackie: Mm-hm. --- J.B.: She's trying to sabotage me. I am like this close to beating her out for the Kane Scholarship. This is just like the stuff that she does. She planted it. Veronica: And for my next trick! I will take J.B. into the hallway, whisper a few magic words, and when we return, he'll confess. J.B.: Yeah. Yeah, that'll happen. Veronica: Don't oversell it, J.B. People will think you're a mark. --- J.B.: That still doesn't prove... Veronica: I'll bet if we check the copy machine log, it'll tell us that copies were made with Mrs. Hauser's code say...4:03, 4:04 P.M. Should I call them over? J.B.: You're bluffing. The copy machine can't do that. Veronica: Well, here's your choice. You can call my bluff, and we'll all find out exactly what the copy machine can do. Of course, if you choose that option, I'm posting this Tritons phot