Veronica: Wallace is a friend of mine. Take that, high school guidance counselor!

---

Keith: Part of me is proud...and let's just leave it at that.

---

Keith: So how did she rope you into this?

Wallace: She promised me all the answer keys to...she's promised to be my friend.

Keith: I'd have held out for a better offer.

---

Veronica: Hey, would you do me a favor?

Wallace: Why did all the hair on the back of my neck just stick up?

--- 

Troy: Don't run, Veronica. People might think that you're desperate.

Veronica: That would be a step up, reputation-wise.

---

Veronica: All right, fine. Meet me at my car after school, but remember: I'm the one in charge and you'll do as I say.

Wallace: You should've seen her before charm school.

The Wrath of Con

Keith: Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you: if he's gonna be kissing my daughter on my porch for eight-and-a-half minutes, I'll need to meet him. Sweet dreams, honey.

Veronica: Is that really necessary?

Keith: He's taking up a lot of daddy-daughter time. I hardly get to see you.

Veronica: I see you constantly.

Keith: Oh, sure. You see me, but we don't do anything.

---

Lilly: The dance is just a lame excuse for a new dress and a limo party. Logan has got all the refreshments taken care of, so it's gonna be amazing.

Veronica: No, I can't do that! You know my dad. He will find out, and I'll get crushed.

Lilly: You'll get grounded.

Veronica: Severely.

Lilly: Oh, whoop-de-frigging-doo, Veronica, I mean, grounding lasts what, a week? You are gonna remember this fun we have for the rest of your life. Trust me.

---

Wallace: Everything's gonna be fine, Georgia. We'll get 'im.

Veronica: Will we, now?

---

---

Lilly: What did you think of Veronica the first time you saw her?

Logan: I dunno, I thought she was hot.

Veronica: I was twelve when you moved here!

Logan: Oh, and like you weren't working it in your shorts and your knee socks.

Veronica: That was my soccer uniform!

Logan: Whatever, it totally worked

Veronica: Hello, boys. Let me guess what you're thinking: paybacks are a bitch.

---

Georgia: It just doesn't seem fair. I keep thinking about all the people they scammed and how they don't have kickass friends.

Veronica: Did you know there's a whole anti-fraud agency in the FBI? I guess it's a big deal, and I was shocked to see how interested they were in the information I had on Liam and Grant.

Wallace: Game over!

You Think You Know Somebody

 Troy: I've spent the last forty minutes listening to Logan dry heave so you could buy a deformed piñata?

---

Veronica: Dude. Where's your car?

---

Veronica: Your monkeys gonna have to ride in the back.

Logan: Ha ha. Nice car. Must have been a huge cereal box.

---

Veronica: You'd be surpised what one can find with a few nimble keystrokes.

Wallace: All right then, Velma, why don't you see what you can find on, say, me?

Veronica: It's Daphne, thank you very much.

---

Veronica: Wait, if I'm Daphne, what does that make you? Fred?

Wallace: Oh, no. If I gotta be any of those white boys, I gotta be Shaggy all the way, baby. Shaggy's got mad flavah.

Veronica: Aww, you still have a subscription to MAD Magazine? You're all about the flavor.

---

Veronica: Next time, could you shoot for a real teacher? Beause this has no potential benefit to my grade point average.

---

Luke: I wanted to get pumped for varsity baseball. I was pretty much down for whatever. Veronica: Including shrunken testicles and acne scars. Well, speaking for the women of America, good plan! --- Veronica: Time for a chat? Logan: Well. You'd think if Hell froze over, maybe it'd be on the news. --- Logan: Wow, you suck at this Nancy Drew stuff. You should get a new hobby. --- Luke: Am I in trouble? What? God! Veronica: We need to talk. Luke: All right, well does it have to be next to the feminine hygiene machine? --- Troy: Hey, sexy. Gimme a kiss, make all my troubles disappear? Veronica: All your troubles? That would take a lot of kissing. I'm just glad we weren't dating when you were kicked out of those two schools for drug possession and trafficking. My lips would've fallen off! Return Of The Kane Veronica: Why are you here? Lilly: Don't you watch any horror movies? My soul is doomed to walk the earth until justice has been served. Veronica: Really? Lilly: Yeah, that and, as kind of a side project, I dispense fashion advice. --- Madison: You're not allowed delivery! Wanda: And you're not allowed to breathe my air. Go! Shoo! Return to Xanadu. --- Veronica: Why would he have wanted to kill you? Lilly: Honestly! I was awesome, right? --- Ms. Dent: I was thinking maybe you'd be interested in covering the election for the student newspaper. Veronica: Sure. I'll write it up this afternoon. Ms. Dent: The election's tomorrow. Veronica: I can already see the headline: "Brown-nosing résumé packer wins in a landslide." --- Veronica: Bravo, Logan! It's a new low. And just when the critics were having some doubts. The Girl Next Door Veronica: You are so lucky he's your dog. I would immediately put him in a little sailor's outfit. --- Clemmons: Mr. Echolls. I was wondering if I could have a word? Logan: "Anthropomorphic." All yours, big guy. --- Logan: They teach you manners in ESL? Weevil: If I was gonna cheat, don't you think I'd pick someone smart? Logan: If you "was gonna"? --- Mr. Daniels: You know, the glow of your father's wealth and celebrity may be enough to sustain you through high school, Mr. Echolls, but do you know what it will get you in the real world? Logan: Please say high school English teacher. Please say high school English teacher. --- Weevil: Let me ask you something, man. Logan: Is this detention, or Hell? Weevil: How do you people not make yourselves sick? I mean, it's like you walk on water in this school. For what? It's nothing that you do. I mean, all that matters is who your parents are, and the zip code your mom shot you out in. Logan: If I donate to the United Latino Pain-in-the-Ass Fund, will you shut the hell up? --- Weevil: You're almost as bad an actor as your father. Logan: You know that you don't need a diploma to steal hubcaps, right? I mean, why do you even show up here? Weevil: I promised my grandmother. I don't break my promises. Logan: And I mean this: awww. --- Mr. Daniels: Is this Reno, or detention? Logan: Would you believe the best of both? --- Mr. Daniels: This is punishment, gentlemen, not party time. Logan: Well that would explain the absence of balloon animals. ---

Veronica: It sounded like a falling body. It really freaked me out.

Keith: A falling body?

Veronica: Yes. A falling body.

Keith: Would you describe the sound as Hitchcockian?

---

Drinking The Kool-Aid

Veronica: What is your deal? You're jacked up like some hillbilly kid who just stumbled into daddy's meth lab.

---

Keith: Come on, you've wanted one of these things since like you were five years old.

Veronica: I also wanted to marry Vanilla Ice and build the world's largest collection of Z-bots.

Keith: You asked me — no, you begged me for a waterbed like four years in a row. It was your obsession.

Veronica: Uh huh. It's all coming back to me now. The way you explained it, Santa was cool with the basic concept but had grave doubts about second floor deployment.

Keith: That well-known bedrock pragmatism of elvish culture.

---

Keith: This is so endearing. My badass action-figure daughter is afraid to draw a teensy little drop of blood.

---

Veronica: He joined a cult? What do they worship? Wedgies? Keggers? Their parents' platinum cards?

---

Veronica: You're an ex-cop. You know gangland enforcer types. Can't you find someone to intimidate the maintenance supe into fixing the hot water problem?

---

Veronica Voiceover: Forbidden barn? Check. Implied polygamy? Check. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a cult.

---

Veronica: I don't think I asked what you guys were growing.

Rain: I guess you could say it's the ultimate cash crop.

Veronica Voiceover: Yahtzee.

---

Veronica Voiceover: Wow. It's Bizarro world. Out here I'm Miss Popular.

---

Keith: You're covered in mud.

Veronica: See? That's why you make the big bucks.

---

Veronica: Heard anything incriminating yet?

Keith: Nope. It's like listening to The Brady Bunch with a reggae soundtrack.

---

Keith: Once you get past all the '60s theme park trappings, that community's a lot more wholesome and functional than, just for example, Neptune is.

An Echolls Family Christmas

Veronica: The downside to being an only child? You know all the scary handmade ornaments are yours.

---

Keith: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You gotta put another Padres ornament over there. ...What? They should be spread out so it's even.

Veronica: You know, there are some people who think Christmas is about the birth of Christ, and not baseball.

Keith: Well, we're all entitled to our own religions, Veronica.

---

Duncan: Sean, isn't that ghetto brew beneath you?

Sean: It's the new me. I am projecting a ghetto aesthetic. Word.

Connor: Man, where were you when I was playing the metrosexual in Lonely Season?

Sean: I was in high school, not getting paid a quarter of a million dollars to make out with Selma Blair, Connor.

---

Sean: Did you guys call each other?

---

Wallace: You know this is for a baseball camp, right? It's not like a hot guy catalogue.

Veronica: Do they have a hot guy catalogue?

---

Veronica: Oh, I am so sick of not having money. I'd be the best rich person. Seriously. I'd be the perfect combination of frivolous and sensible. Money is so wasted on the wealthy.

---

Duncan: I keep a journal on my laptop for the past...I dunno, three years. There was a time when you were kind of a feature.

Veronica: A feature with a cleverly disguised pseudonym?

Duncan: Let's just say...I was prolific.

---

Veronica: Hey.

Weevil: See, there you go with that head-tilt thing. You know, you think you're all badass but whenever you need something it's all, "hey."

Veronica: Just be glad I don't flip my hair. I'd own you.

---

Weevil: Could you, please, Veronica? Protect me from the big, bad, sweater vest-wearing rich boys?

Veronica: I'm just trying to help.

Weevil: In what alternate universe does it look like I need your help?

---

Sean: Can it be considered an embarrassment of riches if I'm not embarrassed?

---

Sean: That's what he decides to steal? What's he going to do with a Fabergé egg?

Logan: Two words, man. Huevos. Rancheros.

---

Keith: You have ten people wandering freely around your house right now. Do you even know them?

Lynn: Of course. They're the help.

---

Veronica: I love the smell of testosterone in the morning.

Logan: This is why I suggested attack dogs. But no, my mother wanted an alpaca.

---

Logan:  Annoy, tiny blonde one. Annoy like the wind!

---

Logan: It's a kindler, gentler Weevil.

Weevil: It's Christmas, even for delivery guys.

Logan: Pa rum pum pum.

---

Logan: Ho, ho...ho.

---

Weevil: You want a sodey-pop or somethin'?

Veronica: You know, I think I want something with a little more kick.

Duncan: Hey, no!

Weevil: Damn, girl!

Veronica: Mmm. Iced tea?

Duncan: Yeah.

Veronica: How very musical theater of you.

---

Veronica: And then, there's bachelor number three. And he's got it all. Motive. Access. Looks like an evildoer, smells like an evildoer, but surprisingly...not so much.

---

Veronica: I have to say, I was a bit miffed. I was this close to being able to say the butler did it. But no, it was the butler's son.

Sean: That doesn't prove anything.

Veronica: Well, that proves that you're a liar and the background check I ran on you proves that you've got a bit of a shoplifting problem. You are really bad at it.

---

Weevil: Seriously, don't I just blend right in? Come on. Where's Weevil?

Silence of The Lamb 

Keith: You don't go to the oceanside bars that the college kids hang out at, do you?

Veronica: I prefer the biker bar by the train station. I get more attention there.

---

Jackson: They're crazy strict. They grounded me for two months for smoking up in my room.

Wallace: Apparently you've never spent time in a black woman's house. Be glad you're still walking.

---

Lamb: Is your daddy here, or is he busy peeking in people's windows?

Veronica: You stop dressing up like Little Bo Peep, he'll stop peeking.

---

Veronica: Can I get anybody anything? Water? Coffee? A banana?

---

Mac: It's not that they're bad parents. They just...don't get me. They're nachos and NASCAR people and I'm more...

Veronica: Falafels and Fellini?

Mac: Exactly.

---

Mac: No way. That's got to be a mistake.

Veronica: Hello? Sleuth prowess

---

Keith: Hello, Cleveland! Spinal Tap.

Lamb: What?

Keith: The movie, Spinal Tap. You've never seen Spinal Tap?

Lamb: No.

Keith: That explains a lot.

---

Lamb: Strappin' on a guitar. Does it get rid of feelings of inadequacy?

Gabe: Does strappin' on a gun?

---

Veronica: "Cindy"?

Mac: It won out over "Barbie."

---

Vic: Mmm mmm. Now that one, I would've noticed.

Keith: That's my daughter.

Vic: Wouldn't mind havin' her call me "daddy."

---

Veronica: You looked in my bag.

Leo: I told you, I'm a scoundrel.

Veronica: A rogue deputy is among us. No sandwich is safe.

---

Lamb: You should have consulted me first.

Keith: What did you want me to do, consult you in Pig Latin? He was standing right there!

---

Veronica: I don't see how my age is relevant to this discussion.

Leo: Well then, you're not reading my mind.

---

Veronica: A cop that rocks. What will they think of next?

Leo: I'm trying to cover all fantasy bases.

---

Veronica Voiceover: You send target photos of me to my mom. You call in the Abel Koontz tip. Two words for you, Clarence Wiedman: game on.

Clash Of The Tritons

Ms. James: You know, you're never going to come to terms with Lilly's death if you keep all that pain bottled up inside you.

Veronica: Wow. I have that exact same platitude-a-day calendar at home. It's how I know beauty comes from within.

---

Veronica: Just out of curiosity, what are you gentlemen hoping to find in here? Al Capone? The Lindbergh baby?

---

Veronica: Know any good lawyers?

Cliff: Very cute. I know an adequate one who just posted your $500 bail.

Veronica: They take Diners Club here?

---

Wallace: La femme Veronica. I heard it took three officers and a stun gun to haul your butt outta school.

Veronica: You must be the only student who didn't see my walk of shame in person.

---

Veronica: Hi, Dad. Their case is fuzzy and circumstantial.

Keith: You know the odd thing? Those were also her very first words.

---

Wallace: Gave him the 4-1-1 on our video playback capabilities, you know, leaned on him. Like I was Shaft or somethin'.

Veronica: Shut yo' mouth!

---

Veronica: Let me see that. The ink is bleeding at the edges, the hologram is missing, and the photo...is that your yearbook picture, Wallace?

Wallace: So what?

Veronica: So this is a $250 piece of crap. Now I'm not just falsely accused, I'm genuinely offended.

---

Veronica Voiceover: I'm sure the Triton leaders consider this initiation painful for their pledges, but, honestly, aren't we the true victims?

---

Veronica: Nice performance, Duncan. I was wondering if you could introduce me a few of your Triton buddies.

Duncan: Brawny gods just flocked up to quiz and vex him.

Veronica: If you could just tell me who's in charge, then I could personally thank him for putting fake IDs in my locker and getting me hauled off to the Sheriff's Department.

Duncan: Quick wafting zephyrs vex bold Jim.

Veronica: That's very illuminating.

---

Veronica: Hi everybody! Say "repressed homosexuality!"

---

Sacks: Uh, it's just like she said. Found the fake in his locker. Veronica: Process of elimination: I didn't do it. Rick: What, me? Are you crazy? Veronica: How else do you explain the two fifty in your wallet? Lamb: Cough it up. Rick: Big deal, this money's mine. It doesn't prove anything. Veronica: Why don't you take a closer look at the one on top. Read what's written over Grant's head. Lamb: "Veronica Mars is...smarter than me." Veronica: Oh, you stop it! Lord Of The Bling Wallace: Did she really leave a note on a Blackberry? Veronica: Yeah. Talk about post-modern. --- Veronica: Hey, Dad. How's the back holdin' up? You remember to take your pills? Keith: Shouldn't you be doing your homework instead of nagging me? Thanks. Veronica: Next time, remember: lift drunk, combative bail jumpers with your legs, not your back. --- Wallace: Stop staring. It's just hair. Veronica: Resisting the urge to touch... Wallace: You keep resisting that urge. --- Keith: Hey honey, what's cooking? Veronica: Not quite sure myself. Something that ends in "-aroni." --- Duncan: Whoa! New student alert. Lilly: Glad to see you guys are equal opportunity oglers. Logan: Hey, I judge not by the color of the skin but by the content of their sweater. --- Logan: You guys prepared for the biggest blowout of all time? Duncan: Where are your parents going this time? Logan: Nepal. Sherpas lug their crap up and down a mountain for two weeks so they can take pictures of a yak. Veronica: While I take pictures of you yakking in the comfort of your living room. --- Logan: If you really want flowers, dying seems to be the way to go. Here's your costume. You know, if it's not sad enough, I can order you a veil.  --- Keith: Veronica, this is a Mars Investigations matter. I'm Mars. Veronica: And who am I? Keith: Veronica, and you're staying. Veronica: Veronica Mars. And you're on painkillers! And the bottle says don't operate heavy machinery and a car's heavy. --- Keith: What's this? Veronica: Clues. Valet stubs. I figure even kidnappers have to park. ...I know. Stay in the car. --- Logan: Girl is deadly at this. Duncan: You're letting her win. Logan: Yep, or maybe it's to let her get me drunk and she'll take advantage of me. Yolanda: Dream on. Veronica: Careful, Logan, Lilly's just sick, she's not dead. --- Keith: Ah, Veronica...this is really grasping at straws. Veronica: Make yourself useful. Get those things in a row. Mars vs. Mars Veronica: What about the woman who saw her jump? It's been on every channel. Logan: Well, if she's on the TV, she must be telling the truth. --- Veronica: Do something for me? Wallace: Let me guess...borrow her permanent file. Veronica: I remember when you were new and eager to please. Good times. --- Veronica: And you know that eyewitness that's been clogging up the airwaves? Logan: Yeah. Opportunistic hag. Veronica: That's the one. Well she's giving a statement at the sheriff's department tomorrow. I'll drop by, see if she's up for a chat. Logan: Well I'll go with you. Veronica: Actually, despite popular opinion, you really can't beat the truth out of someone. Logan: Listen, I'm going. Veronica: You're not. Logan: 'Kay, what are you gonna stop me with? Veronica: Force of will, strength of character, tenacity, karate chop? --- Logan: So, what? You couldn't get on Springer this week, so you make lies up about my mom? Veronica: Logan.... Logan: You know, I am sure the trailer payments must be high, and what with the high price of Spam these days.... --- Veronica: She must be going through a shy phase. Mr. Rooks: Not really. She's usually pretty gregarious. She must really dislike you. Veronica: There's a club she can join. --- Veronica: She's adorable. Mr. Rooks: Ah, if you get past her megalomania and reactionary politics. --- Logan: There's a woman who saw my mom get out of her car and get in a van with a mysterious stranger. Veronica: There's also a jungle tribe that worships Donald Trump's hair. It's a tabloid. Logan: What, so the girl with the pig arm can't really bowl? Veronica: I just don't want you to get your hopes up. Logan: I am not paying you to worry about my hopes. I'm paying you to follow leads. Veronica: I wasn't aware you were paying me. Logan: This isn't a favor, it's a job, you know. I mean, we're not exchanging friendship bracelets. Veronica: I'll stop braiding. --- Keith: Honey, you don't have to get all blue in the face. Veronica: Oh, you're patronizing me? Keith: To be fair, I am your patron. --- Veronica: Why were you fired from your last job? Mr. Rooks: How on Earth do you know — Veronica: I just do. Mr. Rooks: Wow. Maybe I should give more credence to the teacher's lounge gossip. Colleagues said you were...unique. Gifted? Unsettling? Veronica: I was hoping for "delightful," but what can you do? --- Mr. Rooks: I had the temerity to suggest that U.S. imperialism wasn't necessarily a good thing. They thought I was trying to turn their daughters into little beret-wearing, clove-smoking Bolsheviks. Veronica: Were you? Mr. Rooks: Niet! --- Veronica Voiceover: One problem with doctors, besides their fetish for making you wait half-naked in cold rooms, is they won't just let you ransack their files even if you ask real nice. So someone like me has to resort to methods the insurance companies would probably not support. Ruskie Business Veronica: Your mom had fourteen credit cards in her name at the time of her disappearance. This is the only one that's been active: the no-limit platinum card. Logan: Be my mom's weapon of choice. --- Meg: I think I have a secret admirer. Veronica: Oooh. [answers her phone] Hello? Hello? Oh, hi! Nice breathing. Yeah, just keeps getting better and better. Has your secret admirer been calling you all week and hanging up without speaking? Meg: No. Veronica: Hm. Lucky you. --- Meg: Caz is always flirting with me, but that guy would flirt with a trash can if it had boobs. --- Veronica: Purple-faced monkey orchid. Native to the King Leopold range in the Australian Outback. My deduction? Your secret admirer is an aboriginal tribesman. Meg: Uh huh. Veronica: Who shops at Manny's Flower Hut. Meg: Aha. What are you doing? Veronica: In the detective business, we call this...a clue. Meg: What about the text messages? Veronica: I've got my best man on it. --- Wallace: About this secret mission. Veronica: Whatcha got? Wallace: A reputation as a jock-sniffer. You can B your own FF. I'm retired. --- Wallace: Damn. This dog is a freakshow. He oughta be in show biz. Veronica: You think that's some kind of a rare breed or something? Wallace: That, or a drunk dingo had a three-way with a ocelot and a porcupine. --- Wallace: Mexican hairless. What the point of havin' a dog if it's bald? What are you gonna pet? Skin? Veronica: Stay on task, Wallace. --- Leo: Ms. Mars. You have something else to confess? Veronica: I'm just here for a little favor. What is that? Leo: Oh, we have this sketch artist up from San Diego. Figured I'd test him out. He's not bad. Veronica: I don't have horns. Leo: Yeah, I guess not. Memory really plays tricks on people. Karl: Hey, Veronica. Veronica: Hey, Karl. Karl: Long time, no see. What do you think? Veronica: Um, it's great. I finally feel "wanted." --- Leo: I don't know, Veronica. Veronica: Leo, there is a long and proud history of mutual back scratching between cops and private dicks. Leo: So when do you scratch my back? Veronica: Well, maybe I'll see you tonight when you and Sacks bust this party we're going to. Leo: I'm looking forward to it. Meg: Wow, Veronica. He totally wants to protect and serve you. --- Caz: Would you girls like a drink? Meg: Um...I'm fine. Caz: Yeah, you are super-fine. --- Meg: Granted, I would look good on Caz's arm, but do you have anything available in sensitive or charming? Veronica: I can check in the back. Meg: Good. Veronica: Mm-hm. I'm so sorry, Meg, I have to run. Can you find a ride home? Meg: Yeah, I'll be fine. Veronica: No, you'll be super-fine. --- Veronica: You're a prince, Leo. Leo: Yeah, I'm writin' that down. --- Yevgeni: Dasvidanya, Mr. Cruz. Keith: Oh! Prevyet! Leo: Put down your guns, now! Get your hands on your head! Get your hands on your head! "Prevyet"? Keith: It's Russian for "hi." I looked it up. --- Meg: Well? What do you think? Veronica: I look like Manila Whore Barbie. --- Logan: I love the '80s! Leo: Heads up, Risky Business at 12 o'clock. Logan: Come on, everyone, let's Wang Chung tonight! What? Everybody Wang Chung tonight! Wang Chung or I'll kick your ass! Betty and Veronica Wallace: Ooo. Is that your jock back there? Veronica: Do you need to jump back and kiss yourself? 'Cause I can wait. --- Nadine: Hi, Wallace. Wallace: Hi. Veronica: Who's the hoochie? Wallace: Nadine? She's in our grade. See, you need to socialize more, that's your problem. Veronica: Wait. That's my problem? Wallace: Yeah, I know. This school hasn't always been great to you. Veronica: The gentleman does have the gift for the understatement. --- Clemmons: Veronica. My office. Now. Veronica: I love this school. --- Clemmons: When we arrived this morning, we discovered that Polly was gone. Veronica: Missing, or...ffft? Clemmons: Missing! Veronica: Someone stole our mascot? Well, let's get to it. You "know" it was me and I know it wasn't and now I'm suspended or expelled, tarred, feathered... --- Clemmons: And what do you normally charge for something like this? Veronica: A lot. Yeah, it's gonna set you back. Clemmons: How far back? Veronica: Personal letter of recommendation; I'll write it, you'll sign it. My own parking space and...a different locker, preferably in the east hall. Clemmons: The letter and the locker. Fine. But you're not getting your own parking space. Veronica: Can you get me out of PE? Clemmons: No. Veronica: How about a few excused absences? Clemmons: How about one? Veronica: I'm thinking three. Clemmons: Miss Mars... Veronica: You're the one with the missing bird. Clemmons: Fine. Two. --- Wallace: I must say, I'm a little touched. You picked the locker next to mine. Veronica: This is prime real estate. Wallace Fennel-adjacent? Wallace: I'm tellin' you, this school is so much better than my old one. Look at this. Veronica: Wow, your own cookies? Wallace: Snickerdoodles. And they just appear in my locker, just like that. Open my locker, bam! Homemade cookies. And that's not all. Veronica: A peeled grape? Wallace: "Go Wallace. We love you. You rock." Veronica: Wow, a snack and an ego stroke. I wish I was a baller. --- Richie: Whoever stole it is my hero. Neptune High sucks. Believe me. Veronica: Oh, I do. --- Leo: Just so you know, in my mind, that daydream was about me. Veronica: Oh yeah? Leo: I was a little surprised you had me in full armor but, whatever. --- Weevil: Hey there, buddy. Lookin' for love in all the wrong places? Wilson: Me? I'm no one. Weevil: Where's the bird, Wilson? I'm nearly bursting with Pirate pride here. Weevil wanna punch a cracker. Wilson: What bird? Weevil: You wanna think about that answer, man? Wilson: All right, look, I know what you're talking about, but I didn't take the parrot, I swear to God. Weevil: Someone's going to H-E-double hockey sticks! --- Weevil: No more favors for you. Now I gotta feel bad for this kid. Veronica: If it's any consolation, I hate myself. --- Wallace: Why are you following me? Veronica: You say following, I say taking a walk with a friend. I'm just curious to know where you're going with the apple, the potato chips, and the raisins. Wallace: Forgot about that third eye. Veronica: So, whatcha up to? Wallace: Trust me, you do not want to know. Veronica: Oh, I hate to know things. Please tell me that's not filled with Polish hookers. --- Veronica: You stole a goat? Wallace: They stole our parrot. Matter of principle. Unlike you, I have some school pride. Veronica: And a goat crapping apples in the back of your buddy's van. Congratulations. --- Duncan: I think she's one of those SAAC girls. Veronica: Yeah, that's gonna need a little further explanation. Duncan: Uh, Students Against Animal Cruelty. They threw the bucket of blood on the homecoming queen a couple of years ago for wearing fur. Veronica: Bucket of blood. Have we learned nothing from Carrie? --- Veronica: Well, whoever they are, they've done a stellar job at concealing their identity. Jacket, mask, gloves, no visible "Hello my name is" sticker... --- Veronica: Richie, you are a really great guy and if the popular kids at this school were half as nice as you are, I'd want to be popular. I know that sounds weird but it's a huge compliment. So, good luck tonight. You're gonna need it. Wallace Fennel has a killer crossover, but it's really his sweetness and purity of spirit that makes him unbeatable. Kid: What did she just say to you? Richie: Beats the hell out of me. --- Veronica: You better warm up, Fennel. Wallace: You got Polly back? Veronica: I kinda rock. Kanes and Abel's Wiedman: I'm looking for Amelia DeLongpre. Roommate: Um, I'm sorry, she left about five minutes ago with some friend of hers. Wiedman: Could you describe this friend? Roommate: Tiny, blonde, cute as a bug. --- Sabrina: Veronica? I heard this was...kind of like your office. I need your help. Veronica: A little club soda on the sleeves? --- Caz: I would leap off the roof of that school if she asked me, you know. Veronica: Very caring gesture. --- Keith: You want me to find a call girl for your husband? Woman: Yes. He likes blondes. Keith: Look, I don't know if you were looking for "pimp" in the phone book and just stopped at "P.I."... --- Veronica: Hello? Yes, this is Miss Sabrina. Bad boy? Well... Nestor Greely of Encinitas. Twenty grand on credit cards, two divorces, and a repo'd Sebring. You have been a bad boy! Miss Sabrina commands you: put your pants back on and get a job! --- Caz: Sabrina, I would never hurt you. You know, if you asked, I would jump off the roof? Sabrina: Can I get you to stop that? Veronica: Ask him to jump. --- Vinnie: Miss Mars. Veronica: Mister Vanlowe. Vinnie: I, uh, hope you're not thinking of dying that hair because when you come work for me, you'll find that straying husbands are most likely to chase skinny blondes. No, I'm kidding, of course. They'll chase anything. But seriously, don't dye that hair. Keith: No hair advice for me, Vinnie? --- Lilly: My God, worst party ever. What are you doing at Nerdfest? --- Keith: Guess who stopped by today? Veronica: If you say Josh Hartnett, I am gonna to be so bummed. Keith: Clarence Weidman. He's the head of security for Kane Software. And for an hour after he left, I sat here wondering: what did I stumble on that has them so rattled that they'd send over their top guy? I wasn't sure what it was, but I was proud. Clearly, I was making them nervous. Then it occurred to me: I didn't stumble on anything. I haven't touched the case in months. Nope, I'm not scaring the Kanes. My seventeen year-old daughter is. Weapons Of Class Destruction Leo: Any chance I'm ever gonna get to see the inside of your apartment? Veronica: And what, exactly, are you hoping to see? Our good china, the screening room? Leo: Wanted to get a really good long look at your bedroom ceiling. Veronica: Wow! College girls must be easy. Leo: This is my 'A' material. They swoon. --- Veronica: Ah, the pretend-to-be-digging-in-the-fridge-rather-than-spying-on-your-daughter ploy. Bravo. Keith: Veronica, we need to talk. Veronica: He's a fine gentleman, pa. He'll come up with the dowry to marry me, just you wait. --- Veronica: On the bright side, if our parents get hitched, we could have bunk beds and stay up all night talking. Wallace: You're truly sick. Veronica: I've always wanted a little brother I could dress up like a little doll. --- Corny: Hey I was thinking of busting out of here. Maybe go to White Castle. Wanna come with? Veronica: There's no White Castle in Neptune. Corny: It's kind of an expression. --- Wallace: Clemmons. He wants to see you in his office, by the way. Veronica: He does? I'm beginning to think he has a crush on me. --- Mrs Murphy: Who would like to compare the character of the three Karamazov brothers? I'd like to hear from someone who hasn't spoken today. Ben? Ben: I didn't read it. I thought maybe I'd wait for the mini-series. --- Veronica: Hey, last night, you said something. Am I really your best friend? Wallace: Who else do you see in the running? Quit smiling at me. --- Wallace: I got you Norris's file. Veronica: You're saintly. Wallace: I get the top bunk. --- Veronica Voiceover: A girl must prioritise. Wallowing in the grief of betraying an ex-boyfriend or following the guy most likely to blow up Neptune High. Hell, give me a stick of gum to chew and I'll do all three at once. --- Ben: Is it all right if he goes outside? I'd like to talk to you. Logan: Dream on, Jump Street. I'm not leaving you alone with her. --- Norris: My parents are a little nosy. Veronica: It's probably more effective than the "Mind Your Own Beeswax" sign I have on my door. Although it does have a picture of an angry kitty on it. --- Norris: So, this is my weapon collection. Veronica: You must feel really safe at night, when the dragons come. --- Veronica Voiceover: Huh. That was easy. I think it, it happens. --- Mac: What did you ever do before you met me? Veronica: Ever see the first ten minutes of "2001: A Space Odyssey"? It was a lot like that. --- Veronica: Mac, if you were planning the Apocalypse on a Friday, would you ask someone out on a date for that weekend? Mac: Me? That's the only way I'd ask someone out. --- Wallace: In case you were wondering, Mr Clemmons? Not pleased. Veronica: I've lost sleep over it. Wallace: Did you have to mention Norris's school records? Someone could have put two and two together. Veronica: They will have to really speak sharply to me before I reveal my sources. Hot Dogs Veronica: Bob sells a house for $136,000. If he makes 5% commission for every house he sells, how much money did Bob earn on this sale? Weevil: All I know is, if your boy Bob only gets 5%, um, he's pushin' the wrong product. --- Keith: Honey, do I need to recap my Concerned Dad lectures? No running with scissors, no candy from strangers, no smartening up the local criminal element. --- Mandy: You're Veronica Mars, right? Veronica: Sometimes. Mandy: Do you think I could, like, hire you, or something? To help me find my dog? Veronica: That depends. Was he cheating on you? --- Leo: What is it about bad boys? Veronica: Um, tattoos, leather, parole violations. Total good-girl bait. Leo: I'm doomed. --- Weevil: No. Look, uh, the Kanes want me crucified for this and now that I'm 18... Veronica: Good-bye juvie. Hello community soap. --- Trina: Good morning, bro. Pop tart? Logan: Hm, a tart from a tart. Trina: He of the sickle wit. Can I ask you something? Logan: Hm. Will you look at that? There was a string attached to my pop tart. --- Logan: Twelve hours to hit me up for my dead mother's money. Hm, I wonder who had that in the pool? --- Trina: My boyfriend Dylan spotted me some cash a few months ago and...now he's bugging me about it. I, I can't get him off my back. Logan: Did you try standing up? --- Veronica: You prank-call Mandy? Lenny: What if I did? Veronica: Well, I want to congratulate you. Shake your hand. Congratulations! You've been named the world's biggest cockroach. This award is given in recognition of your unparalleled lack of decency and humanity. Bravo! You're gonna die friendless and alone. Lenny: Hey, everybody knows you're the biggest — Veronica: Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a snausage over your nose. If you use Mandy again to try to convince yourself that you're not a loser, I will ruin your life — got it? You got it? --- Wallace: I walked in on 'em making out on the couch last night. She was sittin' on his lap. Veronica: Hey, hey, hey! No discussing parental PDA at lunch! It's your rule! Wallace: Sorry. I can't be the only one with that image burned in my brain. I had to share. --- Veronica Voiceover: And it's time for the international language of... [blows air hown] --- Veronica Voiceover: So there's a dog man who hires these guys to return dogs. He drives a white van, or maybe a white horse, and he likes to spank busty women. Basically, that's any male living in Neptune. --- Veronica: Would it be weird for me to start my own drinking game? Like I have to do a shot every time someone asks for my help? --- Veronica: Trust me, you don't want to date me. I'm a train wreck. Seriously. The-the first guy I ever loved just dropped off the face of the earth, probably because of something I said, and the last guy I dated turned out to be a drug dealer, and I just made out with my dead best friend's boyfriend, who, incidentally, I hate. So. Train wreck. --- Leo: So, my response is supposed to be what? Thanks? Veronica: Probably overshooting a bit, huh? You could tell me that you understand. Leo: And that we could still be friends? Veronica: That'd be cool...'cause I need to follow this confession by asking for a favor. --- Veronica: Can I ask you kind of a weird question? Leo: Do you ask any other kind of questions? --- Veronica: All this time you've had Lilly Kane research in a box marked "Playboys" in the closet? Keith: Well, I figured it'd be safe there. It's the closed files, it's just the non-essential stuff. Veronica: You think you're slick, don't you? Keith: Only 'cause I am. M.A.D  Dick: Uh oh. Someone's got her eye on that Miss White Trash title. Beaver: Yeah, you know, you got a solid effort in the talent competition, but I'd like to see that car up on some cinder blocks. Logan: Guys, come on.... Veronica: I know. "Guys, come on. The talent is making a grilled cheese sandwich on the engine block." "Guys, come on. You can't put your car up on blocks in the yard if you don't have a yard." You know, I think I can do both sides of this little act now. So how 'bout next time, you don't bother? I got it covered. --- Veronica: What? I blockaded the door. I hung an "Out of Order" sign. Logan: This is wrong. I mean, a boy in a girls' bathroom. It's just... Veronica: So wrong, it's right? Logan: Yes. --- Logan: I am beyond tardy for my physics class. If I remember right, time travel is not yet possible. Veronica: So try petty corruption. --- Veronica: No offense, but you look...odd. Wallace: I just watched our parents cuddle on the couch last night. My eyes, they burn. Veronica: Any idea what our parents do Mondays and Wednesdays from six to ten that requires an overnight bag? Wallace: As far as I'm concerned, they play bingo at the VFW. That's my story, I'm stickin' with it. --- Keith: Hey honey, how's school? Veronica: You know. Mean kids, indifferent teachers, crumbling infrastructure. So, why are you smiling? Keith: 'Cause I'm savoring the irony. Imagine the Mars family sending our heir, Veronica, to an Ivy League college with money from the bounty on the Kane heir. --- Mac: Man, Veronica. Have you ever asked for help with anything normal? Veronica: What fun would that be? --- Tad's Friend: Isn't the gay prom next Friday in the Dog Beach men's room? Seth: So I guess I'll see you there, sailor. Tad: What'd you just say to me, Boy George? Seth: Come on. The Navy? "Cover my back, wingman! The rear admiral wants us to pound away with the ten-inch gun!" --- Weevil: What are you doin' here? You miss me? Veronica: Alternator trouble. Think your uncle can return the LeBaron to all its original glory? Weevil: He could get it ready for Daytona if you pay him enough. Veronica: That won't be necessary. --- Weevil: Don't give me that look. If you really thought I'd hurt Lilly you'd have a homing device on my ass already. --- Veronica: Do you think this...thing will ever get more normal? Logan: What, like will we ever hang at the mall and hold hands and buy each other teddy bears with hearts that say "I wuv you bear-y much"? Veronica: Yes, exactly that. Except I want my bear won through some sort of demonstration of ring-tossing ability. --- Logan: Oh my God. Did I just get caught by my dad making out on the couch? Veronica: Yeah, you got caught by your dad. I got caught by the star of Breaking Point and Beyond the Breaking Point. That's weird. --- Veronica: How long does it take you to create a highly incriminating, thoroughly libelous, sexually explicit website? Mac: Uh...forty-five minutes, give or take? --- Logan: Ah, mass transit. But why take the bus when you can drive your very own rustbucket? I had my dad's driver pick it up. Full of fresh stolen parts, ready to go. Veronica: Wow, I'll just try to keep this little gesture in mind this weekend when you and Dick and the Beaver are off getting blasted and scamming cheerleaders. Logan: Yeah...yeah. Actually, I had to tell Dick I'm not available, 'cause I have other plans. Veronica: There are cheerleaders with low self-esteem available domestically? --- Veronica: I'll pencil you in. Logan: So it's, uh...what is the word? A date? --- Cliff: "Screw you, pig." Nice. Okay, like a big girl now? --- Veronica: It's all fun and games until one of you gets my foot up your ass. --- Veronica: How's it hangin', Tad? Let me guess: uncomfortable? --- Veronica: Yeah, I know. You roofied your girlfriend. "Class" with a capital "K." A Trip To The Dentist Keith: Buenos dias. I know. Of all the countries under military dictatorship in all the world... Duncan: So did they give you the jet to take me back home? Or am I supposed to click my heels? --- Logan: Hey, Veronica. Hey, will you stop for two seconds? Weevil: See, when they run away like that, it's kind of a hint they're not interested. Logan: Look, you do not want to start with me today, Paco. Weevil: Are you sure? It was in my day planner under "Goals." --- Logan: I'm not leaving. Veronica: It's kind of a bad time. Logan: Okay. So I should come back when, never? Will that work for you? --- Meg: Can we skip English today? I have some sort of Hemingway-related narcolepsy. We start talking about The Sun Also Rises and I fall asleep. Veronica: Don't blame Papa, blame Mrs. Murphy's monotone. ---  Veronica: Remember when I saved you from drug dealers and I said I may call upon you for a favor someday? Luke: You didn't say that. Veronica: It was implied. --- Veronica: I heard you went to TJ with Sean and Logan and scored some GHB. Luke: Wow, that was like a...that was like a year ago. I don't have any now. Veronica: I was gonna spike your juice box and have my way with you. --- Veronica: You can keep asking, but you're not the fairest, trust me. Madison: I can tell you who the pastiest is. What's the deal, can't buy bronzer with food stamps? --- Veronica: You wrote "slut" on my car last year at Shelly's party. Why? Madison: Because "whore" had too many letters. --- Alicia: She put a listening device in a plant, had my son deliver it to my place of business! Keith: And she has her reasons. Alicia: Her reasons? She's seventeen! Keith: She's not your average seventeen-year-old. --- Keith: Your life would be better if you weren't working for me. Veronica: Are you kidding me? You're the best father in the world. I mean, come on, look at me. I'm healthy, happy, good grades, all my own teeth, fancy shoes. I never would have gotten through this past year if it wasn't for you. Keith: If it wasn't for me you wouldn't have to. --- Sean: What? Veronica: I'm just thinking of all the ways I can destroy you. Sean: Well you sitting there grinning is kind of torturous. Veronica: So Shelly Pomroy and I were thinking of getting together later for a little girl-on-girl, you wanna come with? Wow. You know, when you're about to soil yourself, you get a little twitch right in your eye. ---  Keith: You see another special on dust mites? Veronica: They're disgusting, they're everywhere, and they must be destroyed. Keith: I have any messages, or did you boil them? Veronica: Just a fax. Apparently that package you've been waiting for is in Vegas. Is it a white Bengal tiger? Keith: No, it's the entertainment lawyer I've been tracking for the past year. My source in Vegas spotted him. I'm gonna have to leave as soon as possible. Maybe you want to stay with a friend or something? Veronica: And miss an opportunity to have the apartment to myself so that I can raid the liquor cabinet and watch Skinemax? No, wait, I'm a girl. I'm gonna do my homework, secure all the locks, brush, floss, and crawl into bed with an overly protective pit bull. --- Veronica: Then why did you leave me there? If it was so tender, and loving, why did I wake up by myself searching for my underwear? Duncan: Because I had to get out of there! Veronica: You had to? Duncan: Yes! I woke up, I, I saw you there, I realized what I did... Veronica: What did you realize was so bad? What did you do? Duncan: I slept with you! Veronica: But it was consensual, right? Duncan: Yes! Veronica: Then what about that is so wrong? Duncan: Because you're my sister! And I knew it! Even after my mother told me, I tried to just cut you out of my life. I loved you! I tried not to, I tried not to, but it won't go away! --- Veronica: This is so not an "I told you so," but do you see why I kinda keep things to myself? I think I can go home now. Wallace: Maybe you should just stay here. Veronica: No, I feel better. Of course, you feel worse. Wallace: No, I don't care about me. I just wish I could do something. Or say something. Veronica: You don't have to say anything. That's kind of the good part. --- Dick: Dude, what the hell are you doing? Please tell me this is like, some new reality show called My Skank. Logan: Goodbye, Dick. Dick: What? Logan: Get out of my house. You have a problem with Veronica, you leave. Actually, you have a problem with Veronica, you're pretty much dead to me, so just, like, evaporate or something, I dunno. --- Meg: It's her thing. She does it to people she doesn't like. She spits in the cocktail and calls it "a trip to the dentist," 'cause we're in eighth grade. --- Logan: Now, see, why can't it just be like this? Why do there have to be all those other people in this world? Veronica: What are you doing? Logan: You're too short. It means I level the playing field. Veronica: Is this where you take all your conquests? Logan: Nope, only the short ones. --- Logan: Hey, I have to tell you something. Veronica: I'm sorry, we're past the confessional portion of this program. We're on to the make out. Leave It To Beaver Cliff: Tell me this is a joke. You want to sue the Kane family? Keith: Yes. Cliff: Please tell me there's another Kane family in town. Maybe a Boris and Gilda Kane? Keith: They'll settle. Cliff: Oh. They will. Well, that's good to hear. Seems like you have this pretty well sewn up. Anything you need me to have notarized? --- Wallace: "Since his removal from office, Keith Mars, the ousted sheriff, has tirelessly, single-handedly continued his own investigation despite being shunned by the community at large." Veronica: You'd think it might be gross to read a love letter to your dad, but I kind of enjoy it. Wallace: All I know is if I was him, I'd be "I told you so"-ing all over Neptune. --- Wallace: My "blonde pulling me into the girls bathroom" fantasy? Ruined. Veronica and Wallace: [simultaneously] Do me a favor? --- Duncan: So, anyone read the paper today? Garfield. I mean, will he ever learn? Oh yeah, and there was this other thing...I guess Abel Koontz didn't kill Lilly. Let's open the floor for discussion on that one, what do you say? --- Veronica: Hey. Logan: Oh. I exist? Thought I felt different today. --- Celeste: Veronica relinquishes any future claim to the Kane estate. Barry: Contracts are prepared; all we need is your daughter's signature. Cliff: Future claims? So what, she slips and falls outside Kane Enterprises, tough toenails? --- Veronica: You're not trying to burn a hole through a stack of paper using only the power of your stare again? --- Veronica: What? Was I supposed to sign in blood? Keith: Do you know what you just signed away? Veronica: There's nothing that I want from them. Keith: Nothing. You didn't sign away a thing. Veronica, I am without a doubt your father. Veronica: Oh yeah, you are! Keith: You think that charm of yours is learned behavior? That's genetics, baby! --- Lamb: You said you were in Mexico the day of Lilly's murder. Why? Logan: How many episodes of NYPD Blue did you have to watch to get the finger tapping down? Lamb: I asked you a question. Logan: And I ignored it and moved on. Keep up. --- Logan: Hey, it's me. Hey, I'm in kind of a jam. Yeah, I'm here at the lovely sheriff's department, being grilled without representation I might add. Hey, do you think, uh, you could track down my father, maybe work some of that Veronica magic that gets people out of these things? Veronica: Sure. I'll...do whatever I can. Logan: Thanks. Well, I'd love to chat, but I have a guest. --- Lamb: Keith. What can I do for you? Keith: The Echolls kid. What'd you find out? Lamb: Among other things, I'm pretty sure he's dating your daughter. That, uh, girl of yours, she's pretty hard-boiled, huh? --- Logan: So, I guess we broke up, huh? Veronica: What do you want me to say, Logan? Logan: "Logan, I'm gonna go home and put my head in the oven because I can't go on living knowing what a heartless bitch I am." Something like that! Veronica: So you're saying you want me dead? Logan: Yes. Veronica: One word from me and Backup goes for your throat. Logan: Is that what you'd do, boy? You'd tear out my throat? Who's a man killer, huh? Who's a man killer? --- Keith: Hey! Get away from her! You get away from her, now! Logan: I keep thinkin' that things can't get worse, you know? You know what? She's all yours. Keith: You two are dating? Veronica: Not anymore. --- Lilly: Veronica, you have to check this out. That guy I met in Italy last summer? Veronica: Yeah? Lilly: He sent me some pictures. Veronica: Doing some rewiring? Lilly: Celeste is a bit on the nosy side. Veronica: Yuck. Lilly: Tell me about it. I'm getting even, though. I left phone numbers on matchbooks for Tyrone and Leroy and Chico around the room. Give the woman a little drama in her life. Veronica: Wait...who's Tyrone and Leroy and Chico? Lilly: Beats me, but they seem to really upset Mom. --- Aaron: I want those tapes back! Lilly: Mr. Echolls, hi! Sorry, Logan's not here. Aaron: I am not playing with you. Lilly: Oh, really. Well, you're usually very interested in playing with me. Aaron: Lilly, give me the tapes, now. Lilly: Like, what, you don't see yourself enough on film? --- Aaron: Veronica? You're an odd duck. Hey, how many teenage girls keep walkie-talkies in their car? --- Aaron: I'll let you out as soon as I have my tapes back. Veronica: No, thanks. Honestly, I feel safer in here. Aaron: Well you know, you shouldn't. --- Aaron: You know, Lilly never told me where the tapes were hidden either. I, I kinda think there's a cautionary tale in that, Veronica. Something like I'm not going to let a seventeen-year-old piece of ass RUIN MY LIFE! --- Keith: Hey, who's your daddy, huh? Veronica: I hate it when you say that. --- Veronica: Isn't it better, like this? Lilly: So much better. Veronica: This is how it's supposed to be. Lilly: Totally. Veronica: This is how it's gonna be. From now on. Right? Lilly? Lilly: You know how things are gonne be now, don't you? You have to know. Veronica: Just like this. Just like this. Lilly: Don't forget about me, Veronica. Veronica: I could never. --- Veronica: I was hoping it would be you.