I see you
Staring back
At me?
No
At him, at her
Never at me
Though I'd give all
You'd dismiss it
For those less perfect
As if my life
Were so much worse
Compared to theirs
Because I'm never
Good enough
Smart enough, attractive enough
The list goes on
That list you created when
Your eyes swept over me
With a disregard
For what you were doing
For the soul you'd wound
Because, hey
I am he
Whose vital signs don't matter
Whose pulse
And breathing rate
Were forgotten
Like a bad memory
Or a lost love
Am I both?
Doomed to live
Without your warmth
As you let me go
Forcing yourself
To ignore the pain
To brush off the hurt
As I exchange it
Replace it
With whatever else I can
A blank indifference
A dark disinterest
Anything to help
Because, emotionless
Is the name to describe
The boy whose vital signs don't matter
Whose value
Would fall and fall
With ever word
Spoken not for anybody
Except you
Because that is how much you mean
How much I care
How much I try
How much I persist
Even in light of your
Slow decent
Into a different place
Where I don't exist
For, that is how you wish it
That is your goal
And there is where
You will find yourself
And eternal happiness
Ignorance is bliss, they say
But for you
Bliss come without exchange
You are you
I am I
Leave me be
Frivilous, it seems
Such a distant memory
Recaptured by your soul
Caught because I couldn't
Let it go, let you fade
Into the dark depths
Same as the infinity
Into which you cast me
And the keys I gave you
Not just the keys for my world
But the keys to my heart
That I so eagerly entrusted you
Thinking you'd hold them dear
Intstead of throwing them away
Treating them like trash
The keys and I
We can relate--
We were both scarred by you
Both trapped, like that memory
A scary nostalgia
Reminds me of the ultimatum
Given to you
When I'd reclaim my keys
Who thought you'd be allowed
To create a binding will
A soft inscription on the tablet of my life
The memory neither of us could let pass
Because, even to you
Who would steal hearts
Memories cannot be lost
My tears
Fall straight to the ground
And mark
The spot you left
Though I debate
Whether you were ever here
And I'll never ask
Why you came
Be careful
The words given to me
When you walked in
Too bad I don't know how to listen
Because those words
Could have saved me
So many times over
Had I known what you'd do
It could have been avoided
Perhaps
I may have saved myself some hurt
Maybe
Then again
Love is love
And love isn't love
If you didn't hurt someone
So, shoot me
You hurt me
Does that mean you loved me?
Or, are my wishes as fleeting as the birds above?
Or as fleeting as your heart
Which seems to flip-flop
Not that it's a big deal for you
I just wish it'd stop
Fixed on one point
Like my gaze
Held on you
"I'll love you forever"
Said you as you teetered
On the edge between truth and deceit
To play with fire
To dance with the devil
On the line between heaven and hell
Even if it means
To hurt everybody else
And to lie waste to friendships
But that is you
I wouldn't love you if you
Weren't everything you were supposed to be
Like my knight
In shining armour, protecting me
Though, you don't quite live up to your title!
"You don't have to worry"
Said he as he neared me and kisst me
And held me, asking for my forgiveness
I'd give it to him
If only for a moment
But at a price, though he'd never do it
If he'd just stop walking that line
On the edge between truth and deceit
Dancing with the devil between heaven and hell
Blacker still
Fades my vision
As my conscious
Drifts farther away
And I want to cling
Even to that memory
That so ardently kept me
Held me ambivalently
But you’re letting them go
And I’m seeing them go
And I want to go
And you’re laughing
As I slowly bleed out
My thoughts blanketing
Heartbeat slowing
Breath shallowing
You let me go
You made me go
Stop, think for a second
Don’t let me leave
And I can't tear my eyes
from your tears
Nor can I ask
why you've gone
I can only laugh
At my poor soul
for you have passed
judgement on me
And I see you with
him. And I wonder why
how I mean so little
When you said
You loved me so much
and I wouldn't let you hear
I love you too much
because I won't
I just won't
let my heart wither
your promises hollow
our time extinguish
If I could let you know
unplug your ears
look up at me
look.
I can't understand
Why your breath lingers
My lips tingle
Let my heart just stop
Stop beating so fast
Stop bleeding
Stop moaning
Stop weeping
For if I could taste silence
I would sit and bask
Let it fill
Pervade
But only with you
holding our hand
dancing
Swirling about
Spinning through seas
of tender nights
of warm twilights
of forgotten sights
And when we stop
fall to the ground
our banter fading
When our days wane
And your heart's drum wears
My hope's zephyr
Will fall stagnant
Flip-flop
Don't let my heart stop
Tick-tock
Let's keep dancing; don't stop!
To dance
Holding your hand
To wish
Holding my breath
As I watch
Your smiles and laughs
And ask where
Do I fit in?
Might I be
simply the viewer
the hearer
the recorder
Never your
Director
Singer
Writer
The creator
of what you call
A happiness ever
after I'm gone,
I hope you
Wonder where life
asks you to look
and question
What kind of friends
would hurt you
and who, of them
wouldn't dance
And just look at
the things I've done, working to
My own death
Just dance
I'll watch
And wish
I
don't understand
Because, as much as I
think
I can't wrap my thoughts
into a single package
devoid of
emotion
And I realize
I'm confusing
I guess that's bad because you're
normal
Too normal
to live with my
constant wrecks and
falls
But I still don't get
You
And your
Compassion
I will never get how
You care
Without even
Caring
Why do you
Matter? Or feel?
Because I can only
Emote
And as much as I
try to care more
If my soul were deeper I'd
Die
Just, work on your résumé
And I'll work on
figuring-out this
Love
Your hands
Nor your eyes
Or ears
and especially not your mouth
Use only your heart
To see what I feel
What's really down there
Because I promise you
I am not what I appear
The happiness is, as I've heard
What you see when
The indifference lies
to cover the pain
And the irony
is that you've caused that pain
Even though all you had to do...
I pay attention
I see what you won't let me
Though I hurt when you
Cover it up as though I'm a stranger
You're a stranger!
feel for one.
I can't see your face
But your expressions
I see everything
So, step back, boy
Maybe if you feel
I'll let you see me feel
Behind me
now
As I sit and stare
Dusk crawling
Unto memories
unawares
Feet moaning in the
moist dust
violet skies
Clouds tumbling upon
heartache, upon
us
Let's not fall
Into sunsets long
past and
our days
Withering wilting
Soft tree branches
Dancing dancing
Until
peace
Inside a unified soul
through eyes colliding
with death
Pure ecstasy
in laughs since etched
solemnly into an
immortality