at this very moment i'm sitting in my kitchen, and my grandma is washing the dishes and my brother isn't home from school yet (ps. thanks for the lyrics) and i really want to break open the gingerbread house on the counter, but i wont cause then i'll be grounded for smashing and ingesting it. and then if you invite me over to your house, i'll have to sneak out of the window while my parents are sleeping, but you'll be sleeping too, so then i'll have to pretend that im a burgular and break into your house and then go up to your room and wake you up by sticking trans fats down megan's throat which will cause her to scream, waking you from a fluffy (love that word) dream about orlando bloom without a shirt on (AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (in a good way)) and then megan'll be like, "woah, how'd i get into aly's room" and i won't want to tell her, so i'll run to radio shack and buy a cellphone with which i'll call mackenzie to tell megan why she's in your bedroom, then steven's mom will have been

in line in front of me a radio shack and she'll recognize me and be all,"woah, it's my daughter in law. how's the baby?" and i'll be all,"woah, i ain't got no baby!" (and i'll be telling the truth) but mrs. pletcher won't believe me, so i'll have to go buy more minutes for my cellphone to call carrol to hire a lawyer so that i can sue mrs. pletcher, but then carrol will have been singing phantom of the opera in the street and she's singing so loud that she can't hear her cell ring, so i have to forcefeed megan more trans fats so that i an get carrol's attention. but then megan will die of a heart attack, so you and me and mackenzie and carrol will have to go find a spot to bury the body. but my now the sun has come up, and my parent's are looking for me, and they see the four of us running down the street carrying a dead girl and then they shoot us all with tranquillizer darts and so we fall asleep. but it was snowing so that the plow comes barreling through, and bufor my parents get a chance to shove us all in body bags, the plow carrys us away and we are taken to the ends of the earth, where we finally wake up and meet jack sparrow and he says,"woah, who are you?" and then we say," woah! we were sent to..." but then barbosa appears to bring jack back to life, and so we're left alone in thsi dark abyss. and then carrol remembers that she still has her cell, but it doesn't get servie, so we build a satalite out of gum wrappers and we contact these aliens who come and rescue us and take us to their planet, but they're really evil and so they put us to sleep and probe us and cut out our guts and stuff. but then we remember the fact that this is against the 467 ammendmant, and so we are allowed to go home, but i'm a wanted criminal, and you're not, so we join the underground railroad, and then we meet harriet tubman, but then mackenzies realizes that h.t. died a long time ago, and says, "woah, you're like dead!" and h.t. says, "woah, i am, aren;t i?" and so she tells us to burry her, but we don't want to, cause we already have to burry megan. so instead we drop h.t. off a cliff, but not before we light her on fire, and sing. and then, this giant carrot guy comes and gives us free samples, and we eat them, but then we realize that the carrot guy is really steven that died himself orange and we're alll like "woah! it's the freak!" and then he's all like "woah! i'm no freak!" and so we kick him in the nuts and run. and then we run so fast that it brings megan back to life and she's all,"woah! i ate trans fats, and they actually tasted good!" and so we put a crown on megan and say, "woah! megan is our queen!" but then, since this aint a monarchy, we;re sent to jail and we meet my parents in the slammer, cause they got in trouble for killing the snowplow guy. and then there's a lot of llamas in jail too, cause they made spitting illegal. and then i find this one llama that's really nice, and her name is cupcake, and i feed her some hot sa uce that i found in my coat pocket, but then her head explodes and so i have to clean up llama brains. and then, finally, mr notter shows up to pay our bail, but there's only enough to get 5 people out of jail, and there are 6 people, so we have a vote to see who stays, and we pick megan, cause she's got rabies now from eating too much trans fats. and then we're free, but i'm still grounded for eating the friggin' gingerbread house. ( and now, since it took me so long to write all that, tony got home, and he's makig stress balls, and his classmates are making scented stresss balls, and that is realyl a sucky idea, so i'm not gonna take one of their crappy stress balls) more hints: i can ramble for an hour and a half, and still not get tired of talking. i'm eating pasts right now. that gingerbread house looks really good, maybe just a bite...

chapter 1

i am sitting at my computer, typing away like i do alot, and now mia is about to run out the door. i stick my foot out in front of her to try to get her to stop, but it;s too late,

she runs out the door, but not before she yells, "SEEYA SUCKERS! HAHAHA!" and runs down the street like a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot day in august... anyway, mia s

running away, and i am frantically running after her, but i cannot catch up, so i fall, stumbling hopelessly down the road. and then this gigantic truck comes barreling

through, and i am smushed merciessly. and my guts are sprawled out over the road. and my blood is too. and my brains. and my skin. and my eyeballs. and all the other

stuff that can get sprawled out on the road. anyway... mia is still running, but then her "lila just got smushed by a barreling truck" sense tingles, and she runs to Alexis's

house and says,"oh you great, wonderful person, you must help me save my big sister." and alexis says,"oh of course, because i cannot stand to live another day without

hearng lila belch at the top of her lungs" so then mia and alexis go running down the road, and they come to a corner and there is this hobo standing there with a sign that

says, "i need money for drugs." so alexis and mia tell the hobo,"if you help us scrape lila's guts off the road, we will give you money." and then the hobo agrees and they

go off to find aa shovel. once they find a shovel, they realize that the shovel has dog crap on it, so they have to go to find someone to get the dog crap off of the shovel. but

then, half way down the street, bob, (the hobo) finds a ten dollar bill and leaves. so now it's just alexis and mia again. and they get to erin's house and say,"erin, help us get

the dog crap off the shovel," and erin says,"no, that's disgusting. i'll just get yuo a new shovel." so they go and get a new shovel. and then they walk back to the spot where

lila was smushed by a barreling truck. and they scape off all her guts from the road. and her brains, and her eyeballs, and her blood, and all that nasty stuff. and then they

drop it into a bucket. and they carry the bucket into the garage. and mia says,"we have some glue in the house," so mia goes inside to get the glue, but there is no glue

left. so mia says,"we can use EZ cheese instead." so they put lila bck together with EZ cheese. and then they all walk proudly down the street. and while they walk

proudly down the street, they see emily in her car, with her cute little baby sister. and they all say,"hey emily and cute baby Lily!" and emily doesn;t recognize them cause

everyone got some EZ cheese on them, so emily says, "who are you?" and they say,"we are your friends" and then emily joins the parade. so now, emily and erin and

alexis and mia and EZ cheese lila are marching proudly down the street. and emily spots bob and says,"hey look, and hobo!" and they all rush over to say hi to bob. and

bob, since he has a drug overdose, doesn't recognize them either and says some bad words. and then the proud family (which we've elected to call ourselve) march away.

and then they go through the park, on a leisurly stroll. but then mia sees a rare north american alpaca and she begins to chase it, in order to take some of it's fur and clone

it. but the alpaca is too fast, and runs away. so mia goes bolting after the rare north american alpaca. and the cheesey girl and the sort of cheesy friends and emily go

running after mia and the rare north american alpaca. and they chase mia and the rare north american alpaca all the way to tinbuktu. and while they're in timbuktu, they

come across a tribe of canibals. but the cannibals think they are the chiefs, so now the dog and the not cheesy girl and the sort of cheey girls and the smushed by a

barreling truck and glued back together with EZ cheese girl are the cheifs of the timbuktuan cannibals. but they don't want to be, because they have to get bac home and

watch gilmore girls with megan. so they find some nail polish remover in emily's purse, and they melt the cannibals with nailpolish remover. and then they catch the A train

all the way back to megan's house where they wathc the gilmore girls. and it's the episode when all the people die, so megan get's really mad, and starts to throw things at

the tv. and so we try to calm her down, but then megan goes crazy and starts to foam and stuff. and so then to calm her down, they have to sacrifice lila by taking out all

the EZ cheese from her to feed to megan. and megan finally calms down. and then they have to put lila's remains in a bucket again. but the bucket had a hole in the

bottom, so lila's remains fell onto the floor, and when mackenzie

came in, because she thought gilmore girls started a 5 mt time instead of 5 est. time, she slipped on lila's remains and fell and broke three arms. and then megans's

like,"wait, you only have two arms, how can you break three arms??" and mackenzie explains that in ancient egypptian rituals, arms and legs were the same thing, so she

could technically break four arms, but only broke three. and now they have a parapallegic mackenzie, a smushed lila, and a whole bunch of other people. and they don't

know what to do. so they decide to go see carrol on broadway. because carrol accidentally tried out for the wrong play, and ended up on broadway. and so they go to see

carrol on broadway, and they say,"carrol that was the most beautiful play ever," and carrol says sadly, since she was only a donkey's behind in the play,"no, it wasn't" so

they have to go take carrol to CVS to buy her some of those 99 cent cady bottle things to cheer carrol up. and carrol drinks the candy bottle things, and then she feels

better. so then they decide to take lila's remains and mackenzie's wheelchair to a chiropractor, to see it any help is left for them. and there isn't any halp left. sothey sue

the chiropractor. and then, while they are in the lawyer's office, they see aly, who is sueing her parents for not letting her scale the side of the house. and they say, "hey

aly!" and aly says,"hey, what happened to lila and mackenzie?" so they tell her the story, and since it absolutly devastated aly, they had to go back aly's house and tell

her parents that aly is in depression. and erin thinks of an idead that is to see if bob can give them some of hs drug money to buy more EZ cheese. and bob does. so now

they go and buy more EZ cheese, and put lila vack together. and they all live happily ever after, except poor mackenzie who is still missing the use of three of her arms.

and so to make mackenzie live happily ever after, they give her some plastic surgery to make her look like donald trump, and then people give mackenzie lots of money, so

then mackenzie is happy. the end. or is it the end? could there possibly be more thoughts in the twisted mind of this story's creator? i believe that there are...

chapter 1.5: mushroom farming

one fine day, aly, lila, mackenzie, alexis, carol, emily, and erin. and megan. were very bored so they decided to take up a new hobby. aly suggested mountain climbing. so all the people went to the sports athority to buy mountain climbing gear. all the people bought plenty of rope and grappling hooks, and thumbtacks and crampons to climb the mountains with. and then they got in lila's EZ chees mobile and drove to mt. everest. "it's really big," says emily. "yeah," agrees erin. "i have to pee,"says lila. so she has to take off all her mountain gear so she can go find a can. when she returns, her bladder empty, they get climbing up the mountain. halfway up, aly realizess that they forgot their oxygen tanks, so they have to go back down to base camp. "but aly, we were so close," whines megan like a little baby. "and i really wanted to get to the summit,"mackenzie says. "but we'll die," aly informs them. "'tis better to die than to not climb!" shouts this dude that they happen to pass at that exact moment. "that was weird," says alexis. then tney all watch the guy fall off the side of mt. everest and die. "let's go home, this is creepy," lila says. "okay," agree the people.

so they go home. and when they get home, they realize that they;re bored again. so then erin thinks of an idea. they decide to try erin's idea of tatooing people. so they open up erin, emily, mackenzie, carol, alexis, aly, and lila's tatoo store and start a business of giving biker dudes tatoos. and all went really well until one bike dude asks if he can get a tatoo on his behind. "we don't do behinds," says erin "but we do do heads," says alexis. "but i don't want a head tatoo," says the biker dude. "then you will have to leave," says mackenzie. then this stray monkey comes inside and ruins all the tatoo stuff, and carries the biker dude and his leather clad girlfriend with big boobs away.

"what was that about?" asked emily once all the commotion died down. "i don't know," says carol,"but that monkey made the tatooing maching run over me, and now i have a tatoo of a pineapple on my forehead." and so the people get some chemicals to try and remove the tatoo of a pineapple from carol's forehead, but it doesn't work. "well that idead sucked," says megan. then a flying pig comes in and drops a scroll on megan's head,"what the crap is this?" she opens the scroll. inside is a message. the message says,"MeEt Me OuTsIdE oF tHe MaLl If YoU wAnT tO sEe YoUr FrIeNd AgAiN." "what friend?" asks aly, since she was reading over megan's shoulder. then the people realize that lila is missing. "oh no! they've captured lila!" shouts mackenzie, and then she faints dramatically into carol's arms. then, since the people are girls, and girls don't like unconcious people, they all faint. and so now they are all in a body heap on the floor. and for three and a half hours they lay there unconcious and decay and rot and the maggots eat away at their flesh. except carol, who the maggot's don't want because they don't like the pineapple on her forehead. then finally, the maggot's reach their innards,and that wakes up the people, and they jump into action to run to the mall and get lila back. and it ends up that steven and his gang was holding lila hostage, and they wanted payment. so all the people had to take out their wallets and pay the steven gang five dollars. "thanks guys," lila says. "no probelem," the people erply. but then they realize that they are still bored. so then they decide to plant mushrooms. and they start a whole mushroom farm. and they hire little hairy gnome people to go down into the mushroom caves to pick the mushrooms. and they sell the mushrooms at a billion dollars a piece, becuase thesse are the bestest michrooms in the entire world. and then they are all fabulously rich. and then one other fine day, they are all sitting atop a giant heap of money and mushrooms, being served pina coladas by little hairy gnome people, aly says "i only wish we would have thought of this earlier." and the people agree. then a giant spaghetti monster comes and eats the entire world and they all die. the end.