3/9/06
wow...today seemed to be going along really great and now all of a sudden i feel so depressed and i don't know why... I feel like I just wanna cry with some guy's arms around me, i wanna cuddle with a guy and just let all my sorrows drowned away. I'm so confused about life right now, sometimes I think I know what I want, and then bam all of sudden I've changed my mind. For some reason i'm really wanting a guy to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything's fine and make me feel better......arrgghh but I don't have one to do that at the moment and now that's making me wanna cry too....ggrr! I just really wish life could be a tad bit easier, but I know it's never going to be so I just need to keep going.
3/7/06
So like wow!! The last few months have been craaaazzzeeea!! Me and my boyfriend broke up around christmas and from there everything just like exploded! So first of all I'll explain that I broke up with my boyfriend because there was just no spark anymore and I felt like I wasn't living life the way a teenager is meant to, I mean, we're supposed to have fun and date, not start thinking about families and all the crap with another guy. Well neways enough about that. Afterwards I kinda hung out with this guy James from work, well that didn't last long, he quit and now i hardly ever see him, he texts me every now and then but meh, lol. Then I met Blaine. He's like the coolest guys ever! He's so funny and extremely easy to talk to, he also know a lot about web design and is teaching me a whole bunch. Anyways, we've kinda been involved for a while, but weren't like together or anything because he didn't really want a relationship or anything because he wanted to be able to date other girls if they came along, well it kinda hurts every now and then when i think about it, but meh, i figure as soon as I find another guy to hang with and all that, that these thoughts will leave my mind after a while so yeah, but the other day he told me how guilty he felt about the whole thing and that he didn't want to do this anymore. Well as he was saying it, my stomach basically shot up through my throat but I kept myself controlled I guess. It hurt a little but I'm good. We're still friends and that's what really matters to me because I can talk to him easily and he's like the funnest person I know. Wow enough of that.
My neighbor died last weekend, it was awful, I was coming home and I turned onto my street and I saw all the ambulances and stuff. I seriously though they were in front of my house. As soon as I pulled in the driveway I realized they were next door, but I'd already scared myself so bad with everything running through my head that I went inside and literally freaked and started balling. My mom had to calm me down and tell me it was next door even though I already knew that. Well it turns out my neighbor Jim died of heart attack, he was like a second dad to my dad, so he took it really hard, I can't imagine loosing one of my parents once, let alone twice. Well he was cremated and part of the ashes were scattered over...I think strawberry. It's really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that he is gone. Every morning I wake up and hearing him yellin at the dog saying "Cole get in there" and then I realized I'm never going to actually here that again. He was only 57 so it was the last thing I expected to happen. Enough of that though.
So yeah, now I'm trying to find some more guys to hang with and all and it's not working very well but meh. I'm also working and trying to save some money, I wanna get a set of drums, and I'm gonna buy a car from my cousin and pay like $100 a month, I'm also working hard on drawing because I want to be a drawing teacher, and I'm trying to learn everything I can about web design from Blaine cuz I also wanna do that on the side. I signed up for some classes at the GTI next year to help me more with computer programming and databassing and all that. I also signed up for AP pyschology, AP English, Drawing CC, yeah WOW! lot of hard stuff, and I also just registered for the ACT, that's going to be great fun! NOT! I hope I can get a good score on that. Yeah so like there is this extremely hot guy in my painting class!! wow! Cute! oh and there's one in my drawing class too, though he sits clear across the room so I have to freakin turn around to look at him, lol, I hope one of these guys notices me or something cuz uHH!! wow! They're so cute!! well newayz talk to ya later people.
