Scottish Jokes Funniest Scottish Jokes From Around The World

Distressed Widow When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow, his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?" The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok". So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter McFlannel, fae Parkheid, deid". The clerk feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again. The clerk then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale" Scottish & English Armies In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight. One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog. "Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen". With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard. "Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman". With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice. "Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman". Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later. "Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman". By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THE BASTARDS". BOILED HAM Wee Hughie was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked: ‘Anything I can get you, Hughie?’ No reply. "Have you got a last wish, Hughie?’ Faintly, came the answer. . . ‘a wee bit of of that boiled ham over yonder.’ ‘Wheesht, man,’ said Maggie, ‘you know fine that’s for the your funeral.’ BOTTLE OF WHISKEY One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"   CUTE HIGHLAND GIRL A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married." " So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."

The Ticket Dodgers
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please

SHIPWRECKED SCOTS
Two shipwrecked Scots had been hanging on for hours to an upturned boat.
Wee Hughie, realizing that he might not be able to hold our much longer, began to recount his past misdeeds, and to vow that if he escaped he would in future lead an entirely new life.

Suddenly, there was a cry from his comrade in distress:

" Wait, Hughie ! Don't commit yourself yet - I think I see land ! "

Wee Hughie And His Girlfriend
Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his lfe with Lorraine.

However, a beutiful young lady, called Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well and as time went by, Wee Hughie realised that he was in love with Clearly and that the Love was reciprocated.

Being a gentleman he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.

One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.

He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.

And this is what he sang.

"I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone"

The Genie
3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scottish, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total",says the Genie.
The Irish guy says,"I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."  So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom"  the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her,so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.
The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains,"Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

The Scottish Student A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked."Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!" "Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them!  I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!" Slap On A Train There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again . Boasting When Wee Hughie  moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?" "Well," explained  Wee Hughie  "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all Wee Hughie And The Growler Wee Hughie is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my growler?" "Yes, I'm sorry," says Wee Hughie and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the growler blows him a kiss. Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Wee Hughie stares in amazement as the growler winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Wee Hughie moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Wee Hughie replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

Copyright © 2004 Stevan Hogg. All Rights Reserved.

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