I am told that I have been found in reptilian clone form. That is to say, there is a toad that looks like me.

One of the annoying things about being me is that people consistantly find lookalikes for me. Not only is there Jack Osbourne, but today alone, I was compared to two good friends, one stranger and one lump of rock.

Also - go to www.alexnewman.tk - if you don't fall off your chair laughing then it's becuase you weren't sitting on a chair. I know this guy - but it's so pathetically funny.

www.omnicult.com/phpBB2 is always worth an advert.

Actually, talking of adverts, you may have noticed Mostly Harmless selling its soul by featuring an advert at the top of the page. Interestingly, I have no idea how it got there, or what we get in return - but a soul swap is a soul swap, and there's nothing I can do now about it.

Oh, and this website is Google's top his for "Fruitina addict" - the only reason for this being because Fruitina is spelt as "Frutina" - which makes no sense, and so, in protest, I am keeping the "i". Otherwise it reads frut ina, anyway. Plus, when I buy it, the recipt tells me that there is an "i" in it. So what I am buying is Frui tina, and not Frut ina.

There is a clatter of metal on a seriously-pissed-off-Danny, as I scrape my head on an overhanging wall light and am suddenly exiled from the Land of Nod. I open my eyes to see a frankly dire painting or marshmallows and fire. Either that or I’m stoned out of my mind again. Twisting my head, I can see my serene computer, humming harmlessly to itself in the morning’s stale stagnating air. Like an elephant seal pushed off an ice flow, I yawn and turn to face the PC, which greets me every morning to the world and has an intensely irritating alarm system that serves its purpose with smug efficiency. Bidden to perform my lethargic duties of being awake (albeit unwillingly) I slump across the hall, with my hands on the banister, channeling my way as if Charon was ferrying me across the river Styx. Finally I renounce my somniatic default mode and like a drunken gibbon stumble down the stairs cursing Greenwich Mean Time.   

Although nothing much has happened, my website seemed in need of updating, and some explanations. However, before I start, I’d like to impress you with this joke:

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I keep on thinking I’m a person who delivers babies!

Doctor: Pish. Don’t worry Sir, your just having a mid-wife crisis.

This, as you would have noticed, isn’t going to be a diary article, but more of a thought. I changed my header, at the advice of Sung Wook Hong, [who lives in England and really likes Viagra opportunities to be e mailed ASAP to sungwook_000@hotmail.com . The trouble is that I don’t think anyone who dishes out the delights of junk mail – but the threat continues. Maybe Sung can tell us whether or not he got the once in a lifetime experience to help the dear deposed Nigerian businessman, who only needs a coupla grand]   – “why?” I hear you think, well, why not? Why not you? Why not now? “Oh come on, I want a better explanation then some government targets, and meaningless motivational quotes! Just tell me why!” you shriek at me, with the pitch of an American accent, and at this point, I think and reconsider. What was wrong with the paradox? Well, ever since Dominic changed his slogan from a sad, mournful chicken motto, to a pro-Danny catchphrase, I have had a yearning to outdo him. Or rather, undo him. Does this have any relevance to what I’ve done? Well, if Dominic thinks something needs renewing, it should damn well have been done before lunchtime. Besides, this new slogan is good – apart from it blacklisting this site on Google. Now, when you search for “Danny” it will no longer be on the top of the list, unless you happen to have Moderate Safesearch Off and had a very good reason for that to occur. Wait! I seemed to find myself suddenly incomprehensible. What I mean to say is that parents will no longer allow their children to read this site, which via reverse psychology, can only be a good thing for my stuttering hit counter. This reminds me – I haven’t been bothered to do my usual hassle with the web counter, because I know no one bothers to read it. Therefore, you shall be stuck with last months picture, and be damned. I leave it to your imagination, and your calculator, to find out how many people visited this month.     

Wouldn't it be a good idea if we could create  a program that would locate and delete spy ware and other junk that no one wants?

I, for example, have this annoying toolbar (Bin bits style) that is blue, pops up, and takes away my Google Toolbar, which it useful for blocking yet more pop ups, although none of them are on my toolbar.

Let me explain to you how this Spyware Finder would work - the maker of the software would find out most of the coding that the various pop ups use, then the software would scan your computer for these codes, and if it finds them, like a virus checker, it would delete them. Every now and then, it would need to update itself so that there would be new definitions for these junk programs that you don't want.

It is very simple: it’s easy to find out the coding for the junk programs, easy to find them and easy to delete them.

Now, I am not the coder to run this kind of thing, but if you got a company like Norton’s Antivirus to do it, they would be more then capable and could pay me a certain amount of money in order to run it.

Everyone downloads freeware, and that freeware nearly always contains junk. Therefore, everyone has this junk of their computer. Once we delete it, our computers could run faster, we would have less pop ups, and hopefully there would be less crashes.

I can easily see this happening. I don’t know why no one thought of it before me. Nearly everyone I can think of would benefit from such an idea. You could too, oh faithful readers.

Edit: It turns out that this already exists. And that the entire article is not only obsolete but also critically flawed, in many parts. However, the main idea still stands, even if its someone else's idea. I bear no grudges... It also turns out that this is illegal, and thats why Nortons Antivirus people don't sell the product. You can, however, get it for free from http://www.safer-networking.org/index.php?page=download . I recommend it - I have got it myself, and have been surprised as to how much junk I have. Not that I cared, really.

After the recent downpour of snow, I was foolish enough to enjoy myself. And throw snow at countless numbers of people. Caught red handed (I didn't have any gloves on) I was made, with several others, to apologise for the aforementioned fun, and I had to write an essay entitled "What I Have Done Wrong Today, and How I am Going To Prevent It Ever Happening Ever Again. Ever." Or some alternative. Apparently, by throwing snow, we were causing a major health and safety risk, and endangering the lives of many. Many what, I can't say, but I’m sure they weren't happy about it.

So, my essay looked something like this:

I have done a lot wrong today, and I am very sorry for it. In this short piece of paper, I shall recount all of the sins Man has ever done, and hope that you can't read my handwriting.

This morning I woke up late. Oh god, forgive me. When the alarm clock rang this morning, I ignored it, and hardened my heart to its irritating calls. I am deeply sorry for the danger this caused, and I wish to make it clear that I am not blaming any electrical appliances, whether they were in fact working, or whether they weren’t. I feel it is wrong to blame anyone else other then God for this, because He was endangering the lives of many. Many what? God knows...

After that, I got on a bus. Yes! A Bus! This guilty act of pollution can only be blamed on the temptation that Robert Louis Stevenson has placed on my legs. No thanks can be given our to Mr. Ford either, for his irritating T modal. I am sorry for the millions of fish I am carelessly killing off.

I have sinned yet more against the world today, when I foolishly decided to breathe. I did not think of the oxygen I was consuming, nor the worthlessness of the words that I was speaking. In the future, I shall consult my professional Rabbi, before breathing.

So, how will I stop these malicious acts of evil happening again? Well, I'll kill of a few Spanish teachers, to ease my torment. 

Update : Ah, what goes up must come down. I had my confrontation with an irate teacher today, telling me that I was quote unquote taking the mickey. I told the aforementioned teacher that it was totally sincere, and I dislike all cars inherantly, she wasn't terribly happy. So much political chances are in shatters, and my hopes and dreams of being "mature" are lying on the floor hit by an egg, or something. I have to rewrite the essay, this time in Hebrew (Ollies idea - if she complains I'll call her racist) and this time with some more serious content. I was also confronted by a teacher who didn't really give a "fig" and told me that he'll look over my misdevour, providing that he doesn't catch me writing amusing essays again. Thats OK, because he never finds it that funny. This reminds me somewhat of a year long gone when a teacher told me off for being too clever, he said "I can see you are intelligent. We don't like intelligent people in this school...". I laughed at him for a while, before I realised that he really didn't like intelligent people. It comes from teaching Art, I suppose. Also, I should mention that Dominics essay was not considored worthy of re-writing (that means that either she is really dense and can't spot sarcasm, or just can't read) and he got off scott free. Dharmeshs essay, funny as it was, was also not picked out in the insincere pile. The only other satirical writer was         <name removed because his father is...> Good on him. Shame on Dominic.  

I noticed most of you copying my name on my guestbook. Some led to amusing comments, some I deleted. Anyway,it inspired me to write a parody of the song "Will the Real Slim Shady PLease Stand Up". It isn't very good.For all you don't know me, yes I am an incredibly fit athlete. Its true. Here goes:

May you stand to attention please

May you stand to attention please

Will the Real Slim Danny please sit down

I repeat, will the real Slim Danny please sit down.

We’re gonna need a chair here

You all act like you’ve never seen a Latinist before, drool on the floor, not being a bore,

Quoting and gloating, he’s talking some more!

It’s the Cambridge Latin Course book – no wait

I can’t conjugate another verb, lets check

“And Caecillius said” nothing you idiot, Caecillius is dead! 

It’s all done and dusted

Normal people love Caeser (chigga chigga chigga?) just teasing-yer

Heard of him? Lived in you know where, wrote you know what

Don't know? Useless clot!

Remember Gallic War V?

Why?

Return of the Killer Gallici!

Sorry Quin (Slim? Geddit?), but your time has come

Ave et vale, Caecillius’ son!

Cambridge Latin Course

Cambridge Latin Course

I can quote until my voice becomes hoarse!

That’s the reason why my names anonymous

Because in French circles it’s synonymous with ominous! 

“Danny” isn’t a right, you can’t misuse it in an intellectual fight

You can talk about your pride but you won’t stop me in my stride

And there’s Stephen Hawking on my side, when people bought his book, I laughed till I cried, “Amature!”

But there’s no one quite like me, they impersonate, try to humiliate, and attempt to manipulate Dan –ny.

If you realise this you can see

I’m the “Slim” Danny; yes I’m the Real Danny

All tell me that I’m far too canny

So won’t the fake “Danny”s please stand up

Please stand up

I’m the “Slim” Danny; yes I’m the Real Danny

I’m lazy, and arrogant, and can’t rhyme properly

So won’t the fake “Danny”s please stand up

Please stand up. Please stand up.