I am not going to tell you anything about me that is of any use. I quite like to give myself a decent cloud of secrecy. On the Internet, no one knows you're a dog...

I just copied the following article from an old old essay. Oh, and its written in the third person to make him look schizophrenic. That scared the history teachers, let me tell you.

Danny’s interests involve recycling old pieces of work (like biographies) and putting a new coat of varnish on them. He is schizophrenic, paranoid and depressive, occasionally obsessive; but that doesn’t get him down. For music he likes parodies, They Might Be Giants and Tom Lehrer amongst more. He prefers better lyrics to the tune.

He wants to get a life, but always loses the bid on E bay. In the end he decided that the only things he wants are some morphine, and a BT broadband line. If anyone is willing to supply either of them, please e mail me.

 He likes satire, and subscribes to the Private Eye every time a promotion comes along. He is prone to lying in biographies. He considers himself arrogant, when it is appropriate (“And the meek shall inherit the earth…”) and therefore an intellectual. He plays on MSN messenger obsessively, and thinks that he is some kind of Anarchist rebel. That’s from playing too many computer games.

He likes the idea of being a xenophobe, but being English, it isn’t practical. He is a practising Atheist. He collects quotes and enjoys plagiarism. He has a leopard gecko for a pet, and has had it for a year. He is addicted to coffee but hates others drinking it; he says it depletes his supply. He warns people not to follow him, or he will set his brother’s tortoise on them; “She ain’t named Shelly for nothing”

I've seen bars of Dove more interesting the EastEnders...

Bubblegum pop. Now there's as thought to chew over...

Poetry is averse to me.

A piss-up in a brewery is a barrel of laughs.

Rest assured - Wagner's music is better then it sounds.

The resturant was like my joke - in bad taste.

Tennis players never marry; love means nothing to them.

Really, all raisins are, are grapes with a bad press.

"My god! Its terrible!" "What? What's happened?" "Nothing's happened, Sean, I was describing your game"

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was lunchtime.

"For the love of God, it's onomateopeia!"

God is humanities excuse for itself.

Haikus:

1) Bad Haikus

Are worse then a house on fire

As long as its yours. 

2) Good God! A monkey

Lying on the blossom tree

I think its dead.

I'm not fat. I'm circumfrentially challenged...

Friends. Romans. Countrymen. Lend me a pound...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

"And thats what we call a LOCKER" "And thats what I call OBVIOUS"

Tescos meat department: Here Be Chickens

"I hope I don't sound pretentious" "Pretentious? Toi?"

You should take risks in rugby. Its worth a try...

 "A woman's work is never done; a man's work is never fun"

"There was a young fruit, called Orange...Bugger"