Scared of School

Sam's Story

Hello. My name is Sam, but at school I'm known as 'the freak.'

It all started in grade 4, about 2 years ago. I loved being home schooled, I could learn whatever I wanted and it was easy for me, I knew all my math, I could speak a lot of Italian, and was starting Spanish and Japanese. But then, my mom noticed I was becoming a little obsessed, or fixated, with the paranormal. I have OCD and SAD. She hoped it would pass, but as the summer moved on she was worried that I wouldn't fit in with everyone, so she ruined it, and she signed me up for the local school.

I thought it would be great at first, my best friend Kate was there, and at first it was. Grade 5 was one of the best years of my short life (I'm only twelve and I'm still in my horrible year). I had a great teacher, great classmates and I was top in my class. When the summer came up I was surprisingly happy, until about 2 weeks before school started up again when my BFF and adopted older sister as I called her, Heather, were moving. At first I was sad but I got over it and thought, "no big deal, right?"

The first two weeks were the same as grade 5, but then as the weeks rolled on, I became lonelier and lonelier, and the bullies picked up on this. I was picked on all the time, mostly for my pale skin, but then they found out about my love of aliens, ghosts and the paranormal, dubbed me crazy and shunned me. I started cutting myself at that point and sometimes my parents would literally have to drag me out of the house kicking and screaming because I was so scared to be bullied, or found out. My brother picked up on the cutting due to the blood on my sheets. After the teachers yelled at me about the cutting, I ran away so I could skip some classes. Of course, my dad eventually found me and I was dragged to school, crying, and sent to the office. I started cutting again, only deeper; school was hell, I couldn't be myself, my arms always stung, I was laughed at and called "emo", and every tiny detail of this stung.

I've had to go to 3 counselors, 2 therapy groups and visit the office at least a dozen times. I even wrote an essay called, "Why all you school people are full of s**t." Of course, they only yelled at me more and the cuts got deeper.

I had almost gotten over the cutting when I started visiting Heather again (she and I both have a star scar on our hip, but that's a different story).

School still sucks but I do have one thing to look forward to, I've finally convinced my mom to let me move to a school with less rules. I figure, less rules, more chance to rebel. I'll send you another story when I'm proved wrong - that should be soon.

P.S. Yes, I still yell and throw up on Sunday nights, and love the paranormal, thank you, love you, good bye.
By Sam, 12

Alyssa's Story

Okay, well it all started in 7th grade; my grandparents were sick so I had to leave Florida - the only home I had ever known - and move to Ohio. The first day of school was great, I met new friends, loved my teachers and subjects and I got good grades. But then a girl from school started picking on me; calling me names, saying I was a slut, saying she wanted to shove her fist down my throat...yep, she was a BIG bully.

So I started coming up with reasons not to go to school. For a little while my parents believed me but then they started to think I was doing it to get out of something. I would do anything to get out of going to school and it got out of control from there! I would lock myself in the bathroom until someone would have to break the door down to get me out, the truancy officer had to come and drag me out to his car just to get to school, the police came because I was so out of control. After that day, my mom let me take a week off school and then put me in private school. I was confused, I still didn't want to go to school. Nothing helped. Finally, we moved back to Florida and into another school. I was confused, scared, lost. I still had these problems in my new school. So I went to the doctor and he said I had school phobia. I felt relieved that there was a reason for everything that has been going on! Right now I'm getting better, taking meds and improving! Stay strong, I know it's hard but it's worth it!

By Alyssa,13

Abi's Story

As a child, most of the time I was a confident and happy girl. I loved school; I always had loads of friends, I never struggled with any of the subjects, I was in a lot of the sports teams...it all seemed pretty perfect. (Looking back, I realise how fortunate I was, having read some of the other stories!).
However, despite the confident and relaxed exterior, inside I was a real worrier. I worried about the fire alarm going off in my house (it’s really loud!), so much so that I always slept with my arms hugged to my chest (don’t really know why...I guess I thought I wouldn’t "jump" so much if it did go off?). I worried about burglars, so I could rarely go anywhere in my house at night alone, someone always had to come with me upstairs or to the kitchen or wherever. I worried about sleeping over at other peoples houses, and if I ever did I always felt really sick (and sometimes I was!). And I worried about school, especially after weekends or holidays. I would worry myself sick the night before going back to school after a long weekend or holiday, and sometimes I would still feel sick in the morning and so take the day off. In hindsight, all these fears were really irrational, and I don't know where they came from. But they didn’t really cause me any major problems and so it was all fine.

Then I started secondary school.
Up until Christmas of my first year at High School I loved school. Most of my friends from Primary School were there, I enjoyed my subjects and it didn't seem like a huge jump from primary to secondary for me, because all of my 4 older siblings had been to that school and so I'd been in and out of it all my life.
I still got nervous about little things, and so when the time came for an all day rehearsal for our Christmas concert (I was in the choir and the rehearsal terrified me more than the actual performance. I think I was scared of fainting and so standing up singing for hours didn’t appeal to me...) and I got myself so worked up about it that I was sick. In my maths classroom.
However, I got back on my feet, sung in the concert and went back to school the next day.
When the time came for me to go back to school after Christmas however, I just couldn’t do it. I worked myself up about it and made myself sick so many times I was allowed to stay off for the first few days, and was convinced to go back to school on the Thursday and Friday, which I did and I enjoyed it. But Monday came around again and so did the feelings of dread and anxiety. So I stayed off. And the next day...
For months I didn’t go to school any other days except for Thursdays and Fridays. My parents tried everything, believe me. "We'll get a takeaway if you go to school." "No TV if you don't go to school". I remember more than once clinging to the banister in my house, kicking and screaming, begging to be allowed to stay at home. Eventually I stopped going to school altogether. Habits are very hard to break.
My parents thought that after the summer it would be easier for me at a different school. It was a small Christian school with only about 30 pupils altogether and they were right, it was easier. For a while. But after just a month or so the feelings started coming back and I stopped going.
To cut a long story short I was referred by my GP to a mental health unit at my local children’s hospital. After a few meetings (I guess you could call it "therapy"?!) I was EVENTUALLY referred to a "School Reintegration Programme" run by the hospital. I went to this place 3 days a week, where I took part in anxiety management groups, one on one 'therapy' (neither of which I enjoyed at all!) but most of all I met others who were in a similar situation to me. This was such a help; I thought I was the only person in the world going through what I was! The small school I had been attending only went up to S2 and as I was nearing the end of this year I couldn’t really go back. My old school had given away my place and there were no places left. So I had to go to the neighbouring, "rival" school, where I knew nobody. Finding out and accepting this was such a low point. I didn’t want to go back to any school, let alone a completely new one.

The unit started to reintegrate me to school. I started going to just one class a day, the ones I felt most comfortable with. Then two, then three. The school was so accommodating, arranging "buddies" for me and making sure I was calm and relaxed before going to classes (even if that meant me sitting in my year heads office for hours on end!). Gradually I built up my timetable until I started full time at the beginning of S3 (we start our new 'years' just before the summer holidays) and apart from a few "wobbly" days, I have been going to school full time for the last 3 and a half years!
Yes it was hard. There were countless days when I didn’t want to get out of bed. Countless nights when I cried myself to sleep. But I am a Christian and I believe that God really helped me through the experience, and I can look back and see how I've really grown as a person, and that so many good things have come out of my moving schools and the whole experience! I know if a 14 year old me could see myself writing the words I'm about to write, I'd definitely not believe myself. But I love school!!! I'm in my last year and I genuinely will be so sad to leave. I guess not going has made me appreciate it even more.
I know from what I've read on here that everyone’s situation is really different and I know this all sounds unbelievably cheesy but I just wanted young people suffering from school phobia to know that (and I know if you’re going through anything like I did then it’s hard to see but believe me) (in the words of a great band Third Day) 'THERE’S A LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL!' stay strong, YOU CAN DO IT!
By Abi, 17

Nikki's Story

The bullying all started when I started secondary school. I went to an all girls' school at first, I was quite happy there until I;d been there a few months. I'd made friends with a few people, but they'd all been talking about me behind my back and starting rumours about me. It wasn't so bad at first, until a few people in the year above me started hitting me for no reason. I told the teacher and she said, "You'll live. You've still got your arms and legs." I felt so upset and annoyed. I thought teachers were meant to be helpful, but these teachers were totally useless. I decided to leave that school the next day...

I thought the bullying at that school was bad, but it was nothing compared to the second school I went to. When I first started the teachers put me in year 9, even though I was only 12. After I started that school not many people spoke to me and when they did it was only to laugh at me. I didn't mind too much at first, but it became a lot worse after my 13th birthday. I'd got a new phone for my birthday; it was a Nokia 7250I as I'd really liked the phone. After I'd had it a few days, I was taking photos on the phone when a girl came up to me and started shouting that I'd copied her. I asked her what she was talking about and she said I had the same phone as her. I just ignored her; I thought she was just being stupid at first. Then a day later, one of her friends came up to me and started chatting - I knew something was a bit weird as she was usually really nasty to me! A minute later I looked in my coat pocket and my phone was gone. I started crying; I really loved the phone and it upset me so much that someone stole it off me just because I had the same phone as them. I looked around the whole school, but I didn't find the phone. I told the teachers who it was who stole my phone and they said they'd sort it out.

I had a few days off school after that as I was really upset about the phone but when I returned I found out nothing had been done. The next day, my mum went up the school, explained about the phone and the teachers said they'd chat to the girls.

After the teachers had spoken to them, the girls they came up to me. I thought they'd apologise but they didn't. They started being nasty, even nastier than before. When the teacher called me to the office he said it was my fault for showing off my phone! I'd never showed off my phone, but I had to take it out my pocket to make phone calls and take photos on it!
After that I saw a load of people waiting on me, they started chasing me and shouting nasty things at me, for telling the teacher about the girl stealing my phone. I started crying and after that I couldn't take school anymore.
I left school; my mum wrote to the education authorities and explained about how I was bullied and I couldn't face going back to school and they agreed I could be home-schooled.

I've been home-educated for a year now and I'd never go back to school again! Since I've been home-educated I haven't had to worry about bullies or anything.
By Nikki Spencer, Aged 14

Sophie's Story

Well my story begins when I was in Year Three. Life was going well, I had lots of mates and I was doing well in class. Unfortunately at that school there was a group of girls who didn't want me to be happy.

I eventually moved from that school to Norwood; the best school ever (and I should know I've been to nine!). I had friends and even when I was ill I wanted to go back to school the next day. At the end of Year 6, I was gutted - I was going to really miss that school but I thought secondary school was going to be great.

It was great at first. I met new people and made a new best friend. But then one day a group of girls came up to me and stared calling me 'ugly' and say, "Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me beautiful, what happened to you?" I don't know why they said it, but I guess it was because I was there and an easy target. That same day I was meant to go to a sleepover with one of the girls, but what had happened that day had really frightened me and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. I did go though, to try and prove they weren't going to win. The thought of going back to school with them bullying me made me terrified and I began to find excuses to not have to go. I just couldn't face having to put up with it again.

So I eventually went to another school which was where my school phobia really started. The school was so big and had hundreds of kids there which made me feel like I was suffocating. I found it had to breathe sometimes too. I don't know why but I found myself crying in lessons yet I couldn't tell anyone why I was crying. My crying made the teachers frustrated and caused the other kids pick on me.

When I went back the second day, I found it hard not to run back to the car and get in. I found myself feeling sick and dizzy; it was like I wanted to run through the gates and never come back. When I came home that second day I just sat there and stared at the T.V. I didn't eat anything so by the end of the day I was starving. I had only eaten breakfast because I found eating at school made me choke, as I couldn't swallow properly. My mum saw how I was acting and asked me what was wrong but all I could do was cry. So my mum decided I was going to be home schooled. It was like a hundred pound weight had been lifted off both shoulders.

I am much happier now but I still can't walk past a school without getting in a panic. I also can't get on a bus with other school kids without feeling scared of what they might say.
By Sophie Brown

No-Name's Story

It all started when I was in year seven. I was in my 7th peroid class and there was a new kid. I said hi and talked to him and he was really nice and we got along just fine. But once it got toward the end of the school year things got worse. We would talk about skating and other things I liked to do. Then after a couple of days he would call me poser, or yell it out load in the hall. I would just keep walking and ignore him so people wouldn't know it was me. Well he did that the rest of the year and all the year eight. I started year nine fresh and new. I made good friends over the summer and couldn't wait to start school. On the first day of school I walked in and ready to find my first class; and on the way the new kid from year seven yelled out "That girl right there is a poser!" in front of all of his friends and pointed. After that all of his friends started to do it, or say I would copy them on everything, and they would throw popcorn at me in math class. Well I thought that they would get over it and forget about it and things would get better. I was wrong I started getting emails from a girl and she would say horrible things that wornt true and made me feel really bad! So after that I couldn't take it anymore so I went to a different school. Everything was fine the first couple of weeks until I started hearing these girls say mean things about me behind my back. I pretended like I didn't hear it and went home. I went to school the next day and one of my friends came up to me and said that the girls said I was really ugly and they wanted to throw a condom on my head. Well after that I did NOT want to go back to school so I went into homeschool. Now I'm in year ten and still scared to go back.