On the 24th of December 1999 i said goodbye to my 4 and a half-year-old English born son Ryan, as he was leaving England to spend the Christmas period in Germany with his German mother and her parents, they never returned! This had been secretly planned and carried out by Stephanie and her parents!
Things between us had not been good since the birth of Ryan, but Ryan was not the problem, it was Stephanie’s mother who was the main problem, and Stephanie’s inability to stand up to her.
My story is as follows.
I first met Stephanie when she became a lodger in the home I half owned with a work colleague, he had some financial problems so he moved back with his parents and rented out his room.
Stephanie was a German student studying at Reading university, she had just broken up with her previous boyfriend and was looking for new accommodation, she seemed a very happy go lucky person who had moved to the UK to escape (so she told me) her very dominant mothers grip, luckily we got on great and as we were both single we started going out purely as friends, she adored my dog Tyler, and seemed to get on well with my friends and parents despite the usual joking remarks about Germans and the war etc which she just seemed to laugh along with.
The more we went out the better we became friends, and as is quite usual we became closer and eventually partners. Things went great, and not long after, Stephanie was offered a full-time position at the company she had been temping for during the summer break to earn some extra cash (as it was her parents who supported her fully all other times)
As she was not enjoying university and she began to see the benefits of having a proper income she dropped out of university and accepted the position much to her parents disgust.
We enjoyed sunshine holidays abroad and she eventually took over half the mortgage as the person I shared it with wanted out.
Her mother, brother, friends, and eventually her father came to visit us for holidays and we all got on really well, Stephanie even got herself a kitten which she absolutely adored, she left her other cat she had in Germany with her parents but they weren’t cat lovers so they had it put down!
Things between us were really great and Stephanie’s mind soon turned to “babies” I had always liked the idea of kids but was never a believer in marriage, Stephanie wasn't keen on the idea of marriage either so we both thought “great no problem”.
Stephanie became pregnant almost instantly but she was petrified about telling her mother, it took her months to even pluck up the courage to tell her father she owned half the house, and even despite trying to hint to her mother that she was pregnant (like mentioning she kept feeling sick and the mornings) she finally plucked up the courage to ring and tell her mother.
Her mother's first reaction was silence, and then to tell Stephanie to “consider all the options” she actually told her own daughter to consider aborting their first grandchild!
Her mother said she didn't know what to say any more at the moment and hung up.
Surprisingly she did ring back a few hours later and said she had spoken to Stephanie’s father and they would stand by Stephanie whatever decision she made.
My parents were overjoyed.
As time went on through the pregnancy Stephanie’s mother became more and more obsessed with the forthcoming baby, every visit her suitcase would be bulging with every sort of Childs clothing you could imagine, and we didn't even know the sex yet!
She would have snowsuits, shoes, trousers etc. and the baby wasn't even born yet!
Her parents brought everything for the baby, cot, pram, bedding, curtains, car seat etc,
Everything you could ever need for a first child.
We were both immensely grateful as money was tight and the mortgage rate at that time was sky high, although it did make my parents feel a bit left out because they were excluded and never consulted about things for their first grandchild.
Stephanie had quite a hard pregnancy but things were made worse by the fact that she became obsessed with mother and baby magazines, and anything she read she totally believed and any so-called side effects related to being pregnant that she had read or someone she had spoke to had suffered during their pregnancy she suddenly suffered from too, this became quite annoying and I think made me a little less supportive than I could have been.
On the 29th of March 1995 at 8.02pm 8.lb 11oz Ryan arrived after a very long hard labour which I thought Stephanie coped with very well, luckily we had two weeks on our own before Stephanie’s parents arrived. At first Stephanie coped well with Ryan, but anybody who remembers their first child will remember and appreciate that a little non interfering help from friends and especially family helps enormously, we never had that from the minute Stephanie’s mother arrived, she totally took over, even from Germany she still totally controlled Stephanie.
Things were made ten times worse on her visits which were normally every six weeks, everything to do with Ryan from the minute he woke to the time he went to bed we had to do exactly the way her mother wanted, things around the house were hidden including quite a few of Ryan’s toys because Stephanie’s mother would not be impressed if she saw them so even Ryan’s normality was changed, if I dare to question or do something with my son the way I wanted or saw fit her mother would go into an enormous childish sulk and criticise me to Stephanie causing her to try and be piggy in the middle.
But her mothers dominance and post natal depression soon took over and Stephanie slowly turned her aggression on me and quite often on Ryan with her virtually wanting nothing to do with Ryan whenever she could get the chance.
Tyler my dog who Stephanie once adored became a focus of hate, and she told me “either he goes or we do“ so i had to give him away, luckily my parents agreed to have him as they had a dog who Tyler got on really well with and which meant i could still see him, Stephanie also lost all interest in her cat too!
In Ryan’s early months, before Stephanie’s mothers rot totally set in and when i could see that Stephanie wasn’t coping well with Ryan i wrote to Stephanie’s mother asking for her help, this i think was the crack in our relationship that her mother hoped for and saw as a way to make Ryan hers, Stephanie once told me that her mother had always wanted a third child but that her father didn’t, and that Stephanie had heard on more than one occasion her mother referring to herself to Ryan as “mama” she even convinced Stephanie that she wasn’t capable of breast feeding Ryan and to change to a bottle just so she could hold him and be the one to feed him, she hated it when i wanted to give him his milk. She would run down Stephanie constantly, one night in bed i had Stephanie sobbing her heart out next to me because she had been out shopping with her mother that day and Stephanie had wanted to try on some new clothes but her mother told her not to bother because she said she was “ugly” and they wouldn’t suit her!
Nothing came of my letter to her mother so i tried writing in confidence to our local doctor for help, the health visitor called Stephanie on a so-called routine call to check all was o.k.
But Stephanie being the very clever liar that she was just fobbed her off, although Stephanie did agree to see a psychiatric nurse one hour every week for a chat, she tried to get Stephanie to try a course of anti-depressants but because Stephanie, just like her mother believed that all anti-depressants were addictive and to take them was a sign that you have failed!
She did eventually agreed to try a course but one evening less than a week after starting the course Stephanie asked me if I could see a change in her because she thought she felt a little bit better, i stupidly told her the truth and said I couldn't actually notice, besides, most anti-depressants take quite a few weeks to kick in, at that Stephanie grabbed the wooden breadboard, slammed it down on the kitchen work top, stormed upstairs, grabbed her packet of pills, came downstairs, grabbed a hammer and smashed all her pills up on the breadboard in front of Ryan and me, and then threw them very ceremoniously in the bin, she did make some kind of statement but I forget what it was now before storming off into the front room to watch television.
Every day it was like living with a volcano, one wrong word, one wrong suggestion, would cause her to erupt in a volley of verbal abuse, threats and bare faced lies, every day was a day walking on egg shells weekends were a living nightmare and work was my only sanctuary, Stephanie did exactly what she did or didn't want to do, I had to do exactly what she said or it was eruption time or the usual remark would come out “ I don't think I will bother coming back from Germany after our next visit”
I lived with emotional bullying and blackmail every single day, she would take Ryan to Germany (for a minimum of a week) whenever it suited her or her mother, or her mother would come to stay.
Our house soon became very Germanised, most of the furniture fixtures and fittings were chosen by her parents, bought over to us and I was expected to pay half, whenever her parents visited I was excluded from most things unless I was needed, every evening they took over the lounge talking or watching German TV, if I wanted to watch anything I had to watch TV in the kitchen.
We ate exactly how her parents would eat at home, from breakfast to evening meal.
Ryan went into nursery at three months and Stephanie returned to work, money was still tight but any extra hours I could get went into paying the bills etc. I quite often gave back at least a week’s holiday in return for money.
Any extra hours or days Stephanie earned went towards more holidays in Germany.
From the time Ryan was born until he was 4 1/2 I only had two evenings out with friends leaving Stephanie to look after Ryan, the second time Stephanie was feeding Ryan in the lounge as I left, I said “ I'm off now see you later ” Stephanie just told me to “fuck off”.
Stephanie became more and more of a monster, just when I thought she couldn't get any worse she did, she became lazy, never went out, and wouldn't even answer the door even when my dad popped round when he was passing to see Ryan.
It wasn't unusual for Stephanie to go without a bath or shower for up to two weeks at a time, only washing her hair for work.
Our bedroom would smell so bad at times that I would purposely fall asleep on the sofa in the evenings just to avoid sleeping next to her, and the comfort pillow which she couldn't sleep without that her mother made for her when she was a child smelled the worst, I decided to wash it one day but it turned the water in the washing machine a caramel colour so I had to wash everything again.
Ryan began to sense Stephanie’s aggression and anger and always preferred me to do everything, feeding, changing, putting to bed etc. and he would kick and scream even if Stephanie just pushed him in his push chair until I took over.
I remember one time when we all went to stay at her parents for the first time, it wasn't long after Ryan had started walking, her parents and Ryan had been out for the day and Stephanie and me had been out some where else, we arrived back first and when her parents arrived Stephanie went to the door and stood there open armed as Ryan came stomping in, he ran straight around her and threw himself at me, I actually had to tell him afterwards to go and give mama a cuddle!! I can't deny how good that felt though.
In the June of 1996 Stephanie and I had a blazing row one evening, I can't even remember what it was about but I just snapped and told her in no uncertain terms to go, she did the next morning, I missed Ryan so much I pleaded with her to come back, I couldn't have cared less if she stayed but obviously to get Ryan back I had to make out I missed her to.
After a very long month Stephanie and Ryan returned, from that day on I kept a record of everything that went on in a diary I kept hidden in the van at work, things soon got back to the way they were before but I now realised even more that I just had to keep my mouth shut, do as I was told, and just let her do exactly what she wanted, I couldn't bear losing Ryan again!!
We even tried Relate, but all the lies and things we spoke about, how things could improve, Stephanie never bothered with, so that was pointless.
My parents barely saw Ryan, the only regular times were usually on a Sunday morning during winter about 5.00 AM when it was too cold and dark to take Ryan over the park. Ryan was always an early riser and it was always me who got up with him as Stephanie always wanted to stay in bed, but we could only stay for no more than an hour for fear of Stephanie waking up, being out (especially at my parents) with Ryan was a major crime, Stephanie hated mum and dad, i think she saw them as a threat to her parents, she wanted her parents to be the more important grandparents! But she always wanted them when it suited her, dad was a self-employed carpenter and even after he had taken a day out to fit a new kitchen worktop that Stephanie had asked him to do, she refused to even call him that evening to say thank you.
If I wanted to take Ryan somewhere and she didn't want to go, we didn't go!
Wet weekends where normally spent with Stephanie doing exactly what she wanted whilst I had to stay indoors entertaining Ryan and her playing mummy when it suited her.
Even when Ryan was less than eighteen months old Stephanie let her mother come over for a week, take Ryan back to Germany for a week, and then Stephanie would go over for another week before bringing him back, my parents weren't even allowed to take him out for half a day!
Although that changed when Stephanie needed to work on Saturdays as did I, and then, and only then was he allowed to stay with them Friday nights, but the minute I finished work at midday Saturday, I had to go straight over and pick him up again, they weren't allowed to have him any longer than was possible!
Dad once said to me that by the time they had all got up, had breakfast and a play, there wasn't really enough time to go or do anything with Ryan. Stephanie never had any friends and found it almost impossible to make friends or get on with anybody around us, friends and family members of mine would ask “why do you stay with her?” my answer was always the same, if she went so did Ryan, I had to put up with her, if I didn’t I would loose my son.
By the time Ryan was about 3 1/2 Stephanie and I although living under the same roof were living separate lives, Stephanie now slept in Ryan’s room on a mattress which was her choice, and refused to go shopping together choosing to shop locally.
This in a way quite suited me because I was now able to do things with Ryan, I bought a bicycle seat for Ryan and we regularly went out together, normally on a Sunday morning, then as he got older I bought a trailer bike for Ryan which was really good fun, summer evenings were sometimes spent on the river fishing together, although Ryan was usually more interested in the maggots than the fish, and every Thursday evening I would pick Ryan up from nursery as Stephanie worked late and we would go swimming.
Stephanie and Ryan became more and more distant, to the point where he would rather come shopping with me than go out for the day somewhere with Stephanie.
Stephanie continued to be aggressive and hostile towards me, and quite often to Ryan, I knew I had to take the abuse and not to react or fight back because I didn't want to lose Ryan again.
On the 18 of August 1999 Stephanie produced me with a solicitors letter saying she wanted to split up, have residency of Ryan (offering my very minimal access) and to sell the house, so not only did she want to take Ryan away from me she was quite prepared to make me homeless too!
A week before Christmas 1999 Stephanie very happily agreed to Ryan having early Christmas Day at mum and dads as she and Ryan were spending Christmas In Germany, I now understand why, the last time I saw Ryan at home was Christmas Eve morning just as I was about to leave for work, Stephanie was busy getting everything ready, I kissed him goodbye, told him I loved him, and I would see him in ten days, they never returned. I received a phone call on new year's day from Stephanie (which I recorded) telling me she wasn't coming back, I later found out this had all been planned, a neighbour had seen Stephanie’s parents a few days before Christmas in the area, they had driven over so Stephanie could get much more of a her and Ryan’s personal belongings in the car, more than she could have got in a suitcase, she took as much as she could from the house without making it look obvious.
I did seek legal help, but as I wanted to keep my home I had to borrow an extra £15,000 to pay Stephanie to sign over her half of the house to me, and although we both signed a parental responsibility agreement shortly after Ryan was born which I left for Stephanie to post off, I later discovered it had never actually reached its destination so I was helpless, in debt, and without my son.
At first Stephanie was very accommodating, but I think she soon realised we would be coming over much more regularly to see Ryan than she wanted us to, she very quickly became hostile, awkward, and never being in when we wanted to call Ryan, and finally telling us that she thought four weekends a year were more than adequate to visit Ryan.
The first time we saw Ryan was in late spring 2000, mum dad and me were waiting outside the hotel for Stephanie to arrive with Ryan, they arrived, Ryan marched around the corner towards me, I crouched down, put out my arms to which Ryan broke into a sprint into my arms, i picked him up with him wrapping his arms really tight around my neck with his head on my shoulders giggling and periodically leaning back to look at me smiling with both his hands against either side of my face, I was bursting inside trying not to cry.
It wasn't long before Stephanie appeared with a new man, a very aggressive/ugly looking person, stocky, shaved grey hair and a harelip, (dad used to call him Herr flick) so they were certainly a good match! The “love bird” performance they put on for us was so over the top, Stephanie even had to give him a kiss before she went to the toilet and she always had at least one lovebite on her neck whenever we visited!
Not long after Ryan was born Stephanie had told me that she actually always wanted to be married and have another child, so it came as no surprise to us to find out that Stephanie was pregnant and married by March 2000! A convenient accident I suspect and i think that Stephanie may have thought that if she was married and pregnent as soon as possible in Germany that any court action to try and return her to England would not happen because of her marital status and the fact she is pregnant!
Because we wanted to see Ryan more than just four times a year and because it was impossible to try to reason with Stephanie I found myself an English speaking German solicitor to help me gain regular access to Ryan.
On the 14th of November 2000 I went to the German family courts to gain regular access, Stephanie also appeared, as she wanted to try and stop this.
I was awarded every third weekend to visit Ryan in Germany but only from 9.30 AM to 6.00 PM both days, plus we had to hand our passport to Stephanie before we could take him out, and that I now had to pay Stephanie maintenance of £110 per month, on top of lost over time, travelling to the airport, air fares, car hire, and hotel costs etc. this was crippling me. I needed more work, so three nights a week I worked at our local Tesco’s until 11.00 PM, 12.30 PM until 10.30 PM Saturdays, and 10.00 AM to 4.30 PM Sundays, I also took in a lodger as well.
I travelled to see Ryan every third weekend for a year, but the stress of travelling to a foreign hostile country so often and the 100 hour plus week was literally killing me.
On the Friday before one of our visit when my dad was ill with terminal cancer he received a very aggressive phone call from Stephanie telling him that Ryan was ill and for us not to come, he tried and struggle to reason with her explaining that the flights were already booked and paid for, she became more and more aggressive saying we could not see Ryan this weekend finally putting the phone down on him.
Dad was too ill to travel by this time so it was just mum and me who normally went, we decided to go anyway but as we waited outside Stephanie’s flat her partner came to the door telling us very aggressively that we couldn't see Ryan and to go otherwise he would call the police, mum tried to reason with him but he wasn't interested, I knew something like this was going to happen so luckily I had hidden my video camera in the flap of my jacket and video what happened.
The last time my dad saw Ryan was when his cancer was starting to affect him, he died on the 6th of June 2001, although Stephanie knew he was dying she refused to even let my dad speak to Ryan let alone even say goodbye!!
Dad was a very proud man and mum once said to me “Stephanie was the only woman who made my John cry”. As well as being given weekend access by the courts, I was also allowed to take Ryan on holiday but only in Germany, I did this for a week in April 2000 in a holiday camp, it was fantastic, at last I was able to be myself with Ryan, 24 hours a day and for 7 whole days, all he wanted was to do was go to the swimming pool all day, mum and dad were supposed to come as well but dad was too ill to travel and mum needed to be with him to look after him.
Just before Ryan was due to start school Stephanie had agreed to let mum and me take him on holiday again to another German holiday camp, but because I had written a letter to Ryan’s school telling them that I was his father and I would like to be given regular information on Ryan’s development and well being Stephanie stopped us from taking him, I never said anything about what Stephanie had done in the letter and the holiday had been paid in full. On my next visit before we were due to take Ryan on holiday Ryan had obviously been told that the holiday had been stopped because of my letter, he pleaded with me to ask Stephanie to change her mind, I did but she refused, even when we were taking him back on the Sunday he asked me again in the car to ask Stephanie to change her mind, as she stood on her doorstep with Ryan next to her I asked her again, she stood there very blanked faced again saying no, the look of sadness and devastation on Ryan’s face was heart breaking.
I cut my visits down to every fourth week but that was still leaving me penniless so it went to every 6th weekend and then to eight, Ryan’s English was becoming very poor and despite requests to Stephanie I knew nothing about him, he was becoming a stranger, we were even excluded from birthdays and although mum and me travelled to see Ryan on his first day at school we were told to stay away.
On another visit just before Christmas we received a call at the hotel from Stephanie on the Sunday morning saying Ryan was ill and she didn’t want him to go out but we could go over to her flat and sit with him in his bedroom for a while, so for over six hours we sat there with him playing and letting him open his Christmas presents we had bought him, he did seem a bit under the weather but nowhere near as bad as Stephanie had made out, in all that time we sat in his bedroom we weren’t even offered anything to drink.
All I had to offer my son was a hotel room, he lives in the middle of nowhere and although I went to evening classes at the local university to try to learn German I just couldn't, so finding and taking Ryan out somewhere became very difficult.
I last saw Ryan in August 2002, the immense bond we shared had been withered away, all I wanted was for Ryan to have regular holidays in England, somewhere relaxed and familiar, he has family and friends here who are unable to travel to Germany who would love to see him, Stephanie still refuses.
I have not deserted my son, he was secretly and selfishly taken from me.
Over the last three years I have flown to Germany to visit Ryan over 40 times to keep our bond going, I can no longer continue to travel to a foreign almost hostile country where I cannot enjoy my son in a relaxed familiar environment, I can't even share a simple conversation with him.
Stephanie has done everything she can to destroy our bond and to erase everything to do with my family and me, including changing his name from what is on his English birth certificate!
We worry and think about him every day, we do not even know what he has been told, and we have no safe guaranteed way to send him a letter or something as simple as a birthday card.
I can only hope that one day he will want to contact me, but the precious years are ticking away, and every day gone is a day lost forever!! It just goes to show how selfish Stephanie and her parents are and how little they actually care about Ryan’s needs and feelings.
Stephanie has always tried to justify what she has done with lies, lies that she can hide behind the language difference, and the claim that I never ever loved or cared for Ryan.
Ask yourself this, if her claims were true then why would I need to keep records dating back to early 1996 of everything that went on? I have the truth, the truth to hopefully one-day show Ryan that I did everything I possibly could.
I have missed out on everything in his younger life, i will never have the pleasure of running behind him holding his saddle as he trys to ride his bike, nor will i be there for him when he falls off.
I have no idea what he likes to do, or what his favourte pastime or food is.
The worst thing is, i dont know what he thinks of me? Does he think of me? Does he hate me? Would he like to contact me?
I live my life thinking about him all the time. I miss him so much.
No one around me seems to understand what it's like for me, i carry on as normal because that's all i can do.
I can't live the rest of my life waiting for a knock on the door, or an email or letter that might never happen. Could you?