Sarah's Life

OK, so my last entry I was out of my mind YAY! Expose oneself on the internet!....At least it didn't come with pics you'd all have been blind. I just realized that I don't have Marc on the Hunter's page. I'll have to get him done up soon. Rafe and Lena need bios still too. UGH so much to do. I'm making this quick. Ethan is sitting beside me pooping and when I get him cleaned up I have to take him for his walk so he'll take a nap.

I FINALLY finished Bread Crumbs about two weeks ago. It no longer fits the title. When it was titled there was supposed to be more of a hansel and gretel feel to the story. Oh well. I'll start the next one as soon as I reread at least the last few fics and figure out where I am. Its about time to jumpstart the YED plot.  You'll be getting  a oneshot, likely next week, that was spawned from watching Grey's Anatomy last week. Izzie's hubby....Oh shit what's his name? Anyway she was trying to get him to sleep with her or at the very least talk to her. He yelled at her instead in a manner that reminded me VERY much of Dean. He told her that she'd made him open up and love her, let her in then she died in his arms. So he's afraid to talk to her or touch her, he's afraid to move that she might just be gone again.  Seeing as Autty just died in Dean's arm my muses got all excited. So you'll have a oneshot based on that.

I'm also writing a "oneshot" (at least I hope its only one chapter) for Seer based on Kendra and Darcy/Sam's son Morgan. They go on a hunt that goes a little wrong and we get a sneak peek into their minds. Or rather Kendra's mind, thanks to a cursed object that gives people the chance to escape from reality and live the life they wish they had. She has to chose between her loyalty to her family and the guy she wants. It has a rather sappy ending but I love seeing the kids in action.

I've actually got a few oneshots I'd like to write while I'm on hiatus from the longer fics. So I hope to get things up and running again properly very soon. I'm just trying to get caught up on a LOT of tasks. I have a LOT to do and never have any time to do it. I'm in hopes that Mom'll start picking me and Ethan up and taking us back to my house during the day so I can get some work done there. If she would it would be no time before I was reading and writing again like I should. Lets see there are a few of you I HAVE to get back to. Nicole I still haven't read the sequel to Lindsey Winchester a Vampire? I WILL do that soon as I get a printer hooked up to my PC I'm gonna print it off and take it with me whereever I go until I finish reading it then I'll post a review/comment... I'm sure there are others I need to get back to too...Hmmm

I also need to get caught up actually watching the show and on some other nonsupernatural fics. I started writing a fanfiction for Harry Potter before the final book was released called Spies' Eyes and it needs finished and posted. The Mutant's Witch needs finished too its a HP/X-Men crossover. There is just SOOO much to get caught up on here in my computer world and even more in the real world. I've got two barns to shovel, a fence to replace, a shed to build, a stall to build, winterizing the barns, beefing up the goats for winter, truck keys to find, hay to buy/stack/store, a house to clean from top to bottom. Thanksgiving is going to be at my house this year. It should be interesting, Grandma's sister will be coming a woman I never met because she basically starved her own mother to death back in 1980. Grandma is one to hold grudges and is scary to think she's dropped this one. I don't hold grudges and I don't think I could ever forgive my siblings if they were responsible for starving my mother and not telling me when my dad died or was buried.  The family drama is so thick you can taste it on that side. Not much better on Dad's side since I just got another horse. She's 4, young and healthy. She's stubborn too. She kicked me yesterday. My leg is a bit sore but I'm fine.

OK Ethan is done for sure now so I need to go change him before it oozes out of his diaper *shudders*

TTYL

Sarah

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I quickly build walls damming the thoughts that wish to crash down on me drowning what little sanity I still hold. I slow my breathing. I block out the gentle beating of my heart.  For just a moment, a split second in time, I'm not here. I am not anywhere. For this precious moment I don't exsist. I am not alive nor am I dead. I simply am. Someone calls my name. The thin veil between me and reality crashes to the ground and my eyes open. I'm swearing internally. I don't want to be real. I don't want to face the world. For two seconds please just let me not be. The dam breaks my thoughts wash me away and there is no returning. So off I go. Plunging back through reality my head bent down trying my best not to be noticed.

People talk all around me. They laugh and joke, teasing each other. I don't make eye contact and find myself studying the wall. There is always a design to be found in the brush strokes of the paint or the print of the wall paper. I wish I were wall paper. I wish I was so insignificant. There is so much thought put into it at first. Then never again is it even noticed.  I want to disappear. I want to be forgotten. I want to slip through life without turning a head or provoking a thought.

They have this fit every time I voice these thoughts. They tell me I'm wrong. I'm backward. I have to function in society. People aren't all that bad. They aren't all like the ones from grade school that hurt me so many years ago. But then they come in from their day out in the real world. The smiling masks they cling to out there are discarded at the door like a winter coat. The shuffle in where I sit writing or reading. My mind whirling around the universe I'll never enter. They bark an order. They're hungry. They're dirty. They're tired. They're hurting. In their eyes I see it.

They'll never admit to the pain but its there. When their "friends" blow them off or say something behind their backs. When their co-workers or bosses don't react as they'd hoped. For a brief second they feel what I feel every day. They feel that sickening churning in their stomach. The one that eats at you from the inside out. They feel their faces go hot and their skin become too cool and transparent. Suddenly you're a Visble Human like the ones Health and Science teachers display on the corner of their desks next to the pencil sharpener. Everyone can see right through you to what makes you tick.  In this moment there is nowhere far enough away to hide. You can't recoil deeply enough inside yourself. It hurts.

This week has only just begun but already I'm wishing it were over. The last two mornings Elizabeth has yelled at me.  She's upset about little things. I didn't wash the bottles yesterday. Ethan isn't being walked everyday. She doesn't understand. I won't tell her. So the bottles I forgot. There were clean ones for the night and I did them first thing this morning. But the walking? I don't do people. This neighborhood is crawling with them. They are all cheerful. They seem to have fallen out of Barbie's world. They're all perfect. They have wide smiles with perfect teeth, well behaved pets and children. Their lawns all well groomed, their cars freshly waxed. This is the type of neighborhood where you should feel safe. I can't help but be creeped out. Every time I walk out the door I feel like I'm being watched. People stop and ask me about Ethan and always seem relieved to hear I'm just the sitter. Even the wild life here is abnormal. The squirrels sit and watch you pass by, and that's saying they don't run out in the walk and challenge you. 

I watched Dalton in South Lebanon. Drug dealers lived on the next street. At least once a week the cops were called to a "domestic dispute" on his street. It was scary, "tough" neighborhood. When my uncle heard I was baby sitting in "southtown" he got upset. But I was more at home, more comfortable there. This place gives me the willies. Its too perfect. Maybe I watch too many horror movies and get too into Supernatural. But honestly? This would be a great set for them. Quiet, wooded community, its just off the highway, not too far from an old horse and buggy stop. You can get just lost enough to forget you're a stone's throw away from the freeway. I hate it.

Mom has been riding my case a lot too lately. Patience has been with us nearly a month and she believes I've slacked off a LOT in my duties. I still do everything I did before. I don't know. From what I'm being told I'm the horrible angry one. But I feel like they're all out to get me. I need to write. I need to delve into my own world of fiction and disappear. But with Patience around I don't. I hate to write while others are around. She's sleeping on the living room floor here at Ethan's right now. Its the only reason I'm writing this. Mom just took Ethan to the doctor to get his shots and I'm waiting on guys coming to install a big flatscreen tv. They're an hour late. They were due at 11 itrs now noon. I feel horrible. I want to curl up and go to sleep. I want to sleep until the world goes away. But I can't.

Every time I say something like that this little voice in my head yells out a mental disorder. Social Anxiety Disorder! Depression! OCD!  The voice is unyeliding. All the voices are. Then when admitting their are voices the one who is convinced I'm crazy calls me a skitzo. Do we not all have voices in our heads? They're not other personalities, though they can become that when I morph them into characters. I see them too. I see this image in my head when I hear the voice.

There is an elderly woman in a faded pink dress with white polkadots and ragged house slippers, her glasses are on a beaded chain and slipping down her nose, she has cold grey eyes and silver hair that could use a good brushing. She scolds me for drinking pop before bed, crossing the street without looking, not washing my hands, or saying please and thank you. 

When I do something well there is the girl. She's aged as I've aged. She has a pointed nose and brown eyes that pierce your soul. She's rather plain in the looks department but always dressed in the highest fashions. The girl tells me I'm wrong when I think something. She tells me its not good enough when I do something. No matter how well I do she tears me down. She makes sure I never feel good about myself.

There are other voices. My parents slip in and out on occasion reminding me of something they once taught me. My siblings hop across the plain of my mind to poke and prod me. Occasionally a friend I once had will come in and squeeze my hand promise it will all be alright but I don't believe them. The only other note worthy voice is this soft feeble one. Somewhere in the back of my mind is a small child. The image changes for the child. Sometimes its a little girl with a mop of curly honeyblonde hair others its a boy of six or seven with a mischevious smile. The child whispers things to me. Quotes from books I once found inspiring. Things my own characters once said in a situation similar to my own. Words of apperciation that I never here from real people. Little notes of comfort.

I really need to go Patience just woke up and I need to finish watching Twilight so I can return it tonight. This has gotten REALLY long and out of hand too. I'll talk to everyone later.

Sarah

I'm sitting here at Ethan's. Its nearly 10: 30 an my mind is buzzing. Its always this way at night. Something about the starlight streaming through the windows puddling on the floor, the silence of a house full of sleeping creatures, the hum of the AC and the fan in my laptop, it just makes me want to press my fingers to cold plastic keys and let them scream. So I grab my flash drive and plug it in bringing up all the right files. I find my fingers poised over home row my eyes fixated on the paragraph I wrote last time the file was opened. Suddenly I need a drink. Then I'm hungry. Maybe I should wash the dishes? Sweep the floors. Are all the doors and drawers shut? Now I've got to pee.

Autumn, Athena, Darcy, Sam, Will, and Dean all sit on the couch and chairs in the TV room, Dean's propped against the fireplace mantle watching me. Ghostbusters is on the big screen tv. They're waiting for me to come back to them. At times these characters feel so real to me that I can almost see them there. I feel like Christopher Robin. I know I'm too old to go back to the hundred acre wood but sometimes the longing to frolic with Winnie the Pooh and my dear friends is too strong.  Does that make sense?

I guess its different when you're writing. No one would have said a word if Mark Twain said he needed to go home Tom and Huck where waiting on him, they had another adventure. No one even blinked an eye when T.A.Barron stated on many an occasion that Merlin stood over his shoulder telling to him what his "lost years" were like and explaining where he was as a boy.  But did Mr. Barron ever sit there feeling his character pressed against his back, listening to him whisper his life story into his ear, and wonder if he had any ounce of sanity left?

I don't know. But as I sit here fingers poised over the keys the gang waiting anxiously for me to begin their tales again I have to wonder if I've gone too far. Have I lost myself completely to a world that could never really be real? I casted them, gave them faces. I've given them Twitter accounts.  I can hear their voices in my head. I know exactly how Autumn would sound. I know the cockiness of Will's voice. So many times I've heard Teenie laughed and tease.

These thoughts seem to tangle around my finger tips keeping them held still. They wait. They fight. They never make a single key stroke then my time is up. I have to move on. The dogs need out. The baby needs a bottle. Mom is calling for me. I need to get to the farm. Laundry needs switched or dishes need done. My break from life is over its time to crash back into reality. Sink or swim and half the time I feel myself sinking.

*sighs* I need to go put my plate in the dishwasher then maybe I'll start working on Bread Crumbs. I've ideas for some oneshots. Mostly based around Autumn and Dean, Teenie needs some more time. I'm so tired and never seem to have enough hours any more.

Life is a constant race anymore. I'm up at 7 and crawling into bed at midnight. I pack my days with watching Ethan, tending animals, moving grandma, running errands, and discussing a daycare I may be opening. Elizabeth is great. She's offered me her car if I get my license which I REALLY must do. She's fronting the money for this daycare. She spoils me I fear. I jokingly wonder if I've aquired a sugra mamma.  Anyway there are things that must be done, even at this late hour.

TTYL

Sarah

Its been ages. OK so since April what has happend? Fair is coming up. I have Ethan full time, though I think I had that then...maybe? He's generally a happy baby thought teething lately has made him nearly unbareable somedays. I spent last weekend in West Virginia with friends and am currently plotting for them to come stay with me a week or three. Not been doing a lot of writing and I hate that. I REALLY wish I were doing more.  I'm trying to set up a schedual so that everyday I have a little bit of time to write. But that 's failing. Like right now i'm ignoring Ethan's fussing to write this but that won't last much longer. I'll break in the middle of writing this go change him and put him down for his nap a hour early but he's obviously sleepy.

   I've been catching up with an OLD friend lately too. Katie and Mike the werewolf are back together. ERM...IDK. I'm thinking about getting my lisence. I just turned 20 June 7th...I'm going to be the rabbit judge for Showman of showman. Which should be cool. I'm writing all of this down now because I was getting ready to open Bread Crumbs to write the next chapter and happened to think that its been a while. A LONG while. OH...forgive my scattered thoughts...I've made twitter accounts for a few of the characters I'll post them here...

www.twitter.com/aadaemon    is Autumn

www.twitter.com/ardaemon     is Athena

www.twitter.com/wrainingcloud    is Will

I'll likely make more if this turns out to be fun. You guys can watch them interact and even shoot them a note if you like. I just have a lot of two minute incrinates of empty time on my hands. OK I can't take the fussing anymore and don't know what else to write. So I'm gonna run.

TTYL

Sarah

I'm willing to bet that I've lost all my readers, 'cept Carly and Seer, at this point. I REALLY need to get writing again. I had planned to write constantly while up at the Markou's from the 3rd to the 13th but that went to hell. They didn't want me to actually stay there. Which I didn't find out until they'd already left. After they had told me to stay there. Said I would sleep in the master bedroom and to just make myself at home. It was a pain in the ass to run up every few hours to let the dogs out. But was fond of the dogs so I did it for the 150 bucks for ten days. It wasn't near enough money for the gig but OH WELL.

I"m not watching Ethan on a daily basis. Elizabeth, his mother, got the job here so I'll be watching him from 8:30 in the morning until at the latest 5:30 in the evening. He's such a cutie. I'll try putting pics up later. But like I've said before I can't figure out the photograph program on here. I'll be making 200 dollars a week, which is really good for him. Hopefully as I fall in to place there and get used to the drill I'll be able to write some. Get things back on track.

In the mean time anyone who is interested go to www.sis3922.deviantart.com and you can see my photography. Its what I'm doing while I'm not writing. I've got something like 300 photos up. Also, www.kamlagegifts.com is my family's new bussiness. There is a ton of random stuff forsale there and adventually Mom plans to add more directly from us to the site. But that maybe a year or two. Mom and I are working on the rabbitry trying to get it back. I miss it sooooo much! It also means I'm getting some Mommy and Me time. Which I haven't had in years. Its really awkward. I never know what to say or do.

I really had planned on saying more here but I haven't got the time.  I just got a call from some 4-h kids who want me to breed their rabbits for meat pens. Its that time again. WOOT! Fair is just around the corner guys! I've got to get dressed though or I'll still be in my PJ's when it gets here.

Love ya

Sarah

ROFL! The next morning when I got up I had an e-mail from the sittercity.com people. The subject was "I need to talk to you". So I open it to find its a message from a parent on the stie with a 8 week old baby named Ethan. She was looking for  a sitter. I've since watched Ethan four times. He's a doll baby. He doesn't fuss unless he's hungry or wet and then its just grunting kinda stuff. I've only had him really scream once and that was while I left him in his bouncer in the living room to go make a bottle and took too long. He's great. I can't wait till he's old enough to start crawling and talking though. 

I've not heard from the Markou family since my long weekend up there. Well not true. I got an e-mail yesterday requesting that I contact them about my dogsitting from teh 3rd to the 13th. I just called and got the answering machine. Anyone care to explain why those things are soooo awkard? They've put up an ad on the site looking for a new babysitter. I'm glad. I don't really want that job. It was way too awkward. It has however sparked a story idea I may play with. Not sure yet... Hmm

There isn't really anything else to report. So I guess I'll stop avoiding and get back to my chores. I will write as much as physically possible while up at the Markou's for those ten days. It shouldn't be difficult.

Tootles

Sarah

I miss when babysitting meant babies. I like babies. You know under the age of five.  I'm not afraid of diapers. Their babbling amuses me. I like playing with crayons to make a ton of unknown squigglies. I enjoy the endless games of peekaboo and hide and seek.  Hell even Dora the Explorer has her moments when she's OK. But since Thrusday at 9 AM I've been on duty here. I'm just up the road from my own house watching a 14 year old and a 9 year old. They're not bad. They're not fun either. They don't talk. He just wants to watch TV she stays in her room. He changes channels worse than my dad too. I mean the boy watches five shows at once and KNOWS THEM ALL! He can tell you what is going on. I'm sitting there still trying to figure out when the Avatar joined forces with the X-Men when all of a sudden we're looking at the end credits for Zach and Cody.

I kinda got yelled at tonight.  None of this has gone over a smoothly as hoped. Mom doesn't like running the kids to all their little affairs. Getting them to school, scouts, and church is fine. But Noah wants to go to Target to get some toy and Grace wanted to go to a friend's house tonight. I don't drive and am dependant on Mom to get them around. UGH. I think about driving when I'm stuck like this. I don't want to but it would make things easier. Driving seems to becoming like ironing. I don't like it. I don't want to do it. But I had to learn how  simply because it makes life that much easier.

Its only 10:30 and I'm so bored I'm considering bed. I wrote two songfics today. I might type them up tonight and post them when I get on tomorrow. Or maybe I'll shower and veg out with Stargate. I swear if Daniel Jackson doesn't return soon I'm going to kill someone. He's not really my type but he's adorable.

Pardon my ADD tonight. But eating here is odd. There aren't any like snacky things to just munch every once in a while. I'm supposed to make sure both of the kids eat and they don't want to. Grace hasn't eaten dinner tonight. I didn't know it was going to be such an issue until her mom called. Sue kinda chewed me out. Just stuff I'm supposed to make sure they do and gets done which I can't really do if she doesn't give me a list. OK she wants Noah to play outside a little. You have to tell me that. She wants me to watch Grace makes sure she eats? I need to know that. Noah needs to do chores like washing windows? I need to know that to make sure it happens. How hard is that? *shrugs* Its kind of frusterating. I don't know.... I like the job. Its easy. I come I sit. I get thirty dollars. But these long weekend things are sort of a pain in the ass. I don't know if Mom's going to let me keep the gig. She may make me quit. UGH I hate quitting things that require confirmation that I quit. Its such a pain in the ass. I was sick to my stomach when I quit at Maxim. That was just an e-mail. This is going to be a face to face thing more than likely.

I'm bored can you tell? SOOOOO bored. My only real entertainment or interaction has been with the dogs. They're finally starting to like me. April will be a breeze. Ten whole days here to myself? Katie wants to come up and stay a few days with me. That'll be fine. She stayed here with me last night. She said she felt like we'd moved out together and the kids were and I quote "our crazy little roommates or something".

WHY is it always so cold here? Better question why am I always cold. Its been a year and since this started. I freeze constantly. Before that I was always warm. I'm even cold to the touch now. Its werids me out. I don't like it. Hmmm Sounds like Grace has gone back up to bed. She came down to eat. FINALLY.  I wonder if I should head off for a shower? I don't want to but what is stoping me? I'm actually IMing Robby and txting Katie. I have nothing better to do. I wish they had wireless here. That would make thing easier. Oh well. I'll have pics in April I hope. At least of the outside. Its sooo pretty here. I think I've already said that though.  

BLAH! I have nothing else to say here I guess I'll go.

TTYL

*sobs* I had just about finished the blog and my stupid computer decides to take me to another page and I lose the whole bloody thing. UGH!! Okay so instead of being cute about it we're seriously doing a freaking bullet point this is my life thing.....

WORK: Not much to be said. I'm babysitting two kids up the road a few nights a week and on weekends when their parentals go out. They're pretty good kids thus far. I'll be up there all weekend 3 PM friday until 10 PM sunday is the range I was given. Then in April I'm house/dog sitting for 10 days. I can't wait. I still have to set a price...how much do you ask to live in a house your in love with for 10 days?

HOME: With the weather warm again we're working on Grandma's house again. Mom and Grandma want it rentable soon. So a lot of Grandma's stuff is being brought here. There is like no room to move. When I'm done with this I'll probably be stuck upstairs trying to catch up laundry and dishes. But that's a pain with NO ROOM TO MOVE!!!

DALTON: He turned 8 in Feb. I know that really isn't a big deal to you guys. But I've had him since he was 5 weeks old. Its sort of major to me. My baby is growing up.

WRITING: I'm soooooo sorry guys. I'm having issues. OK so when I try to write I feel guilty about not reading and stop. Then if I'm reading I feel guilty about not writing and stop. So I'm WAY behind in both. I really do plan to work on it and will have nothing better to do most of this weekend. The kids are pretty easy gigs.

    OK I think that pretty much covers everything. I'm going to head surface side now. Mabye see some of that beautiful sunlight....*SOOOO hasn't caught spring fever*

Okay I'm doing this REALLY fast, as if I ever blog quickly, before telling Mom I need to run to TSC for feed. A few days ago I was talking to a friend. I love her dearly and somehow or another talked her into writing a long time ago. Her ideas were always entertaining and good. She put a lot of thoughts into things but her execution was always a bit off. She would bog herself down with the same errors we all make so frequently. Our spelling and grammar when we start often leaves much to be desired. But over the years she never seemed to master either. Then the other night I poked her asking for more of a fic she's been writing for the two of us for years. Its a horrible plot line, the characters bonus into Mary Sue all the time. People's names and details can change at random because its been so long since playing with them and we've forgot these important little things.  But this e-mail contained something I was impressed with. Her spelling had massively improved, her vocabulary had grown. I wanted to hug her! She's my adopted little sister. I'm so proud of her. My lil girl is growing up.

The subject has to do with something else. Seer, my dear muse, and I have been playing with the Wee!Hunters. We are sort of at a point with our girls and the boys that we need something fresh to play with. So we've moved on to the children. It isn't forever. I do plan on working on Bread Crumbs this week. Seer has gone back to work now so I'm left to entertain myself at night again. This will let me wander about between the generations. But I kind of wanted to talk a little bit about it because I'm sooo excited. Seer would like to make it a series of its own. So for those of you possibly worried about  me leaving as soon as I'm done with my sereies I will still be around playing with Seer because five of the seven kids are mine.

We've got plenty of drama thought up. With five girls and the two sons the gang will have tons to worry about. The personalities of their kids will be a bit familiar. Its easy to see who the kids saw the most of. I may post something so you can see them all together and get a taste of what we're playing with. I'm having fun with it. I think she is too. But everyone is growing  up.

OK I'll talk to everyone later I'm sure there is more i need to say. I know I haven't posted my anual fluffy chick flicky blog yet. Telling everyone how much I love them and stuffs. So I'll try to get that up soon too. I'm off I need to get ready to go. Its 3:20 and I'm still not dressed. Later dudes!