The Golden Spork Awards
There are movies that are bad, there are movies that are horrible, there are even movies that are sucktacular. But every now and then a movie comes along in which you realize that inflicting physical pain upon your person would be perferable to watching the movie. Maybe punching yourself in the face, or sticking bamboo slivers under your fignernails, maybe extensive dental work with a jackhammer. Or maybe gouging out your eyes with a spork so you won't have to watch the movie... and for that we have come up with the Golden Spork Awards. Everytime we come across a movie that is that painful, in which physical pain would be perferable, the scathing review will be posted first, and then it will wind up here, where it will recieve a "Sporky". As long as they keep making crappy movies, we'll keep on Sporking!Spork You!
And The Winners Are...
Alone In The Dark (2005) Director: Uwe BollWhy it sucked: Well, first off, it's directed by Uwe Boll. Secondly it's based off a video game. Third it's directed by Uwe Boll (it's so bad it's worth mentioning twice). Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff all must've had house payments due. Either that or Boll had something on them, that's the only reason I can think of for them agreeing to be in this movie.
BloodRayne (2005) Director: Uwe BollWhy it sucked: Horrible acting all around, Michael Madsen and Ben Kingsley were apparently sleeping while the cameras were rolling, Kristanna Loken apparently forgot how to act, fight scenes that looked slow and sloppy, and an incomprehensible plot. Add that all up and tack on a head scratching ending, and you've got a movie that just sucks the life out of you.
Bloody Movie (a.k.a.: Terror Night) (1987) Director: Nick Mariano, André De TothWhy it sucked: The ending, plain and simple. The movie was perfect b-movie cheese right up until the final 20 minutes that felt forced and tacked on, if only to fit in a cameo by Cameron Mitchell. Not even the presence of scream queen Michelle Bauer's full frontal nudity could save this movie from it's final 20 minutes.
Evil Breed: The Legend Of Samhain (2003) Director: Christian VielWhy it sucked: This is one case where I cannot fault the director for this movie. Most of the movie was taken out of the hands of Viel and turned into a monumental crap fest. You'd figure with a movie that sports three current porn stars (and one former porn star), and mutants that there would be frequent nudity and gore to keep you from noticing the shitty plot, but no such luck.
Godzilla (1998) Director: Roland EmmerichWhy it sucked: Toho (you know, the guys that make the real Godzilla movies) gave the folks at Tri-Star a set of guidelines to follow if they were going to make this movie... and they were promptly ignored, which is why Jira (what the Japanese called this impostor) got his scaly ass handed to him in Godzilla: Final Wars (2004). Good actors stuck in a bad movie.
Lake Placid (1999) Director: Steve MinerWhy it sucked: Bridget Fonda whining throughout the whole movie, Oliver Platt being... well Oliver Platt (I've never liked him), Bill Pullman almost blending in with the background, and... oh yeah, a big f'n crocodile that didn't eat any major characters. The only shining moment in this entire movie was Betty White cursing like a drunken sailor.
Reign in Darkness (2002) Director: Kel Dolen and David W. AllenWhy it sucked: Kel Dolen's droning monotne is enough to put even the strongest insomniac to sleep, the ridiculous story, the lame "special effects" and the overall badness that oozed from my TV screen when I watched this.
Room 6 (2006) Director: Mike HurstWhy it sucked: Not even the presence of Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder in a breif cameo could save this movie. Jerry O'Connell was the only bright spot, Christine Taylor screams a lot, Shane Brolly is just kind of there, and they put in a CHEAT ENDING! I HATE CHEAT ENDINGS! Thusly I hate this movie.
Wolves of Wall Street (2002) Director: David DeCouteauWhy it sucked: Now reading that title alone you'd think the main focus of the movie would be... go ahead take a wild guess. Werewolves right? Well guess what, there's not ONE DAMN WEREWOLF IN THE WHOLE FREAKIN' MOVIE! It's hinted at, but never shown, in fact the word werewolf is never spoken by any character, not much is shown on the screen for 90 minutes except a really bad movie.
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