I haven't updated this website since January, 2006. I've had a lot going on and also, I've had a few months where I just sat still with my weight and really didn't feel I had anything positive to offer, so I just didn't post. Until now.  

I've had several significant events happen in my life in those months and I don't think until a little over a month ago, I knew how much they had affected me... until I started to see a weight gain and old patterns emerging. 

I left my job at the beginning of February to be able to better care for my mother. She is not a complainer... and I don't think I really knew until Christmas, how much Dad was having to do and I really felt I needed to make myself more available for her. I only worked part time and had been at my job at the college for a number of years and both loved the work I did and the people I worked with very much. It's rare to find that combination. Plus it was 3 minutes from my house.

So leaving was hard but I left knowing that it was for the right reasons, and God would take care of me.

March brought with it the death of a good friend, and I mourned her passing deeply. I wasn't prepared for her death and it had been a shock to all of us, and I couldn't imagine not talking to her each day and know she was there to lean on for support, encouragement and friendship.  What a friend she had been. 

April, my little dog Bubba Bill died and I had had him for 14 years and he was like family to me. I don't have any children, so I was especially close to him. His love and devotion toward me through the years, really showed me a lot about what God's unconditional love must look like. He would greet me with enthusiasm at the front door EVERY time I came in, and each time, it looked as if I had made his day that day... just by walking in. He had this "smile"... and it just lit up the room. He knew 56 words and would respond appropriately when I said them to him. My friends all thought he was hilarious... and he was. My favorite one was "Excuse Me". I could walk through the room and if he was lying in the sun resting and if I needed to walk where he was sleeping, I could say "Excuse me Bill" and he would jump up and move out of the way and when I walked past him, he would resume his position in the sun. I have hundreds of Bill stories and memories... all happy ones, except for the last few weeks of his life. He died of oral cancer and I had to make the decision to have him put him to sleep.

That had to be one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make, and harder still to actually go to the vet clinic that day and stay by his side as they put him to sleep. I had to dig very deep that day to see past my need to have my little dog stay here with me and continue to be a part of my life... and see instead the deep need for peace and rest in his eyes and love him enough to carry that out.

Dad and I buried him in my backyard on April 7, and to this day, the grass will not grow in that spot. What a gift from above He was and I thank God for giving me that sweet dog who brought much more to my life than I ever did to his. I was grieving so deeply that day and had asked my dad to come and help me bury him...but I prayed as dad drove over here that God would help him not to minimize my grief and that he would understand. My dad doesn't say a lot, and doesn't cry easily, even though he has a very tender heart. I've seen him cry only one time in my life... until that day in my backyard. He was so gentle with Bill when he put him in the box and into the ground, and when we were finished, he said "Bill was a special dog... my granddog, and I will miss him." He had big tears in his eyes and his lips were shaking. I hugged him and don't think I've ever been as grateful for my dad or felt as close to him as I did that day.  I knew that I had been blessed with a glimpse into what my Abba Daddy's love looks like through my own earthly dad.

After Bill passed, the silence in this house was deafening. Initially, I lost 10 pounds from not being able to eat or even wanting to. But I felt so sad every time I came home, that I just started eating out most of my meals for a while. I did okay at first, but eating out makes it hard to stay eat healthy. The longer I ate out, the more I let down my guard and at some point I just pretty much didn't care anymore. I wasn't bingeing but I wasn't as careful as I had been. I just felt I had lost a lot this year and even felt "justified" that I needed to have some things that I wanted, even if they weren't on program.  In AA they call that "stinkin' thinkin'.  

But the miracle of this whole scenario is that I stayed in my WW meetings the whole time. I'd would go in and know I was going to gain, but I also hoped that somehow if I kept dragging my body to those meetings, that something would click.

The 3rd Friday in June, I stood on the scale and was up from 203 to 223, 20 pounds gained. Even though I saw that number, I didn't have any idea how to turn this around and get back on program. I felt numb inside. I wondered how I had ever lost 175 in the first place...

But in that meeting that day, my sweet Weight Watcher leader stood in front of us and said an almost desperate urgency in her voice, "I want to ask you a question, and if you'd like to share your answer, please do... because this is important." Then she asked "In those times when you have done your BEST and were really on track and moving forward, what ONE thing did you hold on to that gave you what you needed to be successful? What made it work for you? Why were you able to do it then and maybe aren't able to now."

Then she looked ME square in the eye and said "I want you to remember what that was, and go back to what worked."

It clicked for me in our meeting that day. I left there very aware that it was GOD who had made the difference for me in the beginning. But somewhere along the way the last few months, I lost sight of that that. I went home, turned on my computer and read my own website from beginning to end. I didn't need to read someone's story who had lost weight to "motivate" me... I needed to read how GOD has rescued ME from a deep pit and how he took someone the world had pretty much given up on 2 1/2 years ago, and gave her the assurance that He had not.

I went back to the basics of what I did in the beginning, as if I was starting over completely. I wrote down my food, called it in to an accountability partner, and started weighing weekly again. I started telling my friends in the meeting how I was doing and asked them to hold me accountable. And they DO!

I'm back down to 210 and have 7 more to be where I was at the end of last January. To some, it may sound like I have had a wasted year. But I've learned a couple of things from all this. One, I have never (up until this point) gone off a diet for an extended period of time, without gaining ALL my weight back, plus more. I now know it is possible to REALLY mess up and turn it around in the middle of it and get back on track. I used to believe that about OTHER people, but now I know it is true for even ME.  The other thing that I have learned is that this is a daily reprieve we have in Christ.  I need to get up and run home each morning and start my day at the foot of the cross.  It's there and only there that I can get the strength I need to face whatever comes each new day.   I will be forever grateful for my Weight Watcher leader, who is also a "shirleyjean"... for going way past what the WW meeting was supposed to be about that day, and instead, seeing great need in the heart of one of her friends, and addressing it.

We don't have to use food to deal with the hurts that life brings, and I am slowly learning to trust that God is enough in ANY situation, no matter how much it hurts.  I can honestly tell you that when I was overeating to cover the grief I felt... it didn't.  It just added to that grief, a lot of frustration, anger at myself, and 20 pounds. 

 I don't deal well with grief, or loss. Much of my life has been about loss but I am learning that God has used each hurt to show me how ABLE he is to fill that hole left inside with his love and gifts of grace.  And when you find that all you have left is the love of God... you find that it is MORE than enough.  I'm coming to believe that His plans for me are far greater than anything I even dared to hope for.  What a faithful God we serve!

So that's my update! I promise to keep this updated more in the future. Thanks for the email reminders.  :)

Shirley