I found this little jewel on EZCF today...a nice vomit-worthy jewel. Who the hell comes up with this dumb shit? I advise you not to read the real reasons if you've just had something to eat. Here is the link to the steaming bullshit:

http://lifestyle.msn.com/FamilyandParenting/babyandpregnancy/ArticleBC1.aspx?cp-documentid=414364>1=8174

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And now, here is the revised list.

Twenty things that change when you have a baby:

1. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.

- You stare at your child in the mirror and ask yourself what you ever did to deserve such a torturous burden.

2. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.

- When your baby is in your arms, most of the time you get the pleasure of smelling fresh baby shit.

3. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid.

- You also once believed you were smart when you got pregnant and stayed healthy, and now you find yourself stupid for wasting so much effort on a screaming hellcat.

4. You're less self-involved and more self-motivated.

- You can't even be bothered to take a shower because all your time is spent watching Junior, cleaning him, feeding him, and playing with him.

5. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.

- You no longer consider them sacrifices - they are merely "bad investments".

6. You respect your body ... finally. (Hooray for baby-making!)

- You've put your body through a methaphorical shredder, and probbaly not even the baby's father will want to go near it. Self-respect is the only hope your body has left after spawning.

7. You have stronger opinions and are stronger willed.

- Prior to spawning, you believed in fair treatment of others. After the shit loaf came down the chute, you believe everyone needs to go out of their way to make your life easier. Your will has become stronger in that you enforce said beliefs on the entire world without shame because we all need to worship your almighty uterus.

8. You respect your parents and love them in a new way. (Hooray for grandparents!)

- Of course you're going to love your parents more now...or try to anyway. They're going to be your free babysitters when the shitling gets old enough, so you better fucking be nice to them.

9. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.

- Headaches induced by an infant's screaming only get worse since most ways to shut the kid up would be considered child abuse.

10. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child. (Hooray for the tooth fairy!)

- You think it's perfectly okay to act immature and lazy, and get away with things just because you've got a sprog in tow. It's like some kind of de-evolution going on.

11. You lose touch with the people in your life that you should have banished years ago.

- Yeah, because they want to talk about more than your kid's most recently shat diaper or how Junior barfed on your shirt and you were too tired to change it.

12. Your heart breaks much more easily.

- When your walking wallet decides there's a lot more to life than shit diapers and jars of pureed fruit, you feel your heart shatter knowing that you no longer have a free and open bank to take from when you need new clothes or shoes.

13. You think of your baby 234,836,178,976 times a day. In fact, you're so busy with this that you forget everything else.

- After a week straight of being kept awake at night by the kid's screaming, you're probably thinking of all the ways you can off the little bastard. You get so busy thinking about it that you forget to feed the kid, or even take it out of its crib. Are you hoping it will fall victim to SIDS?

14. Every day is a surprise.

- You just never know what baby bodily fluids will end up on your clothes first. Will you be drooled on today, or shit on?

15. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)

- They might please you, but it's quite rude to subject people around you and your kid to your child's shit pants. Even if you are used to smelling shit, they are not. I'd advise being cautious of who you tell that shit pleases you, lest they think you're a corpophile.

16. You think before you speak.

- You speak and never think, because the brain and the common sense went out with childbirth.

17. You become a morning person. (Hooray for watching the sun rise!)

- Of course you become a "morning person" - have you ever heard of a parent who can sleep until noon? Hell no! The shrieking of the child keeps you awake all night, so you probably never go to sleep anyway. You don't have a damn choice.

18. If you have a son, you no longer curse men. (Hooray for all men!)

- The only time you would need to curse about a man is when your partner refuses to be your personal ATM. But when they make a turn-around, or you find a new partner who is willing to be a wallet, men are suddenly the greatest creatures to ever grace the planet.

19. If you have a daughter, you hope she won't endure your same heartaches.

- You pray your daughter will be smart enough to use birth control, and then if he proclaims her desire never to spawn, you'll tell her how rewarding of an experience it was raising her and how she's selfish and missing out.

20. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.

- You put up with screaming, shit, and spending sick amounts of money on dumb stuff that the baby NEEDS. Yet you go outside with a big phony smile and pretend like it's all worth it to be poor, miserable, and have little to show for it that a creature that shits itself and screams. Putting on such a facade must require superhuman stupidity.