Valentine's Day came late this year to WWE. While the rest of the country gets set to celebrate the fourth of July, last night's Smackdown released a series of matches and vignettes aimed at couples -- young couples, cautionary tales of couples in the midst of breaking up, couples just getting together, and couples that make no sense to the outside eye.
We begin with a recap of WWE's most explosive couple, Vince MacMahon and Zach Gowan. A typically slick WWE video package makes their confrontation from last week look better than it really was and explains why Zach and Stephanie MacMahon are scheduled for a suicide mission against The Big Show.
Next we see, Vince MacMahon's head blown up to supersized proportions, filling the screen. I'm reminded tonight that I'll probably be spending at least part of this holiday weekend over at my brother's house where on his giant screen HDTV, Vince's huge head must be terrifying sight for the grandchildren. As his head shrinks down to more life-sized proportions, Vince announces that he'll finally be sealing Mr. America's fate and repeats his announcement of the handicap match between Stephanie/Zach and The Big Show.
But first we get Rey Mysterio defending the Cruiserweight title against Nunzio of the Full Blooded Italians. Billy Kidman (sans hottie) is watching from the crowd with something vaguely resembling a sinister look on his face. Before the match even begins referee Mike Chioda bars Nunzio's fellow FBI members Johnny the Bull Stamboli and Chuck Palumbo from the ring area. Smackdown referees are so much stricter than their Raw counterparts. You'd think that the two shows were run by two different companies. ;-)
It turns out that when not relying on "the numbers game," Nunzio is actually a pretty good wrestler. It's a typical fast paced Cruiserweight match with Mysterio flying high and Nunzio trying to ground him with his mat-based offense. The two styles mesh well. At one point, both competitors land hard outside the ring where Palumbo and Stamboli take advantage of a distracted referee to attack Mysterio while Nunzio plays opossum. Even with the damage done, Mysterio kicks out when Nunzio covers him. Palumbo and Stamboli continue to lurk on the entrance ramp until the APA show up to attack them. Despite the now even odds, Mysterio decides to end things quickly with the 619/Dropping the Dime combination.
Billy Kidman rushes to the ring to congratulate Mysterio. Mysterio briefly picks up on something vaguely unwholesome about his behavior. Maybe it was the way he hugged him a little too hard or the way he held on to the Cruiserweight belt a little too long but it's evident that Billy Kidman is up to no good. The last time I saw such a creepy display, it was a beret clad Monica Lewinski hugging up on an oblivious Bill Clinton as a whole nation seemed to scream in unison, "don't do it Bill, that chick's up to no good!" Expect to see Billy Kidman displaying stalker type behavior towards the cruiserweight champion soon.
A preview of the new Tomb Raider movie follows. Angelina Jolie is hot but as with the last one, it looks like this movie will suffer from a serious lack of tomb raiding.
Another young couple is beginning to have problems. Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar are beginning to reach a stage in their relationship where each partner's little habits start to get on the other's nerves. Kurt with his milk and Brock with his potato chips (could this be foreshadowing? could the manster be letting himself go?) are a study in contrasts but with huge egos in common. A cute blonde with a ponytail walks by and says "Hi Champ." Each man assumes she talking to him. An amusing argument over who's the bigger champion follows. Cute blonde with a ponytail returns. Kurt tries to chat up Cuteblondewithaponytail. Brock gives Kurt a huge pat on the back causing Kurt to spit up milk -- all over Cuteblondewithaponytail.
Another odd couple, really a trio is the Bashem brothers and their "manager" Shaniqua. (Why Shaniqua anyway? They've acknowledged that she's really Linda Miles and Shaniqua isn't really a name you'd expect for a dominatrix.) Shaniqua's outfit isn't very flattering to her muscular body. (It looks more like something Stacy Keibler would wear if she were into S&M.) Last week on Velocity, she wore a much more flattering one piece. Either way, the Bashems seem to really enjoy her "training." Here's a tip for telling the two brothers apart, Doug is the "balder" one. While Danny keeps his hair shaven more closely, Doug has stubble that shows early signs of male pattern baldness.
Their opponents is a couple that has been having troubles recently, Chris Benoit and Rhyno. Referee Jimmy Corderis is the schmuck of Smackdown! referees. He's the one referee that can be consistently counted on to lose control of a match. After dominating the match early on, Rhyno spends much of the rest of the match getting double teamed by the Bashems. Benoit tags in and takes over. He goes for the Flying Wolverine (Air Canada, Swan Dive Head Butt, etc.) and this time, Shaniqua doesn't try to interfere. Danny finally taps out to Crossface. After the match Shaniqua beckons Benoit like a leather clad siren. A jealous Rhyno drags him away. More therapy will be needed to heal this relationship.
Stephanie is back in daddy's little girl mode hoping to earn a reprieve from having to get into the ring with The Big Show. Vince is not swayed. Sable makes a cameo to run it in, she looks more appealing this time around than she has in the past.
Jamie Noble and Nidia are enjoying his late aunt's $827,000. Jamie's renting limos and buying sunglasses and Nidia has a new genuine imitation mock mink fur coat. That's one happy couple.
Another potential couple is The Undertaker and Orlando Jordan. 'Taker seems ready to take him under his wing the way he did with Nathan Jones a few months ago. He gives him a pep talk on respect. But there is another veteran with his eyes on the youngster. John Cena takes the 'Taker to task for dropping him when he was a rookie and warns him to stay out of his way. The grizzled veteran puts things quite succinctly, "everybody gotta learn the hard way."
Next is a couple that isn't fooling anybody. The narcissistic Assman gimmick doesn't really work for a face Billy Gunn but WWE is determined to ram it down our throats anyway when it makes infinitely more sense to turn the guy heel and ship him off to Raw where he's natural fit for Evolution. In 2003, a face assman is only slightly less gay than Rico's new gimmick while a heel assman could be modern day Brutus Beefcake. But nevertheless, he's here and he's in the U.S. Championship title tournament against John Cena. Cena lashes out at 'Taker freestyle-style and tells Billy the truth about the gayness of his gimmick.
John Cena is a very large part of WWE's future and would benefit greatly from a run with the new U.S. Title. So naturally he doesn't stand a chance. Still, the crowd encourages the young Vanilla Ice wannabe who slowly begins to take over, using basic thugonomics to take over the match. He uses a move that Michael Cole calls the "Throwback" which is strange since it involves throwing his opponent to the front. He goes for the chain but The Undertaker rides out on his bike. This provides enough distraction for Billy Gunn pick up the win with a small package. He advances (hopefully for the last time) in the tournament and Cena seems destined for a different type of coupling -- as 'Takers "bitch" at Vengeance, the first Smackdown only PPV. I know that it's supposed to be considered an honor to job to The Undertaker -- in the long term -- but in the short term it tends to retard a young wrestler's progress just like all high-profile jobs do. So while John Cena's place on the next PPV seems assured, so does his place on the mid-card.
Backstage, Brock is enjoying his little practical joke on Kurt way too much. Kurt is bothered by Brock's competitive streak and challenges him to do a hundred pushups. Brock scoffs at the thought and Kurt ups the ante to three hundred. The same company that gave us Katie Vick is now giving us clean wholesome fun for the whole family and doing a very nice job of it. As he approaches three hundred pushups, Brock is getting tired. Kurt eggs him on and inspires him to do three hundred and one pushups. It's Kurt's turn now. The three time WWE champ shouts, "You win!" and laughs at the exhausted youngster.
The Best Damn Tag Team Period gets yet another shot at the tag team title. The Guerreros come out in yet another lowrider, a sweet black pickup. The crazy couple of Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri have really grown. Another sensational match from these two teams. Prop comedy by Eddie who uses the tag rope to show the referee that TBDTTP are up to their old tricks of trying to switch places without tagging each other. Tazz makes an reference to an obscure Clint Eastwood movie. (Every Which Way But Loose, perhaps the worst movie ever made in which an orangutan co-starred with a future mayor of Carmel California.)
A lot of great back and forth action culminating in a sick bump with Tajiri going over the top rope and landing on the lowrider. Eddie is shocked at the development and Charlie Haas takes advantage to pin Eddie. Michael Cole thinks that Eddie is concerned about his partner Tajiri but me thinks I smell a mulleted (Eddie's hair has been growing longer lately, perhaps the mullet will return soon) rat. Sure enough, after the break, Eddie screams, "my car!" and tosses Tajiri off the hood of the lowrider. Unhappy about the scuff marks on his car, Eddie makes the sensible move of slamming Tajiri through the windshield?
A quick recap of the Mr. America saga.
Wheel of Morality turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson we should learn. And the moral of this story is: it's OK to lie, cheat, and steal but throwing your partner through a windshield is bad, bad, bad. As one couple collapses in spectacular fashion, I smell a PPV match. I'm surprised they didn't wait until Chavo was ready to return to action but this is a an exciting development.
While Zach Gowan stretches, The Big Show uses a unique method of intimidation -- he shows off his math skills.
Orlando Jones prepares for action against A-Train. The sign of the night proclaims the hairy-backed Bostonian as the "Furtrain." As with their Velocity match from a couple of weeks ago, it's a good, solid match with the furtrain eventually overwhelming the rookie -- but not before Jones manages to kick out of the Derailer.
Stephanie looks quite fetching in her wrestling gear. With her The Big Show uses the more traditional intimidation method of being big, creepy, and scary.
Tonight's Wrestlemania Recall goes back to Wrestlemania III where Alice Cooper and Jake, the Snake Roberts use Damian the snake on Jimmy Hart and the Honky Tonk Man.
In a night where couples are first and foremost, Vince comes out with Sable on his arm. He announces that he has finally sealed Mr. America's fate. Revealing never before seen footage (never before seen by anyone who lacks an Internet connection anyway) of Mr. America revealing himself as Hulk Hogan at last week's Smackdown in Madison Square Garden. By furnishing Mr. MacMahon with proof that they are one and the same, Mr. America/Hogan's contract is now null and void, allowing MacMahon to fire him. So ends the saga of Mr. America, a little underwhelming perhaps but considering Hogan's current status with WWE is out throwing yet another tantrum because he doesn't like way he's being used, I'm willing to accept it. The angle was dragging too long anyway.
Vince continues to talk about Zach Gowan but time is not on his side. Only sixteen minutes remain and there's a match to get to. Kudos for the Smackdown writing team for scheduling Mr. MacMahon's promo for such a late hour. Vince announces that Brock's title defense against Kurt Angle is now a three way dance with The Big Show turning that twosome into a threesome. Since Show never really got a complete match against Lesnar, this was expected but having MacMahon use it as motivation for The Big Show was a nice touch. Vince makes tonight's match a no holds barred, no disqualification match, cementing his reputation as his own worst enemy. After all what could go wrong in a no holds barred match?
With Eddie and Tajiri having just broken up spectacularly Stephanie MacMahon and Zach Gowan have to be the oddest couple in WWE. We finally get to their, a handicap match against The Big Show. With only eight minutes allocated to it, the match will indeed be brief. Vince really likes Stephanie's entrance music. And he's so cocky, he's allowed his staff to prepare entrance music for Zach.
Show quickly throws the two into disarray and Zach loses his artificial leg. But Zach keeps on coming, using one-legged dropkicks to do absolutely nothing to the seven foot monster. Stephanie's attempts at offense are even more feeble. Show chokeslams Zach. Stephanie slaps Vince. Vince orders Show to chokeslam Stephanie. Kurt Angle stops Show and puts him in an anklelock. Vince hits Kurt with a chair. Brock Lesnar runs in (fashion note to Brock: take a cue from your buddy Kurt and wear more long pants, while you generally look fine in your regular skimpy wrestling trunks, the baggy black shorts your wore into the ring this time make your legs look skinny and pale) and dodges Vince's chair. He's about to F5 him when Show gives him "the big boot." Show picks up the chair only to have Zach give him a one-legged Vandaminator (well, not quite but it was close). Kurt follows up with the angleslam and Lesnar F5s him into unconsciousness. Zach gives MacMahon a one-legged dropkick and does a one-legged moonsault on The Big Show. He picks up the win and gets WWE contract.
It an unwritten rule that whenever WWE pushes The Big show as a
monster, it's purpose is to job eventually him out. This pattern held
true but at least they showed that it takes an enormous amount of
firepower to take him out.
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