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I Fucking Hate the York Fair.

Every year, southern Pennsylvanians are subjected to the worst 10 days of hell imaginable: Reithoffer Shows comes to town and takes over the York Fairgrounds causing the catastrophic annual event of dirt, horrible service, corn dogs, freak shows, freaks who run the games, and many other nuggets of unhappiness that are sure to make you nauseous.

So what can you look forward to on a day at the fair? Well first, don't plan on getting there very quickly, the thousands of other assholes have already beat you there, and you'll be sitting in traffic for a good 20 minutes before a fat man in suspenders with a flag waves you to your parking spot, which is usually surrounded by mud caused by the miserable York weather from the night before.

The first thing you'll notice when you exit your vehicle is the unmistakable stench of shit, hay, farm animals, puke, sweat, and funnel cakes. All of these, by the way, can be found in the same radius.

Since your day is already off to a spectacular start, you might as well get your stomach ready for the punishment to come through the rest of the day by chowing down on some grease on a paper plate (known here as "Funnel Cakes") and a watered down Coke in a paper cup (refreshing). If that's not enough for you, there's another funnel cake stand 5 feet from your current position, and the one next to that is bound to have some corn dogs or some hogmaw-on-a-stick.

Wholesome York Fair cuisine.

There's a million ways to waste money at the York Fair. There are over a 100 "game" stands all around the area, but don't be fooled: there are only 4 different types of games here: Throw the ball in a container, get a ring around something, shoot water in the hole to make your character move across the track, and throw darts at balloons to win a framed picture of a rapper who was famous in 1997. The prizes also suck ass as you can see. At most stands you'll find a horribly generic looking version of a South Park character, Spongebob Squarepants, or an icon from any pop culture TV show that is popular this year. Not that you'd want to play any of the games, anyway. After the third disgusting carnie with 4 teeth hits on your girlfriend you'll be ready to invent your own game involving carnies and a shotgun.

Little Suzie gets to choose a souvenir for winning an unchallenging game. Choose well Suzie, they're all knock-offs.

Rides are the other big money waster at the "World's Oldest" headache. It's a wonder these things make any money, it really is. The safety doors don't shut properly, the metal grinds as the rides spin, and there's always some form vandalism done to the inside of every cart, cage, or seat in the whole fucking park. Rides like the zipper permanently have gum stuck to the ceiling of your cages, just so that if you lift off the seat you'll get your hair caught in the spearmint scented wad of disgust. I've seen vomit dripping from seats. Speaking of vomit, that's what these rides are intended for. Every ride at the York Fair goes around in circles 100 times, or flips vertical 37 times, or 46 times, depending on how drunk the operator is. The condition/movements of these monotonous rides along with the mixture of the September heat, greasy food, shitty music, and pig races are enough to make anyone puke.

The exhilarating ride of forty-two 360 degree turns does a number to one's stomach.

Next up is the freak shows. The freak shows, yes the freak shows. Who the hell could forget the freak shows? My personal favorite is the giant rat. After paying an exorbitant fee of $1 you get to go and stare at a large mammal that a couple of poachers picked off a South American island. If this fucking thing was any less of a rodent, LET ALONE a rat, I'd make sure not to spit in the guy's face who I paid the dollar to. Speaking of that asshole, does he get all the money made off of this animal? If so that's one hell of a job: lose your teeth, smell like shit, and yell about your mysterious "rat" that doesn't even have a fucking tail. What else can be found at the freak shows? You'll find: A woman "missing her head" with the poor use of strategically placed mirrors, a "drug addict" who is actually someone with white face paint that kicks a trap door at you when you come in (yawn), and a woman who is half human, half snake. I've seen better freakshows at pre-schools.

Every year the York Fair overpays some washed up musical group to come play at the grand stand. This year we were (dis)graced with Poison, known for their ridiculous looking eighties hair and, well, their ridiculous looking eighties hair (and let me tell you, not much has changed). I'm wondering what we have looking up for us next year. Whitesnake? Genesis? The Spin Doctors? Only time will tell.

Miscellaneous reasons to hate the Fair:

  • Petting zoo (who wants to pet a donkey's fly ridden ass, honestly?)
  • Some guy that makes beaver statues out of wood with a chainsaw
  • Some other guy that makes beaver statues out of ice with a chainsaw
  • Children
  • Carnies
  • Drunk carnies
  • Ghetto white girls with crimped hair, big hoop earrings, golden necklaces with a charm that says their name on it, with a baby.
  • Mullets
  • White kids with bleach blonde hair who wear visors and drive Honda Civics with wings, body kits, and exhaust pipes big enough to fit a bowling ball in.

So there you have it, the reason you're wrong for thinking the fair is great. I've successfully boycotted it for the 3rd year in a row this year and can already say that I feel cleaner every day. Without worrying about getting puked on, being hit on by a fat carnie, getting on rides that successfully killed 2 people in the past 5 years, and eating gallons of grease, I can say that my world is a happier place.