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Where oh where has the funniness gone?

I know it may be hard for some to believe, but Sunday Newspaper Comics aren't funny anymore. I'd say they haven't been since about...1995. I mean really...when's the last time you read something in the comics and actually lost your ass laughing? Not since Calvin and Hobbes and the Far Side left. Nothing has been the same since. Actually I think the day Gary Larson quit penning the Far Side was the first day of the apocalypse. His exit left a blackhole that sucked the funny out of everything else.

Think about it. All of those comics you used to look forward to are just huge disappointments now. Garfield. Garfield. GARFIELD! What in the hell happened to Garfield? When's the last time that sly feline sent Nermal to Abu Dabi? When's the last time he slapped Odie across his stupid face? Has Jon Arbuckle ever been funny?

damn straight

What about "Blondie"? What the hell is Dagwood's problem? Have Dagwood and Blondie ever even had sex? They have kids and all, but everytime she's around he's either making a sandwich or sleeping on the couch. What a fucking deadbeat. If I were Blondie, Dagwood would be out on his ass. And judging by his wortk ethics, he already should be out on his ass. He's always late for his carpool with his unfunny coworkers, and his boss is always running after him for something, and usually walks in on him sleeping in his office. Does he ever stop fucking sleeping? What's his salary for sleeping at his job? And what the hell is up with the antennae on his head? I used to have faith in Blondie, but Dagwood pisses me off so much that I just can't get into it anymore. Sigh.

While the classics are getting less funny, there's still that second and third page where the rejects go. Yeah, you know who you are: Family Circus, Andy Capp, Hagar the Horrible. When you open to this page there are three things that you can expect. These three things are as follows:

  • The Family Circus: Jeffy will leave a path around his yard where he did unfunny things. This is the cheapshot that makes people like Grandmas think the comic is funny and/or cute. If this somehow doesn't occur in the current episode, then surredly it will end with the one kid hugging his mom with a ray of light behind them. Puke.
  • Andy Capp: Andy Capp will get drunk. Then he will walk by the permanent second-frame which is the city at night, where the big city clock is to the left and his home to the right. Next he'll walk into his house and his fat, unattractive wife yells at him about coming home late and drunk. Then, the grand finale, the last frame is of him on the street saying something about as funny as what you just read in the Family Circus.
  • Hagar the Horrible: Hagar stands ready for battle and the skinny guy with a funnel on his head begs him to retreat. More often than not, an arrow will land in Hagar's shield.

Marmaduke is an okay comic, but they multiply the funniness by 0 every week, when they add a "Dog Gone Funny!"...or should I say "Dog-Un Funny." In every Dog-Un Funny, Janie's poodle Fifi from Atlanta, Georgia has a very unimportant "talent" where she brings Janie her slippers! WHO FUCKING CARES? Every single one of those damn things includes an obnoxious little dog that brings his/her asshole of an owner the newspaper, or their slippers, or their breakfast. It's never funny, it's never cute, it's just monotonous. It makes me want to shit.

Something needs to be done about the condition of comics these days. We need a new hero to hit the Comics every Sunday! That's right, it looks like I'm just the man for the job. Sundays could really use my comic genius. Observe:

        

the renaissance of funny comics has begun.