The Lord of the Rings Movie - or Not

~ In the House of Tom Bombadil ~
book I, chapter 7

(Idril)

<Scene: Tom's pad>

(MEDICRN18)

[all enter Tom's house and see Goldberry lolling on couch eating bonbons, in curlers and bathrobe.]

Tom: Hey Goldberry I'm back and I've brought visitors!

Goldberry: Eeeek! Tom how many times have I told you not to surprise me with unexpected guests!? Now you just hustle them right back out until I can get into my fair lady Goldberry Daughter of the River get up!

[pushes astonished hobbits and sheepish Tom out door and commences quick change.]

(FrodoPippinSam)

Merry: [whispering] I don't mean to be disrespectful but don't you think it's a little bright in here, guys?

Sam: No kidding, I can barely keep my eyes open. But I better 'cause if that barmaids here...

Frodo: Not now Sam! and it's probably not as bright as you think, our eyes just need to adjust.

Pip: My eyes will adjust when food's set before me, I'm hungry.

Sam: [to Frodo] He was almost eaten by a tree and yet he's still hungry.

Frodo: That's Pippin. No wonder his mom used to say that Pippin could never fake being sick....

Merry: Mr. Bombadil, it's quite a nice home you have here...

TB: Why thank you my small friend.

Goldberry: Come in, good guests. 

[hobbits stand there dumbfounded.]

Goldberry: Don't be shy, come on! [takes Frodo by the hand] Laugh and be merry. I am Goldberry, Daughter of the River.

Pippin: [whispering] I didn't know rivers gave birth. 

[Merry nudges him in the stomach.]

Goldberry: Away with the night, let us do away with it. Do you still fear the mist and tree-shadows and deep water, untamed things? Fear not! For tonight you shall stay in the home of Tom Bombadil.

Frodo: [after a pause] Fair lady Goldberry! Now the joy that was hidden in the songs we heard is clear and plain to me.

Goldberry: Welcome! This is a merry meeting! Come, sit and wait for the master of the house. He will not be long.

(Silarien)

TB:
Hey dol! Merry doll! Pippin doll and Samwise!
Frodo doll! Goldberry's mine! keep off your blue eyes!
Table's laid! Grubs up! Hobbit's time for scoffin'!
Football's on the TV! Tom must be a'watching!!!

(dyanstar)

[they all sit down to eat. Sam sits quite close to Frodo in a very protective manner.]

Frodo: For crying out loud! Sam! We are safe now, you can give me some breathing room.

Sam: I saw the way Goldberry took your hand and I am no fool. I will stick this close to you 'til the quest ends and protect you from the barmaid who is STILL following you and all other woman who seem to not be able to keep their hands off of you. It's for your own safety you know.

[Frodo shakes head but refrains from saying anything.]

(Silarien)

TB:
Team lost! very not! merry not! to Man.U!
Goldberry! put Frodo down! Samwise will kill you!
Time for bed! them to theirs! us two to our own!
Got to tell you Ref stank! Worst match that I've known!

(dyanstar)

[Sam is turning bright red and swinging two cooking pots in menacing manner.]

Sam: You think I'm unarmed!? I got me pots!! You want some of this?!

Goldberry: Gee, sorry, sometimes a girl just can't help herself.

(MEDICRN18)

[next morning hobbits awaken and chat about night's sleep.]

Merry: How'd you sleep Pip?

Pippin: Not so good. Dreamed I was giving a tree bad case of indigestion. Now I find I've got indigestion. Did you pack the Tums? How was yours?

Merry: Not too great either. Too much water around or something. Frodo?

Frodo: Nah. Bad dream plus Sam kept jabbing me in the ribs since he insisted on sleeping right next to me to ensure "Goldberry didn't try anything with Mr. Frodo!"

Sam: Why I had a fine night's sleep!

(Ekla Reuel)

[hobbits all are awoken by furious shouting downstairs.]

Tom: Hey doll! Merry doll....

Goldberry: Shuuuut uuup! How many times do I have to tell you - on a Sunday morning I LIKE a lie-in!!! Jeeez! You'd think after all this time it might have sunk in!!! [under breath] MEN!

Annoying Narrator: "Tom continues with his tuneless whistling while Goldberry gets together the weeks laundry. She till looks furious, as Tom has mixed up the dark and light washing into one big bag - and it stinks!!!"

Goldberry: Tom, I'm off now to do the washing. Do you think you could manage to look after the guests while I'm away?? Go and see if they're awake yet?? If not, get them up, I want them out before I get home to start the ironing!!

Tom: 
Hey doll, merry doll, will do as you say,
Hey doll merry doll, will get the hobbits away.
Of sun, stars, moon and mist, I'm over the footy game,
It's a shame the opposition won, but it won't make me wane!!!

[Goldberry glares at Tom.....he stops singing. Tom goes up to wake the Hobbits.]

<Scene: the laundrette>

[Goldberry has loaded up the washing machine and sits, fag in hand and mug of coffee in the other, watching Toms not so small, smalls going around. she chats to the three other River Daughters there, on the general bitching topic of why they get to do the washing and how the men, always get out of doing it every weekend!!!]

<Scene: the house of Tom Bombadil>

[Tom is creeping around the guest room ready to open the curtains.....]

(dyanstar)

[Sam jumps on the dark shape sneaking around in the room and starts hitting the shape with one of his pots.]

Sam: I got you!! Goldberry, thought to get my Frodo. Thought we were all sleeping did ya?!

[the curtain falls to the ground in the scuffle and Tom Bombadil is revealed in the morning light with a lump beginning to form on his brow.]

Frodo: Sam!!!! Get a hold of yourself!

(Ekla Reuel)

Annoying Narrator: "After a while at the laundrette, Goldberry realises that Tom is actually a great chap, and that the other River Girls had much worse men than her. She suddenly feels very guilty about how she acted towards her Tommy B. She quickly gathers the Autumn washing and begins to head home, towards the Withywindle. Decides to drop the ironing off at her mothers on route and collects a candle to light her path homewards, as day is still rather overcast at present. To make it up to Tom, she begins to plan a small celebration in her mind for him and their guests....those cute little hobbits!!"

(Thranduilion)

<Scene: Meanwhile, in Northern Mirkwood . . .>

Legolas: What's that, Gollum? You want to go climb your tree again. Right. What is it with you and trees, anyway? Well, I guess no harm can come of it. Just don't get into any trouble, you hear me? Gollum? Gollum! Oh, bollocks. Galdir and Hallas, go watch him, will you? I don't know WHAT my father will say! *brood, brood*

[suddenly the shrieking cries of a small army of orcs are heard through the trees.]

Legolas and the Elves of Mirkwood: *twang**thwack* *pffftpfffft* Aiyeee!!!!!

Orcs: Argh!! [bleed. bleed. die. die.]

Annoying Narrator: "After an hour or so, the orcs are beaten off."

Legolas: Gollum? Hey, Smeagol, the orcs are gone, you can come out of your tree now! Smeagol! Hey, Mr. Smeagol! Galdir, Hallas, where have you gotten to? Gollum, you twerp, what's the matter with you?!!!

[silence.]

Legolas: Oh, sh*t.

<Scene: the house of Tom Bombadil>

(dyanstar)

[back in the room where the hobbits slept, just after Sam had smacked Bombadil on the head with a pan, mistaking him for Goldberry.]

Sam: I'm terribly sorry sir, you see I thought you were Goldberry coming after my Frodo.

[Sam looks completely abashed, while the other hobbits, especially Frodo look deeply embarrassed.]

Tom: Hey ho, that's alright my merry friends. But, I should warn you, if you had smacked my Goldberry on the head with one of your pots, I'd a fed you to Old Man Willow.

Sam: Gulp!

[the group went to have their breakfast, Tom leading them with a merry song.]

(FrodoPippinSam)

[Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin follow Tom B. into the kitchen.]

Frodo: [whispering] Sam, Goldberry isn't going to do anything, and at some point in time I'm going to need time to breathe!

Sam: Yes, yes, of course, but not while that Golden lady is about.

Frodo: Goldberry isn't that bad, she's rather sweet.

Sam: Mr. Frodo! Don't fall victim to her deadly charm. Oh no! Is it affecting you? Maybe we should leave for your own good.

Frodo: Sam! You mustn't watch me every moment. A guy needs a little time to himself if you catch my meaning.

Sam: Yes, well, Mr. Frodo, you'll get your precious time to yourself when we leave [under his breath] and when I know that barmaid's gone for good.

Frodo: [catching what he said] THE BARMAID ISN'T FOLLOWING US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sam: No need to yell, and I know she's not following us.

Frodo: Good, then why do you keep--

Sam: She's following you.

Frodo: [shaking his head] I can't wait to get to Rivendell.

(Idril)

<Scene: Tom and the hobbits sitting before a fire>

Tom: Yada yada yada yada yada yada yada bees yada yada yada yada yada yada yada brambles yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada Old Man Willow yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada strange yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada breaking
yada yada yada yada yada yada yada
yada yada yada yada yada river yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada Barrows yada yada yada yada yada yada yada Sheep yada yada yada yada yada Kings yada yada battles yada yada yada yada yada yada yada Gold yada yada yada buried yada yada yada wights yada yada yada starlight yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada.

Oh and by the way I'm the older than anybody, no matter what that pretender Treebeard says.

Time for supper!

(merithehobbit)

Pippin: Wow, I can't believe it is supper time already.. That means we totally missed second breakfast, elevensies, lunch, tea... I am starving!

Goldberry: Here you go [mutters] little pigs!

Merry: [munch, munch]

Sam: [chew, chew]

Frodo: [gulp, swallow, chomp...]

Pippin: [gorge, swig, lick..]

Tom: My, you were a hungry bunch...

[dinner is over and they settle down to talk again.]

Tom: Yada yada yada yada....

[suddenly turns into inquisitor extraordinaire.]

So Frodo, tell me the whole story - Bilbo, the Ring, your secrets, the barmaid....

Frodo: [spills his guts] Well, So Bilbo has this ring, it makes you invisible, and then he left it to me... yada, yada, yada.. but about the barmaid... well Sam thinks there isn't anything going on, but really... [looks at Sam] well, I can't say anything just now.

Tom: [smiles knowingly] Ah, yes, can I see this Preciousssssss ring..

Merry: [to Pippin] Do you think he had too much to drink? He is slurring.

Pippin: Burp! Probably. I SHURrrrr did! Heh, Heh!

[Tom looks at ring and laughs... even puts it on his finger.]

[Frodo looks amazed... he didn't disappear...hmmm maybe it is that stunt double?]

[Tom hands it back and Frodo looks for "Made in Taiwan", but it isn't there. he decides to check it out, just in case.]

Merry: Whooa.... where's Frodo?

Pippin: [spits bread crumbs and ale all over the table] He vanished!

Goldberry: Sheesh... do you think you could keep your mouth shut while eating, little man? 

[wipes up mess.]

Tom: Hey Frodo! Take off your silly ring. I don't want you sneaking around the house unseen... uh, I mean, we need to talk some more.

[Frodo takes off ring pleased with himself. there were no scary bad guys when he did that. so he felt quite safe!]

Tom: Oh, there you are, um, I think you guys can take off tomorrow... yada, yada, yada...

(Idril)

Ring: What did you give me to *him* for? Sheesh!

Frodo: Oh sorry... couldn't help it.

Ring: Hey everybody! Cheap slutty gold ring here, line up to try me on!

Frodo: I said I couldn't help it! He had me mesmerized with all that yada yada stuff.

Ring: Well I didn't like it one little bit. He's creepy and he didn't disappear.

Frodo: So you're calling people creepy now, that's a laugh.

Ring: Well... you know what I mean.

Frodo: Hmmph. Goodnight Sauron.

Ring: Stop calling me that!

(RUSSELLBor)

Tom: All right everyone, time to go to sleep so Goldberry and I can fool around.

Sam: Any sign of a B....

Frodo: SAM!

Sam:. . .lack Rider?

Tom: Nope. Everything is cool and fruity. Especially you Sam. [winks] Maybe after all this is over. . .

Frodo: Um, I think we had better be going now.

Tom: Okey-dokey. One more thing, when you leave in the morning, Be careful, and whatever you do, DO NOT GO NEAR THE BARROWS!!!! But if you do find yourself in need of help, or if Pippin runs out of food, just yell: 'Tom! Help us now!' And I'll come a-running.

Frodo: Well, okay, but wouldn't it be much more fun and charming if we had a ridiculously long poem to shout instead?

Tom: 
If you want, you can sing:
NFL, XFL, drink sasparillo
Juan Valdez, Gore for Prez,
Help us Bombadillo!

Ring-a-ding, the plays the thing,
By tooth and fang and arrow,
Charlie Sheen is really keen,
Save us from the Barrow!

Now good night!

(Idril)

Ring: Frodo?

Frodo: What?

Ring: I'm sorry about being snappish earlier.

Frodo: Forget about it.

Ring: Especially since it was a special night.

Frodo: Special night? What are you talking about?

Ring: [coyly] Our first time... you know, the first time you put me on.

Frodo: What? Oh please!

Ring: Was it good for you?

Frodo: Ick! Shut up?

Sam: What's wrong?

Frodo: Stupid creepy ring.

Ring: Hmmph! I try to make your first time really special and what do I get? Insults!

Sam: Well if it tries anything, I'll kill it.

Ring: Well you can't so there!

Frodo: I don't think you can, Sam. 

[SIGH.]

---

On to Chapter 8!