Red Tears...Secret Victims

Hey there. I'm Jess. My site is about getting to know new people, so here is a little about me.

I am 14, with two sister and a brother. They all have autism. Don't expect me to explian what this is, (I am not entirley sure!) but I'm am sure wikipedia.com will!

Even from a child I was 'the special one'. The one that would turn out perfect. I was intelligant and my family was still together. I can hardley remember what it was like being as happy as I was...

Then my Nana died. It wasn't her fault, but if she hadn;t i wouldn't be where I am today.

Mum went straight into a darkest and deepest fucking depression known to man. She didn't give a shit what happened us. So at ten I was mothering three children with learning disabilities... one jut a baby.

I hear you ask 'Where was the dad?'
He was there alright. Pandering to all mums needs. He only ever realised reality when it was pointed out to him, and I was to scared to do that.

It was in these years that I first self harmed. Nothing like what it is today, but just pins pushed into my arms or whatever.

Any way, mum sorta started to recover (she wouldn't see a doctor though, and still denies it was depression to this day) Then of course it was dads turn.

The long and the short of it is we are pretty much back to where I started, mums got depression again, Dads recovering from it (he's got pills) The difference is they aren't together any more. Nothing happened, except mum couldn't cope with dads issues, even though he had dealt with hers for years.

Dad now sleeps on an office floor and has thousands of £ worth of debt, while my mum is only conserned whether or not I can baby sit for her. I have to take care of the kids once again, and though they are older, there don't want to listen to what I say. School is a load of shit. I was a straight A student, now i can barely scrape a C.

I smoked and drank heavily... and you tell me that I have no reason to cut?

Since i began cutting on a regular basis I have been able to cut down on the smoking and the drinking. My red tears are enough to release thoses feelings that only you will ever understand.