. :Red Mage News: .

Hello, and Welcome to Red Mage News!

Red Mage here, and I'm here today with Dartichili, the fabled Taco Mage^^

Thank you for being with us, Dartichili.

Happy to be here.

Let's get started

Q. Why the heck do you like spicy things?
A. Why...you know how variety is the spice of life? Well, SPICE is the VARIETY of life! I think. Eh, spices are yummy, that's good enough, right?

Q. How did you become a Taco Mage?
A. It was a calling. Not over a phone or anything. Do they have phones? I think so, I know one toaster doubles as an answering machine...anyway. I was hungry one day, and I found a shrine of the Temple of the Taco nearby, so...I had a taco. BEST. FOOD. EVER. It was, like, divine inspiration. So I asked about how they do that, and...well...here I am!

Q. Do you have any friends?
A. Well, there's that toaster, Toaster. Other than that, there's a few people here and there. Falchionbell over at the Temple is quite a nice person, if she doesn't talk your ear off...or write it off. LOVES writing. Perfect person to draw up those memos....what was I saying? Oh yeah, sorry. Then there's...Lisaron over in...wherever that was...dang it, I'll have to get back to you on that.

Q. Ahem.
A. Eh? Is that a question? No? Then go on.

Q. What's all this about a Tacodoken?
A. What? You've honestly never heard of Tacodoken? I'm surprised...well. By the might of Cheepoetlai, an entire LEGION of ethereal force manfestations in the shape of tacos stream out from my hands, assuming I'm the caster, and smack into the enemies of good and/or spice. Usually both. Very damaging, even weakens their strength and vitality. It's blue, very blue.

Q. Do you have a familiar?
A. No. That's for, how shall we say, more conventional arcane spellcasters. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing inherently wrong with a familiar, I just don't have or want one. I'm kind of afraid I'd zap it by accident <<

Q. That's depressing.
A. Eh, not so much. I understand I have a wider array of spellcasting options because I don't have some of my essence invested in a familiar. Those wizards know TONS about this stuff, ya know.

Q. So does the Temple of the Taco have a bible or something of the sort?
A. Nothing so formally arranged as that. The Great Pepper speaks to us. Sometimes directly, sometimes not. Every once in a while I think Falchionbell hears things. Regardless, many of these things get written down, and to date everything Falchionbell has put her pen to has been declared valid by the majority of the order's upper level, and when necessary by an avatar of the Great Pepper. There are collections of these writings, some of which are intact. Others are abbreviated and distributed to the faithful. Those are about the same as a bible, are they not?

Q. What exactly is the Great Pepper?
A. Why...Cheepoetlai, the Great Pepper, is...a great pepper. It's a very long story, but Cheepoetlai was once mortal, a member of one of the sentient species on G'van. The genderless plant creatures eventually defeated an evil dominion on their world with the help of some adventurers who ended up on G'van by accident. Cheepoetlai returned the favor and helped them defeat an evil of their own, and was rewarded with ascension to divinity. Its kin, the dread peppers, still aid us as the allies our clerics summon. Some even live here with us.

Q. So, you still haven't answered my question. Is he literally a great pepper?
A. One, "it". Two, didn't I say the Great Pepper is a great pepper? I don't recall...well. The Great Pepper is a great pepper. Cheepoetlai, like the other dread peppers, is a sentient, mobile plant creature. Cheepoetlai is the only immortal or divine one, though.

Q. What is it like, being a Taco Mage? Living that way, I mean.
A. Well, it's rather odd in many ways. You never have any idea what the heck you're going to be doing the next month. You're lucky if you have the next WEEK planned. But on the other hand, the world is full of surprises, some good and some not. But I think the good outnumber the bad, if only because my continuing to be alive must mean I'm halting or impeding the bad ones. Plus, new spices and new ways to make spicy foods is great fun!

Q. How does one go about becoming a Taco Mage?
A. First off, you need to be a follower of Cheepoetlai. It IS a religious role, afterall. Secondly, a fair deal of arcane knowledge is always handy. We don't really teach the beginning of that in the Order. Thirdly, some experience in the clergy is highly useful. It's not mandatory, I myself never had such a role, but knowing the origins and doctrines are required, and that's easiest to learn from being in the clergy. Then you have to request the role, paperwork, yada yada yada. We have to keep track of all these taco magi, you know. And as we go from place to place with little notice, it gets...difficult. I know many people wish I'd just take a nice, decade-long vacation. To them I say, HA!

Q. What's that song you sing while chopping up tomatoes, I heard somewhere?
A. Oh that? I made it up. Nothing significant, though it IS kinda catchy if I do say so myself. Taco taco taco taco yada yada yada yada....

Q. Do you know where the nearest Temple of the Taco is?
A. ...look around you, silly. I must be contagious....

Q. Are most taco magi as absentminded as you are?
A. Huh? Oh. No. I'm..."special", I'm told. What was I saying?

Q. What was your life like before you became a taco mage?
A. ...wow. It's been a while. I bet it was dull and nonspicy, though. Well, I was born to a pepper farmer family. No, not Peter Piper, quit that. That is SO old. Anyway, it's kind of a dirty job. Peppers grow in the ground, ya know. Some of them anyway. Like the kind we farmed. And there's dirt in the ground. Where was I? Oh yeah....Naturally I buy all the peppers I can from them these days. Hi Mom!

Q. You haven't really answered my question. All I got was that it had something to do with farming peppers.
A. Look. I was, what, 16 when I started down this path? Now consider how absentminded I am NOW. What do you think my childhood was like, hmm? I remember my uncle's...cousin's...sister...teaching me a bit about wizardry. Then it turned out I was good at the stuff! And...I forget the rest. I'll have to get back to you on that, too.

Q. OK, so how old are you now?
A. 23. It's been a spicy seven years, I assure you.

Q. That's kinda sad.
A. Is that a question? Is this some of that new-fangled jargon talk? I keep hearing that kids these days don't know how to speak right...is it a rumor?

Q. I'm 16, sir.
A. Then why're you talking all weird-like? You're confusing me. MORE THEN USUAL.

Q. I think that's all we have for you today.
A. Oh, that's why I'm asking the questions now? Gotcha. Well, have you some of these tacos before you go. They're extra yummy, fresh lettuce today!

Well, those tacos are surely calling my name!! <RED MAGE!! RED MAGE!!>

....Right.

This is Red Mage, signing off, come have a taco!!!

Hello, and welcome to Red Mage News.

Red Mage here, and I'm here today with Captain Obvious.
Thank you for being here, sir.
Now let's start with the questions!!

Q: What is your official name?
A: Isn't it Obvious...?

Q: ...This is going to be interesting. I can tell O_o
A: Is that a question?!

Q: ..I suppose not.
A: AH-Ha!! That wasn't nearly that obvious!!

Q: Let's move on.
A: Well, you best move on then, Lassie!!

Q: ...Lassie?
A: Don't ya like dogs?! Don't tell me you're THAT young!

Q: ...
A: eh?!

Q: What's it like to always point out the obvious without being able to help it?
A: Without being able to help it?! Just because I say it all the time doesn't mean I can't help it does it?! DOES IT?!
<YOU HAVE A KEYBOARD IN FRONT OF YOU, INTERVIEWER!!!!!!!!!!>

Q: ...And now we see why Captain Obvious has very few friends in the industry.
A: <THERE'S AN INDUSTRY I'M IN, INTERVIEWER!!!!>
  Now look! LOOK THERE, INTERVIEWER!!!
  THE SPACE COMMERCE INDUSTRY IS FULL OF PEOPLE WHO CANNOT SEE THE OBVIOUS!!
  PEOPLE WHO LOOK AT THEIR CUP AND SAY "TH3R3 1S M0LD 1N 1T!! 0H N03S!!! MUSHR00MS R T4K1NG   0V3R T3H W0RLD!!!"
  NO, YOU ARE LAZY AND LET THINGS GROW IN YOUR CUP!  <THEY ARE LAZY, INTERVIEWER!>

Q: ..Oh my.
A: YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!

Q: Apparently not.
A: THAT IS WHY I SAID THAT, INTERVIEWER!!

Q: ..My name is Red Mage.
A: <YOUR NAME IS RED MAGE, INTERVIEWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>

Q: Um. Captain Obvious, do you  have a history of mental illness?
A: Why No!! GOOD HEAVENS, CHILD, WHAT WOULD GIVE YOU SUCH A NOTION!!

Q: ...I have NO idea.
A: <YOU HAVE NO IDEA, INTERVIEWER RED MAGE!!!!!!!!!!!>

Q: ...mommy.
A: Your mommy?! Where is your mommy?! Who is your mommy?? >>

Q: ...Yes, my mother. She's in Bend. Her name is Cindy.
A: >>;; <HER NAME IS CINDY, INTERVIEWER RED MAGE!!!!!!!>

Q: ..I think that's enough for now.
A: <YOU THINK THAT'S ENOUGH FOR NOW, INTERVIEWER RED MAGE!!!!!!!!!!!>

Q: ...Yes. Quite. um. I have just one more question, though.
A: <YOU HAVE ONE MORE QUESTION, INTERVIEWER RED MAGE?!?!?!?>

Q; ..yes. How does your partner, Commander Oblivious, PUT UP WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!
A: It's more a matter of her survival, really.
   <DO NOT ACTIVATE THE EXPLOSIVES, COMMANDER!!!!!!!!!> 
   {BOOM}

I must go!!

And that, was the strangest...interview..I have ever...gotten to be a part of.
..yes, out of 2.
Well..This is a very tired and stressed Red Mage signing off...
Q: WHERE'S THE TYLENOL?!
A: <IN THE CABINET, INTERVIEWER RED MAGE!>
Q: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

{the end}

It was a daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark and stormy----
*brother complains*
Yes, AGAIN!!
Do you know why this is such a dark and stormy world, Audience??

BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY DARK AND STORMY NIGHTS, RED MAGE!!

That's right.....Captain...Obvious....
Wait a second!! What are you still doing here?!

I LIVE HERE, MAGE WEARING RED!!!!!!!!!! NICE MICKEY PAJAMAS, RED MAGE!! YOU ARE WEARING PLAID, RED MAGE!

....Oh. Right.
Are you SURE you're not stalking me?

YOU ARE STALKING ME, RED MAGE!!
YOU ARE ON MY SHIP!!
What ship?!

YOU ARE ON A SHIP, RED MAGE!!

What d'you mean, I'm on a ship?! I'M IN MY OFFICE!!

YOUR OFFICE IS ON MY SHIP, RED MAGE!!!!!
...What?!

WHY IS YOUR OFFICE ON MY SHIP, RED MAGE?!?!?!1

How should I know?!

YOU NEED A BETTER TRAVEL AGENT, RED MAGE!!

YOU NEED A BETTER REAL ESTATE AGENT, RED MAGE!!

...I need a better LIFE, that's what.

YOU NEED A BETTER LIFE, RED MAGE!!

Aggggh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COMMANDER!! HOW IS THERE AN OFFICE ON MY SHIP?!
DID YOU DESTROY YOUR QUARTERS AGAIN?
Huh?

I SAID!! HOW IS THERE AN OFFICE ON MY SHIP?!

Huh? I was completely Oblivious.

What are you BOTH doing in my office?!

HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU WERE COMPLETELY IGNORING THE CONVERSATION, RED MAGE!!
QUIT TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE COMMANDER'S JOB!!
LET ME ASK YOU THIS, DO YOU DRINK COFFEE????

....I drink tea.

LET US OBSERVE! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 UNITS OF COFFEE!!
HOW CAN THIS BE YOUR OFFICE IF YOU DON'T DRINK COFFEE  YET THERE IS MUCH ABOUT?!
WHAT IS YOUR CAFFEINATION SITUATION EXPLANATION, RED MAGE?!?!?!?!

Alright, that does it!! BOTH of you. OUT. NOW.


{Captain Obvious begins singing as the airlock closes}
*sigh*
Now, back to my...
    Oh, forget it.
This is Red Mage, si----
{over the radio}
 HERE WE GO JETTISONING YOUR OFFICE INTO SPACE, WE HOPE IT'LL BE VERY SILENT SO YOU CAN SET YOUR PACE,
AND AS YOUR LAST RESORT, JUST REFILL YOUR LIFE SUPPORT!!
..Oh. My. God.
THEY'VE JETTISONED ME INTO SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!

THERE IS A PLANET NEARBY, RED MAGE!! PERHAPS YOU CAN DOCK AT THE SPACE STATION THERE!!

There isn't one!!!!!!!

PERHAPS YOU ARE BLIND, RED MAGE!!

...OR PERHAPS THERE IS NO NAVIGATION EQUIPMENT IN YOUR OFFICE.
WE'LL SEND YOU AN OFFICE SPACE SHIP!! $9.99 FOR THE REST OF YOUR NATURAL LIFE, RED MAGE!! XD
*turns off radio*
Oh...My..God.
HOw...does..Commander Oblivious...put up..with him...
This is Red Mage signing off....

OMG I'M GOING TO CRASH!!!!!!

{end transmission}

Hello and welcome to Red Mage News!
Today we have with us Ita the Reckless, Goddess of Chaos, of Arda!
Thank you for being with us today. Let’s get started.
A: Glad to be here, RM. But I might be lying ;)

Q:...That’s entirely possible. How did you get to be Goddess of Chaos, Ita?
A: Well, since chaos has existed since the dawn of the universe and beyond, I'm not sure exactly how I went about actually BECOMING what I am.

Q: Alright then, how did you come to Arda?
A: The other deities of Arda (the little continuity I'm apart of, for people who don't know) didn't want me to come to Arda, but they figured that if they didn't let me I'd most likely blow them to pieces. Which I'm VERY capable of doing. ...in theory.

Q:..In theory?
A: These days, Chaos isn't the most...powerful of Arda's pantheon. The other gods would laugh at me! It was horrible! AND LOTHLOMENDIL, THE GODDESS OF LIFE, WOULD THROW ME IN TRASHCANS! *runs around frantically crying*

Q:...er...<< >>...There...There? *hands Ita a tissue*
A:A: WHY OH WHY DID THEY TORTURE ME SO!?!? I'm going to set them all ON FIRE!!! Mweeeheeheeheehee!!

Q:..Well THAT was a sudden change of mood. O_o By this we know that Ita is definitely female.
A: Definitely.

Q: I assume that like most other Gods/Goddesses, you have minions?
A: Eeeeevil minions.

Q:Where do they come from? How do they become your minions? Are they born that way? O_o
A: I may not be the most powerful deity in the barrel, but I can create minions with but a whim! Most of the time I create them myself, but there are some that just walk over to me and ask if they can serve me in chaotic...well...evilness.

Q: Then you ARE evil? Do you have a Master, Ita?
 A: I work for Raku, the God of Darkness. Haven't seen him lately, though. But yeah, he's the source of all evil and corruption in Arda. Except me. I’m naturally chaotic :3

Q:...okay... Lady Ita how did you choose the Children of Chaos as your coven guild?
 A: Not only were they the only guild that followed chaos, they showed great potential. And now they are the most nefarious guild in Arda.

Q: I think that’s all the time we have.
A: Can I eat the audience now?

Q: nooo, Ita. But we DID provide a penful of humans in the back.*points to the back of the studio*

A: YAY!!

Well, this is Red Mage, signing off!!
Have fun, Ita!! WHOA!!!! NOT THE BLOOD!! NOT THE BLOOD!!!!

Hello and welcome to Red Mage news!
Today we have with us Masque and Bandit, two entertaining..Mimes is it?

Bandit: -Bandit nods excitedly before taking a few bows.  He then gestures to his counterpart, Masque-
Masque:-Masque stepsjust behind him seeming a bit shy about being interviewed and waves softly-
Red Mage: I see. This is going to be very interesting indeed.
Bandit:-Bandit silently laughs at the comment, offering his hand to Masque-
Masque: -She takes his hand cautiously looking over at their interviewer before squeezing it tightly as she snuggles close to him.-
Red Mage: hmm...Well, I can really only ask you yes or no questions, so have you been..er...
partners in silence long?
Bandit: -Bandit glances down at her form before back at the interviewer.  He nods exaggeratingly, holding up one finger, then followed by two-
Red Mage: God I wish you two could speak...um...Gah. Three years or am I off?
Bandit: -He shakes his head no before holding up one finger, taking a pause, then the two fingers-
Red Mage: ><
Masque: : Masque looked up at her partner,who was obviously confusing the girl, she held up both hands flashing eight fingers and two thumbs, before holding up two afterwards to signify twelve years-
Red Mage: Ah. Yes, thank you, Masque.
Bandit: -Bandit nods, clearly relieved to have her finally understand-
Red Mage: *laughs* hmm...I still wish you two could speak. um...Did something in particular make you decide to become..mime entertainers?
Masque:-Masque lifted a finger showing she wished to talk befor her mate. She made a motion patting on her thigh softly, a finger pulling at her pocket, before reaching in and pulling it back out. she acted as though she held something within it,but soon revealed that there was nothing.Soon after showing her hand was empty she rubbed two fingers and a thumb together making the gesture for something neede
Red Mage: AH. Thieves are you. A noble profession. I was one myself before turning to journalism. And I STILL don't make any money! ><
Bandit: "It started as a game!" -Bandit spoke out of turn.  It was then he realized what he did and a hand came over his mouth exaggeratedly.  His eyes grew wide at the sound of his own voice.  He grew quite obviously uncomfortable, making sure he avoided Masque's eyes-
Red Mage: *laughs softly* Here we go...
Masque: -She cast her head upwards to look at him her eyes growing quite dark behind her masked face. Lifting a hand she popped him  sorely on the arm,seeming to become quite cross with him. He'd ruined this round.....again. She could never count on him to keep his yap shut..-
Red Mage: *laughs again* Well, since one of you has given up his mimeness for a moment, why can't he tell me what happened? I rather like his voice in fact <<
Bandit: -Nervously glances back and forth, between the two.  He loved being the spotlight...and this interview was just his chance to give the details behind being a mime, but then again... His gaze fell to Masque and the dark eyes in the mask.  He rubbed his sore arm for a moment.  The compliment was all he needed-  Hehe
Red Mage: *laughs yet again* Tell me, Bandit, Although your friend seems quite cross with you at this point, what started your...er..partnership, hmm?
Bandit: -He shrugs slightly-  Well you see...It all started when I was 14 and she was 11.  I found her at a carnival of sorts and she was hungry and so I bought her some food.  We had a game to see who could keep quiet longest and I supp-
Masque: -instantly he found a fish flying into his face as he spoke,cutting him off efficiently. ~You retard! Stop talking!!~She shouted at his mind. -
Red Mage: Masque, that was uncalled for. I asked him to speak. I said this was going to be interesting didn't I? Yes, and it iS!^^ Please continue, Bandit.
Masque: -Her arms folded over her chest as she was spoken to, her head jerking away not sparing a glance at Bandit. He was going to have quite a cold shoulder to thaw out after this.-
Bandit: -he seemed quite nervous... after all, flying fish to the face was not his favorite sensation.  No, most definately not.  He glanced over at Masque for a moment, reaching once more for her hand before he attempted to continue-  Heh. um... Yeah.I...um...suppose....that's how it started?
Red Mage: Then how did thievery get into the picture?
Masque: -She allowed himto grasp his hand,thoughs he offered no warmth behind it just yet. It was a game after all...she couldn't stay mad at him forever.With her free hand she patted her belly before lifting it up to her 'mouth'. For her it was done for survival.-
Red Mage: I see.
Bandit: I'm used to the nicer things in life.  I like to spoil myself and Masque with nice things.  -he nods, tugging at her hand slightly, squeezing it-
Red Mage: hmm...interesting. Have you ever been caught pickpocketing?
Bandit: -He silently laughs out of habit-  I'm not really the pickpocket.  I prefer the attention.  I like to be the center of the spotlight!  -He gives a large dramatic sigh-  I just like the nice things that come along with it.
Red Mage: You two really are like the happy sad faces that represent Drama! Masque is the sad and Bandit is the happy!How about you, Masque? Have you ever been caught?
Bandit: -He laughs-  Oh, a long time ago!  Since then, she's been especially careful!  Oh, but that one time she almost got killed!  You should have seen the guy she was up against!  I thought for sure we were both going to die that night!  But no... It would seem that the fates, and a little bit of time control got us out of that scrape!...  -He begins to ramble-
Masque: -As they spoke, Masque  seemed to have disappeared from beside her mate though it should have gone unnoticed, a handslipped into RedMage's pocketjust as the question was popped seemingto become verry withdrawn and uncomfortable as was easily noticed by her fidgeting-
Red Mage: *turns and looks at Masque's hand* ...I feel so..USED!
Bandit: -Laughs nervously-  Heh.  Yeah, about that.  Um... -he stumbles over a reply-  Yeah, it was just to show you how we work.  So you can see us in action!  Yeah!  That's it!
Red Mage: ...
Masque: -Withdrew her hands, fingers curling back from her pocket. She swiftly moved back to sit with her mate, hands siffly stuffed into her lap with a growing embarassment.-
Red Mage: ...Yes. Quite. Don't let that happen again.
Bandit: -He nods exaggeratedly, tugging Masque's hand from her lap back into his hand-
Red Mage: Let's let Masque have the spotlight for a moment!
Bandit: -mumbles under his breath, not enjoying being in the backlight-
Masque: OwO;
Red Mage:DO you enjoy having a partner who breaks the rules so easily?
Bandit: -dramatic gasp- I do NOT break the rules so easily!  -seems entirely insulted-
Masque:-She turned her eyes to her partner  her orbs holding  a sarcastic glance,before lookin back towards Red Mage. Her hands lifted in a shrug as if saying there was nothing she could do about it...but.... she leaned over to comfort her insulted friend....she still loved him anyway-
Bandit: -crosses arms over chest before turning away from them both, totally offended-
Red Mage: Oh come now! Don't take this so seriously!
Masque: -She drew back lowering her head slightly as she gave a silent sigh. She would have offered him a word or two to cheer him up,but they were in mixed company.-
Red Mage: ...Mixed company? what the hell does that mean?
Masque:-She wasn't used to speaking around others only Bandit ever heard her voice, and even that was very rare-
Red Mage: ._. Uh huh. *can't help but be just a little insulted* I see.
Masque: -She scratched the back of her head nervously..she couldn't help it....she never was one for talking, it wasn't meant in offense.-
Bandit:I would talk to you...but nnnOOOOOOooooo.   You want to talk to her.  -grumbles and complains-
Red Mage:*laughs again and turns back to Bandit..but not before putting her hand in her pocket* I had to ask her a FEW questions, Bandit!
Bandit:-glances over at Masque once before sighing and shrugging his shoulders-
Red Mage: I still like your voice, you know;)
Bandit: -Blush is hidden by the coloured paint on his cheeks-  Awwww. Shucks.
Red Mage: *giggles a little then goes back into professional interviewer mode* um...What are a few downsides of being a mime, besides not being able to speak?
Bandit: -shrugs slightly.  He enjoyed his work completely-  Eh, there are no downsides.  We don't consider ourselves entirely mimes.  It's a game we play to see who can keep quiet the longest. >.> For some reason, I always seem to lose
Red Mage: *laughs again* I can see that.
Bandit: I don't understand it.  Why can't I win for once?  -seems to sulk, but is just acting up for the attention, as always-
Red Mage: Brat. ^^ *smiles a little and consults her notes* oh dear..that's quite depressing!
Bandit: -curiously looks over trying to see her notes-
Red Mage: I've nothing more to ask you! ...I suppose that concludes this interview then.
Bandit:-stands up and bows to the silent applause from his wonderful performance tonight-
Red Mage: ...Ham. Thank you both for being here...Eve IF I almost got my pocket picked. -_-'
Masque: -looks down and shuffles her feet-

This is Red Mage, signing off!!! Til next time, Same--oh I won't do the BatMan reference. WAY too corny...