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Series 1

[The End] [Future Echoes] [Balance of Power] [Waiting For God] [Confidence and paranoia] [Me²]

Series 2

[Kryten] [Better Than Life] [Thanks For The Memory] [Stasis Leak] [Queeg] [Parallel Universe]

Series 3

[Backwards] [Marooned] [Polymorph] [Body Swap] [Timeslides] [The Last Day]

Series 4

[Camile] [DNA] [Justice] [White Hole] [Dimension Jump] [Meltdown]

Series 5

[Holoship] [Inquisitor] [Terrorform] [Quarantine] [Demons and Angels] [Back to Reality]

Series 6

[Psirens] [Legion] [Gunmen of the Apocalypse] [Polymorph II: Emohawk] [Rimmerworld] [Out of Time]

Series 7

[Tikka to Ride] [Stoke me a Clipper...] [Ouroboros] [Duct Soup] [Blue] [Beyond a Joke] [Epideme] [Nanarchy]

Series 8

[Back in the Red I] [Back in the Red II] [Back in the Red III] [Cassandra] [Krytie TV] [Pete] [Pete II] [Only the Good]

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Series 1 01-01 The End It's stupid anyway: all this maintanance business. The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better union than us. -Lister fails to shair Rimmer's enthusiasm for the job at hand: - fixing the chicken soup nozzel on the vending machine. Rimmer: Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer? Someone who wasn't academy educated, someone who didn't have the right nobby background, someone who didn't have the right parents. Lister: You didn't have the right parents, whose parents did you have? -Rimmer tries to ake excuses for cheating on his engineering exam. Lister, not only are you so stupid you'd bring aboard an unquarantined animal, and jeopardize every man and woman on this ship. Not only that, but you take a photograph of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed in the ships lab. -Cpt. Hollister has ample evidence to accuse Lister of bringing a cat aboard Red Dwarf. Well, she wont be much use to you on Fiji now. Not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with. -Holly's idea of a use for Kochanski's ashes. Lister: What does it feel like? Rimmer: Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans. -Lister comes out of stasis to discover that Rimmer has been reincarnated as a hologram. I'm dead, I'm composed entirely of light and I'm alone in space with a man who'd loose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana. -Rimmer doesn't think that he can look on the bright side. 01-02 Future Echoes I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000, the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers. -Holly's introduction at the beginning of the episode. 01-06 Me2 Hello, hello, testing, testing, one, one, one, me me me. Attention all lady cats! I am feeling very, very sexy! Can you hear me, lady cats?! My body is available. -Cat uses a megaphone to aid his courting. [Back to Top] Series 2 02-02 Better Than Life Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes, I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't. -Rimmer thinks that Junk male is the reason why Lister receives so many letters when the Mail pod arrives. My brain's rebelled.It just won't accept nice things happening to me. -Rimmer finds himself in trouble when the 'Better than Life' total immersion game goes awry. 02-04 Stasis Leak Rimmer (Future): No, look, I'm you from the future. I've come to warn you in three million years you'll be dead. Rimmer (Past) [Sarcastically]: Will I really!?! Rimmer (Future) : Yes, unless you do somthing about it now. Rimmer (Past) : What do you suggest? Give up white bread, more roughage? -Rimmer exploits the stasis leak to try to save himself in the past so that he will be alive in the future. Now kindly cluck off, before I extract your gibblets, and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kiss with. -When Rimmer sees the captain wearing a chicken suit he mistakenly thinks that he is hallucinating again. 02-06 Parallel Universe As soon as I find the right small group of girls, the seven or eight women who are right for me, my wandering days are OVER buddy! -The Cat discusses his plans for the future when he is accused, by Rimmer, of being obsessed with sex. The thought occurs that we haven't actually reached earth. The even further thought occurs that we haven't budged a smegging inch. -Rimmer is not convinced that the 'Holly Hop Drive' has taken the crew back to Earth. [Back to Top] Series 3 03-03 Polymorph The time for talking is over. Now call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard, and we hit it fast, with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign. -Rimmer's idea for dealing with the polymorph having had all of his negative emotions drained. Um, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is "What are we going to call ourselves?" um, and I think it comes down to a choice between `The League Against Salivating Monsters' or my own personal preference, which is `The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society'. Um, one drawback with that... the abbreviation is `CLITORIS'. -Rimmer's idea for dealing with the polymorph having had all of his negative emotions drained. 03-04 Body Swap We have three realistic alternatives: (1) Sit here and get blown up, (2) Stand here and get blown up, (3) Jump up and down, shout at me for not being able to think of anything, then get blown up. -Holly as as optimistic as ever. 03-05 Timeslides A pub - ahh yes. A meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence, by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks. -Kryten having walked into the Public House on the backwards version of earth.   [Back to Top] Series 4 04-03 Justice This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime... it is also his punishment. -Kryten bases his defense of Rimmer around the fact that his great incompetence made the Red Dwarf accident an inevitability. 04-04 White hole Cat : I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do. Rimmer : You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew? Cat : No! I'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew." -Turning off Rimmer's light bee might be the only way to save the crew of Red Dwarf. [Back to Top] Series 5 05-01 Holoship I just want to say: over the years, I have come to regard you as ... people I met. -Rimmer gives an emotional goodbye to his companions as he prepares to join tyhe crew of the Holoship. 05-02 Inquisitor Lister : Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it. Kryten : No plan, sir. No sleeves. -Lister and Kryten stare death in the face before the inquisitor. 05-04 Quarantine So... let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the king of the potato people and you're telling me your completely sane? -Rimmer has become infected with the holo-virus and takes on a bout of what can only be described as weirdness. I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day. -Kryten is a victim of Rimmer's telekinesis powers when he finds an axe embedded in his back. [Back to Top] Series 6 06-01 Psirens Cat : There's an old cat proverb: It's better to live one hour as a tiger, than a whole life time as a worm Rimmer : There's an old human proverb: Whoever heard of a wormskin rug. -Cat & Rimmer disagree about venturing into the asteroid belt in an attempt to catch up with red Dwarf. Starbug was built to last sir. This old baby's crashed more times than a ZX81. -Kryten explains how Starbug was able to survive an impact with a flaming meteor. 06-02 Legion Rimmer : Step up to Red Alert! Kryten : Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb. -Rimmer is insistant on sticking to procedure, but Kryten and the rest of the crew are less convinced. Broadcast on all frequencies and all known languages, including Welsh. -Rimmer tries to establish contact with Legion's vessel. 06-05 Rimmerworld Lister: There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug. Kryten : Or we could use the teleporter. -Lister comes up with a rather intricate pla to escape from the prison on Rimmerworld. Kryten's plan is somewhat more simple. [Back to Top] Series 7 07-01 Tikka to Ride Causality? Well, OK, you know, one event causes another, OK, but sometimes, you just gotta say, the laws of time and space? Who gives a smeg! -Kryten has been reprogrammed by Lister to convince the others that time travelling to Earth to pick up an Indian is a good idea. 07-02 Stoke Me A Clipper... Lister: The red, green and blue alert signs are all flashing. What the smeg does that mean? Kryten: Well either we're under attack sir, or we're having a disco. -Lister and Kryten emerge from the Artificial Reality suite when Ace's ship jumps into their dimension. According to the log we're down to our last 3000 vomit bags. It'll never be enough. -Rimmer's reaction to the news that the Dwarfers are to receive a visit from Ace. That suit's as sharp a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye! -Ace addressing the cat when he arrives on Starbug. Ace: You can't judge a book by its cover. Lister:  And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine. -Ace tries to convince Lister that Arnold Rimmer is Ace material. Get real man. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you. -Lister uses reverse psychology to convince Rimmer to take Ace's place after the hero's death. 07-04 Duct Soup How did I end up like this? On a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry? -Kochanski is despaired when a noisy pipe keeps her awake, but she finds little solace in Kryten's attempts to comfort her 07-06 Beyond A Joke. Let's at least ask someone who's at least going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion. Hello, wall! What do you think? -Kochanski is not impressed by the Cat's attempts to ascertain the age of the derelict space ship Century. [Back to Top] Series 8 08-01 Back In The Red I My mind is so numb and brain-dead, I feel like I've just attended a 3 day seminar entitled 'The Future of Plumbing'. Have you any idea how irritating you have just been? You're a master, there are things you could teach to tropical skin diseases. -Rimmer is irritated when Lister purposefully annoys him with the intention of getting him to talk. Cat: "Forget red - let's go all the way up to brown alert!" Kryten: "There's no such thing as a brown alert sir." Cat: "You won't be saying that in a minute!" -Starbug has encounted Red Dwarf, reconstructed by the nano-bots. [Back to Top] Other Stuff

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