Coming soon: true emotional connection, your relationship and everyday life, maintaining independence, cheating, keeping things exciting, making future decisions, being best friends, breaking up, a few months in: deciding on sex and intimacy, the nine-month to one-year itch, settling disagreements, respect in a relationship, what "I love you" means, gift giving and receiving, and personal testimonials/stories.

How well do your really know your partner? Ask these 1,000 questions and you might be surprised. http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?star85girl/couples

2. The Issue of Age: When Should I?

3. Age Difference in Relationships

4. Archived Questions

5. How to Tell if It's Love: Quiz (link)

6. The Truth is, it's not About the Ending

7. The Grass is Always Greener

8. How to Be Friends with the Opposite Sex when you're in a Relationship

9. Temptation: The Ex-Factor

10.How to Have a Successful Relationship

11. The Top 5 Most Important Elements in Any Relationship

12. Effective Communication

13. Essentials In a Relationship

14.  Don't Become Just "Matt's Girlfriend / Jen's Boyfriend"

15. Are you Ready for Marriage?

16. Saying “I Love You”

17. How a Relationship Builds on Self-Confidence

18. Mind over Manners 

19. Male Perspective: Falling in Love

20. Puppy Love to Mature Love

21. 10 Questions

22. Some Funny Ways to Show Intimacy

23. The Importance of Compromise

24. Striving to Grow from Ducklings to Swans on the Dating Scene

25. Interview with the “Men-Pire”

26. What is Love?

27. The Stages of Love

28. Why Is It So Important to have a Long-Term Partner?

29. Teen Engagement: Special Step or Shallow Status?

30. Teen Engagement: Is it for You?

31. How Marriage Has Come About

32. Heels over Head

33. Knot Ready

34. Women: Men's Secrets

35. How do you Know if it's Serious?

36. Accepting Your Partner's Flaws

37. Why Are Guys So Scared Of The Boyfriend Status?

38. How Differences Between Men and Women Can Hurt (or Help) Relationships

39. Are You Ready to Move in Together?

40. Love

41. Maintaining Your Independence in a Relationship

42. How Young is too Young to be Serious?

43. Saying "I Love You"

44. Five Reasons to Hold Onto Your Virginity

45. Virginity

46. Let’s Have A Chat: Things to Discuss before Moving In

47. Long-Term Relationships in High School

48. Maintaining Intimacy in the Long Term

49. Accepting Your Partner's Flaws

50. Caring About Yourself

51. Quality Time--Making the Best of What You Have

52. Do Teen Relationships Last? Only in Memory

53. Three Scenarios on High School Relationships

54. Stats on Teen Relationships

55. Accepting Your Partner's Flaws

56. Sex or Bust - Is Your Relationship Too Sexual?

57. Dealing with your Partner's Habits

There are several ways to show love to your partner.  One way is to do nice things without being asked, and without expecting anything in return.  Nothing shows someone that you love them more than putting them first once in awhile.  If you love someone, it's not because of what they can do for you (hopefully).  It's because they make you feel good, so you want to make them feel good.  Go out of your way to do nice things for your partner, and you will find that it will be returned.

Another nice thing to do is to sacrifice for your partner.  Maybe there are two choices of what to do on a Friday night, and one of the things is something your partner is absolutely dying to do.  Let them do what they'd like to do, even if it's not something you are completely into.  Sacrifice this time for your partner, just to make them happy.  And enjoy it while you're there.  There's absolutely no point in sacrificing if you're going to look bored and upset the whole time, or expect something in return.  Be joyful about giving to your partner.

If your partner has an event coming up that's really important to him/her, do anything you can to go an dsee it.  Maybe he's acting in a play, playing in a big game, or his band is competing in a Rock-Off.  If you know it's something incredibly important to him, then go - even if you have to put off plans with your friends (this is recommended for really important events only - do not regularly break plans with your friends!).  If you can, surprise your partner by showing up without saying you'll be there, or showing up with a present or flowers to him/her know how much you care and how proud you are that they participated in such an awesome event.

Beyond doing things for your partner, there are still other ways to show your love and support.  First, you should always be honest.  Tell them what you're really thinking and feeling, even if you think it would upset them.  Tell them gently if it is a touchy matter, but tell them honestly, no matter what.  Most people would much prefer to hear the truth than to be lied to.  Being honest with your partner, even when it's hard is a sign of trust and emotional connection.

When your partner talks to you about important things, listen to him/her.  Hear what s/he's really saying, and share your own feelings and thoughts, too.  Don't be afraid to share your feelings, and don't be afraid to listen to his/hers.  Take turns talking about how you feel, and listening to the other person.  Don't interrupt when the other person's talking.  Don't criticize the other person's thoughts or feelings.

This is one of the biggest things you can do for your partner: understand and accept your partner for who they are.  If you find that you simply cannot do this, that you must try to change some aspects about your partner, then you are not well suited to one another.  People don't want to be changed; they want to be appreciated and loved for who they really are.  Ways to understand your partner include hearing him/her out, even if they're saying something you don't like.  Know your partner's faults, and don't pretend they don't exist.  Accept them as a part of him or her.  There will be differences in what you think about different things, or what you choose to do.  You don't have to agree with your partner's ideas or choices, but accept them.  If you love your partner, that means loving all of your partner, not just the parts that you agree with.

It is very difficult for some people to really accept and understand their partners.  Sometimes they get too focused on how they 'think' their partner is or 'should' be.  Try to see your partner for who s/he really is.  Look outside your relationship to see what others (like friends or family members) think of your partner.  What faults do they see that you don't?  What good qualities do they see that you don't?  Looking at close friends or family members' opinions of your partner is one of the best ways to learn to understand him/her.  Take these opinions into account - but form your own, as well.

When your partner is sharing something difficult with you, even if it upsets you, you can and should use everyday ways to show that you're listening and that you love your partner.  Touch your partner's shoulder or give him/her a hug.  Smile at him/her.  Ask real questions about what s/he's saying.

At random times, do sweet little things that don't take much effort.  Slip a brief love note into your partner's books or car (somewhere you know they'll find it).  Bring them their favorite candy for no reason.  Ask them to participate in something that's important to you. 

There are many ways, as you can see, to love and support your partner.  It's one of the most important parts of a relationship.  If you have any questions, feel free to send them to us!

It is sad, this time when I’ve received such questions from 13-year-old girls, such as “I really love my boyfriend, he wants to have sex, and I do too. Could you tell me how?” Girls who should still be playing with dolls, and getting their first chaste kiss from the boy next door. Bastian and I are more shocked with every one we hear often more disgusting than the last. One question in particular I recall was a 12-year-old girl dating a man of 19, “I love my boyfriend, and we’ve been talking about sex, and having a baby. My parents overheard and came in, they said they don’t care if I get pregnant, it’s my life, should I have his baby?” Dear god! What are we teaching our children?!

I think the real question on everyone’s mind is when shouldn’t you have sex? This question is much easier to answer since, according to our judicial systems, there is a set and legal age for certain sexual activity. Now I tell young people when they ask if they should, when all else fails, look to the law. If you are fourteen and madly in love, remember, they made those laws to protect you, and waiting won’t kill you. This is generally good advice for teens under 16, the normal cut off age for statutory rape. If you or your partner can get charged with a crime for having sex, chances are it’s not such a great idea.

When we get past to the age of 16 though, things get trickier. No longer is it illegal for you to engage in sexual activity, so the question becomes a little more varied in answer. It becomes more of a question of love and devotion, personal feelings and values. At this age it is expected that you are now old enough to make decisions which are healthy for you, and that you can look out for your own best interests. You have decision-making skills that people younger than you don’t, so socially, it becomes more acceptable. That doesn’t mean to go ahead without warning, it just means that you are trusted to make an informed choice without the interference of the law.

Now, I trust those of you who are 16 and older to make good choices for yourself. However, I would like to address the problem of younger people having sex. First of all, who wants to have sex at 13, 14, even 15? Think about it, what are you getting out of it? Puberty has just begun, your bodies are not yet developed completely, and they are unprepared to deal with sex or pregnancy. The young brain is underdeveloped, resulting in confusion, and poor decision-making processing. You have trouble experiencing the wide range of physical and emotional sensations equated with sex because your brain is not yet equipped to handle them. Young people are often much more naive and easily manipulated into believing that sex is the right thing to do, is what you do to show someone you love them. They do not have the life experience to distinguish between love, infatuation and lust.

Age difference is another issue in this all-encompassing one. I am in agreement with the law. In my opinion, under the age of 16, no age difference in acceptable, because children should not be having sex in the first place. After that, you can play it by ear. I don’t think it’s so much about age difference, then life stage difference. If you’re 18, in your last year of high school, dating someone who’s 20 in their second year of University, chances are it’s not a good idea. You are in totally different places in your lives, and probably have different ideas and values about sex, because those values change over the course of life. On the other hand, maybe you’re 20 working on an apprenticeship and they’re 32 and working in the same field. Age difference can have a huge impact on sex. Get to know someone first, see if their really in the same place as you, and if you really want to share this with them. Never put it past someone you love but barely know, to use you for sex.

And another thing, just because you have discovered the ability to become aroused, doesn’t mean you are ready for, or should be having sex. If you are horny, that’s what masturbation is for! You are never too young to discover your own sexuality for yourself. Sex is a lot less complicated when only one person is involved, and you don’t have to worry about the consequences, because there are none! When you start to become aroused, your body is telling you that you are becoming an adult, and that your hormones are trying to figure themselves out. It is not an indication that you are physically and emotionally prepared to have sex. It may be true that kids are growing up faster these days, but I can tell you this, NO 13 year old is a completely, physically developed adult. Stick with the Barbie’s and Nintendo, sex is for adults, and chances are, you will be able to enjoy it a lot more when you’re older

Some girls definitely prefer older guys; others prefer younger guys.  Does it matter?  I don't think so.  Who you like should be based on personality, not age.  Whether a guy is younger or older than you (or a girl, if you're a guy) shouldn't matter.  Unless, of course, the age difference is TOO much.

What's too much?  Well, if you're 14 and you're dating someone who's 20, that's probably too much.  Stick with people who are still in high school until you're at least 16.  16 is the age of consent in many places (though it varies by state).  If you're 14 and dating a 17 or 18 year old who's still in high school, people will probably leave you alone.  But if you're dating someone who's no longer in high school, it's probably going to be frowned upon.  Once you're 16 or so, it's probably okay to date people who are up to age 20. 

If you do decide to date an older (or younger) person, be careful.  Keep your relationship open to your parents, and make sure you know and trust the person.  If you and your family are okay with the person you're seeing, and the relationship is going well, don't worry about age.

I, personally, have always dated younger guys.  I've had dates with older guys, but I've never had relationships with them.  The oldest guy I ever went out with was 19 - and I was 17 at the time.  The youngest I've ever dated is my current boyfriend, who is 15 - and I'm 19.

A lot of people made comments when we first started dating (over a year ago).  But our parents were fine with it, and we really liked each other (and now really love each other!).  I really do feel like we're the same age, and sometimes like he's older than I am.  We have so much in common and are so perfect for each other that we rarely even think about our age difference.  I don't see a problem with such a big age difference at all.  After all, it might be pretty big now, when he's a sophomore in high school and I'm a freshman in college - but in 20 years, who'll care?

When you meet guys, don't immediately judge him by his age - "he's too young," or "he's too old."  Get to know him, and if you click - who cares about age?  Just make sure that if it's a big difference, your parents (and his) are okay with it.

A: I'd wait until you're in eighth grade to talk about it.  There isn't anything you can do about what high school you attend yet anyway - the schools won't be making plans for the new freshman class for almost a year.  If you are still going out at this time next year, have your boyfriend talk to his parents about switching schools.  If they agree, then go ahead with it.  If they don't, then you'll just have to see each other outside of school.  It's not the greatest, but it's not horrible!  Especially if you live pretty close by!

Q: What does 'toss my salad' mean?

A: I've never heard that one, but it's a slang term for sexual activity, likely intercourse.

Q: Whenever me and my boyfriend kiss, we always French. He always does...I just go along with it. I don't want to do it all the time, how should I tell him?

A: Next time you start kissing, make only the lightest contact.  When he starts to French, back off a little bit and use the tiniest bit of tongue.  Or, kiss him briefly and move away.  Show him, through your actions, how you want to kiss (in other words, stop going along with it!).  If he doesn't take the hint, then tell him, "You know...French kissing is really nice...but let's mix it up a bit, you know?  Do something different once in awhile, to make it more interesting."  And then tell him that you like all different kinds of kisses, and be prepared to show him what kinds!

Q: I've been dating this guy for over 11 months now, and we first said we loved each other after the first month, and we we're sure we meant it.  And since then, we've made sacrifices, we smile when we see each other,and every time he hugs me or kisses me it feels like the first time.  We're comfortable with each other and we talk about everything.  And what I want to know is...do my boyfriend and I really love each other?  Or is this just that "puppy love?"

A: It sounds like you are in love.  I'm guessing you haven't had to face any major trials yet, though, so you don't know how your relationship will stand that sort of test.  But if you HAVE or do face a major test (like parents trying to break you up, the death of a family member, one person moving away, a major relationship issue, etc.), and you survive it and still love each other, then that's real love.  It takes time to develop, and it's different for every couple.

Q: I'm 16 (female) and my bf is 21.  Can my parents do anything to get him in trouble in the state of MI?  We've done everything, I've given my consent,and we have plans for marriage. My parents can't see past the age difference (my parents are barely a year apart). Thanks!

A: 16 is the age of consent in many states, including Michigan.  There is nothing your parents can legally do, at least as far as statutory rape laws go.

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Once in a while, storybook happens. I won't lie; my first love literally fell into my lap. We looked into each other's eyes and it was love at first sight, no lie. But this happened after sixteen years of watching romance classics like “The Philadelphia Story” and “Penny Serenade,” movies like “An Affair to Remember” and my all time personal favorite, “Sleepless in Seattle.”  We want the beautiful, sometimes whimsical, fun kind of love. And when we look around at the real world and realize the girl you can't help staring at from across the room is nothing like Jo Lo and the guy who makes you melt isn't your own personal Leonardo Di Caprio, it hurts.

We have certain expectations that we can't get rid of. Many of those unrealistic expectations come from the movies. I know how it feels to watch a movie and want to live it so badly that it makes my sides hurt. I know what it's like to cry because it doesn't turn out like those old black and whites, because my relationship didn't turn out romantic and wonderful. The truth is, the world is a much harsher place, full of much harsher people than any movie can portray.

Except for my once in a lifetime experience, people don't just fall into your lap.  Making a relationship happen and making it work, in reality, is terribly hard to do. Hearing those words “You complete me," it doesn't feel the same as watching Tom Cruise say it. Those same feelings don't happen in real life. As much as you may think you want to hear words like those, when they are finally spoken, it really doesn't help much.

 Some of us truly are hopeless romantics. We are going to watch the movies and dream of them being real and nothing is ever going to change that. I am one of those people; I am still looking for my dream girl come true. But I also know what to expect. I know what to look and I know that it isn't going to happen like magic. I will have to go out there and find her, somehow.

Love isn't easy. Talking about it doesn't even go smoothly as it does in the movies. Telling your significant other that you want to have sex isn't as easy as it might appear to be. You can't just start kissing and see something in her eyes. People aren't wired that way; the world isn't wired that way. Many people are just as lost and confused as you are. Everyone is searching for that right person and like you, they're scared to be alone. Nothing in life is easy, and love is probably the most serious decision you’ll ever make. In the movies it all happens so fast and so smoothly, but in real life, we get shot down at the club, we say something stupid and people walk away, we have to move on to someone else. In real life, you can't say “You complete me," and expect someone to stay on that alone. In real life, they sometimes leave and you're left wondering why. The truth is, life happens and you have to go with it.

Movies are reflections of life, it's true. As a screenwriter, I use the concept in my screenplays. But then again, films are often deliberately exaggerated; we use the drama to capture attention. If two characters meet in a bar and one shots the other down, then there's not much of a movie going on. We need them to get together; we need to advance the movie in a good direction. In real life there are endless directions. Pick one, any one, and see where it goes. If the girl at the bar rejects you, move to another. If the guy across the room turns and walks away, then find someone else to talk to.

 Romance movies aren't about two people getting together, you know they're going to get together in the end. It's about the journey, everything in between. It's about watching them fall in love and struggle their way to the end. In life you don't know if two people are going to get together; they don't have a script to follow. The important thing is the journey-everything in between. Find someone and go with it. It's not about whether or not you'll end up with them, it's the journey that counts.

Well…firstly, temptation is perfectly normal; everyone is tempted some of the time. You may think that you have the perfect relationship, the one that was destined for marriage from the instant you met, but that doesn’t leave you free from temptation. Temptation is a natural part of any given relationship, and it’s perfectly healthy. Why? Surely if I’m in love with someone, I shouldn’t be tempted by anyone else? Well….if you are in love with someone, you will never act on your temptations, and that is the crucial difference. Exploring fantasies is absolutely fine. I’ve got a huge crush on Christina Ricci, and my girlfriend is well aware of that fact, and doesn’t seem to mind. It’s only when you begin acting on your temptations that it becomes wrong. If I started sending Miss Ricci letters, my phone number, pictures and whatnot, I’m sure that my girlfriend would have a problem. When you begin doing things, whether it’s phoning the girl/guy who gave you their phone number, or making a move on someone else, then your relationship has some underlying problems, which you might need to explore with your partner.

Why does temptation happen – why does the grass always seem greener on the other side? Well…there are a number of reasons. As strange as it may sound, you may have more interest from the opposite sex! Temptation follows you around. If you’ve suddenly become the hottest thing since Justin Timberlake or Britney Spears, here’s why.

a) In your mind, you’ve become ‘taken’, so suddenly you become a lot more relaxed with the opposite sex, because you’re not thinking “what if they think I like them” or “what if they think that I think they like me” or “what if I think that they think that I like them thinking they like me”. Life suddenly becomes a lot simpler when you start dating. This means that you’re less on edge, more confident and friendly, and generally more likeable and thus….more attractive.

b) If you’re going out with someone, you have an elevated status. Somebody has decided that you are worth dating, and the world is suddenly made aware of this fact. You’ve got something desirable, and people are more inclined to look at you differently, to see what’s attractive about you. You are basking in the reflective glory of a relationship. Enjoy it.

What does this mean? Well…it means that you’re in a relationship, your attractiveness to others is increased, and you’re likely to find more interest. I’ve often heard people say that whilst they were single, there was nobody around that was interested in them, but as soon as they got a partner, people were flocking around; very very frustrating for everyone; I’m sure you’ll agree.

There is, it seems, something attractive about a taken person. In the beginning of the relationship or if this occurs, you need to question yourself about who you are with. If someone else who you’ve fancied before offers themselves, are you likely to run off with them the first chance you get? Be honest with yourself here. If that’s the case, then you need to question why you’re in a relationship with this person, and not the other.

Okay…my next ‘The Grass is Always Greener’ problem – the ex. When we split up with someone, we are making a decision that our lives would be better if we were not together. That is as applicable to marriage as it is to 13 year olds, and the same is true of both gay and straight relationships. But just because we’ve split up with someone, doesn’t mean that we’re going to be able to get them out of our minds quickly. Sometimes we find ex’s showing up in new relationships, causing problems. In my experience, this can often take the form of temptation. Out of nowhere, your ex shows up and begins making reference to intimate moments you have had, or doing things that they know will get you excited. I think the important thing to remember at times like this, is that there is a reason why these people are ex’s. You have terminated your relationship, and whether they want you back or want to get back at you, the end result will always be the same - unhappiness for all concerned. You must be firm with your ex and not let temptation get the better of you; something easier said than done.

Another point here is; if you have split up with someone; do not fall into the trap of continuing the sexual part of your relationship, or stringing them along. It isn’t fair on either of you, but as I said before, that’s easier said than done. Sexual stuff can be quite addictive. Anyone who’s done any will tell you that.

Another thing that I would like to talk about, being a man, is the idea of ‘conquest’ – men, and perhaps women (though as I am not one, I won’t generalise) like the idea of conquests. That is, setting a goal for themselves, e.g.: dating a person, kissing a person etc, etc. When this goal is complete, the guy will sometimes lose interest. For a lot of men, the adrenalin comes with the thrill of the chase, the imagination and the anticipation of what is to come; often the actual result does not live up to expectation. If this is the case, as a guy, you are likely to be tempted by bigger and brighter things, a bigger challenge. My advice, be wary. If your guy has had a long quest to get to you, it might be the first sign that he’s easily tempted. This isn’t true of all guys, so don’t go dumping yours straight away, but bear it in mind.

So apart from your ex’s showing up, and a sudden interest from other people, what else from the world of temptation will hit you? Well…..there is a human tendency to feel that we’re missing out on something. When we’re single, we gaze in jealousy at all the couples (particularly on Valentine’s day) and then when we’re in a relationship, we gaze at the hordes of single people going out to pubs and clubs to meet other single people and enjoy the single life. If you’re one of the people who can’t decide whether it is better to be single or part of a couple, then you should really choose. Starting in a couple is a big shared adventure, and if you’re going to do it, you need to make sure that you’re in it for good. If you enter into a relationship because you’re bored, or because you don’t have a partner at the moment and it’s something to do, or even because you’re flattered someone likes you, then you are more likely to be tempted.

There is no real solution to this other than an honest appraisal of your relationship, and what you want from life. Take a long hard look at what you’ve got, and what you’re missing, and make a decision. Don’t try and make the best of both worlds, you can’t, you may be able to for a while, but someone will always find out, and it will blow up in your face. Perhaps the grass is greener on the other side, but don’t forget that for most of us, we’ve been over that bridge a few times. So if you’re feeling caged in because you’re in a couple, try and remember what it was like when you were single and alone – and if you’re single and alone, try and remember your last nasty split.

Also be honest with your partner. If you’re in an adult relationship, you should be able to discuss things like this with each other. You’ll be able to talk about when you feel you want to be single, and why, or discuss why your relationship feels stagnant and do something about it. You should even be able to talk about ex’s and perhaps other people that you have a temporary crush on, but be careful not to hurt your partner’s feelings. I hope that, in the fullness of time, you’ll soon see that the grass is often the same colour either side of the bridge.

-James Rushbrooke

I suggest you talk with your significant other, and set boundaries for each other. Talk about what you think is acceptable, and what would make you uncomfortable. I'm not saying that you should let your boyfriend/girlfriend control your life, but you should at least ask them how they feel. Decide on what is appropriate and what's not, and stick to it. If your friend asks you to a dance at his school, talk to your boyfriend first to see if he would mind. If your friend asks you to go out to dinner with just her, then talk to your girlfriend before you say yes. The key here is communication.

   
Phone conversations are fine, in my book. So is hanging out, and spending time together. Things that would most likely make the other person uncomfortable, is spending too much time with your friend, flirting with your friend, and sleepovers. What seems harmless when you're single can seem iffy when you're part of a couple.

   
One thing that is definitely not harmless is when your friend likes you especially if they have tried to put the moves on you. I have a friend who is involved in a serious 4-year relationship. She started hanging out with a guy from her school, even though she knew that her friend had a crush on her. Things escalated between them, and he ended up kissing her. That's not the bad part, she pulled away, and it wasn't her fault. The problem was she kept hanging out with him after he completely disrespected her and her relationship with her boyfriend. He kissed her several times after that, and one time, they ended up making out on his bed. She told her boyfriend, and while he was upset, he forgave her. If you hang out with someone who likes you, you are playing with fire especially if the person won't take no for an answer. If they do not respect you enough to accept your decision, then that person is not a true friend. My best advice for you, if you are in this situation, is to talk with your friend. Explain that you have a boyfriend/girlfriend who you care about, and you don't want to let anything happen that could ruin your relationship. I would suggest only hanging out with a group of people in that situation. If the guy/girl repeatedly tries to kiss you, ask you out, etc... I would end the friendship. Obviously they aren't interested in a friendship, and unless you want to break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, there is no point in maintaining that kind of friendship.

   
In short, you need to have an open discussion with your boyfriend/girlfriend. They may think it's fine for you to hang out one-on-one with the opposite sex, or they may not. Sometimes, for the sake of your relationship, you need to cool it off with your opposite-sex friends especially if you're the flirty type who likes to lead all guy/girl friends on (you know who you are!). Talk it over, set boundaries, and respect your boyfriend/girlfriend, and you will have a solid, great relationship that will have endless possibilities.

- Diana Leigh -

Avoiding the Trap
For all those reasons, it's a good idea to maintain a reasonable distance from your ex while you are in a committed relationship.  If you have to be around each other because of school or other circumstances,  keep a friendly but casual attitude.  Make sure you are clear with your ex about your new relationship.  Tell your ex that you are dating a new person, use his or her name, introduce them if you run into each other.  On the other hand, you don't want to discuss your current relationship details with your ex.  Romantic or positive stories might bring up unwelcome emotions for both of you.  Don’t share any problems in your current relationship with your ex; that sends mixed messages and leaves the door open for your ex to think you might be open to him or her.

If you have been friends with your ex longer than you dated, it's natural to want to continue that friendship.  However, it will be easier for everyone if you hang out with your ex only in public places, and when you're not drinking or using drugs.  The easiest way to avoid temptation is not to get into a situation where you are going to be tempted.

If you think your ex is making moves on you again, cool off for a while and don't see each other.  Let your ex know you care, but are not interested in renewing the relationship.  If your ex pushes to keep seeing you anyway, that's a warning sign.  Be firm, and keep your distance.  This will make it easier to establish a friendship with your ex in the future.  If you don't do anything that you might regret later, you'll still be able to keep in touch.

Email and phone calls might seem innocent, but they can be risky.  Phone and email conversations are private interactions. It's easy to start reminiscing or covering familiar ground when you are chatting with your old love.  Try to keep these interactions to a minimum, or just stop them altogether.  It sounds harsh, but, again, it's the easiest way to avoid temptation - stop before you are tempted!

If You DO Want Your Ex Back
If you end up thinking you do want your ex back, talk to a trusted friend or two who knew you when you and your ex were together.  They may remember the bad times better than you, and they may have an opinion that will be helpful.  A feeling of nostalgia for the "good old days" may sometimes pass when you remember the hard times, too. If the feeling doesn't pass, and you decide you want to try getting back together, make sure you are honest with your current girlfriend or boyfriend.  End things with him or her before you start things up with your ex again, and be honest about why.  Even if you thought you were over your ex, it's better to be honest and say that you were wrong about that than to lie.  That way your current love will know it's really not about him or her.

Moving On
Ultimately, moving on from old relationships can be one of the hardest things any of us do.  Letting go of strong feelings and making room for new ones can be difficult, and it will always take time.  Don't be surprised if feelings for your old lovers last a long time, but don't take that to mean that you should rekindle those feelings, either.  It's usually only in movies that people get back together again and it turns out to have been the right thing all along.  In real life, it usually turns out that your ex is your ex for a good reason, and starting fresh with a new relationship is the right choice.

It takes some determination to keep the past in the past and focus on the present, but it will get easier with practice.  The choice to be commit to your future, rather than your past, will get easier to make.  Also remember that the more effort you put into your current relationship, the more rewarding it will become.  Being content with the person you are with and putting your energy into being a great girlfriend or boyfriend  will surely pay off.  When it does, your ex will become just a memory, good or bad, of a love that wasn't meant to be.

-Amy Wilder-Drake

2. Reality hits us quick. When it finally sets in, we begin seeing the other’s weakness. We realize that no one is perfect, and we make exceptions for them.

3. The adjustment period is hard. We see the other person's weaknesses, but don't want to admit our own. This is the time to compromise. Conflict will occur, in fact it occurs in even the best relationships, so don't be afraid to speak your mind; just be respectful. It is time to help our relationships, as well as ourselves, to grow and learn.

It takes a lot of work to have a successful relationship. You must be determined to make it work. Admire the things your partner does instead of always nagging at their mistakes. Respect your partner's thoughts, feelings, and values. Get real! Many people set their expectations of others too high. Loyalty is important to any relationship. Entering into a relationship, the two of you become a team, so start acting like one. Each person needs to communicate his or her feelings, and being a good communicator also means being a good listener. Adjustments aren't going to happen overnight. Your partner isn't going to change just because you want them to. They have to want the relationship to succeed just as badly as you do. Little changes over time will lead to overall success.

Also remember to love yourself first. No one else can love you if you don't love you.

Good luck!

Elisha Sapp

What’s the most important element in your relationship? This is a question that I’ve been asked a number of times; what is it that I consider the most important thing about me and my girlfriend? There are a number of things that vie for position at the top, many of them very important, so especially for this site are my top five elements in descending order.

NUMBER 5 – SHARED INTERESTS

Okay….so you’re a die-hard romantic who enjoys reading Keats and picking flowers and your partner prefers to wallow in their room with Marilyn Manson at full blast; it could be said that you have very little in common. That’s not to say that your relationship can’t work; I just don’t think it can work for very long. If you don’t have anything in common, you will find yourself lost for things to do; you can’t believe he’s never heard of Kurt Cobain, he can’t believe you don’t enjoy Ode to a Nightingale and harp music. There is a school of thought that says ‘opposites attract’ and sometimes this is true, but only those who manage to find some middle ground will stay together. Opposites who attract and don’t adapt will smack like ships and icebergs. If this sounds like you and your partner, a heavy metal version of ‘Ode to a Grecian Urn’ will do your relationship the world of good.

NUMBER 4 – COMMUNICATION

If you’re in a relationship, but you can’t talk about the good things, and talk about the bad things, then you’re not in a relationship worth having. If you find yourself lost for something to say to your partner, then get out now; your relationship is doomed to failure. Being able to talk to each other is absolutely crucial to relationship success, and coupled with this is honesty. Be honest with each other, not “My God your ass looks huge in that skirt” honest, but honest enough about the things that matter. Without honesty you’re just two people deceiving each other until the end of your relationship (which won’t be long).

NUMBER 3 – TRUST

Do you sit around at night worrying about where your partner is, what they’re up to? What clothes they’re wearing and who might be trying it on with them? Do you have arguments about where you’ve been, what you’ve been up to and your friends or his/hers? Trust is absolutely key to any relationship; your partner is not your property, you do not own their existence, and you should be able to allow each other the freedom that comes through trust. Without trust you are just two paranoid people in a complex spiral of lies, counter lies and checking up.

NUMBER 2 – SEPARATE INTERESTS

This may seem odd when Shared Interests only came in at number five, but I think that all too often couples fall into the trap of trying to do everything together, trying to assimilate into one. Instead of being two separate distinct people capable of individual thought they try and become one super person, completely geared to doing things together, they get wrapped up in a tiny tiny couplocentric view of the world. They refer to themselves as ‘we’ and if you’re one of the people who can’t bear to be parted from your loved one, not even for a day, then you might want to take a step back, look at your life and wonder for a second where your friends have gone. What makes a successful relationship is being able to share things, but also to be able to walk away and do something else for a while. Retain the friends that you had, do the things that you used to do. If this doesn’t sound like you, then I can assure you that you need to adjust because if and when you split up with your ‘loved one’ it’s the friends that really matter. Love lives and social lives need to be balanced, time away is sometimes more important than time together

NUMBER 1 – GSOH

Good sense of humor. Absolutely 100% the most crucial thing in any relationship. If you take your relationship seriously, you’ll never get anywhere; there’s only so much looking into each other’s eyes that two people can do before it starts to get dull and slightly sickening. A good sense of humor can see you through that – if you can’t laugh at each other, and make fun of each other, then you’re clearly not completely comfortable with each other. Until you can insult your partner ‘til you’re both in hysterics, your relationship has a little way to go. Laughing is such a crucial part of existence; our best friends are normally the ones who make us laugh the most – and your best friend should always be your partner. If you haven’t pointed at and laughed at your partner at all today, then maybe you should have a go – improve your relationship with the cunning use of mockery.

Well…there you go, peeps. That’s my personal view on what makes a successful relationship. I’m sure the other writers will come up with something a little different, but who knows. What’s right for me, may not be right for you. Successful relationships are a completely subjective thing.

What happens if you don’t communicate or are communicating in an ineffective manner?  Well, the answer is easy.  Relationships start to crumble and simply can’t survive without the strength of communication backing them up.  If you’ve ever had a relationship in which you couldn’t talk to someone, then you’ve had communication problems.

There are clear signs in relationships that signal ineffective communication.  The first one is a fear or reluctance to express your true feelings.  If you don’t feel comfortable enough with your partner or friends to tell them how you’re really feeling, perhaps the two of you aren’t as close as you thought.  Take into consideration that closeness does take time; it won’t happen overnight.  However, if you’ve known this person for years and you still can’t explain to them why they made you angry, you need to evaluate this relationship.

Next, think about if you’ve ever experienced a negative communication experience with someone other than your current friends or boyfriend/girlfriend.  If this is the case, it could be why you’re having trouble getting your emotions and words out in the first place.  All relationships are different, so don’t punish your current friends or partner because of past communication problems with other people.  Instead, think about what went wrong in the past and fix it.  Not only is this healthy for you, but it will help your current relationship to grow and blossom into something great.

If you find that you want to communicate but the words just won’t come out, you’re not alone.  Many people have trouble saying exactly what they mean and end up frustrating themselves and their partner.  So, next time you’re in a situation like this and are grasping for the right words, don’t panic.  Try to calm yourself down, either by taking some deep breaths or by leaving the room for a minute.  Once you’ve pulled yourself together, resume the conversation and speak your mind.  Most people find it hard to communicate only because they’re afraid of telling their true feelings.  But if you’re in a loving, dedicated relationship, this shouldn’t be an issue.  So, say exactly what’s on your mind and you will find that you not only feel better but your relationship will improve as well.

Another reason you might be lacking in the communication area is because of the way you, your friend or partner communicate.  If someone’s on the defensive or isn’t supportive of your feelings, you aren’t going to feel safe enough to express yourself.  It’s very important that you take a long, hard look at your relationships and see if the person involved is compassionate, encouraging and kind when you’re trying to communicate.  If this isn’t the case, let them know how it makes you feel when you think they are judging, ridiculing or ignoring your emotions.  If the person truly cares about you, they will change the way they act when you’re trying to talk to them.  If they don’t, reevaluate the relationship and decide if it’s time to let them go.  Eliminating the negative and toxic people in your life will make room for relationships that are productive and satisfying. 

Lastly, respect is very important when trying to effectively communicate with someone.  You want people to listen to you when you’re speaking, right?  Well, make sure you’re doing the same when people are talking to you.  If you don’t think what your boyfriend is saying is important, chances are the fight you’re in isn’t going to go away anytime soon.  But, if you really listen to what he is saying and think about what you might have done to hurt his feelings, you will have a much greater chance at resolving the issue.

In short, if the elements of effective communication are practiced, your relationships will be stronger, happier and much, much healthier.  So, next time you’re trying to communicate with someone, listen to them, express your thoughts and respect that you both have valid points.  Don’t accuse, assign guilt, judge or shut down.  Once you’ve mastered communication, you can get through any tough topic or argument without anger or frustration.  So, open up and be honest if you want your relationships to stand the test of time.

-Shannon Willoby

-Diana Leigh

When I was 17, I met the perfect guy. We got along great, had a lot of fun together, and we became serious after only 4 months of being together. We said our "I love yous," and began talking about marriage. By the time I was 18, we were seriously considering marriage, and even planned to secretly get married at the courthouse. We were in love - and we were naive.

Now it's three years later. I still love him, but I'm glad we didn't rush into marriage at such a young age, especially after only a few months of being together. There are things that I didn't find out about him until recently, and habits I am only now noticing. After all this time being together, I know that I would have made a huge mistake marrying so young. Our
relationship has been a bit rocky lately, and I've been doing a lot of soul searching, and discovered that he will never really be able to make me happy.

 That's another reason why I'm against teen marriages. You are still discovering who you are, and what you want in life. The things I wanted three and four years ago are totally different from what I want today. There are some things that I didn't think would bother me about my boyfriend, like the way he is antisocial. Three years later I just want to scream because he won't bother to get to know any of my friends or family. There are so many things that you don't know about your significant other, or even about yourself. Take time to discover each other, and don't rush love. Love is patient.

-Diana Leigh

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Another word for nonverbal messages is body language.  Body language develops through the influences of one’s culture, and also through the different perceptions acquired by members of the opposite sex. One nonverbal message that varies greatly from culture to culture falls under the term ‘eye contact.’  Some cultures interpret eye contact as a sign of hostility. Other cultures view eye contact as a sign of friendliness.
    

If a person has self-confidence, then he or she will learn how to establish eye contact without glaring or staring at the individual with whom a conversation has been initiated.  Self-confidence will help a person to communicate well without needing pupil-to-pupil contact.  The self-confident individual will learn how to focus his or her gaze on a spot somewhere between the eyes and the chin.
    

Research done at Northeastern University by Dr. Judith Hall has shown that men and women do not read the same meaning from a nonverbal message.  Gestures, facial expressions and a speaker’s tone of voice can hold different meanings for people ofdifferent sexes.  Psychologists have found that these differences exist in all cultures, and these differences are apparent in children even before they finish the third grade of elementary school.
    

With self-confidence a man and a woman can use their body language to improve their relationship.  Dr. Maple has explained how that can be accomplished.  She suggests that to improve your body language, you have to start from the inside and work out. If you are comfortable with yourself, it shows.  People who have good self-esteem, who give themselves status and respect, who know who they are, have a relaxed way of talking and moving and always come across best.
    

So, don’t be diffident. Don’t be a doormat. Build-up your self confidence, and you will build-up any relationship.

submitted by Sue Chehrenegar

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He continues to explain the politics of first impressions as a "meeting of representatives." How true is this fragment? Very! Everyone tends to be on their best behavior during what is known as the "honeymoon phase." The longevity of the "phase" is a tell-tale reflection of the relationship's "staying power." My failure-versus-success rate regarding relationships is not even a comparable issue. The two are polar opposites, existing on two completely different wavelengths, however, more valuable lessons were learned from the failures, more so than the successes. I cannot speak for anyone but myself, nor can I tell you "how it is," or "how it is going to be." That is not my place, yet perhaps, by sharing my repercussions, I can offer assistance with "this thing called 'love'."

Once the mutual attraction has been established, the most crucial aspect to making the magic last is granting the other person personal space. This will keep the affair exciting and new. Everyone is entitled to a life of their own; violating this space will result in tragedy. People do not appreciate pushy, nosy, or dominating actions. Unless there is hard evidence of suspicious intention, give significant others room to breathe, and vice versa. Think about the statement, "Do unto others..."I run an extremely busy lifestyle, loaded with priorities that deal with the basic procedures of a college student. Now is not an ideal time for me to add the stress and strain of a relationship; I feel that this would be a violation of freedom. Independence, the art of establishing one's life, is essential to understanding the foundation of a rewarding kinship. with anyone, but is vital to maintaining a healthy interconnection.

Math is far beyond my comprehension, but love, in application to the world of "dating and relating," defies all hypothetical exercises that involve scientific methods, postulates, mathematical theorems, and laws of the universe. A respected mind once told me the key to prosperous fellowships is the concept of "two one-hundred percent people to yield a one-hundred percent relationship." What does this awkward statement mean? Unless one has come full circle and achieved harmonious balance within their being, one should not expect to achieve relations on an intimate level.  Two individuals who have accomplished this level of intimacy will surely have success, while partners who are overly needy and dependent will "cramp the style." People of this nature have much to learn, not only about life, but mostly themselves.

More often than not, I see my friends engaging in activities with unattractive candidates. Do not fall into this trap; deception wears many masks. Take these words from a person who has much to offer in a relationship, but continually is subjected to failure. In the past, I have chosen numerous partners who were undeserving of the positive optimism I could bring to a relationship. Do not make the mistake of selling oneself short – don’t "settle." If a significant other cannot handle the fact that time spent together needs to be limited, especially at the outset, the best action, to maintain composure and personal sanity, is to move on with life. Remember, before the person came into your life, you developed a life of your own: hard work was done to attain the current status. Never let anyone bully or impose guilt on you for wanting to pursue your dreams; one's life is far too precious to be wasted at the whim of another's negative needs.

Then there is the materialistic side of the relationship, and we can’t forget the influence of money. This is where the female usually stands her ground and plays the dominant role. Even though they both agree or disagree on all such matters, they fail to realize that there is a simple solution to the strategies of a relationship. In the beginning most are too young to understand the ‘whys’ of how to keep things in order and carry on sound relations.

Years after all the fights and anguish, the tears and the heartache, they begin to slowly work on the strategy. They evolve into a uniformed couple and learn that relationships are all about give and take. They grow to love one another and share in each others dreams and find themselves finally in the beginning stages of compromise--a word that most tend to ignore. As simple as the word implies, the relationship strengthens, and the two partners now share and learn the rules of equality. It is an important factor in each and every person’s life, be it in the work place, or wherever they may be, compromising is the key to success. We live in a world where compromise is our saving grace.

-Mark P. Breau

When do we halt communications? At what time do we decide to stop making an effort; whether it is dress, mood or thought? Whenever that time is, whenever the honeymoon period ends and routine kicks in is the time that the ‘relationship problems’ begin.

On the whole, girlies world-wide strive for routine - for the rut. The security of having more than ‘3 weeks’ in a relationship behind us means we can verbalise the word ‘month’, and hopefully it’s not too long before we can present that word in its plural form. The mere mention of relationship duration equals a confidence in the relationship; ‘It’s not a fluke!... He really does like me!... He’s not a male tart!... It’s for keeps!’

No longer are you the ‘ducklings of the dating scene’ but instead the couple swanning around who can give advice to the new ducklings of the dating scene and - depending on how much of the bitch in you is at the forefront - patronize the Bridget Jones’ of the ‘wannabes of the dating scene’.

Sad but true, this ‘security’ is not forever; in fact the security usually becomes the only prosperous trait that is worth the relationship being kept alive. You have your routine of when you talk, what classes you are in together, what breaks you meet in, when you message each other, what night you go on dates, when you go to the beach…it’s all nice and secure. With the lack of excitement and mystery all you have is routine. We, as humans, are creatures of habit but what we lose sight of is the fact that we are also in opposition to the habit, creatures of passion. Perhaps it is the habit which forces the animal magnetism of the passion down into a six foot deep hole. Dealing with this ‘habit’ is Mr Testosterone who secretly craves sex 24/7 and Ms Vasopressin who seems as though she’s more concerned with the ability to truthfully boast that she is in a relationship. By not listening to the wants and needs of our partners the beginning of the problems are signalled.

Many people think that youth is an excuse for sleeping around; being passionate 24/7 but it is different for everyone. Youth is a time we all travel through in our own manner with our own thoughts and feelings; therefore, when we become stuck in a rut at 16/17, older folk do not seem to understand: you want to shout out ‘I’m in love but I don’t know where that is anymore!’

Men versus women, women versus men; who knows what is going through whose head at any given moment? Well…! It is truly difficult to say, especially coming from the mind of the opposite sex, but here is something for both parties, regardless of gender. I spoke with two close friends of mine; two of the most wonderful people with whom I have had the privilege of “getting inside their head.” Not to mention two of the most highly regarded opinions that I trust. Boys, listen up! Here are a few things to keep in mind, straight from “the horse’s mouth,” so to speak, and girls! This may insightful for our gender as well.

Here are the facts, ladies and gentlemen!

Q. How old were you the first time you asked a girl out on a date?

A. 16

A. 10

Q. Did you go out on a date w/ this girl? If so, what did you guys do?

A. Yes, Dinner and a Movie

A. Yes. Went roller skating.

Q. How do you let a girl know you are not as interested as they are?

A. Try to keep it casual.  Not making any big plans; “See ya when I see ya” type-stuff.

A. Tell her.

Q. What do you do if you and your buddy like the same girl?

A. Depends on who is getting more at the time; I have never encountered a problem with liking the same girl and making a big deal out of it.  There are plenty to go around!

A. Have a competition; whoever starts pulling ahead wins.

Q. What if the girl you like likes your best friend?

A. Hard to say without being in the situation, but I hope that my decision would not get in the way.

A. Cool.

Q. How old were you when you had your first girlfriend?

A. I think I would have been 16 or around there.

A. 12

Q. How did you meet?

A. School

A. School

Q. Who asked who out first?

A. She expressed interest in me to some of her friends, and I found out.  So, I decided to call her up and ask her out.  I’m not sure if I would have had the balls to call her if she hadn’t.

A. She asked me out.

Q. How long did you "go steady?"

A. (Laughing and chuckling) Sorry! Just funny to think about “going steady.”  We really just kept it light for about 3 or 4 months (with a few hot nights).

A. A couple of months.

Q. Is this how you lost your virginity? If not, then how?

A. No, I lost it to her friend. After we had stopped “going steady” some of our friends went camping and an Asian friend of hers and I got drunk, and well…. it didn’t last long!

A. No. I lost it to another girl who was a friend of my cousin's.

Q. How old were you when this happened?

A. 16 was a coming of age year for me; things change when it's not your mom dropping you off to go out.

A. 14

Q. How long was your longest relationship?

A. 3 1/2 years, Laurie*, I think you met her before.

A. 5 years

Q. Was this girl your first love?

A. Yes, Laurie was the first and only girl that I have ever been in love with, although the words have come out with other girls.  Sorry, I’m a guy.

A. Yes.

Q. How did you know that you were in love?

A. It’s funny… I had plenty of girls that were beautiful, funny and lasted for more than just a month or more.  But when she was around I felt comfortable and just happy.

A. [I] have 2 answers for this one; I knew I was in love because.... Now, this may sound silly or not make a whole lot of sense, but... (1) If we met somewhere and we both showed up in our own cars.... When it came time to leave we would sit in one or the other's car and procrastinate going home.  When we finally left each other and were ready to pull away, say I was in front of her, getting ready to pull into traffic I would look into my rearview mirror and she would be looking at me; I would look at her and you could just feel it, and if for some reason, we needed to drive along side each other. That is what we would do the whole way until that final moment came. We would have to turn from each other and head our separate ways. (2)  You know those sappy love stories where two people meet and they dance and in one shot they are surrounded by people and then a moment later they are all by themselves..... That actually happened to me.  It was one of the best moments in my entire life thus far.  (And the crazy part was that it happened more than once with this girl.)

Q. How did it end?

A. Badly, I thought after dating her for so long that all girls were going to be like her.  Wrong!   

A. It ended in a way that just wasn't the way something like that should end; the way that look at it and actually we have both discussed it, as we were the both the right person just at the wrong time.

Q. Do you still love her? If yes, would you do it again? (either answer) Why?

A. Yes, sure, she was a really cool girl and why not take a second chance.

A. Yes and yes. Why? Because I miss having that feeling and of course I would do things differently.

Q. Describe your "dream girl."

A. Attractive, smart and funny.  She would need to have goals, there is nothing more unattractive then someone who doesn’t want to achieve anything.  No specific physical traits except that she can’t be taller than me.

A. I will answer these next 2 questions in 1.  I had a dream girl before. I met her and I suppose I still do have a physical dream girl, but after what I had with her makes me not care so much about what I thought was a dream girl.  Now I really have a dream to find something like that again, but with someone that will actually take the time to listen [to] and really learn what it is I expect from a relationship and that is basically one thing.  Treat me the way that you want to be treated; if that is done then all the trust and love and respect that should be there will be.

Q. How close was she to your "dream?"

A. Well, I would say that she is the closest I have ever come to a “dream” girl but I like a variety of personalities and types.  It never hurts to keep your options open.

Q. What do women seem to misunderstand the most about men?

Q. What do men seem to misunderstand the most about women?

A. Both Questions: I think the biggest misunderstanding between men and women is the level of commitment.  It is something that is hard to discuss because someone could get hurt.  And feelings can change as the relationship continues.

A.  This goes for both: men and women really misunderstand how much we need each other. In some instances we recognize that fact but I feel that we really don't acknowledge it all.

Q. Maxim vs. Cosmopolitan; positive or presumptuous portrayal of the opposite sex?

A. I think both magazines mislead readers to think there is a formula for success with the opposite sex.  A test that tells you who you are and what you can do to better yourself.  When in reality, trying to be recreate and apply this usually ends up in a false representation of the person.  Unless you don’t know who you are, then it works great.

A. Yes, it would be nice to live life in such a manner; but, come now! Then it would not be called "life!"

Q. Any additional comments? (feel free to cover any crucial aspects I may not be aware of)

A. Pleasing a girl in bed can be a hard, so let her tell you what she likes.

Q. What is the best advice you think you could offer teenage guys about dating today?

A. I really shouldn’t be giving advice about dating, but to trust their instincts and do not be afraid to talk to a girl.  Confidence goes along way.

A. Be honest and true to yourself and to the one that you hold in front of you. And if you do it may not always work out the way it should, but at least you did it and you will learn from that one for the next one.

“Dating and relating” is not easy; relationships were, unfortunately, not meant to be, but with the right person, the headaches and heartbreaks can be worth it. Perhaps my friends and I are not the most highly qualified individuals to be advising on these matters, but experience does count for something. The three of us have roughly ten to fifteen years of experience compared to the average age of the reader on the site.  We are not here to tell people ‘how it is, indefinitely,’ or ‘how it will be, without a doubt!’; we are simply here to help, so that maybe others can avoid the mistakes we have made (or provide a better understanding as to why problems arise). Men and women are not easily compatible, by nature. Realizing this fact of life is the first step to clarify why one reacts the way that they do to the opposite sex. But with patience, striking stability on “common ground” can be the most rewarding aspect of life and makes relationships a healthier and happier place for both parties to be.

I would like to know what teenagers today are thinking. If there are any questions that we did not answer (and I am sure there are several!), please do not hesitate to contact the site and ask! The webmaster will make sure the questions are sent my way, and I will be sure to have a reply in as timely a fashion as possible. I look forward to the feedback.

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No one can really answer that.

With that statement, there are actually a few people who have broken down the process of love into stages.

The Five Stages of Love

The most popular model is the Five Stage model. The stages are attraction, romance, passion, intimacy and commitment. It is important to note that both people must be moving at similar speeds. If one partner is ready for commitment and the other is just at attraction, there is a good chance the relationship won’t work.

Attraction: Both physical and/or emotional, this is the first stage of love. Arguably, friendship is the first stage and attraction is the stage that starts to separate a platonic (non-romantic) friendship to a romantic attraction. Attraction can end abruptly; it’s the equivalent to a second look, a second date or a second conversation with someone.

Romance: Both selfish and/or selfless. This stage is the time when people buy flowers or do things to gain favor with the other person. It can be selfish, though, when someone only buys or says nice things to gain something personal. To get someone in bed with them, for instance. This type of romance ends quickly. Selfish romance is where the person is genuinely caring and wanting to please a potential partner. Since the spirit of the actions is what drives the actions, there is more chance of getting to the next level.

Passion: The lustful period. This is the time often when a relationship turns physical since the attraction between the two cannot be ignored. This does not always mean sex must happen, but both people are passionate with each other. This is also a pivotal point for the relationship where, depending on the people, the relationship can fizzle out real fast, or become stronger.

Intimacy: Many people confuse the act of sex with intimacy, this is false. Intimacy is not just a sharing of the body but a deep sharing of feelings, fears, hopes and dreams. At the intimacy stage, there is a deep sense of security which allows both people to share anything and everything with their partner. Intimacy, unlike passion and even romance, never goes away. It needs to constantly be maintained by both partners or it will fade.

Commitment: Commitment does not always mean marriage but marriage is a good alternative word. It, hopefully, is a stage reached long before marriage when both people mentally and emotionally commit themselves. When things are good, this can be an easy step from intimacy. If things are bad and problems have occurred or re-occur, commitment can be hard.

The Seven Stages of Love

John Gray Ph.D. wrote a few books on love and broke the stages of love into seven stages which are more in-depth and take into account the world around you.

First Level: Security, simply. We feel safe and secure with the person we are with. The security is more than a friend you can tell everything to because should the same security be offered to others, jealously might/will occur.

Second Level: Pleasure. The person offers pleasure and comfort. This could just be a comforting place after a long, hard day or more physical pleasure.

Third Level: Companionship. The person we are with shares the same ideas, thoughts and feels (at least in general) and offers positive reinforcement for our daily goals and aspirations.

Fourth Level: Unconditional love. This is the stage where both people see the other as being imperfect. Should one person make a mistake or the two people get into a fight, they would still be loved by their partner. A good example is the love of a parent for a child; even when the child misbehaves, the parent will never stop loving them.

Fifth Level: Universal love. This stage indicates a desire to feel unconditional love (or forgive) other people outside the relationship. This could be described as the stage where suddenly the sky seems bluer and the grass greener and you can see the good in everyone.

Sixth Level: Soulful love. The attraction between the two does not rely on the physical. Things like death, injury or old age do not change the feelings between the two. There is a realization of a deeper part of human nature (the soul) which is loved more than the body it is in.

Seventh Level: Divine love. Regardless of religious beliefs, this stage is closely related to the love of Jesus Christ in the Christian faith. It is a realization that there will be no separation through death and that we are all part of one consciousness.

In Closing

Love, no matter what system you believe in, takes time and an investment of time in both yourself and the other person. While there can be daily trauma, fights or insecurities, love tends to be a foundation that cannot be so easily effected. If the foundation of any relationship is strong, even if it is friendship, there are few things that can break it.

Questions, comments can be sent to Amanda Kun at AKun@justice.com

You’re off to the cinema in a group of friends. Two of them bring along their partners. By this gesture of public intimacy, it makes your group dynamic feel different; it makes you question your single life; it makes you insecure as to why it is exactly that you don’t have someone to help buy your ticket, hold your coke whilst you go the bathroom. This simple social behaviour of your friends threatens your peace of mind and quietly undermines the confidence of your single life- perpetuating an unhealthy comparison between you and friends, evoking envy within the barracks.

Of course you are glad for your friends but hey- living in a social, egotistical world, why can’t that be you? Indeed, will that ever happen for you? …..No! Not if you continue in that negative frame of mind. Put some positivity out there and you’ll reap good times back ten fold. If you maintain the desperate sense of self and inevitable depression, you will only stagnate in the dwelling depths of ‘singledom’ discontentment which your envious comparisons have lead you to.

Self-worth is measured in the kindness you give and show towards others; the aid you offer emotionally and physically; self worth is not measured by the partner you have on your arm and how long you’ve been dating. As great as sex can be - is it really as enjoyable with someone whom you don’t care about and love? Why not invest in a sex toy or two rather than dating someone for the sake of being able to say you’re in a ‘long term relationship and having sex’. A sex toy may not be able to hold you as you sleep but does being held by a person you don’t love as comforting as being held by the ‘right….special….the one’?

If we analyse the need for a long term spouse the answer has to be love, doesn’t it? What else would we risk life and limb for? However, when we look around in society how many (young) couples are together out of the need to be able to affirm their social status; to be able to bring a ‘date’ to an evening out....to the cinema in that group of friends, to be able to say they ‘got some’ the previous night. It makes them feel ‘accepted’ and ‘normal’. Remember, people who follow the crowd get called ‘sheep’. Perhaps one shows more inner strength and courage standing by true and secure beliefs in knowing that a long term partner is for love, not for an ego boost.

Parents, family and friends wonder how you know that you are ready to make such a big commitment? Easy, if you're in love; you can't think of living without your partner and they feel the same about you; but indeed, do you actually consider the commitment of engagement or has the status of engagement manifested itself into one of the 'next step up from dating'?

The next step being one where there is no change in terms of your commitment to one another: no change in financial saving plans or thoughts towards the realistic future of how you will live together, how you will get by in the domesticated grind of daily life… where to say 'We're engaged' gives you an exclusivity, a different status amongst your peers; you two are the couple who are 'really in love'. If engagement is a sought after status in terms of self and peer does the tone change when it is announced it to another? Saying 'We're engaged'... is it said with as much vigor and pride in front of oppressive parents...indeed, is it even said in front of them? Engagement which leads to marriage is ultimately about family.

Of course there is no rule that states a married couple are to procreate and have children of their own, but marriage is about intertwining two people who love each other, joining two families. How can people -- so arrogantly -- become engaged in front of peers without telling the people who it really matters to, let's face it- the people who will probably end up paying for the whole, expensive affair?

Before the romanticism of the engagement affair takes over, perhaps it would be an idea to ponder on what marriage realistically means to you. It's not a straight line of fun but a lifeline of ups and downs, compromise and acceptance where sometimes love is taken for granted.

In the right light teen engagement is a lovely, satisfactory step of commitment towards a person at an age where there is little else you can do to shout at the world from the rooftops that you are in love with this fantastic person. However, if teen engagement was as common place as waking up or brushing your teeth, then maybe it wouldn't be the feature of this week's newsletter- engagement has been a special bond and commitment for centuries. Surely it would be a shallow step to consider without real feeling behind it?

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So you’ve been together for awhile, and you think this might be IT.  But how do you know for sure?  And even if you are pretty sure, how do you know your partner feels the same?  What does it really mean to be engaged?

Engagement is a serious commitment, meaning that you are going to be together for the rest of your lives.  It is a promise of 100% fidelity and future marriage.  It means that you completely know, love, and trust your partner.  If you can’t say that’s true, you’re not ready for engagement yet.  But if you feel that is true, then maybe you are.

Remember, only about 2% of couples in high school will eventually marry.  Put that way, it doesn’t sound like a lot.  But that’s 1 out of every 50, and there are certainly more than 50 couples in your high school.  Probably a LOT more than 50.  Who says you can’t be one of the few who make it?  You could be.  But be realistic – your chances aren’t great, but they’re not non-existent, either.

Before considering engagement, you should think about these things:

1. How long have you known your partner?  Hopefully the answer is more than a year.
2. How old are you both?  You should both be at least 16; the younger you are, the lower the chances that you’ll make it.
3. Do you know one another’s families?  If you’re considering engagement, you should, because these people are your future in-laws.
4. Do you completely know each other?  That means knowing and understanding all of the good AND bad parts about each other, and being willing to accept each other no matter what.  Remember, that little annoying habit that you can simply escape now will be something you’d be living with for the rest of your life.  Can you deal with it?  You will NOT be able to change your partner, so if there’s something you can’t deal with, engagement is not the answer.
5. Do you completely trust each other?  You should be able to tell each other anything and everything.  Make sure you’re comfortable talking to your partner.
6. Do you really love each other?  This is really the trickiest question, because a lot of people aren’t sure they know what love is.  But if you like to be around your partner at any and all times, whether they are happy, sad, sick, healthy, mad or excited, then you probably love them.  If you have shared goals for the future, love is possible.  Be sure that you truly love your partner before you discuss engagement.

That said, one of the most important things in an engagement is common goals.  A lot of teens assume that love is enough, because who knows where you’ll be in five years?  Most teens have no idea what they really want in life yet, so they may not even bother talking about it.  They assume that they’ll figure it out as it comes, together.  This is a mistake!

Everyone has at least an IDEA of what they want for their future.  It’s important to share yours with your partner before thinking of engagement.  What if you want to be a stay-at-home parent in the small town you grew up in, with a house full of kids, while your partner wants to be a childless, career-oriented person who travels the world?  Whatever actually happens, it’s likely to be very different for the two of you.  Be sure that you share similar goals about where you want to live, the career goals you have, and other major parts of your life.

Another thing to talk about is religion.  Hopefully, you and your partner know what religion you each are, but it’s probably not an issue now.  If one person is significantly more religious than the other, though, it can certainly become an issue.  Two people who are certain they are meant to be together when they’re 16 and 18 can find out when they’re 19 and 21 that religion has become too big a hurdle to get over.  Think about what your religion means to you, and how much it matters to marry someone of the same or different religion to you.  Discuss this with your partner, too.  Also, remember that your feelings (or your partner’s) may change on this issue once you begin to discover your own real beliefs.

There are going to be other issues like this.  Maybe one person wants to marry someone who is going to do pretty much the same thing s/he wants, career-wise: that is, someone who is going into a similar field, or at least wants to attain a similar level of education.  If your partner dreams of earning a Ph.D. while you’re not sure you care about much more than a Bachelor’s (if that!), this may become an issue in the future.

Kids are also another thing you should talk about.  Some people really aren’t sure if they want kids, which is okay.  But if you’re really thinking you might want them, and your partner’s really thinking s/he might not, you could have a problem.  Make sure you’re both at least leaning the same way, even if you don’t know what you’ll choose.

Talk to your partner before thinking of engagement.  Make sure you have similar goals, beliefs, ideas, and thoughts about the future.  These are just as important as love and trust.  You’re not just accepting one another for who you are now, you’re making a commitment to spend your lives together, which encompasses everything that you want for yourself.  Be sure that you can really make what you want match up with your partner before you consider engagement.

What if you just don’t know what you want?  You don’t know what job you want, what kind of education you want, what your religious beliefs are, if you want kids, or even who you really are.  If that’s the case, it’s not time to get engaged!  Being engaged won’t solve those problems.  You can’t promise yourself to another person if you don’t even know who you are.  Stay in a relationship with that person, and see what happens.  If it turns out you really want to be together after you’ve gone through some rough patches and figured out some of your answers, then you can get engaged.  There is no rush!  Getting engaged (and married!) is something you can do at any point in your life.

By B. Kim

“The only gift is a portion of thyself. Make yourself necessary to somebody.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Love is the one emotion that understands and respects no one. The feeling can make the world spin in oblivion or rip one’s life apart---just like that; without any warning or indication that the roller coaster is heading toward destruction. Love is “the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired,” but more often than not, the results of exposure to utter bliss can be undesirable. One must guard their heart for many times, the people who are on the receiving end of our affections are far less than worthy.

“Know thyself,” and know thyself well before engaging in activities that involve the utmost pinnacle of emotional commitment. Once a heart is broken, rebuilding the damage is a long, difficult process.

First, use good judgment; humans have instincts. Intuition is part of our nature. Now whether or not we choose to listen to these “voices in our head,” is solely an individual decision, but we are all familiar with the infamous line, “Go with your gut,” and do it! The worst mistakes happen when people fail to recognize the words of the inner child. We were created with a conscience for a damn good reason, but more often than not, we decide to ignore this act of Mother Nature. We are stubborn creatures who have the tendency to think that we are bigger than everything. WRONG! Love is one of the forces of nature that is indefinitely bigger than us.

Regret is a part of life that can be eliminated if we listen to our hearts and reason with our heads. Perfect example:  A friend of mine has the opportunity of a lifetime; the chance to attend the university of her dreams, a school with one of the best writing programs on the face of the planet, but there is one “kicker” to this situation. She believes she may be in love with a guy she met around Christmas time. Currently, they maintain a fairly healthy, respectful, and exciting long-distance relationship, but in all reality, the distance is only about a two-and-a-half hour’s drive separating them. This is really no big deal, considering New York City or Chicago can put three or four hours between two lovers, and this is two different cities, however; come August, she will move to the college town, therefore, increasing drive to about five hours. Not only will the distance increase, but so will the work load and academic responsibilities; part and parcel of “chasing a dream”, yet she truly may very well be in love with this guy. On many different levels, their relationship does not make much sense, but I will say this, love never does!

There is that notorious saying, “opposites attract”, but in their case, the force is magically magnetic, almost as if they are true “soul mates”, totally meant to be, but totally “star-crossed” by their fates. While their story is rather “Shakespearean”, the reality of the dream is this:  if she does not pursue the life that was meant to be hers, then what? Some would tell her that she can very well “have her cake and eat it too”; a decent Big Twelve university exists just forty-five minutes from his place of residency, but the school is hardly the Big Ten writing school she has been striving to make since she was thirteen. Herein lies the beginning to a major problem.

If she gives up what she has desired for so long, she will be unhappy in the long run and hate herself forever for not seizing the opportunity when the chance was golden. She has the credentials to go anywhere; seeing this, those who believe in love and love alone would advise her to apply to the Big Twelve and take her chances with love’s fate, but what if a year from now one of the two decides they are miserable in the relationship. She would have to kick herself for more reasons than one, and I know she is not the type of person who takes “screwing up” lightly. The risk factor is far too high to sacrifice a dream and a heart all in one shot.

The alternate side to this story is this:  she could get to the Big Ten and find that this is not the place for her, and it could turn out that the Big Twelve is where she should be after all; highly unlikely, but this is life!

Anything is possible, but if the love is true, it will find a way to make all work out for the better. Sometimes being in love means days must be taken one step at a time, moment to moment, future forgotten. I realize this is a difficult feat, but good things do really come to those who wait. How do I know? Because she told me that she has waited twenty-eight years for this person to come into her life. In retrospect, after that long, what are a few more years, really?

Remember this, if anything, as one of the most important aspects of “this thing called love”. Unless one is happy with the person they are, which involves being happy with the circumstances of their life, under these conditions are the only way one can truly love their individual self. If one does not love who they are, it is virtually impossible to truly love another.

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Modern society scoffs at the barbaric, ancient civilizations and smirks at the primitive customs maintained by non-Western cultures. [Displaying] prejudiced attitudes and lack of interest in history and sociology, American citizens prefer indulgent ignorance to intellectual introspection. While Heller suggests ten valid points, he fails to address two major concerns, one being the heart of most troubles:  “Two one-hundred percent individuals to make a relationship feasible.” Unless people know who they truly are, without a doubt, and have a balanced sense of self-confidence, they cannot expect “dating and relating" to provide one positive experience to another. People who have a comfortable sense about their character and personal well-being can depict insecurities in others, thus avoiding a nasty scene.

Arranged marriages may be a dead custom in the US, but there are still places in the world which enforce this practice. In colonial days, marriages were for business or financial reasons. Western culture made matrimony about love; first comes love, then marriage, but arranged marriages act in the opposite way. Can anyone guess which relationship has a better chance of “making it?” Let’s look at some statistics (from “Marriage and Divorce:  The Statistics" at www.cerritos.edu):

•  Fifty-nine percent of marriages for women under the age of 18 end in divorce within 15 years. The divorce rate drops to 36 percent for those married at age 20 or older. — "Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the United States," M.D. Bramlett and W.D. Mosher

•  Sixty percent of marriages for couples between the ages of 20 and 25 end in divorce. — National Center for Health Statistics

•  Fifty percent of all marriages in which the brides are 25 or older result in a failed marriage. — National Center for Health Statistics

•  Sixty-five percent of altar-bound men and women live together before getting married. — Bride's Magazine

•  Research indicates that people who live together prior to getting married are more likely to have marriages that end in divorce. - The Boston Herald

•  A recent study on cohabitation concluded that after five to seven years, only 21 percent of unmarried couples were still living together. - The Boston Herald

•  Fifty-five percent of cohabitating couples get married within five years of moving in together. Forty percent of couples who live together break up within that same time period. — Annual Review of Sociology (Cerritos, “Marriage” par. 5-11)

        A headline in the ASU student newspaper read:  “Youth Divorce Rate Nears 80 Percent” (Bill, title). While the content speaks of a couple who has found success in maintaining a marriage during college (thus far), they are in the extreme minority. Marriage is becoming a dying trend. Hardly anyone seems to respect the true meaning of this level of commitment. Getting married while at the prime of life, the time when opportunities knock and mind changes from day to day, would be the biggest mistake of them all--perhaps not for everyone, yet it is a guaranteed path to possible regret and an expensive mistake.

Works Cited

Bill, Lucia. “Youth Divorce Rate Nears 80 Percent.” ASU Webdevil 1 Feb.2005.
<http://www.asuwebdevil.com/issues/2005/02/02/arts/691573?>.

Cerritos dot Edu. “Marriage and Divorce:  The Statistics.” n.d. 20 Mar.2005. http://www.cerritos,edu/etomajian/marriage_and_divorceweb.htm.

Heller, Dov. “Ten Reasons Why People Marry the Wrong Person.” n.d. http://www.aish.Com/torahportion/shalomweekly/Reeh_5763.asp.

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In our teen years we tend to forge the first loving and most intense relationship(s) of our lives. These relationships are different to
the family and friendships that we already know. They have an exoticism about them; an emotional pang; a stomach wrenching, heart pounding beat to them. They are exciting, thrilling and scary. These are the relationships that we spend the rest of our lives either wanting to re-live, wanting to forget or basing every other loving relationship on, whether it's trying to recapture a moment or
comparing him or her to the first special love. It is not enough to turn around and justify playing with someone's emotions
because "I'm young...I'm immature...I didn't know he or she would take it so badly..." By the age we are when we start dating we
have a moral sense of right and wrong. Leading someone on who thinks your relationship could be "serious" because you need a date whenever you click your fingers is possibly going to cause them damage for the rest of their lives. That is heavy stuff.

Getting serious is also the thing one of us wants to do when it appears that the relationship is breaking down. Person A says: "I want to leave you;" person B replies: "Let's get married." Person B is trying to keep A by expressing a bountiful commitment to the love they have. What B does not realize here is that marriage is the last thing A wants. Relationships always have their highs and lows, experiencing a frequent balance change (i.e. A loves B more one month and the following months sees B love A more). If the balance becomes tremendously out of sync then the option of a "serious" relationship is not the most important aspect to be explored at the currenttime.

So, you are defined with your relationship; you know the boundaries, your "rules,"your limits and, of course, your space; you know your potential as a couple and your love for one another. What exactly does getting "serious" mean? Does it mean wearing those poe-faced masks of our teachers, parents and television presenters? If you walk around thinking you guys are the "it" couple and can barely smile, what is that going to say about your relationship?

In order for a relationship to survive, spontaneity must remain. Intuition must be listened to, romance must play a part and fun must be kept alive.  "Getting serious" will mean different things to different couples because, hey, we are all different!

But how do we know if it's serious? It sounds cliché but it's true: you do just "know."  If you "don't know" then maybe
that's something telling you that this relationship is not meant to be serious for you. Never stop being true to yourself.

A man, although no longer attractive if chauvinistic, is still expected to show a hunter warrior ego to attract the opposite sex and basically because this instinct is innate within him. As feminists say, men are in crisis because women are properly challenging male dominance: “The man controlling his environment is today the prevailing American image of masculinity. A man is expected to prove himself not by being part of society but by being untouched by it, soaring above it.” This is not to say that women shouldn’t challenge it.

What the primitive lords forgot to realise before denouncing the laws of nature is that women are born with brains. So why should using themde-masculinate a man? “The very paradigm (model) of modern masculinity – that it is all about being the master of your own universe- prevents men from thinking their way out of their dilemma”. Thus we have: the commitment phobic who fears women taking control of them and therefore their money; men who want to remain boys because the world isn’t a place which they understand or can control; and men who enjoy the world as it is and don’t want to find the sexy female executive they hook up with turning into their mother.

Since post feminism came into fashion men have had it tough. At least during the feminist movement guys knew not to hold the door open! What do guys do now? Are we to be treated like ladies or ladd-ies? Images of Angelina Jolie, who needs no man because she has lovers, projects the guise of a liberated, young woman. Popular liberated females quite possibly influence men into thinking that all women are like this…porn: distorted reality.

Guys have to remember that every woman is different. Whilst cultures and nations have huge influences on their inhabitants, no woman is the same regardless of whether she has the same hair colour, dress size or weight as another. The energy is totally different, the mind is unique and the spirit is what really attracts you in the long term. It is because every woman is different that every term ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ is different. We all conduct our relationships in very different ways: while the cinema is the perfect choice of date for one couple, the beach is ideal for another; long distance relationships on one hand and age gaps on the other. You don’t have to live up to anything in order to become a ‘boyfriend’ and you don’t have to change anything about yourself. If something about you changes naturally and you like it then you have grown and where is the fear in personal growth and happiness?

References:
1&2:        Faludi, S; “Stiffed. The Betrayal Of The Modern Man”; Chatto &
Windus, London; 1999.

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Scientists have argued love is simply an inherent response to a pheromone induced high.  It’s no more than a chemical reaction; similar to the adrenaline rush you experience when you’re scared.  Philosophers argue love is the driving force around which all of life revolves.  Maybe the answer lies somewhere in between these two extremes. 

Love is as subjective as abstract art.  Each heart that experiences it, interprets in differently, or misinterprets it differently.  It’s made fools of kings and heroes from servants, and there is no denying it’s a force to be reckoned with.  But the true nature of love can and has been argued since the dawn of time. 

There are some that approach love, like all matters of the heart, from an intellectual point.  They tend to analyze the experience and decide based on logic, whether they could be in love.  This approach is based more on an inherent approach, wherein the species instinctually strives towards success and survival.  Others throw themselves into the state of love with reckless abandon.  They inspire prose and poetry about lovers; so intent on one another they’d rather die than be separated. 

As teenagers, we tend to experience love more often, and with a far greater intensity.  It’s a better, unpolluted love, but also an unrealistic love.  At that age we seldom recognize the realties of daily life: bills, children, and work, which so often hinder being in love.   Unfortunately, it’s these first experiences of love we tend to base all proceeding relationships on.  In comparison, all other relationships tend to fall short of the expectations we’ve placed on them.  Many young people develop their own notions of love by watching relationships around them.  This isn’t always the best example to learn from.  Previous generations had and were more accepting of misogynistic views.  Societal views have changed towards women, but it’s important to recognize a healthy relationship first, and then to learn from it.    

Today’s healthy and successful relationships are based on a tenuous balancing act, performed by both partners.  Being single, by its very nature, nurtures a certain amount of narcissism.  You only have yourself to think of, but you have to think a lot about yourself to survive.  Once you’ve entered a relationship, you have to retrain your mind to think of someone else first.  You have to learn to make sacrifices and prioritize.  Maybe you always watch a drama on Friday night TV, but your partner really wants to watch a talk show.  As trivial as it sounds, marriages have ended because one partner won’t surrender the remote control.  Maybe they didn’t stop and ask themselves whether true love was more important than prime time TV, or maybe they did, and the answer was no. 

The message we get from society and the media is:  love is based on romance.   They perpetuate the theory that flowers, romantic walks, and candle lit dinners all lead to happily ever after.  These tokens are a small part of a ritual.  They play an important role in attraction, but unconditional love has to exist once the candles are out and the flowers have wilted.  You have to learn to live with someone when they snore in bed, don’t change the empty toilet paper rolls, and borrow your car without refilling the gas tank.  When you’ve reached a point where you don’t notice these things, but can focus on being with someone daily, then you’re in love.

All your life you've just wanted to be granted more and more independence from your parents.  It's normal; it's great!  Now, why give up your independence for someone who may only have a temporary influence in your life, as fun and perfect as they are right now?  Let's face it:  Some of the best marriages come from give and take, merging two lives into one, BUT that does not mean you have to give your whole being up in the hopes that you'll be able to marry your high school sweetheart and live happily ever after.  This person was drawn to YOU, anyway.  Why dismiss the "you" that brought them to you in the first place?  Even when you do find your Princess/Prince Charming, you will need to retain some level of independence to keep the spice in the relationship and remain desirable to your spouse/partner.

In a new relationship, we're prone to wanting to spend every minute of every day together.  This is fine for a week or so, but be careful or you'll fall into a trap and stay there, giving up your own life to be with this new person.  This is ALWAYS a bad idea.

. You rob yourself of developing your own personalities, hobbies, and passions in a time when you should be focusing on deciding who you want to become.  It's your period of time to be a little self-centered.  You're trying to decide who you are.  With someone else to interfere 24/7, how will you know?

. As mentioned above, you drew this new person to yourself by being "you." If you sell yourself short of that in a relationship, not only will you lose part of your identity, you'll lose the other person's interest as well, because you won't be the same person they fell for.  Where will you be when you go your separate ways?

. Your friends will resent you, either for bringing your guy/girl around every time you get together with them, or for never seeing them (your friends) at all because you're always out with your new significant other. This is a common pet peeve for a lot of teens and young adults.  Everybody knows "that girl" or "that guy" who gave up their social life to be constantly one-on-one with someone else.

. If you cut off contacts you may need later and turn your back on all your friends, and if you need them later, they may not be there for you anymore.  You know the old saying, something like, "Relationships come and go but friends are forever."  Keep that in mind.  Sometimes what seems like the best relationship in the world turns sour--sometimes even abusive (heaven forbid).  You'll need your friends to lean on and get you through the tough times, the break-ups, and the ups and downs of life.

As important as friends are, the person you should worry about most is yourself.  Take yourself out to lunch alone sometimes.  There's nothing more liberating than a novel and endless chips and salsa at a local Mexican restaurant.  Take your homework.  Eat.  Enjoy your own company. Heck, flirt with the waiter/waitress a little (don't cheat on your significant other, but a little harmless flirting won't hurt as long as you keep your phone numbers and email addresses to yourself).

Take up a new hobby that your boyfriend/girlfriend wouldn't be interested enough in to take with you so that you have something to call your own, and accomplishments to go with it.  Whether it's painting or running, you can get to know yourself better and make new friends in the process.

Relationships are fun and they teach us things about ourselves we may have never learned before.  However, don't let one consume you so that you forget who you were prior to dating.  At least once a week, set aside a night to do something apart from your new guy/girl.  Go to your yoga class, paint a portrait, shoot some hoops, or just get together for a movie night with your closest friends.  By maintaining your independence you'll have much higher self-esteem and remain a much more well-rounded person.  You'll thank yourself later when you realize over and over again that you're still capable of standing on your own two feet.

-Crystal Schwanke

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Elizabeth Blevins

The dictionary has several definitions for virginity, most of which are completely misogynistic.  But if you take feminism out of the equation, a virgin is simply someone who hasn’t had sexual intercourse.  The definition of sexual intercourse is a bit more ambiguous.  If a man inserts his penis into a woman’s vagina, this is intercourse, but officially, intercourse is also defined as, “genital contact other than insertion of the penis into the vagina.”  Confused?  Don’t be.

Every society has their own unwritten standards by which they determine virginity.  Certain tribes in Africa will wait outside the hut of a newly married couple, in anticipation of a bloody sheet.  They believe a true virgin will bleed profusely on her wedding night, and the waving of the sheet by the groom is almost considered a status symbol.  If there is no bloody sheet, the tribe assumes the groom mistakenly chose a promiscuous woman, and the marriage will be a failure. 

Americans tend to be a bit more forgiving, and a lot better educated in terms of sexuality.  Traditionally speaking, if the penis doesn’t penetrate the vagina, you are still a virgin.  But keep in mind that virginity is subjective.  Religious standards and old-fashioned morals all have their own set of standards regarding virginity.  Maintaining your virginity doesn’t always mean you aren’t at risk for pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. 

A woman’s vagina has a protective strip of skin called a hymen.  This thin membrane stretches partially across the vaginal opening, and can have one or more natural holes in it.  During intercourse, this hymen is sometimes ripped open, causing the woman to bleed.  The bleeding is usually minimal, but on rare occasions it can be excessive.  This explains the bloody sheet method of determining virginity.  However, modern science has taught us there are other ways the hymen can be opened.  Women today are far more active than they were centuries ago.  Exercise as simple as horseback riding can cause a hymen to break.  So, having a broken or torn hymen doesn’t mean you are no longer a virgin.

Many young girls, determined to hang on to their virginity, will experiment with foreplay, but not intercourse.  Couples will allow their genitals to touch, or allow the man’s penis to enter the vagina a small amount, without going far enough to break the hymen.  This isn’t always the safest action.  When a man is aroused, his penis secretes semen.  It’s a small amount, which slowly oozes from the penis, and is called precum.  Precum actually contains more sperm than semen emitted during ejaculation.  If any amount of precum enters the vagina, you run the risk of becoming pregnant.  You also drastically increase your chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.  If you’re going to experiment in any way, use a condom.  It protects you both from disease, and keeps those pesky sperm away from your eggs.

The way you define virginity is going to be based on your culture, religious background, and own personal set of standards.  People tend to bend the rules and adapt different standards to fit their own sexual lifestyle.  Which is fine, just so long as you always remember to be careful. 

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• Since you will be most likely be sharing the money…

-Does he/she expect you to pay half for EVERYTHING?
-Is he/she unforgivably tight with money or irresponsibly extravagant?
-Does he/she have any outstanding debts that will haunt you both?
-What resources does he/she have to take care of monthly bills?

• Aside from money matters, daily chores can be a stumbling block for many couples…

If you are a female…
-Does he think it’s the ‘woman’s role’ to handle every part of the cooking and
cleaning?
-Will his mother drop in for surprise visits (inspections)?
-Is he a slob?

If you are a male…
-Does she think that trash duty and lawn mowing are the man’s job?
-Is she a neat freak who wants the soup cans organized alphabetically and cross-referenced by color?

Money and chores are among the biggest problems a couple can face but they aren’t the only ones. The following are some of the other concerns you must address before securing your mutual abode.

• Pets: Is he/she allergic to your favorite furry friend? Does he/she hate animals? If you’re an animal lover, the fur will fly if you aren’t ready to make compromises.
• Schedules: Even if you live together, conflicting schedules can leave very little time for lovin’. Be sure to compare schedules and pencil in time with your partner.
• Sleep: Sharing a bed for more than sex can be an intimate, beautiful experience or a terrible wake-up call. Does he/she snore? Drool? Toss and turn? Is he/she a night owl or an early bird?

-If you have never slept a full night with your partner, schedule a sleep-over and give it a test-run. Better safe than sorry. You’ll want to know what else to expect between the sheets.

No matter how much you love your significant other and are dying to live with them, be aware that a bad roommate can quickly turn into a bad partner, so do the homework carefully or you could end up homeless and (dare I say?) SINGLE!

--Brandi Watters

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For women, it seems that the first few months are a time of sexual power and intrigue. Learning that her sexuality is an asset, she takes pleasure in the pursuit of a good man (or woman). After a few months, this type of baiting is no longer needed since she’s already caught the fish. She’s explored every inch of his/her body and is satisfied with what she sees. During this stage, a typical girl will then want to learn about the person inside the body. Your partner may notice that you’ve begun exploring deeper conversation topics during this time and some do not like it. This is a real ‘make or break’ stage for a couple because everyone shows their true colors. 

 For men, the first few months of a relationship are like cloud nine. Meeting a new and exciting girl (or boy) is like exploring a new country. They are excited and scared and turned on and confused. Fear of intimacy is a big issue with many men so after the sex has slowed down, many jump ship.

Once sex is no longer the issue of anxiety and frustration, intimacy takes its place. This is when you find out if your partner is in it for the long haul. Even if you’ve established that you are both interested in one another’s thoughts as well as genitalia, sex can still seem monotonous. You’ve seen all there is to see and touched all there is too touch. Just remember, this is still the same person who made you drool all those months ago-but your perception of them has changed. They are no longer a sexual object or conquest. He/She is a thinking, feeling person.

If you need to spice things up a bit, jot down a list of fantasies you’ve always had and share them with your partner. Express your concern about the sexual relationship and ask them to share their concerns as well. Having sex in different places is one way to spice up your sex life, but try to be as creative as possible without breaking any laws.

Just remember, this is a natural stage in your relationship and you will make it through if you’re both fully invested in the relationship. Communication is the key to solving this dilemma so don’t be afraid to openly divulge every bit of your desires to your leading lady/fella.

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Look at the stats:

Out of 100 married people asked, 22 said they married their high school sweetheart. Out of those 22, 17 divorced. 51% of teen marriages will end in divorce before the age of 24. Now, don't get depressed. Teen relationships are vital to your social life. They will teach you things about yourself and others. You will learn how to respect yourself, how to get respect; they will teach you how to have confidence in who you are, rather than act a part to catch someone only to lose them when they find out you lied or worst lose yourself to the lie. But most of all they will prepare you for the person who you will never want to let go.

Relationships in your teens are about fun and enjoying the last years of your youth.  Take it from a mid-twenty something, being an adult with the pressure of relationships is difficult and harsh. Your life is no longer yours. You juggle work, bills, car maintenance, a social life, and all the other expectations being an adult require. Enjoy being free to have fun and don't let yourself get caught up in worrying whether a relationship will last. It probably won't, but you will be a better person who ends up learning something from each relationship, and applying it to finding the one relationship that will by far be the best relationship you never thought to imagine.

Good luck.

--Kira-Leigh Johnson

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Suppose your partner has an oddly shaped body. You have strong feelings for him or her, but at the same time, you wish there was some way for your partner to hide his or her flaw. You could convince him or her to wear clothes that conceal the flaw, but the key to accepting your partner's flaws is to deal with your partner's flaws. Even if you have a problem with your partner's flaws, whether you're embarrassed by it and are worried about what other people will think about you for being involved with your mate, don't bring attention to your partner's flaws in a negative manner. Chances are that he or she has a problem with his or her own flaw and might be trying to deal with it just as you are.

Suppose your partner has bad breath. You don't want to be insulting by offering gum or telling him or her about it because you know he or she will feel offended. Maybe you are the type to do those things because you are your partner's friend and feel that he or she should know. A way to accept a flaw of this nature is to talk to your partner, being careful not to offend him or her.

Accepting your partner's flaws by talking about it is good. Talking will help you understand your partner more and accepting the flaws will be easy to do. There's a big difference between talking and taunting. You can point out a flaw to your partner by being honest and not saying it negatively. It's easy to accept your partner's flaws if you show compassion for your partner. If your partner senses that you are bringing attention to his or her flaws in a negative light, he or she will be prone to distance him or herself from you and tension will emerge.

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