I am no longer going to be using my tabmail account, and have a new email account (which I have also changed in the email/contact page)
My new contact e-mail is
JesikaBeth@gmail.com
Have a great night !!
So I have decided to explore the field of life coaching. I am currently in the process of enrolling in a course that trains and certifies/accredits people as life coaches. Ofcourse, this is just the beginning of a rather long journey.
My life coaching myspace page is
www.myspace.com/authenticpathways
So, I was cleaning out some drawers the other day and going through old boxes, and I came accross one of my old journals, which was the one I used while doing IOP .. In this exercise we did during IOP. We all came up with a lengthy list of why we hold onto our eating disorders (that had nothing to do with weight/body) I remember doing this in group that day, and being shocked and perplexed that we compiled such a long list, afterall it's easy to get caught up in the "weight of it" rather then to dig deep below the surface I thought I'd share the list with you and then below the list give you the flip side of it now. I figured this if anything is really interesting, and as each of you have some tie to eating disorders, I thought maybe you'd find it interesting as well.. Plus, I've been feeling rather... Contemplative lately about my past and my present ... The reasons why I held onto my ED are in RED (and what is next to it is the here/now) REASONS I HELD ONTO MY ED (in no particular order) *Gets Attention/Nuture [ Today I get nuture from my parents, the kids in my class, my girlfriend, but most of all myself ] * Makes Me Feel Special/Unique [I know I am special and unique b/c I am ME. As the quote goes "Just Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Taken"] * Gives Me Power & Control [It Was SO false that sense of power/control.. Something about true power and control is that is usually is not associated with intense feelings of uncertainty. And while in the ED I was always uncertain.. Completely illogical] * Acts as a Security Blanket [The struggle was familiar. But it wasn't secure.] * Gets Me Out Of Being Accountable To Myself as An Adult (i.e., don't have to grow up) [Yes it did do all of that.. But Unfortunately I didn't have a say as to how far down the scale my lack of accountability went and the consequences that would result. Today the pieces of that part of my life are finally coming together]* Fills a Void [For all of two seconds it did.. But a void is not filled if you are continuously trying to fill it twenty-four-seven, today I feel more fufilled then ever. In many aspects of life, and it has nothing do with how "empty or full" I am]* If I'm Thin, I'm Accepted [Yes & No.. Unfortunately society is screwed up and ignorant in this respect. I cannot control what society says. Society doesn't have to live my life, I do.. So I mine as well be accepting of myself, b/c that is what matters. Today I am!] * Gives Me A Sense of Confidence [I realized how much inner strength it took to continue the cycle of an eating disorder.. It took alot of energy, the only thing was in recovery I fueled the energy in a constructive - not destructive - way] * A Way For Me To Be Rebellious [The only one I was rebelling against was myself really.. Which didn't work and was no fun, b/c that was not necessarily my point. Today if I want to be rebellious I'll do something totally random]* A Way To Communicate My Feelings [It's amazing how much better vocal communication is.. Even today when I am assertive and communicate, I get all proud of myself b/c it's pretty easy, and it sure helps make life alot less stressful and serene] * Provides Friendship/Companionship [Someone once said to me, if your best friend treated you the way ED does, would you stay friends with him/her? If your best friend tried to kill you, would you hold onto the friendship? Um yea, my answer was no too.. Today I may not have a whole lot of friends, but the ones I do are good, and we communicate and are there for one another. Plus, I like me, so even when I'm alone, I am very relaxed and at peace and feel a sense of companionship] * Provides Self of Self/Identity [Obviously.. This entire list was my identity, it took a while and alot of creativity to change my perceptions, and develop *ME* as a person, not me as a eating disorder sufferer] * Shelds/Protects From Uncomfortable & Scary Feelings [Feeling is a part of being human. If we can't feel - then we not only lose out on the uncomfortable feelings, but we lose out on ALOT of amazing feelings too. Today the amazing feelings far surpass any uncomfortable feelings, and when those uncomfortable feelings pop up, that's when I use the coping mechanisms I have adapted into my being]* Provides Relief/Release [ Having true release doesn't usually entail something occupying your mind even when you are sleeping.. Yet another lie Ed tries to tell.. Release is tricky, but I have found that when I need release I need to get physically active. Kickboxing works wonders! Also writing or venting with great emotion works]* Provides Distraction [Along the same lines as release.. Doesn't Work .. Lots of good things to really provide distraction.. This is where learning about things I liked come into play. Crafts, hobbies, etc.] * Provides Hope Of Someone Rescuing/Saving Me [Again, never worked.. Infact the opposite happened.. Today I know that I have the strength within me to help myself with any life tribulations that may occur, and if I need help then I have a support system that is healthy - friends, internet, etc.] * Provides an Easy Excuse (I can't because I'm sick) [I find that I very rarely say "I can't" in a lie anymore.. Today I am usually up for things, because I have that.. zest for life back. And if I just don't want to, then I will usually just say so] * Provides an Reason To Neglect Self Care [It's amazing how even when you feel bad how much better you can feel with some good self care/TLC .. It gives back some positive healthy control, even in the worst of times] * Serves as a Punishment [I "punished" myself for almost sixteen years, for things that were not even a logical base for being "punished" .. It wasn't like I was a serial killer or something, I was just a wounded human being... That deserved nuture, not punishment]* Serves as an Escape From Being a Woman [Ah, this is two part.. For one, being woman, and for two, it was to not face my sexuality... This took me a while, but once I faced both, and embraced them.. It has been amazing!]
