• A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.  When he's finished, he takes out a pistol, fires it at the ceiling and gets up to leave.  The owner of the bar steps in front of him and demands to know what's going on.  The panda takes out a badly punctuated wildlife manual, gives it to the owner and says "I'm a panda.  Look it up."  After he's gone, the owner looks up "panda" in the book and reads "Panda.  Eats, shoots and leaves."
  -Tigress

• A frog goes into a bank, hops up onto the desk and says to the teller, "My name is Kermit Jagger, and I need a loan to build a swimming pool."  The teller, whose name is Patricia Whack, looks confused and says, "I'm not sure about this.  We don't normally give loans to frogs."   The frog nods and says, "Well, here, I can give you this as collateral," and pulls out a little ceramic elephant.  By now the teller is very confused and says, "Well, let me talk to my manager."  She goes to the manager and explains the situation.  "...And now he's given me this elephant as collateral!  I don't get it!"  The manager smiles and says...
  "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack.  Give the frog a loan.  His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
  -Tigress

• A mans birthday was on 5/5/55 and his lucky number was 5. So he goes to a horse race and there was a winning horse whos number was 5 and he looked at his banking acount and he had $5,000. he went to went to make a bet and said, "I'm betting on number 5." And the horse of course was in 5th place.
  -Castalia

• Knock, knock

  Who's there?

  Interrupting Cow

  Interrupting cow-

  Mooooo!!!
  -Ithillium

• A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
  -Diancecht

• Q: What did George Washington say to his men before crossing the Delaware?
  A: Get in the boat.
  -Rumpleteazer

• A couple who ran a pub had a very old dog. Eventually it died and they decided to bury it in the pub garden. Just before the man started filling in the hole, his wife decided she wanted something to remember Fido by, so they cut off his tail and put it in a jar of vodka which they placed behind the bar. One night as they were clearing up, a terrible storm broke. There was a flash of lightening, a crash of thunder, and the doors of the pub burst open. In came the ghost of the dog. It stalked over to the bar, put it's paws up on the counter, and said. "I waaant my taiiil. I waaant my taiiil." The man looked at it and replied, "I'm sorry, but we're not allowed to retail spirits after 11 o'clock."

• The blonde was driving down the motorway when she got a call from her friend. "Be careful. I've just seen the news. There's a woman driving on the wrong side of the motorway."
  The response came back, "One? There's hundreds of them!"

• Q: Why did the jellicle cross the junkyard?
  A: To get to the Heaviside layer.
  -Puddycat

• Q: Why did Grizabella cross the road?
  A: So she could have the memory of being run over.
  -Puddycat

• At the female dorms at a college, there were 3 bathroom stalls with doors and one without. One morning, a student went in to find that someone had written about the doored stalls "John 1, John 2, John 3" and above the one without the door, "Revelations."
  -Misty

• Little Timmy was having so much trouble in math. His parents did everything they could for him. They tried to help with his homework, they hired a tutor for him, they switched schools, but nothing worked. Timmy was terrible at math! So finally, Timmy's parents sent him to a Catholic school one year. And for the first semester or so, Timmy did nothing but study. He'd come home from school, go straight up to his room, and study. He'd come down for dinner, but right afterward, he'd go back up to do some more studying. His parents were a bit concerned, but they couldn't tell him not to study, right?
  When Timmy's mom got his first semester's report card in the mail, she was astounded to find that Timmy had gotten an A in math! Thrilled, she called Timmy down and asked, “Timmy, what made you want to work so hard?”
  Timmy said, “Well, when I saw that guy kneeling down to the big plus sign in the lobby, I knew they weren't kidding!
  -Michelle

• A blonde wanted some alligator-skin boots, so she went to see where she could get some. As she was walking down the street, she saw a vendor' booth.
  Vendor: Hello, ma'am! How can I help you?

  Blonde: I'm looking for some alligator skin boots.

  Vendor: I have some right here. Only ten dollars, too.

  Blonde: Hmm...that's ok, I think I'll look somewhere else. These aren't the kind I want.

  Vendor: Well, have a nice day anyways.

  Later, the vendor was walking home from work and saw the same blonde, standing knee-deep in a river. She pointed a shotgun at an alligator about 10 ft away and killed it, then dragged it onto the shore, where there were already about 15 dead alligators.

  Vendor: ???

  Blonde: Damn! This one doesn't have any boots on, either!

  -Eponine

• Cats Joke! Q: Which cat would teach English at school?
  A: Grizabella the Grammar Cat!
  -Zazzie

• Matt's birthday is November 20. He gets a birthday present: a talking parrot. He loves the bird, and teaches it all kinds of words. But eventually, the parrot just won't shut up! It does nothing but curse all day long! Matt tries all the reccomended disciplinary techniques for parrots, but finally gives up and shuts the parrot in the freezer. He hears it squawk nonstop for about five minutes. Then all is quiet. Afraid that he's killed the bird, Matt slowly opens the freezer door. The parrot calmly walks out and says, "I am very sorry for the way I have been behaving. It will never happen again. By the way, what did the turkey do?"
  -Callum

• What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?
  Their color.
  What did Tarzan say when he saw an elephant?
  “Look, it's an Elephant!”
  What did Jane say when she saw an elephant?
  “Look, it's a plum!” (Jane was colorblind.)
  from Gamivair

• True story:
  I was playing “Munchkin” (a card game designed to be like an RPG) with my brother. Usually, he wins. However, today, I beat him by three levels (a considerable feat for a munchkin like me). In triumph, I announced, “Ha! I beat your ass!”
  Not one to be easily defeated, he countered, with a straight face, “No, you actually sort of scathed the left buttock...”

• Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
  A: Anyone can roast beef...
  -Mr. A

• Q: How do you make a hormone?
  A: Don't pay her!
  -Kevin (yeah, I know, it's an awful joke...)

• A blonde is being interviewed for a job, and she thinks it's going well, until she gets this really hard question from the interviewer: “How many D's are there in 'Indiana Jones'?” Needless to say, the blonde is stumped. She thinks really hard, starts counting to herself, and finally asks for a calculator. After crunching numbers for about five minutes, she proudly answers, “Thirty-six!”
  The interviewer, completely puzzled, responds by asking, “And where, pray tell, did you come up with 36?”
  The blonde starts singing, “du du du DU, du du du....” [The Indiana Jones theme song!]
  -Kelly

• A guy walks out of a bar, and sees the strangest thing he ever say in his life: there is a lady dressed all in black, looking very somber, walking a rather fierce looking pit bull, followed by a line of about one hundred people, followed by two funeral cars. The guy walks up to her and says, “I know this might not be a good time to ask this, but who died?”
  The lady responds, “My husband. My dog killed him.”
  The guy grimaces, and says, “Oh, I'm sorry. Who's in the other car?”
  The lady says, “His mom. She was killed when she tried to save my husband and the dog turned on her.”
  The guy, who has some enemies, asks, “Um, could I borrow your dog?”
  The lady says, “Get in line.”
  -Heather

• Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
  -Heather

• This one really happened:
  My little brother and I take turns clearing the table and washing the dishes after dinner. One night, it was my turn, but I had already cleaned up from lunch, so Mom said she'd help me to compensate. Little bro' was annoyed that I was getting help, so I asked him, “Well, if it was you, would you clean up by yourself?!” He promptly answered yes and departed to the kitchen, taking his dishes with him. Annoyed, I muttered under my breath, “Self-righteous little freshman...” (because he is!)
  From the kitchen, he called back, “Hey, I heard that!”
  Not believing him, I retorted, “Well what did I say?”
  “I don't know, I just heard it!” was the answer.

• All right, this one actually happened:
  I was telling my friend Matt that I have my own website, saying that it's called “Randomninity.” He then gave me a really weird look, like I was crazy or something. I thought he just thought it was a really weird title. I found out the next day that he thought I had said, “Random Nudity.”

• -Knock knock
  -Who's there?
  -Nature
  -Oh, shoot!
  from Mystitat

• When life gives you lemons, ask for tequila and salt.
  -William

• Bill and Bob, two old retired baseball players, sat together on a bench. One day, Bill said to Bob, “Do you think there's baseball in heaven?” Bob shrugged, and they just went on sitting there, enjoying each other's company.
  A week later, Bill died. Bob went to his funeral, and grieved for him. To remember his friend, he kept sitting on that same old bench every day. One day when he was sitting there, the ghost of Bill came back to him and sat next to him! Bob shouted, “Bill, how've you been.”
  Bill said, “Oh, I'm fine. But I have good news and bad news.”
  “What is it?” Bob asked.
  Bill said, “The good news is that there's baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you're up next Tuesday.”
  from Scott

• Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
  A: He wanted to get to the other slide!
  from Mystitat

• Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
  A: He didn't have any guts!
  from William

• You go into a round restaurant and the waiter brings you to a table and gives you a menu. You look at the menu for a moment, and order escargot. In a little while, the waiter brings you back a plate of chicken, and you send it back because it doesn't have enough spice. Suddenly, the lights go out. When they come back on, the person at the table next to you is dead. The waiter says, “I couldn't have done it: I was waiting tables.” The janitor says, “I couldn't have done it: I was sweeping in the corners.” The cook says, “I couldn't have done it: I was cooking the food.” Whodunit?
  Answer: the janitor, because there aren't any corners in a round restaurant!
  from Blake

• Dogs come when they're called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
  from yukrus

• The tomato family was walking down the street one day. Baby tomato was lagging behind a little, so Papa tomato walked back to him, stepped on him, and said, “Ketchup.”
  from Mr. Swett (yeah, that's his real name...)

• A man walked into a hotel. He went up to the front desk and asked for a room for the night. The hotel clerk said, “I'm sorry, we're booked for the night. The only room left is the haunted room.”
  “That's okay,” said the man. “I'm not afraid of anything.” He went up to his room, put on his pj's, and went to sleep.
  But in the middle of the night he was awoken by a voice saying, “I've gotcha where I wantcha, and now I'm gonna eatcha!” The man ran out the room screaming. (apparently he was afraid of some things.)
  The next day another man came into the same hotel and said to the hotel clerk, “I'd like a room for the night.”
  The hotel clerk said, “I'm sorry, the only room left is the haunted room.”
  The man replied, “That's okay, I'm not afraid of anything.”
  He went up to his room, put on his pj's, and went to sleep. But in the middle of the night, he was awoken by a strange voice saying, “I've gotcha where I wantcha, and now I'm gonna eatcha!”
  The man ran out into the night screaming. (apparently he was afraid of some things.)
  The next night a woman went into the hotel and said to the hotel clerk, “I'd like a room for the night.”
  The hotel clerk said, “I'm sorry, all we have left is the haunted room.”
  The woman replied, “That's okay, I'm not afraid of anything.” She went up to her room, put on her pj's, and went to bed, but she too was awoken by the voice. However, she was in fact, not afraid of anything, and tried to determine the source of the noise. She found it to be the closet, and when she opened the door, there was....
  A little boy with a booger on his finger.
  from Samantha and Alex

• I played a blank tape at full blast last night. The mime next door went crazy.
  stolen from Readers' Digest

• Q: What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?
  A: It was an udder disaster!
  from Amanda (my boss, so please think it's funny!)

• Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!
  from Mystitat

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