QueensDestiny

Seven years ago, my brother Shawn took his own life with a shot gun to his abdominal

area while sitting in his car. He was a John Doe over night at the Tulsa, Okla Medical Examiners office.

It wasn't until that following morning my mother received a phone call from the police

to tell her they think her son killed himself, and he is at the Medical Examiners Office.

(My mother works at a well known Funeral Home in Tulsa, Okla. and the police

put two and two together). I then received a phone call from my sister Shelli that morning

on my way to a work a funeral. Once I received the call, then I left work shortly after,

then had to tell my oldest sister Shari in person at her work.

That was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Later that evening,

 my sister and I left to go see my brother in a casket for the last time in the flesh.

I still can't believe he is gone, and it has been 7 years, sometimes it feels like

it was just yesterday when all this took place in our lives.

My brother had a lot to deal with in his life. He was gay, he was hooked on drugs

(cocaine, heroin, and many other drugs), he was a weak soul when it came to

making decisions, and living life. He couldn't cope with the pressures in life.

He turned to drugs to cope with STUFF, and now look where he is, he is gone from this life,

and from my family. He was only 26 when he took his own life.

When he took his life, he took a part of his families lives too. There were many times

that my family was at the local Crisis Center getting him help. There were times

when we had to go to the local jails because of his drug addiction (getting pulled over,

and finding needles, and other stuff in his car). My brother was such a lost soul,

and when he was on those drugs he was another person.

A person that was not nice to be around when he would come down from his high.

When he started shooting up with Cocaine and Heroin that was when we LOST our brother,

he was not the Shawn we knew, he was a selfish, selfcenter, all about him,

and thought everybody was out to get him one way or another. He couldn't go one day

without shooting up, and when we found out he was doing this to himself

(track marks on his arms, and inner thighs), we tried and tried to get him some help.

When he would finally listen to us, then he would finally go into the Crisis Center

for 3 days to a week.

He would then stay with one of us after he would get out to live in the real world,

and then soon he would go back to his ways with his drugs. He lost everything

with his addiction, there were times when he was living out of his car,

and his suitcases were trash bags. Our family was told to do the "tough love"

and that was hard to do, especially when you get a call in the middle of the night,

telling you that your brother needs help, and he is hallucinating, and out of control.

That was the last time I got in my vehicle, and drove 5 hours to help him.

Once we calmed him down, and convinced him we were not going to hurt him,

we are here to help him, then we finally got him to the Crisis Center again.

While cleaning out his car prior to going to the Crisis Center he had the used needles everywhere.

My brother made sure he cleaned out his car, because with him sharing needles

with people over the years, and being messed up while having unsafe sex,

he was infected with HIV, then the HIV proceeded to AIDS.

He did not want us to take the chance of getting pricked by a used needle.

My heart broke more and more everytime seeing my little brother going through this in his life.

Shortly after this last episode with his drug addiction that was when we received

our last phone call about my brother. That day was when I turned to God, and I asked him

to help me understand, and I wanted to make sure that my brother was with Him.

Soon after my brother's funeral I received a call from a dear friend letting me know

about this lady that could help me. That was when my whole life changed spiritually,

and I got to communicate with my brother. Everything that I have been taught

growing up by ministers, family members, and people in general, that you would go to hell

over several things in life. Well let's just say that with everything that my brother

did in his short life; he has a child with a woman, he was gay, he did drugs, he had AIDS,

he was confused, he was a lost soul, he was a weak soul, he could not deal with decisions,

judgements, and could not deal with the World.

Today I can tell you that my brother is serving the LORD, and is a part of my life

and my families life to be with us during our journey's, and adventures.

He is my Angel now, and he is all around me, and when I need him,

I call upon him to be with me, and to help me. So when someone tells me, or

I hear someone talking about God and hell, they have no idea what they are talking about,

until they actually talk with GOD themselves, and know in their Heart and soul that what they are saying is the TRUTH!

Ican say this is the TRUTH with my life!

Here is one situation that my brother and I dealt with growing up that many deal with today.

My brother and I were saved at the same time when we were in Middle School

at the First Baptist Church in Jay, Okla.. My mother would always harp on us later on in life,

that we were going to hell because of our lifestyle. I know for a fact that my brother

did not go to hell, and that all these ministers that do not know Christ

from their Heart and Soul are sending out the wrong messages to people.

I then found out that all this time growing up, my mother was all about her reputation,

and what others thought about her in town, along with being judgemental.

I lost my brother, due to him thinking that living a gay lifestyle was wrong in our Society,

while he couldn't deal with the pressures, and lies all around him,

it really messed with his head and his life. I can truly, honestly say that each individual

that is dealing with judgement in this world with anything they do, then ask God

to show you the way, and not listen to others. There are others around you that are all about

them and not YOU. Only YOU and GOD knows what is right and wrong in his eyes.

How can something be so wrong when you do it out of LOVE? God is all about LOVE,

and Satan is all about Evil. Drugs are Evil, and Alcohol is Evil when it turns into

excessiveness and takes over your life. There are certain drugs in this World

that it only takes that one time to become excessive with them, and YOU just have

to be the stronger soul to walk away and not be tempted.

Just like an alcoholic, don't be around temptation if you are weak because temptation

will get the best of you, and life is to precious to lose over drugs or alcohol.

I love to have a good time drinking with my friends. There are times we get a buzz

and have a good time or there have been nights that we drank way too much

while having a good time. Now if I did that day in and day out, then that is Evil, and excessive.

I don't have to have a drink to deal with things in life, and I sure in the hell don't do

harsh drugs or don't even want to be around them. I have smoked some pot,

but it's something I did once in a blue moon with friends. I always talk with God and thank him

for giving me the strength not to be a weak soul, and to stand strong with temptation

when it's around me. Especially when I was younger and didn't know any better,

and it was the thing to do with your friends to have fun. I could have lived the life that my brother lived,

but I chose not to, because that one time could be the last time. It only takes one time

to get hooked or to die! There were times with me drinking and having fun that I got behind

the steering wheel when I shouldn't have been driving, and I have been blessed that my angels

were watching over me and others around me. I have grown since then, and I am responsible,

and my friends are responsible. 24 and I have put this web-site together while enjoying

some beers and tequila. We are responsible drinkers, not excessive drinkers, and

excessive drinking is not the way to go. We put this web-site together out of pure fun,

and many social good times together with friends around us. The times we are together,

we are kicking back and having a few beers with a shot of Tequila to celebrate the good times.

When we met at FanFair I bought her a shot of Tequila, and we had several beers together,

and that is how we started our Web-site over time. Life is all about LOVE, having fun, being responsible, growth, and believing spiritaully that there is a HIGHER POWER.

God is my strength, guidance, hope, faith, and wisdom. My brother reminds me what drugs,

and excessiveness can do to a soul. There is so much in life to appreciate, and to

accomplish sober with having a clear mind to tackle your journey with many adventures

in your lifetime here on this Earth. To make a difference in this World and to help others

know they are not alone, and not to worry about being judged by family, friends or souls on this Earth.

Only focus on being judged by GOD because that is the ONLY one that counts in this life to live Eternal Life with Him, and in paradise forever and ever!
Hopefully that gives you some information, faith, and hope to find YOURSELF and to have

YOUR relationship with God, and to know what it is He has in store for YOU in this life,

and not worry to be judged by others only to worry about being judged by GOD!

That is how I live day to day..... God is my POWER, STRENGTH, TRUTH, PEACE, HONESTY,

and my TRUE FRIEND that I can always count on and TRUST. HE will never forsake me, ever!!!!

If you have the question like I did, how do you talk to GOD, and hear him?

You meditate by yourself, and to meditate is like worrying. So use your energy

about worrying over something you are worrying about, and bring that worry into meditation,