For those who are familiar with my works on Fanfiction.Net  probably know this fic.

Ever heard of the Reduced Shakespeare Company? Well, they have this show called The Complete Works of W. Shakespeare - abridged. And I morphed it into the DBZ version. Not much has changed, actually it's nearly the same, except for our three great performers: Vegeta, Goku and Krillin!

The reason why I post this here is because Fanfiction.Net has banned it from the site since it was a script. And until I find the courage to transform it into a normal story, read it here.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own DBZ or The Complete Works of W. Shakespeare.

Enjoy!

Part I

Crowd -  (goes silent as Krillin appears on the stage)

Krillin – Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The complete works of William Shakespeare’. I will now share a few brief announcements. Any recording of this show, video or audio, is prohibited, by author rights. Also, please do refrain from eating, driking or smoking anything in the theatre. Now please take the time to locate exits nearest your seats. (points to the six exits) If the theatre should experience a sudden loss of pressure… (pulls out oxygen-mask) Oxygen-masks will fall from the ceiling. Quite simply place the masks over your mouth and nose and continue breathing normally. If you should be accompanied by a smaller child, put on your own mask first and let the little bugger fend for himself.

Crowd – (laughs)

Younger crowd – (looks horror-struck)

Krillin – (puts away oxygen mask grinning evily at the children on the front road) At this time I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Krillin Dawson, and I will be one of your hosts for tonight. As far now I’d also like to introduce my partner, who has the most experience. He actually read a book about William Shakaspeare people!

Crowd – (gasps)

Krillin – No kidding. Anyway, meet Mr. Vegeta Briefs!

(Vegeta walks up on stage, book under his left arm. He and Krillin shake hands.)

Vegeta – Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. (breathes in deeply) Ah, William Shakespeare. Poet, author, actor, philosipher. But what do we really know about him?

Crowd – (silent)

Vegeta – Well, not enough! I’d like to let a poll go around the crowd at this moment, Bob can I get some house-lights please?

House-lights – FLASH!

Vegeta – (looks around the theatre satisfied) Ahh, yes… Okay, let me ask you a question. How many of you have ever seen or read any of Shakespeare’s plays? Any play at all? You…

Crowd – (all raise hands)

Vegeta – (turns pale and runs to Krillin) We gotta get out of here! These people know more about it than we do!

Krillin – Calm down! They don’t know our Shakespearian plays, alright? Just – just narrow it down a bit.

Vegeta – (looks at the crowd terrified, ajusts his tie and walks back on stage) Let’s see if we can narrow it down a bit, shall we? Who of you has seen ‘All’s well that ends well’?

Crowd – (less people raise hand)

Vegeta - (grins satisfied) Thought so, puh. You people make me sick. And who of you have seen ‘King Richard’?

Goku – (raises hand proudly)

Vegeta – (looks at him) Yeah right.

Goku – (lowers hand again)

Vegeta – Ha! Thought so! Let he who is free from sin…

Extremely young crowd who makes everyone wonder what the fuck they’re doing in a show like that – (smile sweetly)

Vegeta – (swallows) Live in a glass house! Back to you Krillin!

Krillin – (walks back up, oxygen mask in one hand, grinning widely)

Young crowd – Angst.

Krillin – Now, I’d like to introduce the third member who will be entertaining you today with his lamy crappy jokes and imbecility, Goku Son.

Goku – (runs up the stage cheerfully) Hi everyone! As you can see I’m not realy an audience-member, I completely fooled you.

Crowd – (silent)

Crickets – Kree-kree-kree!

Baby – (wails)

Goku – (clears throat) Right… Well, before we begin I’d like to tell you a few things about William Shakespeare. (pulls out huge amount of cards) William Shakespear was born in blah-blah-blah (Queen Luana: Like anyone cares right?) Raised in blah-blah-blah and blah-blah-blah. Married the daughter of a German… (raises eyebrow and pulls out next card) … catholic member. (pulls out next card, raises eyebrow again) Uh… Shakespeare invaded Poland in 1939, thus referring to the beginning of World War 2. (looks at Krillin) I never knew that!

Krillin – (shakes head sadly)

Goku – (looks at next card) He comit suicide with his mistress Eva Perone… (looks at final card) Both are burried at the Stratford church-yard. That’s all I know!

Stupid crowd – (cheers loudly)

Goku – Thank you very much! (waves and leaves the stage)

Krillin – Thank you very much, Goku who I so totally do not know at all! (shudders) Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, without further delay, we are proud to present The Complete works of William Shakespeare – ABRIDGED! (runs off)

(Krillin, Goku & Vegeta walk on stage, all wearing white shirts and knee-hight knickerbockers)

Vegeta – Where else to begin than in Verona, with Shakespeare’s most beloved characters, Romeo and Julliet.

Krillin – (chuckling) Of course, it would be silly and nearly impossible to perform ‘Romeo and Julliet’ with three actors.

All – (laugh mockingly)

Krillin – That’s why we’ll do it-

All – (raise two fingers) -with two.

Lights – DIM!

Spotlight – FLASH ON VEGETA!

Vegeta – (sitting in a chair holding a glass of wine) Life is just a play, and the men are mere players. But one man in his time plays many parts. Ah, how true…

Goku – (looks confused) Guh?

Vegeta – Don’t even bother trying to understand. Krillin and ahem Goku…

Goku – (smiles happily)

Vegeta – Did I say Goku? I mean, Kakarot…

Goku – (smile fades)

Vegeta – Will be playing the entire cast of Romeo and Julliet. Normally beginning with the prologue, but since nobody really cares… We’ll just go ahead with the first scene. Two men, Benvolio and Samson, meet on the street, their hatred fueled by an ancient feud, for one serves capulet, the other montagued…

(Goku and Krillin walk up on each side of the, singing merely. They spot each other and stop.)

Goku & Krillin – (point at each other in an insulting way) Oh no it’s him! (lean over to the audience) Hate his family, hate his dog, hate ‘em all! (turn back to each other, fake smile and bow)

(Both walk as if to pass each other when Krillin suddenly bites his thumb. Goku stomps him.)

Goku – (angrily) Do you bite your thumb at me sir?

Krillin – No sir, I do but bite my thumb at you, sir.

Goku – Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?

Krillin – (grabs Goku at his collar) I do not bite my thumb at you sir, but I do bite my thumb, do you quarell sir?

Goku – (releases himself) Quarell sir? No, sir.

Krillin – Well, if you do sir, I am for you. I serve as good a man as you.

Goku – (laughs mockingly and both walk away) No better?

Krillin – (stops and grines) Yes, better.

Goku – (clenches fists in anger) Ooooh… (turns to Krillin angrily pointing at him) YOU LIE!

(Both run at each other and start slapping each other in the face.)

Goku – (raises his hands victorious) MONTAGUE! (rans after Krillin who runs off screaming) I’LL KILL YOU, YOU EVIL LEPRICHAUN!

Queen Luana – Don’t steel lines from Kick-me-sign. Besides, I already mentioned before Krillin is tall in my fics.

Goku – (hesitates) COME HERE YOU EVIL ELF!

Krillin – ELF?! GAAAAAH!

(Both run off stage, screams are heard and suddenly a human-like doll wearing Krillin’s clothes is thrown upon the stage.)

Goku – (twisting the doll’s arm) Ah! I’m twisting your arm! I’m really hurting you!

Krillin – (comes up wearing crown and cape) Rebelious subjects!

Goku – (looks up frightened) Oh no, it’s the prince!

Krillin – (picks up doll) Enemies of the peace, profaners of this neighbour staned steal. You, capulet, shall come with me. (looks at Goku) Benvolio, come you this afternoon, to know our further pleasure in this meeting. (goes off and smacks the doll accidently against a pilar) Oops, sorry!

Goku – Cool, dinner party!

Vegeta – (clears his throat and pours in another glass of wine)

Goku – Oh yeah! Where oh where is Romeo? Saw you him today? Right glad I am, he was not at this fray. But look he comes!

Krillin – (runs up with rose in his mouth)

Female audience – (whistle)

Queen Luana – (kills them all with machine gun) He’s mine!

Krillin – (happy grine)

Vegeta – (looks horror-struck and tosses away the wine-glass and drinks the entire bottle)

Goku – (drools)

Crowd – (silent)

Goku – Uh… lines?

Vegeta – (smiles drowsily)

Krillin – Uh, you sure that’s wine, Vegeta?

Vegeta – (looks at him confused) Wine?

Krillin – (grabs bottle) YOU FREAKIN IDIOT YOU’RE DRINKING ANTIFREEZE!

Vegeta – (drools)

Goku – (happily) He looks like me.

Young crowd member – Get on with the show!

Krillin – (pulls out oxygen-mask)

Young crowd member – Ieps!

Queen Luana – (snaps fingers in front of Vegeta’s face)

Vegeta – Blue is a color.

Spotlight – FLASH ON VEGETA!

Vegeta – (holding a bucket) Y-Yeah, sor-ry for the uh intermission… I had to get my uh – stomach – uh… You get the idea, right? Let’s get on with the show.

Spotlight – FLASH OUT!

Vegeta - (barfs)

Krillin – Yeah, so we’re taking off at the part part where Romeo arrives on the stage, okay?

Goku – Romeo, I’ll know his grievance will be much denied! Good morning, coz.

Krillin – Is the day yet young?

Goku – (raising seven fingers) But new struck nine!

Krillin – Ay me! Sad hours seem long!

Goku – (dancing around with Krillin) What sadness lengthens Romeo’s hours?

Krillin – No having that which makes them short.

Goku – In love?

Krillin – Out.

Goku – Of love?

Krillin – Out of my mind for I am in love!

Goku – Alas, that love so gentle in his view,  should be so rough and tyrannous in proof.

Krillin – Alas, that love whose view is muffled still, should withut eyes seek pathways to his will!

Krillin & Goku – (sigh lovingly)

Goku – (runs up to Krillin) Go ye to the capulet’s feast, there sups the Rosaline whom thou so lovest, with all the admired beauties of Verona. (points into the audience) Go thither and compare her face to some that I will show. (grines) Whoa, baby! And…(both take few steps backwards) I shall make thee think thy swan a crow! HAHA! (runs off still laughing)

Krillin – (waves) I’ll go along, no such sight to be shown, but rejoice in splendor of mine own. Woohoo! (hops off)

Vegeta – So much for act I.

Crowd – (applauses and whistles loudly)

Vegeta - It wasn’t that good. Now, to the feast of capulet, where Romeo is doomed to meet his Julliet. And where in a scene of timeless romance, (sniggers) he’ll try to get into Julliets pants! (bends over barfing in the bucket again)

(Goku comes up wearing a long dress.)

Crowd – (laughs)

Goku – (nods in agreement then hops around singing) Lalalalalaalaalaa!

Krillin – (comes up and sees Goku) Oh! She doth teach the torches to burn bright! Did my heart love till now? Forswear it sight, for ne’er I saw true beauty till this night! (crouches and holds Goku’s hands) If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: my lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a gentle kiss! (kisses Goku’s hand)

Queen Luana – Betrayal!

Vegeta – I’d like to see you explain that.

Krillin – You barf some more.

Vegeta – Don’t mind if I do! (barfs some more)

Goku – (hurriedly) Oh, good pilgrim, you do wrong, your hands too much! Which mannerly devotion shows in this! (claps hands) For saints have hands that pilgrim’s hands do touch, and palm to palm is holy palmer’s kiss. (both clap hands togeth chanting) Have not saint lips and holy palmers too? Ay, pilgrims lips that they must use in prayers.

Krillin – Oh then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do! (tries to hold Goku)

Goku – (backs off, still hurriedly) No, saints do not move, though grant for prayer’s sake.

Krillin – (still trying to hold Goku while Goku keeps backing off) Then move not, while prayer’s effect I take.

Goku – (pushes Krillin away) Then have my lips the sin that they took?

Krillin – Oh sin from my lips? Trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again! (rushes up to Goku who holds him back)

Goku – No, look, I don’t want to kiss you man!

Krillin – You have to it’s in the script!

Goku – I don’t care!

Krillin – I have to do it – OUCH!

Goku – (stomps him in the stomach)

Krillin – (collapses)

Goku –(looks around then giggles) You kiss by th’ book! Coming mother! (shrugs and goes off)

Krillin – Is she a (groans) capulet? Ay so I fear! The more is my unrest!

Goku – (pushes Vegeta out of the chair and stands on it) Just pretend your not there!

Vegeta – What-the?

Goku – (pulls dress over Vegeta’s head)

Krillin – What are you doing?

Goku – The balcony scene.

Krillin – Oh (kneels) But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

Goku – Romeo, Romeo, wherefor art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name, or if thou wilt not be but sworn my love, and I shall no longer be a capulet. (giggles)

Queen Luana – (reloads) I’m ready, punk.

Goku – I mean, what’s in a name? A nose under any other name could still smell… So Romeo would. Oh, Romeo, doff thy name and for thy name. Which is no part of thee take all myself. Ok, down. (jumps off chair)

Krillin – I take thee by thy word, call me but love and I shall be new baptized. Henceforth I shall never be Romeo!

Goku – What man art thou? Art thou not Romeo, and a montague? (bites fist)

Krillin – Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike.

Goku – Dost thy love me then?

Krillin – (nods)

Queen Luana – THAT’S IT!

SS Jentl – INTERVENTION! (shoots paralising dart in Queen Luana’s throat)

Queen Luana – I like fuzzy little animals…

Goku – I know thy will say ‘ay’ and I shall take thee by thy word yet if thou swearst thou mayst prove false. Oh Romeo if thou dost love pronounce it faithfully.

Krillin – Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear-

Goku – (shrilly) OH SWEART NOT BY THE MOON!

Krillin – (rolls eyes) What shall I swear by then?

Goku – (giggles) I dunno, not the moon. (points at Queen Luana who is drooling) By her! Swear by her!

Krillin – (sighs) Lady, by yonder blessed virgin I swear!

Goku – (raises eyebrow) Oh really… Cause I read Bringing back my brother and VashandNaomiForever had this really interesting theory in one of her reviews…

Krillin – (death glare)

Goku – (swallows) No no, do not swear at all! Although I joy in thee I have no joy in this contract tonight!

Vegeta – I don’t wanna know what he means…

Goku – It is too rash, too sudden, too unadviced, too like the lightening! Which doth it cease to be ere one can say it lightens. OH ROMEO!

Blind Crowd Member – You sure this is fit for all ages?

Krillin – Oh, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied!

Goku – (runs up to Krillin and they hold hands)

Queen Luana – Urge to kill… rising…

SS Jentl – Gulps!

Goku – What satisfaction canst thou still have then?

Krillin – Th’ exchange of thy love’s faithful vows for mine!

Goku – Oh, I did give it thee before thou didst request it. Three words, gentle Romeo, and then goodnight indeed! If that thy bent of love be honorable, thy purpose marriage. Send – word – tomorrw, 1 2 3. (runs to audience) Goodnight! Goodnight! Parting is such sweet sorrow! Bye-bye! (runs off)

Krillin – Sleep, dwell in thy eyes, peace in thy breast. O that I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest! (jumps off stage and bangs into something in the background)

Vegeta – (shudders) Oh, Romeo did swoon with love, by Cupid he’d been crippled. But Juliet had a loathsome coz, whose loathsome name was Tybalt!

(Both Krillin & Goku walk back on stage, Goku no longer in dress to several readers’ relief)

Goku – Oh Romeo! The love I bear thee can afford no better term than this! Thou art a villain, therefor turn and draw! (tosses Krillin a foil) I am for you! (gets accidently stabbed by Krillin) Oh I am slain! (goes off)

Krillin – Guh? (runs over to Vegeta whose looking through the script) What the hell?

Vegeta – Oh, right here!

Krillin – Okay cool! (goes off)

Vegeta – (swallows) Moving right along. From Tybalt’s death onward the lovers are cursed. Despite the best efforts of friar and nurse. Their faith persues them, they can’t seem to duck it… (goes silent, thinking, grines) And at the end of act five they both kick the bucket!

Goku – (runs up galloping) Ho, you fire foeted steeds! (descends) Come night, come civil night, come Romeo day and night. Come night, come gentle night, come black-browed night… Oh, night-night-night-night… (chuckles) Come-come-come-come!

Vegeta – (looks at him in disgust)

Goku – (shrugs) I didn’t write it! (clears throat) And bring me my Romeo!

Krillin – (jumps onto the stagecursing and hopping up and down)

Goku – (runs to him) Oh, come nurse, what news?

Krillin – Romeo, Romeo, who would’ve thought it, Romeo!

Goku – Oh! Tell me what news! What devil art thou to torment me like this! Oh, is Romeo gone and Tybalt slain!

Krillin – No! Tybalt is gone and Romeo banished, Romeo who killed Tybalt, he is banished!

Goku – Oh god… Did his hand shed Tybalt’s blood?

Krillin – (sadly) It did, it did, alas the day it did…

Krillin and Goku – (scream and run around the stage like mad, screaming and shouting, face each other again and scream loudly)

Krillin – Thank you. (goes off)

Goku – So Romeo lives! Who Tybalt would have slain, and Tybalt is dead, he who would’ve KILLED MY HUSBAND!

Queen Luana – ATTACK! (gets paralising dart shot in the neck) Yes, pancakes are the best food in the world.

Vegeta – (hands back dart gun to SS Jentl) Thanks.

Goku – Oh! Friar Lawrence!

Krillin – (comes up wearing long friar-cape and hood) Juliet, I already know thy grief! (hands Goku a small bottle) Drink this liquid and a drowsy humour will spread through thy veins.

Goku – (drinks liquid) Oh, I can feel a drowsy humor already, Obi-Wan.

Krillin – Told you. (goes off)

Goku – (retches, grines and fakebarfs on the front row) Oh I am poisoned! I’m dying! (fakebarfs some more, shudders) Uche-uche, don’t do drugs! (falls down)

Krillin – (comes up again carrying sword and bottle, spots Goku) OH NO! (almost kicks Goku in the groin while running towards him)

Goku – OH SHIT!

Krillin – (laughs and kneels) My love, my wife…

Goku – (crosses legs)

Krillin – Death, that hath sucked the honey rom thy breath, had no power yet upon thy beauty. Why art thou yet so fair?

Goku – I dunno.

Krillin – (holds up bottle) Here’s to my love! (drinks and retches) Ah, thy drugs are quick, thus, with a kiss, I die! (leans over to Goku, hesitates, sits back up again and drinks entire bottle) Thus, with a kiss… (kisses Goku shortly)

Crowd – Ooooh!

Krillin – Get over it!

SS Jentl – (suffocating Queen Luana) WILL YOU QUIET DOWN!?

Krillin – I die! (falls down)

Goku – (stands up straight and scratched his bag) Morning! Where oh where is my love? (spots Krillin and screams) Poison I see has been my true love’s end! (picks up the bottle) Oh churl, drunk all and left not a single drop to help me after! (picks up sword) Thus I’ll be brief, happy dagger, this is thy shief! (pulls out sword which appears to be only two inches long, chuckles) That’s Romeo for you! (shrugs and stabs himself) AAAAAARGH! (burps and looks at dagger confused, presses it, it grows smaller, chuckles and stabs himself several more times) WAAAAAAH! (stabs himself in the head) Oh, my head, my head! (stabds himself up the nose) Oh my brains! There rust (sinks to his knees) and let me rest! (falls down)

Lights – FLASH OUT!

Krillin – (comes up) Thank you very much ladies and gentlmen. May I give a quick reminder that we will not play Shakespears comedies, because the comedies are quite simply not as funny as the tragedies. So, I would like to present to you Goku who will bring ‘Othello, moor of Venice’. (goes off)

Goku – (comes up, wearing plastic little boats tied around his neck and body) (seriously) Speak of me as I am, nothing extenuate. For one who loved not wisely but too well. For never was there a story of more woe, then this on Othello and his Desdemono. (pokes himself with the boats) O Dessy! (falls down)

Krillin & Vegeta – (mutter then come up)

Krillin – Bob, can we have some light here please!

Lights – FLASH!

Goku – (quietly) Get off the stage! You guys are ruining my act!

Vegeta – Get up, you idiot!

Krillin – We appologise for this little misunderstanding here. We let Goku do his own research for the play.

Crowd – (laughs)

Krillin – Apparently, Goku looked up ‘moor’ in the dictionnairy and thought it was a place where you tie up boats.

Vegeta – Which is completely stupid in this picture, cause Kakarot, in the 16^th century the word ‘moor’ referred to a black person.

Goku – (silent) I feel like such a dork.

Vegeta – Yeah, well, go with the feeling.

Krillin – Well, as you might already guess we’ve got some difficulty in performing Othello cause, as you know, the part is written for a black actor.

Vegeta – And you could say we’re racially challenged. So, we’re not gonna be able to perform Othello for you tonight.

Goku – No! No! No! Vegeta, we can do it! I’ve got this idea that’s entirely boatless! What if we uh get like, this beat going! (starts beatboxing) Here’s a story of a brother by the name of Othello, he liked white women and he liked  uh… Green jell-o…

Vegeta – Oh yeah! And a punk named Iago, who made himself a menace cause he didn’t like Othello…

Goky & Vegeta – The moor of Venice!

Goku – Then Othello got married to Des-demona.

Vegeta – But then he took of for the wore and he left her alon-a.

Goku – It was a groana…

Vegeta – A moana…

Goku & Vegeta – He left her alona!

Krillin – He didn’t write a letter and he didn’t telephona!

Vegeta – Yeah!

Goku – (beatboxing)

Krillin – Now Desdemona, she was faithful, she was chastity tight.

Goku – She was the daughter of a duke!

Vegeta – Yeah she was totally white!

Goku – And Iago loved Dessy like Adonis loved Venus!

Krillin – And Desi loved Othello ‘cause he had a big-  SWORD!

Vegeta – Yeah, he really did!

Goku – Iago said I’m gonna s-shaft the moor!

Krillin – How ya gonna do it?

Crowd – Tell us!

Goku – Well I know his tragous flaws and he’s too damn jealous!

Krillin – He’s a dupe, a dope, a kind of schmo.

Vegeta – So he found a trump-sucker by the name of Casiooo!

Krillin – And he plants on him Desdemona’s handkerchief.

Goku – And Othello gets to wonder just maybe if. While he’d been out fightin’, commandin’ an army.

Vegeta – Are Dessi and Cass playing hide the salami!

Goku & Krillin – (scratching) S-s-s-s-sala-salami!

Vegeta – (beatboxing)

Krillin – So he comes back home and’s got the pillow in her face.

Vegeta – He kills her and soliloquizes about his disgrace!

Goku – But there’s Emilia at the door! Who we met in act four!

Krillin – Who say, ya big dummy, she weren’t no whore!

Goku – She was pure.

Vegeta – She was clean.

Krillin – She was virginal too!

All – (corss arms) Now why’d you have to go and make her face turn blue?

Goku – It’s true!

Krillin – It’s you!

Goku – (in trioles) And O-thello say-

Vegeta – Yo, this is getting’ pretty scary!

Krillin – Pulled out his blade and committed harikari.

Vegeta – (starts breakdancing)

Krillin & Goku – Do that funky moor thing, white boy!

Vegeta – Ooh!

Goku – That is so hot man!

Krillin – Othello got caught but he probably copped a plea.

Vegeta – Loaded up his bags

Krillin – and moved to Beverly.

All – Hills that is!

Crowd – (cheers)

Goku & Vegeta – (come up and lay down knife beside their feet)

Vegeta- Meanwhile Julius Caeser was a much beloved tryant.

Krillin – (comes up wearing crown and cape)

Vegeta & Goku – All hail Julius Caeser!

Krillin – (stands in between them) Hail citizens.

Vegeta – Who was warned by a soothsayer.

Goku – (shrilly) Beware the ides of Maaarch!

Vegeta – (raises eyebrow) Caesar however chose to ignore this warning.

Krillin – What the hell are the ides of March?

Goku – Well, that’s the fifteenth of March.

Krillin – (looks at his watch) Why that’s today!

Goku & Vegeta – (pick up knives and stab him) Die! Die! Die!

Krillin – Argh! Tu quoque, Brute! (falls down)

Vegeta – (places foot on Krillins ‘dead’ body) Ah! Friends, Romans, countrymen! Lend me your rears! I come to bury Caesar, so let’s bury him and move on to my play! Antony and Cleopatra!

Goku – (runs up wearing a wig and holding a snake) Is this an asp before me? OH I’VE BEEN BITTEN! IT’S A SNAKE! I’M DYING! (fakebarfs on front row) OH GOD STOP IT! I’M REALY TOTALLY- (fakebarfs) IT’S THE VENOM IT’S RUNNING THROUGH MY VEINS! (fakebarfs)

Vegeta – KAKAROT!

Krillin – Goku! Stop it! (pulls back Goku from somebody on the front row) That’s it! STOP IT!

Goku – Krillin, calm down!

Krillin – Look, Goku, you have this really bizarre notion, that all of Shakespears tragic heroines wore this really ugly wigs and used to vomit on people before they die!

Goku – It’s an interpretation man, I’ve got it under control!

Vegeta – No! Barfing on people is not an interpretation! Just get back on the stage.

Goku – (innocently pointing to guy he was just barfing on) He was into it!

Krillin & Vegeta – WAS NOT!

Goku – (climbs on stage, grumpy) Everything I do is wrong today.

Vegeta – Kakarot, look, Antony & Cleopatra is a romantic thriller about a geopolitical powerstruggle between Egypt and Rome!

Crowd – (laughing)

Goku – (to crowd) Like you knew! You’re all like laughing now but… (back to Vegeta) Okay, I’m sorry, if I had known it was a geopolitical play I wouldn’t have screwed around with it. Cause, you know, my favourite plays are Shaekspears geopolitical plays.

Vegeta – (raising eyebrow) Is that so?

Goku – Yes. Seriously, they’re intense man, there was this one play about some nuclear energy in the former sovjet union.

Vegeta – No.

Krillin – Sovjet union?

Vegeta – No.

Goku – Yeah it was. It was way ahead of its time. It was a metaphor… wrapped in an allegory. It was totally intense man. It was called uH… Chernobyl Kinsmen.

Crowd – (chuckles)

Goku – And it was all about this nuclear reactor.

Krillin – Goku, Shakespear wrote a play called ‘Two Noble Kinsmen’.

Goku – No, there was a definate ‘cher’.

Krillin & Vegeta – Two.

Goku – Cher.

Krillin & Vegeta – Two.

Goku – Chernobyl Kinsmen.

Krillin & Vegeta – Two Noble Kinsmen.

Goku – Chernobyl… What’s Two Noble Kinsmen about?

Vegeta – It’s about a girl who goes insane with the fear that her boyfriend’s gonna be eaten by wolves and her father hanged.

Goku – (hesitates) And is Boris Jeltsin in it?

Krillin & Vegeta – NO!

Goku – I’ve never heard of that play before!

Vegeta – Of  course you’ve never heard about it, cause it’s one of Sha- Oh, wait, I better explain them to. (turns to the crowd) I’m sorry ladies and gentlemn, my bad. Listen uh, Two Noble Kinsmen uh, actually falls in the category of Shakespears plays that we scholars refer to as ‘the apocrypha’. Uh, or in some literairy circles ‘the obscure plays’… And sometimes ‘the lesser plays’… And often quite simply ‘the bad plays’. But the point is that not all of the apocrypha are without merit. In fact, one of them ‘Troilus & Cressida’ is hardly carp at all! So I suggest we could like, bring forth one chapter. Hang on… (goes off, comes back up with a script) Okay gather around. (Goku & Krillin join in) Okay, it says here, Troilus, king of Troy.

Krillin – (puts crown on Vegeta’s head) You be Troilus, you be the King of Troy.

Vegeta – Okay… loves Cressida…

Krillin & Vegeta – (peek at Goku)

Goku – (sighing) I’ll go get the wig…(goes off)

Vegeta – And has arranged with their uncle Pandarus for a meeting.

Krillin – Uhu.

Vegeta- Although she feigns indifference.

Krillin & Goku – (look at each other) Wait a minute.

Vegeta – She is attracted to him and meanwhile, Agamemnon, the Greek commander-

Krillin & Goku – NO!

Krillin – This is the stuff kids hate in school! Because it’s-

Younger crowd – BORING!

Vegeta – (pulls out oxygenmasks)

Younger crowd – We’ll be sweet…

Vegeta – Look, this is not boring!

Krillin – It is!

Goku – When you said ‘Agamemnon’ I was asleep man! I’m sorry but when we came here to perform Shakespears plays I told myself, yes I said to myself: ‘I will not do dry, boring, vomitless Shakespear for these people!’ It’ll just turn you off! When I was a kid in school and we were supposed to be studying Shakespear it’s like, I’d be bored out of my mind, I’d be looking out of the window at all the kids playing ball and I was thinking: ‘Why can’t this Shakespear thing be more like sports!’ I swear to God, that’s what I was thinking.

Krillin – You liked sports?

Goku – Yes, I did like sports.

Vegeta – And you went to school?

Goku – Yes, in a matter of fact, I did went to school.

Vegeta – (raises eyebrow) You did went?

Goku – What?

Vegeta – Oh, nothing.

Goku – I’m just trying to say that all of Shakespears histories were like football, only, not with a football but with a crown.

Vegeta – (pulls of crown) you know what? They are pretty similair!

Krillin – Right! Let’s go!

All – (take positions)

Krillin – 25, 42, Richard three, Henry the sixth, part I, II, III!

All – HUT!

Krillin – (catches crown)

Vegeta – (commenting) And the crown is snapped to Richard II, that well spoken 14^th century monarch.

Queen Luana – (wearing hat, scarf and little flags all illustrated with ‘K’) Go Krillin! (honks)

Vegeta – And he’s fading back to pass looking for an heir downfield! But there’s a heavy rush from king John! (stabs Krillin)

Krillin – AAARG! My gross flesh thee downward! (throws away the crown)

Goku – (catches it)

Vegeta – And the crown is in the air but Henry VI comes up with it!

Goku – Victory is mine!

Vegeta – (stabs him)

Krillin – But he’s immediately taken down by king John!

Vegeta – (slashes Goku two times)

Krillin – He has devided Henry VI in three parts!

Goku – (hands over crown)

Vegeta – (runs away)

Krillin – This could mean the end of the war of the roses cycle! King John is in the clear!

Vegeta – My soul hath elbow room!

Goku – He’s at the 35-yard line, the 30^th, the 25, the 20^th, the 15^th, 10^th…

Krillin – (runs up and pours something in Vegeta’s mouth)

Goku – He’s poisoned on the 1-yard line!

Vegeta – (throws away the crown)

Goku – He’s out for the game!

Krillin – (catches it)

Goku – Replacing him now, number 72, is King Lear!

Krillin – (leaning over to Goku) Devide we our kingdom in three. Cordelia, you go long!

Vegeta – (runs up and whistles)

Goku – Uh-oh, there’s a penalty called…

Vegeta – (makes strange hand movements)

Goku – Fictional character on the field and Lear is disqualified!

Krillin – (curses and hands over crown)

Goku – Okay, leaning up now is that father and son team of Henry IV and prince Hal. (grabs crown) Center snaps to the quarterback (hands crown to krillin)

Krillin – (limps)

Goku – Quarterback snaps to the hunchback. It looks like that lip is giving Richard III trouble again!

Krillin – A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!

Vegeta – (throws human shapes doll at Krillin, knocking him down)

Krillin – (tosses crown)

Vegeta – Fumble! And Henry VIII comes up with it!

Goku – (runs)

Vegeta – He’s heading to the goal line!

Goku – (suddenly halts and slashes sword)

Vegeta – He’s stopped at the 5 to chop off his wife’s head!

Goku – Who’s your daddy!

Vegeta – (whistles)

Krillin – Touchdown from a red rose! Oh, my! Here in the lead, this is the beginning of a tudor dynasty!

All – (chanting) Henry V, Richard III, Phillip’s a dork, and Charles a turd – GOOOOOO FERGIE!

Lights – DIM!

Krillin – (walks back onstage) Thank you very much. Our next play will be Titus Andronicus. Now, since there are some younger audience-members in the theatre we decided we should use something slightly more modern. So, we decided to do this play - as a cooking programme! (goes off)

Vegeta – (comes on wearing chef’s hat and outfit, holding chopper covered with blood) Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Now, when you’ve had a long day… Got your left hand chopped off… (shows left hand which is completely covered with blooded linnen) BAM! Your son murdered, daughter raped, both her hands and tongue chopped off BAM BAM! (chuckles) The last thing you wanna do is cook, get what I’m saying? Unless… You kill the rapist and serve him to his mother at the dinner party! (laughs maniacally)

Goku – (comes up wearing dress and wig, pulling Krillin with her I uh mean him (lol) and bowl in one hand (or what remains of it)) (smiles widely) (with strange accent) Hi daddy!

Crowd – (laughs)

Goku – (tries to give them to finger, fails if you get my point?)

Vegeta – Hey, how are you?

Goku – (still with defaulting accent) Uh, no’ so goo’ I go’ my tongue chopp’ ou’.

Vegeta – Yeah, it’s a pisser, isn’t it?

Goku – (nods in agreement) Yeah, i’s a pisser. (pushes Krillin to his knees)

Vegeta – Now, what you wanna do is make an incission right across the throat… (he does it with Krillin)

Krillin – Gulps!

Goku – (leans over with the bowl to catch the blood)

Vegeta – You should use a bowl to catch the blood. It’s nice when you watch them die slowly. (happy grine)

Goku – (pulls Krillin backstage, his legs still lying on stage)

Vegeta – When he’s dead…

Goku – (chops Krillin)

Krillin – OUCH!

Vegeta – (ignoring) You’re ready to cook: just add some flower and milk to the blood, put it in the oven for… eightteen minutes and then violà!

Goku – (comes up holding a cake with Krillin’s face on it)

Vegeta & Goku – (proudly) Cake à la Head!

Queen Luana - (faints)

Vegeta – Who wants a piece ? What about you ma’am? (holds out ‘Krillin’s’ chopped off hand) It’s finger licking good!

Goku – (laughing) Tha’s a goo’ one, man! High five! (both try to do high five, both miss (if you catch my drift, wink wink))

Vegeta – Please do join us next weak when we’ll make some nice, murderer-lasagna! Till then…

Goku – (holds up bone) Bone àpetit!

Crowd – (applause)

Goku – Our next play is a very famous play, straight from Scotland, namely : Macbeth.

Vegeta and Krillin – (both run on stage hushing)

Goku – (shrinks) Sorry!

Vegeta – (whispering) Now, what you’re really not supposed to talk about…

Krillin – (whispering) Unless you’re performing it.

Vegeta, Goku & Krillin – Because… it’s cursed. (hesitate) (suddenly run towards the audience shouting and screaming) BLAAH!

Goku – (low spooky voice) Very scary!

Vegeta – Not only did we mannage to make an extremely short version out of it, we also managed to do so in…

Goku, Vegeta & Krillin – Great Scottish accents! (go off)

Goku – (comes up wearing a black wig) Muahahaa! Hihihi! Fouble rubble toy and troubleee!

Vegeta – (comes up wearing Scottish skirt (do not trey to picture it!)) (pullls out sword) Stay you imperrrrrrrrfect mac-speaker! Mac-tell me mac-morrrrre!

Goku – MacBeth! Macbeth! Bewarrrrrrrre MacDuff! No one shall harm Macbeth, don’t you knooo? (goes off)

Vegeta – (puts away sword) Ach! That ther great! And mac-what mac-I mac-need mac-fearrrrr of MacDuff?

Krillin – (comes up and holds out sword) See you Jimmy! And know that MacBeth was ripped from his mother’s womb, what ya think aboot that lad?

Vegeta – (disgusted) Ach! That’s bloody discustin’! Come here ya great haggis breath ye!

Krillin – (threatingly point sword in Vegeta’s direction) Ach, Macbeth, you killed my wife, murdered my bairns… You did your jobby in my stew!

Vegeta – Ach, I did not!

Krillin – Ach, yes you did!

Vegeta – Ach!

Krillin – Ach!

Vegeta – Ach!

Krillin – Ach!

Vegeta – Ach!

Krillin – Ach! I had to throw half of it away! (slaps Vegeta in the head) Come here! I’ll lop of your ugly head!

(both run off)

Vegeta – (in background) AAAARGH!

Krillin – (comes back on stage holding football on wich a face is drawn) Behold the unserperers head! (looks at it) Ach, MacBeth, your arse is out the windee! (kick football into the audience) For never, was there a story of more blood and death, than this, on Mr and Mrs MacBeth. (bows) Thank ye!

Lights – DIM!

Krillin – (comes up) ladies and gentlemen the time has come, we have finally reached the last of Shakespear’s plays.

Crowd – (reliefed sigh)

Krillin – But we saved the best for the last!

Crowd – (unenthousiastically) Hurraaah…

Krillin – And of course, we shall end with one Shakespear’s most famous plays : Hamlet!

Goku – Hamlet? Shakespear wrote Hamlet?

Vegeta – Of course, chicken-brains. Who else?

Goku – I thought Hamlet was a Mel Gibson movie!

Krillin – The movie’s based on the play, Goku now shush! Let’s move – move – move and get this over with! Vegeta, the intro’s up to you! (goes off)

Vegeta – Jolly… ahem, Bob can I get some mood lightning please?

Lights – MOOD!

Vegeta – Hamlet! The tragedy of the prince of Denmark! The place : ahem… Denmark. The time : a very long time ago! The battlements of Elsinore castle, round about midnight. Two guards enter.

Goku – Stupid Mel Gibson…

Mel Gibson – Hey!

Goku & Krillin – (run up, sword drown, back towards each other)

Goku – Who’s there?

Krillin – Nay, answer me: stand and unfold yourself!

Goku – Long live the king!

Krillin – (turns around) Bernardo?

Goku – (turns as well) He!

Both – (sigh reliefed)

Goku – Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to bed Horatio.

Krillin – For this relief much thanks. 

Goku – Well, night night.

Krillin – (looks in the distance) Peace brake thee off!

Both – (pointing) Look where it comes! (run around screaming)

Sock-ghost – (hangs from ceiling) Boooh!

Both – Aaah! (raise swords at the sock-ghost)

Goku – Looks it not like the king?

Sock-ghost – Boooh!

Goku – Mark it Hoartio, it will be spoke to!

Krillin – What art thou? By heaven’s name I charge thee speak!

Cock – (does his cock-thingy)

Sock-Ghost – (gets pulled away) Wheee!

Both – (lookd around confused)

Krillin – Tis gone.

Goku – It was about to speak when the cock crew.

Krillin – Break we our watch up…

Both – (smack watch with sword)

Krillin – And, by my advice, let us impart what we have seen tonight unto…

Both – Hamlet, prince of Denmark. (nod at each other and run off)

Vegeta – (runs up triumphantly)

Crowd – (cheers and applauds)

Vegeta – Thank you. (clears throat) Oh! That this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew. That it would come to this (in tears) but two months dead. So loving to my mother…Frailty, thy name is woman!

Women – Gulps.

Vegeta – Marriage to mine uncle, my father’s brother. (kneels) The funeral baked meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.

Krillin – (runs up and kneels next to Vegeta)  My lord!

Vegeta – Horatio!

Both – (hug)

Krillin – (puts finger down throat)

Vegeta – (looks into the distance) Me thinks I see my father, Horatio…

Krillin – Where my lord?

Vegeta – In my mind’s eye, Horatio!

Krillin – My lord, I think I saw him yesternight.

Vegeta – Saw who?

Krillin – Your father the king!

Vegeta – My… Huh? (grabs Krillin by collar) My father, but where was this?

Krillin – On the platform where we kept watch.

Vegeta – Tis very strange…

X-files theme.

Vegeta – I will watch tonight, perchance ‘twill walk again. All is not well, Oratio… Would the night were come! So…

Lights – NIGHT!

Vegeta – (sigh)

Both – (shiver) Brrr!

Vegeta – The wind bites shrewdly, ‘tis very cold.

Krillin – Look, it comes! (hastily makes the sign of cross)

Vegeta – Angels and ministers of grace defend us! (makes the sign of cross) Something is rotten in the state of Denmark!

Goku – (runs up wearing white blanket and helmet) Booh!

Vegeta & Krillin – Aaah!

Goku – (ghostly) Mark me!

Vegeta – Speak, I am bound to hear!

Goku – So art thou to revenge when thou shalt hear! If ever thou didst thy fair father love. (chuckles) Bleeeh!

Vegeta & Krillin – Bleeh!

Goku – Oh revenge his foul and unnatural murder!

Vegeta – Murder!

Krillin – Murder!

Goku – For the serpent that did sting thy father’s life now wears his crown!

Vegeta – My uncle!

Krillin – His uncle!

Goku – Do not let the royal bed of Denmark become a couch for incest!

Vegeta – Incest!

Krillin – A couch!

Vegeta – (slaps Krillin in the head)

Queen Luana – (reloads shotgun) You mess with him, you mess with me punk!

SS Jentl – Security.

Goku – Adieu, Hamlet, adieu. (walking away) Remember me… (goes off) Whee!

Both – (look around)

Krillin – My lord, this is strange.

Vegeta – There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio. Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. So piss off! (slaps Krillin in the face)

Krillin – Oi! (goes off)

Vegeta –I hereafter shall think meet to put an antic disposition on. Ah, the time is out of joint: O cursed spite that ever I was born to exit right! (goes off left) Shit! (goes off right)

Krillin – (comes up wearing long robe and grey beard) Neither a borrower, nor a lender, be. (winks) (goes off)

Goku – (runs over Krillin screaming loudly and waving his hands (yet again wearing dress and wig)) AAAAAAAAAAH!

Krillin – (gets up and raises an eyebrow, shrugs) Oh no Ophelia, what’s the matter?

Goku – (screams again) Oh my Lord, as I was sewing in my closet, Lord Halmet with no hat upon his head, pale as his shirt, his knees knocking together and with a look so piteous in purport as if he had been loosed out of hell to speak of horrors, he comes before me! (shrugs)

Crowd – (shudders)

Goku – (smiles and fumbles with dress)

Krillin – I’d keep that dress if I were you.

Goku – It was a gift!

Krillin – (clears throat) Mad for thy love?

Goku – (screams waving dress up and down)

Crowd – (looks horrorstruck) (vomits)

Goku – (ignores) This I know not!

Krillin – Why, this is the very ecstacy of love. I have found the cause of Hamlet’s lunacy! Since brevity is the soul of wit, I shall be brief : he is mad!

Vegeta – (hops on stage) I’m cuckoo for cocoa puffs! Cuckoo for cocoa puffs! Cuckoo!

Goku – (runs off screaming)

SS Jentl – (pats Queen Luana on the back) Don’t worry he’s gone.

Queen Luana – (sobbing) He pulled up his dress! PULLED UP HIS DREEESS!

Vegeta – (turns around) Wheee!

Krillin – How does my good lord Hamlet!

Vegeta – (smacks himself with book) Oh well, God mercy! Well!

Krillin – Do you know me my Lord?

Vegeta – Excellent well! You are a fishmonger!

Krillin – What do you read my Lord?

Vegeta – (flips through book) Oh, words, words… (slaps book in front of Krillin’s face) WORDS!

Queen Luana – (pulls out bazooka) Don’t make me use this!

Krillin – Though this be madness yet there’s method in’t.

Goku – Daddy! The players are here! They wanna do a play within a play scene, scene, play within scene, play, scene in play with play and scene! AAAARGH! (runs off mad)

Krillin – Later! (goes off)

Vegeta – I am but mad North Northwest. When the wind blows Southernly, I know a hawk from a handsaw! Hahaha! … I dunno… (thinks) I’ll have these players play something like the murder of my father before mine uncle. I’ll observe his looks. If he do but blench, I’ll know my course. Oh, the play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king! (kneels)

Spotlight – FLASH (about ten feet away from Vegeta)!

Vegeta – (shuffles into spotlight) (kneels)

Crowd – (applauds)

Vegeta – (breathes in deeply)

Crowd – (giggles)

Vegeta – (hushes)

Crowd – (giggles some more)

Vegeta – Shut up please.

Crowd – (laughs quietly)

Vegeta – Shut uuup!

Crowd – (laughs)

Vegeta – (pulls out dagger)

Crowd – (laughs loudly)

Vegeta – What part of shut up don’t you understand?

Crowd – (laughs louder)

Vegeta – (clears throat) T-to be-

Crowd – (bursts into laughter)

Vegeta – (breaks down sobbing)

Goku – Uh-oh.

Krillin – Uh, Bob could we get some light here please?

Goku – Vegeta, are you okay man? Did you do the ‘To be or not to be’ speech?

Vegeta – (in tears) Well of course not, they were laughing at me!

Goku – They weren’t laughing at you. They were laughing with you!

Vegeta – No! (points at SS Jentl) That girl right there was laughing at me!

Veggie-fans – (death glare)

SS Jentl – (nervous giggle)

Queen Luana – (holds out bazooka to Veggie-fans) You guys wanna borrow this?

Goku – Oh, don’t mind her she’s on drugs or something.

Vegeta – It was my big speech!

Goku – I’m sorry about this everyobdy, I think Vegeta’s really, you know, he takes this very seriously. I think emotionally it’s a bit too much for him tonight. I think it’s best if we just skip the to be or not to be speech.

Crowd – Aw…

Krillin – Well, you should’ve though about that before you laughed at him!

Goku – This is the risk you take at live theatre, alright? Aynthing could happen! You know like, if this was Miss Saigon maybe the helicopter wouldn’t come in or something.

Krillin – It’s an overrated speech anyway. Hamlet should be thinking of murdering his uncle and instead, Shakespeare’s got him contemplating suicide you know. We think it just weakens the character. It just makes him wishy-washy. So we’ll just skip to the play within a play scene.

Goku – Right, so we’ll just skip on to the killing! This is Vegeta Briefs as Hamlet ladies and gentlemen!

Crowd – (cheers)

Krillin – Ho wait! What about the ‘get thee to a nunnery’ scene?

Goku – Oh let’s just skip that one.

Krillin – We can’t skip that! It’s important!

Vegeta – Don’t worry, I’m ready I can do it.

Goku – Can’t we just skip it Krillin, cause the get thee to a nunnery scene is an Ophelia scene! And Ophelia is a difficult and complex character!

Krillin - … No she isn’t.

Vegeta – Yeah, I mean, Ophelia is… you in a wig, you know?

Goku – It’s more than that!

Vegeta – It’s an easy part!

Krillin – Anyobody could play Ophelia! My mother (who I don’t have) could play Ophelia, (directs at SS Jentl) She could play Ophelia!

SS Jentl – Not again!

Goku fans – (death glare)

Vegeta – Well, let’s get her then?

Goku – No!

Krillin – (helps SS Jentl upstage)

SS Jentl – Ieps!

Goku – No come on! Stop joking around!

Krillin – Bob, can you give the girl a microphone?

Goku – You can’t just- (starts pulling SS Jentl back)

Vegeta – (pulls at the other side) Kakarot stop it!

Goku – You can’t just grab some Bozo out of the audience!

Vegeta – She’s not a bozo!

Goku – This is my scene!

Krillin – Too late for that, Goku! She’s up here, she’s got a mic and she’s gonna wear this great wig! It’ll be fantastic!

Goku – Then what am I supposed to do?

Vegeta – Just watch and learn, okay?

Goku – Wha-? So you’re just gonna do the scene with your new friend and I’m supposed to learn?

Vegeta – I know it’s difficult Kakarot, but try!

Goku – That’s fine, I don’t care! I think this show sucks anyway!

Vegeta – Oh, for the love of-

Goku – Well, thanks for breaking up the group Yoko!

Vegeta – Oh come on! What’s the matter with you!

Goku – This is bullshit.

Vegeta – (to SS Jentl) Sorry about that. Hey, thanks for helping us out here. What’s your name?

SS Jentl – Jentl.

Vegeta – Jentl?

SS Jentl – Yeah.

Vegeta – Uh, you mind if we call you Bob? It’s a memory thing. You know, Kakarot’s already troubled enough as it is so…

SS Jentl – I completely understand.

Vegeta – So uh, the scene between Ophelia and ahem (deep voice) Hamlet. Is a very simple scene.

Goku – (from the audience) It’s not a simple scene! If you’re gonna humiliate her be honnest with her!

Vegeta – We’re not gonna humiliate her!

Krillin – We’re not humiliating anyone, except maybe you. Just calm down!

Goku – No you calm down!

Krillin – You calm down!

Goku – I’ll hit you so hard I’ll kill your whole family man!

Krillin – Ooh! I’m scared now! You take your medicin!

Goku – Don’t mind if I do. (swallows handful of pills then sinks into his seat droolling)

Krillin – (to SS Jentl) Okay, a little bit of background. Hamlet and Phelia had this relationship going on for years.

Vegeta – Yeah but now with this whole thing about his mother and his uncle and the king and yada yada yada…He doesn’t want to deal with her anymore, alright? He gets all worked up tells her to get out of his life. He says to her: “Get thee to a nunnery!” All right, now, in our version of the scene all Ophelia does in response is: she screams.

Goku – That’s not all she does! There’s a little more to it than that!

Vegeta – No there’s not! (back to SS Jentl) So, Hamlet says get thee to a nunnery, Ophelia screams, okay?

SS Jentl – Okay.

Vegeta – So let’s try that. We’ll rehearse it once and then I’ll give you your cue.

Goku – (walks back up) Yeah, go for it! It’s all yours man! (hits SS Jentl)

Krillin – GOKU!

Goku – She hit me with her shoulders! She started it!

Krillin – She did not!

Goku – She’s been looking at me since I came here!

Krillin – Will you just sit down.

Goku – Yeah yeah. (to Queen Luana) Come on, scoop over.

Queen Luana – (holds up pepper spray) I’m warning you, I’m armed!

Vegeta – Okay, we all set? Let me just step into character for a moment. (takes step forward) GET THEE TO A NUNNERY!

SS Jentl – (screams)

Vegeta – Yeah that was good!

TO BE OR NOT TO BE CONTINUED...