Transcript by: Sarah Falk
TRANSCRIPT
Stephen
Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to the provisional wing of Children In Need. Er, we hope to raise lots of extra money tonight for disadvantaged children. And we have four enormously overgrown examples here tonight. The irascible young Rich Hall . . . that cheeky chappy, Phill Jupitus . . .
Phill
[flicks the two-fingered salute at the camera]
Stephen
. . . naughty scamp Jonathan Ross . . .
Jonathan
[smiles saccharinely at the camera and lays his head on his hands, with clasped palms]
Stephen
. . . and everybody's favourite fluffy stud-muffin, Pudsey!
[For Pudsey Bear is sitting in Alan's regular seat.]
Stephen
Now, settle down, class. Er, you know the rules. Phill goes:
Phill
[presses buzzer, which says, "No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but yeah!"]
Stephen
And Jonathan:
[Phill's buzzer suddenly sounds again.]
Stephen
Thank you.
Phill
[swiftly moves his hands away from the buzzer]
Stephen
Stop it. And Jonathan goes:
Jonathan
[presses buzzer, which says, "Am I bovvered?"]
Stephen
And Rich goes:
Rich
[presses buzzer, which says, "Flobadobadobadob!"]
Stephen
And Pudsey goes:
Pudsey
[presses buzzer, which plays a clip of Clanger speech]
Alan
[off set] Hey! Hang on!
[Alan walks on set, to cheers and applause.]
Stephen
Thank you, Pudsey. Oh, hello.
Alan
Hello? [approaches Pudsey] Hey, what are you doing?
Pusdey
[stands up from his seat forlornly]
Alan
Oh, don't give it all that, you're not even a bear!
Audience in General
[awws]
Phill
[escorts Pudsey off the set]
Come on. We don't want any trouble.
Alan
He gave me a look, then, with the good eye!
Phill
Yeah. [calling to Pudsey] How's your distance vision?
Pudsey
[sits down in the audience and waves]
Alan
Someone has been sitting in my seat!
Stephen
Tonight's programme is all about descendants. In other words, offspring, progeny . . . children. Let's begin at the very beginning. What do babies have that adults do not?
Jonathan
[presses buzzer, which says, "Am I bovvered?"]
Stephen
Y—
Jonathan
Horns.
Stephen
Horns?
Jonathan
Horns.
Stephen
Oddly, you're almost close.
Rich
They have a cranial cap. [points to the top of his own head] They have a divot there that you can store things in.
Jonathan
I thought that was there so that if you have sex during the final trimester it doesn't hurt the baby, it kind of gives.
[slams his hands together in demonstration]
Stephen
Oh, no, Jonathan!
Jonathan
Nature provides! But the bones in the head haven't fused together yet, have they?
Stephen
They haven't. Not only in the head, that's the point.
Phill
They're completely spongy, babies; you can bend them pretty . . . like plasticine; you can just like make . . . If it's an ugly baby, you can just make it slightly better looking, you know. Just . . . Give it horns if you want.
Jonathan
What's the protocol for when you see a really ugly baby? Do you know . . . ?
Rich
I'll tell you, people show you their babies on the phone now, and it's like a cashew with some hair coming out of it. The thing to say is, "Nice phone." Because that's what I think: I . . . I think babies have the ability to know that they are ugly, which their parents don't.
Phill
That's why they cry all the time. They hold the little mirror up to them on the mobile, "Ahhh, look at me. I look like Churchill having a shit, it's like . . . "
Stephen
They don't have kneecaps, do they? That's--
Jonathan
Aren't you mixing them up with merbabies?
Stephen
No, their kneecaps are not made of bone while they're babies, and there are all kinds of parts of them--
Jonathan
What are they made of?
Stephen
--that are not made of bone, but are made of cartilage, and--
Jonathan
Or Play-Doh.
Stephen
--and they have ninety-four more bones than adults.
Jonathan
No, they don't.
Rich
Whoa.
Stephen
Yeah, they do.
Jonathan
You're making this up.
Stephen
No, I'm not. A baby's body has about 300 what are called "soft bones" that haven't actually formed bone material. They are actually cartilage, a sort of soft, gooey thing. And they eventually fuse to form the 206 bones of the average human body.
Where are a quarter of those bones housed in the body?
Jonathan
[presses buzzer, which says, "Am I bovvered?"]
Stephen
Oh, yeah?
Jonathan
In the body.
Stephen
Yeah. Where--I should have said--abouts in the body?
Jonathan
In the--
Alan
Foot.
Jonathan
In the--
Stephen
Feet. "The feet" is the right answer, yeah.
Jonathan
Feet!
Stephen
A quarter of your bones, fifty-two.
Alan
Yes! [raises fists in vistory]
Stephen
Very good. Yeah! Very good.
Phill
How long do you have to wait for your baby to harden?
Stephen
It's . . . In the natural course of things--
Phill
Do you put it somewhere . . . Like, with Airfix kits, I used to put them in the airing cupboard. I mean--
Jonathan
In a kiln.
Stephen
A kiln.
Phill
Yeah.
Alan
Bake it.
Phill
You fire the baby!
Stephen
So, talking of Churchill, in a sort of way, who was very fond of pigs, because he said, [as Churchill] "Dogs look up at you, cats look down on you, but a pig looks you in the eye and treats you as an equal." Anyway, who grunts like a pig and has children three times their own size? Three times.
Alan
And then it . . . What, do they shrink down?
Stephen
The offspring start off three times bigger and then, obviously, become the size of the parent, so the . . . the offspring do shrink, eventually.
Jonathan
Presumably, though, they must be . . . they must be, erm . . . they must grow to full term outside of the body of the parent--
Stephen
They do.
Jonathan
--or else the parent could not carry such a vast--
Stephen
You're right, so they're not mammals.
Rich
Ah.
Stephen
You're right.
Alan
They're fish?
Stephen
Not fish, neither.
Jonathan
Frogs.
Stephen
Yes! It's a breed of frog called the "paradoxical frog", for that very reason.
Jonathan
Wow.
[Viewscreens: Picture of two paradoxical frogs and two of its tadpoles, with a pen separating them.]
Stephen
It is the only species on earth, and that literally is to scale. That's the parent, that's a pen--[laughs slightly]--to give us an idea of scale, and that is the offspring.
Jonathan
So they squirt 'em out, and then they grow big in the pond?
Stephen
Yeah.
Jonathan
Wow. That's--
Stephen
They come from South America and Trinidad as well, you'll find them.
Jonathan
What purpose does that serve in nature, that the animal would, er, create an offspring that is so much larger than itself initially, and then shrink?
Stephen
We just don't know, is the answer.
Alan
What is it in Spanish? [Spanish accent] "Paradoxical fr-og!"
Stephen
Now, what I want you to do is stop me when you know about whom I am talking. Had she been eligible, she might have been elected U.S. President. She's a trained scientist. She has larger breasts than you might imagine. Jonathan's alert. Er . . . Maiden name: Roberts.
Alan
Thatcher.
Stephen
Oh, dear. Margaret Thatcher's maiden name was Roberts, but this particular "née Roberts" has over a billion pairs of shoes, and yet stands only 11 inches tall.
Jonathan
[presses buzzer, which says, "Am I bovvered?"]
Jonathan
Thumbelina.
Stephen
Not Thumbelina. This one exists.
Jonathan
11 inches tall?
Stephen
Yeah.
Jonathan
Barbie.
Stephen
"Barbie" is the right answer. Yay. She was named after one Barbara Millicent Roberts, from Willows, Wisconsin.
Alan
If Barbie was a real person--
Stephen
Yeah.
Alan
--she wouldn't be able to stand.
Stephen
Yes.
Alan
Anatomically.
Stephen
Yeah, exactly.
Alan
Her feet are too small and her--
Stephen
If you sort of blew her up to five foot six, her feet would be size three and her breasts would be 39 inches, and she would just go--[unceremoniously slams hand and forearm down on desk].
Jonathan
But you wouldn't let her stand up anyway would you? You'd . . . You'd only want her supine, anyway, wouldn't you, if she does have . . . ?
Stephen
[levelly] I-i-is that right. Erm.
Jonathan
[quirks his eyebrow at the camera]
Stephen
It's also . . . It's also apparently true, according to, er, researchers at University Central Hospital in Helsinki, Finland, that her body shape lacks the 17- to 22-percent body fat which would enable her to menstruate. But what was it she managed finally to get in the year 2000?
Alan
Pregnant.
Stephen
It was a p— . . . a piece of something that--
Rich
A shroud of dreams.
Alan
A bra!
Stephen
Not a bra. Some part of her body.
Woman in Audience
Nipples.
Stephen
N— . . . Not nipples, thank you.
Alan
A naval!
Stephen
"A naval" is the right answer! She finally got a tummy button. Very good. Absolutely right.
Barbie philosophy . . . Barbie spoke in 1992 for the first time. Do you know the kind of thing she said?
Jonathan
"Where's my naval?"
Stephen
She could have said that. "Will we--"
Jonathan
"'No' means 'no'!" . . . "Stop looking down there; I don't have bits!"
Stephen
[female American acent] "Will we ever have enough clothes?" was one of the first she--
Jonathan
"It's a paradoxical frog, Ken."
Stephen
Yeah! [female American accent] "I love shopping."
Jonathan
Do you? But what did Barbie say, Stephen?
Stephen
[female American accent] "Math is tough."
As we know, Barbie, whose full name was Barbara Millicent Roberts, was born in 1959, and she's done everything, including running for president three times.
But how have Superman, Spiderman, and Wonder Woman helped the fight against crime? Each one of them has an intimate connection with a genuinely groundbreaking, crime-solving, or crime--
Alan
X-ray vision.
Stephen
Mm. I . . . When I say genuine, obviously--
Alan
Invisible planes!
Stephen
Yeah, something that exists.
Phill
Superman led the police to develop bulletproof vests.
Stephen
It isn't that, but you're on exactly the right lines.
Phill
I know, because I know coppers have got, like, a net they shoot at you, like Spiderman.
Jonathan
That would be Spiderman's thing, wouldn't it? Yeah.
Stephen
Yes, but that's an old Roman Retiarius trick.
Erm, who was . . . Who was Spiderman's arch-enemy, mostly?
Jonathan
Mostly it was the Green Goblin.
Stephen
There was another one called King Pin?
Jonathan
King Pin . . . Well he's not . . . Well, he was Spidey's, but recently he's become Daredevil's main foe.
Stephen
Has he?
Jonathan
He lives in Hell's Kitchen, and it's over more like 49th Street; Daredevil fights him a lot more. But recently--
Stephen
And what did he do in 1979, in order to keep tabs on Spiderman? So that he always knew where Spidey was.
Alan
ASBO.
Stephen
Not an ASBO! But you're exactly . . . You're exactly on the right lines. It's more technical.
Alan
What, he put something on him that you can trace?
Stephen
Yes.
Alan
Some sort of . . .
Stephen
An electronic tagging bracelet.
Alan
An electronic tagging device.
Jonathan
Ooh! I didn't realise that came from there.
Stephen
In 1979. And a judge, rather splendidly named Judge Jack Love of Albuquerque, New Mexico--
Alan.
[American southern accent] "Judge Love."
Stephen
[American southern accent] "Judge Love," exactly.
Alan
"I stand before you, Judge Love."
Stephen
"You are in the court of Love!"
Yeah, anyway, he did exist.
Alan
"Thanks Judge Love. I've got a present for you, Judge Love."
Stephen
And Judge Love had, like many a judge . . . had an incredibly full series of cells. And he reasoned, having seen this cartoon, why not develop a real thing like this? So instead of prisoners going into prison, they can be electronically tagged. And he was the inventor of the electronic tag. But it was directly from a Spiderman comic.
You can say, "I'm really cool," as I believe young people say, "because, erm . . . because I have a really 'wicked', erm--"
Jonathan
He's so good.
Stephen
"--bracelet, innit, guy." So, there you are.
Alan
The Stealth Bomber, the invisible plane. Wonder Woman had an invisible plane.
Jonathan
Can I tell you about Wonder Woman? Wonder Woman's creator was William Moulton Marston--
Stephen
Absolutely--
Jonathan
--who wrote . . . who wrote under the pen name of Charles Moulton, who was in a polygamous and indeed polyamous relationship, with a woman who co-created Wonder Woman, and another lezzer on the side.
Stephen
Absolutely right! Yep. No, you're right, he married his wife Elizabeth at twenty-two years of age, and then carried on this affair with Olive.
Jonathan
And I think they moved in together, didn't they?
Stephen
They all moved in together; he had two children by each, and then when he died, Olive and Elizabeth stayed together right up until the death of Olive in the '80s.
Jonathan
I think that's a rather beautiful story.
Stephen
It is a lovely story.
Rich
I'll tell you something interesting about Spiderman.
Stephen
Mm.
Rich
Originally, he was called "Spidermann", and, er, and he was Jewish. He couldn't fight crime on the Sabbath.
Stephen
Look, I'm so impressed with Jonathan knowing the full name of William Moulton Marston, but he came to the attention of DC Comics, to the great Max Gains--
Jonathan
Yes.
Stephen
--whom you will know of, the publisher of DC Comics.
Jonathan
Actually, Max Gains, I believe, published EC Comics, didn't he? And then when he died in a boating accident, his son William C Gains took over, moving from "True Tales from the Bible and Stories to Amuse Children" into the EC line of horror comics that then came to the attention of the U.S. Senate when comics were investigated, after a certain Dr Frederick Wertham brought out a book called Seduction of the Innocent in 1954, calling for the introduction of a self-regulating body known as the Comic Code Authority that had such ridiculous rules as you could not use the word "FLICK" in a comic for fear that the "L" and the "I" would run together and Spiderman was saying, "LOOK, HE'S GOT A FUCK KNIFE!" This is all true.
Stephen
Fabulous.
Jonathan
This is true.
Stephen
I love that. That is brilliant. And to think that almost everyone I know thinks you're a course, vain, loud-mouthed . . .
But we still haven't come to the root of . . . of--
Alan
Bulletproof wristbands she had.
Stephen
--Marston . . . No, he invented something else. A psychology professor.
Alan
Oh.
Stephen
He was very interested in people's response under stress.
Jonathan
Under stress?
Stephen
And he discovered that blood pressure increased when people were under pressure.
Phill
The lie detector.
Jonathan
Was it the lie detector?
Stephen
The lie detector!
Jonathan
[points at Phill]
Stephen
So, there you are. We have the lie detector and we have the electronic tagging system, so that only leaves us with Superman himself. What was the most popular effusion of Superman, if you like, in the 40s? It wasn't the comic book; it was . . . ?
Phill
It was the . . . the Su—
Alan
The radio?
Stephen
The radio. Absolutely.
Alan
"Up up and away."
Stephen
And there was a man called Stetson Kennedy, who in the 1940s, decided that the most loathsome organisation in the United States of America was the Ku Klux Klan. And he infiltrated the Ku Klux Klan and he learned their secret language, their hierarchies, their codes and their gossip, in his particular part of the world.
[Viewscreens: Picture of the Ku Klux Klan burning a cross.]
Rich
Oh, man, of all the pictures you would have to show!
Stephen
I know. It's not good.
Rich
[pointing at viewscreen] That's my uncle in there.
Stephen
Anyway, he decided that the most popular thing around was Superman on the radio, so he wrote to the producers and said, "Here's a plot line for you. Why don't you have Superman fight the Ku Klux Klan?" Because he fought Mussolini; he's fought Hitler . . . And within two weeks of the four week episode in which Superman fights the Ku Klux Klan, the recruitment went to zero. So he was a crime fighter, Superman.
Jonathan
In real life as well as in fiction.
Stephen
In real life. Yeah.
Jonathan
How wonderful. I did not know any of that. I go home a better person.
Stephen
Now, children have invented some pretty useful stuff themselves. Earmuffs were invented by children. The calculator; the trampoline; the state flag of Alaska itself.
The great child author, Roald Dahl: What was his greatest invention?
Jonathan
[presses buzzer, which neither lights up nor sounds]
Stephen
Yeah, go on. Oh, hello.
Jonathan
[lifts his buzzer up from its hole in the desk, revealing its wiring]
Stephen
Oh! Oh, my goodness!
Jonathan
[replaces buzzer and presses it again; it works, saying, "Am I bovvered?"]
Jonathan
Fixed it! I do know this--
Stephen
Yes, go on. Tell.
Jonathan
--because I've been many times to the Roald Dahl Museum on school trips.
Stephen
In Great Missenden.
Jonathan
Yes, it's a beautiful place; it's a wonderful day out. Er, I've often thought though, for the bored father, maybe they could have a Roald Dahl-themed brothel next door, with a kind of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory theme; you know: Willy Wonka, bring your own. But . . .
Stephen
Or for the grown-ups, "chocolate and the Charlie factory", where they could have lots of free Charlies, erm . . . .But, anyway . . .
Jonathan
And you find out about Roald Dahl's life when you're there, and, er, he had . . . One of his children, I think it was his son, was very ill; I think he caught an illness or he had an accident of some sort.
Stephen
Well, actually, he had an . . . an accident in New York. He was hit by a car.
Jonathan
And Roald Dahl was involved, I believe, not alone, but with other people, in inventing some kind of a valve or some sort of a device that the injured person needed in his body.
Stephen
I'm going to have to give the man lots and lots of points. Yep. It's called the Wade-Dahl-Till valve. His son Theo was in a car accident in New York, and he hurt his head to the extent that he got hydrocephalus.
Jonathan
That's water on the brain, isn't it?
Stephen
Water on the brain, exactly. And the cure was to put a valve in, but it was a very clunkily-designed valve that often got jammed and stuck, which meant big surgical intervention. And Dahl thought, "This isn't good enough," so he went to his friends, and they devised this, er, valve. Three thousand children at least have probably had their lives saved and certainly their outcomes massively improved.
Well, I'll ask you another question. The Oompa Loompas: What colour are they?
Jonathan
Their faces are orange; their hair is yellow; we don't know about their nether regions.
Stephen
Did you say "orange"?
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "ORANGE".]
Stephen
No, I'm talking about the original Oompa Loompa's; the Oompa Loompa's of Roald Dahl's--
Jonathan
In the book itself?
Stephen
Mm.
Jonathan
Aren't they from Africa?
Stephen
Yes, you see; you've reclaimed yourself. His publishers, Knopf, made them orange, because they felt black pygmies slaving away in a factory was a slightly kind of unfortunate--
Alan
So now they're all orange like Girls Aloud.
Stephen
Now they're . . . Exactly, exactly. Green hair, orange, white eyebrows.
Alan
I saw a Sherlock Holmes film once--
Stephen
Yeah.
Alan
--and people kept getting murdered quite near a circus. [pauses dramatically]
Jonathan
Seen any other films?
Alan
And people were getting murdered, and they'd be in a room, and there'd only be a tiny little window or something, and about an hour in, er, Holmes turns to Watson and says, "I've got one word to say to you Watson: pygmies."
Stephen
That is deathless!
Alan
And there were some . . . there were some pygmies at the circus, and they were being sent out to do the bidding of an evil circus owner.
Jonathan
I love the idea that we can go back to a happier time when pygmies are the prime suspect for most crimes. So much easier to pick out in an identity parade. [runs his finger horizontally then drops it sharply] That one.
Stephen
It's political correctness . . . It's political correctness gone mad, isn't it.
Jonathan
I once saw a very fine, er, Saturday night French television show, which didn't involve a midget as such, but it involved a small, tiny dwarf elephant that came out and danced and performed and capered around like nobody's business; you wouldn't believe it. And I was sitting watching this . . . I was in a hotel room and I was saying, "This is the best thing I've ever seen in my life." Where . . . (A) Where did they find such a tiny elephant? (B) How do you teach a tiny elephant to perform like that, you know?
Stephen
Yeah.
Jonathan
Turned out at the end of the act . . . He unzipped it; there was a dog inside. One of . . . one of the best acts I've seen in my entire life. And yet now, it's such an obvious idea.
Stephen
Yeah! Anyway, there we are.
Now, from Oompa Loompa's, politically incorrect little people, to badly behaved little pink extraterrestials*. Alan, could you press your buzzer and tell me what it's saying?
Alan
[presses buzzer, which plays a clip of Clanger speech]
It's a Clanger. Definitely a Clanger.
Stephen
It is. It's a famous episode; it was in episode three of series one, which was called "Chicken". See if you can work out what is being said. Erm, we've got a little clip.
[Viewscreens: Video clip of the Clangers starts playing.]
Alan
They've got a little--
[Viewscreens: A Clanger rises out of a manhole and whistles the excerpt from Alan's buzzer.]
Stephen
Because the performers generally have words in their head.
[Viewscreens: The Clanger goes to a stuck door and hits it so that it will open.]
Stephen
There it is. And what he's saying is, "Oh, sod it, the bloody thing's stuck again." And you can hear it again. Let's hear it again.
Alan
[presses buzzer, which plays the Clanger speech]
[mouths along]
Stephen
There it is.
Alan
You know what?
Stephen
It is. Yeah.
So, the creator of--
Jonathan
[presses buzzer, which says, "Am I bovvered?"]
Stephen
Yeah.
Jonathan
Oliver Postgate.
Stephen
The great--
Jonathan
Oh, the great Oliver.
Stephen
I think you cannot say Oliver Postgate without saying "the great".
Jonathan
Noggin the Nog!
Stephen
Noggin the Nog. Pogles Wood.
Jonathan
Did he do Bagpuss?
Stephen
And the greatest of the great, Bagpuss.
But he and Peter Firmin, who was his partner--they used to produce these things in a barn and they'd take a month to do each episode--
Jonathan
Oh, they're brilliant though, aren't they?
Stephen
They are absolutely wondrous, aren't they?
Jonathan
Well, here's an interesting bit of Clanger trivia for you.
Stephen
Yeah.
Jonathan
I think the Clangers appeared on an episode of Doctor Who.
Stephen
The man is right. The man is absolutely right.
Jonathan
[raises arms triumphantly, then tosses his Pudsey Bear into the air and catches it]
Stephen
It was, in fact, their largest ever audience in 1972. They got ten million viewers by appearing in an episode called "The Sea Devils".
But anyway, there's only one language even more suggestive than the Clangers. What language did Bill and Ben, the Flowerpot Men, speak?
Alan
"Flobbadob."
Stephen
Flobbadob? No.
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "FLOBADOB".]
Stephen
No. You see, the awful thing is, you probably thought it was Flobbadob, because that's what we said a couple of years ago. We've saluted one great genius for children's television, the great Oliver Postgate. There is another, the great voice genius Peter Hawkins.
We, unfortunately, said that the Flobbadob language was called "Flobbadob", and that it came from the sound of creator Hilda Brabban's younger brothers farting in the bath. And saying, "Oh, flobbadob," like that; it sounded like "flobbadob". And we got a very--if I may say so--terse, tart letter from Silas Hawkins, the son of Peter Hawkins, himself a voice actor.
[reads off QI card]
"The fart in the bath story was trotted out last year in an episode of Stephen Fry's otherwise admirable quiz show, QI. It"--the story--"first appeared some twenty years ago in a newspaper article, to which my father immediately wrote a rebuttal, and which was obviously ferreted out by some BBC researcher for QI. It may be 'Quite Interesting' but, in this case, it just isn't true."
So we apologise, Mr Silas Hawkins. Their language is called "Oddle Poddle". "Flobadob" actually means "flowerpot" in Oddle Poddle. [breaks straight face] I cannot believe I just said that! [looks down disbelievingly and clasps his head]
But with that descendent gibberish, I would like to take us now outside the headmaster's study, where we get a damn good weekly thrashing of General Ignorance. So, fingers on buzzers, please. Who can hum the most listened-to tune in the world?
Jonathan
[presses buzzer, which says, "Am I bovvered?"]
Stephen
Yes?
Jonathan
[imitates the "crazy frog" ringtone]
Stephen
Oh, dear.
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "CRAZY FROG".]
Jonathan
Ahh!
Stephen
You've been doing so well.
Jonathan
The shame, the shame.
Alan
He didn't go--[vocalizes the signature Nokia ringtone].
Stephen
--is the right answer! Do you know who wrote it?
Alan
Someone in Finland.
Stephen
No, it's Spanish; A Spanish composer, a genuine Spanish composer called--
Alan
[vocalises the Nokia ringtone again, this time with an unmistakably Spanish lilt]
[Viewscreens: Two pictures of Francisco Tárrega in profile.]
Alan
It's Robbie Williams!
Stephen
It is! It's Robbie Williams.
Alan
It's Robbie Williams with one of those comedy glasses and beard things.
Stephen
His name was Francisco Tárrega, er--
Alan
[Spanish accent] "Tárrega!"
Stephen
--and it's his "Gran Vals". Would you like to hear it?
Jonathan
Yes.
Stephen
Here it is, the original.
[The relevant part of Tárrega's "Gran Vals" is played.]
Stephen
It doesn't end with the final note. It just goes--[vocalizes tune, dropping off for the last note].
Alan
You see, they've hung up.
Jonathan
And does a bloke in Spanish shout, "HOLA!! HOLA!"
Stephen
It is a--
Alan
"ESTOY EN TREN!"
Stephen
Very good. Excellent. Well, that's . . . that is the man. He died in 1909, but the billionth phone was made not long ago. I think it's something like six-and-a-half phones a second are produced by the Nokia company.
Jonathan
And a remarkable achievement, 'cause it isn't actually that annoying, even though you've heard it so many times.
Stephen
If we want to hear it on a phone it sounds like this:
[The ringtone version of Tárrega's tune is played.]
Stephen
It's that "ee" on the end. And the original again, from Tárrega, which is like this:
[Tárrega's "Gran Vals" is played again.]
Jonathan
He probably thought, "If I put another note on there, they'll use this on a fucking phone."
Stephen
Anyway, Fern Cotton and Terry Wogan are, of course, the great heroes behind this evening of all evenings. So, does anyone know anything interesting about ferns?
Alan
Fern's what?
Stephen
Ferns. If you know anything interesting about Fern's anything, do tell me.
Phill
[Newcastle accent] "They make a canny noise like."
Stephen
I beg your pardon?
Phill
"Ferns make a canny noise!"
Stephen
[stares at Phill, bewildered]
Alan
[Newcastle accent, with hand to ear as a phone receiver] "I'm speaking on the fern."
Stephen
Oh, I see! [buries face in hands] Sorry. But "cunny" means . . . means the female pudenda, it means the . . .
Jonathan
[shakes head amusedly]
Phill
[buries his face in his hands]
Stephen
It does!
Jonathan
You know what?
Alan
They make a noise like a female pudenda!
Phill
Never, ever, ever go to Newcastle, you!
Stephen
It's an English word! Meaning--
Phill
You'll go up there and they'll be, "Whoaa!!"
There's that great joke about the little soldier who's with General Custer--
Stephen
Yeah?
Phill
--and they can hear the--[bangs on desk in imitation of war drums]. And . . . and he says to the little Geordie soldier, "Listen, they've got war drums." And the Geordie soldier goes, "The thieving bastards?"
Stephen
[through laughter of other panellists] No, I do confess myself defeated there. Is it like a naval wardroom? Is that what they're saying? "Wardrooms"?
Phill
[drops completely to the desk in anguish]
Stephen
Well, it's where the naval officers gather for their pink gins; it's called the "wardroom".
Phill
[clutching desperately his bear] Oh, Pudsey, make him stop.
Stephen
"They've got wardrooms, the thieving bastards." What . . . "They've got--"?
Phill
In Newcastle they say . . . they say--
Alan
Instead of saying "our", they say "war".
Phill
--instead of "our", they say "war".
Stephen
[briskly] Well, they must go to school; it's just ridiculous. I'm sorry. Not good enough. Anyway.
Ferns! Tell me about ferns.
Alan
[loudly] Fern's what?
Stephen
Tell me about "fern".
Alan
They're poisonous.
Stephen
You're absolutely right. They are.
Jonathan
Some ferns are carcinogenic.
Stephen
You're absolutely right again.
Jonathan
Aren't ferns also, apart from moss, I believe, the oldest plant on the planet?
Stephen
Yeah, you're right. They're three times older than dinosaurs. Older than any land animal.
Phill
And they seed by--[flings his arm outward]--
Stephen
That's right, they cast out.
Phill
They flick it out. They go "boom!"--like that.
Stephen
Yes.
Alan
Boom-shaka-boom, shake the room!
Stephen
Yeah.
Phill
No, they--[continues to flick his arm]--"Wah! Wah!"
Stephen
They fling their seed across the room.
Jonathan
You know what, I was doing that when I was about fourteen, and--
Stephen
[dismissively] Aw, yeah . . .
And so to the other hero of the evening, of course, I'd like to know: Where does Terry Wogan come from?
Jonathan
They're pygmies aren't they, the Wogan family? Isn't there a . . . Is there not a link?
Stephen
Which country?
Alan
Ireland.
Stephen
Oh, thank you for saying that.
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "IRELAND".]
Stephen
No, they're the Welsh. They're the Gwgan's originally.
Alan
The land of my fathers?
Stephen
That's right, he comes from the land of the valleys, where the Davies's come from, yes. Yes. Oh, yes.
Alan
Oh, I see. He doesn't sound like it.
Stephen
No, he doesn't, because he himself grew up in Ireland, and his family came from Wales originally, and there was a Sir John Wogan who left in 1295 for Ireland, and all Wogans in Ireland are said to descend from this Welsh Ireland. But there's one thing he's done, this . . . this Wogan, which is a unique sporting achievement.
Jonathan
What, our Wogan? Oh, I know what this is.
Stephen
Yeah, go on.
Jonathan
Er, he hit the longest recorded putt on television.
Stephen
Absolutely right, longer than any professional golfer. Thirty-three yard putt at Gleneagles. I've seen it. It's amazing.
Rich
[presses buzzer, which says, "Flobadobadob!"]
Stephen
Er, Rich?
Rich
Ever since the Clangers, I've been lost.
Stephen
Oh! It's . . . I think--
Rich
The last picture I recognised was the KKK, and that's pretty sad.
Stephen
Anyway, erm, finally, what percentage of money donated to Children In Need actually goes to cover administration costs? What percentage--
Jonathan
[presses buzzer, which says, "Am I bovvered?"]
Stephen
Yes?
Jonathan
Ninety percent.
Stephen
It would be disappointing if that were true. It is--I'm happy to say--less than that.
Alan
None! None at all!
Stephen
You're right. Nada. Not one percent goes.
Alan
There's no administration at all. It's a shamble!
Stephen
Oh, my goodness me!
The first Children In Need telethon. What year would you guess it was?
Alan
1979.
Stephen
Oh, you're only one year out!
Alan
1978.
Stephen
[in same tone] Oh, wrong way! It's 1980. And how much did it raise?
Jonathan
Twenty pounds.
Stephen
It was about one million. Last year's appeal: £17,235,256.
Jonathan
Wow.
Alan
Well that's not very good in terms of the rate of inflation, is it?
Stephen
Are you urging the public to do better?
Alan
They've probably got other things to spend their money on.
Stephen
[loudly] That's not how it works!
All cynicism aside, it is a splendid thing--
Jonathan
Yes.
Stephen
--that Children In Need exists and does so well and has made so much money, and it's all thanks to people like you.
[The Children in Need phone number overlays the screen.]
Stephen
Thank them all very much. Speaking of which, I have some marking to do, and my goodness me. As I'm in a charitable mood, I shall give the scores in millions. And we have a clear winner: with three million points, our first-timer Jonathan Ross, ladies and gentlemen.
Jonathan
Thank you. I . . . I feel it was a team effort.
Stephen
Because in second place, ladies and gentlemen, with two million points, Rich Hall.
Rich
[looks incredulous]
Stephen
With one million points, in third place, Phill Jupitus.
Phill
[to Alan, realising where that leaves him] Again?
Stephen
And I'm afraid in bottom place--
Alan
[chortles] "Bottom place."
Stephen
--with an extraordinary minus-twenty nine million, it's Alan Davies.
Alan
Thank you very much.
Stephen
My thanks, of course, to Rich, Jonathan, Phill, and Alan. And I leave you with the wise advice about your little ones, and it comes from Robert Orben. "Never raise your hand to your children. It leaves your mid section unprotected." Good night.