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Series 3, Episode 2
Transcript by: Sarah Falk
With thanks to: Erin, for the French transliteration of Arthur Smith's pork sausage kebab joke.
TRANSCRIPT
StephenWith thanks to: Erin, for the French transliteration of Arthur Smith's pork sausage kebab joke.
TRANSCRIPT
Well! Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, for a very special operatic edition, featuring the vocal talents of Arthur Smith . . . Andy Hamilton . . . Doon Mackichan . . . and Alan Davies. Better known as three tenors and a fiver. Erm, now, in front of each of you--
Alan
[with knotted brow, mouths the word "fiver"]
Stephen
--is an ordinary wine glass. At the end of the programme, er, there's a 50 point bonus for anyone who can break it using the power of the voice alone. In the meantime, let's hear your buzzer noises. Doon goes:
Doon
[presses buzzer, which sings as a soprano]
Stephen
And Arthur goes:
Arthur
[presses buzzer, which sings as a tenor]
Stephen
Andy goes:
Andy
[presses buzzer, which sings as a bass]
Stephen
That's rather good. And Alan goes:
Alan
[presses buzzer, which howls]
[Viewscreens: Video of waves washing ashore onto a rocky beach.]
Stephen
Now, gentlemen. Which one of you would like to smother Doon Mackichan in goose fat?
Doon
[looks uncertain]
Andy
Again? . . . [suddenly realizing] Oh, I know--
Alan
You've swam miles in the sea, haven't you?
Arthur
Yeah, you swam the Channel.
Doon
I swam from Shakespeare Beach, in Dover, to Cap Gris-Nez, in France.
Stephen
This woman has swum the Channel, ladies and gentlemen!
Doon
[does several powerful breaststrokes]
[gestures to the appropriately-themed viewscreens]
Thank you.
Stephen
And were you smothered in goose fat?
Doon
Yeah, it wasn't actually goose fat. It was just normal--
Stephen
Vaseline.
Doon
--Vaseline from a tub.
Alan
Jam?
Doon
Jam? No, it wasn't jam.
Alan
Peanut butter?
Doon
No, that's in your head.
Stephen
Yes. And we'd like it to stay there.
In 1998? Is that right?
Doon
That is right. Captain Webb was the first man to swim across the Channel, in 18-something . . . You probably know.
Stephen
1875. August the 24th. Well, I've always known that, 'cause that's my birthday. Erm--
Doon
Ahh.
Stephen
Yeah.
Doon
Well, he had goose fat, but in the Channel, in those days, it wasn't full of condoms and regurgitated beer, and turds, which is what I was swimming through; it was all phosphorescence and dolphins and--
Stephen
He took 21 hours, I think. How long did you take?
Doon
Well, we swam in a . . . with some paratroopers, so I wasn't . . . It wasn't a solo relay.
Stephen
Ah, well this was a sexual adventure! It wasn't . . .
You know what happened to Captain Webb?
Doon
He died--
Arthur
Yes, I do. He drowned attempting to swim across the bottom of Niagara Falls.
Stephen
Congratulations. I'll give you points for that. Absolutely right. Well done. Yep.
Doon
And he was addicted to fame. He became addicted to having to do more and more daring swimming feats.
Arthur
And there's a statue of him, isn't there, somewhere?
Stephen
Presumably, on the south coast. I don't know.
Alan
Under the water!
Stephen
"Under the water!"
Andy
It's at Idiot's Bend at Niagara.
Arthur
Did you ever read that book about the history of swimming called The Haunt of the Black Masseurs?
Doon
Yeah.
Arthur
It's a very interesting book. 'Cause, kind of . . . No one swam, really, before the Romantics--
Stephen
No. Byron famously swam the Hellespont.
Arthur
Exactly. He said it was the best thing he ever did.
Stephen
Yes, he did it with a man called Lieutenant Etonhead.
Arthur
Oh, all right, you win!
Stephen
No, no! That's not . . . that's not how this works. We share.
Arthur
I'm sorry.
Stephen
We share information.
Arthur
Every fact I give you, you've got a slightly more impressive one!
Stephen
No! . . . So, Alan, let's turn to you, anyway. Erm . . . Alan, who or what is cummingtonite?
Alan
[giggles] Well, I don't know. The night is young, Stephen . . .
Stephen
Let me just say that "cummingtonite" is one word.
Andy
Ah.
Alan
"Cummingtonite".
Arthur
Oh, it's a . . . Maybe it's a website!
Stephen
No . . . Oh, dear, I'm sure we looked it up. It could be.
Andy
Is it a small village?
Arthur
Yes.
Stephen
Well . . .
Alan
Is it . . . is it "cummingtonite" as in, like, "kryptonite"?
Stephen
Yes!
Alan
Like some sort of a . . . a met— . . . a metallic thing?
Andy
Ah.
Stephen
It's a mineral. Well done. I'll give you a couple of points for that.
Alan
Points! [pumps arm]
Stephen
Cummingtonite. It is cummingtonite. There's a small town in Massachusetts called Cummington, and they discovered a rock there, which is known as "cummingtonite". Other comedy compounds, er, have been named after the diagrams of their molecular structure. So what do you suppose this one is called?
[Viewscreens: Picture of a penguin-shaped molecular diagram with the word "Penguinone" clearly labeled above it.]
Stephen
[in realization] Oh, well, you don't have to . . . [breaks off and buries head on desk].
Andy
Yeah . . .
Doon
[raises hand] This is the only question I will get right.
Stephen
Yeah?
Doon
It's penguinone!
Stephen
Well done! Brilliant!
Andy
That's why Penguinone pasta is that shape as well.
Stephen
And that's why our Art and Special Effects Department are--
Doon
Fired.
Alan
Looking for a job.
Stephen
--reaching for their cards.
Doon
[coughs]
Stephen
Exactly. They're gonna try another one, though, and this time, they're gonna see if they can hide the answer. So, what about this one?
[Viewscreens: Picture of a pyrrole ring with an arsenic atom substituted for the bottom nitrogen atom.]
Stephen
Ooh. It looks like the front of an ant, doesn't it?
Alan
Now you're thinking head-on. On with you.
Stephen
Yeah.
Alan
It's quite frightening, actually.
Stephen
Well, let's test our art department and see if they can, er, put up the answer for you.
[Viewscreens: The compound is labeled with the word "Arsole".]
Stephen
There you are! . . . That is . . . It is a cyclical compound of arsenic. It's called . . . "Arsole".
There's a thing called moronic acid. Do you know about that? To whom would you give moronic acid?
Andy
Is it the scientific name for Newkie Brown? Is that what it is?
Stephen
Very good. It's from the herb Rhus javanica, and it's given to people with herpes.
Er, now, Doon. A cuisine question, er, for you. Er, have you ever had a deep-fried Mars Bar?
Doon
I have had a deep-fried Curly Wurly.
Stephen
Have you really?
Doon
Yes. In--
Alan
Did you batter it?
Doon
It was battered . . . In my local chip shop in Fife, you could have the chocolate bar of your choice.
Stephen
Wow.
Doon
You could hold it in the paper.
Stephen
[exhales]
Doon
And it's . . . yeah.
Stephen
Did it . . . I mean, was the batter . . . Did the batter cover it completely, or were there still little holes--
Doon
No, the batter . . . No, sadly not.
Stephen
The pierced effect.
Doon
Sadly, not a latticework of beauty, no.
Stephen
No.
Doon
Just a . . . just a lump of greasy fat. [forms the shape of the concoction with her hands, running her fingers up and down a giant shaft]
Stephen
[hides face in his fist, then covers his mouth with his hand]
Doon
Heart attack!
Stephen
Can you stop doing that? [imitates Doon's suggestive hand motions]
Doon
[throws her arms up in mock exasperation]
But you can get, erm, deep-fried salad--
Stephen
Oh, no.
Doon
That's, er, crispy seaweed. Otherwise known as.
Stephen
Ah, good point. That is deep-fried salad.
Doon
But, yes. No, in Scotland, you seem to be able to get anything deep-fried.
Stephen
But there is some evidence that they'd been taking on-board the government's advice about health and the Mediterranean diet: You can get deep-fried pizza as well, can't you?
Doon
Yep.
Stephen
Extraordinary, isn't it? [to the other side of the table] Have you ever had it? You've been over there many times.
Arthur
I haven't. You know, I have heard tell of this strange beast--
Stephen
Yeah.
Arthur
--erm, and many comedians would do jokes about deep-fried Mars Bars. But I never had the courage to have them. They were always odd to me, Scottish chip shops, generally, you know.
Stephen
[Scottish accent] "Carry oot!"
Arthur
Well, you know, they say, "Can I have a fish supper?" And I . . . you know, "supper" means "--and chips".
Stephen
That's right! Exactly.
Arthur
I kind of thought I'd go in and, you know, ask for a . . . a supper supper. See if I could buy two lots of chips.
Doon
But you can also buy individual cigarettes there, so to add insult to injury--
Arthur
Yeah.
Doon
--you could also, to add to your heart attack, then buy a single No. 6--
Arthur
Yeah.
Alan
Fry them?
Doon
--and quickly have it. Deep-fried!
Arthur
Deep-fried!
Stephen
Deep-fried Kensitas.
Doon
Deep-fried No. 6. Deep-fried Benson and Hedges are really good.
Stephen
Ooh.
Arthur
Everything in there was deep-fried.
Doon
Yeah.
Arthur
You came out, you were deep-fried yourself. And that is Scottish cuisine.
Doon
Yeah.
Andy
But, er . . . Isn't a deep-- . . . Is that not a myth, a deep-fried Mars Bar?
Stephen
Well, no. It isn't a myth, and that's really why we asked, because some people think it is a myth.
Doon
Right.
Stephen
It absolutely isn't a myth at all.
Alan
No, no.
Stephen
It really, really, really does exist.
Alan
I've seen it.
[Viewscreens: Picture of a deep-fried Mars Bar, broken in two to show the gooey innards.]
Stephen
There's one.
Audience in General
[groans]
Andy
Can we talk about herpes again, please?
Stephen
Were these the kind of things you were swimming into, when you were going across the Channel?
Alan
It's a deep-fried turd.
Stephen
Pretty horrific. Yeah, there was a . . . there was a Mark Petticrew of the MRC Social and Public Health Sciences Unit who surveyed 300 shoppes; 22% of them sold deep-fried Mars Bars.
Doon
Yeah.
Stephen
But he also came across deep-fried Creme Eggs, ice cream, bananas, and Rolos. And to that, we add . . .
Doon
Curly Wurly.
Stephen
Curly Wurly. What do they look like, again?
Doon
[raises hands to demonstrate, then stops] I'm not . . .
Stephen
Nearly got you. In Glasgow, perhaps the least-healthy food ever sold, is the deep-fried pork sausage kebab. Erm . . .
Doon
[holds a hand to her heart]
Stephen
You take a pork sausage, you wrap it in doner kebab meat, coat it in batter, and deep-fry it.
Doon
Oh, stop. I can't breathe.
Stephen
It's 1000 of your best calories, and 46 grams of fat.
Arthur
Yeah, but . . . But, you know, if you called it, you know, "Saucisson en croûte", er, "avec un coulis superbe" . . . you could charge 25 quid for it!
Stephen
But instead, in Glasgow, they call it a [hoarse Scottish accent] "stonner"! [in same accent] Do you know . . . do you know a "stonner"?
Doon
Oh, yeah. A stonner.
Stephen
Do you know what it means? It means an erection.
Doon
Oh, does it?
Stephen
[in different Scottish voice] "It means a stiffy, aye." That's a Scottish accent, apparently.
Andy
Which part of Scotland was that?
Stephen
Well, do you know, the part I love . . . Do you know, there's a marvellous story about Maggie Smith, when she was going to play Miss Jean Brodie, and she was going [as Maggie Smith], "Oh, God, I can't do a bloody Scottish accent." And a friend of hers said, "Well, I've got an aunt who lives in Morningside," which is just the right area for Jean Brodie, that very refined Scottish accent. She said, "Call her up, and, you know, offer to take her out to tea." And so, Maggie Smith called up, and said [gradually slipping into Maggie Smith's voice], "Hello, it's Maggie Smith. I don't know if you know the novel The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie," she said, "but I'm playing that character and I'd love for . . . Apparently, you have a very, very charming Morningside accent, and I'd like to take you to tea, and maybe with a tape recorder, and . . . " There was a very frigid pause. She said [with refined Scottish accent], "My dear, I have been told I have no accent whatever!" And she put the phone down, completely insulted!
And there are Scots . . . I remember talking to [with a deep, unusual Scottish accent] one Scot, who spoke a form of Scottish where he was convinced that everyone thought he sounded English! There is absolutely nothing I am saying which ought to lead you to believe that I am Scottish. Absolutely every vowel is pure English! [as himself] And yet, it sounded more Scottish than the worst Glaswegian drunk in a Soho doorway! . . . Erm, there you are.
Arthur
You were doing so well.
Stephen
Yes. Sorry. [in very hoarse Scottish accent] "I know you, aye. They do that voice . . . I don't know; it goes--"
Arthur
Really, I've got to say, Stephen, it's been a bewildering array of Scottish accents!
Stephen
[flips hand at Arthur playfully] Anyway, we move from "Scotland" into something quite unconnected, and that's the world of "crime". Now . . . please. Oh, no. Anyway. Now, although it has been illegal for many, many years, er, some tribal authorities in Nigeria still cling to "ordeal by bean". I want to know what that is.
Arthur
Well, I've certainly had that. When you're, you know, when you're stuck on an aeroplane--
Stephen
Yeah.
Arthur
--and you're forced to watch seven episodes of Mr Bean.
Stephen
Oh!
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "MR BEAN".]
Alan
I'm gonna fall back on my usual theory, which is it's gonna be inserted about your person somewhere.
Stephen
Oh, it's a nice thought, isn't it, to have a bean popped in, but it's not that.
Doon
Is it to find out if . . . if ladies are witches? Do they force-feed them beans, and then if they fart, they are witches, and then they die anyway, and that's--
Stephen
You're absolutely along the right lines. It's that kind of an ordeal. It's a bean that is so poisonous that one of its seeds is a lethal dose. And it's a Nigerian tribal custom, which is outlawed, but still, apparently, carries on.
Alan
If you deep-fried it, would it be all right, then? You deep-fry it into submission?
Stephen
Well, the key, apparently, is to eat it very, very quickly.
Alan
Do you have deep-fried baked beans? Do they do that?
Stephen
Ooh.
Alan
How would you do them? Individually?
Stephen
I think you've spotted a gap in the market.
Alan
Put them in a little polystyrene cup, and then put batter 'round that.
Doon
No, just in the . . . just in the tin. Yeah.
Alan
Just in the tin, they do the whole tin.
Stephen
Yeah.
Arthur
I heard that 95% of the baked beans in the world are eaten in Britain. No one else eats baked beans. Apart from the Finns, or something. 20 Finns like a can.
Alan
Why can't other bean manufacturers make their beans taste like Heinz beans? All the other ones, you get . . . If they haven't got Heinz in, they don't taste . . . What's going on there? Can't they just get the sauce and do a bit of analysis, make it the same thing?
Andy
Are you just after a big shipment of Heinz baked beans? Is that what . . . 'cause that's pretty brazen, what you just . . . As advertisements go: "'There're no beans like Heinz!' says Alan Davies." . . . "There's no champagne like Krug!" That's what I always say.
[Viewscreens: Picture of a row of calabar beans.]
Stephen
There's a calabar bean, or a series of them.
Alan
So you eat one of them, and you'll die.
Stephen
Yes, so if you're innocent . . . Apparently, the idea is that if you eat them very, very, very, very quickly, really gulp them down, it hits a bit which makes you vomit them up very fast, whereas if you eat them slowly, they get right into your bloodstream. If you chew them. So in theory, innocent people eat more quickly than guilty people.
Erm, the calabar bean has helped us with anti-tetanus, and with . . . It's an antidote to strychnine. If someone's dying of strychnine poisoning . . .
Alan
You give them a lethal bean! And they won't die of strychnine!
Stephen
Exactly. They'd die of calabar.
Doon
But they might be a witch, so it's good that they die.
Stephen
That's true.
Doon
[nods seriously]
Arthur
I knew a witch. She was very nice.
Alan
Maybe never put a spell on you, though, eh?
Arthur
Or maybe she actually gave me a terrible time; put a spell on me to say what I'm saying now!
Stephen
Yes! True.
Alan
[in monotone] "She was very nice." [throws head back and cackles madly] "I'm not nice at all!" [cackles again]
Stephen
Well, now, erm, fourthly, erm, as it were: Arthur, why did Big Beard Wang regularly shave his pussy?
Arthur
Well, I'm afraid I'm disappointed that we've, er, got a cheap laugh from the word "pussy".
Stephen
I was thinking of "wang", actually.
Andy
"Wang."
Arthur
I think it's a person, perhaps.
Stephen
You're right.
Arthur
"Big Beard Wang", who . . . One could assume he had a large beard, er . . .
Alan
And he shaved his cat.
Stephen
Mm. Well, he was a barber. He was a barber to a very famous man.
Arthur
Was he a Chinese barber?
Andy
An emperor.
Stephen
He was a Chinese barber.
Andy
An emperor, was there?
Stephen
A kind of emperor, I suppose, though he would certainly not call himself one, but . . .
Arthur
Chairman Mao.
Stephen
Chairman Mao, indeed. And "Mao" is the Chinese for . . . ?
Alan
Cat.
Stephen
Cat! Exactly.
Andy
"Me-ow!"
Stephen
"Me-ow", you would think, but no, it really is. "Mao" is "cat".
Alan
Is that cat on the end of Chairman Mao's . . . ?
Arthur
That's why he's smiling!
Andy
I don't remember that as one of those communist posters.
Stephen
It means "cat", "Mao" . . . and it also means "hat", oddly enough. So Maozi li di Mao means "The Cat in the Hat".
The next question is purely a matter of choice for you, now. How old would you like to be? Arthur.
Arthur
I should like to be six.
Stephen
Six.
Arthur
Sixty-two, I think!
Stephen
Sixty-two!
Arthur
No, I'd like to be six, because it's marvellous to be six, because you're not aware of your own mortality. You think you're the center of the universe; days last a hundred years . . .
Stephen
Aww.
Arthur
It's always summer. . . . You can put your head in some custard and no one cares . . .
Stephen
You are arguing a very persuasive case for being six.
Alan
You get a lot of custard when you're six.
Stephen
You do get a lot of custard.
Alan
I haven't had nearly as much custard since I was a child. I probably had most . . . about 90% of my life's custard I think I had in the first 10 years.
Stephen
"Alan Davies: The Custard Years."
Alan
[nodding] And the fish-finger years as well. And the baked bean years!
No, I'd like to be twenty-six.
Stephen
Twenty-six?
Alan
Yeah, but that's just because of Denise Batchelor.
Stephen
[in an undertone] Who is Denise Batchelor?
Alan
Denise Batchelor is somebody I knew when I was twenty-six. She was marvellous.
Stephen
Aww. Do Batchelor make beans? They would be even more confusing.
Alan
Yeah, but they aren't as good as Heinz! Why aren't they?!
Arthur
Why doesn't someone else go into making beans? You always hear about Heinz. It's always Heinz. You know, why don't, er--
Alan
Gordon Ramsay. He could do beans.
Doon
Ramsay beans!
Stephen
Gordon Ramsay beans!
Doon
Yeah. "Fucking Beans", he'd say.
Stephen
It's a brilliant idea for a whole new range of Gordon Fucking Foods, isn't it? Fantastic.
Alan
On the instructions, it'll say, "Put it in the fucking saucepan, you fucking idiot! Show a bit of fucking passion!"
Stephen
Absolutely!
Alan
[mimes timidly putting beans into a saucepan and stirring them hurriedly]
Stephen
I'm gonna have to drag you back to our question, because I liked "six". Andy, what age would you like to be?
Andy
I'd like to be ninety.
Stephen
Ninety?
Andy
Yeah. I'd like people to think I was ninety. 'Cause then, you can get away with murder.
Stephen
'Course, coming with ninety, it is essential to say you're ninety all the time.
Andy
Yeah. "I'm ninety."
Stephen
"I'm ninety, you know."
Alan
My gran used to add a year! She'd say, "I'm seventy-five next year." "You're seventy-four, then, aren't you?"
Arthur
Thirty-five was a good year. I went out with this marvellous woman called Denise Batchelor!
Stephen
Doon, what about you? What's your ideal . . . What age would you like to be?
Doon
Well, I'd quite like to be a, sort of, a minute old.
Stephen
A min—
Doon
After the smack, and everything's washed off--
Stephen
An absolutely newborn baby.
Doon
--you're straight on the tit; you've got entertainment, you've got sleep, and you can cry all the time without anyone thinking you're weird.
Arthur
Yeah.
Doon
You lie on a sheepskin, and everyone just goes, "You are just beautiful. You--" [mimes pinching a baby's cheeks]
Stephen
And they do that--[blows a raspberry on his hand]--thing onto you, don't they?
Doon
Yeah, on your tummy. [mimes blowing onto a baby's stomach]
Andy
Well, you can do that to people again when you're ninety.
Doon
Yeah.
Stephen
[laughs] That's true! Spend your time on the tit . . .
Do you know what, er, according to market research's data monitor, who . . . who interviewed lots and lots and lots of people, children and adults liked, what the perfect age turned out to be?
Doon
Twenty-five.
Alan
Twenty-four, I was gonna say.
Andy
Er, thirty-one.
Arthur
Er, six!
Stephen
Surprisingly, the answer is seventeen.
Andy and Arthur
Oh, that was a terrible age!
Andy
Seventeen's a terrible age!
Arthur
Yeah, it was for me! I had, like, awful hair, spots--
Andy
Acne . . .
Arthur
--glasses--
Andy
Yeah, you were terrible, weren't you?
Arthur
Yeah. Awful--
Stephen
[almost unheard] I was in prison.
Arthur
I had a faint aroma about me . . .
Stephen
. . . as it happens! But, er . . .
Alan
And rightly so!
Stephen
And rightly so, absolutely.
Here's a very interesting thing to try and work out. From a man's point of view, the perfect age for a woman is said to be half his own age, plus seven. All right? So if you're forty, a twenty-seven-year-old; if you're twenty--
Alan
Denise Bachelor was thirty-three.
Stephen
[rolls his eyes]
Alan
Take it from me, that was the perfect age to be.
Stephen
Well, if you're twenty, that means that the girl would be seventeen, yes? Half your age plus seven. If you're thirteen . . . it would be thirteen, rather pleasingly.
Alan
So.
Doon
Ahh.
Stephen
Half your age . . . Well, it'd be thirteen-and-a-half, wouldn't it?
Arthur
[presses buzzer, which tenors]
Stephen
Yes, Arthur.
Arthur
[motioning to his buzzer] Well, I just haven't heard it, and . . .
Stephen
Ooh, try them all together!
Doon
Yes!
Stephen
What do they all sound like together?
Doon
One, two, three.
[All panellists press their buzzers together, which results in a cacophony of noise.]
Stephen
[without missing a beat] Hmm. Maybe not.
Let us more on to a round of General Ignorance. Fingers on the buzzers. Show me, roughly, how big is a platypus?
Alan
[presses buzzer, which howls]
Stephen
[looks in Andy's direction]
Andy
[points to Alan]
Alan
About that long. [holds hands about two feet apart]
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "ABOUT THIS BIG".]
Stephen
No!
Alan
"About this big" is wrong?
Stephen
Well, we're being very technical here. There's only one thing that's actually, technically, called a platypus, and that is actually a beetle.
[Viewscreens: Picture of a platypus beetle.]
Stephen
[gesturing to viewscreen] That's the real platypus. It was a sort of nickname given to the duck-billed platypus that we still use. What do you know about the duck-billed kind?
Alan
Only found in Australia; lives in the water; got a flat bill on the front--[puts palms of hands together]--like that . . . I've seen them in the zoo.
Stephen
There you are. Yeah. They're gorgeous.
Alan
They swim about. They're quite frisky. They're very cute, actually.
Stephen
Well, the first time a stuffed one appeared in . . . in Europe, people thought it was just a hoax, done by an Asian taxidermist. They absolutely refused to believe that it was a real animal. It was a beaver's tail, and a--
Arthur
You know, they used to have a . . . a thing in Horniman's Museum, and they used to have a . . . a seal, and it had underneath, brackets, "Badly stuffed."
Stephen
Sweet!
But, erm, they lay eggs, of course.
Andy
Are they poisonous?
Stephen
They're mammals, but they lay eggs.
Andy
Are they poisonous if you eat them?
Stephen
Now that's . . . I'm going to give you five points for that, because it's very . . . the only mammal on earth that has venom, yeah.
Andy
Mm.
Stephen
It is a poison spur. You're quite right. But which other mammal lays eggs? There's only one other kind. Do you know what kind--
Alan
Crocodile?
Stephen
No, mammal!
Alan
[unconcerned] Okay.
Arthur
A very, very strange dog.
Stephen
No, it's a . . . it's a spiny anteater, an echidna.
Alan
Oh.
Andy
Is a chicken not a mammal, then?
Stephen
No, it's a bird . . .
Andy
[laughs sheepishly, tongue protruding from his lips] Do you know what?
Stephen
Mammals are . . . "mammals" as in "mammaries".
Andy
Yeah.
Stephen
[starts gesturing to imaginary breasts on his own person] Mammals are animals that suckle their young. The point about it is it suckles; it gives off milk. But unlike most mammals, it doesn't have nipples, er . . . er, a platypus. It sweats milk.
Alan
[groans]
Stephen
Mm. I mean, in a sense, these . . . [inattentively traces small circles upon his chest] . . . Nipples are kind of like overgrown sebaceous, you know, little sweat glands. And that's what happens when milk was . . . And then it just became specialized--
Andy
[mimes holding his own imaginary breasts] Can you stop doing that?
Stephen
Sorry! [puts his hands firmly on the desk]
Anyway, yeah. They're . . . they're extraordinary creatures.
Arthur
Have you ever seen one in the wild?
Stephen
Never have. I'd love to.
Arthur
Have you ever been on a safari, Stephen?
Stephen
Yeah. I've been to see gorilla, and . . . To wake up in the jungle is one of the most joyous experiences you can ever have. I don't know what it is about it. The night is horrific. The noises, unspeakable. I mean, the things that are said; you're just falling off to sleep and someone goes, you know [in a parrot-y voice], "HAVE A NUT!" like that, and it's an animal of some kind! And then another one . . . another one says, "MY GRANDMOTHER'S DEAD!" like this, you know, "Da da da da!", like, and then [energetically] "Bleegh!" and then "Woo! Woo!" like this, and then, "Ahhrr!" And all happening this close to you! And you're just going like this . . . And then--
Arthur
That was a great party!
Stephen
Yeah.
Alan
You'd better sleep on the sofa!
Stephen
You turn the light on, and . . . and . . . and, of course, there're just . . . things fly at you; hideous, leathery things fly at you, and it's just unspeakably noise and horrific, and you're quivering, and you're sweating . . . But when you wake up in it, it's amazing. Suddenly, all the noises are little liquid warbles, of--
Doon
[makes liquid warbling noises]
Stephen
Exactly. Exactly.
Arthur
[presses buzzer, which tenors]
Doon
[immediately presses her own buzzer, which sopranos, and pretends to sing to it]
Stephen
Anyway, good. Well done on platypuses. Er, how many people--next question, fingers on buzzers--how many people can take part in a dialogue?
Alan
[deliberately presses buzzer, which howls]
Stephen
Go on.
Alan
[folds arms and looks at Stephen in silence]
Stephen
[raises arms with palms up]
Alan
. . . Two.
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "TWO".]
Stephen
Oh!
Alan
Is that a "duologue"?
Stephen
That's a "duologue". Absolutely. I mean, of course, two people could be in dialogue, but, er . . . it could be one person; it could be a hundred. "δια-" is Greek for "across" or "through", not "two".
What are the contents of the Queen's handbag?
Andy
[presses buzzer, which basses]
I don't think I've ever seen the Queen get anything out of her handbag. She's certainly never done that thing that women do when, you know, when they go, "It's in here somewhere, I know . . ." [pretends to turn a handbag over and shake it vigorously] So my suspicion is that she probably has nothing in her handbag. I think it's probably a kind of social defense, and it . . . it means she doesn't have to hold Prince Phillip's hand. Look.
Stephen
That's true.
Doon
The Little Book of Calm . . .
Stephen
Chicken Soup for the Soul!
Doon
. . . and Mace spray. Because there's a lot of people around her who get too close--
Stephen
[as the Queen] "Eat it, hoodie!"
Doon
--and men in big hats, and it's like, you know [in high-pitched voice], "Back off! Back off!" [juts right hand forward and pretends to spray Mace with the other]
Stephen
Apparently, the Queen does carry money, but a lot of people think she doesn't, but apparently, she . . . for Sundays, she always has money, in unspecified denominations, folded in her handbag there. And also she has a comb, apparently, a handkerchief, a small gold compact, and a tube of lipstick. Maybe she gets upset if she carries a fiver, saying [forlornly], "Oh, God. I used to be so pretty!"
Doon
She's got a deep-fried Curly Wurly. in there. She's gotta have some pleasure.
Stephen
Ahh, yes.
Doon
She sits in the loo and just eats it--[pretends to eat a huge deep-fried Curly Wurly].
Stephen
What does it look like? Oh, yes, like that. [imitates up-and-down the movement]
Doon
Quietly in the toilet--[ferociously bites at an imaginary Curly Wurly]. She crams it all in when no one's looking. [pretends to cram it in her mouth, then suddenly sits up primly] "I'm all right!" [mimes wiping chocolate bits from the corners of her mouth]
Stephen
Now, at the final bell, we wish you to make a glass break. I think, first, in case you manage to do it, you're gonna have to put on safety equipment.
Alan
[takes out a pair of goggles and puts them on]
Stephen
Oh, there!
Andy
Oh, they suit you, Doon. They make you look sort of more academic.
Doon
Oh, thank you.
Arthur
I think you look more like a welder!
Alan
[puts on a second pair of goggles on over his first]
[starts bellowing in a high pitched voice in the direction of his glass]
[Other panelists do the same.]
[Alan's glass suddenly breaks; Alan and Doon jump back in shock.]
Stephen
Whoa! Whoa!
Doon
[pulls a string from the remains of Alan's glass] No! No, no, no . . .
Stephen
Yes, Alan, I'm afraid, did cheat, because it's almost impossible to do. His is actually a sugar glass. [breaks his own glass against his head, eliciting gasps from the audience] Like that. Doesn't hurt at all.
Arthur
[suddenly throws his glass in the direction of Doon and Alan; it shatters by Alan's side]
Stephen
NO!
Doon
THAT WAS A REAL ONE!
Stephen
[pointing to Arthur] Yours is real!! What did you do?!
Arthur
[laughs shamefully while gripping his neck tightly]
Doon
Lucky to be alive!
Alan
[hides his face in his hand]
Doon
[threateningly stands up and aims her glass at Arthur]
Arthur
I'll be hearing from your solicitor!
Stephen
If it has caused even a second's misery to the Health and Safety people, I'm very pleased. So there we are. [takes a small bite of the stem of his glass and chews]
The scores, ladies and gentlemen. In last place, but just, with minus-six, is Arthur Smith, ladies and gentlemen! In third place, with minus-four, Alan Davies!
Stephen
In second place, with minus-two, Doon Mackichan, and in first place, with five whole points, is Andy Hamilton, ladies and gentlemen!
Well, that is about it from Andy, Arthur, Doon, Alan, and me. I leave you with the wise words of the great Woody Allen. "Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable, with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats." Good night.
[AS THE CREDITS ROLL]
Doon
I want to try it with a real glass.
Alan
Go on, then.
Stephen
Really, really go for it. Loud as you can. 100 decibels plus.
Doon
[screams extremely high-pitched at her glass, which doesn't break]
Alan
You cracked my goggles!
Notes
Transcription Notes
- The Haunt of the Black Masseurs. The book that arthur is referring to is actually The Haunts of the Black Masseur.
- Maozi li di mao. Google would lead me to believe that "Dai mao zi de mao" is how The Cat in the Hat is really translated into Chinese. My many Chinese-speaking friends were all too happy to tell me the correct wording without really grasping the fact that I was simply looking for a an accurate transliteration. I finally got someone to tentatively confirm the version I have, but if anyone knows better, please say so.
- [AS THE CREDITS ROLL] This is the only episode, thus far, in which extra footage is shown during the credits.
- A myth. Return of a subject first brought up in 2x08, when Fred MacAulay attempts to defend the Scottish diet.
- Stephen Fry: Deep fried pizza is the . . .
- Fred MacAulay: It's a myth. And the Mars bar as well. It happened once. He dropped his Mars bar, and thought, "I'm not wasting that!" He scorched his hand getting the wrapper off.
- No. 6. Hugh Laurie, in an interview with the Daily Telegraph in 1999, said:
"I was, in truth, a horrible child. Not much given to things of a bookey nature, I spent a large part of my youth smoking Number Six and cheating in French vocabulary tests."
That's only peripherally related, you might say. Take it up with my solicitor, I might reply. - Denise Batchelor. This is a brief snippet of a brief conversation I had with Alan in May 2007:
- Me: One of my friends wishes she were Denise Batchelor.
- Alan: [laughs] Does she? [then, to the onlookers] We did a show where they asked us what age we'd like to be, and I said "twenty-six" because there was a marvellous woman named Denise Batchelor I was dating at the time.
- I was in prison. Indeed he was, for credit card fraud. He was charged in October 1975.
Moab is My Washpot - written by Stephen Fry - published 1997
"Pucklechurch was a prison for young offenders on remand. I think all the inmates were between sixteen and twenty-five, and either awaiting sentencing or allocation to major prisons.
"You will find that there are two states of being when you are placed on remand. Con and Non Con. A non con is technically innocent of any crime: he is confined because bail has been denied him or because he cannot afford it. He has either pleaded not guilty or else, as in my case, he has not yet had a chance to plead: either way, the law regards him as guiltless until proven otherwise. The cons, however, the cons have pleaded guilty and await their trial and sentencing. [. . .]
"The day came however, when I had to ride back in a police van to Swindon to make my plea. The police solicitor had decided, in the light of the dozens and dozens of uses I had made of the credit cards, that four specimen charges would be presented. You can see a photocopy of the Memorandum of the Court Order in the picture section of this book.
I pleaded guilty to all four charges, one of the straight theft of a watch, contrary to Section of the Theft Act of 1968 (which raises the question, what on earth could be the offences covered by sections 1—6?), the other three charges being that I did, by deception, obtain a pecuniary advantage for myself contrary to that same Theft Act, Section 15. The Clerk of the Court in Swindon, you will notice, has rather sweetly typed 'pecunairy' in each instance.
"The moment the fourth 'guilty' had mumbled from my lips I was instantly a con, convicted not by the court, but out of my own mouth and my status at Pucklechurch was to change." (pgs. 341 and 342-343)