Welcome to my Journal

Bulleted Mon Jan 19, 2009, 10:36 PM

Flattered by my Illusions Wed Jan 14, 2009, 11:38 PM

Don't Know Why You're Gone Sat Jan 3, 2009, 4:18 PM

It's All a Game Mon Dec 22, 2008, 10:52 PM

Masochism & Self Destruction 12/14/08

Reality Says 12/3/08

It's the age-old question: "What if they leave me?", and the answer you get is almost always the same. "They won't." But the truth is, they just might, and here's the reality: people enter and leave your life whether you like it or not, and in the process, they leave a mark on your being—a memory that, painful or pleasant, you cannot completely erase.

You say it's basic logic. You've got too much going on at the moment... people relying on you... It would be simply illogical to form a relationship when reality suggests that breaking your heart may interfere with your daily schedule. I wouldn't pencil it in for a meeting at four...

You say it will ruin your relationship. You've spent years building such a friendship, and it is simply unreasonable to forsake the bond that suddenly means the world to you. After all, reality says that they may just leave you and drop the overnight-bag carrying your camaraderie at the nearest four-way intersection.

Or maybe it's fear that impedes your need for companionship. Could it possibly be that you refuse to expose yourself to the harsh blows that arrive with intimacy's warm embrace? Could it possibly be that, despite your prominent façade, you're really desperate for connection? Won't you admit that reality says they will restore the emptiness you feel at this very second with the wave of a hand and the slam of a door?

No... you won't allow it. You will not risk them leaving you reeling with the very emotions that presently haunt you.

I mean, realistically, you don't want to end up as the pumpkin you already are... do you?

Roof Made of Lilies 11/27/08

The pulse leaps from my wrist
And you are nowhere to be found.
I feel my throat—my lungs become hollow
From fear or exertion I cannot tell.

The heartbeats pound louder in my skull
As the house draws nearer to the gravel at my feet.
And there you lay: crumpled and whimpering
As alive as the willow that shades you.

My voice catches and somehow you hear,
Glancing up at me with those crystalline blues.
They make me want to confess each sin
As if they were dew drops falling to the roof made of lilies.

Slowly, hesitantly, I take a step into the darkness.
Your eyes, a twilight attraction driving back the cold
Like they were my sustaining life force.
Slowly, hesitantly, I take a step towards you.

Ch. 1 Prologue (Currently Untitled) 11/25/08

Life is not always as it seems.

Pen dropped to paper and she was stuck. Crystal blue eyes lifted and scanned their surroundings—white walls and a blue desk covered in papers. Black and white photographs stapled to the ceiling glared down at her as the sunlight streamed through the window by her bed. It was terrible writing weather.

Blowing the auburn strands of hair from her face, Vera released a dramatic sigh. No response from the rest of the room. Another sigh fell from her lips, louder this time and her disinterested tabby stood and exited the room... and with the swish of his tail, her life played like a movie before her eyes. She knew; She was a vanilla girl trapped in a vanilla world with nothing but vanilla thoughts drifting through her mind.

Frustrated, she pushed herself off her cream-colored bedding and stalked out to the kitchen. Her mother stood in front of the sink with her eyes closed, humming a playful tune as she dried the white porcelain plate in her hands. Her blonde hair softly danced with the light breeze that carried through the window.

"The T.V. says it'll reach a hundred this afternoon", she said, not even looking up to see the lanky brunette sitting on a stool at the counter,"How about some ice cream?"

"Chocolate", Vera replied with a smile, "With rainbow sprinkles". Her mother laughed and reached for two bowls in the white cupboard to her right. Setting them quietly on the counter she gracefully moved to the freezer and removed a tub of neapolitan ice cream.

"Are we feeling adventurous?"

Impressions 11/21/08

Smile, they're watching,
Continually observing your every move.
They scrutinize your heavenly sins,
Until you become the object of their fantasies.

You're just a pretty boy in a pumpkin patch
The grin on your face is opalescent.
Just hold onto that.
Please, for God's sake, hold onto that.

On a Chain 11/16/08

Sometimes, it's the little things in life that makes the difference. Be they a sip of hot coffee, driving on a rainy night, or a smile from someone you love. They all seem to have your heart on a chain.

Love song 11/10/08

Let's write a love song!
He said.
I told him I don't know how.
Well,
He replied,
It's easy. Just pick any subject and add beautiful words to it.
I frowned and nodded and picked up my dictionary, scanning the pages for a love song.

The Artist

She had her next painting.
He would be dressed in black,
Smiling down as he traced circles on her back.
She would be clothed in green,
Wide eyed in adoration as if he were the only actor in her scene.
And they would become the two main characters
In a play that does not belong to them.

I Will Keep Breathing 10/24/08

Keep breathing, keep breathing,
Because life is forever lost to our memories.
And though we struggle and fight
To prolong our control,
We can never go back.
We must never go back.

The words are vanished and forgotten
Having left your lips and scattered.
Yet your façade is stained
And I mourn for the soul we have lost.

We must never forget who we are.
We can never forget.

But we may only proceed on
With no hesitations or dry anxiety
To let us slip from our passions and ambitions.

Somehow we must always remember:
We cannot live to die.
I will not live to die.

It's Not Enough 10/21/08

There's still a ringing in my ears
But I never knew I could yell so loud.
And this emptiness inside, I try so hard to fill
That with the compression of my stomach and lungs
I almost feel like something's there.

But there's nothing.
And I scream about how I'm going to leave this place.
How I'm going to get the hell out.
But it's not enough
And I can't breathe anymore.

Humidity 10/3/08

I feel humid and hollow inside...
Like I'm holding my breath even while I'm breathing.
These tears of spite are burning my face.
But I never read the signs, and now I live to pay the price

Forever in My Mind 9/28/08

Your lifeless heart still beats in my mind
While hot tears fall to my fingertips
No words or circumstances can ever justify
The unjust laws of this world we thrive in.

So I must say goodbye to who I knew as you.
I love you dearly,
Katherine and little Sarah Ann.

Maybe It's Time to Grow Up 9/11/08

How easy it is to project. I do it—we all do…
But how do I know when I've gone too far?

Dying inside and I want desperately to evanesce.
Why can't you hear my cries for help?

I put up my defenses like a stone wall
Hoping for someone inclined to climb over and save me.

But there's nobody willing to risk the fall.
Nobody to tell me not to say goodbye.

Perpetual 9/3/08

Turn off your camera
It's time for you to see me
I am no longer your porcelain doll and
You are no longer my divinity.

Shut off your cell phone
It's time for you to hear me
My resonate voice is caught only by you
And I need you to hear my pleas.

Take off your gloves
It's time for you to touch me
The seams intertwined in my shoulders
Won't unravel at your caress.

Close your mouth
It's time for you to answer me
But the soft whispers of your smile
Will just have to be enough.

Don't Give Up 8/20/08

I'm unsure of where I am right now.
Is that my heart or the music
pounding in my ears?
A wicked burst of energy bites at my skin.
Electricity shoots up my spine
And extends to my fingertips.
Step a little bit closer, Sweetheart,
Do you know what you do to me?
"Don't let go", you said,
"Don't give up". So I didn't.
But then you did.
All of a sudden, there was no floor,
There were no walls--there was no sky.
But still I held on. I never gave up.
And I waited.
How I recognized the soft hum in your smile
I'll never know.
The strong features in your face
have long since faded.
You're back and I refuse to let you go.
And now it's my turn to say

Don't let go

Don't give up.

Letter of Desperation 8/6/08

Depression, by definition of Oxford American Dictionaries, is written to be "Severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy". I never thought I would become one to fall under a description. How could I be so naive?

Journey (date?)

My mother once told me that if I put my mind to it, I can accomplish just about anything. And that, at times it may not seem like I’m moving forward, and in actuality, I’ll sometimes move backwards; but that eventually things will work out. I’m sure lots of parents tell their kids this, kind of like a generic response to silence that nagging voice in the back of their heads.

Persevere 7/30/08

I feel like I owe you an explanation.
When I said "no", I really meant "yes".
When I pushed you away, I really wanted to pull you closer.
And when I said I hated you, I really meant...

Well, you know. That I don't.

But things are different now.
The emotions I endure now shake me to my core.
And I have to keep moving. I just can't stop.
I only hope that you'll reach out for me just one more time.

Renaissance 7/24/08

I lost my footing with your renaissance.
My head is spinning; my body swaying.
Your angels claim you have a choice
Mine tell me that the clock is ticking.

So we brew up our perfect storm
And wait for this unholy alliance to break.
Because I know it's only a matter of time
Before my angels fall to yours.

Again.

Quietus 7/15/08

Your car is stalled on the side of the highway
But all you can think about is her.
The argument was forever who loved her first-
She was always a woman to you.

Hide your tempestuous identity from me;
She asked where to go and he said Heaven.
Forget the silver feathers in her hair
You're just water lost at sea.

Listen to the wind whisper in your ear-
As it wordlessly paints portraits of you.
At the surface of your resignation, I can see
The tight laces of your soul collapse.

Do You Ever Wonder 7/9/08

What it's like to Fly?

Your face reminds me of someone I think I once knew.
Here, take this passport into my heart and find him, will you?
Don't be afraid of the things you see. They're not real to you.

Just me.

What? It's too dark to see?
Let me light it up for you. No! Of course I can!
I am the Wonderwoman of this world, my friend.
I am capable of rational thought and saving humankind.

Just me.

And you?

Put down that daisy and look me in the eyes.
You found him, you said?

And he looks nothing like you?
What a peculiar world we live in.
But I guess I'm in better hands now
Because my world ends with you.