NARRATOR
It was a hot humid day and i was bored and frustrated.My ocd was playing me up,with its usual game of 'fear throwing'.I tried my best to dodge all that it threw at me, but there is always one thing that sticks, don't you find? one thing that dominates and completely fucks up your day! so i tell myself,ok, enoughs enough,i'm sticking around to fry and to be tortured in this weather ,i'm gonna drink 'Mr ocd' out of my mind.
I walk the streets of my town ,any bar will do,i dont mind the clientele, i will just order my drink and fade into the background. You know, i have been real good at fighting my ocd lately -real good! but hey, its hot and i cant stay indoors all day! i wanted to get out and i want a cool beer (or two!) I finally find a watering hole to quench my thirst.I order a drink and then find my sofa of relaxation for a few hours. I sit and i observe two Neanderthal looking gentlemen, nattering in their primative language. If only david attenbourgh was here? he could tell me what they were saying? (well you gotta amuse yourself somehow!) i move a little closer and i see one is reading an article in a paper about some blonde bimbo's attempt to rekindle a footballer's magic passion between the sheets that has faded.. the other is reading an article on' my old friend OCD' intrigued I move closer. I am interested to hear what they have to say and what they will make of it ?..........
APE1: 'Ere Ron, you see this ?
APE2: what's that? oh,that hand washing disease you get? yeah i saw a show about it, not that long ago
APE1: bloomin' con aint it? any tom ,dick or harry can invent a name for some invented illness
APE2: what do you mean?
APE1: Well its obvious,its one big con! you get some lazy ass, who goes to the doctors and says "help i cant stop washing my hands" !!! they are red raw! it only takes one quack to reconise it as something new, and before you know it, we got another disease on our hands ,aint we? before long everyone goes to the quacks and says "i think i got that hand washing thing ,i cant use me hands"- bloody rubbish the lot of it!!! i will tell you exactly what it is,its a new generation of hippie layabouts who want all but give nothing! and on top of that they will bleed the state dry and who pays? we do!.. ocd.... lazy bastards.
NARRATOR.
I sit. I listen. I am angry! but my beer knocks me out a little. I feel so frustrated at the two planet of the ape extras sitting infront of me! i want to act, but also want to hear more from their deluded little world.
APE1: Well i aint gonna disagree there Harry. Always the same these spongers. i mean they are either lazy or they are mental! i mean you wanna watch it Har, i mean these are the kinda of guys that end up either zonked out in front of the tv until they die or they end up going nuts and kidnap your kiddie and bugger it in a bush.
APE2:: Yeah,too right, then they get let off cuz a judge says "ooh ,he did'nt mean it ,he aint right in the head"
NARRATOR
Ok my turn! I drink my beer down and i approch the APE ,the theory man! i sit next to him on a stool
i say "hi,can i borrow your paper? that piece about ocd looks interesting"
APE1: Bleedin' con mate, bleedin, con! another charity, give us some money to help stop this poor soul from worrying, its all in the head! all they got to do, is have a stiff one in the morning and at lunch and get that ass in gear..aint that right Ron?
NARRATOR
shame they have names. i am expecting the casting director to come and call them for the film 'ape town' oh well!
i drop a bombshell! i just do it! i am slightly drunk now ,so who cares? I say to them both,
"I HAVE THIS OCD THING!!!"
THERE IS SILENCE......
they both look at me and smirk,the barman goes about his business shaking his head, still there is silence ,they look at the papers and swallow their mouthfulls of 'intelligance enhancer' (for them it is,anyway!) but i dont rest, i want them to know how it feels to be me, if they dont read advice properly, how are these wonderful gents ever going to learn ?????
so i say "LETS PLAY A GAME!!!!!"
(yes the drink is working i am really buzzing now !)
APE1: what game ?
APE2 : skittles ? darts ?
NARRATOR
I say to to Harry, or ape 1. "well lets play my game, its very educational and fun wanna play ??"
APE1: playing for money ?
NARRATOR
"here is £50 pounds. its yours if you do everything i say for 15 minutes, all you have to do is spend 5 minutes on each task that i tell you to."
APE1: For 50 quid!! easy money! you got money to burn or summat?
NARRATOR
We are on! APE1 gets off his stool and stands infront of me,i say "ok, see the door to the gents? go open it."
He walks off and opens it. I then tell him to close it.I say to him "ok my friend ,open and close that door for 5 minutes, STARTING FROM NOW! "
He does it as his friend watches, the barman watches, i smirk. there is a grown man opening and shutting a door ,pure ocd activity in its enfancy. oh it takes me back! "got to get it right now "i shout! "make sure it closes perfect!" slow it down a little, try perfect it ape man!
APE1: THINGS YA DO FOR MONEY EH RON!
NARRATOR
Hes shouts. He thinks its funny.
"Ok stop" i say! "Now ten minutes left, i want you to go over to that plug and put it in the wall"
APE1 : easy , piece of piss.
NARRATOR
"Do it ,put the plug in and pull it out as fast as you can Until i say stop!"
APE1: you are joking? i will fuckin' electricute myself you fool !!
NARRATOR
But i see him look at what i am holding. a crisp note for more brain beer. he looks at the plug and plugs it in! The barman is alarmed! but i say its ok, its a game. he does it faster! i now notice he is sweating and he is red. people enter the bar and immediatly look in his direction. what a sight it must be? a grown man doing such a stupid task repeatedly. suddenly i stop him!! after all i dont want him dead now do i? my frustrations slow down. i say "you are hot, take your top off!!" he does it like a shot. hes thinking of the money alright,
"good" i say. "now put it back on,and take it off again! "
he gets redder and redder but he wants my money, he is driven, i feel like i am Mr OCD sat here, i feel like it so much!! here i am inflicting torture on someone and he is doing what i ask,because if he does not, i will not give him peace and in his world,peace is money. In a way i am learning. i see this man could easily become me if i dont curb what is trying to destroy me on a daily basis.....interesting. I smile. welcome to my madness Mr, WELCOME TO MY PAIN. I stop the ape now. "Tell me? how you feel my friend?" i notice the people that came in have just walked out,hmm, i dont think the barman would mind? after all, he thinks the £50 will end up in his till ,heh heh !!! by this time, my Ape friend had joined me back at the bar, he sits down smiling and i ask him again
"can you tell me all your emotions friend, what did you feel?"
APE1: I felt a real twat!! , but if ya want a list, i felt frustrated, tired, angry. if my wife finds out i did all that RON, i know who to blame! ok, sonny you gonna pay up ?
NARRATOR
"no!" i open his paper and tell him to reread the article about ocd. the place falls silent again ,he rereads the article. he looks at me but does not speak (i think he has a good idea of why he had to do those things now .
Well Apes can be educated indeed,
APE1: I get it! tryin' to put me in my place aint ya ?
NARRATOR
"but you know now!!"
APE1: let me take you outside son and i will knock you into next week, MONEY!
NARRATOR
"but you know now!!!"
APE1: YES!!!!!!!!! MONEY!!!!
NARRATOR
I buy the man a drink. he is calmed i see in his wallet a picture of a pretty blonde girl and i ask if she is his daughter? he tells me, no its his grandaughter.I ask him about the ocd article what he thinks now. He still remains silent as he stares looking at it.He is speechless and i smile because he is now on my level, i have brought the apeman down from the tree ,he is my success. There is no need for david attenborough after all!!!. I explain to him that all the things i made him do, they were silly,stupid, crazy and life threatening , and i then ask him "would you like your grandaughter to do them ?"
APE1: I am gonna finish this drink then take you outside son if you dont shut your mouth....no i would not want her to do that, what you think i am a bully?, or what kind of fool makes people do stupid things like that anyway?
NARRATOR
I point at the article and the man falls silent again he then looks at the pretty girl in the photograph i know what he thinks now. I explain this is what the illness does to people like you!, me! ,and your grandaughter! i made you chase £50 for 15 minutes "all you were thinking of was the £50 throughout your task undertakings right?"
( he nods and smiles, i then explain that sufferers of ocd do exactly the same but they chase peace!, to stop the frustration, the anxiety, and the craziness that you felt 20 minutes ago. "Do you understand now ?"
The ape smiles and so does his friend. he holds out his hand and i shake HARRYS hand -he understands. I wipe the sweat from my brow i get out the £50 and we drink! As the night wears on and winds down i remember to tell him(my pupil) OCD,!!! remember it HARRY ! take care now. His friend helps him home they both stagger off into the night. i button my coat i feel kind of numb, as if i have just cast off a skin, i feel i have educated. i walk home and i smile at the sky. I played two roles today a victim and a torturer. its good to be in the real world.
THE END.
