ROSE is 39. She suffers from the “pure o” form of OCD. This story shows vividly how persistent and upsetting this form can be. Turning the normal life of a mother into a detached and completely alienated person to her surroundings and loved ones. Every day is fight in someway. Today Rose and her best friend Bex meet for a chat. After all the gossip is over talk focuses on Rose’s OCD...
 
ROSE: More coffee?
 
BEX: Yes, why not? I’ve got an hour before I leave for work,
Hey, how are things? Is your therapist still asking the same old questions?
 
ROSE: Well, I do like him but I am afraid of causing an upset between us. He is so very understanding.

BEX: Why should you cause him to be upset?
 
ROSE: You know I’m not sure, but I’m certain I may have offended him last week. Now I’m scared of going back. I will be a bundle of nerves when I see him again. I mean it’s so pathetic, but when I was there I knew he liked me and really only wants to help me, but the moment I leave his room I start obsessing all over the place. I tell myself, he doesn’t like me or I think I may have said something offensive. I then start writing letters - one after the other - trying to point out my problems and trying to make him understand my illness, because I’m convinced he doesn’t. I then start obsessing that I’ve written far too much – which I always have done - and start to panic over that.

Then I read the letter over and over again and after a few hours I’ve changed so many things in the damn thing. You won’t believe it, but I’m convinced that anything I say may offend him. I’m petrified of him not speaking to me any more after receiving the letter. I mean how stupid can one get. I know these are only obsessions but they drive me round the bend. I once wrote to Fred Prenzel – a well-known Psychologist who works a lot with OCD patients. I was so upset about all this obsessing that I asked him if this was normal. He wrote back saying that people who obsess can obsess about anything – absolutely anything.There you go, so if it’s not one think it’s the other!

BEX: I’m sure you won’t have offended him. You aren’t capable of offending people. You’re far too careful not to hurt other people’s feelings. Don’t worry about things like that.
Tell me - How did your party go? I think it was Emma’s 10th, wasn’t it? Was it good? I tried to make it but this new boss of mine keeps giving me assignments that I think an extra person should be doing! I am even grateful for this coffee break! ...So this party? How was it?
 
ROSE: Well I can’t pretend, it was a disaster; well, for me it was. My daughter’s birthday and Mr OCD makes it an occasion to remember, but for all the wrong reasons. I  just wanted the comfort of my therapist, i wanted understanding at the end of that day!
 
BEX: Hey its ok, you can tell me you know
 
ROSE: Well, Richard was out getting Emma’s present. I started to panic because I was on my own with a handful of screaming 10 year olds running around. I tried to be grateful for the distraction, to be honest, I tried to play games in which the girls could scream louder just so it would stop what I knew would be coming in my mind. But there is no stopping it, is there? I mean i have been real good of late but I wanted Emma’s day to be so special and it was for her but , when i look back on it in years to come when she is an adult , and we go through the photo albums she will smile when she sees a happy beaming 10 year old and what will  see? Bad memories, a day of fun curtailed. Nobody can imagine what goes through my head. It is just so awful – makes Jack the Ripper seem a harmless person compared to me.

BEX: Oh come on, Rose. You’re not like him at all. You wouldn’t hurt a fly. Whatever makes you think so badly of yourself all the time? ROSE: Do you know what happened?
 
BEX: You don’t have to explain if you don’t want..
 
ROSE: Please, I want to! I need to! I was going to call my therapist after it happened but I thought he might think  am stupid? Crazy even? It’s just, I was waiting for Richard to come home with the presents but he was stuck in a jam, and there was I alone with these kids. I felt a mixture of emotion and I needed someone there. I needed someone to tell me that I was capable of looking after these kids and not hurting them. I needed reassurance, but my mind was now on auto pilot. It was telling me all these awful things. It was telling me what a terrible person I was and that I would do something terrible, although I knew I wouldn’t do anything at all. I tried to calm myself down but ...well, I had to cut the cake. I hate cutting cake. It means I have to walk into a room full of kids, with no one there to protect them. I was convinced I would do some terrible, awful thing to these innocent kids. On the other hand I knew damn well I wouldn’t do anything and that I can’t even smack my own children.

I tried putting it off until Richard came, but it was no use the kids were screaming - cake! Cake! In a way it gave Mr OCD his cue card to come and do his worst ..wich of course he did. He kept telling me not to bring the knife out because I couldn’t be trusted with it. I then start to think – well why not? Then I get these horrible visions.You see thats how it starts! That was the first thought! The first unwanted thought! Anyway, I had to cut the cake. I hoped Richard would come through that door any minute just to save me!! Distract me from the next thought, but it was then I ceased to be who I was for a moment....Mymind waws goin haywire i could not think any more because  i was so terribly scared  i opened the knife drawer, my heart was pounding. I know I have exposure issues to contend with but here I was in at the deep end. I felt sick, I was scared of the knife and I was scared of my thoughts! I was even scared of myself.  I picked the knife up but as I did thoughts came and I dropped the knife! The kids stopped screaming and just stared at me, looking at this trembling figure. The thoughts are so cruel to me BEX! I ask myself why all the time. Why do they take my happiness from me? Why do they make me feel I am a monster, when everybody knows I’m not and I know it too?? Why?? I hate it! Damn OBSESSIONS.
 
 
What's taken over my mind?
What's taken over my body?
What's taken over my sanity?
Where have I gone?
 
Think, think, think,
Just one more time.
Do, do, do,
Just one more time.
 
It hurts me,
It attacks me,
It won't let me go.
Has a grip around my head,
Which gets stronger and stronger,
Whilst I get weaker and weaker.
 
Think, think, think,
Just one more time.
Do, do, do,
Just one more time.
 
Just one more time,
Just check again.
Just one time.
Then another and another and another..........
 
How can I switch my brain off?
How can I stop this torture?
Let me go.
Let me relax.
Show me a way.
 
This way and that way,
Just one more time.
My head is going to explode.
It can't take any more,
But it just carries on.
 
Obsessions, compulsions,
the mind is going haywire.
I can't think properly,
Can’t act properly,
Something else has taken over.
 
 
BEX : Hey, it’s ok. You are the best friend I have. It’s a shame I can’t be here more.I know you are a good mother, YOU ARE NO MONSTER!
 
ROSE: I am a good mother, in fact I know i am a good mother It’s just that I stop and think? Will I ever  be free? I read other stories, you know, from other sufferers they have the same deal, but in different ways, but in a way that still is not enough. Maybe I am searching for something I will never find? Maybe I am searching for the end of the lane? Where the sign will read  HERE IS THE WAY OUT. The hours of doubting and wondering if I am more than just a good mother, perhaps  do have a bad side? This hurts so much!
 
BEX:
Hey why search when you have all you need? A loving husband, children, a good job? Don’t waste time searching ...use that time trying to love more. Don’t listen to your unwanted thoughts.
 
ROSE:
I know and maybe you are right? However, the more  love and want - the more I lose. I tucked Emma in the other night and I did not even kiss her. It was a volatile situation and at bedtime too! The thoughts of harming my family swirling around in my head it makes me sick, that’s when I question myself! That’s when I look for reassurance! I was thinking of the knife again! Even that feeling came back. I was staring my pride and joy in the face and thinking of doing unspeakable acts to her with a knife! Her mummy, a monster, I hate it Bex! I would never ever hurt anyone, ever, but when I see visions and thoughts of blood, iI always question myself again and again.
 
ROSE: I sit back and think sometimes about the world of OCD and how everyone tries so hard to be reassured. I think of how TV portrays stuff – films. They get it wrong every time in my opinion. I even laugh at the documentaries MIRICALE CURE! Ha, and chat shows turn into freakshows! Where the stories become something else
Of course I feel sorry for those people but they are just like me searching, wanting to be understood. Maybe we pure o sufferers will be left at the back of the queue when the real cure is found? I can’t help thinking that that we are not really entitled to it, BUT WE ARE!
 
BEX: Why do you think that? You all suffer the same and there is no difference in the way a contamination sufferer suffers more than you suffer? I mean this Mr OCD, as you call it, still makes it the same....Or have i misunderstood something ?Sorry I am doing my bestto understand ypou but dont you all feel the same pain?