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One last check |
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Here is a typical example of how checking can drive a person to frustration and distraction. Carol is doing her last minuet checks before leaving for a holiday......
Carol: Ok, have I got everything? Suitcase packed? Bags packed? Yep ok 15 minutes till Jaq gets here, so better do my thing. Grrr One day I will be free of this torment, Ok, lets start right here in the bedroom. Best check the windows, are they locked good and secure? One more check, perfect! Ok. No one gets through there. Maybe one check before I do the bathroom. Right that’s it! Done! That’s 3 times, my third check always seems to get me out of this cycle, best keep that up, use it as my key to freedom.
THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
Carol: No, not now, please not now, I ain’t finished my window checking; please let that be the postman and not Jaq. Carol rushes to the window. ITS JAQ! Now I am stuffed what shall I say? I know, I will shout from the window. Carol opens the window. Hey Jaq! I will be down in five, ok? (More like 15,) I am just getting my stuff together.
Jaq: Hey, ok.
Carol: Ok, lets shut this one slowly, I want to see it securely locked, ok, that’s it. Hang on. What’s this? Oh no! Not again! It’s stuck! Oh no, now I am getting all worked up and bothered, grrr look at Jaq out there, enjoying the music on her new car stereo whilst I am stuck here trying to close a window. I feel so stupid…come on CLOSE, CLOSE!!
Ahh, got ya! Ok, three times, check 1, 2, 3; that’s it! Perfect, I am getting better and quicker at this every time. Ok, cases, bags, I checked the bathroom window? did i?… Have done the downstairs doors, windows, good good, ok please Mr O don’t start, I have done it all. Not to the bathroom again! The 4th check leads me to the 8th check, and that’s when I can’t get away. I hate that number, grr, ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO ON HOLIDAY!!!!!
JAQ BEEPS HER CAR HORN.
Carol: Ok, compose yourself carol, deep breaths, walk away from the bathroom, be brave, its been checked do i have to go again? Stuff it! I will leave it!! No one’s gonna break in, if only I could rid myself of that unwanted thought too.
CAROL RUSHES DOWN THE STAIRS AND OUTSIDE TO HER FRIEND, SHE SLAMS THE FRONT DOOR HARD BEHIND HER.
Carol: So sorry, I lost a few things, I am a CLUTTER BRAIN, HONESTLY. OK, are we all set for the off?
Jaq: I have just been listening to the radio, do you know that burglary is on the increase around here?
Carol: Hey, now stop it, you know I worry easy. I suggest we put on some good music while we go on our journey, ok?
Jaq: What? I was not starting anything, its just I joined the neighbourhood watch that’s all, and I have to take things on board. Ok, I will change the subject, anyway, I think your house is the most well protected in the land. I mean was it necessary to buy them heavy duty locks last week? I mean they are for garage doors! Not your average house window, ok that’s it, I will button it. We will stick on something to help our journey. Get in.
CAROL AND JAQ GET ON THEIR WAY.THE MUSIC PLAYS BUT DOES NOTHING TO DISTRACT CAROLS OBSESSIVE THINKING ABOUT THE BATHROOM WINDOW.
She sits silently as Jaq bangs on about the local gossip, but she is anxiously thinking of the recent crime wave, the bathroom window idea comes back to haunt her; even though she checked it three times she is still not convinced it is properly locked, which leads to rumination until she…
Carol: STOP!!!
THE CAR SCREETCHES TO A HALT
Jaq: What? What did I hit? What was it? Where?
Carol: Can we go back? Please?
Jaq: But we have done thirty miles, Carol
Carol: I think I left the lights on under the stairs… please?
Jaq: So what? Your neighbour will be round to sort it, give her a call.
Carol: I never told her I was going away
Jaq: Why not?
Carol: Well, I just did not want to, that’s all.
Jaq: You have changed you know that! It’s not the first time you have done this.
Carol: Look, I will pay for the petrol. Please?
Jaq: Anything for a friend…Stick that tape on again will you, it’s an hour back! We need something to keep us awake.
The car heads back. Over the hour, the ocd reinforces its fact that the bathroom window is unlocked.
The car pulls up,an hour later, Carol races to open the door. She gets inside, not to turn the light off but to hurry up the stairs to the bathroom. There she stands looking blankly at her problem. She looks and all is locked, she counts past 8 this time, the number secures in her mind that it’s now fully complete. The task is done, her anxiety reduces, now it is time for a holiday..
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The last four hour shower |
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Claire is 18 and has ocd. Her form is CONTAMINATION. she is a student on a break, however its still a busy day and this break means nothing to her,she is hard working and disciplined and has planned to be ahead of the class this coming term. so later today she will start work on her long english essay but that is only IF! she can get out of the shower first!,.............
Claire: I hate this! four hours! four hours!! I have been in this shower! cant believe this!!l look at me! am I look like my Gran! I am wrinkled, if I was out now I would be helped across the streets by kind folk helped on and off transport you name it!
Mr ocd: Well I was bored! I wanted to have fun!
Claire: looking like a prune is not fun mr! and just you blooming wait till mr confidence wakes up!
Mr ocd: l think you will find I sent that young man packing. look, I know you don't like the anxiety I give you but look at this way you are gonna be one clean girl ( don't forget to wash behind the ears now) ha ha
Claire: Ok, very funny. Well you may have me stuck and you may have kept me looking like a member of the rolling stones for four hours but I am gonna brave what you are throwing at me! and go for it! because my parents come home soon and if they find this mess then I am in trouble! one day I will get you sorted !!
Mr ocd: You said all this an hour ago and look where you are? still stuck! all I did was throw a few silly fears your way and BINGO back you come. STILL NOT CLEAN!! GOT TO WASH THE CONTAMINATION YOU PICKED UP FROM THAT TRIAN SEAT?....LOOKED LIKE POISION TO ME ! so shut up and keep scrubbing.
Claire: not listening !
Mr ocd: yep well you try but I think I know who is in control here aha.
Claire: Yes! me! I am leaving , where is my towel!!? grr I will just fight my anxiety, will sit this one out, I did it before but today I cant believe how much its affecting me I cant believe I spent four hours in that shower I could cry. This is just not fair ITS JUST NOT FAIR!!! right where is my anxiety card? that lazy artist sent me ? .................GOT IT!
Ok mr ocd the longer I sit this one out the more chance mr C will come back !, I remember what happened last time I stuck around in the shower to long, dad caught me! it was embarrassing I had to make up some excuse like ..I forgot to wash between my toes!!!!!! oh I was so red you could off employed me as a stop signal on a set of traffic lights. But thats claires life ACTING. Perhaps I should go to drama school,? I think I have a head start.
Mr ocd: claire dear! I don't think you are clean enough, fancy another shower with me ?
Claire: sorry I don't listen to perverts I think I am clean enough? Infact, I don't think I need a shower for another year.
Mr ocd: Thanks! I will file that thought... ;remind claire that she is really dirty in a year.
Claire: Hopefully in a few years you will not be around and I will tell you why mr! support, medication, help,forums, yep all that lot are going to make your kind vanish ,and ya see this here
Mr ocd: Tell me how exactly is a piece of useless card, paper, plastic?
claire : Support card!
Mr ocd: O PARDON ME! tell me child,how does it work then ?
Claire: Ok .well seeing as you kept me in that shower! and you are constantly getting on my nerves! and ruining my work, not mention life!!!!!! I will show you !!!
Just do it!!
Mr ocd : Do what my dear?dance lol! ha ha ha oh I love playing with you claire ,you real are my best friend dont ever leave me will you.??? ha ha
Claire: JUST DO IT! YOU LOOSER . THROW MY FEAR AT ME ! I WILL I FIGHT YOU, !
Mr ocd: Ok if you insist. Get ready for a strong compulsion my dear, I want you to clean again. I still have a feeling POISION ON YOUR CLOTHS IS STILL DOMINANTING THE BATHROOM YOU HAVE CONTAMINATED THE WHOLE HOUSE YOU WILL CAUSE ILLNESS CLAIRE! YOU WILL HURT EVERY ONE AND YOU JUST CANT RISK THAT YOU JUST CANT!!!! I AM BEGGING YOU CLAIRE , CLEAN, CLEAN , CLEAN,CLEAN!!!!!.
claire: have you finished? ha ha !! ok nice try ,
Mr ocd: GET BACK IN THAT SHOWER ..THATS AN ORDER. I WORKED HARD MAKEING THAT THOUGHT UP ! ITS SUPPOSED TO SCARE YOU ..........GET BACK IN THAT SHOWER ,!!....NOW!!
Claire: If its all the same with you, oh and thanks for the Anxiety but I thought?well I just had a four hour shower I did not want to,but well you insisted! so I thought hmm I will be brave a bit .........and i am quite enjoying this now:) lets play my favourite album shall we?hey lets dance after all??
Mr ocd: DARE YOU DEFIY ME?! tomorrow I am gonna get you up early and give you a 5 hour shower,
Claire: hmm I think I will settle for just one wash if thats ok with you?? ha ha ha.
Mr ocd: ok I give up ! what's your secret? why you step away from my anxiety and put up a fight? how?you normally obey me until you feel until ready to move on! how can you gain peace of mind so quick! work hard building unwanted thoughts for you! how dare you ignore them they are works of art. they are not JUST ANY THOUGHTS YA KNOW.!.......THEY ARE NOT JUST A THOUGHT!!!!
Claire : read what's written on my card take a look or are you sooooooooo blind mr? Read what it says
Mr ocd: Be brave, step back, relax, let anxiety pass.
Claire: sorry I cant quite hear ?
Mr ocd: be brave....Grrrrr you,! ..............
Claire: See.. sometimes in life when you are stressed, worried, in pain or hurting, you just have to walk away, be brave and take comfort in a few strong words! that shower was the last straw for me! so right now mr I ask you! are you enjoying the COLD ONE I AM GIVEING YOU ?If not I will give you a ooh lets see now? four hours of it! I mean that essay is gonna take ages to write and I am gonna sit for a while, ignoring your thoughts i do hope you enjoy it .............the shower lol!
Mr ocd: NO !!! It hurts if you ignore me!!!!
Claire, good!, well I must get changed, I am meeting Kat at 12, then I have a pile of work to finish ,oh and one more thing, don't forget to wash behind your ears , mr confidence don't like dirt now,
Ciao!.
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Anxiety is strawberry flavoured |
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Howdy!
Just thought I would share the news with you all. Take a look at this beautiful young girl! Great, ain’t she? Oh, shall I tell you how we met? Well, there I was popping from city to city, (I get about a bit you see,) many minds to educate and infiltrate, you know the score..... What’s my job??? Oh, sorry! Well, what can I say?...........
Ok I give in you win! I am a talent scout! I like the adults, but the young people, they are best, and they are full of promise. You see Lizzy in the photo, she has ambitions to be a dancer, well that’s just wonderful! But now that I have found her, I don’t think that will happen. It’s a cruel world, I know, but I can’t let her go to waste, ya see. It’s doing me no good me telling you this, ya know! But well, the books open, lets show you my world. Lizzy has been worried of late and she has kept the worries to herself. Poor girl is struggling at the moment, and well, it’s a good job I came along because she had a bad time recently and now I am with her, I have a lot to give. Yes, think of me as her new best friend. I am ugly I admit! People have called me many things, the men in white coats are always trying to dissect me, catch me, explain me, and even kill me! Yep, it’s true!!! I am a star also ya know! They make websites about me! Documentaries! Wristbands! You name it.
I love this life and I have friends all over the world! Well, I say friends, it’s merely my tentacles stretching out to the thousands who worry. I make beautiful people special with my gift, yes, my special gift is compulsion! After all, there are people out there who want everything just right. I will explain. Do keep up at the back now! Now when I say I am ugly, well, I describe myself as a sort of anxiety octopus. Don’t run away!! I am a
parasite friend! I don’t bite, but I do feed, (oh i do love feeding time.) My favourite drug is anxiety, and frustration, oh it’s bliss! It’s wonderful I tell you! See, Lizzy got very upset recently, and I feel that I had to come, I am hers, she is mine. After all, my last best friend hurt me! Yes, he took meds, and once a week he sat on this couch thing as well and talked me off his mind. I had to laugh, some experts think I am a creation of inner anger, haha. I would rather not go into it really. How I came about is top secret, so as for Pel, (that was his name btw,) he was from France. He loved washing and being clean, so I helped him wash more and more, he did not like doing this, but hey you got to be cruel to be kind! I loved what he gave me. So I gave him compulsions, I made him wash his hands 100 times a day, but he was never thankful! In a way I am selfish, yes I admit it! I love anxiety, I feed on it! Example: I gave him a gift of compulsion, I give it to all my friends, it never makes them happy but I can’t resist feeding off them. There is a method in my madness, it’s simple, I make a person’s worst fear real, I then torture them with it, this makes them so alarmed that they get so anxious they feel by doing irrational acts they can right wrongs that will never happen. I give them a false threat, and when that anxiety comes, bingo! Feed time.
When the anxiety fades, I lose the buzz, but it only fades if they put up a fight, so I make sure the compulsions are real strong so I am kept fed till snooze time. But some are strong, like Pel, his anxiety was just beautiful. Admittedly he got frustrated over time, and he did not like it in the end, but at least i was happy...and i got fed haha! But then I had to leave him, not through choice! It was just he got helped buy the med men, they are my enemy. It was after that, I turned to Sally. She was beautiful too.
I gave her my card. Oh yes, I have this pack of cards, fear cards i call them. I will get shot for revealing my tricks… I infiltrate the mind, and if a person has fears and obsessions then I play on them. The power to create false thoughts is brilliant! As soon as my friend fears what I create, they get real anxious; that for me is feed time again! Anyway, I show Sally this fear card, it’s so funny, she developed pure o! I was a long time in her mind, haha! And I ain’t pulled that one off since??? ...Last week! Haha, but lets just say I made sally fear herself. In fact I convinced the girl that she was capable of killing her entire family! Ha! It sounds bad!! But when she was nervous and fearful and frustrated, I think i had the best high of my life? oh boy. So, I threw these fear cards all day, I had to stop in the end as I nearly broke her, and we don’t want that, because that leads to med men. But that day, I just could not get enough.........life’s a pleasure. But sadly our relationship came to an end... yes, med men got her, her friends helped her! They sent me packing, but ya see I always leave my calling card behind, just to let them know I am still with them, so if they fall I have an option to go back. Best friends are for life, remember! Now, who was after Sally??? Dominic!!
This guy was 30. Yep, quite old. But I gave him the symmetry card. It worked a treat! He was a perfectionist, everything was balanced, you should have seen his hair!! So neat, oh how I do miss him. I loved the anxiety he gave. I did get carried away on him I think though. I drove the guy a little too far, well he nearly cut his wrists! Now my boss would have sacked me for driving them that far! I mean, I really am only in this for the feeding, not the killing. I want anxiety. So I left Dominic in the end, I wanted to try my new magical thinking card. You see if I do well over time, I get new toys to play with! So I tried the new card out on Richard!! Yes i remember… He had a thing about numbers I recall, well I could not resist it. Overtime I fed quite well on his anxiety, it was strawberry flavoured, haha.
Now, it gets sad a little because well… we did not get on, he drank ya see and well, one night he took pills and drink and well, lets just say I nearly snuffed it along with him. Poor guy, another one I drove too far, I just don’t know when to stop. Well, it was a close call but then I found lovely lizzy here...just take another look, aww she is fantastic, well that’s me! I really ain’t that bad. Hey, maybe you could help? What card shall I throw at Lizzy? I feel like setting up camp in her mind a while. So! Symmetry? Pure O? That’s my favourite :) Hand washing is soooo played out nowadays but it’s good for beginners; I blame the professors! The self-help books are killing me! My victims are getting stronger nowadays, there is so much help out there! ....Oh well, I better get going! Maybe I should start Lizzy on the contamination card after all? I noticed she washed a lot at school and maybe that’s my cue card? Anyway, contamination is a popular choice, plus the anxiety is banana flavoured, yippeee!!! .........Oh, sorry my name.... how rude. It’s Mr ...........Mr OCD. Remember that now.
See ya!
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Check my Tyres for Blood |
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5.00 pm
So I get into my car and start her up and off we go. I travel alone and usually I would play the radio but it doesn’t work. Unfortunately, it’s broken, so what is accompanying me on the journey? Mr OCD - he is the loyal pain I hate and dread. I don’t want him to come with me on a hour’s journey but he kind of insists you see. So, here I am, in my seat, strapped in and am driving down the long road home with my only friend Mr OCD. I hate it really! I really do but I have to tame it somehow? So I am being nice to it but here it goes here I am and it’s started! The thought I have now is while I am on my journey I am going to hit something in the road, run over some poor defenceless animal or who knows. That’s the problem? OCD picks up on the “what if” factor? It’s one of the cards he throws at me.
Anyway, so now I have this card, here comes the worry, the anxiety turned on just like a tap. I now can not budge this feeling and it will be with me for the rest of the journey. I will be ultra aware, “Thank you Mr OCD you are fantastic.” So what will I hit, what will it be this time? A fox, hedgehog, badger?
This is my obsessing time - yep I’ve got the lot now. I drive down the road and my OCD thoughts just unravel themselves, and they stay with me for a while - well until I am home. Grr I hate it. How I wish that radio was working! I cant live like this, in constant fear and thoughts I need to release it, I need to be free of this, so I can drive on down the road like Steve McQueen. I bet he never worried about killing a badger, fox, badger or deer! There is a lot of wildlife as I pass by the reserve. If only I could use another route. The wildlife is eye-catching and I would look but maybe in the few seconds I do I will kill something! I love animals and I could never harm them. Why is OCD doing this to me?
5:57pm
I arrive home and check the tyres for anything unusual. However, there are just old bits of grit – that’s all. My thoughts are fading back now. What a performance driving is for me, the cinema in my mind shows the same film everyday. It starts at 5 and lasts till six...it makes me sick. Sack the projectionist I say!
SCRUBBING MY LIFE AWAY.
Ok here I AM the umpteenth wash! The message is stuck. I wait for the message - the ONE to say ok you have done it! You are free! I am at the sink, my hands are red raw and so sore this better be the last time! I mean the rusty bike outside is so old who knows what grime lie within it? Just this the thought of old dirt, years of nasty infestation may be present in the crack I fell against and touched. Maybe the rust is in the crack in my skin? Noooo, I must scrub till it hurts. Maybe when I cry in pain I have reached the dirt and I can free myself. Today is tough my anxiety is high my hands are sore and I am weak AND frustrated and tired. Will I ever be free? I don’t think I will.
Oh these thoughts are so clinging, SO INTENSE. I am just waiting for that feeling. Relax, just relax. Take deep breaths. I read the advice and calm down, but that wall of fear is so strong I must scrub until I am free. I can’t walk away I just can’t! I look around and hear birds singing, cars in the background, the sun is shining and here I am stuck with red hands ....................... Please world stop and wait for me! I am trying!
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