Just over six years ago, we were a happy nation. We scurried about our everyday lives, ignorant of global problems and content to stay that way. Then, suddenly, our world was changed in a drastic way with the appearance of three digits. Y2K. We were told that on the midnight hour of December 31, 1999 - the end of a millennium - global systems would shut down in America, causing an economic crash the likes of which the world had never seen. Nuclear weapons would be simultaneously launched from all over the country. Power plants would be shut off, water treatment plants disabled. Financial records would be destroyed, trillions of dollars lost. There would be looting. There would be rioting. It would be complete chaos. Armageddon.

 How did America react to this disastrous news? We panicked. We panicked, and we stocked up. Weapons. Ammunition. Bread. Respirators. Frozen peas. All across the country, these items were purchased in tremendous bulk and stockpiled in makeshift bomb shelters dug into families’ backyards. Kids were taught not to trust best friends and lifetime neighbors. They were drilled on weapon use and sudden evacuation procedures. They were turned into soldiers before puberty. Their thoughts of fun and romance were replaced with schematics and scenarios. We were prepared for the worst fallout the world had ever seen. When it didn’t happen, it still did. Entire life savings were spent on supplies we would never need. There was no crash, no nuclear fallout. Had our national government, our foundation of life, had they lied to us? Had they simply been wrong? Maybe, though, just maybe they were preparing a future generation of soldiers to fight a war only they were aware of.

Later that year, George W. Bush was elected the 43rd president of the United States of America. This election was regarded as total bullshit by much of America. The votes, however, were counted, and we had a new leader. We had a true-blood, Texan born ranch hand who, in the name of God almighty, vocally opposed gay marriage and pushed for raised taxes. It was a powerful victory for the Republican party. At first, Bush seemed like an all right guy. Sure, his intelligence was question on a number of issues. The people didn’t truly know the extent of his incompetence as president. Not yet, they didn’t.

On September 11, 2001, two planes suddenly struck the World Trade Center buildings in New York City. A third plane crashed into the pentagon, and a fourth was brought down somewhere in Pennsylvania, presumably headed for the White House in Washington, D.C. America was in turmoil. No one knew how to react to such a violent attack on the American people. They looked to their leader, our president, for advice and comfort. What did George Bush do after hearing of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centers? He read a book to a kindergarten class. For seven full minutes after the attack, president Bush sat in a classroom and read to children, visibly shaken and unsure how to act. Eventually, someone in the cabinet decided it was important to up the alert level to prevent more potential threats. The damage was done though. Thousands of people, American and from all around the world, were killed on that fateful day.

Sometime later, the connection between the planes and a terrorist network known as the al-Qaeda was made. President Bush appealed to Congress and war was declared. Thousands of troops were sent overseas to Afghanistan to overcome the terrorist threat. Eventually, after many months, the al-Qaeda were overthrown and a new campaign for presidency in Afghanistan was launched with the aid of American troops. Many Americans did not mind this. We were making a difference in a poor country, a third world nation oppressed by years of violence and force. We all went about our lives again, full of pride and thankful that it was all over. At least, we thought it was all over.

Years ago, when George Bush, Sr. was president, we went to war with Iraq in an attempt to overthrow the dictator Saddam Hussein. We succeeded in a small way. Hussein was ordered by United Nations officials to cease his brutal tactics, and the United States pulled out of Iraq. Since then, Hussein had continually ignored his orders, continuing the horrible torture of the native Iraqi people. Our current president felt it was his duty to continue his father’s work, again appealing to Congress, and again declaring war on Iraq. Once again, thousands of troops were shipped overseas with the intent of ridding Iraq of Hussein’s evil once and for all. In the end, Saddam was imprisoned and American troops again aided in a new presidency campaign, this time for Iraq. Once this was over, Americans hoped they would get their families’ back. They looked forward to again be able to hold their husbands and wives in their arms. This is not what happened, however. Troops were left in Iraq, and are still there.

Now, all of this has to make you wonder about the American system of government and how reliable it actually is. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m not some liberal anarchist with the intent of destroying the government by exposing corruption and evil. I can’t be an anarchist, by definition, because I don’t believe in human cooperation. I’m not a cynical nihilist either. I like to consider myself a licentious realist. I really don’t apply morals to myself, because it allows me to see things in an unbiased way. I’m not held back in my decisions by wondering if what I’m going to do now is going to hurt someone twenty years down the line. I take in events as they happen, and I consider how they can be dealt with in an appropriate way, not a humane way and not a quixotic way that has no benefit to our society at all. I do believe in morals, however. I believe there have to be moralistic people in life to hold back the sadistic reprobates from taking over the world and corrupting our hearts with evil. I believe religion is a terrible idea. I think it’s much batter to have an idea rather than a belief. Most religious fanatics are, in fact, hypocrites anyway. In my opinion, actually, everyone is a hypocrite. Most just don’t like to admit it. Everyone, on occasion, does something against their own ideals and beliefs that would normally contradict their everyday behavior had anyone been present to inform them of such. I believe that by identifying one’s self as something evil, there is no way to disappoint your soul or trash your convictions. Being very much against all forms of self-pity, I deny myself the responsibility of convictions. In this way, I have no need to feel sorry for myself or anyone else when I fail to follow through with said convictions. It’s not that I am without respect for the needs of my fellow human beings. It’s just that, in my mind, that respect does not matter in the grand scheme of life. I choose not to apply it unless it is beneficial to my needs or the greater needs of some other purpose.

Don’t get the wrong idea, though. I am not sharing my thoughts for some unselfish purpose of enlightening the world. No, I am in no way interested in infecting your minds because I think it is better for the world. I think it will be better for me. If more people see the world the way that I see it, there will be much less disagreement. I do everything I can to make living as easy as possible for myself and, sometimes, a small group of my closest friends. I have no interest in the rest of humanity. You’re all ignorant filth in my mind. Racists. Bigots. Activists. Even self-help groups. All a pointless waste of human intelligence, which I am closer and closer to thinking is nonexistent. The more people I meet daily, the more convinced I become that I am truly in my own personal Hell. Tortured and mutilated, I make my way through the endless pit of life so that I may emerge at the end, only to start over once again. The only deity I believe in is Satan. Let me be clear. I am NOT a member of the Satanic Church nor am I in any way a Satanist. Again, I believe in Satan, not Satanism. I believe I am Satan. I believe we are all our own devils. We place ourselves in situations which push us to the edge and test our ability to keep a balanced mind. When we finish with each task, we start with another, all through our lives until we die.

That’s another issue I must address. What happens to us when we die? Well, I believe our bodies die, but our beings, our souls, if you will, remain on this twisted plane of existence to continue the self-mutilation. We are in a cycle of never-ending pain that we are not even aware of. I think some figure it out. Those who figure out what they are really putting themselves through are those who are wisest. They reject resentment and accept their fate. I wish I could place myself into such a group, but I cannot. Everyday, I resent the constant physical and mental pain I go through. While I have realized that I am only doing this to myself, I choose to stray from blind enlightenment in favor of tormented interpretation. I take in each new pain and contemplate it until I have gone over every possible reason I would force myself into submission. Sometimes, I find an answer I like. Others, it is simply revealed to me why the human race is so detestable. People have often criticized me for my ungratefulness to be in this world. I ask you though, why be grateful of a life you are not proud of? Why pretend to enjoy what you are given when, inside, you hate it with all your being? Why lie to yourself? Why lie to anyone? I am very much in favor of complete and unbiased truth, consequences be damned. I went through a point in my life where I simply lied to everyone about everything. That led me into a very dark and lonely place. Now, I simply am as truthful as I possibly can be to everyone. I try not to lie. That is not to say I don’t lie on occasion. I just don’t enjoy it very much. I get no satisfaction from deceiving others. No, if I wish to cause pain to others, there are many ways to use the truth against them, I have found. People have definitely figured out how to use the truth against me. Granted, it has been twisted a bit, but it is still an acceptable account of what happened.

See, I went to a party one night. I’ll always remember this night. It opened my eyes to a lot. There was a lot of alcohol going through that party, and I indulged myself in the festivities. I think I was on my seventh or eighth shot of whiskey when I happened to find myself in the kitchen hall in front of a girl. For privacy’s sake, we’ll refer to this girl as Jailbait. Now, Jailbait and I, we had a sort of history. Nearly a year ago, while I was dating one of her, at the time, best friends, I was privy to several provocative webcam shows starring Jailbait. While I was not the only one to view these, I was centered on because my relationship with the girl we’ll refer to as TK. After a previous act of infidelity, TK was in no mood to hear my excuse when she learned of these shows, and she promptly left me. Jailbait and I remained friends, occasionally drifting toward the intimate side, all the way up until that fateful night. Now, when I came upon her in that hallway, I’ll admit, I was filled with thoughts that some would consider quite lewd, if not slightly illegal, so I walked up to her. She was more than a little intoxicated, and apparently under the assumption that that fact excluded her promiscuous activities of the night. So, what should happen? She kissed me. I, not even close to wanting to argue, returned the kiss for a nice little makeout session in the hallway. Well, as we pulled back, I noticed a bit of swaying on her part so, with the help of her supposed chaperone of the night, I took her into the bathroom where she promptly evacuated the remains of her alcoholic ingestion. In simpler terms, she puked everywhere. That chaperone, we’ll call her Deep Purple, then helped me carry Jailbait into the nearest bedroom where I was told to stay with her until she passed out. Already, I can think back and notice it’s an obvious cause for rumors for me to be in that bedroom alone with her while she is passed out drunk. Sadly, I did not think of it at the moment. So, I sat with her for a while until she passed out. I then left and told a very sober, very trustworthy friend to look after her. He agreed. The rest of the party yielded some interesting events I won’t go into quite yet. At about two-thirty in the morning, the police decided to pay us a little visit, so I ventured into the woods with five of my fellow party-goers, very much forgetting Jailbait or anything that had happened. The next week, however, upon my return to school, brought many conspicuous glances and remarks from people I wasn’t even sure I knew. Upon further investigation, I discovered I was being accused of forcing myself on Jailbait in several of those illegal ways I mentioned. This caused a chain reaction of emotions and events leading to me losing several friends. I suppose they weren’t quite my friends, though, if they wouldn’t believe me. I don’t really blame them, though. It did look a bit sober, outside point of view. It also didn’t help that one of these friends was a former acquaintance of Jailbait’s, and very much still interested in her. I wouldn’t mind his abandonment so much if he had actually told me something was wrong. Instead, he opted to just start ignoring me, and we have not spoken since. I hope one day, when everything quiets down, he’ll realize it’s not really a big deal. I’m sure it would have went a bit farther than rumors had anything actually happened. I say that like I’m not completely sure, because I’m not. I definitely agree that something could have happened that I don’t remember, because I was heavily intoxicated. I do strictly apply the belief that being under the influence in no way excuses your actions, but I also believe your actions while intoxicated are heavily based on your actions in everyday circumstances. I know I would never do anything like that on a normal day, so I don’t think I could do that while drunk. However, I am certain no one knows what really went on, except Jailbait and myself. Both of our views on the matter, in my opinion, are majorly obscured by alcohol and dignity, so I do not believe either of our explanations can be taken at face value. I do know nothing will be sorted out until I have a chance to talk with Jailbait, which has not happened yet in the four months since the party.

Like I said though, it did teach me the power of one person’s influence. When someone with a lot of connections decides to stretch the truth, it can have a big effect on many people in many ways. I definitely came out of that on the low end. She, however, is excused for the other two guys she made out with, one out of legal age limits, because of her intoxication. I suppose women have great power simply because they can use sex to their advantage. Sex is applied to everything when it comes to women. Most would say that’s not true and that it is guys with whom the sex factor is an issue. This is not true though. Guys consider sex in everything they do, sure, but women use sex with everything they do. Women have men at their knees simply because they are seen as sex objects. With all of the equal rights going on, sexuality lost it’s effect for a time, but it’s gaining strength once again. Women are rising to the top as sexual predators. This doesn’t bother most men. On the contrary, most men welcome this. Some, however, find it threatening. If women really have this much power over us, how do we know they’re not controlling every bit of our lives. Ask yourself how many times a woman has coaxed you into doing what she requested with promises of sex and intimacy. You’d be surprised how many of our decisions are influenced by the female presence without us even realizing it. We all try too look good for any girls we might see. We all worry about having nice things so girls won’t think we’re broke. We all worry about how we look and how women see us. We are slowly being overtaken. I don’t really mind sexual influence being the reason for action. It just makes me uneasy to realize that someone has so much power over me and my actions.

People often wonder if I do drugs. Some just assume that I do and go about their lives not really caring. Many, though, just ask me. The answer to that is yes. I smoke marijuana. I take pills. Percocets. Lortabs. Lorcets. Xanex. Valiums. Anything. I won’t shoot up though. I do my best to stay away from powdered substances, and it’s my experience that homemade drugs are usually a bad idea. I am firmly against cocaine, crystal meth, and heroin, though I have many friends who are on all of these. I don’t judge them though. I try not to talk them out of it, but I sometimes cannot help myself if I am really attached to them. I don’t like to mess with other people’s decisions though. I don’t think it’s my place to tell them what they should or should not do. That’s for them to decide. I definitely would not wanting them telling me how to live my life. I just try to accept their habits as long as they accept mine. There is one girl though. I was fairly certain I was in love for a while. I still am pretty sure about my feelings for her. She goes through a lot. She has a rough home life, and she was pretty messed up by an experience with an ex-boyfriend. For help, she started turning to drugs, and it just keeps getting worse. I’m scared of losing her. I care about her a lot. I used to tell her all the time, and I’m pretty sure she listened for a while. Then, though, she started getting deeper and deeper into her addictions, and now she just shuts out everyone for the most part. I know she wouldn’t want me to feel sorry for her, so I don’t. I just fear for her life. I’ve almost given up hope that she can be saved, and that really hurts. I don’t want to lose faith in her. I don’t want to lose her. I just hope that, sometime before she dies, she finds some kind of happiness in her life. I thought I could be that bit of happiness, but it’s looking more and more everday like I’m not even a part of her life anymore. Brittni, wherever you are, if you’re reading this, I love you. I love you, and I always will love you. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what you need. I wrote this not too long ago. It helps with explaining how I feel:

Hold my hand and hold your breath

I lay my head upon your breast

I listen for your heart, I feel for a pulse

Every moment, every second, every deadly impulse

All the powder falling from the candy filled sky

Every single night, you spread wings and fly

It seems to me you could have had so much more

Instead, you’re lying passed out on the floor

Take in the powder, take in the death

Cocaine, heroin, ecstasy and meth

Take in the air, take one more breath

One more may be all you have left

You swear to yourself, just one more line

Half a gram later, it’s just one more time

Half an ounce by, still not there

Half a day gone, who knows where

Half a life spent destroying your mind

Half a heart broken, half of it is mine

Sixteen beautiful years all amount to this

One simple test failed by tainted piss

Three short words, one more hit

Three places it hurts everytime the description fits

My soul, my head, and that place in my heart

That place where I hold you, where it’s breaking apart

That place you touched once, not too long ago

That dark and wicked place I am now afraid to go

Take in the powder, take in the death

Cocaine, heroin, ecstasy and meth

Take in the air, take one more breath

One more may be all you have left

You swear to yourself, just one more line

Half a gram later, it’s just one more time

Half an ounce by, still not there

Half a day gone, who knows where

Half a life spent destroying your mind

Half a heart broken, half of it is mine

Half the time, I’m convinced, you’re not to blame

You’re a victim of circumstance, a by-product of shame

It’s all because of someone who destroyed your innocent life

Someone who drove you to be friends with the knife

The other half, though, I hate myself for thinking

It was your own decision, the drugs and the drinking

Whatever the reason, whatever the pain

I’ll always be here for you, through sunshine or rain

Good times and bad, through life until death

I love you dearly with every single breath