Almost two years have passed since we said both hello and goodbye to our little angel princess.  So much has happened in that time.

If you have read my note following Hailey’s Story about the ‘First Year’ you may remember that I had a doctor’s appointment on August 4^th last year as we were planning to celebrate Hailey’s birthday.  Well, that appointment was the first of my pregnancy with our newest little one, Kelsey Cecelia, born March 14, 2006.  I was nervous and at times an absolute wreck during the pregnancy.  Truth be told, I’m still a wreck and Kelsey will be four and ½ months old on Hailey’s second birthday.

After the initial excitement of learning we would have another baby, life was fairly quiet for a while.  Then Meg suddenly began to get very anxious…about everything.  She didn’t want to go to school, she didn’t want to go to birthday parties, and she didn’t even want her friends to come over to play.  With the grief counselor’s help we realized her anxiety surfaced just about the same time in my pregnancy with Kelsey as I was with Hailey when we found out Hailey was going to die.  Megan knew we hadn’t told her and Ben right away about Hailey’s condition and we realized she was waiting for the other shoe to drop and learn that this baby would die too.  Both kids asked often throughout the pregnancy if ‘this baby’ would die and I knew I couldn’t promise them that it wouldn’t.  “Everything looks great, this baby is growing just fine, we plan to have a healthy baby in March….”

With our continued attention, help and encouragement, Meg gradually began to resume her normal activities.  It has taken a lot of strength on Megan’s part and we are so proud of her.

With respect to managing both our emotions and Kelsey’s and my care during the pregnancy, we considered carefully our options regarding prenatal testing.  Ultimately we chose to have only the nuchal translucency screening (our first sign that Hailey was in trouble) and a Level II sonogram.  Kelsey passed both ‘tests’ with flying colors.  She even managed a wave while we watched her on the sonogram.  Our decision to forgo additional screenings was due to the possibility of false positives – I certainly didn’t need anything to make me more nervous than I was already, and we opted not to have an amnio done based on the risk of miscarriage, even though the risk was admittedly very small.

Even knowing that Kelsey was doing well, I was a very nervous expectant Mom.  Although I was careful not to relay my concerns to Megan or Ben, I frequently had panic attacks and would call the doctor’s office so I could go in to hear her heartbeat.  Once Kelsey started to ‘kick,’ I would be seized by thoughts that she hadn’t moved enough.  I rented a Doppler, but that wasn’t as good as the Doctor telling me she was ok…I finally set up a weekly appointment to hear her and have them tell me she was doing fine.

Though pregnant with a new little life, I continued to miss Hailey...it is true that a new baby cannot replace the one you’ve lost.  I will admit I was worried that somehow Hailey would be forgotten as we prepared for Kelsey’s arrival.  It might sound odd, but it came as a great relief to find myself crying as I continued to grieve the loss of my little princess.

Time alternately passed very quickly and agonizingly slowly.  Then it was time for us to schedule Kelsey’s delivery by c-section.  It took me awhile before I was able to plan for Kelsey’s arrival.  I didn’t want to decorate the nursery or buy any clothes, much less schedule her delivery, but time was running out.  Kelsey was due March 22^nd.  C-section babies are typically taken a week to 10 days prior to their due dates…so, March 12-March 16 was our timeframe.  Each of the dates within this timeframe came with its own unique problem.

March 12^th was a Sunday…no surgeries would be scheduled on the weekend.  March 13^th…some day her birthday would fall on a Friday and I just didn’t want my baby’s birthday to be Friday the 13^th.  March 14^th was the 20^th Anniversary of my mother-in-law’s death (and 25^th for my grandfather-in-law).  March 15^th would be two years to the day we found out something was terribly wrong with Hailey.  And that left only March 16^th which seemed too long to wait once we knew she could be delivered earlier in the week - and of course I knew anything could happen at anytime and I felt more comfortable with the idea of her being born and cared for on the outside rather than the inside.

As we had already decided to name Kelsey after her grandmother Cecelia, we finally decided that Tuesday, March 14^th was the right day.  My sister-in-law agreed that something good should happen on that day.

Having decided on March 14^th, I was fearful we were tempting fate to have our daughter delivered on the day my husband’s mother died.  Because my delivery with Hailey led me to hemorrhage, my husband had been hesitant to even try to have another child and potentially risk losing me.  It was only after the doctors insisted that I could deliver a healthy baby without complications that he relented, knowing how much I wanted to care for another baby.  So when on Saturday, March 11^th I started seeing spots and knowing my blood pressure had been elevated and that I was extremely swollen (all symptoms of pre-eclampsia) I was almost relieved when the doctor said we should head to the hospital.  The only problem was finding someone to stay with Megan and Ben, as my sister-in-law who was going to stay with them wasn’t planning to be in town until Monday.  A good friend (Kelsey’s godmother) willingly agreed to stay.  Our trip to the hospital was anti-climatic.  After several hours of waiting and having several tests performed, I was sent home to wait for Tuesday…fortunately I did not have pre-eclampsia….unfortunately we still had to wait for Kelsey.

My surgery was scheduled for 1:30pm.  Very tired (of course I didn’t sleep) and very thirsty (I couldn’t eat or drink after midnight) I arrived at the hospital on March 14^th just before noon.  Because the doctor was already at the hospital performing another c-section, my surgery was moved up and Kelsey was born just after 1pm – in plenty of time to call Meg and Ben at school (we had sent them to school as a distraction) and tell them Kelsey had arrived, safe and sound and a little noisy…and with lots of Angel Kisses – birthmarks found on her eyelids and forehead.

Now that Kelsey is finally ‘here,’ Meg is no longer intensely anxious and it is not such a struggle for her to handle her day-to-day activities (but she has been discovered placing her hand on Kelsey’s chest to make sure she is breathing).  Meg has been enjoying her littlest sister immensely, but still misses Hailey.  She continues to surprise us with the depth of her sadness.  She watches Kelsey grow and change and misses what might have been.  The closer we get to Hailey’s birthday, the more she is reminded of what we lost.

I think my husband has begun to grieve more openly this year than he did the first.  My guess is that he is finally not as worried about Meg and me as he once was.

Just as we celebrated Christmas with Hailey by again decorating her small evergreen (the one under which she is buried) and this year added a special “Hailey tree” on the landing of our second story foyer (which I had intended to decorate solely with white lights and angel ornaments until Meg and Ben decided it should be trimmed with ornaments a little girl would enjoy – Ben insisted on Barney the purple dinosaur - ….they were right), we will celebrate her second birthday.  To celebrate we are again raising butterflies.  Megan decided this year we should name the caterpillars – she was the first to pick a name….”Hailey.”  I chose “Angel Baby,” Ben chose “Ben,” Dad chose “Jed” (no, I have no idea where that came from) and we decided Kelsey had picked “Rrrrr” as it is the only thing she knows how to say and she says it often.  A few more have been named, but not yet all.

As of this writing, one caterpillar has died – another reminder that sometimes things happen and even caterpillars don’t always grow right…we will bury him near Hailey’s grave.  The remaining 35 caterpillars have all formed their chrysalises (Hailey Caterpillar was the first to accomplish this task) and we anxiously await the arrival of our beautiful butterflies.

We have chosen to raise butterflies these last two years in celebration of Hailey’s birthday because we are reminded of our little girl each time we see one and are convinced this is the way she has found to visit with us.  I have noticed that whenever the four (now five) of us are all together for an ‘event,’ we see a butterfly.  The other day it was when Ben was playing lacrosse.  Even he noticed it and said “I saw Hailey tonight during the game.”  It is not always the same butterfly of course, and usually different colored ones and it has just occurred to me that Hailey must not want to wear the same outfit all the time...she is just like her big sister.

I have to mention at this point that my husband and I had always talked about having three little girls and when Ben arrived we assumed our plans had changed…It is bittersweet to realize that we do indeed have our three little girls…just not the way we intended. 

I will always love and miss my beautiful little Hailey, time will make the pain less intense, but my heart will forever ache with the longing to give her just one more kiss.

Hailey's little sister Kelsey (as she watches Ben play lacrosse)