FADE IN

INT. NIGHT—WOLFRAM & HART, L.A.

 

The L.A. offices of Wolfram and Hart, as they were before they were destroyed. They are empty, except for a single blue-haired figure, clad in a multi-colored leather catsuit, who wanders their halls. She is ILLYRIA, ex-god-king of the primordium.

 

ILLYRIA

The wolf, the ram, and the hart. This was destroyed.

 

FRED (o.s.)

Twice actually.

 

Reverse angle to reveal FRED Burkle. She bears a strong resemblance to Illyria, but her hair, eyes, and forehead are all more natural tones, and her dress is somewhat more conservative. A sundress, perhaps.

 

FRED

But they keep coming back, like that cat in the song.

 

ILLYRIA

What is this?

 

FRED

Remember that moment in Casablanca when Humphrey Bogart says to Ingrid Bergman,

(Bogart impression)

“We’ll always have Paris”?

(normal voice)

Of course you do, because Wesley and I watched it together, and you have my memories. Well, this is Paris. Only not literally. Although I do hear the Paris branch of Wolfram & Hart does look a lot like this.

 

ILLYRIA

These are memories. Mental recreations of past events. Illusions.

 

FRED

Evidently my brain still works. Good to know.

 

ILLYRIA

(really taking notice of Fred for the first time)

You are her. The shell.

 

FRED

No, actually, you are the shell. I just happen to be its previous owner.

 

ILLYRIA

You were destroyed. In the Fires of Resurrection.

 

FRED

Just my soul. There’s more to me than just that. Like my memories, all of which live in you. The soul is important, but its not everything. Just ask any vampire.

 

ILLYRIA

I am not a half-breed.

 

FRED

My body and your . . . whatever. Two sets of memories — three, even. Sounds like a hybrid to me.

 

ILLYRIA

This illusion, it displeases me. This mental labyrinth, this —

 

FRED

Dream?

 

ILLYRIA

I do not dream.

 

FRED

Perhaps not. But I do, and you’re stuck with my body now. And while you’re at it, you might want to stay away from anchovies—I’m allergic.

 

ILLYRIA

I wish it to end.

 

FRED

Well, I’m not really a vengeance demon or anything like that, but — wish granted.

 

FLASH-CUT TO:

INT. ILLYRIA’S APARTMENT—NIGHT

 

Illyria’s (blue) eyes suddenly snap open and she emits a startled gasp. Now, awake, she steps out of bed, the covers falling away as she does so to reveal her naked back (and, out of the frame, the rest of her naked body). There is a beat, and her bare flesh suddenly MORPHS into the leather catsuit as she starts for the bedroom door.

 

EXT. CLEVELAND STREET—NIGHT

 

Illyria makes her way down the street. A gang of three street youths, EDDIE, MALCOLM, and ALEC observe her.

 

EDDIE

Look, boys, it’s the Blue Fairy.

 

ALEC

Yow-ee. Look at that outfit. Lookin’ for some action, babe?

 

ILLYRIA

I am disturbed. I wish to engage in violence.

 

The three youths VAMP.

 

MALCOLM

Happy to oblige.

 

They fight, Illyria easily beating back the three’s attacks. She backhands Malcolm, and sends him flying across the street. He falls back on a park bench, impaled, and explodes in a cloud of dust.

 

EDDIE

(backing up)

Wh-what are you?

 

ILLYRIA

I am Illyria, the Ancient Source of All Destruction.

 

She grabs him by the hair, decapitating him. Dust. Off the end-of-teaser look on Alec’s face as he runs away, we

 

CUT TO:

 

FAITH, the Vampire Slayer, observing the skirmish. A stake is in her left hand, a lit cigarette in her right.

 

FAITH

Now, isn’t that interesting.

 

FADE TO BLACK

 

END OF TEASER

Dark Champions

“Night of the Old One”

Starring

        

Juliet Landau

Stephanie Romanov

Tom Lenk

and

Amy Acker as Illyria

 

Guest Starring

     

Martin Landau

Matt Champagne

Written, Directed, and Produced by Rev. Alixtii O’Krul V, TRL

Based on Characters by Joss Whedon
A Production of the Church of St. Jesu the Heretic, Discordian

 

FADE IN

INT. OFFICE—DAY

 

We start with a CLOSE UP on an analogue wall clock. The time is 3:36. The minute hand pulls back in the manner of schoolwall clocks, then lunges forward to 3:37.

 

MALE VOICE (o.s.)

Head of the Science Division of Wolfram & Hart’s Los Angeles branch. May I ask why you ended your employment there?

 

PULL BACK to reveal Fred (or Illyria-as-Fred) sitting in a chair across from a man at a big desk. This man is DEVON WILSHIRE, a bureaucratic bigwig.

 

FRED

You may.

 

WILSHIRE

Why did you end your employment?

 

FRED

Earthquake. The L.A. branch was totally destroyed.

 

WILSHIRE

Well, Wolfram & Hart has offices here in Cleveland. Why don’t you work there?

 

FRED

Let’s just say Wolfram & Hart and I don’t see eye-to-eye anymore.

 

WILSHIRE

(meaningfully)

Earthquake?

 

Fred gives him an enigmatic look.

 

WILSHIRE

(moving on)

Author of “Supersymmetry and P-Dimensional Subspace.” Impressive. Have you ever done any work with time manipulation?

 

FRED

(deadpan)

I have some experience in that category, yes.

 

WILSHIRE

Wonderful. Now, it says here that you’ve attended graduate classes at UCLA but never completed the program. May I a—

(beat)

Why is that?

 

FRED

I was sucked through a portal into a hell dimension for five years.

 

Wilshire nods, taking the information in stride.

 

INT. A DIFFERENT OFFICE—DAY

 

A man stands behind his desk. A different clock is on the wall. He is dressed in business clothes, but has a fatherly Mayor Wilkins-Holland Manners type of feel to him. He is EDWARD LANOIRE.

 

LANOIRE

Now why don’t you just explain to me what happened, Alec? Nice and slowly.

 

ALEC

Me and my buds were on the street, minding our own business, looking for a snack, when all of a sudden this chick comes by in this tight-fitting outfit. Really hot, if you know what I mean. Only she was blue. Well, her hair was. And her eyes. And her forehead.

 

LANOIRE

And what did you do, Alec?

 

ALEC

Well, we started hitting on her, you know. Because she was like, a looker and all. But then she said—she said she was disturbed by something, and that she was looking for violence. So we decided to give her some.

 

LANOIRE

Tsk. Tsk. And then she dusted Malcolm and Eddie?

 

ALEC

Uh-huh. She threw Eddie into a park bench and pulled Ed’s head right off his shoulders. And then she said she was—

 

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)

Illyria, God-king of the Primordium.

REVERSE ANGLE to reveal LILAH MORGAN, a scarf around her neck.

 

LILAH

Well, former god-king.

 

BOOK—DEMON PICTURE

 

A picture (black and white etching) of a demon which looks absolutely nothing like Illyria.

 

MALE VOICE (o.s.)

Former demon lord of a thousand underworlds.

 

INT. SLAYER CENTRAL 2—DAY

 

AKA Faith’s apartment. Yes, there is a sign on the wall which reads “Slayer Central 2: The Cleveland Cases.” It was clearly painted by ANDREW, the geek-cum-supervillain-cum-repentant whiner who is waxing poetic about the newest demon (he has a book open to the picture in the previous shot) to Faith, who seems incredibly uninterested.

 

ANDREW

The harbinger of incredible darkness.

 

FAITH

(uncertain)

It doesn’t look like the creature I saw last night.

 

ANDREW

This is its true form. We don’t know what form it took when in order to enter our dimension. You said it was blue?

 

FAITH

Yeah.

 

ANDREW

Then it was probably this. Besides, Giles said there was a prophecy about this creature returning to a Hellmouth. Sunnydale is destroyed, so—

 

FAITH

It has to be coming here. I got it. Tell me again why he couldn’t have just left this information on my voice mail?

 

ANDREW

He felt you would be better served with my skills as a Watcher-in-Training extraordinaire, esquire, et cetera.

(beat)

And you never check your messages.

 

INT. DEMONTECH OFFICES—HALL—DAY

 

Fred/Illyria and Devon Wilshire walk through the hall. A large “DemonTech Industries” sign hangs in the hall.

 

WILSHIRE

I think we’ll be able to find a place for you on the team, Ms. Burkle. Here, let me show you a tour of the place.

 

INT. DIMENSIONAL FABRIC LAB—DAY

 

The laboratory is white and sterile, somewhat (but not overly) reminiscient of Fred’s laboratory in the last season of Angel. It’s a nice, leisurely shot, panning over the entire laboratory.

 

WILSHIRE (o.s.)

Our particle accelerators are capable of velocities of—well, of infinity, really, but my scientists tell me that would cause the particles to gain infinite mass, causing a rift in the interdimensional fabric which would suck everything everywhere into it, which is why we don’t do.

 

Fred and Wilshire are entering the laboratory. GENE RAINY, physicist, looks up at them as they do so.

 

GENE

It would create a miniature black hole capable of swallowing the Earth. Not a good idea.

 

WILSHIRE

Gene, this is Winifred Burkle, she’ll be working with you here. Ms. Burkle, this is Eugene Rainy, the head of our Dimensional Fabric Research team.

 

GENE

So far, we’ve found out that if you use the right softener, the dimensional fabric becomes soft and fluffy with a fresh outdoor scent.

 

FRED

(laughs)

Nice to meet you.

 

GENE

Winifred Burkle? As in the author of “Supersymmetry and P-Dimensional Subspace”? The pleasure is all mine. Your analysis of heterotic theories as being flawed a priori inspired this experiment. You see, I’m alternating the valuables of the distance scales—

 

WILSHIRE

I guess I’ll just leave you two alone to get acquainted.

 

He slips away as Fred and Gene continue their tech-laden conversation.

 

FRED

What about the feedback quotient? Won’t the scales become inverted by the T-duality—

 

GENE

Not within a fragmented vector. You see

[continues, unintelligible]

 

LILAH (v.o.)

Once she was a being of unimagined might.

 

INT. W&H OFFICE – DAY

 

Lilah, Alec, and Lanoire.

 

LILAH

Illyria ruled undisputed over a million Earths. And then, there was an uprising, and it was consigned to the Deeper Well.

 

LANOIRE

But it escaped?

 

LILAH

Escaped, was let out, something. Who knows what happened, exactly? Now she’s out.

 

LANOIRE

And why would the god-king of the primawhatsit be going around slaying vampires?

 

LILAH

Primordium. And the short answer is no one knows.

 

LANOIRE

The long answer?

 

LILAH

When Illyria escaped from the Deeper Well, it needed to take a human host. It is now trapped in that human form. Most of its powers are gone.

 

LANOIRE

Most?

(beat)

Do you know who that host was, Lilah?

(beat)

We need you to tell us everything you know, Lilah.

 

LILAH

You need me to tell you what the Senior Partners think you should know, Edward. They have plans for Illyria. Big plans. And the last thing they need is you messing them up.

 

LANOIRE

And the plans in L.A. went off so well. Where you used to work, if I remember correctly.

 

LILAH

I was in Hell then. Not my fault.

 

LANOIRE

Oh, of course not. Just tell me what the Senior Partners want us to do.

 

INT. DIMENSIONAL FABRIC LAB—DAY

 

LILAH (v.o.)

Wait. Just wait. And watch.

 

GENE

Look at this. I just need to reprogram the oscillation length of the Ferguson dynamics, and —

 

An energy NEXUS appears in front of them.

 

FRED

An interdimensional rift.

 

GENE

Isn’t it cool?

 

FRED

It’s . . . beautiful.

 

Gene pushes a button. The nexus disappears.

 

GENE

Our next step is to stabilize it, study it, figure out how to use it.

 

FRED

Use it?

 

GENE

Welcome to the world of commercial research. Everything has a purpose. Just think of the things this type of technology could be used for: faster than light travel; interdimensional communications; alterations of temporal flows. Knowledge for knowledge’s sake is a thing of the past, I’m afraid.

 

FRED

(curt; tones of Illyria showing through)

They are looking for a weapon.

 

GENE

(off-balance)

Not necessarily. Think of it more as a tool, something to make life easier.

 

FRED

(Illyria receding)

Still, they seek to increase their own power.

 

GENE

Well, yeah. Who doesn’t?

 

FRED

(as Fred)

You don’t think someone could keep fighting with no hope of reward, knowing he is going to fail, just because it is the right thing to do?

 

GENE

He’d have to be whacked.

 

EXT. CLEVELAND STREET—NIGHT

 

Alec and a blonde date — we’ll call her VAMP GIRL — walk down the street.

 

VAMP GIRL

So you went to Wolfram and Hart?

 

ALEC

(shrugged)

The three of us have done a few odd jobs for them in the past. I thought they might be interested in hearing about the new player in town.

 

VAMP GIRL

So what’d they give you?

 

Alec pulls a WAD OF BILLS out of his pocket, shows them to his girl.

 

ALEC

What you want, girl? Name it.

 

VAMP GIRL

(pointing)

Her.

 

Across the street, a RANDOM GIRL is walking down the pavement.

 

ALEC

(vamp face)

My pleasure.

 

The two vamps circle their prey. She screams, trying to get away, to no avail. Suddenly, Alec EXPLODES INTO DUST, and we see behind him an ELDERLY GENTLEMAN, at least 80, holding onto his wooden cane which he had just plunged into Alec’s heart. Vamp girl turns on him, but he knocks her down, and then drives the cane through her heart as well —(off screen to save money). We hear her DUST.

 

RANDOM GIRL

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

The elderly gentleman MORPHS into the image from Andrew’s book. He is very, very blue. He is our monster of the week—KRYLFNAR. He grabs the girl by the neck, then speaks in a deep, guttural voice.

 

KRYLFNAR

Why, you’re very welcome, little lady.

 

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE

 

FADE IN

 

INT. DEMON BAR—NIGHT

 

DEMON #1

And so I said to her, first you hatch the eggs. Then we’ll perform the reg’hio. And you know what she did?

 

DEMON #2

What?

 

DEMON #1

She begins to chase me around the place with her pincers, threatening to rip me into pieces and feed the remains to her larvae. And she’s singing “Like a Virgin” the entire time, with her other mouth.

 

DEMON #2

(sighs)

How romantic. Why can’t I find a mate like that?

 

It’s a motley crew — demons, humans, probably even a few vamps. The camera explores the place for a bit, then rest on Fred (i.e. Illyria), who sits at the counter, nursing an alcoholic beverage. It’s bright orange. A bartender, JOE, works in the background.

 

FAITH

What’s a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?

 

Faith sits down in the seat next to Fred. Startled, Fred turns, then recognizes Faith. Her face lights up.

 

FRED

Faith! How are you? I haven’t seen you since—

 

FAITH

Yeah. Since Wes’ funeral.

(to bartender)

My regular, Joe.

(to Fred)

So what are you doing in town?

 

FRED

(proudly)

I live here now. I have a job. And they’re not evil this time.

(beat)

I think. I should check up on that.

 

Joe delivers Faith her drink.

 

FAITH

So we’re Clevelandites together, now. I think we can drink to that.

(toasts)

To Hellmouth Living.

 

FRED

(toasting)

To Cleveland. My new home.

 

FAITH

(re: Fred’s drink)

What is that?

 

FRED

Nah’dran tonic.

 

FAITH

May I?

 

FRED

(hands her the drink)

Go ahead.

 

Faith kicks back a very small amount of Fred’s drink. Immediately, she makes a face — the strong alcohol face. You know the one I mean. Only very exaggerated.

 

FAITH

God, that has a hell of a kick to it.

 

Fred shrugs. She takes the drink back from Faith and finishes it off without changing her facial expression.

 

FRED

(to bartender)

I’ll have another.

 

Joe looks at her strangely, than shrugs and refills the glass.

 

FAITH

(suddenly serious)

Have you heard any word from Angel?

 

FRED

Not a word.

 

FAITH

Damn. Where could he be?

 

FRED

There’s always the possibility —

 

FAITH

Don’t say it. I don’t know what went down in L.A., but whatever it was, Angel got through it. He’s a survivor.

 

FRED

I hope you’re right.

 

FAITH

I know I am.

 

But there is doubt in her eyes.

 

INT. LILAH’S APARTMENT—NIGHT

 

Lilah enters the apartment. The lights are out, and the room is cast in shadows.

 

FEMALE VOICE (o.s.)

Everything’s changed, hasn’t it? My two boys messed up your plans, and now the vinegar’s dripped into the winepress. Can’t go on as before.

 

LILAH

(hanging up her jacket)

The Senior Partners are flexible. The apocalypse goes on.

 

The female, of course, is DRUSILLA. The vampire stands in the doorway of Lilah’s kitchenette. She is dressed in a long black dress, sleek and stylish. The kitchenette light is on, backlighting her. She steps forward, and her face becomes visible.

 

DRUSILLA

Poof! End of the world. Except, where’s the fun in that?

LILAH

I do what I’m told.

 

DRUSILLA

Such the obedient little evil bitch queen. Of course, you haven’t much choice anymore, do you?

 

Dru makes her way over to Lilah, pulls away the scarf to reveal the red mark where Wesley severed her head. Lilah recovers the scarf, re-covers her neck.

 

DRUSILLA

But fate is an interesting thing, dear. It’s something that even you and your masters cannot defy, no matter how much you try.

 

LILAH

(eager)

You see something? What is it?

 

DRUSILLA

(whispers into her ear)

You’d better hide while they have their hands over their eyes. The rules of the game are about to change. Again.

 

LILAH

“They”? The Senior Partners?

DRUSILLA

(non sequitor; pouting)

I want to hunt.

 

LILAH

Faith is out there, on those streets. And Illyria. There’s blood in the fridge.

 

DRUSILLA

It’s cold.

 

LILAH

(without patience)

Then learn how to work the microwave.

 

DRUSILLA

The machine of plastic and steel can make it hot, but not warm. It lies when it says it’s warm. It’s not the warmth of an innocent body, singing out to me, a warmth you and I will never again feel in our own blood. The blood sustains, yes, but it is the hunt which nourishes us.

 

LILAH

It’s too dangerous.

 

DRUSILLA

I’ll meet them, soon enough. You’re counting on it. But not yet. It’s too soon. Trust me, I know. I always know.

 

She makes her way out of the apartment. Lilah simply stares at the door as it closes behind the vampire. Lilah is alone in the room.

 

LILAH

Of course.

 

INT. DEMON BAR—NIGHT

 

Fred/Illyria gestures for the bartender to refill her glass.

 

JOE

Hey, look lady. That drink is mystically enhanced. It’s designed for demon constitutions.

 

FAITH

It’s all right, Joe. I’ll make sure she gets home safe.

(to Fred)

Man, if I knew you could hold your liquor like that, I would have taken you to Harry’s last time I was in L.A.

 

Joe pours Fred her drink.

 

FRED

Last time you were in L.A., I couldn’t.

 

FAITH

(jumping to—wrong—conclusions)

Wes?

 

Fred doesn’t answer.

 

FAITH

I know what you mean. Have to admit, downed quite a few Jack bottles since the funeral. I mean, Wes was my Watcher. Didn't approve of everything I did — in fact, approved of very little I did for most of the time he knew me. But that didn't matter. What mattered was that he bothered to have an opinion at all, paid attention no matter what. And now, no one cares anymore. I’ve lost my audience.

 

FRED

I’m sure that’s not true.

 

FAITH

(muttering)

Here I am on a Hellmouth, and who do they send to watch my back? Geek boy.

 

FRED

What?

 

FAITH

Never mind. It’s okay. This way, when I screw up, it won’t matter.

 

FRED

(firmly)

It matters. That’s when it matters most, ‘cause then you are doing it because you know it’s the right thing, and not because of anyone else.

 

FAITH

But then, when you get down to it, how do you know what’s right? I don’t have the best track record for making decisions, you know.

 

EXT. CLEVELAND STREET—NIGHT

 

Drusilla makes her way through the street at night. At the intersection in front of her, there is VAMP FOOD—three (bottle?) blonde girls talking excitedly to each other, one

on a cell phone. Drusilla walks slowly, with extreme deliberation.

 

 

FRED (v.o.)

No one knows. That’s what makes life so difficult. And interesting.

 

DRUSILLA

I know you are there.

 

Out of the shadows steps Kryfnal, in his elderly gentleman guise.

 

KRYFNAL

You are perceptive for a half-breed.

 

DRUSILLA

And you fail to see what is right in front of your nose. When you have a nose.

 

KRYFNAL

I see a vampire who is going to attack some poor unsuspecting mortals. Only, I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.

 

DRUSILLA

You want them for yourselves.

 

KRYFNAL

You have a problem with that?

 

DRUSILLA

(shrugs)

Life has not always been kind to me. Death neither. You rail and you curse, but what shall be eventually the lost lamb finds her way home.

 

KRYFNAL

You. You see the future.

 

DRUSILLA

(agreeably)

It has pomegranates. But the apples . . . they will rot and die. Turn into mushrooms.

 

 

KRYFNAL

And you’re insane.

 

DRUSILLA

Now, you begin to see. But not enough. Not nearly enough.

KRYFNAL

Oh, and what have I missed?

 

DRUSILLA

Your prey. You don’t need their blood. You simply enjoy causing pain, the chaos and the destruction which it brings.

(with relish; falling into a reverie)

Feeling the warm flesh in your hands as you are about to rip it to pieces. So weak, so frail, so mortal. You feel the rush of power as you sink your claws into the skin—

 

KRYFNAL

(interrupting)

Miss?

 

The camera looks over Dru’s shoulder, focusing on the background. A car pulls up at the intersection, and the girls get in. Dru doesn’t see this happen, having kept her back to the intersection the entire time, but knows it nonetheless.

 

DRUSILLA

You see, the thing is: you’ve just lost them.

 

EXT. CLEVELAND STREET—NIGHT

 

Not too obviously the same set used in the other Cleveland exteriors (including the one immediately previous), although budgeting issues will no doubt necessitate creativity. Fred/Illyria and Faith walk down the street.

 

FRED

This is me. Home, sweet home.

 

FAITH

Well… good seeing you again.

 

FRED

Yeah. We’ll have to plan something.

 

Fred enters the apartment building, casting a backward glance as she does so.

 

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALL—NIGHT

 

Fred pulls out her key, unlocks her door, and enters.

 

INT. ILLYRIA’S APARTMENT—NIGHT

 

Fred enters, turns on the lights, shuts the door behind her. She makes her way to the wall, upon which rests an ornate mirror. She looks at her reflection in it. Fred’s reflection.

FRED

(in Illyria's voice)

Fascinating.

 

She TRANSFORMS to Illyria.

 

FADE TO BLACK

 

END OF ACT TWO

 

FADE IN

 

INT. ILLYRIA’S DREAM

 

Wolfram and Hart. Id and ego collide.

 

ILLYRIA

Here again.  Why do I constantly return to this place?

 

FRED

It haunts you. It pervades your dreams — or your nightmares. Your conscious mind renounces this place, but your subconscious obsesses over it. Your self is divided, conflicted. Very human of you.

 

ILLYRIA

You. You are the creation of my subconscious. What does it want of me?

 

FRED

(wistful)

Would that it were so easy.

(turns to Illyria)

Welcome to being human. None of us know the reason we were put on Earth, not really, what it is which is asked of us. Some are Chosen, some have great destinies, some get written about in prophecies. Some are just ordinary girls like me who get caught up in something bigger than themselves. But not one of them knows, in the end, what it really is about.

(wistful again)

But they keep on fighting anyway. We kept on fighting.

 

ILLYRIA

When—

 

FRED

(stealing her thunder)

When you were king, your goal was clear: total domination of everything which moved. No need for introspection, never questioning your rôle as supreme ruler of anything you saw. Is there anyone who hasn’t heard the story? But this is the postmodern age, Illyria: no absolutes, no answers. Just questions, and more questions, and then dying. Take my word for it: the questions part is the good part

 

ILLYRIA

(re: W&H)

But this, it is all of my own creation. It should answer to my command. Instead, it rebels against me, mounts an insurrection within my own mind that I cannot put down.

 

FRED

I think you’ve already discovered that there is no mystery greater than that of the human mind. You didn’t think your own would be the exception, did you?

 

ILLYRIA

As long as I stand divided, I am weakened. More easily conquered. You must help me to end this insurgence.

 

FRED

I am the insurgence, Machiavelli.

 

ILLYRIA

(begins to circle Fred)

An avatar for my subconscious, taking the form of the woman I murdered.

 

FRED

(verbally sparring; circles Illyria)

The same form you wear everyday.

 

They circle each other.

 

ILLYRIA

Is this — guilt?

 

FRED

(noncommittal)

Could be.

 

ILLYRIA

Guilt is —

 

FRED

Beneath you. We know.

(impatient)

When you were king, you would do as you wish, without a qualm in the world, caring for no one’s —

 

ILLYRIA

I was going to say unpleasant.

 

FRED

(taken back)

Oh.

 

Suddenly, a siren goes off, and the building begins to shake.

 

ILLYRIA

The destruction of Wolfram & Hart. My subconscious brings me back here, to the fateful night —

 

FRED

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, honey.

 

FLASH-CUT TO:

 

INT. ILLYRIA’S APARTMENT—DAY

 

The alarm clock reads 7:30, of course — aren’t all alarm clocks in the Buffyverse set to go off at that time? Mine is, and I don’t even live in the Buffyverse. Probably. Illyria gets out of bed, TRANSFORMS to Fred. Think about how much time it would save in the morning if instead of getting all presentable, you could just morph into a perfectly made-over persona.

 

INT. SLAYER CENTRAL 2—DAY

 

Early morning. Faith makes her way out of her bedroom into the living room, wearing an outfit she could conceivably have slept in, but could also go outside in — e.g., elastic shorts and a t-shirt. Andrew is on the couch, asleep — and wearing pink pyjamas. Faith slips into the kitchenette, opens a cabinet.

 

POV SHOT—CABINET

 

Junk food: chips, cookies, crackers, etc. Dr. Atkins would have a heart attack just contemplating the cabinets’ contents. Faith pulls out a bag of chips.

 

BACK TO BEFORE

 

Faith starts munching on the chips.

 

ANDREW

(from living room; groggy)

Faith? Is that you?

 

FAITH

Of course not. What would I be doing in my own apartment?

 

ANDREW

What are you doing?

 

FAITH

(looking at chips, muttering)

Just having a healthy breakfast.

 

ANDREW

Ooh! I’ll make breakfast! How about omelets?

 

FAITH

Don’t have eggs.

 

ANDREW

Erm. Well, how about toast?

 

FAITH

Look, one of us here has a job. Day job. God knows the Council stipend doesn’t even cover the rent.

 

ANDREW

Go easy on them. Most of them blew up.

 

He clicks the remote to turn the TV on.

 

FAITH

Always possible to pick up where the First left off. . . .

TV REPORTER

. . . her head severed from her body, found on South Madison Street in northwest Cleveland. Her purse lay near the body, all of her belongings presumably remaining, and the police are baffled as to any possible motive for this crime.

 

FAITH

(moving into the living room to look at TV)

Demonic activity?

 

ANDREW

(turns down volume)

Completely possible. Kryfnal the Corrupter is still on the loose.

 

FAITH

That the blue gal Giles sent you here to warn me about?

 

ANDREW

(nods)

A being older than the race of humans itself. . . .

 

FAITH

(cutting him off)

I saw her pull off the head of a vampire the other night. That could easily have been what happened to this girl.

(beat)

Madison street. That’s near where Fred lives.

 

ANDREW

(being all Watcherish)

You should patrol tonight. I’ll hit the boo —

 

Faith doesn’t even pay attention to him as she heads back towards her bedroom.

 

FAITH

We’ll discuss this later. I better get dressed, get out of here. Working girl, y’know.

 

INT. DEMONTECH LABS—DAY

 

Fred enters the labs; Gene is always scribbling away on a clipboard. He notices her and pulls himself away from the clipboard.

 

GENE

Ms. Burkle. Good morning.

 

FRED

Please, call me Fred.

 

GENE

And I’m Gene. Are you ready for another day of thrilling particle acceleration?

 

FRED

 You don’t get any readier than this.

 

GENE

I was thinking we’d try to a multi-frequency quantum pulse today, see if we could use it to stabilize the singularity. If not, we should at least get some interesting data to integrate.

 

FRED

Sounds like fun.

 

GENE

You wanna run the emitter?

 

FRED

Love to.

 

Gene throws Fred a set of keys, which she catches out of the air effortlessly (being Illyria and all).

 

GENE

Nice catch. Take care of her.

 

INT. LILAH’S APPARTMENT—DAY

 

Drusilla looks at the outline of the light streaming through the window, holds her hand up just out of it, hovering outside of the light. She steps into it by mistake, and her bare foot begins to SMOKE before she pulls it back with a high-pitched yelp. She curls up into a fetal position, holding it.

 

DRUSILLA

Not yet. But soon

(to foot)

Soon the stars come into alignment, queen to queen’s bishop six. Check. Tonight.

(bends closer to the foot)

Now let Mommy kiss it and make it all better.

 

EXT. CLEVELAND STREET—NIGHT

 

Illyria walks down the street, looking for trouble. She doesn’t find any — the night is calm, and there are no vamps in sight.

 

ANOTHER ANGLE

 

Faith, performing her nightly patrol. She passes under a “S. Madison St.” sign — she’s looking out for Fred. She spies Illyria, and her hand tightens around her stake.

 

FAITH

(to self)

Come and get it, Kryfnal.

 

Faith crosses the street, comes face-to-face with Illyria.

 

ILLYRIA

Faith. The Vampire Slayer.

 

FAITH

(striking Illyria)

I see you’ve heard of me.

 

Illyria blocks the punch, but Faith hits Illyria again, this time connecting and sending her falling. Illyria gets up as Faith comes in with another punch. Illyria grabs Faith’s fist in mid-air, throws her to the side.

 

ILLYRIA

I am not your enemy.

 

FAITH

Why is it that the bad guys always keep saying that? You go rogue just the once, and suddenly all the Big Bads want to be your buddy.

Faith throws two more punches, each of which is blocked by Illyria. They continue to fight, and it is relatively clear that the Slayer and the Old One are pretty much evenly matched.

 

ILLYRIA

That doesn’t mean I am your friend.

 

FAITH

(rubbing bruise)

Kind of got that idea.

 

As they fight, however, Illyria manages to grab the front of Faith’s shirt, and keep her grip on it even as she pulls herself to her own feet. Faith fights back, but Illyria simply stands up like the colossus she really isn’t and lifts Faith clean off the ground. She is about to send a clean knock-out punch into Faith’s face with her free fist just as we:

 

FADE TO BLACK.

 

END OF ACT THREE.

 

FADE IN

 

EXT. CLEVELAND STREET—NIGHT

 

Where we left off: Illyria is just about to knock the living nightlights out of Faith.

 

KRYFNAL

(as Elderly Gentleman)

Is this a private thing, or can anyone fight?

 

Kryfnal swings his cane into Illyria’s face. She drops Faith, turns onto Kryfnal. The two fight, Kryfnal using his cane.

 

FAITH

(to Kryfnal)

You’re pretty spry for an old guy. Can I assume demon?

 

As in answer, Kryfnal throws Illyria across the street. Faith stands on the sidelines, watching the two “duke it out.”

 

FAITH

Definitely demon. So, erm, which of you’s evil, or do I have to kick both of your asses?

 

KRYFNAL

(to Faith, in disgust)

I am above your concepts of—

 

FAITH

Is this the “beyond good and evil” speech? ‘Cause I’ve heard it more times than I’d care to count. Heck, even made it myself a couple o’ times.

 

INT. LILAH’S APARTMENT

 

Dark. Moonlight streams through the window, and we can see Drusilla’s face in it.

 

DRUSILLA

Now. The fruit is finally ripe. Now it’s time for the harvest.

Lilah sits up in bed. Since it is not covered, the scar along her neck is easily visible. She is wearing a white brassiere, and underneath it we can see, tattooed into the flesh on her back, the CIRCLE OF THE BLACK THORN.

 

LILAH

(groggy)

What? Dru?

 

DRUSILLA

Take one’s scythe, cut them down in their prime. Isn’t that always the way? The juice trickles down my chin. It’s sweet.

 

LILAH

I’m trying to sleep.

 

DRUSILLA

You’re dead.

 

LILAH

So are you. You sleep.

 

Drusilla just glares at the former lawyer.

 

EXT. CLEVELAND STREET—NIGHT

 

Same as before, Illyria and Kryfnal still going at it. Faith’s still watching. Heck, she’s smoking a cigarette as they do their thing—and neither really seems to be winning.

 

FAITH

(almost casually)

So, which of you is evil again?

 

ILLYRIA

He is.

 

They’ve worked so that Illyria and Kryfnal are faced off at each other, with Faith between them.

 

FAITH

And I should trust you ‘cause . . . ?

 

ILLYRIA

(pushing her way past Faith to get at Kryfnal)

You wearisome mortals tire me.

 

FAITH

How ‘bout this: either of you happen to be…

(pauses, tries to remember)

Cryptnle the Corrupter?

 

KRYFNAL

That’s Kryfnal, little lady. Once my name was known and feared across eleven dimensions.

 

ILLYRIA

(snorting, or at least harrumphing)

Kryfnal? That name was not even feared by the halimyn at one’s feet.

 

KRYFNAL

(looking into Illyria’s eyes)

Illyria? Is that you?

 

FAITH

(trying to figure out what is happening)

You know each other.

 

ILLYRIA

(still fighting)

Kryfnal was once chief amongst my lieutenants.

 

EXT. ILLYRIA’S DOMAIN—NIGHT

 

Flashback. An alternate, hellish dimension, intricate and probably including elements of CGI (this is the series premiere, after all — we can spend some money). Kryfnal — in his true form, as seen in Andrew’s book — stands on a cliff. Above him lightning strikes, and beyond that, almost unseen in the shadows, certainly obscured from our sight, is ILLYRIA’S TRUE FORM.

 

KRYFNAL

(kneeling)

O Lord Illyria, my king, I come in supplication.

 

ILLYRIA (V.O.)

(in present talking to Faith)

Until he betrayed me, seeking to raise an army against me in rebellion.

 

A CGI ARMY OF FLYING BEASTS appears behind him, charges at Illyria. LIGHTNING strikes out at them, knocking them out of the sky. A lightning bolt strikes at the ground near Kryfnal; he turns, runs away from Illyria —

 

ILLYRIA (V.O.)

When I easily annihilated the meager forces he sent against me, he went into hiding so as to attempt to escape the devastating force of my wrath.

 

EXT. A CLEVELAND STREET

 

Illyria and Kryfnal remain locked in combat.

 

ILLYRIA

I will relish your death, Kryfnal. I have waited many eons for this.

 

KRYFNAL

As have I, Illyria. But I see much of my work has already been taken care of for me. Look at yourself, in the form of one of them. Limited to a single time and a single place, a body which can break and bleed. How the mighty have fallen.

 

ILLYRIA

(gaining the advantage)

And you, Kryfnal? You too share that form. Or have you not noticed?

 

KRYFNAL

I admit my power may have diminished over the millenia. But do not think me powerless. We each may be trapped in these prisons of meat and bone.

(transforms to demonic form)

But one of us is more trapped than the other.

 

He easily extricates himself from Illyria’s hold.

 

 

INT. LILAH’S APARTMENT—NIGHT

 

DRUSILLA

The deuce is wild. How will it fall — two pair or full house? The rogue’s broken into the house.

 

LILAH

Dru. Go to sleep. Or hunt. Or whatever. You can have your vision in the morning.

 

Drusilla looks at Lilah like she is crazy. Like Lilah is crazy, that is, since we all already know that Dru is crazy. She doesn’t dignify Lilah’s sleep-deprived comment with a reply.

 

Lilah turns over in bed and tries to fall asleep again, anyway.

 

EXT. CLEVELAND STREET—NIGHT

 

FAITH

(re: Kryfnal)

Okay, I’m pretty sure that’s the evil guy.

(re: Illyria)

I don’t know who the heck you are.

 

Faith stomps on her cigarette, and prepares to join the fray.

 

KRYFNAL

Is this how you fight your battles now, Illyria? Alongside humans?

 

ILLYRIA

They have survived when our kind has not. They show passion, resilience, innovation.

 

KRYFNAL

If they are so great why don’t you just go become one? Oh right, you already have, haven’t you? Too bad for you.

 

Faith kicks him in the stomach, sends him flying back. Kryfnal squares off against the Slayer and the Old One; Illyria charges at him, but he evades her attack as Faith tries to hit him from behind. He slipsout from between them, tripping Illyria and sending Faith into the stone exterior wall of a nearby bank.

 

The fight goes on.

 

And on. Hey, I’m the writer, not the choreographer. Not my job to come up with all this.

 

In the end, Illyria pulls a street sign out of the street, plunges it into Kryfnal’s heart. He dies.

 

FAITH

Nice job.

 

She walks down the street, leaving Illyria standing triumphant over Kryfnal’s demon carcass, which reverts to the form of the elderly gentleman.

 

INT. SLAYER CENTRAL 2—DAY

 

TV REPORTER

In the second of what some are already calling the Madison Street murders, an elderly unidentified man was found this morning, impaled by the pole of a street sign. Police have still not put forth a motive, but have speculated that delinquent—

 

The television turns off, Faith holding the remote.

 

FAITH

Well, that takes care of that.

 

ANDREW

You slayed the Corrupter.

 

FAITH

Well, technically not.

(beat)

His ex-boss did it for me.

 

ANDREW

Who?

 

FAITH

(Illyria impersonation)

Illyria, the sovereign of all dominions.

(shrugs; normal voice)

The blue gal I saw the other night.

 

ANDREW

And she got away?

 

FAITH

Didn’t “get away.”

 

ANDREW

You let her go?

 

FAITH

Stake anything that moves, bad things happen. Learned that the hard way. We need more information. Who she is, what she wants. Why she’s here.

 

A beat passes, and Andrew just nods knowingly.

 

FAITH

Well, that’s your thing, isn’t it?

 

ANDREW

Oh! Information! Right. I can do that. I’ll just hit the books.

(beat)

You know, I think this is really working out, me helping you out and all. Maybe we should keep going like this, see how it works.

 

FAITH

(recoiling)

Hey, the way I see it, this Kryfnal dude’s dead, mission accomplished. You should report back to Giles and, you know, make a report. Ask him about blue gal while you’re at it. I’m just using you while you’re here. No need to stay here. Most definitely no need.

 

And we know in that moment we are going to be seeing Andrew for a very long time. Unfortunately, perhaps, because he’ll no doubt make it feel even longer.

 

FADE TO BLACK

 

END OF SHOW