Portland Scrabble Club

Performed at the 2003 Atlantic City Talent Show:

There's a tournament a-comin' just around the bend
I ain't seen eleven hundred since I don't know when
'Cause I'm stuck in novice prison and I can't get free
If I play one more bluehair, it'll be the death of me

Studied all the bingo lists, anamonics too
But when my clock starts running down I panic like a fool
So I'm stuck here at a thousand and I just can't move
When you're in novice prison all you do is lose

Playing off the ugly tiles, balancing my rack
I wanna be like Marlon Hill and throw those blanks right back
And I played out west in Reno, I played in Jersey too
But these novice chains are heavy and I'm feeling blue

When I see the expert boards, I feel just like a jerk
I wanna be one of them but my brain won't seem to work
And I'm stuck in novice prison and I can't get free
And I rue the day that I read Word Freak!

Studying is an awful chore
I've become a Scrabble bore
Some might say, "Get a life"
I decided to study the fives

I began to study the list of fives
I went round, round, round 'til my brain caught fire
And I learned, learned, learned the list of fives
The list of fives

I'll tell you all about my games
And the rating next to my name
I need to learn more than the twos
'Cause all I see is hair of blue
 
I fell in to studying the fives
I went round, round, round 'til my brain caught fire
And I learned, learned, learned the list of fives
The list of fives

Still a novice, it's pretty lame
I have got to improve my game
Get high score and win a prize
But I don't need another Scrabble tie!

(repeat Chorus)

A Scrabble head named Billy Joe grew restless on the farm
A young boy filled with Scrabble lust he really meant no harm
He heard about a tournament and combed his dark hair down
But his mother said as he walked out
Don't take your tiles to town, son
Leave your board at home, Bill
Don't take your tiles to town
 
He laughed and kissed his mom and said, "Your Billy Joe's a man"
I know all my bingo stems as good as any man
I'd never play a phony, no I'd never lay one down
But his mother cried as he walked out
Don't take your tiles to town son
Leave your board at home, Bill
Don't take your tiles to town
 
He rode up to a gamblin' town, there was tension in the air
Word freaks doing anagrams and women with blue hair
He looked about the playing room and laid his money down
And then he heard his mother's voice
Don't take your tiles, etc....
 
A stranger from Division One began to size up Bill
An expert with a custom board, he moved in for the kill
Billy took his timer out and laid his scoresheet down
His mother's voice echoed again
Don't take your tiles, etc.....
 
He reached into the tile bag with a trembling hand
Opened with a bingo and drew a challenge from the man
A trusty word judge at his side began to laugh him down
And again he heard his mother's voice
Don't take your tiles, etc....
 
Then the stranger bingoed back and took an early lead
The only blanks that Billy drew were in between his ears
The stranger stuck him with the Q and left without a sound
As they gathered round, his final words...
Don't take your tiles to town, son
Leave your board at home, Bill
Don't take your tiles to town.

Performed at the 2005 Atlantic City Talent Show

I keep a close watch on this rack of mine
I keep the board wide open all the time
I put my hand in for the tiles that shine
I hope to find a bingo line
 
I've got a strange aversion to the Q
If you don't watch out I'll stick it to you
Especially if your hair is blue
And don't you whine, I blocked your line
 
I write my score down in a perfect line
I track my tiles correctly every time
But why can't I complete a game on time?
I hope to find a bingo line
 
I keep my Protiles on this rack of mine
I keep the board wide open all the time
I put my hand in for the tiles that shine
I hope to find a bingo line
and don't you whine, I blocked your line

I see consonants a-growin'
I see trouble up ahead
Looks like I'm in for nasty letters
If I don't turn some in, this game is dead
Throw some back tonite
Dump those seven I's
There's a bad rack on the rise
 
I see my clock is runnin' low now
I fear the end is coming soon
I see the look on my opponent
This blue hair's gonna stick me with the Q!
I can't believe my eyes
I whine about my tiles
My rating is never gonna rise

We played Scrabble in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout
Five long days at the Nationals, playing 'til the fire went out
I'm goin' to the Nationals, I'm gonna mess around
Goin' to the Nationals, look out you Cajun town!
 
Well, go on down to the Nationals, go ahead and wreck your health
Play that game 'til your brain turns to mush, make a big fool of yourself
Yeah, go to the Nationals, with your blue hair
Go to the Nationals, meet all the word freaks there
 
When I breeze into that city, all the people gonna coffeehouse
Women gonna fall down at my feet, when I whip my custom board out!
Go to the Nationals, play for five long days
When you go to the Nationals, you're in a Scrabble haze
 
Gonna meet Edley and Marlon, gonna hang around with GI Joel
Maybe their knowledge will rub off and I won't have to study no more!
When you go to the Nationals, you meet all of the greats
When you go to the Nationals, man you stay up late!
 
We played Scrabble in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout
I'm still searching for that bingo, long after the clock ran out
When you go to the Nationals, you don't get no sleep
All wired up for the Nationals, man it's one long week!!

So, so you think you can spell, and play this game pretty well
But your blue hair is plain
Can you tell a great rack from a pile of dreck, can you accurately track?
Do you think you can spell?
 
Did they get you to trade your vowels for junk?
Did you study SATINE and the front and back hooks for threes?
Does it fry your brain, and did you exchange
the Q at the end of the game for a chance at fortune and fame?
 
How I wish, how I wish I could pass
There's just two tiles left swimming in the tile bag, and I fear
Tracking over the same old ground, what have I found
The U's are gone, wish the Q wasn't here

The Q is unlucky and I keep finding that tile in the bottom of the bag
The Q is unlucky and I keep finding that tile in the bottom of the bag
 
Your blue hair in Kentucky keeps shining, shining like the moon
Your blue hair in Kentucky keeps reminding me that I've got to get out of this division soon!
 
The Q that I'm stuck with keeps finding it's way back on my rack
The Q that I'm stuck with keeps finding it's way back on my rack

With apologies to the Mighty Mighty Bosstones and "Rascal King"

Well he walked straight to the back
Of his local Toys R Us store
Where all the board games were stacked
So high he couldn't fit more
Ambled straight on past
CandyLand where just above
A slightly battered Chutes n' Ladders
He found the game he loved.

(Chorus)
The last one out? Nah, I'd play it again
The scrabble king could form new words
From the tiles in front of him

Memory's blocked
And he loses Concentration
Suffered mild electric shocks
From playing Operation
They never sink his Battleship
Cuz he loses the pellets
Don't know how to play Parchesi
But he sure knows how to spell it

(Chorus)

How do you spell bannister?
N? Just one N. Sure? Sure I'm sure (Play it again)
Whose turn is it? It's yours again
No, I spelled "reobscure."
There's no such word as "uninsane"
The dictionary says the same
Can I form a proper name?
Oh, come on please just one more game!

(Chorus)