My Story
On October 27, 2006 I gave birth to my 1lb 10oz daughter who I later named Kaydence Erin Jaiamen Marie. Here is my story.
Finding out I was pregnant was both a joyful and scary time for me. I wasn’t sure I was ready to become a mother but as time went by and I started to feel my baby move more & more and that’s when I fell in love with the little life I was carrying inside me. My pregnancy was fairly easy. I had my good and bad days as most pregnant women do but all in all everything seemed to be going just fine.
I was 26 weeks pregnant when my world fell from underneath me. I was rushed to the hospital due to severe pain and bleeding. The doctor put a heart monitor on to find Kaydence's heart beat, but he couldn't find it so he did an ultrasound and that's when I got the news that Kaydence's heart had stopped. My world as I knew it would never be the same. I was then induced, kept up all night, nurses running back and forth and then at 6:48am I delivered my daughter.
A moment in my life that should have been filled with smiles and laughter was replaced with a broken heart and streams of tears. A moment that I will never forget. I am sad that she is no longer a part of me, that I will never hold her again, sing to her, play a simple game of peek-a-boo, or just stare at her as she sleeps. Most of all I am sad that I could not some how save my daughter.
The time after I got home from the hospital is almost a blur to me. I was feeling numb, I would cry but the grief hadn't really hit me yet. But in the end it did! When I cried it felt like pure pain was coming out. It felt like I couldn't breathe. Like my heart was failing and I was going to die. I guess that's what it feels like when your heart is breaking. I felt like God had cheated me. Like he had made a fool of me and I hated him!!! He had promised me a baby and then he took back his word! This was a really lonely time for me. I really needed to talk about what had happened but no one wanted to talk about it. I guess it made them uncomfortable. They would tell me that I should take a deep breath and move on. But I couldn't do that! I needed to talk about it and cry all the hurt out. I wanted my daughter to be acknowledged and remembered.
The reality is that my daughter will always be with me, just not the way I would like her to be. Holding her for the short time that I did is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. She's in my heart and I will never forget her and although my heart is broken and my life will never be the same I have learned what it is to truly love and it is because of Kaydence that I have experienced the true meaning of love.
Kaydence taught me that love can last forever. There is no end to my love for her. I know it will carry on to the next existence we go to. In that moment that we are reunited, my heart will be filled with such joy once again.
“Love is the one thing death can't take. Love is the one bond that nothing can break. Love is a cord that time can't sever...yes, love is eternal, love is forever. “ -Unknown
and I will share the password with you. Please note that if I do give the passward out, it will be changed within 2 days. Thank you and sorry for the inconvinence!
Her Journey's Just Begun
I Don't think of her as gone away, her journey's just begun
life holds so many special things, this earth is only one.
Just think of her as resting, from the sorrows & the tears
in a place of warmth & comfort where there are no days & years.
I Think how she must be wishing that I could know today
how nothing but sadness can really pass away.
I think of her as living in my heart in which she has touched
for nothing loved is ever lost & I love her very much.
Letter From Heaven
To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say. But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay. I'm writing this from Heaven. Here I dwell with God above. Here there's no more tears of sadness; here is eternal love. Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight. Remember that I am with you every morning, noon & night. That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was just not meant to be, God picked me up and hugged me & said, "I welcome you. It's good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone. As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on. I need you here badly, you're part of my plan. There's so much that we have to do to help our mortal man." God gave me a list of things that he wished for me to do. And foremost on his list was to watch & care for you. And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight, God & I are closest to you, in the middle of the night. When you think of my life & what would have been loving years, because you are only human, you are bound to shed some tears. But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain. Remember there would be no flowers, unless there were some rain. I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned, but if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand. One thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over. I'm closer to you now than I ever was before. There are many rocky roads ahead of you & many hills to climb; But together we can do it by taking one day at a time. It is the Lord's philosophy & I'd like it for you too; That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you. If you can help somebody who's in sorrow & in pain; Then you can say to God at night, "My day was not in vain." And now I am content that my conception was worthwhile. Knowing that the thought of me, may cause you pain but at times make you smile. So if you meet somebody who is sad & feeling low, Just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way to go. When you're walking down the street & you've got me on your mind; I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind. And when it's time for you to go...from that body to be free, Remember you're not going...you're coming home to me.
Dearest Mommy,
When you wonder the meaning of life & love know that I am with you. Close your eyes & feel me kissing you. In the gentle breeze across your cheek.
When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again, quiet your mind and hear me. I am in the whisper of the heavens speaking of your love.
When you lose your identity, or question who you are & where you are going, open your heart & see me. I am the twinkle in the stars smiling down upon you lighting the path for your journey.
When you awaken each morning not remembering your dreams but feeling content and serene,
Know that I was with you filling your nights with thoughts of me.
When you linger in the remnant pain wholeness seeming so unfamiliar...think of me. Know that I am with you touching you through your unending tears.
As the sunrise illuminates the sky, in that breath-taking brilliance, awaken your spirit & think of our time together, all too brief, but ever brilliant, but only ours.
When you were certain of your destiny, know that God created that moment in time just for you & that I am with you always until the day we reunite again.
You'll always be my child, I think of you each day,
Even though you must remain so very far away.
A love as strong as this, I've never felt before;
But you had to go away up through heaven's door.
You'll never have to suffer, or feel pain or hate,
Just peace and love and happiness
God has given you this fate.
I hope that you can feel just how much I care.
And, When my days are over, in a flash I will be there.
Pure unbounding joy! We'll never have to part.
You'll be right by my side and not just in my heart.
But, until that day, when my dream is real
I think I understand, just how I should feel...
"Mum, I am fine!" this must be what you would say
"Please don't be so sad, we'll meet again one day:
I'm with God above so don't cry for me,
Our parting is but a moment compared to eternity."
There will always be a heartache,
And often a silent tear.
But always a precious memory
Of the days when you were near.
If tears could make a staircase,
And heartaches make a lane,
We'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you home again.
We hold you close within our hearts;
And there you will remain,
To walk with us throughout our lives
Until we meet again.
Dear Mr. Postman,
Can you send a letter from me? I need it sent from up above, down to my earthly family. Please send it quick, my mommy's sad, I hate to see her cry. Every night she prays to God, and sadly asks him why. Please let it say, I could not stay, with an angel I had to go. I'm fine, I'm happy here with the other babies I know. I hope it reads to Grandma & Grandpa, I know they love me too. I miss you lots and all the things that we had planned to do. Please close it with I love you, I'm with you in your heart I never really left you see, I was an angel from the start, only now I have an earth bond family.
My Little Star
God gave a present to me,
made of flesh and bone.
My life, my soul, you have
made my spirit whole.
Never forget who you are
my little star.
Shining brighter than all the
stars in the sky.
Never forget how to dream little butterfly.
Flying higher than all the birds
in the sky.
I Love You,
Mommy xoxo
Grandparents are Survivors Too!
Grandparents are a special gift that God gives to each child Their love outshines the brightest star, their love can never be defiled.
Oh, but when a child becomes an Angel, grandparents feel the pain and sorrow. Beyond any pain they’ve known in life or will ever come to know.
Their legacy is their grandchildren so how can they learn to survive? Will the dreams of their tomorrows some how be kept alive?
Yes! Grandparents are survivors and life has taught them how to be. For their wisdom, courage, and love is carried from them to you and me.
Angel Whispers
c/o Families First Society
PO Box 3285
Fort Saskatchewan, AB
Canada
T8L 1L2
(780)449-1732; (780)998-5595
He gave me a bouquet.
I asked God for a minute,
He gave me a day.
I asked God for true love,
He told me I'd some day have that too
I asked for an angel...
Kaydence's Light
God made a little Angel,
He knew she was too good,
But He chose her mommy anyway
From Heaven up above.
She knew she wasn't here for long,
And God had told her why,
She knew deep down, this job of hers,
Would make her mommy cry.
The brightest star burning bright,
Is Kaydence's shining light,
To let her mommy know,
That up in Heaven she will grow.
As Long As Forever
I shall remember you for as long
As there are fields of snow,
And there are flowers in the ground
With strength to grow,
As long as there are stars above
And moonbeams on the sea,
And just as long as there are songs
Of love and memory.
I shall remember you today
And dream of you tonight,
And look for you tomorrow when
The sun begins to light.
Whatever season, month or year,
This much will be the same,
The only sound of joy will be
The mention of your name.
I shall remember you for as long
As there are earth and sky,
And all eternity may take to say goodbye.
- James J. Metcalfe
I Hear Each Tear Fall On Her Face
My mom doesn't know I'm watching her
but I'm watching her just the same.
And I hear each tear fall on her face
at the very mention of my name.
She says it sounds like music to her ears
and can be heard over a crowd.
Oh, I hear each tear fall on her face
when my name is said aloud.
I watch her stumble each day
as she wishes the day would end.
And I hear each tear fall on her face
as she talks of me to her friends.
But there are few who truly understand.
Oh this I've heard her proclaim.
And I hear each tear fall on her face.
Will my mom ever be the same?
I know that her smiles light up a sky.
But I don't see that smile today.
Oh, but I hear each tear fall from her face.
Her blue skies have turned to gray.
Oh I send to her my warmest hug
With the rays of the morning sun.
Then, I won't hear a tear fall on her face.
For I shall erase them one by one.
Yes, my mom doesn't know I'm watching her.
But I'm watching her just the same.
And if I hear a tear fall on her face
I'll just softly whisper her name!
If You Could See Me Now
I know that you are heartbroken
And sad that I am gone
But I am in Heaven now, Mommy
And I'm never once left alone.
Oh I wish you could see me now
Heaven is a beautiful sight to see
Jesus is the light that shines forever
And He walks daily with me.
Oh, the skies are never gray here
And it never ever rains
Although I know you feel the pain
Up here, there is no pain.
Angels always sing in a choir for me
With voices so beautiful and clear
I am in the presence of my loved ones
Mommy, I haven't seen one tear!
I know that you are hurting for me
I can't make your pain disappear
But if you could see me now, you'd know
I am happy in Heaven and I still love you from here!
I thought of you today,
But that is nothing new
I thought of you yesterday
And will tomorrow, too.
I think of you in silence
And make no outward show
For what it meant to lose you
Only those who love you know.
Remembering you is easy,
I do it everyday.
It's the heartache of losing you
That will never go away.
"Ask My Mom How She Is"
My Mom, she tells alot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
Why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For once Mommy, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all of her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven,
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you, don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get here Mom,
With all the lies you told."
You can send your thoughts to heaven
on the wings of heaven's dove
Your message carried through the clouds
to reach the ones you love.
There is a sense of comfort
in words spoken from the heart.
The written word brings closer
those who feel so far apart.
“Your loss will always be a part of your life. With time the physical & mental wounds gradually begin to heal, but the scars will always be there. I often worry about forgetting, but the memories will forever be with me. Still to this day, I become very emotional when I hear of the loss of a child because, just for a moment in time, the memories of my experience flood back into my mind. Be prepared for those who will not show compassion...not because they don’t want to, but because they don’t understand the trauma you’ve been through.”
- A mother who experienced many losses
Visit Kaydence's Angel Friends at the Wall of Angels & sign their guestbook
Sign my Mommy's Petition to make October 15th
“Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awarenss Day”
in Ontario, Canada to remember me and all my Angel Baby friends!
Music By: Leona Lewis "Yesterday"