The Daily Grind

Welcome to my brand new website!

Frankly I have too much time on my hands and have decided it might be a good idea to do something slightly productive. Even if this involves babbling like a pissed gibbon in the delusional hope that some poor soul with an equal lack of life is reading.
I guess I'd better give a brief hint to what the hell this place is all about.
Well....it's......uhh......not.....about.....anything.....like....ish....
Basically it's a place where I can post links to fun websites, talk my usual unintelligent shit at you all, and generally be an impudent old ham.
I'll have to warn you all that I use a wide vocabulary, dispite my lack of brains to back it up, so some of you little bumfs may have to refer to what we schollars call a 'dictionary'. This whimsical contraption is a large book of every word in the English language. Even those naughty ones like 'poo' 'bugger' 'fart' and 'fanny'.
Believe me, I've checked.
Anyhoo, I'm babbling here. Again.
Do make yourself and home, and keep checking back.

Also if anyone has any suggestions on what they'd like to see on the site, post them in my guest book and I shall disregard them and carry on doing what I like.
See? It's fun when you do what you're told.
Actually, on second thoughts, some idea would be bloody lovely. Please.
Take your shoes off before you come in too. Jesus H Christ, this isn't a pig sty you know.

Apologies for not updating the site for a while.
I'd like to say I was out enjoying myself, but the sad truth is that I ran out of things to complain about.
I've never felt so emasculated in my life. Oh the shame!
I couldn't perform for a whole week!
I had to see a therapist, and eventually I pulled through it.

Unfortunately I appear to have lost a large chunk of my vocabulary, and my ability to make something worth reading. You'll have to do with whatever rubbish I burble up from the back of my brain for now, until I find some oafs to patronise.
Shouldn't take long, there's never a short supply of imbeciles.
Another contributor is that I'm trying not to be such a bastard.
Thing is it's bloody working.
Do you know what I did a couple of days ago? Do you?
I went and humoured someone! Good god! I decided not to mock them, as I usually would, and humoured and encouraged their simple-mindedness.
It's safe to say I threw the whole charade out of the window and never looked back.
That's all for now.
Keep checking back, as I'm trying my best to scrape together something of substance.
Dont hold your breath though.


Toodles!

I'm feeling in a 'do something for the community' mood today.
So instead of whining about things, I'm going to give you all a little grammar lesson! Isn't that just fabulous!?
Before any picky fools start going through my whole site looking for missing apostrophes and capital letters, don't. I'm only human. Unlike you of course, because you're obviously the most careful writer in the world. Tch, silly me.
Fortunately I can accept that I'm not the most observasive person in the world, and therefore make mistakes.  I don't lie awake at night  worrying if I put that comma in between 'patronising' and 'twat'.

Anyway, the lesson!
I've seen this all too often and it bothers me. I was taught the difference between to, two and too, your and you're, and their, there and they're in year 5. Obviously this has eluded a few people, so here's a patronising reminder of what means what.

Part 1.

To-
This can be used in the context of "I'm going to do you over the head with a hammer." or "I'm going to school to learn how to write like a big person."

Too-
Too is used to show that something is too much. e.g "This lesson is too advanced for me."
It can also be used to show that something is the same as something else.
e.g "I'm clever too!"

Two-
I really shouldn't have to explain this. It can also be represented by a '2'.
This is to show that there is two of something. e.g "I got two gold stars mummy!"

Part 2.

Their-
This can show that someone owns something. e.g "I stole their dictionary."

They're-
This is the abbreviation of 'they are'. This can be used in the following manner. "They're smarter than me."

There-
This word of whimsy can be used to show where something is.
e.g "I live over there. Next to the sewage outlet."


Part 3.

You-
As in you. The idiot sitting there scratching his/her head.
You can also refer to someone by using this. e.g "Hey you! What does.....gra.....mm.....ar...mean?"

You're-
You guessed it Dickens! It's one again an abbreviation! It means 'you are'.
I'd pat your greasy head, but even chlorine cant get that crap off.
It can be used (you're, not chlorine) in such circumstances:
"You're not nurturing me! No wonder I'm stupid."

Part 4.

We're-
Another abbreviation for 'we are'. e.g "We're going to study hard and write an award winning novel."

Were-
This is past tense. It can be used in many situations. Here are a few:
"We were busy snorting cocaine."
"Where were you? We just saw a friking hilarious squirrel! It was like....running...up a tree!"
"You were in the library weren't you? Hah at you! Nerd!"


______________________________________________________

I hope you learned something. Probably not.
The odd mistake is inevitable, and excusable, but constant and obnoxious misuse of the English language will get you nowhere. Learn to spell damn you!
Unless you're dyslexic, then I back down and apologise spinelessly.

My friend reffered me to these bright sparks and I decided it's my civil duty to show you all.
Usually in such situations I'd mock these young chaps, but I think it would be cruel to degrade them any more than they have themselves.
I'm assuming their audition to be on MTV failed with flying colours, as did their brains.
I find the "Yeah peace man" part at the end incredibly ironic, as these seem to be the sort of people who would knife a 10 year old if he had a good pair of shoes.
Anyway, I think less is more with this, so i'll leave you to watch it yourself.
Big up the Kersal crew massive innit.
Sorry, one more thing. What the fuck do you say in reply to innit?
I usually panic and say "It is." though I'm sure I should have just given them my hat and been done with it. Oh well, you live and learn dont you.

I bet they havnt seen a ladies mimsy either.