The Daily Grind

When I'm not complaining about trivial things or muttering grimly about people I've spoken to today, I do tend to look around me and realise things about the 'outside world'. Now things. Happening things. Breaking news that's so important a big blimp projects Trevor McDonald onto the clouds and tells the country.
I ignore these, and instead talk about things that arnt quite so significant.
Everyone talks about Iraq, the Tories, and strikes, so I'll leave that to the well educated people who can give you well researched facts instead of hear say and malformed opinions.
Instead I'll talk about the little news that people read with their bowl of coco pops before rushing out to earn a living.
I'm much better informed about that, and quite frankly I cant be blamed to corrupting the opinions of our people.
That's for the Government to do.

A lot has changed over the last century. I bet you never noticed that!
Things have moved on, fashions have changed, ideals have changed, people have adapted, and governments are more sleazy than ever.
But the thing that's most prominent in my mind is that romance and relationships have changed.
A lot.

Some of you may still be living in 1999 -yes, some people that old do indeed still exist- and thus think that your method for ensnaring the man/woman of your dreams still applies to today. But you'd be wrong, my friend.
Terribly wrong.

Being the expert on attracting the opposite sex that I am, I'm going to give you some tips on how to adapt your old ways of thinking to cope with the new change in society.

We'll start with some adaptations of common phrases related to initiating a relationship:



Gentlemen:


Then: May I buy you a drink?
Now: I'm having a piss, get me a lager and whatever you want.

Then: You look beautiful tonight.
Now: Hey sugar tits, nice arse./ You're well fit, I'd do you.

Then: May I have this dance?
Now: C'mon, I'll grab your tits and you grind against me. It's only a bit of fun.

Then: Are you sure you want another? It's a long walk home.
Now: Dont be such a pussy, get it down you love.

Then: May I walk you home?
Now: Are we having sex or not? I dont wanna waste time if I'm not gonna get any.

Then: I think you've had a little too much to drink. I'll get you a taxi and call you in the morning.
Now: My place? Whoa! Watch it there, dont puke on my shoes.

Then: I've had a wonderful evening. I'll call you tomorrow. [Quick peck on the lips]
Now: Right then. Lets get it on. [Grab her wrists and ram your tongue down her throat. Extra points if she gags.]

Then: Would you do me the honour of having lunch with me tomrrow?  There's a lovely little cafe tucked away on the high-street . They do great cheesecake!
Now: I'm off now. You can tell me the results of the test tomorrow. Chippy van on the M42 ok? Sweet. Laters.



Ladies:

Then: Why I'd love to dance with you!
Now: Yeah why not. You'll have to hold me up though. I'm totally pissed!
[Giggle like a deranged pixie.]

Then: (To friends) He's such a Gentleman. I'd love him to make a honest woman of me.
Now: Phwoar! Check out the ass on him! I'll have a piece of that! Am I right girls?

Then: I'm terribly sorry but I think it would be inappropriate to make love to you having only been on one day trip together. Would you be so kind as to wait until I feel ready?
Now: [Trip over a rug and land over the arm of a chair with your buttocks in the air. Giggle like a deranged pixie.] Woopsie! Hahahahaha! .......take me now big boy.

Then: I think I've had a little too much to drink.  I'll stick to an orange juice.
Now:  I'll drink any man under the table! Bring it on baby!

Then: I'm terribly sorry but you appear to be flirting with my boyfriend. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.
Now: You bitch! That's my man! I'll fucking kill you! [Proceed to attack your rival using any way you deem necessary. Deadly force may be required.]

___________________________________________________________________

I'm out of other examples right now, but rest assured I shall add to it once I brush up on my powers of attraction.
Go forth and use your new skills!
Yeah baby!

We can rejoice and burn all the fossil fuels we want according to 'The Great Global Warming Swindle', shown on channel 4 a few nights ago.
Apparently Co2 isn't responsible for global warming, and it's all political bollocks.
It's the sun, or possibly the sea, or maybe even clouds. We're not really sure, but we can safely leave all the lights on and use the gas hobs to heat the house with the windows open.
Hurrah!

They exposed some scientists to be ignoring data or just picking out parts to show what they want. I forget what the exact details were as I was cutting my nails at the time, but Co2 was blamed because of Greenpeace and Margaret Thatcher and the Berlin wall or something. An odd combination I admit.
Anyway, I'm rather misinformed on the whole subject, and really should have payed more attention. So I'm not going to tell you all the details, but the conclusion was that global warming happens for no apparent reason, and it really wont do any harm. To be perfectly honest I've been saying this all along.
People just like to get hyped up about something.

I'm just wondering how many people are completely confused. I certainly am.
Do I continue to run my stereo on fossil fuel produced electricity, or do I put on a wooly hat and chain myself to a petrol pump whining that the world is in grave danger? What's a person to do?!
I'll tell you what I do. Nothing. I just bumble along safe in the knowledge that the world isnt in a delicate balance, it's actually pretty freaking tough. I think it's near impossible to eradicate all life. It's all just political bollocks and an excuse to kill off money grabbing oil companies. I still think we should cut down on fossil fuels, but not because the world is getting a little hot. I just think that when we run out of things to burn, the world will grind to a very abrupt halt, and the economy will go down the shitter faster than you can say "I told you so". There's naturally going to be social decomposition in the fight for what little carbon we can get our hands on, and quite possibly anarchy. Think how much of the world relies on fossil fuels. A hell of a lot.
When we run out we're screwed with a capital Q.

Then again that could all be political bollocks too, and we'll have a show called 'The Great Fuel Crisis Swindle'. With more conspiracy theories involving Greenpeace, Thatcher, and the Berlin wall. Perhaps all of our problems revolve around a combination of the three, you just don't know.

In conclusion, I remain adamant that global warming is entirely due to Labour spouting hot air and false promises. It's bound to have some effect on the climate.
When it comes to issues that are as hyped at this, I suggest you disregard everyone's opinions and form your own. Or you could put your head under a pillow and scream until it all goes away.
I know it's human nature to believe the majority or authority as if we have no will of our own, but try to resist. Please?