Sage's Site

About Me

 Hmmm what to say about myself? My name is Steve(my girl name is Sage), and I'm from the middle of nowhere Virginia. I'm 20, and I'm into lots of stuff, too much to really mention it all at once. Very few people around here are like me. At least I only know a few that are. I don't seem to have many friends around here, but I'm glad I've got the ones I do.

 Also I'm letting it be known that I'm transsexual. To give a short definition I'm a guy that wants to be a girl. Think what you want of me, but I have no shame in admitting it. My only shame over it is that I have to hide it at times because much of the world isn't ready to accept people that are different.Yes, I want boobs, and I wear girls clothes. I've been doing it my whole life, but I've only recently decided what to do about it. I'm only partially public about things now. I'm only open about this around my friends, and certain family members.

  If you have a problem with this don't bother telling me, because I don't care. Don't judge me and I won't judge you. I'm pretty open about it around anyone that I feel will accept it, and if you don't then too bad because I don't care. Please don't tell me that I shouldn't do it because I look fine as a guy. If I thought that not only would I not be on hormones, but I'd have never thought of doing this in the first place. It has nothing to do with looks, only how I feel inside.

 I'm a psi vampire, yes I'm a real one (not a movie vampire). If you don't know what that is look it up, google is there for a reason. Please don't send me messages saying how cool it is that I'm a vampire, or asking me if I can make you one. I will laugh at you, and then proceed to go into a long boring explanation of what a vampire really is, and why I hate being one. I will also ignore you if my explanations fail to get the point across, and you keep bugging me about it. Trust me it's not everything you may think.

 I also write poetry, and draw pictures every so often. I like to be at least a little artistic, it keeps things interesting. I've written well over 100 poems, and the number keeps rising as I'm inspired obviously. Hopefully I'll get some of my poetry published one day. I'm not holding my breath though. I'm never satisfied with them though, in fact I keep writting almost to try and out do my last one. I write pretty much from my own expeiences, but I do like to use a bit of an artistic license sometimes and stray from my own life. I'm inspired by everything from the people around me, and music to politics, and world events.

 I'm into Wicca, witchcraft, paganism, and just studying other religions in general (yes, even the so called "evil ones"). I actually am Wiccan btw, I don't just say that I am to be different. My religious views are my own business however. So I will only discuss them when asked, and only if a good reason is given. Trust me you're not going to convince me to conpromise my beliefs, so don't bother trying if it's on your mind.

 I'm a pretty dark, and morbid person as you'll find out if you talk to me for any length of time. Death is something that I do not fear so much as living. If you read my poetry it becomes obvious that I'm not exactly the most content person in the world. I hate where I live, my life is far too mundane for my liking. I'm not obsessed with death mind you, but I realize that my outlook on life is a bit more dark than that of most people.  My life is only a bad dream that I hope to wake up from some day.

 I hate to be the same as everyone else so I come up with my own style. I'm not like most guys obviously. Hell I don't even want to be one forever. I try to be as original, and real as possible, who wants to be fake anyway? I say conformity is suicide. I say what I mean, and mean what I say, at least I always try to. My style is what I'd like to call a mixture of goth, punk, and hippie culture.I just like to be myself though, as odd as some people may find me to be. I'm just an odd person in general. Being odd is fun to me though, I don't want to be normal that's just boring (eww normal). I keep a pretty open mind to most things, I feel that I have no room to judge anyone. I'm judged all too often to do the same to others. I have to talk to someone long enough to get to know them some before I can make any kind of judgment.

 Some people seem to be scared, or creeped out by me, but I try not to be scary unless I need to or just feel like it. Yes, I'm creepy I won't deny that, but I like being creepy so who cares? My creepiness is my own business, and also those who I let in on the business. I'm a dark morbid person, so I'm entitled to a little creepiness. Who wants to be "normal" anyway? That's just boring and dull.

 Usually I'm pretty easy to get along with, and it takes a lot to make me mad or creeped out. Well I don't like to talk about myself too much. If you want to know more about me you'll have to talk to me. The screen names are down there for a reason. However do please tell me you're adding me before you IM me. I don't like guessing who is talking to me and where they saw me. Don't add me, and then say nothing to me.

Music-  As you can see I like a lot of different types of music. Mostly I'm into heavy metal and punk. I'm trying to learn guitar without much success. I'm also attempting to try to sing since it's cheaper than learning guitar. I've got a wide variety of music intrests everything from metal, to classical. I can listen to most anything if I have to except I can't stand rap.

 

A list of bands that I like- Metallica, Megadeth, Green Day, Sum 41, Blink 182, Millencolin, Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, Evanescence, MxPx, System of a Down, The Bauhuas, AC/DC, 3 Doors Down, Linkin Park, Dead Poetic, Project 86, Staple, Creed, FM Static, Good Charlotte, Muse, Nirvana, Danzig, Bleeding Through, Dark Funeral, Flogging Molly, Papa Roach, Rob Zombie, Slipknot, Dead Can Dance, Jack Off Jill, Yellowcard, Pennywise, Dropkick Murphys, Jimmy Eat World, Incubus, Ramones, Story of the Year, Drowning Pool, Paradise Lost, Disturbed, Weird Al Yankovic, Suicidal Tendancies, Dark Tranquility, Seether, Mercyful Fate, Inkubus Sukkubus, Garbage, Alkaline Trio, Def Leppard, Motley Crue, Draconian, Skyclad, Iggy Pop & The Stooges, Atreyu, Turbonegro, Quiet Riot, Dio, Korn, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Simple Plan, My Chemical Romance, All American Rejects, H.I.M., Smashing Pumpkins, Abney Park, Alice in Chains, Ozzy Osbourne, Black Sabbath, Killswitch Engage, Led Zeppelin, Fear Factory, Pink Floyd, The Scorpions, Hawthorne Heights, Trapt, The Doors, Kiss, Avenged Sevenfold, Revel Moon, Motorhead, Three Days Grace, Nazareth, As I Lay Dying, Creep Division, Acid Bath, Tool, Pearl Jam, Twisted Sister, Deftones, Boston, Helloween, Foo Fighters, The Darkness, Alice Cooper, Gina's Alchemy, Weezer, Static X, Cradle of Filth, Gothic Death, Joy Division, Staind, The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Winter Moon, CKY, Armor For Sleep, Grounded, The 69 Eyes, Social Distortion, Minor Threat, Jimi Hendrix, Gorillaz, Anthrax, Aerosmith, Saliva, Rise Against, Flyleaf, The Sex Pistols, Guns n Roses, Slaughter, Van Halen, Lacuna Coil, Steel Attack, Jefferson Airplane, Squealer, Slayer, Breaking Benjamin, AFI, Hinder, The Killers, Panic at the Disco, Stone Sour, Mozart, Beethoven, Aiden, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Senses Fail, Taking Back Sunday, 30 Seconds to Mars, Death Cab For Cutie, Iron Butterfly, Bob Dylan, Crossfade, Bullet for My Valentine

 

Things I like- Real vampires, blood, poetry, heavy metal, Wicca, witchcraft, history, art, archeology, philosophy, drawing, the dark, meeting new people, making my own goth clothes, old vinyls of bands I like, hippies, doing stupid stuff just because it's fun, Greek and Roman mythology, sharp objects, anything medieval, RTS games, swords and knives, open minded people, fire, black nail polish and eye liner, green tea, incense, lighters, cemetaries, Halloween, laying on the floor, nature, shopping online, corsets, hugs, monty python and the holy grail, reading interesting books, taking pictures, getting away from where I live, letting Cassidy and Jackie dress me up like a girl .

 

Things I dislike- Closed minded people, driving, being hot, being ignored, being in the sun, being a vampire, not having enough money, people that lie to me and/or mess with my feelings, when people ask me if I can make them a vampire, george bush, American government & law, war, bugs, rap music, evil computers, most of my family(especially the step dad), where I live, and last and certainly the most christian fundies that push their religion on you.

 

 ahh it's me in september 04 not a good picture I know. I look horrible.

me at 17 with longer hair.

 

Senior Pictures, my hair got a little longer hmm lol

me at halloween but I dress like that most days anyway minus the spiderwebs.

---

Me as a girl

^Taken with my phone and not very good. Ick I had no make up on.

My friend that took these pushed me onto her bed and took this lol

Contact Info.

you can email me if you want to at pxc12@hotmail.com or talk to me on AIM, MSN, or Yahoo.

AIM- HeavyMetalWitch

MSN-pxc12@hotmail.com

Yahoo- heavy_metal_witch

My Story

Well I guess to some people it may be a shock that I am how I am. To me however it's always been there, I just never allowed myself to believe it. I knew from the time I was about 5 or 6 that something didn't feel right about me. It was also around that same time I tried on girls clothes for the first time. I found that somehow wearing them made that strange feeling that something was wrong go away. I crossdressed and hide it for most of my life, never wanting to truly admit to myself that I wanted to be a girl.

I thought I was some kind of freak, and that what I was doing was wrong. Growing up in a christian enviornment also didn't help me accept it any more readily. I struggled with these feelings off and on for most of my life. I would go through periods where I wanted to do nothing but dress up at every chance I got. I also went through periods of denial, and attempting to give it up so to speak.

I was never caught with the clothes on, but there were several close calls. I would often take any clothes I could come by and hide them in my room. They were found and gotten ride of many times over the years. My family always seemed mad to find them, so I denied everything when questioned about them. Several times I was asked if I wanted to be a girl, but in my ignorance of my own condition I said no. It would seem that was my first mistake I made with this. Things continued that way through my early teens. I can remember dreading every day when I was picked up from school that my things had been found.

Eventually by the time I was 16 questions stopped being asked, and one day I found that everything had just been taken, with nothing being said to me. I couldn't go ask about it since I could imagine nothing worse than being outed for what I was. I kept quiet even though I was devastated. Instead of trying to acuire more some way I decided it was best to try and put things behind me from that moment on. Looking back on things I can tell what an error in judgement I made.

After losing all of my clothes I felt empty, like I had no reason to be happy. The one thing that helped me get by had been taken away. I buried myself in religion. I became active at church, and vainly attempted to find answers through it. All the while I was suppressing any desires I had to be a woman. I can only describe these as the worst years of my life. Within a month of losing my things I began cutting myself. The release I had once found in crossdressing was transferred to self injury. Again I can only look back with regret on this decision as self injury still plagues me to this day.

Shortly after this began I got the internet, but once again I missed an opportunity to help myself. I misguidedly buried myself further into christianity. I'm not sure what kind of answers I was looking for, I only wanted to feel as though I was normal. Within 4 months however I felt I had reached the end of my rope. God had no answers for me, and I felt more lost than ever. Depression had set in, and I felt as though my world had been turned upside down. Every day was like a nightmare. I went though most days just trying to keep myself from losing my mind.

Eventually the pressure caught up with me and I felt that I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted the pain to stop, and I was willing to do whatever it took to do so. Making another near fatal error in judgement I decided to go out into the woods and hang myself. Fortunately I guess I can now say, the rope I used was too thin and frayed, and soon broke under my weight. I woke up laying on the ground with a gash on my back from something I hit falling. After a trip to the hospital lying the whole time about how things happened I just fell back into my depressed state. I was too scared for the time being to try again. My self injury increased in frequency and furocity. I would cut my arms until the blood ran from my shoulder to my finger tips. When I ran out of places on my arms, and during the summer I would do the same thing on my legs.

During the same time I started dating rather haphazardly. Things never worked out, and when the enevitable break ups came I was devastated, and only sought to take it out on myself more and more. I went to bed many nights with bandages, and tape wrapped around my cuts so no one would find blood on my sheets. All the while I wasn't even making the connection between my behavior and my feelings. My denial of the situation was so great it clouded my judgement, and caused me to do many things I now regret.

After one girlfriend left me some months after my first attempt on my life, I again decided life was too painful. I took a bottle of Tylenol and began to take as many of them as I could. After about 9 however, I got scared and stopped. I was scared to go to sleep that night for fear that I might not wake up. I stayed home from school the next the day and somehow my family found out what I had done. Needless to say my life just got worse. I was sent to a mental hospital for 4 of the longest days of my life. I learned nothing there, but how to further lie my way through life. I lied to get out, and I lied to everyone about my self injury, and feelings afterwards. I wanted nothing more than to off myself, and the whole time I didn't even know why. My mind wouldn't allow me somehow to make the connection between my depression, and the fact that I was suppressing something so great.

So I went through the next year and a half constantly cutting, and finding new ways to mutilate myself. during this time I gave up completely on christianity, finding it posed far more questions than answers to me. Things pretty much stagnated in my life for a while. Nothing changed, and my life just fell into cycle of hatred for myself. I met my mom whom I hadn't seen nor heard from since I was 5. I was able to gain some comfort though knowing her again. It brought many more problems into my life also, but that's another story.

Eventually after about 2 1/2 years of self denial when I was 18 I decided to look up crossdressing online. It was just a spontaneous decision, but I'm so very glad I made it. I found out that I wasn't alone. There were more people out there like me, and maybe they would understand. I came out to a few people, but only as a crossdresser. At the time I still wasn't ready to admit everything to myself. I went for a few months this way. With help from my very supportive mom, and a friend I was able to get more clothes. This time they were mine, and no one could take them from me. I got them with my own money, and I feel that it was the most well spent 100 dollars I ever used.

For a while I decided I was happy only wearing the clothes in private. After another girlfriend left though, I realized what I tried to deny all along; I wanted to be a girl, not just dress like one sometimes. After much research, much of which I had already come by in my search before, I found that I was transsexual. I could finally say that what was going on with me had a name, and there was something I could do about it. After a year of finally accepting myself, I've come a long way. I made some new friends who were in the same position as me, and got advice from people who had already done what I want to do.

I started on hormones 3 months ago, and I'm loving every minute of it. I have a long way to go yet, but I'm more willing than ever to do whatever it takes to make this come true. Looking back on my life I feel that I wasted a lot of time that I could have done something about this. I guess I can say in the end it makes me who I am, and that I'm stronger for the experience. A lot of it still haunts me to this day. I try not to dwell on the past though. It's happened and I can do nothing to change it. I can only look forward to a future that is hopefully much better than my past. Things won't get any easier I know, but I finally feel at peace with myself. To some extent I've laid to rest the demons that haunted me for so long. For the first time in my life I feel as though I'm doing something right, and I won't let anyone stop me from achieving my dream.

My only advice is to anyone who reads this, and is going through the same thing. Do not hide this from yourself, or think that you should. You may have to hide it from other people, but learn from my mistakes, and admit it to yourself. I learned the hard way what can happen if you don't, but I got lucky; I survived. I realize that not too many people who tried to do what I have can say the same. Just don't hide from yourself. Embrace who and what you are no matter what anyone may say. Trust me, life is too short to live it in misery. If you take nothing else from this I only hope that you realize you're not alone.

- Sage